How To Be A Modern Goddess transcript - Home - Dr. Ali...

Dr Alex Benzer's Tao of Dating -- www.taoofdating.com

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The Smart Woman’s Guide to Embracing Your Inner

Goddess and Finding the Fulfillment You Deserve

HOW TO BE A MODERN GODDESS TELESEMINAR TRANSCRIPT

Alex Benzer, M.D., M.Phil. www.taoofdating.com/women


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About Dr Alex

Dr Alex holds an undergraduate degree from Harvard, an M.D. from the University of California, and an M.Phil. in Enterprise from Cambridge University. He is a Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and NLP Master Practitioner. He has consulted for Fortune 100 companies and maintains a hypnotherapy and personal coaching practice in Los Angeles, California. He is committed to helping you become the best possible version of you and knows what guys think.


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TELESEMINAR TRANSCRIPT

Welcome to the teleseminar “How To Be A Modern Goddess” in which we’ll

discuss five simple principles for the smart, educated woman to have a more fulfilling

dating life and a generally more fulfilling life far beyond just dating.

I’m Dr. Alex Benzer, the author of the upcoming book The Tao of Dating: The Smart

Woman's Guide to Embracing Your Inner Goddess and Finding the Fulfillment You Deserve. If

you’d like to be one of the very first people to find out about the release of the book, I

invite you to go to www.taoofdating.com/women where you can register your email

address so you won’t miss a thing.

To start, I have a little confession to make.

I am a man.

I know it comes as a surprise to most of you, but there you go. It’s out now. But

really, I do have a confession to make and it’s that, as a guy, I feel a little awkward being

the one telling women about how to be a modern goddess or about writing this whole

Tao of Dating for Women book in the first place.

Because all along the time when I was writing this book I was thinking there’s

three billion women out there who are probably better qualified to do this. I remember

writing the book for men. It took me about 3-3 1/2 months. So I thought, “Well, you

know, the book for women should take about the same amount of time. Right? This’ll be

a snap.”

Well, I was wrong -- and that’s why this book took 2 1/2 years longer than I

thought it would, because I had to spend a lot of time thinking about these things. Not

having ever been a woman, trying to get into the feminine mindset was a challenge for

me. And I hope to have come up with some ideas that you guys can find useful after

three years of writing this book.

So I have a final story to share for you guys and it’s completely true. Just over 2

1/2 decades ago, I had my very first crush. This was in the second grade and her name

was Leila and she was unbelievably cute and I was smitten, I was lost, I thought about


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her all the time, as much as a 7-year can be in love in with another 7-year old, I was in

love.

I tried to do nice little things for her, silly little things, let her cut in line in front

of me in the lunch line, and trying to hover around her, having her play with me and stuff

like that. Yet, she remained aloof. I figured maybe she wasn’t that much into me.

But I was not about to be deterred so I invited her to my 8th birthday party and,

okay, you figure I’m 7 years old, right, so the 8th birthday party is the highlight of my

brief life up to that point.

I’d had some pretty amazing birthday parties up to then, so how could anybody

refuse, right?

Well, I went up to her and asked her. I said, “Hey, Leila, want to come to my

birthday party?” And she said, “No.” That was that. Right there she crushed my little 7-

year old heart.

It turns out that that was the year that I got skipped to the third grade right in the

middle of the school year and so she wasn’t in my class anymore and I never saw her

again.

Just as an aside, all through adolescence and really up to my early 20s, I had a

pretty rough time with women and just understanding them and relating to them. They

were these mysterious, forbidding, all-powerful, beautiful, unapproachable creatures and

the more beautiful they were, of course, the more all that was true and the more difficult

it was for me to connect with them.

I didn’t have my first kiss until the age of 19. I only tell you this because of what

happened last week. This is totally true.

I don’t know how many of you use Facebook -- interesting little gizmo that -- and

I got a message from a certain Leila. I looked at the picture, and she’s got that little mole

on the left lip and I’m like, ooomigod. And the message said, “Are you the same Alex

from second grade?” I’m like, holy cow, it was her. And she was a doc out in New York

city and, wow, she’d found me. Pretty interesting.


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We struck up a correspondence and of course I had to ask her, way back when, in

the second grade when I asked her to come to my birthday party, did she turn me down

because she didn’t like me or was there some other reason, like she was shy or maybe her

parents didn’t let her, or something like that.

Her response to me almost broke my heart. “Well, I always liked you, Alex, but I

was 8 and I had no idea what to do. Besides you were so intimidating.”

Intimidating. I was 8 years old. How is an 8-year old intimidating? But, that’s

where it’s at. I didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry, but at that moment, at that

moment in the second grade, when I asked her to come to my birthday party, Leila had

the power to crown me or to crush my little heart.

The thing is she didn’t feel like she had the power either. As a result she

inadvertently chose to crush me. Even though she really didn’t want to do that.

Is it possible that things may have out differently for me if she had chosen

differently? I don’t know. But one thing I know for sure is that probably a little more joy

would have been added to the store houses of the world had things turned out a little

differently.

I told the story to make a point which is that the power of the Goddess is right

here and right now. You have it. At that point, Leila was 8 years old, she didn’t think she

had it. But you can spend your whole life and go through it and not think that you have

that power and you’ve got it all along.

I’m going to quote from Marianne Williamson’s great book. It’s called A

Woman’s Worth. I encourage all of you to go get your own copy. I’m going to have a

bunch of quotes from that book during this teleseminar. This is from page 26. She says,

“That’s all that separates the queens from the slave girls -- a shift in consciousness from

denial to acceptance of personal power.”

There’s a reason why I sign all my emails, “The power is within you,” because

that’s the only place the power is.


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I know what you might be thinking now. You may be thinking, “Well, I’m not

pretty enough. It’s the pretty ones who have all the power or the slim ones who have all

the power.” Something like that.

Or maybe you are pretty and you’re thinking, “Well, I’m pretty but there’s always

somebody younger, more beautiful who has like smoother skin and maybe perkier boobs

or something like that.” Or you’re thinking, “Well, I’m 25. I’m already over the hill. All

those 19-year olds and 21-year olds. Those are the who are going to get all the attention.

Those are the ones with the power.”

Yet, when you talk to the 19- and 21-year olds, they’re saying, “Oh, it’s the older

women who have the power because they have more experience and knowledge.”

Hmmm. Who’s right? I’m not quite sure.

Or maybe you’re thinking, “I’m too young and inexperienced.” Or maybe you’re

thinking, “Well, I’m too old.” Or you’re thinking, “I’m not smart enough or I’m too

smart.” Whatever it is, let’s talk about the age thing because that’s a really funny one.

At what age are we okay? Because when we’re kids we’re trying to grow up. We

want to be grownups so we can reach the higher shelves and steal the cookies when

nobody’s looking. You want to be able to wash yourself, dress yourself, go to PG-13

movies, later on to R movies -- big milestone.

You want to be able to move away from home, go to college. Once you’re in

college get the hell out of college, go to grad school, get out of school, get a real job, buy a

house, all these things … and then, we’re like, oh, no, I’m old. I’m burdened with

responsibility. I wish I were a kid again.

But then when you were a kid, you didn’t want to be a kid. So when are you okay?

What I want to remind you is that you need to get out of that loop and get into the

now. You are okay now. There’s no time when it’s not now, so just choose to be okay

now.

Eternity is a stringing together of all these little moments called “now.”


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So we come to the first principle, the first of the first five principles of how to be a

modern Goddess.

The Goddess exists now and only now. Get rid of all excuses. You are what

you’ve been waiting for. Claim the power and be it.

That’s principle #1.

Let me clarify this whole notion of the Goddess. I’ve gotten some feedback from

my readers and some of my friends who read the book for me. They said, it sounds

quasi-religious. It’s got the word God in it. What’s up with that?

For your information I want you to know that the word Goddess means whatever

you choose it to mean. Let’s first start with what the Goddess is not. This is also a quote

from A Woman’s Worth by Marianne Williamson.

“We think of ourselves as flesh and bone, resumes and relationships,

clothes and cosmetics. The truth of who we are, why we’re here and

where we’re going is far more spectacular than any of these worldly

things indicate. We are God’s precious vessels and we are always

pregnant with his possibilities.”

Think about that. Let that sink in.

In the first teleseminar, we talked about breaking out, the definitions and images

that mass media have created for you. You’ve got magazines, TV, fashion industry. And

that stuff is not you. And it’s not you because it’s devoid of personal connection and

personal meaning.

Here’s another little passage from Marianne:

“Our insecurity is inevitable in the absence of personal meaning.

Without a sense of connection to deeper, more noble ideas, we are doomed to a

desperate struggle for things that fill us up. The job, the relationship, the looks,

the body. We are tyrannized by a belief that we are inadequate.”

As I’m reading this it occurs that when she’s saying “we” she’s referring to the

women of the world. But if you think about there’s no reason why what she’s saying


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doesn’t apply to every person in the world. People are people. In the meantime, humor

me while I say “we” and it’s supposed to address women.

Now, basically, stuff that’s devoid of meaning does not make you the Goddess.

Looks, the clothes, the consumption -- that’s not it. The thing that is it, the one thing

that gives life true meaning is one word. Service. And there’s another word for that

which is love. Love tends to be kind of fuzzy. There’s many, many things that stand in

for love. Service seems to be a little more clear cut.

So that brings us to the second principle of how to be a modern Goddess.

The Goddess is service. Service is at once the exercise of her power and the

flourishing of it. The more of it you do, the more you grow into your Goddess power.

Does that make sense?

Let me give you examples of Goddesses. You’ve got for example Florence

Nightingale, you’ve got Marie Curie, you’ve got Oprah Winfrey, all these women did great

things or are still doing great things.

Did we say that they’re perfect human beings? Hmmm. Not really. In fact that’s

a definition of being a human being. You’re imperfect.

To be a Goddess you’re not doing all things for all people so these people they

have their foibles. Marie Curie overworked herself and compromised her health that

way. Oprah Winfrey talks about her food issues all the time.

But what these women did do was that they gave their gift fully.

And this brings us to the third principle which is that the Goddess serves by

giving her gift. Therefore, she’s a specialist. Whatever gift you have as long as it’s

infused with love, that is the gift of the Goddess.

Let’s think about these archetypes of the Goddess in other cultures. The whole

idea of the Goddess has existed since the beginning of time. You have Athena, the

Goddess of Wisdom. You have Diana or Artemis, the Goddess of the Hunt. You have

Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love and Beauty. You have Inanna, The Babylonian Goddess

of Abundance and Fertility. You have Quan Yin, the Goddess of Compassion from

Taoist, and Chinese Buddhist tradition.


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All of them have particular attributes in addition to the general attribute of being

compassionate and loving. Wisdom, hunt, love, fertility -- and at the same time they do

certain things exceptionally well.

The compassion, service and love part are never optional. That’s always a part of

the Goddess and then there’s other stuff that you can do and be really, really good at. So

just pick a couple of things that you’re already good at and be exceptionally good at them.

That’s what the goddess is. You need not be all things to all people and it’s really not

possible to be all things to all people. [Addendum from Dr Alex: And if you work on your

weaknesses, you’ll end up at best with strengthened weaknesses. So work on your

strengths until you’re world-class in those departments.]

Which brings us to Marianne again. I love this woman. This is what she says.

“Things will change when every woman gets it

that we are all beautiful, powerful and strong. That we

deserve love and approval and support. That we would

all be glorious if we could only spread our wings, that we

are each one of us a portion of the great and mighty

goddess self. What a light will arise from behind the

mountains of the morning of our remembrance. What a

sun will shine through the fog of tears when we embrace

our true selves at last.”

So why don’t we do a little exercise? The Tao of Dating has these exercises in

there, and the point is that you’ve read a lot of books up to this point and we only

remember so much of what we read in books. About a week later approximately 70% of

it is gone, and an even smaller percentage of that gets incorporated into our behavior.

Now if the purpose of The Tao of Dating is to change your life fundamentally, is

to actually effect change in your behavior, then you need to do stuff, you need to start

doing things differently and to have that at the forefront of your imagination at all times.

The way we do that is through exercises. So here’s a little exercise.

This is Exercise 4 straight out of the book The Tao Of Dating. It’s called

“Embodying The Goddess.” If you have a pen and paper handy, get that now so you can

actually participate in the exercise.


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What does the word Goddess mean to you? Take a few minutes to write down

what comes to your mind as you complete this sentence. To be the Goddess is to be the

embodiment of _________. Fill in the blank as you see fit. Here are some ideas to get

you started.

Wisdom, beauty, grace, joy, sensuality, nurturance, passion, kindness,

forgiveness, strength, radiance.

Go ahead and compile that list. Take a minute or two to really think about that.

If you don’t have paper handy, just think about it. Just make a mental list. Come up

with at least three different qualities. Ideally, five or more.

As you think about that list and compile these characteristics and think about

what in your mind constitutes a Goddess, now that you have your list, take a moment to

imagine what it would be like if you were to embody those characteristics now. What

would you look like, how would you move differently, what would it feel like in your

body?

Imagine a few situations you were in this week perhaps and notice how you

would handle them differently if you were embodying the Goddess. What would you

say? How would you act? Imagine some scenarios in the future even. At home, at work

or in a social setting. What do you notice about yourself? Really take the time to

imagine that image. See what it looks like and most important, feel what it feels like to

embody that Goddess in the way that you imagined it.

As you do that, my question to you is this. Did you feel it? How good did it feel?

Did you feel empowered? And if so, what’s holding you back from doing this all the

time?

That’s a rhetorical question because the answer is there is no physical obstacle

between you and this feeling. It’s just a matter of habit. There’s been a habit of feeling a

different way up to now and you have every latitude, you have all the permission in the

world, you have every right to feel this way henceforth if you want to.

There’s nothing holding you back. That’s the whole principle of getting out of

your own way. Perhaps it’s time to consider getting out of the way of your own

fulfillment if that’s what the impediment has been.


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I’m going to open up the lines now. If you have any questions. Any questions.

Caller: Could you repeat the first principle? I found you on Twitter that I missed

the first one and got the 2nd and 3rd written down.

Dr. A.: I love the fact that you’re using Twitter. Thank you so much. You guys

should all follow me on Twitter, and also the blog. The blog is up, too.

That’s at www.taoofdating.com. If you like the articles, what would really

help is to hit those little “Share this” things on social bookmarking sites.

That way other people can benefit from them as well.

The first principle is: The Goddess exists now and only now. So get rid of

all the excuses. You are what you’ve been waiting for. Claim the power

and be it right now.

This brings us to Principle #4. That principle is this: The Goddess leads with

love. She does not wait for the world to arrange its circumstances perfectly so the

conditions are just right for your gift. Give it already. Because the gift, its job is to be

given.

Because this is not commerce that we’re talking about. This is not quid pro quo.

This is you as a star, as a sun. The sun’s always shining because that’s what it does and

so your heart is open all the time. This doesn’t mean you have to start dating the next

guy who comes around the corner or every single guy out there.

Because the Goddess also has the responsibility to find the man who catalyzes her

greatness, her ability to give her greatest gift so for that intimate bonding

companionship, yes, you will be selective.

However, in the meantime, the doing is its own reward. The more you do it, the

better you get at it so practice opening up your heart and you can do it right now. In fact,

let’s do a quick little exercise. If you have a niece, nephew, or a child even. Just imagine

that niece or nephew, an adorable kid, and here she’s just running up to you with a

flower and gives it to and says, “Here. This is for you.”

And you go, “Ahhhh. That’s so sweet.” And you see the smile on his or her face

and just notice that feeling, notice that sensation of being fully present and being fully


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open because this kid cannot possibly harm you and all you have for this kid is love and

openness. And readiness to embrace.

So how ready do you feel to embrace that child and how good does that feel? And

notice that that took about 45 seconds to do right now in real time and you have that

available to you all the time. And if that feels good and it feels better than closing in on

yourself and hiding your light, then why not be this way instead?

There’s no compelling reason to hid your light under a bushel. It absolutely

makes no sense and yet we seem to be doing it all the time.

The key thing is that you have to practice the giving to get better at it. Maybe

you’re waiting for Mr. Right or Mr. Perfect or something along those lines, if you’ve been

practicing closing for the past decade because you’re protecting yourself, you don’t want

to be hurt by the wrong guy. Well, the right guy comes along and what does he see? He

sees armor. He sees you closed. He does not see light.

Because you’re just not ready. All this time you’ve been practicing not being

ready. It’s like if you have a beautiful set of silver cutlery. If you let silver sit around for

too long, it’s gets all tarnished and dark. It becomes dull. It loses its shine. It loses its

brilliance.

Or even though deep down inside, or not even deep down inside, just below the

surface, you are brilliant, shiny and beautiful.

If you’re not practicing the opening, if you’re not burnishing yourself all the time,

then when Mr. Right comes along he’s not going to find out. He’s not going to know.

He’s not going to notice.

You live when you give. When you hold back, you’re basically dying slowly. So

practice the giving, practice being the openness.

That brings us to the fifth principle. The Goddess embodies both feminine and

masculine energy, but she majors in feminine and minors in masculine. That wording is

straight out of Marianne’s book so thank you for that phrasing, Marianne. But the idea is

pretty simple.


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When I talk to professional women, women who are very accomplished, very

smart and I ask them: what do you think is the most appealing quality to a man? An

overwhelming majority of them say strength -- a woman’s who’s strong.

Yes, strength is very appealing. However, I want to bring to your attention that

strength is kind of a masculine quality. The whole idea of being strong and powerful --

and even though I find it tremendously attractive when a woman is so powerful and

manages things and gets stuff happening and all that, still that’s masculine energy

competing with masculine energy in an intimate relationship.

So if you’re bringing that energy into your intimate relationship, then you’re

going to have a loss of polarity. You’re going to have a clash of energies. We guys like

you because you’re women. We love that about you. It’s a fantastic thing.

Strength is great. Sure, those masculine qualities are fantastic and the Goddess

embodies both of them. If you think about all those Goddesses I mentioned. Diana.

She’s the Goddess of the Hunt. At the same time, though, she’s beautiful and wise.

But most guys, most straight guys at least, are not looking for a facsimile of a guy

in a female companion. To give you an analogy: A woman who’s taken on too much

masculine energy is about as attractive to a man as a man who has taken on too much

feminine energy is attractive to a woman. That’s the kind of thing to keep in mind.

Nurture that feminine energy. Own it and bring it up, and work it. No guy can

resist that. I promise you. We talk about guys which reminds me that this whole thing is

about dating. It’s not just about abstract concepts. We’re talking about the real world

here. So I want to bring all of this back to planet earth. So you can apply it to your life

and actually have a more fulfilling dating life and beyond.

This is the principle. I’m going to say it twice because when I first heard this it

just really resonated with me. And perhaps it will with you as well. This is how a man

operates.

A man will steadily fall in love more and more with a woman who steadily helps

him become more and more the man he has always wanted to be. Let that sink in for a

second. I’m going to repeat that. A man will steadily fall in love more and more with a


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woman who steadily helps him become more and more the man he has always wanted to

be.

Let’s go back to Leila and how she couldn’t say yes to my birthday party because

she didn’t feel like she had power. And the principle is this. In order to give power, in

order to be the kind of woman who elevates men, who makes them feel like they’re 50

feet tall and they can conquer the world, you have to possess power.

I teach guys, I’ve been teaching guys for the past three years and I know that most

people don’t think they have that kind of power. You have all these men and they’re

accomplished, they’re smart, they’re well-to-do. They have everything going for them.

they’re handsome and yet some of them can go an entire year if not an entire lifetime

never being able to give a woman a compliment.

Why? Because they don’t feel like they’re qualified. They’re afraid. It’s the most

bizarre thing if you think about it. How are you afraid of giving a compliment? You’re

giving a gift. But that’s exactly what’s happening.

It’s kind of sad because to you, the woman looking at him, of course he has the

power. But deep down in inside, he doesn’t feel like he’s qualified.

So I want you to grasp your power. Go back to Principle #1. The time is now.

You are what you’ve been waiting for. You have the power. Claim it. You have it.

How do you bring out the best in the man? Well, there’s this principle that you

may have heard of before. It’s called energy goes where attention flows. Sounds a little

new agey but I found that it’s actually tremendously practical. It totally works. And it

goes something like this: whatever you give your attention to will grow in another

person.

Simple example. Walk down the street—you can try this—see a total stranger and

you say, “Gosh, why do you have to be such a jerk?” Or even say that to a friend,

someone that you know. What reaction are you likely to get? They’re probably going to

snap back at you and say something along the lines of, “What the hell’s wrong with you?

You’re a jerk, too.” They’ll respond in kind. Because you have given attention to that

aggressive, jerky part of them and so you brought that out.


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Let’s try the second experiment. You can go to that same person and say, “Gosh,

you know, you are such a sweetheart.” You don’t even have to have a reason to say it.

You just say it. And say it with that energy. Really sincerely say, “Gosh, you’re such a

sweetheart.” What’s that going to bring you? They’re going to say, “Oh, wow, well,

you’re very sweet, too. That’s very nice of you to say.” You’re bringing out the softness,

compassion and love in that person, as opposed to the ‘screw you, too’.

If you’ve seen the yin yang symbol which is technically the Taijitu, you’ve got the

black and the white with a little dot black in the white and the little dot of white in the

black. And the white’s supposed to represent the masculine, the black is supposed to

represent the feminine.

It’s not just about masculine and feminine. It’s also about light and shadow. It’s

also about our light side and our shadow side and every one of us has that shadow side

within us. As well as the lights. It’s just a matter of which you choose to nurture and I

would say you should choose to shine your light on those parts of the man that you’d like

to see more of.

Say, nobility, strength, generosity, consideration, creativity, kindness, chivalry,

whatever it is that you want, shine your light on that part of him and you do that by

leading, the Goddess leads, she doesn’t wait. She says, “Wow, I love the fact that you’re

so strong.” The guy’s like, “Really? I am?” And he will grow into that strength.

“Oh, I love the fact that you’re so romantic. You did this and that, the other.”

“Really, I’m romantic?”

And you know what, you can take a guy who’s not all that romantic and he will

become that because it’s through shining your light of the Goddess and putting that

energy there, that attention there, you will create the energy in that man.

I want to give you examples of misdirected attention and how that can be

detrimental and then I’m going to give you the mirror images of those misdirected ways

of attention so you have examples for what to do. I like to give examples of the behavior

you want to do, but at the same time it’s very good to be aware of the stuff that you may

have been doing in the past that sabotaged your own success and fulfillment.


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Straight out of the book, we have five kinds of emasculating behavior. When you

do these things, you lessen the kind of warrior power of your man and you diminish him

and you’re misdirecting your attention and nurturing the wrong kind of energy.

The first kind is what I call overly solicitous attention. When you’re giving a man

this kind of attention, you’re encouraging the boy in him to grow and you’re denying his

mature masculine. This is mothering. And I always say mothering is smothering. And

that overwhelming solicitude -- you should reserve for children under the age of 12, not a

man whom you expect to be your counterpart and companion.

Second is jealous attention. So when you question a man about his associations,

you’re questioning his warrior spirit and his devotion to you. Jealousy always has the

opposite effect from what it’s trying to accomplish. It actually drives him away from you.

No. 3 is critical attention. Playfully teasing and challenging a man is great when

done in moderation. That’s called being feisty, being fun. Cutting him down is never

right. When you cut him, when you lop off his balls effectively, metaphorically, then

you’re left with a guy who’s neutered and that’s not what you’re looking for.

Competing. Competition is a very masculine thing to do so when you choose to

compete with your man, you’re risking destruction of the masculine/feminine balance

again. That polarity can be lost.

It has to be restored somehow and you either do that by the guy becoming

tougher and more masculine. And if he wins, you’ll feel put down; and if you win, he’ll

always feels he’s emasculated and you’re going to feel he’s kind of a wimp because you

beat him.

So both of those are non-winning scenarios. Nobody wins in those situations. So

competing -- proceed with caution if you’re going to do that. The safe path is to avoid

competing with him entirely. In the spirit of play and fun, always a good thing. But

seriously competing on an intellectual plane, career plane, anything like that, is poison to

any relationship.

Correcting, that’s #5. That’s a lot like the whole critical attention thing. If you’re

going to do that, first of all, you should leave it for after you’ve started dating seriously,

so if you’re already like girlfriend/boyfriend, serious. And even then, there are better


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and worse ways of doing it which are beyond the scope of discussion right now. I talk

about it a little bit more in the final chapter of the Tao Of Dating, chapter 12, right before

the conclusion.

The idea is correcting is all about you being right -- and at any point you have the

choice of either being right or being loved, being right or being cherished. So if being

right is more important than being loved, by all means, proceed and correct people.

If being right is more important than being cherished, then go ahead, correct

people but if perhaps you prefer to be cherished and loved, then you may want to take

that path instead.

I’m going to give you now the five suggestions for being the kind of woman that

men absolutely adore. The kind of woman who helps a guy grow into greatness and after

that I’ll open it up for questions.

First mirror image is give him his freedom. Freedom is a guy’s most treasured

possession. Every time I do a seminar, we do a little values solicitation. And the more

you ask a certain question the deeper values you get. When you get to the bottom,

bottom value, the one that’s at the root of everything else for a guy, it’s 100% of the time

been freedom. It’s all about being free.

So the more freedom you give him, the more he’ll respect you and paradoxically

the more he’ll want to run back right to you. The more he’ll be around you because

you’re the thing that’s giving him more of life. To a man, freedom is life.

Even if you’re crazy about a guy, I would say resist the temptation to spend every

waking moment with him, resist the temptation to rein him in, resist the temptation to

put fences around him.

I’m not saying encourage him to go gallivanting all the time, but rather don’t be

the one who fences him in.

When you do that, actually you’re also giving him the gift of missing you. He’ll

just want to spend time with you that much more. He’s going to think, “Wait a minute,

she doesn’t want to spend time … she’s just letting me go.” And he’ll want to stick

around. It takes a lot of discipline, especially when you really like a guy, but trust me.


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That’s huge. If you do that, amongst the women I’ve dated, the ones who’ve given that to

me are the ones that I couldn’t get enough of.

No. 2 is give him your faith, give him your trust. The idea is the more that you

trust a man, give him your faith, and allow him to take charge, the more he will grow in

his masculine, his divine masculine. If you’re the one who’s the agent of making him feel

50 feet tall, then he’s just going to want to be around you and nobody else. He’s going to

seek out your company more and more because nobody else is dong that.

Give him your bond. What do I mean by that? Have you heard of the expression,

behind every great man is a great woman. Yes? And guess what? This is your chance to

be that woman. When you consistently do as you say you’ll do a man will have deeper

and deeper trust in you. And this will make him feel as if he has somebody who really

has his back, and he’ll feel like he has a real partner, and he’s going to be bolder, bigger

and strong in everything that he does and guess who he’s going to come back to because

that’s the person who gives him that. You, you and you.

The whole point of these five is that these are available to you. Nobody’s stopping

you from doing this. Nobody’s stopping you from being a woman who is absolutely

irresistible to men.

So grasp that opportunity.

No. 4 is give him your praise. To you women, it may not seem like we guys are

kind of fragile on the inside. We all look tough and rough and buff, but the fact is, guys

are fragile on the inside. I’ve known this, being a man, for over three decades myself,

and I’ve come to know this even better after thousands of guys whom I’ve been speaking

to for the past three years have written me letters, have come to my seminars and have

shared their inner most thoughts and feelings.

Guys aren’t sure of what’s going on either. Basically scientists seem to think that

everything that guys do somehow relates back to impressing women anyway and that’s

why we have these outsized brains compared to all the other primates. You don’t need a

huge brain to survive. All these other animals are doing just fine surviving. Apparently,

we need this brain to build large monuments like the Taj Mahal, write symphonies and

launch wars. That’s what it’s good for.


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So he’s doing all these things in a way to impress you. To say, “Hey, look at me.”

And he’s looking for some kind of acknowledgment. He’s looking for some kind of

validation to make him feel as if all the paintings he painted, all the buildings he built,

the poetry he scribbled, the wealth he accumulated, he wants to know that all this has

been worthwhile. Otherwise why the heck did he do it?

So praise him for the little things. Praise him for the big things and for the

attention that he gives you for his small victories. And if you do that you’ll allow him to

grow into the kind of man who is capable of even bigger victories.

And of creating even bigger monuments to you. You can be that woman who

inspires the Taj Mahal. And when you do that, you can take credit for it. Because guess

what -- you were that great woman who was backing him up.

And finally the fifth one is give him your grace.

Now boys slip every once in a while or they do something naughty. We know

you’re smart. We know that you know. We know that you know when we slipped and

we’re expecting the punishment to come, we’re kind of bracing for it, cowering. And if

you can be the woman who doesn’t do that, if you can be the woman who instead of

closing up, instead of putting on the armor, instead of attacking, if you can be the woman

who opens her heart and offers the man redemption, oh man, he’ll be eternally grateful

for your giving him a second chance.

And as a result he will grow into a much bigger man because of your

demonstration of faith.

We’re not saying again that if this slipping thing is a regular business you should

tolerate it. No. Because in the end it’s about your fulfillment. Let your fulfillment be the

guide. However, some kind of slippage is inevitable. We are human. Human equals

imperfect. So, be that woman who has the grace and has the ability to give him that

grace.

So those are the five negative principles and then the five positive principles. I

call them the masculating principles. It’s not a real word, but it’s the opposite of

emasculating and it makes sense to me.


20

So let me open up the lines here.

Questions? I’m hoping to stir up some controversy here. seems like you guys agree with

most of this. Can some of you fake disagree so we can at least have a bit of

a discussion?

Melissa: I don’t think it’s that we’re trying to be too agreeable. It’s just that a lot of

the stuff you’re talking about, it’s very deep in our consciousness. There is

so much more between men and women and man unfortunately is very

put down in this society.

Look at all the commercials and the sitcoms and all sorts of other

examples where you see the man is being treated like he should be like a

dumb little man and he’s emasculating. I think unfortunately in this

society, men are not encouraged to be the masculine warrior and that’s

very sad.

Unfortunately, when a man doesn’t have that quality in him, both of them

are going to be unfulfilled.

Dr. A.: That’s correct. It’s a rare man who actually embodies those qualities

because as I said I was reading those passages from Marianne and she’s

written the book A Woman’s Worth for women, I presume. And yet

everything that she says is really true of people in general.

And men are also abdicating their power and so there is a version of the

book for men which talks about these same things. And that is true.

The thing you have to remember, though, as a woman is that you do have

the power to bring back that power in a guy who doesn’t recognize his

own power. So when you have a candle in your hand, you have the ability

to light other candles with it. So you are the lit candle.

After you’ve heard this you realize that your candle is lit. You are

projecting light. You have that power and you can be the one to share it.

Personally I prefer that you guys go and look for guys who have already

some of that in place who have a notion of this, who are already aware.


21

At the same time, it’s something that they can be introduced to and learn

and get better at so you can grow together.

Nancy: I have a comment about the fact that I think in this society women

nowadays are not encouraged to be feminine as much as they are to be

their own providers to be more masculine and I think it takes constant

choice to come out of your masculine side when you’ve been working all

day and get back into your feminine side. So I think it’s up to us to figure

out when we need to be feminine and when we need to be masculine and

make conscious choices.

Dr. A.: Right. That’s absolutely correct. Thank you for sharing. That’s the crux

of this whole Tao of Dating program which is that times have changed.

This whole abdication of the feminine power is something that just kind of

crept up on you and you didn’t even notice it. However, you do have the

choice to take it back consciously. So that’s why it became necessary to

write a book about it.

Because, I’m like, well, okay, why is this going on? And so once you’re

reminded of it and you know it, then you’re able to reclaim it. And you

can do that consciously.

The key thing is to practice and to keep on doing it because whatever

habit you’ve had up to now, you’ve been practicing that for the past

decade or two or three or four. So you want to establish a new habit. In

order to give it a fighting chance of establishing itself and actually

working, you want to practice it. It’s just like any other skill. So give it a

chance to grow in you.

Excellent. Any more questions. These are great questions. Great

comments. Love them all.

I’m going to switch back and finish the last little bit. So the last thing we talked

about was the five ways you can be an amazing woman and this seminar is in the end

about dating and the Tao of Dating is about dating, but I want you to pay attention to the

subtitle. The subtitle says “The Smart Woman’s Guide To Embracing Your Inner

Goddess And Finding The Fulfillment You Deserve.”


22

And in the beginning of this seminar I hinted at that already. The end point of all

of this is a little bit unexpected. It seems like it’s about dating; it’s about a guy. But

really it’s not about a guy. It’s about you. Because when you are embodying the

Goddess, when you engaging in service, when you are present in the now, even when

there’s no guy around, you are already going to feel fulfillment. You are already shining.

You are giving your gift and that’s kind of what life’s all about.

At the same time if you’re being the radiant Goddess and you’re the embodiment

of grace and sensuality and support and all these amazing things, I assure you you’ll be

left alone for about as long as a $100 bill is left alone on the sidewalk. Not very long at

all. Every guy is going to notice.

A guy would be icing on the cake. It’s a nice thing. But you already have the

cake. You are the cake. As I said at the beginning of this seminar, you are what you’ve

been waiting for. Let me quote this passage again from Marianne Williamson, A

Woman’s Worth, page 75.

“And when a woman remembers her glory, a man of goodwill can barely

contain his joy. His real self arises in the presence of her own. I’m

telling you it works. This thing. This looking within to attract what is

without. Make room for love and it always comes. Make a nest for love

and it always settles. Make a home for the beloved and he will find his

way there.”

That pretty much sums it up. The Tao Of Dating for women will be

released around Valentine’s Day and if you’re not already on the notification list,

I encourage you to go to www.taoofdating.com/women and register to get the

advance notification and some pretty cool, prelaunch bonuses.

The rest of the time that we have together is going to be for your

questions. I’m going to open up the lines again and if you have questions, please

pipe up.

Caller: The third one.

Dr. A.: Okay, I will give you the third thing to do. I’ll just go through the

five and that way you have them all and it makes sense.


23

The five that I mentioned:

1. Give him his freedom.

2. Give him your faith.

3. Give him your bond and by the idea of the bond it was just

be there for him and be reliable and show up when you say

you will, do as you say will. Be his true partner.

4. Give him your praise.

5. Give him your grace, your forgiveness.

Caller: My phone wasn’t working properly. Would you repeat the third

one again. I didn’t get to write it down.

Dr. A.: The third one was give him your bond. By bond, meaning give

him your partnership, your full presence, your support.

More questions about the Goddess. What I’d like to hear from

you, my listeners, is about times when you actually felt like you did

embody the Goddess and you did something that took you to that

spot. Because all of you have had that experience at some point

and a lot of women are still wondering how do I do this, what does

this mean in practical terms?

In the book I talk about some practical ways of doing that.

Meditation is really great. It brings you to that point where you

kind of get rid of the whole notion of duality, of you separate from

the world. And you feel like there’s something beyond this

personality, there’s something beyond these trappings, these

clothes and that really kind of brings you, grounds you into that

whole Goddess state.

Moving meditation like Yoga -- that’s also helpful. Engaging in

service regularly, that’s really helpful. Volunteering, that stuff, it

brings you to that whole energy of giving and practicing that.


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So what I’d like to hear from you are ways in which you have had

these experiences in the past because when I put that in a

newsletter, when I put it up on the blog then other women can see

that and really benefit from that and learn. That would be a big

favor for me if you could do that.

More questions on the teleseminar.

To bring you up-to-date on the book. The book is going to be

released around Valentine’s Day, just a few days before, so stay

posted and I will give you announcements.

Feel free to tell your friends about it so they can get on the advance

notification list.

Caller: Would you repeat the name of Marianne Williamson’s book again,

please.

Dr. A.: The book by Marianne Williamson is called A Woman’s Worth

and it’s pretty short, it’s got big print, you can get through it

mighty quick and it is powerful. I would say read that. Read that

over and over and over again. To me, Marianne Williamson is a

great example of embodying the modern Goddess. She’s a mom,

she’s an orator. She’s travelling all over the world. She gets stuff

done and at the same time, she knows about the power of the

feminine and she embodies that.

Also, look out there and figure out who embodies that Goddess

ideal for you. Modeling is a technique from hypnosis and Neuro

Linguistic Programming which is about looking at people you’d

like to emulate and then just following that.

You’re giving your brain a way to do something and you make it

easy for it to engage in new behavior. When you model somebody

it become a lot easier for you to embody a certain quality.


25

Think about that. Do that exercise. Do the embodying the

Goddess exercise. It’s Exercise 4 from the book. Think about the

people you’d like to emulate, and all that should help you move in

the direction of embodying a modern Goddess.

Thank you so much for your attention. My name is Dr. Alex Benzer and

this has been the How To Be A Modern Goddess Teleseminar. I look forward to

interacting with you on the blog and through the newsletter. And look out for the

release of the Tao For Dating For Women.

Thanks again, and have a great, great evening.

Did you enjoy this teleseminar? Great! Here’s where

you can sign up for more material like this, all free:

www.taoofdating.com/women

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