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Helping Families Have Hard Conversations
March 16. 2016@docgresh
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Taboo Topics
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Taboo Topics
• Sex
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Taboo Topics
• Sex• Bodily functions
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Taboo Topics
• Sex• Bodily functions• Mental illness
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Taboo Topics
• Sex• Bodily functions• Mental illness• Social isolation
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Taboo Topics
• Sex• Bodily functions• Mental illness• Social isolation• Death
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Taboo Topics
• Sex• Bodily functions• Mental illness• Social isolation• Death• Money
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
What have the effects of conversational taboos been
on you?
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Conversational taboos
• Reduce conflict, anxiety, embarrassment and emotionality
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Conversational taboos
• Reduce conflict, anxiety, embarrassment and emotionality
• Lack of practice needed for skill development
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Conversational taboos
• Reduce conflict, anxiety, embarrassment and emotionality
• Lack of practice needed for skill development
• Planning for predicable events is avoided
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
• Lack of training
Effects of conversational taboos on professionals
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
• Lack of training• Clients enter into our
practices in crisis and conflict
Effects of conversational taboos on professionals
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
• Lack of training• Clients enter into our
practices in crisis and conflict
• Professionals have not worked through their own issues
Effects of conversational taboos on professionals
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Elders
• Retirement issues
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Elders
• Retirement issues• Financial capacity/financial resource
issues
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Elders
• Retirement issues• Financial capacity/financial resource
issues• Preparation for role reversals
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Elders
• Retirement issues• Financial capacity/financial resource
issues• Preparation for role reversals• Illness/Disability/Death
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Elders
• Retirement issues• Financial capacity/financial resource
issues• Preparation for role reversals• Illness/Disability/Death• Estate and inheritance issues
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Process• Learning how to step out of an
interaction and comment on what is happening
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Process• Learning how to step out of an
interaction and comment on what is happening
• A learned skill
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Process• Learning how to step out of an
interaction and comment on what is happening
• A learned skill• Reduces conflict and gives a
framework for the interaction
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Process• Learning how to step out of an
interaction and comment on what is happening
• A learned skill• Reduces conflict and gives a
framework for the interaction• BEGIN HERE
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Process characteristics
Transparent vs PrivateHierarchical vs DemocraticCommunicated vs AssumedInclusive vs ExclusiveConsensual vs LegalOpen vs Constricted
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
• Begin with process comments
Hard Conversations
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
• Begin with process comments
• What, Who, When, Where, How
Hard Conversations
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
• Begin with process comments
• What, Who, When, Where, How
• Make requests
Hard Conversations
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
• Begin with process comments
• What, Who, When, Where, How
• Make requests• Collaborate on the
guidelines
Hard Conversations
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
• Begin with process comments
• What, Who, When, Where, How
• Make requests• Collaborate on the
guidelines• Notes, time limits, keeping
guidelines, next steps
Hard Conversations
Hard Conversations
• Prepare for emotionality
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Hard Conversations
• Prepare for emotionality • Prepare for conflict
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Hard Conversations
• Prepare for emotionality • Prepare for conflict• Practice/Role Play
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Hard Conversations
• Prepare for emotionality • Prepare for conflict• Practice/Role Play• An Experiment
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Hard Conversations
• Prepare for emotionality • Prepare for conflict• Practice/Role Play• An Experiment• Use the following skills
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Active Listening
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Reframing
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Core Concerns underlying Emotions
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Affiliation
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Autonomy
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Status
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Role
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Model of families under financial stress
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Affluent families• Pressure for achievement,
excellence, perfection, image• Lack of emotional closeness to busy
parents• Materialistic values• Lack of intrinsic motivation, family
chores and roles• Substance abuse rates
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
• Agreement to meet• Guidelines• Non-threatening topics• Fun included
How to get started?
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Generational Profiles
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Family History
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Values conversations• Safe, non-judgmental, structured
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Values conversations• Safe, non-judgmental, structured
• Differences acknowledged and integrated
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Values conversations• Safe, non-judgmental, structured
• Differences acknowledged and integrated
• Related to age, gender, culture, behavior
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
The United States• Unusually high on Achievement• Unusually low on Universalism
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
The United States• Unusually high on Achievement• Unusually low on Universalism• Higher ratings on Stimulation,
Hedonism, Self-direction
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
The United States• Unusually high on Achievement• Unusually low on Universalism• Higher ratings on Stimulation,
Hedonism, Self-direction• Lower on Tradition, Conformity,
Security
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Benefits of Identifying Values
• Non-judgmental way to approach differences
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Benefits of Identifying Values
• Non-judgmental way to approach differences
• Guides decision-making
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Benefits of Identifying Values
• Non-judgmental way to approach differences
• Guides decision-making• Clarifies differences by generation,
age, gender, family, culture, country
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Benefits of Identifying Values
• Non-judgmental way to approach differences
• Guides decision-making• Clarifies differences by generation,
age, gender, family, culture, country• Non-threatening way to discuss
discrepancy between beliefs and behaviors
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Challenges
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology
Mary Gresham, Ph.D. Atlanta Financial Psychology