HAL DOWN THE HALL

"Pilot"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2014

Hal Down the Hall

Half hour multicamera sitcom

Characters

Hal - 54, aggravating, obnoxious, but not really a bad guyonce you get to know him (role intended for Jason Alexander)

Jess - 23, thin, attractive, confrontational, takes charge

Joe - 25, doesnt take things seriously, easy to get alongwith, somewhat unintelligent, has a bit of the LA surfer boypersonality type

Sally - 50, tough, doesnt take crap from anyone, but canalso be friendly, and occasionally shows her vulnerable side

Carlos - 25, South American, almost never smiles, seriousdemeanor, not sociable or friendly, quiet--but in anintimidating kind of way

Jackie - 23, cheerful, pleasant, outgoing

INT. JESSS APARTMENT - DAY

JESS (23, thin attractive) is watching TV in a small,somewhat messy apartment. The doorbell rings. Jess turns offthe TV walks to the door, and looks in the peephole. Sheopens the door to reveal HAL (53--role intended for JasonAlexander).

HALHi.

JESS(hostile, unfriendly)

... Seriously?

HALUm. Well. "Seriously" isnt reallya greeting. Lets try this again.Hi.

JESSBye.

She closes the door. The doorbell rings again, and she opensthe door.

2.

HALOK. That was a little better.Because "bye" is in the samegeneral category as "hi." But thosetwo words dont really work wellnext to each other, as a "hi-bye"sandwich. Lets try this one moretime. Im gonna say "hi." And thenyoure gonna say...

JESSHow did you get into the building?

HALIm good. How are you?

JESSWhat are you doing here? You knowwhat? Dont even answer that. Justleave.

HALOK. ... Can I come in?

He walks in, and Jess closes the door.

HALThis is a nice place. Its very LA.It even smells LA.

JESSHow does it smell LA?

HALYou know. It smells like anearthquake. And it looks like itwas hit by an earthquake. ... So,youre really like a, you know... agrown up.

JESSYeah. Im a grown up. I vote, I paytaxes, I use tampons. I do a widevariety of grown up things. Mainlyvoting, taxes, and tampons.

HALWell. Me, too--except for thetampons. So--I heard that you workfor Neiman Marcus.

3.

JESSYeah. I do. OK. So, uh, thanks fordropping by. Would you like a cupof hot tea as I walk you out?

HALSo what do you do at Neiman Marcus?

JESS... I work there.

HALOh. Thats interesting. I also workwhere I work. Its a familytradition.

JESSWhat time is it?

Hal looks at his watch.

HAL1:00.

JESSYou should get going. Youre gonnabe late.

HALFor what?

JESSI dont know--just make somethingup.

HALUm. I think you got the whole "fakeexcuse" thing backwards. If youretrying to avoid someone, youre notsupposed to tell him to make theexcuse. Yeah. Because if hes theone who comes up with the excuse,he might suspect that its fake.

JESSFine. Ill make up the excuse. Youhave to be at a brothel in 20minutes.

HAL... So what kind of work you do atNeiman Marcus?

4.

JESSThe kind where you work, and thenyou leave work, and then the nextday, you work.

He spots a picture of her with the Dalai Lama.

HALIs that the Dalai Lama?

JESSNo. Thats his stunt double. Hisname is Rusty. He does all theDalai Lamas meditation stunts.

HALYeah. Rusty Henderson. I went tohigh school with him. ... You lookawfully thin. Have you been eatingenough? You know, I have a halfpack of M&Ms in my car. Do you wantit?

JESS(annoyed)

Uggh.

HALTheyre peanut M&Ms. They have moreprotein than regular M&Ms.

She takes out a cigarettes, puts one in her lips, and startsreaching for a lighter.

HALYou smoke?

JESSOf course not. I just like how thiscigarette matches the color of mylips.

She lights the cigarette.

JESSAnd the smoke matches the color ofhow much I cant stand you.

HALSince when do you smoke?

5.

JESSDont worry. I didnt start smokinguntil like ten years after Istarted shooting heroin.

HALHow come no one told me about yoursmoking?

JESSWell. Its all there in the May2011 issue of my absent fathernewsletter. Yeah. Im surprised youdidnt subscribe to thatnewsletter, considering howyoure my absent father.

HALI am not your absent father. I waspresent for the first 15 years. AndI paid child support the next four.

JESSOh. I stand corrected, Mr. Johnson.You know what? Since you paid fouryears worth of child support, maybeI should call you daddy.

HALThe point it, I dont want you tosmoke.

JESSWhat gives you the right to tell menot to smoke?

HALWell. Im your father.

JESSAre you sure youre not my Mr.Johnson? Oh--and lets not forgetwhat you do for a living, daddy.

HALI dont see how thats relevant.

JESSYou work for a cigarette company!

HALBut my company doesnt makecigarettes for people like you.

6.

JESSPeople like me?

HALLittle girls shouldnt smokecigarettes! They should play withdolls, and paint their toenails.

JESSIm not a little girl. Im a grownup. Remember the taxes and tampons?

HALYoure only 22.

JESSIm only 24.

HALHoney--you know Im not good atmath.

JESSKnowing your daughters age isntmath. By the way--its my birthdaytoday.

HALOh. Happy birthday, honey.

JESSWhat the hell are you talkingabout?! Its not my birthday today!My birthday was four months ago!You dont know my age, or mybirthday!

HAL... Honey. What you just did iscalled entrapment. Its illegal.

JESSAnd what you did is calledabandonment.

HALThe point is, youre only 24.

JESSNo Im not! Im only 23! Uggh! Youjust walked in here, and youvealready been wrong about my agetwice. How is that even possible?!

7.

HALWell. Maybe its because youreusing female math, and Im usingmale math.

JESSWhat?

HALYou see, honey--male math isconsistent, while female math keepschanging, until it confuses thehell out of me.

JESSStop bringing up math. This isntabout math.

HALRight. Its about smoking.

He grabs her cigarette, and puts it out in an ash tray.

JESSIm old enough to smoke.

HALNo youre not. Plus, youre a girl.

JESSIm a girl? Oh. What tipped youoff? Was it the inconsistent math,or the consistent tampons?

HALMy point is that my companymakes cigarettes for grown men. Menwho drink beer at a bar after theywork as a lumberjack for ten hours.Men who ride horses and lasso cows.Men who eat a pound of bacon beforethey go to bed. Men like that.Theyre the ones who should besmoking. Not my 23 year olddaughter.

JESSOh. Well. When you put it thatway...

She lights another cigarette and takes a puff.

8.

JESS...Youre out of your mind. Now canyou stop playing the role of myfather the anti-smoking activist?

HALOK. Well. I guess you want meto butt out. By the way, thats acigarette pun. Butt out.I thought Id lighten the mood withsome smoking humor. Or, as we inthe industry like to call it, a"smokey-jokey."

Jess smokes her cigarette and stares at him.

HALOK. Ill butt out.

JESSGreat.

He looks in the bathroom, and sees some aftershave.

HALIs that aftershave?

He spots something in the bedroom. He takes a few stepstowards the bedroom.

HALAre those boxer shorts?

No response.

He spots some more boxer shorts

HALTheres another pair. And another.Three pairs of boxer shorts.

JESSWell. Apparently, youre not thatbad at math, as long as it doesntinvolve my birthday.

HALWhose underwear is that?

JESSMy boyfriends.

9.

HALYoure living with your boyfriend?

JESSNo. I just think his underwearmatches the color of my floor.

HALHow come no one told me you wereliving with your boyfriend?

JESSIts in the newsletter.

HALHow long have you been seeing thisboyfriend of yours?

JESSNo.

HAL... It wasnt really a yes or noquestion.

JESSNo.

HALUh. Can you explain what you meanby those two nos?

JESSNo.

HALAre you gonna respond to everythingI say with a no?

JESSNo. Heres my response this time:"butt out." Oh--and after youredone butting out, get out! Go backto your life in Chicago.

HALOh. That reminds me. Ive got somegood news. ... I just moved to LA.

JESSWhat? Why?

10.

HALTo live near you.

JESSNo.

HALYes.

JESSWhy else did you move here?

HAL... Well. I got a job here with myold company, LD Tobacco.

JESSWhat was wrong with your job inChicago?

HALWell. Three things. One--my parkingspot was way too far from theoffice. Two--I got fired. Andthree--they took away my parkingspot. So now I live here.

JESSNo.

HALWhat do you mean, no? I live in LA.

JESSNo.

HALYes.

JESSMove back to Chicago.

HALNo.

JESSNo?

HALNo.

11.

JESSWell Im no-ing your no.

HALYou cant no my no. Honey. Youdont understand. I moved to LA foryou.

JESSOK. Great. Thanks for stopping bymy apartment and counting the boxershorts. Be sure to come back in tenyears and count all the socks onthe floor, and how many manyillegal immigrants are hiding in mytoaster.

HALI seriously moved here for you.

JESSNo.

HALYes. I can prove it.

JESSOh really?

HALYeah.

He takes out a key, and shows it to her.

JESSIs that like a metaphor orsomething?

HALNo. Its a literal.

He walks to the front door, and opens it, and takes a coupleof steps out.

HALFollow me.

She closes the door on him. He knocks, and she opens thedoor.

HALOK. Lets try that again. Followme.

12.

JESSFollow you where?

HALJust put on your shoes and letsgo.

She rolls her eyes, and puts on her shoes. They leave theapartment, and she locks her door.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Hal leads her a few apartments down, and uses his key toopen the door. It reveals an empty apartment.

JESSWhat the hell is this?

HALIts my apartment. Notice howtheres no underwear on the floor.Im, uh, moving in at 2.

JESS... Is there any point in me sayingno anymore?

HALNo.

JESS(confused)

Youre, youre, moving in, why,what, I dont... what?

HALIll give you a second to processall of this.

JESSWhy would you move into mybuilding?

HALBecause I, Mr. Johnson, want to beyour father.

JESSGet out.

13.

HALThis is my apartment.

JESSI was talking to myself. Get out.OK--I will.

She starts walking out.

He follows her out.

JESSNo. You stay in your apartment, andbutt out.

HALNo.

She walks back to her apartment while Hal follows her.

INT. JESSS APARTMENT - DAY

JESSWhat do you want from me?

HALI dont want anything from you.Were just hanging out. Father anddaughter.

JESSIm 24--not 23. Thats the thirdtime youve been wrong about myage. Youre not my father.

HALFine. Were just hanging out. Me,Mr. Hal Johnson, and you, Miss JessJohnson.

JOE (25) walks in.

HALAnd him, Mr. Jockey Shorts.

JESS(to Joe)

Hi, honey. Um. This ismy... biological father, HalJohnson. Mr. Johnson, this is myboyfriend Joe.

14.

HALWell. If it isnt Joe. Or Joey boy,as some like to call him. Iveheard so much about you, Joseph.

JOEReally?

HALWell. I havent heard that muchabout you. But Ive seen so much ofyour underwear lying around my 24year old daughters apartment.

JOE(to Jess)

I thought you were 23.

HALWell, Jospehus--that depends onwhether youre using female math ormale math.

JOEUm. Is that like Spanish, wheresome words are "la," and other onesare "el?"

HALJess--I didnt know your boyfriendwas Mexican.

(to Joe)Well. Feliz Navidad, Jose.

JOEUm. Im not Mexican, and its notChristmas.

HALSure it is. Male Christmas is onDecember 25th, but female Christmasis whenever you feel likecelebrating it.

JOEOK. La Feliz Navidad.

HALLet me ask you something, Joe Joe.Have you ever heard of a hamper?

15.

JOEUm. Yeah. Actually, I work at Crateand Barrel. I sell hampers--I justdont really use them.

HALWell Joe, I guess that means wehave a lot in common.

JOELike what?

HALHypocrisy. You sell hampers, andyou dont use them. I sellcigarettes, and I dont smoke them.

JOEWell--we dont have that much incommon. I mean, hampers dont giveyou lung cancer.

HAL(to Jess)

Great, Jess. Youre living with theSurgeon General of Crate andBarrel.

JESSJoe--can I talk to you for a secondin the bedroom?

HALYou mean the male bedroom or thefemale bedroom?

JESSWe only have one bedroom.

HALWell maybe you should have two.

JESSJoe. Get in the bedroom.

They begin walking to the bedroom.

HALWhile youre in there, dont forgetto pick up your underwear, Joseph!

They walk into the bedroom and shut the door.

16.

INT. JESSS APARTMENT (BEDROOM) - DAY

JOESo. That was your father. Or Mr.Johnson.

JESSYeah. Did you enjoy yourconversation with him, Joey boy?

JOEWhats he doing in town?

JESSOh. Hes just visiting, and movingin to our building today at 2:00.

JOEWait. Um. I think something gotlost in translation there, amigo.Whos visiting, and whos moving into what building at when, and whyare you calling me Joey boy?

JESSI havent seem him since I was 15,and now he thinks hes my father. Idont know why. He rented theapartment down the hall.

JOEDown the hall? What isthis--Everybody Loves Raymond?

He starts picking up his underwear.

JESSWhat are you doing?

JOEIm just picking up my underwear.

JESSDrop your underwear right now!

He drops the underwear.

JESSThis is not Everybody LovesRaymond.

17.

JOERight. Its more like Make Room ForDaddy.

JESSIts the opposite of Make Room ForDaddy. That guys not my daddy, andIm not gonna make any room forhim.

JOEUm. Isnt that a double negative?... Well--what should we do now?

JESSI was kind of hoping you wouldknow.

JOEWhy would I know that? I have anormal father, and I dont evenknow how to deal with him half thetime.

HAL (O.S.)(yelling from the other room)

Pick up your underwear, Joe!

Joe looks confused. He looks at his underwear.

JESSDont pick up any underwear.

She opens a drawer, grabs three pairs of his underwear andthrows them on the floor.

JOEWhat are you doing?

JESSIm decorating. Your underwearmatches the color of this floor.

JOEWell. My dirty underwear does--butI think my clean underwear wouldlook better in the kitchen.

JESSThats actually a good idea.

18.

JOE... Remember how like 20 secondsago, you asked for advice on how todeal with your father?

JESSYeah.

JOEIm gonna go ahead and recommendagainst the underwear strategy.

JESSWell then what should we do?

JOEUm. Maybe if we just hang out herefor another five minutes, hellleave.

HAL (O.S.)Oh Joey boy! You better not beputting the moves on mydaughter--or else Im gonna breakdown this door and put a crate upyour barrel.

JOE(to Jess)

Or we can call the police.

JESSOr we can call my mother.

JOEWhoa. Lets not get carried away,Jess. Your mother will beat his assthe way the cops beat up RodneyKing.

Jess dials a number on her phone.

JESS(into phone)(casually)

Mom. You know that guy you used tobe married to? ... Yeah--hes in myapartment, counting Joesunderwear. ... Uh huh. ...Yeah--and hes also moving in tothe apartment down the hall fromme. ... OK.

She gets off of the phone.

19.

JESS(to Joe)

Shell be here any minute now, withher baseball bat.

JOEGreat.

HAL (O.S.)You better not be proposing to mydaughter either, Joe-hosaphat.Jess--if he gets on one knee, justpunch him in the face!

Jess grabs three pairs of Joes underwear off of the ground,and opens the door.

JESS(to Hal)

Dont worry. Joes not gonnapropose until hes sure the baby ishis.

She throws the underwear into the kitchen.

HALWhat?!

JOEShes kidding. The babys not mine.

HALWhat?!

JOEI mean--the baby is mine. Imean--there is no baby, and itsnot mine.

JESSIsnt that a double negative?

Hal looks inside their bedroom, and then in the kitchen.

HALIt looks like Joes underwear ismultiplying. It went from three tosix.

JESS(to Joe)

Mr. Johnson is learning math bycounting your underwear.

20.

JOEOh.

(to Hal)Its easier if you use flash cards.

HALListen, Joe. If you want to keepseeing my daughter, you better moveout of here, and you better get herto smoke less and eat more.

(to Jess)And if you want to keep dating Joe,he better pick up his underwear,move out, and get a job that paysmore than hamper salesman.

JESSYou dont get to lecture me or himabout anything--whether itssmoking, money, or underwearmanagement.

HALListen, Jess. You want to know whyIm telling you to stop smoking?

JESSBecause youre a hypocrite, and abutt-in er.

HALBecause Im trying to be yourfather, instead of your Mr.Johnson.

JOEUm. This seems like a prettypersonal conversation. Maybe Ishould, like, go.

JESSNo. You shouldnt go. You shouldbutt in.

JOEButt in?

JESSYou butt in.

(to Hal)You butt out.

21.

HALSo Im moving in at 2. I gotfurniture coming in. How about youand Joe help me decorate? You know.Tell me where to put my sofa and myunderwear.

JESSHow about you put your underwear inChicago, and then you go join it?

JOEJess. You know. If your father...

JESSMy what?!

JOEI mean, if Mr. Johnson is gonnamove in down the hall, we might aswell just try to get along with hima little.

JESSOK. Great suggestion, Joe. Nowheres my suggestion to you. Buttout!

JOEI thought you wanted me to butt in?

JESSI wanted you to butt in because Ithought you were gonna take myside.

JOEI am taking your side!

JESSNo youre not. Youre taking hisside.

JOEHow am I taking his side? Hes theone who told you to punch me in thethe face during my marriageproposal!

JESSMaybe I should punch you in theface!

22.

JOEWell now youre the one whostaking his side!

JESSHow am I taking his side, if Imgonna punch you in the face fortaking his side?!

The doorbell rings.

HALOK. And thats the end of roundone. Both fighters, go back to yourcorners.

JESSWere not fighting each other.Were fighting you.

Jess opens the door, and reveals SALLY holding a baseballbat.

JOE(to Jess)

I think round two just started.HAL

(to Sally)Uh. Hi.

SALLYWhat the hell are you doing here?

HALUm. Well. "What the hell are youdoing here?" isnt really agreeting.

SALLYOh. Where are my manners? What Imeant to say was, "Hi Hal. What thehell are you doing here, asshole?"

HAL... Im good. And how are you?

SALLYWell. Im feeling homicidal.

HALGreat. Sally--have you met Joe?Because if youre feeling

(MORE)

23.

HAL (contd)homicidal, hes the guy you shouldkill.

Jess takes out another cigarette and lights it.

HAL(to Sally)

You know, shes been smoking forthree years.

SALLYYou know, youve been a schmuck for54 years.

HAL... Joe--are you gonna let her talkto me like that?

Joe looks confused.

HALYoure on my side--remember?

JOEUm. You just told her to kill me.

SALLY(to Hal and Joe)

I see the two of you have met.

HALOh yeah. Me and ol Joe Joe Joeyboy.

SALLYWell, Joe. What do you think of myex-husband the schmuck?

HALObjection. Referring to me as "theschmuck" is an attempt to sway thewitness.

SALLYHes not a witness yet. I stillhavent committed the homicide!

HALJess--will you please tell MarkMcGwire to put down the bat andstop taking steroids?

24.

JOEYou know, this seems like apersonal matter, and I dont wantto witness a homicide--so Im justgonna go home.

JESSJoe--this is your home.

JOETouche. But Im gonna go anyways.

JESSNo youre not. I want you to buttin--remember?

JOEYou said butt out.

The doorbell rings again.

HALRound 3.

JESSThat must be Jackie and Carlos.Were supposed to go bike ridingwith them today.

SALLYGo ahead. Ill stay here with Hal.

HALJess--dont leave me alone withher.

Jess opens the door to reveal JACKIE and CARLOS.

JESSHi.

HALThere you go, Jess. Thats agreeting. Hi.

JESSJackie, Carlos--this is HalJohnson. Mr. Johnson, these are myfriends Jackie and Carlos.

HALCarlos! Feliz Navidad, amigo! Haveyou met Jose?

25.

CARLOSJose?

JOEHe means me.

HALSo, Carlos and Jackie--what bringsthe two of you here?

JACKIEWell. We, um--were supposed to gobiking with Joe and Jess.

HALThat sounds like fun. Can I come?

JACKIE(cheerful, smiling, friendly)

Yeah. That would be great. By theway--who are you?

HALIm Jesss, uh--well, according toJess, Im not her father.

JACKIEI see. Well, according to Jess, Imnot her father, either.

HALRight. Well. We have a lot incommon.

SALLY(to Hal)

You dont have that much in common,Hal. According to Jesss mother,youre a 54 year old schmuck.

HALSally--youre swaying anotherwitness. Now one more personsgonna think Im a schmuck.

CARLOSTwo more people.

SALLYI guess its unanimous.

26.

HALI declare a mistrial.

JACKIE(to Sally)

Um. Hi, Mrs. Johnson.

SALLYHi, Jackie.

JACKIEWhy are you holding a baseball bat?

JESSBecause it matches the color of Mr.Johnsons head.

JACKIEOK. Im gonna put two and twotogether, and conclude that Mr.Johnson is your father.

JESSYou got it.

JACKIEWell...

(she turns to Hal)Its so great to finally meet you,Mr. Johnson.

HALWell its great to meet you too,Jackie. Thats the first nicegreeting Ive gotten all day.

JACKIEWhat brings you into town? Jesstells me you live in Chicago.

JESSHe didnt like his parking space inChicago--so he moved to LA.

HAL(to Jackie)

I moved to LA to be around Jess.

JACKIEWow. How wonderful. Where do youlive?

27.

HALDown the hall. Im moving in today.

JACKIEJess--this must be so exciting foryou.

JESSWell. Its not so much exciting asit is revolting.

HAL(to Jackie)

I, uh, kind of surprised everyonewith my move here.

CARLOSThat explains the baseball bat.

JACKIE(to Hal)

Well. Welcome to the neighborhood.My apartment is three blocks fromhere. And Carlos lives nearby, too.

HALIs Carlos your boyfriend?

JACKIEYeah.

HALAnd just to were clear--you dontlive with him.

JACKIERight.

HAL(to Jess)

Honey--learn from your friendJackie. She and Carlos have a maleapartment and a female apartment.

(to Carlos)And Carlos--what do yo do for aliving? Do you sell hampers?

CARLOSDonuts.

HALExcuse me?

28.

CARLOSI own a donut shop.

HAL(to Joe)

Joe--learn from Carlos. Hes abusinessman.

(to Jackie)And Jackie--what do you do?

JACKIEI work at Neiman Marcus, with yourdaughter.

JESSIm not his daughter.

JACKIE(to Hal)

I work at Neiman Marcus, with not-your-daughter.

HALAnd what it is that you andnot-my-daughter do at NeimanMarcus? I tried askingnot-my-daughter, butnot-my-daughter would not answer.

JOEThat sounds like a triple negative.

JACKIE(to Hal)

Well. Me and Jess sell shoes.

HALOK. Lets see. We got

(points to Jess)shoes,

(points to Jackie)shoes,

(points to Carlos)donuts,

(points to Joe)hampers, and

(points to Sally)homicide. Oh--and

(points to himself)cigarettes. Thats a good mix.

29.

JESSYeah. If we add an Indian Chief, wecan be the Village People. Now canyou please get out of my apartment?

JACKIEJess. He moved into your building.I mean, maybe you should just kindof, sort of, give him a littlechance.

HALAnd Sally--maybe you should putyour bat in the dugout, and pissthe steroids out of your system.

JESS(to Jackie)

Great. Youre taking his side,too--just like Joe.

JOEI never took his side. No onestaking his side.

CARLOS(stares at Hal)

Especially not me.

HALJess. For what its worth, I justwant you to know that, uh, when Ileft, I left because of me--notyou. It just seemed like I didntbelong here. I needed a freshstart--a new life.

JESSI know. You told me that sevenyears ago.

HALRight. I just--Ive missed you alot. I wanted to call orsomething--but I just couldnt pullthe trigger. I couldnt do it. Iuh, I built a wall around my lifeback there. And I--I had a fiancein Chicago, and that was my life.But, you know, here I am now. Nomore wall. So uh, if you want to,uh--if you want to borrow some

(MORE)

30.

HAL (contd)coffee, or talk, or whatever, youknow where to find me. Ill be downthe hall. OK?

(to Joe)And Joe--pick up your underwear.

He walks out.

SALLY(to Jess)

Why is his underwear in yourkitchen?