CO-DEPENDENCE AND ADDICTION IN THE LOCAL CHURCH
NATIONAL INSTITUTE OF
CHURCH FINANCE AND ADMINISTRATION
CANDLER SCHOOL OF THEOLOGY EMORY UNIVERSITY ATLANTA, GEORGIA
SUMMER SEMINAR, 1991
BY: MARY H. GORDON CENTRAL UNITED METHODIST CHURCH 27 CHURCH STREET ASHEVILLE, NORTH CAROLINA 28801
........ t::\... I
"') t "1 1/')i\'1 J
A very special thanks to Dana and Joyce Bunn
and to Mickey Young, my project consultants, who
read this project to be sure that my statements
were accurate.
OBJECTIVE
The objective in writing this project is to introduce fellow
seminar students, certain leaders at Central United
Methodist Church and others to the diseases of co-dependency
and addiction, and to relate it to a working church staff.
In the book of Genesis in the Bible, the story of Adam and
Eve is one of the first stories children learn. The story of
Adam and Eve relates how they were placed in the Garden of Eden
and instructed to eat any fruits except the fruit of the Tree
of Life. When the serpent tempted · she in turn tempted
Adam to eat the forbidden fruit, and then she ate of the
forbidden fruit. When God called to Adam and Eve they at
first hid themselves, and when God asked them to come out,
they said they couldn't because they were naked. When God
asked why they had eaten the forbidden fruit, Adam replied,
"the woman made me do it.• and when God asked Eve why she
had eaten the forbidden fruit, Eve replied, "the serpent
(devil) made me do it." By their actions Adam and Eve
alienated themselves from God, and set up a pattern of
avoiding responsibility and reality. Their son, Cain,
feeling unblessed, murdered his brother Abel.
This story relates in clear detail the beginnings of
dysfunctional family living, setting forth the lying, blaming,
violent pattern that still exists in dysfunctional families
today. Can there be any doubt that co-dependency and addiction
due to dysfunctional families is inter-generational?
Later in the book of Genesis, we find Abraham rejecting
Ishmael and favoring Isaac. Isaac, in turn favored his son
Esau, while rejecting Jacob. Jacob, following the family
pattern, chose Joseph of all his sons as his favorite. Jacob
spoiled Joseph with lavish gifts, and a coat of many colors.
Joseph, being spoiled in this manner, developed a boastful
and superior attitute toward his brothers.
One day when Joseph's brothers got the opportunity, they
beat Joseph, and would have killed him except that one of the
brothers begged the others to sell him into slavery rather than
kill him.
We can see the pattern of the dysfunctional roles, the
hero child, the scapegoat or troublemaker, the peacemaker,
and to some extent the lost child, in the family of Abraham.
INTRODUCTION
BACKGROUND THE SETTING CHURCH MEMBERSHIP
THE DISEASE - ADDICTION
TABLE OF CONTENTS
FACTS ABOUT ADDICTION-SUBSTANCE ADDICTION FACTS ABOUT ADDICTION-PROCESS ADDICTION
THE DISEASE - CO-DEPENDENCY CODEPENDENT CHARACTERISTICS CO-DEPENDENT ROLES
CO-DEPENDENTS IN THE CHURCH CODEPENDENCY AT CENTRAL UNITED METHODIST
CO-DEPENDENT STAFF MEMBERS IN RECOVERY
CONCLUSION
BIBLIOGRAPHY
APPENDIX
1
4 5
6 9
12
14 17 21
24 30
33
34
INTRODUCTION
I entered a recovery program for co-dependents almost a year
ago. One of the staff members at Central United Methodist Church
was instrumental in forming a group of Co-dependents Anonymous,
and three of our staff members are now in recovery.
I have had a problem with relationships and intimacy for
many years, have been divorced for twenty nine years, and have
not maintained a close relationship during that time. Although
I dated a lot immediately after my divorce, most of the men I
dated either were drinking when we met, or began to drink again
shortly afterwards.
After several short term relationships it became obvious to
me that most of these men were either active alcoholics or "dry"
alcoholics. (People who are not drinking but have not followed
an alcohol recovery program.) I was not aware at that time that
alcoholics and co-dependents gravitate to each other like
magnets. In fact, I had never heard the word co-dependent, and
would not have believed that I was one anyway.
1
Since starting the recovery program, I have learned to
recognize some of my own co-dependency traits and characteristics
and am working to eliminate them one by one. My original
thinking was that after attending the twelve step meetings for
about twelve weeks, and working the twelve steps, I would
probably be healed. Little did I know that this process usually
takes years, and is a matter of doing the twelve steps over and
over, day by day.
I can not say that I have made any major life style changes
yet, and most of the gains have been very small changes, but at
least I know there is recovery, and light at the end of the
tunnel.
One of the frightening things about a co-dependency program
is that one learns to identify co-dependency traits in others,
also. For instance, the amount of minimizing by our President
during the war with Iraq, has been a matter of great distress to
me. The celebrations of our returning heroes after killing only
an estimated 200,000 soldiers and civilians has somehow lost it's
glow.
Many movie stars, sports stars, and evangelists have
exhibited traits of co-dependency and addictive traits; Oral
2
Roberts, Jim and Tammy Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, and even Billy
Graham. A former Miss America was a victim of molestation,
Cathy Rigby and Suzanne Sommers are adult children of alcoholics.
Pete Rose denies having a problem with gambling, and just
recently Ted Kennedy denied having a problem with alchohol,
although both have made the news repeatedly as a result of their
"non-problems."
The traits of co-dependency are evident in my own immediate
family, my generational illness has been transmitted to my
children, and possibly through them to my grandchildren.
The traits of co-dependency are evident in my fellow staff
members, who do not realize that they are co-dependent, and know
in their hearts that they do not need a recovery program.
One of the things we are taught in a recovery program is
that each person must realize the depths of co-dependency and
take steps to treat that co-dependency. I have learned that it
is not possible for me to "fix" other co-dependents, they must
do it for themselves, but as a co-dependent myself, God knows
I have tried.
3
BACKGROUND
THE SETTING: Central United Methodist Church is a landmark in
Asheville, North Carolina. It is the first Methodist Church
buirt in the city, and the seventh largest Methodist church in
Western North Carolina. Central is a cornerstone of the large
downtown churches in Asheville, surrounded by the Baptist church,
the Presbyterian church, the Episcopal church, and Roman Catholic
church.
Asheville has a population of about 600,000 people at this
time, and has maintained a steady growth pattern for many years.
Those northerners, as some of us are called, have been
gravitating to Asheville to find a more temperate climate, a more
relaxed lifestyle, and the scenic beauty of the mountains.
Asheville has indoor and outdoor activities that are very
attractive to tourists, several small live theater groups, a
baseball team, splendid fishing, and a variety of places of
interest to visit.
4
CHURCH MEMBERSHIP:
Central United Methodist Church has a wide range of church
families. We have many young families with small children who
attend our fine Weekday School. We have mid-aged families who
have lived and worked in Asheville for years, and some who have
recently settled in North Carolina. We have many older members
who have attended Central Church since they were children. One
member told me she had been attending this church for ninety
years, since she was a little girl of six.
As would be expected, we have some differences of opinions
about how the worship service should be conducted, what hymns
should be sung on Sunday mornings, and do we really need a
day care center. Our committees are composed of some of the
older members of the church, and some of the newer members,
so that we usually get fairly moderate committee recommendations,
although sometimes those individual committee meetings have hot
and heavy discussions before arriving at that recommendation.
5
THE DISEASE; ADDICTION
Addiction and co-dependency are closely related. There
can be no addict without a co-dependent, and there can be no
co-dependent without an addict.
There are several different kinds of addiction, but
this project will deal primarily with two of them; process
addiction and substance addiction.
Substance addiction is addiction to anything that may
be ingested into the body. Some of the more common
substances are drugs, chemicals, alcohol,,food, chocolate,
sugar, caffeine, and nicotine.
Process addiction is addiction to a process or
behavior. Common process addictions are gambling, shopping,
controlling people, work, reading, religion, and television
viewing.
Addiction is an incurable disease, which untreated can
be fatal.
Most addicts are co-dependents, and most co-dependents
are addicted to either a substance or a behavior or both.
6
Most addicts are cross-addicted, that is, addicted to
more than one substance or process at the same time.
An addict may enter a treatment program and overcome
the initial addiction, but the real problem will be
transferred to another addiction. The only true solution to
addiction, according to leading psychologists,is to enter a
treatment program for co-dependents, because co-dependency
is the underlying disease for all addictions.
At one time it was thought that an addicted person
affected as many as five or six other people, usually the
immediate, close family. Now, however, psychologists say
that an addict can affect anyone who is in close contact
with the addict. This may include, but is not limited to,
family, friends, work associates, social contacts, and
church groups. An addiction is usually considered to be any
process or substance that is used to avoid facing or solving
the problems of life. It is not clear at this time whether
addictions are hereditary or environmental in nature,
although the probability is that they are a little of both.
7
Psychologists do know that addictive personalities
follow a family pattern, and if you have an addicted
grandparent, an addicted parent, or other close family
member, the chance of becoming addicted is much greater than
average.
Alcohol counselors tell us that if we were raised in
an addicted family situation, the sons will either become
addicted or marry some one who is addicted, and the
daughters will either become addicted or marry some one who
is addicted, thereby insuring that the addiction will be
passed on from generation to generation.
8
FACTS ABOUT ADDICTION: Substance Addiction
There are "bad" addictions; alcohol and,or drugs. There
are "good" addictions; work and,or religion. Yet, one of
the symptoms of third stage addiction is loss of
spirituality, moral decay, and complete separation from God.
The fact is that the only good thing about addiction is
recovering from addiction.
Drunk driving is the leading cause of automobile
accidents in this country. The consequences of drunk driving
are usually relatively mild, and geared to punishment rather
than education and recovery. Drinking is socially
acceptable behavior in this country, and the age that
drinking begins gets younger and younger. There is nothing
good about drunk drivers killing people, and there is
nothing good about twelve year old drunks.
The only good thing about alcohol addiction is
recovering from alcohol addiction.
Addiction is a funny disease; not funny strange, but
funny "ha! ha!" Comedians have become rich on addict jokes.
9
Drunk, fat,and high jokes are very common. If fat is a
result of an eating disorder, and food is a necessity to
live, how difficult it must be to attend parties, church
dinners, and family celebrations that center around food,
when you are a food addict. How difficult it must be when
cookies, cake, and other snacks are an integral part of
church committee meetings.
10
One of my children once bought me a little brown jug.
Wind it up and it plays "The Little Brown Jug.• In the
cutout center of the jug a little man reels drunkenly around
a lamp post. My children used to show it proudly to
visitors. My grandchildren delight in winding it up and
hearing the music and watching the little man. I was raised
with an addicted father, married to an addicted husband, and
raised an addicted son. I have never been quite as
delighted with my little brown jug as they are.
There is nothing good, or funny, about addiction,
except recovering from addiction.
11
FACTS ABOUT ADDICTION: Process Addiction
Closely associated with Co-dependency is work
addiction. One of the organizations most susceptible
to promoting work addiction is the church.
Many professional church workers believe that they
were given a special call to serve, and that they are
ordained to serve.
Although the accepted work week in the United States
is forty hours per week, and the maximum effective work
week is about fifty hours, many pastors and other church
workers work seventy, eighty, even ninety hours per week
on a regular basis.
Pastors are expected to be gifted speakers, excellent
preachers, committee leaders, administrators, office and
business managers, husbands, fathers, sons, friends, and
community activists. This is in addition to baptizing
babies,and performing weddings and funerals.
In many cases the church comes first, the community
second, and family a poor third.
12
Work addiction can lead to a myriad of health problems.
Migraines, back problems, high blood pressure, heart disease
and stress-related illnesses are often the result of too
many hours of work, for too many days or years.
Pastors are considered among the poorest health risks
because they suffer from so many stress-related illnesses.
Work addiction is a progressive disease which untreated
can be fatal.
The only good thing about work addiction is recovery
from work addiction.
13
THE DISEASE: CO-DEPENDENCY
My personal definition of co-dependency is: A co-
dependent is any one who was raised in a dysfunctional
family. A dysfunctional family is a family that contains an
addicted family member,a member who is physically or
mentally impaired, a family that is emotionally repressed,
or a family where any kind of abuse is present.
Both of my parents were raised in families where there
was very little good touching. Kissing and hugging were
done by husband and wife, if at all, in privacy. Children
were punished if they were naughty. Since children were
expected to behave in a certain way, they were not praised
when they did, only punished when they did not.
While I am certain that both of my parents loved me, I
can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I
remember being kissed or hugged by either parent, and I have
no recollection at all of either of them ever saying "I love
you" to me when I was a child or when I was an adult.
14
When my children were babies, I hugged them and kissed
them, and whispered I love you in their ears, but from the
time they were about six years old, I do not remember
hugging or kissing them, or telling them I loved them,
although my feelings for them have not changed.
The generational theory of dysfunctional families
certainly applies to my family, we live the way we were
taught, because we know no other way.
Psychologists estimate that ninety-six per cent of the
population of the United States of America is at least
minimally dysfunctional. It is therefore reasonable to
expect to meet many co-dependents in our daily lives.
It is no surprise that adult children from
dysfunctional families gravitate to the helping professions.
Doctors, Nurses, teachers, social workers, mental health
professionals, and yes,even the ministry. It would be more
accurate to say especially the ministry.
Co-dependents spend their lives helping, shielding,
protecting others, and then become professionally trained to
be helpers.
15
It may shock some people to be told that the leaders of
their church are suffering from the disease of addiction or
co-dependency. Church members might find it difficult to
believe that their Sunday school teachers, Committee
chairpersons, and the church staff are addicted or co-
dependent.
It is physically, emotionally and spiritually
impossible for a functional person to work or live in a
dysfunctional situation. The functional person will either
become dysfunctional in order to survive, or more commonly
will become thoroughly frustrated with the situation and
leave.
It follows, then, that if a family or organization has
at least one dysfunctional member then all of the members
are dysfunctional.
16
CODEPENDENT CHARACTERISTICS
Psychologists say that most co-dependents are addicted,
and most addicts are co-dependent. The characteristics of a
co-dependent, therefore, are also the characteristics of an
addict, although the characteristics of each may be
manifested in different behaviors.
Co-dependents are unable to set reasonable boundaries,
they have great difficulty saying no. They want people to
like them,so they say yes to additional work, committee
responsibilities, social relationships, and church requests
for assistance. The problems develop when they say yes to
almost every request, then have no time to spend with
family, in prayer, or to meet their own needs.
Co-dependents are perfectionists; if they say yes to a
project they want to give it their best effort. They may
spend an inordinate amount of time trying to do something
perfectly,that does not need to be perfect.They may decide
they can't do as good a job of it as they want to, and just
not do anything at all about it.
17
Co-dependents are super-responsible in some areas of
their lives, and super-irresponsible in other areas of their
lives. Super-mom has become a familiar term; the mom brings
home the bacon, fries it up for breakfast, cleans the house,
takes care of the children, then slips into a flimsy
negligee, sprays on the perfume, and relaxes with hubby.
Co-dependents have not learned that they can't have it all,
all the time, and all at once.
Co-dependents lie when it would be just as easy to tell
the truth. Just as addicts lie to protect their source of
addiction, so co-dependents lie to protect their own addicts
and addictions.
They lie to others, and they lie to themselves.
Friends have told me that they aren't co-dependent any more,
they live alone now. They have also told me that they know
they have problems, but they "working on their
problems." Co-dependency is not a disease one can recover
from without help, and if one is a co-dependent and lives
alone, one lives in a co-dependent/addict relationship.
18
Co-dependents are loyal to a fault. They will live in
a relationship, job situation, or friendship that involves
mental emotional or physical abuse, lack of respect, lack of
love, or addiction for many years, sometimes even for life.
Co-dependents will minimize or deny problems with the
family or organization. They must keep the "secrets" of
the family or organization, or at least minimize the extent
and severity of the problems. Denial and minimization are
not actual lying, as the co-dependent actually sees a
different reality. So long as a co-dependent can deny a
problem exists, or can convince others that the problem is
not too serious, or is only temporary, the co-dependent does
not have to face the reality of the problem or do anything
about it.
The communication of co-dependents is usually indirect
and confusing. The co-dependent may say something one day,
and deny saying it the next. The co-dependent may give
instructions or information through a third party, thereby
creating great confusion. The co-dependent must create the
confusion so that everyone in the organization or family is
so busy trying to figure out just what is going on, that
they have no time to consider the real situation.
19
Co-dependents make hasty judgements and decisions, then
spend a lot of time trying to either justify the decision
that has been made, or trying to "fix" it so that it will
work.
Co-dependents have difficulty planning projects and
following through on them. Many children from dysfunctional
homes have problems in school because they have not learned
the planning steps required to complete projects.
Co-dependents complain a lot about situations, but if
someone offers assistance they will refuse the assistance.
Co-dependents frequently have poor fiscal judgement,
they are more concerned with being liked than exercising
good money management.
And last, but perhaps most important, Co-dependents are
usually very controlling people. They need to keep their
thumb on everything that happens within the family or
organization, to manage family members or co-workers. They
need to manage information and communication so that they
are the only ones who "know" what is taking place, and
others are left hanging asking each other, what's happening?
20
CO-DEPENDENT ROLES
Psychologist have identified specific roles that are
acted out in dysfunctional families. Although they use
different terminology, they describe the same roles.
The "hero" is the member of the family or organization
that justifies the family or organization "being.• The
hero is the person in the family or organization with above
average school grades, a special talent for music, sports,
or other activity that brings glory to the family or
organization. The hero enables the family or organization
to maintain the "O.K." status. He or she is O.K., that
means the family or organization is O.K.
The "caretaker" is the member of the family or
organization that attempts to keep the peace, smooth
the water, and enable the family or organization to
continue in the pattern that has been established. This
person is usually the one who is also responsible for
keeping the family or organizational "secrets."
21
The "clown" or "troublemaker" is the person who
attempts to divert all attention away from what is actually
going on in the family or organization. This person may
have problems with law enforcement agencies, school
authorities, or supervisors in order to create problems
to draw attention away from the problems within the
family or organization. This may be the clown, who gets
into situations because of doing or saying funny things
to direct attention to self, to provide a cover-up for
what is really happening.
The "lost child" is the person who sits quietly
in the background, doesn't speak much, and tries to avoid
contact and responsiblity with everyone and everything.
This is often the "good" person who causes no problems,
and does nothing to draw attention. As a child, this
person was considered by teachers and parents to be
problem-free, and is often considered the ideal employee
because they do what is required, and don't complain.
22
These roles are not set in stone, and may be acted
out by the same person at different times depending on
the circumstances. If the role-player should leave the
organization or family, the players will shift position
so that all roles are again covered.
23
CO-DEPENDENTS IN THE CHURCH
How does all this relate to the church and our
position as a member of the church staff? How does this
affect all of us as employees in a local church?
Consider some situations that have occurred in
churches or other organizations that many of us have
been required to confront.
A committee member on a very important committee within
the church is a co-dependent who wants and needs to have the
most successful committee ever in the history of the church.
This person really wants to make a mark in the life of the
church. Since this person may also be a perfectionist, who
better to lead this committee? Co-dependents can not trust
others to work as hard, or do a job properly, so this co-
dependent may work alone, without consulting the other
members of the committee, then present "the plan• to the
committee. The committee, which had no input into "the
plan" may blow the plan out of the water, and the whole
project may be changed at the last possible minute, thereby
creating additional work, great confusion, and many unhappy
committee members.
24
Consider a leader of a very important committee,working on a
very important project in the life of the church at a
specific time. The project has a definite time line, and
cannot proceed until such time as this committee has
completed the planning portion of the project. At the
meetings of other committees that are instrumental in this
project, and awaiting reports from this specific committee,
the leader is unavailable to attend the other committee
meetings, and does not select another committee member
to attend, thereby bringing the project to an immediate
impasse.
Consider a choir director with a goal of increasing
the number of choir members. Although other choir members
may insist that the choir is dwindling in size, the choir
director may be reporting to anyone who asks that the choir
has greatly expanded it's numbers, they just don't all come
to church at the same time. This could be expanded to
include a pastor who wants to increase church attendance,
or a DCE who is trying to increase Sunday School attendance
records.
25
Consider a situation where a church employee has been
assigned the responsibility to provide information to
another employee to enable the second employee to complete
an important ongoing function. The first employee may
provide false or misleading information, or even no
information, explaining that he or she was busy doing
other things, and did not have time to accumulate or
assemble the required information.
Consider a situation where an employee has taken on so
many responsibilities that there is no way all of the
contracted responsibilities can be completed. The employee
begins to complain about the work required, the time
involved, and the increase in the stress level. When someone
listens, and obtains some additional help for them during
the busy times, they are still unhappy. The helper is
either not reliable, won't do the job properly, or is more
bother than help.
These situations and others very like them, are almost
sure to occur in churches where there are co-dependents.
26
These situations and others like them, are the kinds of
situations that many of us will be called on to confront and
resolve, as we continue in our employment with the church.
One of the first things we have to realize is that
addicts and co-dependents utilize addictive thinking
patterns, which on the surface appear to make sense. Close
examination, however, reveals that this thinking is not
logical. Psychologists call this pattern of thinking
"stinking thinking."
Addicts say, "I can quit anytime I want.• The truth
is, addicts are unable to quit anytime they want. Many
addicts blame other people, physical problems,stress,
financial problems, and even headaches for continuing an
addictive life style, while the person who is thinking
logically can easily see that their addictive pattern is
causing their problem. Their conception of cause and effect
is flawed.
Psychologists tell us that entering a "stress-
reduction" program does not treat work addiction, it only
makes one healthier, so that one can work harder, but
eventually the addiction will win.
27
If a person has an addiction, the first step is to
acknowledge the addiction by entering a twelve step program
specifically for the addiction. Once the addiction is
under control, the person may want to enter a program
for co-dependency. Programs for addiction do not treat
co-dependency, and programs for co-dependency do not treat
addiction.
In order to confront and resolve situations regarding
an addict or co-dependent, we need to be aware of what is
going on. We need to be aware that someone is overloading
with work that logically can not be accomplished. We need
to be aware of things that are not being done, or not being
done in a reasonable time frame, and determine why this
is happening. We need to learn to be truthful to ourselves,
and to learn to recognize the •stinking thinking.•
We need to keep in mind that addictions and
co-dependency are inter-related, and that left untreated
can lead to death.
28
Although there is no cure for addiction or co-
dependency at this time, there are effective programs
of treatment and recovery. More people need to be aware
of the characteristics of these diseases, and to
seek treatment where required.
We also need to be aware that we can only change
ourselves, but in the general course of events, that
is enough.
29
CODEPENDENCY AT CENTRAL UNITED METHODIST CHURCH
Is there co-dependency at Central United Methodist
which I proclaim my church both by rights of membership and
as a staff person?
Yes, unfortunately, Central United Methodist Church is
plagued by co-dependency and addiction of staff members, and
also by co-dependency and addiction of some of the church
leaders.
Our senior pastor admits to regularly working seventy
or eighty hours per week on a regular basis, which is surely
a symptom of work addiction.
We have issues within the church staff that have never
been addressed, although they are introduced in staff
meetings repeatedly. We have discussed issues involving
staff safety, and the protection of volunteer workers who
are members, at the times when the church is unlocked, open
to the public and fully staffed by two female employees.
We are a downtown church in an area where there are a number
of street people, most of whom are mentally ill, drug and
alcohol abusers, criminally violent, and openly wear or
carry knives.
30
We have issues within the church membership regarding
parking for meetings, services, and other events. Our
parking lot is directly across from the main entrances to
the Presbyterian and Episcopal churches. Their parking lot
is behind their churches, and requires walking around their
building to enter their sanctuary. It is much more
convenient to park in our small lot, thereby forcing our
members to search for parking. Although we see this misuse
of our parking lot, and hear our members complain about it
no one has taken any measures to prevent random parking in
Central's parking lot.
We have issues within the staff regarding favoritism
of certain staff persons, the "hero" children, who can do
no wrong. We have issues within the staff regarding the
assignments of duties, and the lack of supervision or
follow up to assure that responsibilities are fulfilled.
We have issues within the staff regarding staff members
who are normally physically in the church, but have no
authority to respond to anything that may happen, and
frequently have no earthly idea where absent staff
members might be reached.
31
We have issues within the staff regarding the lack
of regular office hours for most of the staff members,
the lack of communication regarding where staff members
may be reached if needed, and when they will be available
to meet with members of the congregation and others who may
require information, or assistance.
32
CO-DEPENDENT STAFF MEMBERS IN RECOVERY
We now have three members of the staff at Central in
recovery from co-dependency programs. We live with the
knowledge that at any time we may be sucked back into the
co-dependency cycle by our fellow workers.
When things begin to get crazy, as they always do
when there are co-dependents involved, we in recovery try
to step back to determine, is this something we should
be involved in? Is this something we can change? If we
are involved in reactions to other co-dependents, we scurry
around trying to do what we can to help, and later may say
"I can't believe I did that.•
We are not fully recovered at this time, so we often
revert to our old learned patterns, but more often now
we recognize when we do, and admit it to each other, either
in our CODA meeting or in a quick "reality" check with each
other privately.
Since lying to oneself is a particular danger for co-
dependents in recovery, we try to be extremely honest with
ourselves and with others. Occasionally when we are not
quite sure of ourselves, we hold a "truth" check, to see
if we are denying, minimizing, or being untruthful.
33
CONCLUSION
When this project started, I had a lot of uncertainty about how to begin, how much to say, and when t.o stop.
My objective was to let others know about the diseases
of addiction and co-dependency, and how they could affect
not only individuals but also organizations.
As a co-dependent, the temptation to write a perfect
paper, to cover all bases, and try to convert everyone
to a recovery program for co-dependents is very strong.
However, as I travel through my recovery program, I
have learned that this is only my co-dependency surfacing,
and so I have done as instructed, cut back my working hours,
attended my CODA meetings, planned my vacation, and am now
ready to head for Ohio to visit children and grandchildren
there, possibly make a few amends, and submitted a project
that I know is not perfect, but hope a beginning is "good
enough. •
34
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Beattie, Melody Beyond Codependency San Francisco: Harper and Row, 1989
Beattie, Melody New York:
Fassel, Diane San Francisco:
Codependent No More Harper and Row, 1987
Working Ourselves To Death Harper and Row, 1990
Fish, Melinda When Addiction Comes to Church Old Tappan, N.J.: Chosen Books, 1990
Friends in Recovery The 12 Steps for Adult Children
Hart, Archibald D. Healing Lifes Hidden Addictions Ann Arbor: Servant Publications, 1990
Hemfelt, Robert et al Love is a Choice Nashville: Thomas Nelson Pub., 1989
Jackson, Walter, C. Codependence and the Christian Faith Nashville: Broadman Press, 1990
Miller, Joy Addictive RelationshiPs Deerfield Beach, Fl: Health Communications, Inc., 1989
Minirth, Frank et al How to Beat Burnout Chicago: Moodey Press, 1986
Minirth, Frank et al Grand Rapids:
The Workaholic and His Family Baker Bookhouse, 1981
Nakken, Craig The Addictive Personality San Francisco: Harper and Row, 1988
Robinson, Bryan Work Addiction Deerfield Beach: Health Communication, Inc., 1989
Schael,Anne Wilson and Fassel,Diane The Addictive Organization San Francisco: Harper and Row, 1988
Twerski, Abraham Addictive Thinking San Francisco: Harper and Row, 1990
Wortitz, Janet G. The Self-Sabotage Syndrome Deerfield Beach: Health Communications, Inc., 1989
CODA 11EETif{G FORtiAT
1. •Good Evening and welcome to the Church of Co-Dependents Anonymous. My name is
Str·eet Coed meeting and I
am a co-dependent. Would you please help me open this meeting with a moment of silence, followed by the Serenity Prayer.•
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
2. Leader read the "Preamble."
3. "I've asked to read the Twelve Steps."
4. "I've asked to read the Twelve Traditions.•
5. Leader read the "Welcome . • 6. "Is there anyone here attending for the first time? Welcome to Co-Dependents Anonymous. Let's go around the room and introduce ourselves by our first names."
7. "I've asked
8. "Tonight we are on the begin reading, and as is our IT paragraph and pass the book to
9. SHARING TitlE:
to read the daily affirmation.•
step in our readings. tradition, we will each
the next person. •
I will read a
•our aessage is one of Identification and Hope. We identify our co-dependency by sharing with others how co-dependency developed in our lives and our relationships in childhood, how we have carried it into our adult lives and relationships, and how we came to Co-Dependents Anonymous.
The message of Hope is given through sharing what we are now doing in Co-Dependents Anonymous to recover <how we are, on a personal level, applying the program principles to our daily lives and relationships--i.e.what we are learning in recovery, how we are applying the Steps to our lives, sharing with a sponsor, reaching out to others, becoming involved in CoDA work, etc. >. CoDA is an anonymous program. We ask that you respect the anonymity and crinfidentiality of each person in this meeting. We ask that : What you see here, what is said here, when you leave here, let it stay here.
I'll open the floor at this time to anyone who would like to share. Please limit your sharing to 3-5 minutes to allow for everyone to share. We ask that you please not interrupt someone
else's sharing, not make comments about other people's statements, do not give advice, and talk only about yourself."
10. •rt is time for us to close unless someone else has a burning desire to talk •••..••• •<pause>.
11. "Our 7th Tradition reminds us that we are self-supporting through our own contributions. We ask that you donate only as you can. Persons attending for the first time are not expected to contribute. Donations are used for meeting expenses, literature, and general CoDA expenses. •
12. • Are there any CODA announcements? •
13. "Let's close our meeting with the Lord's Prayer or a silent prayer of your choice.•
14. "Keep coming back. It works if you work it.•
PREAKBLE
Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of men whose common problem is an inability to maintain relationships.
and women functional
We share with one another in the hopes of solving our common problem and helping others to recover. The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and fulfilling relationships with others and ourselves.
CoDA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization or institution; does not wish to engage in any controversy; neither endorses nor opposes any causes. We rely upon the wisdom, knowledge, Twelve Steps, and Twelve Traditions, as adopted for our purpose from Alcoholics Anonymous, as the principles of our program and guides to living healthy lives. Although separate entities, we should always cooperate with all twelve-step recovery programs.
This material is reproduced this project the
permission of CODA International, P.O. Box 33577, Phoenix
AZ 85067-3577
WELCOIIE
We welcome you to Co-Dependents Anonymous, a program of recovery from co-dependency where each of us may share our experience, strength, and hope in our efforts to find freedom where there has been bondage and peace where there has been turmoil in our relationships with others and ourselves.
Most of us have been searching for ways to overcome the dilemmas of the conflicts in our relationships and our childhoods. Many of us were raised in families where addictions existed--some of us were not. In either case, we have found in each of our lives that co-dependency is a most deeply-rooted, compulsive, behavior and that it is born out of our sometimes moderately, sometimes extremely dysfunctional family systems.
We have each experienced in our own ways the painful trauma of the emptiness of our childhood and relationships throughout our lives. We attempted to use others--our mates, our friends, and even our children, as our sole source of identity, value, and well-being and as a way of trying to restore within us the emotional losses from our childhoods. Our histories may include other powerful addictions which at times we have used to cope with our co-dependency.
We have all learned to survive life, but in CoDA we are learning to live life. Through applying the Twelve Steps and principles found in CoDA to our daily life and relationships, both present and past, we can experience a new freedom from our self-defeating lifestyles. It is an individual growth process. Each of us is growing at our own pace and will continue to do so as we remain open to God's will for us on a daily basis. Our sharing is our way of identification and helps us to free the emotional bonds of our past and the compulsive control of our present.
No matter how traumatic your past or despairing your present may seem, there is hope for a new day in the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous. No longer do you need to rely on others as a power greater than yourself. May you instead find here a new strength within to be that which God intended--Precious and Free.
This material is reproduced For use in this project with
the permission oF CODA International, P.O. Box 33577, Phoenix,
AZ 85067-3577
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The Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous*
1. We admitted we were powerless over others- that our lives had become unmanage-able.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God .
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves .
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to other co-dependents, and to practice these principles in all our af-fairs .
*The Twelve Steps reprinted for adaptation with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous 1. We ad milled we were powerle11 over alcohol- that our livea had become unmanageable. 2. Came to helieve that& power p-cater than ourselvea could rcr;lore Ul to lanily. 3. Made a deciaion to turn our will and our livea over to the care of Cod 01 we undentood Him. 4. Made a acarching and fearleu moral inventory of ouraeh•ea. 5. Admitted to God, to ouuelvu, and to another human bein1 the exact nature of our "-'ronga. 6. \l'ere entirely ready to have Cod remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly uked Him to remove our ahortcominp;. 8. ,'\fade a fill of all persona we had harmed, and became willing lo make amcnd1 to them all. 9. Made direct amend• to auch people "'·hcrcvcr pouiblc, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscioua conl.acl with Cod u we understood Him, praying only for kno""·lcdge of Hi.s will for us and the power to carry that oul. 12. Havins had a spiritual awakening u the rcaull of Step•, we tried to carrythU mc11a1c to other alcol1olica, and to practice thcac principiCI in all our affairs.
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The Twelve Traditions of Co-Dependents Anonymous*
1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon CoDA unity.
2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority- a loving Higher Power as expressed to our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.
3. The only requirement for membership in CoDA is a desire for healthy and loving relationships.
4. Each group should remain autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or CoDA as a whole .
5. Each group has but one primary purpose- to carry its message to other co-depend-ents who still suffer.
6. A CoDA group ought never endorse, finance or lend the CoDA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary spiritual aim.
7. Every CoDA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions .
8. Co-Dependents Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, l:)ut our service centers may employ special workers.
9. CoDA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or com-mittees directly responsible to those they serve.
10. CoDA has no opinion on outside issues; hence the CoDA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.
11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films.
12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions; ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.
* The Twelve Traditions reprinted for adaptation with permission of Alcoholics Anony-mous World Services, Inc.
The Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous 1. Our common welfare al10uld come fir•t; pcrAonal rcco'Vcry dcJ•cndl upon A.A. unity. 2. F'or our grou1• purpo.c there"' but one ultim11tc aulhorily- • lo-ving Cod •• lie may cxprc111 in our b'TOUJI c:on .. cicnce. Our leaden 1r1: buttru•tecl
they do not go,, ern. 3. The only requirement for A.A. i11 • dc.irc to llop drinking. 4. Each group .hould he autnnomoua except in manera affecting other group• or A.A. aa a w}utle. 5. Each t;roup hu but one primury purroMJ -lo carry ita mc••agc to the alcoholic who 11illaufTen. 6. An A.A. group ougltt never cndor8C1 linance or lend 1hc A . .\. name to any related raciJily Or oul1idc cnterprillC, leal problema of mont.oy, properly and JtrellliGe divert Ul rrom OUr primary purpoae. 7. Every A.A. group ought to be rully aclr ... upporting, declining out'"de 8. Alcoholice Anonymuu• .hould remain rore"Ver nonpro(e•aional, hut our aervice cenlcn may •pedal worlc.era. 9. A.A., aa auch, ought never he .. nb.r.d; but we may create llCrvicc hoartlll or commillcca direclly rc•pon•ihlc to tl•o.c 1l1c)' 10. Alcoholic• Anon)·moua h111a no opinit1n on oulaide iaiUCSi hence 1he A.A. name ousht never he drawn inlo rublic eonlrov(!rllf• II. Our puhlic rclatio•n• (Ktlicy ia h1111cd on allraclion ralhcr than rromotinn; we need alwaya maintain pcl"flonal anon,·mity allhc Je,·cl or rrc••, ndit•, and lilma. 12. Anonymity ia tile •pirilual roundation or all our Tndilinn•, ever reminding Ull lu t•lau:e (trinci .. lca bcrort: J'Cf'llllllllllili•:•.
