Monthly Support Groups 2nd Tuesday of the month from 4:00 pm. to 5:00 p.m. @ Alpert Jewish Community Center in Long Beach.

This group offers a safe and supportive environment for participants to share their experiences and feelings related to loss.Pre-registration is required. Please contact Donna Baranyay at 562-426-7500 ext 206 for more information.

Individual SupportThe Bereavement Department of Haven Hospice offers individual support. For more information or to make an appointment

for an individual meeting please contact our Bereavement Coordinator, Donna Baranyay at (562) 426-7500 ext 206

Volunteering With HavenAre you ready to become a Haven Hospice Volunteer? If you are interested in this rewarding opportunity, or you know

anyone who is looking to volunteer his or her time, please contact Erin McCuan, Director of Volunteer Services (562) 426-7500 ext 409.

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email Jennifer Orellana at Jennifer.Orellana@havenhealth.org or call the office at (562) 426-7500 ext 300.Thank you for your assistance.

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Haven Health Bereavement SoCal

Growing and Coping with Loss An Interview with Paula Prager

When we are grieving the death of a loved one there may be times when we question how we will cope with the myriad of emotions and experiences that come with this part of the journey. Even though each one of us grieves uniquely it is sometimes helpful to talk with others on the grieving journey, not to “compare notes” but rather to learn from one another. I had the opportunity to speak with one of our bereaved, Paula and ask her a few questions about her experiences along the grieving journey. Paula is a community member and is grieving the death of her spouse, B’nai 6 months ago. We met at the Long Beach Jewish Community Center to talk for a bit as her artwork was being hung there for an art show.

As Paula showed us her artwork we talked about many things including what has helped her cope, what have been the hardest moments and how did she get through them, what forms of self care did she practice and what or who are a part of her support team.

Below are a few of the questions that we discussed with her answers following:

What has helped you cope and in what ways have you been able to integrate B’nai’s memory into your life as a widow?

Paula shared that what has helped her cope was her painting, readings related to grief and the grieving process, her grandchildren, and her sense of humor.

She also said that her spouse had been a poet and a writer when he was alive. Paula decided to take specific lines from B’nai’s poetry and interpret it in art form. She shared that while B’nai was sick she wasn’t able to pick up a paint brush the entire time. However, as she continued to grieve his death she felt called to return to painting. She shared that at first as she began to paint that her tears would drop into the paint as she painted. She feels that her grief through her tears are incorporated into some of the pieces. This has helped her remain connected to him.

Reflecting back over the past several months, when were the hardest moments? Where are you today?

Paula shared that her hardest moments included times of feeling lonely and sad… “overwhelming sadness of him not being around anymore”. She said keeping busy helps but that at night and when she gets home from being out is difficult because they spent a lot of time at home together when he was alive.

Paula shared that today she feels that she is not as angry as she used to be and that she finds that reading B’nai’s poetry brings her comfort.

What has changed for you since B’nai’s death several months ago? Has the way you coped changed in any way?

Paula shared that some of the things that have challenged her include becoming more dependent on her children. Paula shared that she needs help with errands and other things that B’nai used to help her with before his death. Paula also shared that her expectations

have changed as has her family situation.Paula shared that one way she has been coping with her grief since B’nai died is to take a good look at herself and has

begun to make changes that she feels are positive. Paula also shared that she is expanding the way that she looks at things when situations come up or she is experiencing feelings of sadness, grief, or loneliness.

“Miracles come in moments. Be ready and willing.”

- Wayne Dyer

July & August 2014

Growing and Coping with Loss cont...Who or what do you turn to for support?Paula described loss as “personal” and that she has reached out for support through many different avenues including

volunteering at the Jewish Community Center and her Temple, contacting hospice if she needs to talk with someone, seeing her physician for any medical needs, and embracing her faith on a deeper level.

What forms of self care do you practice?Paula shared that her main form of self care at this time is her artwork and that she tries to paint every day. Paula also

shared that she reads and watches movies when she can. Paula also shared that she is beginning to move forward and can feel a transformation within her.

How do you continue to celebrate your love?Paula shared that she continues to celebrate her love for B’nai through her artwork and memories of them together.

B’nai was an astrologer so she learned a lot about astrology throughout their relationship. According to Paula, the moon holds our memories and the sun is the giver of life. Her paintings often include a sun or a moon – or both reminding her of the power of memories.

Miracles may show up as a moment of clarity or healing unexpectedly. It may feel like you are walking through some dark days, almost like you are in a fog when you realize that there are “clear skies” again and you wonder what happened. What most likely happened was a shift in perspective or perception. A realization that you are doing ok and that the neutral or happy moments are beginning to outweigh the dark, heavy, bleak moments often experienced along the grieving journey. Each moment builds on another moment, until the moments become hours, days, weeks, and eventually years. It is often when we are able to see beyond our own pain and embrace the opportunity to assist others on their journey that we begin to heal. Finding the courage and the energy to see beyond ourselves holds the power to transform our grief and to see and encounter the miracles of and in life. I wish you all the best on your healing journey.

Paula’s art show at the Jewish Community Center in Long Beach is called “Remembrance and More”. It will be showing until July 2, 2014.

A beggar had been sitting by the side of the road for thirty years.

One day a stranger walked by.

“Spare some change?” mumbled the beggar.

“I have nothing to give you,” said the stranger. Then he asked: “What’s that you’re sitting on?”

“Nothing, “ replied the beggar. “Just an old box. I’ve been sitting on it for as long as I can remember.

“Ever look inside?,” asked the stranger.

“No,” said the beggar. “What’s the point, there’s nothing in there.”

“Have a look inside,” insisted the stranger. The beggar, reluctantly, managed to pry open the lid. Withastonishment, disbelief, and elation, he saw that the box was filled with gold.

I am that stranger who has nothing to give you and who is telling you to look inside. Not inside any box, as in the parable, but somewhere even closer: inside yourself.

The story above speaks to the power within us. Each of us has an inner strength, a resilience, that can empower us to heal and move into a life steeped in peace. Resilience means that we have the ability to recover from loss. As we begin the grieving journey we have something powerful within us that can assist us in healing and renewing ourselves. I encourage you to turn within and discover this power in a way that you feel comfortable. For some it may be through journaling or grief writing, others may lean on their faith, return to nature or some place that brings them peace and comfort. Others may choose to volunteer somewhere they feel joy or peace - an animal shelter, hospital nursery, a school, a library, or some other place that calls to them to volunteer their time, talent, and energy.

From The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenmentby Eckhart Tolle

In sharing parts of my trip to Italy last year with friends, several responded to hearing of Venice, Florence and Rome with “those are on my Bucket List”. In 2007, Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman starred in The Bucket List, a charming story about the two escaping from a cancer ward after receiving news that they would die within approximately 6 months. The two then headed off on a road trip with a wish list of to dos before they die. Each of my friends hearing of my trip to Italy is younger than me and in perfect health. Their comments struck me as a redefinition of a Bucket List; after all, they were not dying.

The whole idea of creating a Bucket List is to catalog those things that you would like to experience before you die. It occurred to me that the point in time when a Bucket List is created may not be nearly as important as is the motivation to actually create the experience. For those unusual souls that create their Bucket List early in life and then structure their life path around systematically checking the experiences off the list, I give them high praise - for that is not the path most of us take. In the movie, Nicholson and Freeman characterized two of the classic three profiles of people regretting the life that they have led. Jack Nicholson played the part of the man so dedicated to his work that he missed out on creating loving human relationships. Morgan Freeman played the part of the man so dedicated to his family that his own dreams were unfulfilled. The third profile which was not depicted in the movie is the person that ‘lives passively’, never accomplishes enough, and does not pursue their dreams.

For most of us, while we may or may not have actually penned a bucket list as did Nicholson and Freeman, such a list might be better termed a Procrastination List, as we push our dreams to some future date. Such a Procrastination List only turns into a Bucket List with the insertion of one of two key catalysts: our own terminal diagnosis or the death of a loved one. What may have been a Procrastination List often turns into a Regrets List. Sadly, it is rare that a Regrets List ever develops into an implementable Bucket List. For most, the death of a loved

one may trigger thoughts of re-evaluating one’s own life, but rarely produces a new direction.

Trauma often serves as the motivation to search for meaning. Without trauma, and certainly we do not wish trauma on anyone, there is often an absence of motivation to seek ‘deep’ meaning. Without such impetus, our minds are free to create dreams of what we hope life will bring. And while

it is wonderful to dream, daily routine tends to change the name of our List from Bucket to Procrastination. Consider the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson, who said, “The purpose of life is not (merely) to be happy – it is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well”. With that said, consider the name of your list: Bucket, Procrastination or Regrets. And if you don’t have a Bucket List, start one.

Philip Sorley is the CEO of Haven Health and Bella Vida Hospice.

Your Bucket List By Philip Sorley, PhD