Heaven is Not So Far

7/28/2019 Heaven is Not So Far

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AcknowledgementDespite the hard times that I have been going through since the

departure of my love, Mary, I cannot deny God's mercy on me in every

single moment and His generous grace which strengthens me and neverlets me down. I was granted the ability to make myself busy, to practicesmiling, and to mask my inner pain by laughing among friends and

coworkers, feigning a state of full recovery!

I also cannot forget those who surrounded me and never stopped

supporting me and standing by my side, namely, Fr. Shenouda Doss

and Fr. Barsoum Kamel in Ottawa, Canada, for their kindness, big

hearts, and non-stop prayers for me. Even if he is not physically close,

Fr. Youhanna Fouad, the father of confession of my beloved Mary, isalways taking care of me, even from a distance. Another name, is my

brother and best friend, Bassem Wanis, I have a lot to say about him

but I summarize it all and say that I can't imagine being in Canadawithout having such a person by my side!

Dear readers, if you are wondering how my English progressed this

fast, I want to tell you not to be deceived as I received much help from

nice people in translating this booklet, namely; Laurine Youssef,

Matthew Hanna, Julie Mossad and another humble gentleman whodidn't allow me to publish his name. Also, there are others who helped

indirectly to make this booklet happen; Morkos Sokkar (the big heart),my school friend, Beshoy Soliman, Martin Hanna and his wonderful

wife Amira, and others who I will not be able to address in one single

page! I am so thankful to them all and I pray for God to reward them

richly for their efforts.

Makram

7th of December, 2012


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Among these pages..

Who can speak about Mary but me? ............................................................................ 3Why do I write? ........................................................................................................... 3The intolerable journey from Canada to Egypt ............................................................. 4It was meant to be.................................................................................................... 5God knows.. ................................................................................................................ 6"......but then face to face." (1 Corinthians 13:12) ......................................................... 6The real reason.. .......................................................................................................... 7Did Mary sense her departure? .................................................................................... 7He turned her around by her shoulders to embrace her.... ............................................. 7 The day of the Lord comes as a thief.... ........................................................................ 8"For God may speak in one way, or in another, yet man does not perceive it." (Job

33:14) .......................................................................................................................... 8This does not constitute a pessimistic view...... ............................................................ 9Some stories are unconventional .................................................................................. 9Question: What does God desire? ................................................................................ 9Believe yourself and prove me wrong ........................................................................ 10Why would I exalt my beautiful beloved? .................................................................. 10Simple in her depth, and deep in her simplicity .......................................................... 11The last biblical excerpt that we read together ........................................................... 11From beginning to end ............................................................................................... 12She never complained about pain ............................................................................... 12Evangelize......with just a smile .................................................................................. 13Heaven accepts even the ministry outcasts ................................................................. 13Was it heaven's disposition......? ................................................................................. 13How did my beloved qualify for the kingdom? .......................................................... 14Mary.....my joy and my refuge ................................................................................... 14My beloved's patron St. Seraphim of Sarov ............................................................... 17This is sufficient for me..... ........................................................................................ 18


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Before I start, I should mention that this eulogy was originally written in Arabic,

but I was lucky enough to find some loving friends who helped me in translating it, so I

can share it with a wider scope of English speakers, among friends and coworkers. One

more thing that you may need to know, dear reader, is that I am one of those people wholove to express their thoughts and feelings in a written manner, and I usually merge my

humble experiences in life with my intrinsic imagination and put them all in short stories,articles, and poems. I am not writing this introduction to show any self-pride but to giveyou an idea about who I am and why I write.

It is indeed cruel reality, which propelled me to lament my beloved's departure and towrite her eulogy. Only two days prior to her passing, she had reproached me for having

stopped writing my blog since traveling to Canada. She loved to read, review, and

comment on my work. I responded by saying that she should not blame me, because there

was nothing up until that moment that had moved me to write! Ironically, I am nowdriven to write, by the ringing of her voice in my ears, by the impact of her words on my

soul, by the flood of emotions, and by the depth of pure love I shared with her. Therefore

now, I will write, so that I may speak.

Who can speak about Mary but me?Did I not bring her,

And entice her?I journeyed to her home to see her,

After having loved her.

If I were to talk about Mary, I can only say,My beloved, my refuge, and my joy.

Who, other than me, can talk about Mary?

This is the beginning of a poem that I had started writing secretly several months ago. Itdoesn't look like a poem, but trust me it is in Arabic! I was intending to surprise her on

our wedding day! I never dreamed that I would use this same poem to send her off to

heaven but this is the will of God!

I appeal to all; everyone who knew us, those who simply heard of us, and those who did

not, that this situation should neither elicit tears, nor feelings of sympathy; the extent and

depth of my story with Mary surpasses a love story which seemingly ended tragically.Rather, looking at it through the eyes of faith, we arrive at the realization that it

constituted a happy ending for her; furthermore, if heaven grants us a measure of hope,

we can conclude that the ending was not only comforting, but also a lesson for us about

salvation.

Why do I write?The purpose of these words is not to commemorate Mary, my beloved, after all, how

can I possibly restore an eternal memory?! Does not the Holy Bible say, "...the righteouswill be in everlasting remembrance...? (Psalm 112:6)


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The purpose of these words is not to honour a person who led a beautiful angelic life

among us, after all, how can I possibly honour my beloved Mary, after her having been

honoured in heaven?!

The purpose of these words is not to break the readers' hearts by sharing the apparent

tragedy concerning my bride whom heaven chose to be the bride of Christ. Is it not naiveto lament a bride after her having been betrothed to the heavenly Groom?!

The purpose of these words is not to elevate the stature of my loved one to that of saints

or martyrs, since in the kingdom of heaven "...one star differs from another star in glory."(1 Corinthians 15:41)

Rather, we are the target of these words, not her. It makes no sense that God take this

beautiful soul, so that she may rejoice in heaven, and end the story by leaving us toagonize over her departure. For how long will we see these events as just another episode

of a tragic series, in times where the sick live to suffer and the youth are taken away in

the prime of their lives?! Despite the difficulty we encounter when attempting tounderstand the divine equation, we must fully believe and appreciate that, ultimately, itworks for the benefit of the Kingdom of Heaven.

The intolerable journey from Canada to Egypt

I

cannot describe my state upon hearing the news of my beloved's departure. I spent morethan seventeen hours in solitude, with neither sympathizers nor supporters; I even had to

silence my tears, and to stifle my sobs and gasps, to avoid attracting the attention of other

passengers on the plane. In my efforts to deny reality, I spent the time arguing bitterlywith myself. Coincidentally, I was tormented by sweet recollections: from the echo of her

voice in my ears, to the image of her angelic smile, to her mischievous reactions,

anecdotes, facial expressions, and childlike laugh. Dashed were all my aspirations to lead

a traditional life of a man committing himself to a lifelong relationship with a woman -my beautiful beloved - until separated by death. I embarked on a perpetual thought cycle,

which swung between news, disbelief, and warm memories; coupled with attempts to

conceptualize the new, cruelly imposed future, which I would have to endure without my

princess, whom I sought and never found. After this bitter and debilitating trip, and afterthe soul grinding which tore me apart during the flight's long hours, I was rewarded at my

arrival, by receiving condolences alongside her father and older brother!

I assure you, dear brothers and sisters, that far be it for me to dramatize, or to attempt to

rend your hearts through this sad narrative; rather, I am simply attempting to describe the

depth of my wound and the extent of my pain, which led me to confess the work of our

Dear God, if Your will was to take away Isaac from me, could You

not have taken him away gently? Could you not even keep him for

me as I am not Abraham... Dear Lord, look at me, I am not

Abraham!!


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tender God Who never abandons us, and who constantly comforts us, despite this

harshness of this hardship.

Indeed, the departure of my beloved has torn me asunder, and, although the woundremains unhealed, I continue to feel God's work in comforting both myself, and her

family. I know that this comfort is thanks to our loved ones who realize, through theirspiritual intelligence, the power of prayer for us. Such prayer is much more effective inexpressing practical love, than condolences and words of comfort - of course without

belittling our need for appreciation of the latter. My dear friend, a simple measure of the

extent of comfort, which God imparted on me, is that I am still alive and have notcontemplated suicide! Furthermore, rest assured that I continue to ascribe infinite wisdom

to our God. I have not blasphemed, and even more than that, I realized that throughout all

these years, I wasn't fighting in prayers as one who beats the air, but I was speaking with

the Almighty who controls the whole universe! (1 Corinthians 9:26) I deeply recognizedhow close His ears were to my moving lips and beating heart!

Our tender, all-merciful God has granted me numerous successes within a short period oftime. Amid all these successes, the most precious, beautiful, possession I had was Mary,my journey's companion, my greatest achievement was my love for her, and my greatest

acquisition was hers for me. My beloved constantly detailed God's bounties despite the

hardships we faced. Mary was my pampered Isaac who owned everything in me; Godtook away my "Isaac" without warning. Each one of us has their cherished Isaac, but

which one of us has Abraham's faith, and would willingly give up his first and only

love/son?! It might be embarrassing but I have to admit it, not me! If, prior to herdeparture, heaven had consulted with me, I would have selfishly refused to let her go to

her place of rest! However, if the choice were given to me now, I would choose to accept

the pain, rather than to deprive her of her"good part."(Luke 10:42)

It was meant to beGod permitted that I meet this beauty, and that we grow together in noble, holy feelings,

and in ambitious plans for a beautiful future. Why, then, did He turn around and deprive

me of her in a flash, resulting in a complete change in the course of my life and plans? Iasked myself "why?" and proceeded to examine all the possible answers:

The evil man within me said, "Definitely because God does not love you!" But my

moderate self responded: "Hardships create men!" Then, my proud ambitioncountered, "The very word "end" means "a new beginning" - your entire future isbefore you!" Finally, my weak, suffocating, spiritual voice said, " Bl essed is the man

who endures temptation! "(James 1:12) As these voices struggled within me, competing

for my attention, a thought occurred to me: it was meant to be! God could have readilychosen someone else - but He chose me! I subsequently kept repeating, "It was meant to

beit was meant to be!" I would not be exaggerating if I say that I feel now like I can

convince all the atheists of the existence of God, simply because I was part of Godsplan! The more I repeated the idea audibly, the more I liked it: "God meant this for meI

am the object of God's attention! I am the object of God's attention!" He has focused His

attention on me, deigned to look down upon me from His Throne, and chose me above allothers. But why did He choose me? I have no idea! Maybe He chose me to support, to


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punish, or to tease me? Nevertheless, at the end of the day, what really matters is that I

was the focus of Him who sits on the Throne! I had been betrothed to His bride!

My dear friend, you may interpret my words as a wretch seeking to comfort himself. ButI assure you; this write-up should not be seen as a means for my literary gratification.

Shouldnt I feel proud to be part of Gods plan? Am I not justified in boasting that,before Mary became Christs bride, she was my betrothed? On the other hand, havingbeen my betrothed, why did she not become my bride? That was my heart's desire.

Although I am still struggling to find a succinct, direct, answer to this question, I will live

under the pretext that "it was meant to bethis is Gods plan to me until such a time asGod reveals to me.

God knowsI will bare to you my soul and innermost feelings, and I make no claims of being highly

spiritual; in all truthfulness I can say that, up till my writing the present message and ayear after, the extent of my comfort had not been such that I could impart it to others.

However, I do have sufficient faith and hope to accept God's will and, as I develop

spiritually, will be more thankful. Although I have not yet attained this level, God knows

our weakness and accepts it. He also knows the depth of the wound from which I sufferedsince the loss of my beautiful angel and future wife - the future, which will never happen.

I always felt that God would test me in some way - but I always told my beloved thatGod would test us, without dwelling on the thought, lest we should lose hope, and lest

our relationship and inner peace should suffer.

God permits that we experience hardships. They may take various forms such as carrying

the cross of sickness, or that of failure in studies or relationships, floundering of a

business, or any other material losses. The passing away of a loved one, however, is a

particularly difficult hardship: this is because it cannot change - it does not "go away";rather, we have to accept it and live with it, until full healing has taken place. Is it too

difficult for God to heal us? At a certain spiritual level of maturity - which I have not yet

attained - I would rejoice because my beloved is in heaven (these were the words ofcondolences which were offered to me). I might find consolation in this reality with

regards to her salvation, to deepen my faith in heaven, and to my relative comfort during

my recurring pangs of pain. Nevertheless, I have yet to experience joy, in the true sense

of the word.

"...but then face to face." (1 Corinthians 13:12)Heaven is the perfection of human desire, and its most enjoyable aspect is Gods

presence but this is a reality that we dont seem to grasp, and because we cant

understand it, our hearts are not comforted by it. Our teacher, St. Paul the apostle, says inthis respect: "For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face." (1 Corinthians

13:12) However elevated our spiritual level may be, we will continue to regard heaven as

a mystery!


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My dear Mary, you are blessed indeed for, having attained heaven, you have uncovered

the mystery, and you have enjoyed our Beloved. It is inconceivable that you would not

have felt Him - if that were the case, you would have sought to return to resume your life

with us, since you would have found my tears, my yearning for you, and the depth of mywound, unbearable.

The real reason...We strive to understand heaven through the eyes of our faith; but now you areexperiencing it "face to face". Therefore, entreat the Lord that He may grant us a measure

of heavenly knowledge that we might sense your heavenly joy, and realize that we are

strangers here on earth; only then can our tears be wiped, and our scars of separationhealed! Yes Lord, the spiritual facts can only be understood by those who are highly

spiritual. We entreat You, O Lord, to forgive our spiritual shortcomings that bring forth

our suffering and our senseless complaining about Your will. Grant that we understand

the plan of Your salvation - this truly will be the real source of our comfort. If forgettingand occupying ourselves with worldly matters were the real source of comfort, then the

loss of another loved one would precipitate yet another cycle of pain and sorrow! Dear

Lord, we have had enough grief and we entreat You to increase our depth of

understanding of Your kingdom.

Did Mary sense her departure?Did she see a vision? Did she have a dream? Did heaven give her or me any sign? Did

she speak to me in riddles which I was able to interpret later? Did she renounce thisworld in the period preceding her departure?

My dear friends, believe me, none of this ever happened. In fact, almost up till the day of

her departure, we had been discussing future plans together. I remember her pointing outto me a website showing photos of wedding dresses, leading us to discuss details of the

wedding ceremony and subsequent reception. We wanted to "keep it simple," evenwithout a DJ. Although I discussed my ideas with her, I purposely held back some, inorder to surprise her that day (just like the unfinished poem I mentioned earlier). I had

also suggested that we use some excerpts from a video, taken during her birthday party,

which was uploaded on Facebook. We were keen on celebrating a spiritual wedding (notbecause of Church restrictions, but because that is what we wanted), and at the same time

we wanted to make it unique. Briefly, my beloved had no prior warning whatsoever of

her impending departure from this world. While this does not make any difference to her

situation, it greatly adds to the pain incurred by me and her family.

He turned her around by her shoulders to embrace her....

My dear reader, I will appease your curiosity about the cause of death by telling you howmy beloved departed......God usually dealt with her as with a child who retained herinnocent behaviour up till the age of twenty-two. He did not permit that she suffer from

an illness, or get into an accident, or anything like that. That is why I imagine that, at the

appointed time of her departure, God took her in perfect calmness - it was as though He

approached her from behind, closed her eyes in Divine love, and asked, "My dear, do youknow Who I am?" Whereupon she raised her hands and felt the imprint of the nails in His

hands, and, before answering Him, He opened her eyes, enabling her to see what other


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eyes have not seen, and to hear what others have not heard. He then turned her by her

shoulders and embraced her!

The day of the Lord comes as a thief....Dear brothers and sisters, whenever the moment of death, judgment, or the secondcoming is mentioned, it is customary for us to feel nervous or frightened - since this,

indeed, constitutes a tremendous moment. For this very reason, we recite the following

during the midnight prayer: "O Lord, grant unto us to attend at that hour without fear,anxiety, or condemnation. Do not judge us according to our sins, for You alone, have

loving kindness, longsuffering, and great mercy. We also entreat our mother, the holy

Virgin, saying, "...defeat the conspiracies of the enemy, and shuts the gates of Hades, lestthey might swallow our souls, O you bride without blemish of the true Bridegroom.

Although my beloved had no prior knowledge of the moment of her departure, she was

prepared inwardly. That day, which might have seemed like any other, was not: it was the

day of her crowning.

The Divine purpose for my beloved's departure to heaven is at once eternal rest for her

and a message of salvation for us. Although God's tenderness is such that He suffers

through our hardships, He constantly desires to enable us to win the kingdom, through thesalvation of our souls. These are the very souls that He redeemed through His life-giving

Cross, and that He saved from eternal suffering, against which our current pains pale by

comparison. This is the message to you, my dear reader. God's grace imparted to us -the closest people to my beloved - this same message, in addition to the cross of suffering

from her departure. However, I am completely confident that He will not abandon us unto

the end.

Truly, O Lord, increase our suffering, tear our hearts, receive our loved ones, and

multiply our hardships since You know the limits of our endurance, and You guarantee

that You lead us to the good part with You in paradise. Are You not our Father, Whoknows our weaknesses? Would You permit temptations to befall us which risk shaking

our faith? And how about the current, bitter, hardship - will You let it pass without its

yielding permanent spiritual fruit in our lives?! O righteous God, we entreat You togrant us, in the same measure as our loss and suffering, strength for lasting repentance,

and firm hope for salvation.

"For God may speak in one way, or in another, yet man does not

perceive it." (Job 33:14)The age in which we live has accustomed us to miracles and apparitions, to an abundance

of philosophies, and to abstractions instead of sanctities. This led us to forget the essence

of our loving God, and to transform the core of our magnificent religious belief intounnecessary complexities, thus burdening our souls, and making it harder for the simple

people to see the kingdom. Given this backdrop, what would God do to refocus our

attention on His kingdom, and to convince us that the time has come for harvest, whenmy preoccupation is with everything except eternal life? Is it mere coincidence that we

find lengthy lists of names of youth in the daily newspapers' "Obituaries" section, or is it

some form of mutual agreement between heaven and earth?! Does the Divine plan callfor reminding us of heaven, by taking away from us those who are prepared - or even


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semi-prepared?! The real question is: If, through the grace of God and the purity of her

heart, my beloved were worthy of the kingdom, could we infer that all the departed are

worthy?! That was a question that I have been always scared to ask loudly!!

This does not constitute a pessimistic view......We do not pretend to be the first ever to experience suffering. We used to count ourselves

among the ranks of those offering condolences - now we are receiving them. Tomorrow

we may see another role reversal. God may even graciously join us to the ranks of thedeparted, in the next few moments, rendering our departure the object of condolences!

Did all the departed have prior knowledge that their time had come?! My friend, this is

not a pessimistic view!! I am sure you will agree with me that, throughout the dazzlingcourse of life, God tests some, while delivering the message of His kingdom to the circle

around them. He then tests others to elevate them, also while delivering the message of

the kingdom to the circle around them. At the same time, He revisits the first group to

remind them of the purpose of their experience, which is the kingdom of heaven! Is it notsolely due to God's compassion that He continues to invite us to heaven one way or the

other?!

Some stories are unconventionalInitially, my story might seem unconventional; nevertheless, many others who have

preceded me have endured unconventional stories, and I am neither better than them, nor

am I immune to temptations! My dear friend, you yourself could have been one of those

who lost a loved one, such as a parent, sibling, betrothed, or friend. There could bedifferences in circumstances, such as; closeness of the departed person, how much the

departed used to occupy from someone's plans and dreams, details and timing of the

departure, and the faith base that a person will use while interpreting such tragedy. Based

on all these details, the impact of the incident will be different from one to another, butwhat is kept unchanged is that God remains the Physician who consistently administers

the appropriate dose of pain to His patient. I will refrain from saying that this Divinemedication is for recovery, change, or warning, but I will group these into one and say itis the measure that each person needs for salvation!

Question: What does God desire?The answer is well known: God "desires all men to be saved and to come to theknowledge of the truth."(1 Timothy 2:4). The bible explained it even more saying: "For

this is the will of God, your sanctification" (1 Thessalonians 4:3).

I have heard this answer several times from preachers, friends, those offering their

condolences, Sunday school classes and on religious broadcasts; but I had never either

appreciated this answer, or allowed it to sink in more deeply. But now, after my beloved'sdeparture, I have grown to perceive and meditate increasingly on this answer. My dearfriends, I know that you are smarter than me as you don't have to lose one of those

beloved ones (as I did mine), to think about what God's will is in your life? You don't

have to go through all these hard times to know that heaven is not so far!


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My dear God, I am desperately in need of You. I want You badly. I entreat You

to draw near unto me and to receive my heart. I do not want my heart,

rather, I want it to belong to You, O Lord, My God, I need You. Do not abandon

me, even if I forsook You - for though I am weak, I will derive strength fromYour power, through Your indwelling me and not through Your being beside me.

(excerpt from a prayer found in Mary's purse)

I urge you in Jesus Christ to spend some time contemplating God's will; you will find

answers to many of the questions that trouble you. You will also appreciate the essence of

life with God, which is growing deeper in our love for Him, and desiring to be saved!

But how would you grow, and how would you desire? You must pursue this quest on

your own: research the question, ask others, and pray that God guide you to the rightanswer. I beg you to let me know the result - since, rather than being in a position topreach, I am simply sharing with you both my positive and negative feelings. May the

Lord reveal to us the extent of His desire that we perceive His will!

Believe yourself and prove me wrongBrothers and sisters, it is likely that your understanding and perception of God differs

from mine; if this is indeed the case, I ask you to believe yourself and prove me wrong. If

you have any doubts, pray that you hear the voice of God within you. If God's voice is

unclear to you, consult your spiritual counsellor. In the latter case, do not discuss withhim the elements of doubts in your mind - rather, ask him to teach you how to listen to

God. I am sure you will agree that it is best if you heard the answer from God Himself!

Finally, if you are unable to discern between the voice of God and a struggle with Satan,

humble yourself and seek further guidance from your counsellor, since we learned thatdemons' voices are suppressed when exposed. We also learnt that, despite differences in

opinion among counsellors, we assume that they can, at least, differentiate between

thoughts sent from God versus others, can't they?!

Why would I exalt my beautiful beloved?I mentioned earlier that it is not my intent to elevate the stature of my loved one to that of

saints or martyrs. As a young lady, she had her weaknesses like everybody else. Although

she had periods of spiritual lukewarmness, she never surrendered to feelings ofestrangement from God. At the beginning of our relationship she told me that she was

struggling with anger; she had even recorded it in her diary five years earlier.Nevertheless, believe me, during our 16-month close relationship, I never saw any signsof unordinary anger feelings. She also used to tell me that when she felt that way, she

would refrain from speaking until she calmed down. Thus, she struggled against the sin

of "anger;" yet she triumphed and was even crowned as a reward for her struggle. I amsharing this with you, my friends, so that our hope can be renewed.


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*** The words below is written in Franco-Arab style and they are taken from Mary's

facebook.

Mary Messeha Sobhy:

han2ool elly ne7esso w ne7es elly ne2olo :))

Like Unfollow Post November 11 at 4:17pm

*** Translation:

We will feel what we say, and say what we feel."(Mary Messeeha Sobhy)

Mary and I have a secret page on Facebook which she had created at the beginning of our

relationship; the title she chose was "Just You and I." During the month prior to her

departure, she recorded in it a promise that we agreed on together, which was that "Wewill feel what we say, and say what we feel." This pledge represented the golden rule that

we applied always, and in everything.

Simple in her depth, and deep in her simplicity

Throughout her relationship with God, my beloved Mary was as simple and innocent as

the title of this section states. She never expressed in words except what she inwardly felt

and perceived - especially in spiritual matters. This was the genesis of her spontaneity

when conversing with Him. For example, to convey her sentiments of repentance, shewould say in a childish way, "I am sorry, dear Lord, I regret this, I will not do this again,

I know I am a bad girl." Her love of God was not complicated - and she prayed

unpretentiously. When she read the Holy Bible she never attempted to digest severalchapters in one sitting; rather, it sufficed us to read one chapter, taking turns - except for

the last time.

The last biblical excerpt that we read together

Saturday December 12th

, 2011 (two days before her departure): My beloved chose that

we meditate together on the Book of Ecclesiastes; such was her agreement with her fatherof confession, Father Youhanna. We read the first two chapters. This time, though, I

insisted that she lead both the reading and the meditation - normally she would insist on

"Dear Lord see I know that I am a very, very, bad girl; but seriously, You

know how much I love You. I yearn for the touch of Your hands. I long for

Your voice and Your words. I long for Your mercy and Your love for me. I very

much yearn for everything in You, my dear Father. Whenever I contemplate

how much You love me, I feel unworthy, yet in need, of You. I find myself

exalting Your Name and proclaiming it to everyone."

(excerpt from Mary's diary for December 23rd

, 2007)


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the contrary, with the excuse that we should share everything, especially spiritualities.

For the record, she was very detailed in her reading, and she favoured repetitions. She

spent time associating each verb with its correct subject; she was also apt at linking

meanings for the verses. Although we had the tendency of reading short chapters fromthe Catholic Epistles, changing this routine to the Book of Ecclesiastes conveyed the

clear message of, ".....indeed all was vanity and grasping for the wind." (Ecclesiastes2:11)

From beginning to end

My beloved's departure found me resuming the reading of the third chapter of

Ecclesiastes in solitude, while contending with a bitter internal struggle to fathom the will

of God Who, after granting me ".....a virtuous wife......her worth is far above rubies"(Proverbs 31:10), took her away......What, then, was the reason for all these arrangements

from the beginning? Why did it all have to end in this way? Were not our goals spiritual,

and did we not wish to have a traditional story?! God's prompting then led me to

understand the essence of the lesson: after having shared the reality of"Vanity of vanities,

all is vanity" (Ecclesiastes 1, 2) in the first two chapters, God answered me after herdeparture, in the third chapter, with the very words of my questions: "I can't find out the

reason - the work of God - beginning to end."

"Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the workthat God does from beginning to end." (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

The message was clear: I perceived that I was part of God's work with her from

beginning to end! At an even more profound level of understanding, I perceived that my

heavenly bride was equally part of God's work with me from beginning to end! Although

I accept, in theory, this fact, I am still unable to sense it!

She never complained about pain

Under the sponsorship of St. Anthony's Charitable Society, my beloved was responsible

for a service which called for the distribution of food packages to the Lord's brethren -the handicapped and disadvantaged, regardless of their religious affiliation. I remember

accompanying her once, seeking the blessings of such a service. I had not realized how

exhausting that service was for the volunteer servants: they packed and transported morethan 500 bags of food, each one weighing in excess of 6 kilograms! Being a member of

this team of blessed servants, Mary did her share of carrying, often repeatedly, those

heavy packages. Although I pitied her, since she constantly spoke of her back pains, her

teammates noted that she always disregarded her pain and laboured joyfully. After atypical day of hard service, Mary never spent much time either putting on her make-up,

or styling her hair, in order to go out with me. I even used to tease her saying, "I feel like

I am going out with one of my buddies!" Nevertheless, she remained my beautifulprincess at all times and under any circumstance!


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Some evangelize with just a smile

Mary was also responsible for reaching out to the sick. I wasequally fortunate to have accompanied her during one of her

visits to Anba Domedios Nursery Home in Giza. I watchedher closely, since she was really talented for such a service.

Believe me, dear friends, I am neither exaggerating noremotionally biased towards my lost fiance, but she reallyentered the hearts through her angelic smile. Without any

preaching, she offered them Christ through her tender and

warm greetings, and through listening to their stories andappreciating their needs. She always told me that the sick in

these homes were in a much greater need of ears to listen to

them, than someone to cater to their medical, physical, or hygienic needs. Despite her

efforts for commitment in her services, she was always saying that she is not doingenough!

Heaven accepts even the ministry outcasts

Have you ever asked yourself why some of your non-religious friends are not intoreligion?! If you don't know why, let me share with you Mary's story with one ofthose who claimed themselves to be a knowledgeable religious persons:

Mary narrated to me her story of rejection from servicing in Sunday School in her

hometown. To cut a long story short, that rejection was not for any personal reasons;rather, it was because of a rule which stipulated that girls wearing pants (as opposed to

skirts) were not eligible to serve in Sunday school! I cannot say that she seemed bitter,

since she was smiling as she while she was telling the story. Ironically, while many

priests and servants labor much in trying to draw youth towards the church, others end uppushing them away! I prefer to leave it up to the preachers and interpreters to debate the

reasons and/or the religious origin behind depriving pant-wearing girls from service.

Coincidentally, my beloved crept into heaven, along with those who summarized theirfaith in life with the following statement: We will always love God with no

complexities. Heaven can even accept those who were cast out of the service. May God

protect His church from those who lost the true essence of Christianity.

Was it heaven's disposition......?

Similarly to other couples, we spent much of our time planning; all our plans were

flexible, and adaptable to the changing circumstances. Mary knew my type was such that

not only did I think, plan, research and modify, but I also presented to her all the details,explaining my plans, expectations, probabilities of success, timing, and backup plans. She

used to listen attentively to all those arrangements and, whenever I expressed concerns or

reservations with respect to all the available options, she always reassured me of the ever-present guiding hand of God. To a simple person like Mary, a life of submission was

easier than to a person like me who is always busy with million ideas, and constantly


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My goal is friendship with God. I believe that a friend of God would deal very

effectively with people such that people would come to love God through

this person.

Mary Messeha

planning! We were generally in agreement on short-term plans; our disagreements were

slightly more on the long-term ones. Those disagreements were probably heaven's

disposition, because there was no distant future to start with!

How did my beloved qualify for the kingdom of heaven?

While privately thinking out loud, I wondered what the dominant attribute which qualifyMary for the kingdom of heaven? Was it her service in church or volunteering work in a

charitable organization? On the other hand, I noted that many of her co-servants wereequally dedicated and, likely, maybe even more committed! With regards to her spiritual

activities, she also shared those with many friends, and with me. Can I then infer that I

qualify for the kingdom, given that I am a servant and that I do have some spiritual

activities?! I answered myself with the realization that Mary's dominant spiritualattributes, which overshadowed her laborious service, were her purity of heart, her

simplicity, and her love for all, which stemmed from her love to our loving God. Through

her meekness, she acquired people's love for her on earth; she was thus capable of seeing

God in heaven through the purity of her heart (Matthew 5:5 & 8). Being worthy or not,

let's listen to what our teacher, St. Paul said about it:

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faithand this is not from

yourselves, it is the gift of God (Ephesians 2:8)

Mary, my joy and my refuge

The joy, youthfulness, love of friends, and beautiful smile, which I found in Mary, led me

to embrace life. In some respects, we found ourselves different from other engaged

couples. As an example, we chose not to have traditional bridal chairs for ourengagement ceremony, and we did not follow the custom of having a romantic table set

exclusively for us. We preferred to have fun with our family and friends - hence we ate

from their plates and took pictures. The engagement party was therefore more like anouting or a Nile cruise with the friends, rather than a serene ceremony! But that was how

we enjoyed ourselves, how we celebrated and, briefly, how we are! All of our friends

knew that the best time my princess and I spent was with them - when they were around;

we never preferred privacy over their company. Strangely enough, we actually agreed onthese matters!

I also remember that my outings with Mary seemed to have more of an adventurous than

a romantic nature. The first movie we watched together in the theaters was actually acartoon! We enjoyed ourselves immensely, and we laughed not only at the movie, but

also at the fact that we were surrounded by children! I always recall her as an angel

playfully asking that I buy her candy and nuts so that she could dump the shells on the


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floor of my car to tease me - just as I used to tease her by saying that she did not know

how to paint her nails! There are many beautiful recollections within me; I remember,

for instance, the time when the car broke down in the middle of nowhere - and how

childlike she laughed, while I fretted. I also remember travelling with her on a train (wewere on our way to a conference of the Anba Antonios Family in Beni Swayf) when she

spilled her Pepsi over one of the passengers; she strongly apologized while laughing - shethen paused and resumed her laughter and apologies. We arrived miraculously at ourdestination without any foul language being thrown at us by the poor lady! She was my

beloved, my princess, my child she was my joy and the source of my happiness.

Mary was also my refuge; to me, she was like a monastery where I would enjoy solitude

every now and then. I recall that she always asked me about my spiritual life, and

whether I tithed, prayed, read in the Holy Bible and, esp1ecially, regularly attended thedivine liturgies. We sometimes discussed those issues in detail; for example, I would tell

her frankly that I attended liturgy but did not enjoy it - whereupon she would encourage

me. There were also other spiritual matters pertaining to the two of us, where my growthwas encouraged, thanks to her and to the grace of God. However, my spiritual laziness

slowed down my learning process. I believe that now - by virtue of her current position -

she is more responsible and committed to following my spiritual life, so that I can be

saved like her.

You will know them by their fruitsIt is not a surprise that my beloved is such a beauty, with an angelic smile, a childlike

soul, filled with purity and simplicity, spontaneity and honesty. This is my chance to

introduce to you her beautiful family; and even if I dont, you will know them by theirfruits.

Her father, Mr. Messeha Sobhi: A formal man, with few words, but with a heart full oflove. Anyone who has ever dealt with him can witness to his faithfulness and how keen

he is on making sure everyone around him is okay. Mary used to tell me Dad looks so

serious but he is so very kind and loving. This smart father realized his daughters

personality, her open-mindedness, her love for the service, her playfulness, and her sociallife; and so he gave her a balanced freedom in everything. Believe me when I say that this

was the best possible way to deal with such a child, who is humble and stubborn at the

same time.

Her mother, Mrs. Ayda Mosad: I will purposely not talk about the details of the

spiritual life of this great mother, but it is enough for you to know the reaction of thisbeautiful mom who unquestionably suffered a great deal, and yet dealt with the situation

I now know nothing except that God is truly my Father; I do not know,

though, whether I am truly His daughter or whether I have abandoned this

relationship. Its essential that I go back to the bosom of my heavenly Father,

to avoid straying from His path.

Mary Messeeha


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with astonishing faith. This came from a mother who dreamed of a conventional story

(that I dreamed of as well) where her beautiful daughter would get married; but let it be

according to Gods will which preferred to give Mary eternal rest more than to have her

enjoy the love of such an amazing mom. Is there even room for comparison?

Her first brother, Michael Messeha: A smart man, caring towards everyone, especiallyMary. He used to hide his love for her, trying to be tough, but according to her, everyonecan see through him. Although, he hid his love for her, and his feeling of responsibility

towards her, he appreciated all that she was interested in, and he was proud of her, even if

he showed the opposite. These kinds of people with such a well of emotions toward thosewhom they love, tend to show what they cant hide.

Her second brother, Shenouda Messeha: Mary used to call him the good diplomat,

with a heart full of love. He succeeded in understanding what the each member of thefamily needed, and he was the one to reconcile the whole family. My love used to share

with him everything that was on her mind (even after our engagement), and she used to

tell me, Shenouda is just like me, but on the guy side. I remember she also used to tellme that he was naturally so humble (even without knowing) and was obedient toeveryone.

I thought I should address a message to each one of them, but the words do not do

justice. I will settle and say this: you are all in my heart.

Her father of confession, and her spiritual guide: Fr. Youhanna FouadI would need an entire book to talk about this priest, with a heart warmed with love, full

of fervent service. This wise father realized his daughters spiritual capabilities, and

peacefully led her in the right path.

I used to admire her relationship with her spiritual father, who used to think of her as his

spoiled child in everything, except in the spiritual matters. I am not going to go in details,

but I will summarize and say this: how many of us grew up in a beautiful home, with anopen-minded, wise, and peaceful father, such as Mr. Messeha? And in the arms of a

mother who was a role model in all the spiritual matters, such a Mrs. Ayda? And under

the guidance of a loving spiritual father, who was balanced in his views, and at the same

time strict regarding the spiritualities?

Heaven has welcomed new member in its victorious church. The church we are

increasingly longing for, especially after the departure of my beloved fiance.


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My beloved's patron St. Seraphim of

SarovOne of my early discussions with Mary, at

the beginning of our relationship, was alengthy one on her patron saint, Saint

Seraphim of Sarov. He was a RussianOrthodox ascetic saint for whom she had

much admiration, and whose life story she

avidly propagated. She even gave his

biography as a gift to many of those wholoved her, including myself.

From the teachings of Saint Seraphim of Sarov about the aim

of a Christian lifeOne day, during his conversation with his pupil Nicholas Motovilov, Saint Seraphim said

the following concerning the Christian life: "Prayer, fasting, vigil, and all other Christianpractices, however good they may be in themselves, do not constitute the aim of our

Christian life, although they serve as the indispensable means of reaching this end. The

true aim of our Christian life consists in the [increasing] acquisition of the Holy Spirit ofGod. As for fasts, and vigils, and prayer, and almsgiving, and every good deed done for

Christ's sake, they are only means of acquiring the Holy Spirit of God."

Continuing my discussion.....those who were of Mary's inner circle, know very well thatshe followed Saint Seraphim's principle, in order to differentiate between God as an end,

and service as a means to achieve her goal in Christ. She never looked for theories or

philosophies in whatever she read - she even sometimes forgot the authors' names andwhen a particular publication was written. However, she was very good at extracting

small lessons that could be applied and shared with others. That was an attribute which

everyone knew about her - whether in service, or at university, or elsewhere.

Other quotations from Saint Seraphim+ Of course, every good deed done for Christ's sake gives us the grace of the Holy

Spirit, but prayer gives most of all, for it is always at hand, so to speak, as an instrument

for acquiring the grace of the Spirit. For instance, you would like to go to Church, butthere is no Church or the Service is over; you would like to give alms to a beggar, but

there isn't one, or you have nothing to give; you would like to preserve your virginity, but

you have not the strength to do so because of your temperament, or because of theviolence of the wiles of the enemy which on account of your human weakness you cannot


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withstand; you would like to do some other good deed for Christ's sake, but either you

have not the strength or the opportunity is lacking. This certainly does not apply to

prayer. Prayer is always possible for everyone, rich and poor, noble and humble, strong

and weak, healthy and sick, righteous and sinful.

+ As for care of the soul, a person in his body is like a lighted candle. The candlemust burn out, and a person must die. But as our soul is immortal, so our cares should bedirected more toward the soul than the body, for which, as is known, nothing in the world

can serve as ransom? "For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and

lose his own soul? Or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? (Mt. 16:26)"If thesoul alone is worth more than the entire world and the worldly kingdom, then the

Kingdom of Heaven is incomparably more precious. We consider the soul as most

precious for the reason stated by Macarius the Great, which God did not desire to bond

and unite His spiritual essence with any visible creation except man, whom He lovesmore than any of His creations.

My dear reader...Before concluding, I beg you not to read these words to sympathize with me; rather, I ask

you to lovingly pray for the salvation of all our souls, and to kindly entreat God to heal uscompletely from all our pain and relieve our ailing hearts.

More than enough for me...Some may think, naively, that I am driven to write by my profound faith and by the

excessive condolences I received; but believe me, dear friends, that I feel as though I

were in a dream - God only knows the painful psychological stages I passed through as I

authored these words. During that period, I decided more than once to discontinue mywriting. I felt that it was unfair to lose my most precious acquisition, then turn and

painfully write about her to comfort others! How could I do this?! "Is my strength the

strength of stones? Or is my flesh bronze?"(Job 6:12)

But now that I am writing my concluding remarks about my beloved, I ask myself in

amazement: How did I manage to write all this? What kind of strength enabled me to

write about her in past tense? How will I spend my days without her? How will I dealwith my new situation? I believe I will toil until the day of my calling. I have remained

silent and watched the hand of the Lord, as it slowly interfered to shape, modify, likely

cancel, and build projects in my life, which I had never contemplated before. I wondered,

asked, and complained and, finding no answer, returned to my silence to hear Himwhisper; He made no promises and put forward no plans, rather, He said with a sigh: "I

was with her and I will be with you." and this is more than enough for me...


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Sweetheart...

I will not use words to bid you farewell, and I will not tell you that your being in

heaven comforts me. Rather, my comfort will be complete when we meet in ourBeloved.

Reach out to me from heaven

I will remember you for as long as I live

"I will betroth you to me forever..." (Hosea 2:19)

Pray for me....my beauty......my love.....my angel

Makram


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My love, tell me Do you truly

feel me? Do you see me from there?

Do you hear me when I call you?! Are

you listening when they ask me about

you and your beauty? Dontyou miss

when I speak about you? When I

reminisce on our memories together,

are you recalling them too? They tell

me that youve become my angel is it true? Supposing you are...

When Im walking, are you walking in front of me? Or behind

me? My love, I have my guardian angel that protects me wherever

I go, I just want you beside me! Thats what Im used to. Do you

watch me while I sleep? How come I wake up every morning

panicking because I cant find you! My love, I like the thought of

you being my angel but I cant believe it. And even if people are

right, that still doesnt comfort me! I cant see angels and I cant

speak to them! So whats the point? Didnt I tell you before that

youre my angel?! Did I not write it to you in daily messages? Did

I not hum it? Did I not compose it in poems? Did I not sing it in

the sacredness of love? Why cant you be my angel in our old

way? Sweetheart, I still love you the same love do you? What

kind of love do you have for me? For I still long to speak to you!

Do you not feel the same? Did heaven make you stop missing me?

What if life leads me to move on? Wont you get upset? What if I

get used to you being away will you forgive me with your

heavenly nature? But you shouldnt! It should be a sin to forgive

in moments like this! As far as I know, you don't commit sins in

heaven?!!

Wont you answer me? Wont you talk to me? Please, darling, takeme in your arms, and whisper in my ears that you hear me.

That you love me; for as long as Ill need to hear it even if I live

my whole life asking the one I truly loved, with what kind of

love do you love me?


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Heaven is Not So Far

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