'How to Choose a Wife' from British Family Life, 1780–1914

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H. W. H., HOW TO CHOOSE A WIFE

H. W. H., How to Choose a Wife (London: Partridge, Oakley & Co., 1855).

Much has been written about domestic ideology, or ‘separate spheres’, since Leonore Davidoff and Catherine Hall published their seminal text Family For-tunes: Men and Women of the English Middle Class 1780–1850 (1987). As they pointed out, ‘separate spheres’ was an ideal and, while the idea that men inhab-ited the public domain of work and politics while women oversaw the private world of the home was sanctioned in many texts, the ideology was neither fi xed nor lived in a literal sense. In recent years, scholars have examined the fl exibility of the ideology, its underpinning, political and social purchase. Th e historian Ben Griffi n has recently examined the extent to which religion underpinned domestic ideology in the fi rst half of the nineteenth century. Christianity, he argues, was what unifi ed a notion of marital unity, that is, that husband and wife were one body, with political and legal hierarchies, such as the law of coverture that classifi ed wives as one with husbands but subject to their authority.1 Th e economic dependency of women on men and lack of legal rights for married women were clearly oppressive to women. Yet Karen Harvey2 and Joanne Bai-ley,3 working in the long eighteenth century, have argued that domestic ideology should be viewed more as guidance aimed at encouraging co-dependency within marriage. Th is potentially shift s our view of marriage as oppressive to take into account how couples made marriages work. For all the unhappy marital rela-tions, many couples appear to have formed lasting friendships. Jane Hamlett has developed the notion that ‘home’ represented a permeable space where the domestic could be a place of separation from the outside world but, equally, where the outside world was invited indoors: some men worked at home, while many men expected wives to entertain business associates and wanted wives with whom they could discuss their professional lives.4

As H. W. H. indicates, the social and cultural ideal that men’s primary func-tion in family life was to provide did not mean that men were remote from domestic life. Texts such as How to Choose a Wife were abundant and, like the New Guide to Matrimony, were intended to entertain as well as instruct. Under-neath the light touches of humour, however, there is no doubt that H. W. H. is

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78 British Family Life, 1780–1914: Volume 2

serious about the importance of choosing a wife carefully and the sacred status of marriage. Th e author persistently warns against the misery caused to hapless husbands by deceitful, vain, silly, greedy, selfi sh and shallow women who will pay little heed to the moral and spiritual tone of children’s education. If a man was fortunate enough to fi nd a plain but constant companion, H. W. H. outlined a range of discourses concerning routes to marital co-operation and co-depend-ency. H. W. H. assumes that husbands and fathers want to be at home in their non-working hours; the guidance is aimed at assisting the paterfamilias in ensur-ing that his time in the domestic sphere is comfortable and off ers him respite from his masculine responsibilities. Intrinsic to H. W. H.’s text is the belief that men thrive when they marry a good companion; their children fl ourish when they have a good mother. Th us, men’s successful fulfi lment of masculine obliga-tions depends partially on the assistance off ered by their spouse. Men who were single, widowed or had weak wives lacked intimate friendship and confi dence and, if they were fathers, missed the women’s emotive labour within the family. As H. W. H. notes, it was women’s role to manage the grief of family life. Mar-riage was a partnership with clearly defi ned roles and responsibilities that work best when performed for the mutual benefi t and happiness of both parties.

Notes1. B. Griffi n, Th e Politics of Gender in Victorian Britain: Masculinity, Political Culture, and

the Struggle for Women’s Rights (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2012). 2. K. Harvey, ‘Men Making Home: Masculinity and Domesticity in Eighteenth-Century

England’, Gender and History, 21:3 (2009), pp. 520–40.3. J. Bailey, Parenting in England, 1760–1830: Emotion, Identity, and Generation (Oxford:

Oxford University Press, 2012). 4. J. Hamlett, Material Relations: Domestic Interiors and Middle-Class Families in England,

1850–1910 (Manchester: Manchester University Press, 2010).

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H. W. H., How to Choose a Wife (London: Partridge, Oakley & Co., 1855).

And now, young gentlemen, to the point if you please. Before you have any right to take a single step towards even courtship, there are, at least, three things con-cerning which you must be satisfactorily and fi nally settled.

1. Are you sure of an honest and comfortable livelihood? It is somewhat hum-bling to our proud and soaring nature, that we should have to leave the beautiful realms of poetry and love, and coming down to the stern realities of life, ask our-selves how we are to earn our daily bread. But such is man’s necessity on earth. Let youth be never so lovely, so ethereal, so good, he must care for the means of subsistence. None are exempt from this law. Th e poor gypsy boy, camped on his native heath, with the stars for his watch-fi res; the scholar, rich in academic lore; the artist; the artizan; the traveller, fresh from the enchantment of foreign lands; the merchant; the philanthropist; the genius; the princely courtier: all must stoop to the low earthly thing of knowing how to live, before they wreath love’s gar-land or tie the Gordian knot.1 Wherever this necessity is neglected, heavy penalty follows with more than the fabled certainty of fate. Embar[r]assment, poverty, wretchedness, and separation generally punish the youth who marries before the means of living are at his command. Blind indeed must that love be, which will take a young female from the home of comfort to one of poverty and want. But stay! Such passion is not love; it can not be, because it is cruel. It is nothing but the eff ervescence of excitement and youthful frenzy. Now reader, are you sure of a living if you marry? If you take a wife, can you maintain her? Can you guard her from poverty? Can you shield her from want? Can you procure for her every necessary and reasonable comfort? Unless you can answer these questions in the affi rmative, you sin in every step you take towards marriage, and the blessing of God will never rest upon your union. Marry without the means of livelihood, and you prepare a scorpion whip with which to lash your soul.

2. Th e next preliminary refers to the position in life you intend to occupy. Of course, you cannot tell absolutely in what sphere of life you will move. Th is is a world of vicissitude. Th e lowly may be elevated and the exalted brought low. Th e

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poor may be enriched, the wealthy reduced. Th e most prosperous may live to be the most adverse, the unfortunate may one day be the most successful. Still you must choose some pursuit in life; and your place in the world is partly formed to your hand, but chiefl y made by yourself. Of the two, there is more credit in working out a position for yourself than in having one given you. As far as a young man can, he ought to know the class of society he will belong to, and the status he will have in that class, before matrimonial engagement. It is not possible for a youth to make a suitable choice before he knows what he is to be and what he will have to do. Many a matrimonial engagement has been painfully, in some instances disreputably broken off , that never ought to have been formed, simply because the parties knew not, at the time, into what ‘sphere of life it would please God to call them.’ Beware of forming too early an engagement. Your prospects may brighten. A wider and more important door of action and usefulness may open to you. Th e reverse may happen. Instead of being enlarged, you may be restricted in your circle and crippled in your resources. Let your position in life be fi xed, as far as it can be, before you attempt to take to yourself a wife. Should good fortune then overtake you, you will not be encumbered with a wife that cannot rise with you; and if adversity should come, you will not be reproached for having reduced a lady to the drudgery and discomfort of a menial’s life.

Surely we need not further remonstrate with our young friends on the absurd-ity of choosing wives before they have attached themselves to any business or embraced any profession. How can you choose a wife well before you know what your situation in life will be? To say that any one female is suitable for the duties of a wife, in any sphere of life, and in all grades of society, is the acme of arrant non-sense. A female may do very ill for the wife of a man in one position in life, and yet she may make a paragon of a wife for another man in a diff erent situation. Instance: What would the master of a large seminary do, who wanted his wife to share the duties of the establishment, if he married some poor uneducated labourer’s daugh-ter? Or, how could a common son of Vulcan2 make his wife comfortable, if she had received an education and training fi t for a duchess? In this matter, as in many others, the ancient proverb must be observed, ‘Birds of a feather fl ock together’.3

But to return to our subject. No doubt, young reader, you wish to have a very superior wife, and yet you must remember that you have nothing to substantiate your claim if you have not obtained a competence. You may possess a great deal of internal worth; but the world will require a taste of your quality, and a manifesta-tion of your excellence, before it will pay the least attention to your claims. You want a good wife do you, young man? Th en show us what you have done to deserve one,* and let us know the manner in which you intend to keep up your deserts.

You may have the means of living, your position in life may be fi xed, and yet you may not really need a wife. We do not ask whether you fancy you need

* A farmer’s son being once asked this question, gave the following reply: –

‘I’ve yoked my father’s oxen, And I’ve ploughed my father’s land.’

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H. W. H., How to Choose a Wife 81

one. Many young men do indulge their fancy in this way. But they ought not to expect to have their fancy-wants supplied until they go to fairy land; and that won’t be yet. Miserable and despicable, under any circumstances, is the conduct of the young man who marries simply and only because it happens to be his whim. To marry only from caprice is to trifl e with a sacred institution and enter life with a Mercutio4 feeling.

Th e marriage-vow should never be made without weighty inducements and justifi able motives. Are you thinking of the holy estate of matrimony? Th en answer honestly and conscientiously a few plain questions. Will your success in life be facilitated by marriage? Will it be for your social well-being? Will it con-duce to your religious prosperity and usefulness? Should you be a better and a happier man if you were married? Do you feel embarrassed and unhappy because you have no bosom friend to help you up life’s rugged hill? Are you weary of dwelling in the house of a stranger, and do you long for a home of your own? What is your motive for marriage? Is it such as God’s pure law approves? Should your marriage take place, will the memory of your inducements bring uneasiness or disturb your quiet in a dying hour? Finally do you need a wife?

HOW TO CHOOSE A WIFE.Assuming that you have the means of living, – that you have obtained your sta-tion in life, – and that it will be for your temporal, social, and religious advantage to marry, we off er you, in hearty good will, the following advices on the method of your choice.

CHAP. I.In order to [make] the right choice of a wife, it is essential that you form correct

views on the importance, obligations, and consequences of marriage.

Th ousands plight their troth with the most reprehensible levity. With them mar-riage is a mere matter of course, a thing of merriment – a gala day. All thoughts of its essentially religious character, its perpetuity, its duties, and its trials, are completely lost sight of. Some proceed to marriage, and think far less of the con-sequences than they do of the garments they shall wear on their wedding-day. But, however heedlessly some may marry, it is not a thing to be trifl ed with. It is not a mere commercial matter, not an arrangement of civilization, not a business bargain. Marriage is a sacred institution. Its divine character was stamped upon it in Eden, and has been maintained and transmitted through every successive dispensation of God to man. No one that reads his Bible; (and we do not write for sceptics now, though we hope that much which this little book contains may be of service even to them;) no one who believes his Bible can doubt for a moment the emphatic character of the teachings of revelation on the subject of marriage. Never forget, youthful reader, that with all the pleasantry and gaiety

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associated with marriage, it is a religious action; a thing to be done solemnly, prayerfully, and in the fear of God. Among those that do think seriously on the subject, we fear the majority only contemplate its blessings and its joys. Th ey exclude from their thoughts all the diffi culties and trials which frequently fol-low marriage. Youth for the most part would rather look at its bright side than at its dark one. By way of counterbalancing this infi rmity, we must endeavour to show you the shady side. Marriage will bring upon you many diffi culties and anxieties which do not in any way aff ect you now. While you are single you live for yourself; but when you are wed you will have to live for another; you will have to consult the interests of another, to study the will of another; you will feel that the life and happiness of another being depend on you; you can no longer be careless about yourself, because you cannot be so without being unmindful of your wife; you will no longer be at liberty to injure yourself, because you cannot do so without injuring her. God may give you children: you will have to educate them, watch over them, provide for them. Yours will be the responsible offi ce of fi tting them for this life, and training them for immortality. Your wife’s health may totally fail, and so cause you many trials. Can you love her in sickness as in health? when she is the cause of fi nancial loss as well as when she was a gain? She may die and leave you in the bleak world with the heavy cares of a rising family. How would you manage to bear up under such a heavy affl iction? Your children may be sickly, and never able to do anything for themselves. Would not this try you sorely? Your children may be hale and strong, but they may also be impru-dent and unfortunate, and so bring down your grey hairs with sorrow to the grave. Have you ever thought of this? Providence may spare to you your wife and children, but you may suff er a reverse of fortune. You may live to see a beloved wife and lovely children pinched in their circumstances, and pining for want of the necessaries of life. Would not this break your heart? We do not wish to ter-rify you with needless alarms; we do not wish to put the least impediment in the way of your marriage when the proper time shall come: but we deem it our duty to set before you the bitters as well as the sweets, – to set before you the bitters more than the sweets, because you overlook them most.

CHAP. II.Never marry whom you cannot always love.

‘Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave him-self for it.’ Eph. v. 25.5

Eschewing as we do everything like mawkish sentimentalism and morbid pas-sion, we at the same time believe that more domestic happiness proceeds from holy love than from any other source. Learning, wealth, beauty, goodness, all are vain where love is not. Better a dinner of herbs with love, than the richest viands

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where the heart is cold. What is-matrimonial love? A question oft en asked. It is not the love of existence, it is not the love of society, it is not the love of friendship. Poets sing of Cupid and his arrows; they say that he is a little god, that he is always young, always in a good humour, and they give him wings to fl y with. Th is may do to eke out amorous verse, but it does not touch the question. Th e following, by Scott, is the best defi nition of matrimonial love with which we are acquainted: –

‘True love’s the gift which God hath givenTo man alone beneath the heaven. It is not fantasy’s hot fi re, Whose wishes, soon as granted, fl y; It liveth not in fi erce desire, With dead desire it doth not die.It is the secret sympathy,Th e silver link, the silken tie,Which heart to heart, and mind to mind,In body and in soul can bind.’6

It is to be feared that there are those in wedded life who have neither mutual sympathy nor mutual love. Th ey might have loved once. Alas for their peace! they love not now. Nothing but the ring holds them together. Unobserved by the world, a secret poison festers in their bosom. All the forms and duties of married life are observed; outwardly there is cheerfulness and smiles – on the altar of the heart, utter desolation.

Not every boyish passion answers to the name of enduring love. Oft en in early life is the fi re kindled; almost as oft en quenched. Th e love that cannot bear the test of reason cannot endure. Now and then young men are the victims of ardent and indiscreet attachment. A youth of this class is so strong in his aff ec-tion, that he would question his own existence, rather than the duration of his passion. And yet that passion does expire. Its absurdity is its destruction.

No passion of youth is so freakish, so capricious as that of love. It has over-come the strongest minds, and made a fool and a laughing stock of many a wise man. Discretion and sagacity have oft en fl ed away before love’s power. How are you to control this unruly passion? Hard question! We have only two methods to prescribe – the one human, the other divine. One human: when you are aware that your feelings are being excited, and that love is waking, make haste to ask yourselves some such questions as the following: Is she suitable? Will it meet with the general sanction of true friends? Will it bear the test of public criticism? Th e other divine: follow, strictly follow, the counsel of your Heavenly Father’s word; and in all your orisons7 beseech him to guide your aff ections to such a person as shall be well pleasing in his sight. Keep closely to these two directions, and then we do not see how your feelings can ever run away with your judgment.

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If you are taking steps towards marriage, pause awhile and look into your inmost soul. Do you love? Is your love pure and intense? Is it a reasonable love or the excitement of a madcap? Has she all your heart? Do you love her next to your Creator and more than life? Do you love her more than father and mother, and houses and land? Have you any secret misgivings concerning the durability of your passion? Can you always love her? Will nothing ever crush your love?

CHAP. III.

However excellent the lady of your choice may be, and however ardently you may love her, do not marry her, unless she loves you.

‘Th at they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands.’ Titus ii. 4.

Some young men treat this point with indiff erence. ‘Marry,’ say they, and ‘love will come.’ Did love ever come under such circumstances? Look around you, and appeal to facts. Th ose who have lived longer than you, and who have freely exercised their powers of observation, will tell you that they have known such marital instances, as those we now brand; but they can also say, in their conscience, on their honour, and from their hearts, that they never knew a coerced marriage prosperous. Never accept the hand if you cannot have the heart. If you marry one who has been dragged or driven to the altar, one who does not, cannot return your love, it will surely bring upon you the malediction of insulted heaven, and the secret scorn of a violated heart. Behold that wast-ing form, the ravages of consuming grief; oh! look into that fi reless sunken eye; think of the icy coldness of that hand; trace the lines on those fevered cheeks, and read in these your gathering doom. Some soulless beings think that the presence of every other excellence amply compensates for the want of a recip-rocated aff ection.

‘But oh! the choice what heart can doubtOf tents with love, or thrones without?’8

Bear any disappointment, make any sacrifi ce, endure any privation, suff er any amount of misery, rather than marry one that cannot love you. Be not content with merely fancying you are loved. You must have good ground for a faith so important in its consequences. Do not suff er yourself to be ensnared or deceived by designing parents. You must learn the truth, and hear Love’s tender avowal from other lips than theirs. Again we implore you not to marry unless your acceptance is the free and loving choice of the wished-for bride. If you go wrong on this point, depend upon it, you may live to loathe your own name, and curse your own being. Reader, you will think we are writing strong things now, but

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could we here write down instances of coerced marriage that have come under our own notice, you would consider our words by far too weak.

Th e deep devotion of woman’s loving heart can never be told. What is there it has not done? What is there it has not borne? What can it not accomplish? What can it not endure? Wrong, poverty, cruelty, exile, danger, death, have all been triumphed over by woman’s love. It can smoothe an angry brow, and light up a frowning countenance with smiles; it can suff er and weep; it can sweeten soured feelings, and make them glow with genial warmth again; it can pour a fl ood of heavenly light into the darkest midnight of misfortune; it can cling to the fallen spirit through all its degradation, and bring it back to purity, and elevate it higher than to the height from which it fell. Woman’s love shines brightest in the hour of affl iction and death; for when the weary wheels of life are ceasing to revolve, it turns its frail possessor into a ministering angel. Never was the love of woman’s heart set forth so beautifully as in the following lines. We know it is not exactly in good taste to interlard our prose with poetry, but what can we do? Here are lines illustrative of our present subject, such as never were written before, and such as never will be written again. Th ey were composed by an affl icted missionary’s wife, who, when she wrote them, was fully expecting to leave her husband alone in the mission fi eld, with very little prospect of ever rejoining him.9

‘We part on this green islet;10 Love; Th ou for the eastern main,11

I, for the setting sun, Love – Oh, when to meet again?

My heart is sad for thee, Love, For lone thy way will be;And oft thy tears will fall, Love, For thy children and for me.

Th e music of thy daughter’s voice Th ou’lt miss for many a year;And the merry shout of thine elder boys, Th ou’lt list in vain to hear.

When we knelt to see our Henry die, And heard his last faint moan,Each wiped the tear from other’s eye – Now, each must weep alone.

My tears fall fast for thee, Love, – How can I say farewell?But go; – thy God be with thee, Love, Th y heart’s deep grief to quell!

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Yet my spirit clings to thine, Love, Th y soul remains with me,And oft we’ll hold communion sweet, O’er the dark and distant sea.

And who can paint our mutual joy, When all our wanderings o’er,We both shall clasp our infants three, At home, on Burmah’s shore.

But higher shall our raptures glow, On yon celestial plain,When the loved and parted here below Meet, ne’er to part again.

Th en gird thine armour on, Love, Nor faint thou by the way,Till Boodh12 shall fall, and Burmah’s sons, Shall own Messiah’s sway.*

Many a female heart has felt the deep and hallowed sentiments of love recorded in these peerless lines, but only one woman has lived to mirror the noble senti-ments in verse.

Th ere can hardly be a greater bliss on earth than that which proceeds from holy, mutual love. It is the bond, the seal, and the reward of holy marriage. Where it is, there is peace and paradise. It is the music of souls, and no discord can disturb its ever rolling harmony.

But perhaps some of our readers are beginning to think that such mutual attachment cannot endure, that it is too good to last. Others have thought so before you. La Fontaine has said: ‘Love is the shadow of the morning, which decreases as the day advances: Friendship is the shadow of the evening, which strengthens with the setting sun of life’.14 Such fl ippant and wicked sentiments may be patronised by libertines, by the selfi sh, and the vile; but no moral, no christian youth will taint and degrade himself by believing so foul a slander. On the durability of wedded love, La Fontaine’s view is as deadly poison. Do not, youthful reader, sow the seeds which will spring up and choke your future hap-piness by believing such sinful and destructive doctrine. Holy wedded love is not like the shadow of the morning, not like the transient meteor’s fl ash, not like the waning moon. On the contrary, wedded love is durable as the light of the fi xed stars. Why should it not endure? Th e lapse of time enables them more fully to realize one another’s worth, and every trial binds them closer. Wedded love does more than endure; it goes on increasing. In this sense, it is like the river increasing in strength as it hastens to the ocean. If as fi rst they loved because of

* Memoirs of Sarah B. Judson, by F. Forester, page 178.13

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worth, how will their love be increased when that worth has been tested in num-berless instances, and confi rmed by the experience of many years! Holy wedded love strengthens by its duration. Each new act of mutual kindness gives it new life, and every suff ering, borne by one for the other’s good, expands the love of both. Does the aged warrior love the comrade who has been his companion in arms from the beginning of his military career, who has shared with him all the hardships of a soldier’s life, who has never forsaken him in the hour of danger and oft en risked his life to save him? – does the aged warrior love the veteran comrade who has fought by his side, sought him among the heaps of slain, and borne him bleeding from the battle fi eld, – more than he loved that comrade when he fi rst met with him on the parade ground? Even so is it in the wedded state. When old age comes on, they love more than they did in the morning of their days, because they have fought life’s battle side by side.

We cannot close our views on the general subject of love better than in the language of Abercrombie: ‘A domestic society, bound together by these princi-ples, can retire, as it were, from the haunts of men, and retreat within à sanctuary where the storms of life cannot enter. When thus met together in the inter-change of mutual aff ection and mutual confi dence, they present the anticipation of that period, when, aft er the tumults of life are over, they shall meet again, ‘no wanderer lost, a family in heaven’.15

CHAP. IV.In the choice of a wife, excellence of moral and religious character

must be the fi rst great essential.

Your own religious interests on earth are deeply involved in marriage. What comfort, what peace of mind can the husband have, where there is inconstancy, irreligion, and infi delity on the part of the wife? Marry an irreligious woman and you will have no domestic resource to fl ee to in the hour of religious need. Th ere will be none to admonish you when you neglect your religious duties. An irreligious wife cannot counsel you when you are under the infl uence of severe temptation, neither can she assist to resolve your doubts in cases of conscience. To all matters of religious experience the friend of your bosom will be a stranger and an alien. She cannot help you, she cannot sympathise with you, she can-not understand you. 1 Cor. xi. 14.16 – ‘But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned.’ Sad must be the condition of the husband whose griefs his spouse cannot relieve, and whose trials she cannot share. Many young men have great diffi culty in maintaining their hold of reli-gion, and in discharging its duties even when single. How will that diffi culty be increased if they marry irreligious wives! If now you fi nd it hard work to keep the

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commands of your Maker, if you now make such indiff erent progress in religion, what will you do when united to one who has no religion, one who has never even sought it with success?

It is the doctrine of Scripture that you being a believer should marry none other than a religious wife. 2 Cor. vi. 14, 17.17 – ‘Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unright-eousness? And what communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belial?18 Or what part hath he that believeth with an infi del? *** Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate saith the Lord.’19 *** On the faith of a Christian you are bound to observe these injunctions. Not to ‘marry in the Lord’20 is to break a plain command – to run a fearful risk. ‘When the old serpent is in the heart of a wife who lieth in your bosom, he has a fair opportunity of winding himself into yours also’.21

Religion is worth more than beauty, accomplishments and talent. ‘Who can fi nd a virtuous woman for her price is far above rubies. Th e heart of her husband doth safely trust in her. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.22 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.’23

It frequently happens that an ungodly wife uses her husband’s profession of religion as the instrument of persecution. Unchristianizing him for the least provocation, and oft en without any cause whatever, she shakes his faith, and har-rows his heart. You may demur to this, and say, although the female I should like to marry is not religious, she is mild and gentle, and therefore will not put a stumbling block in my path. Th e Scriptures tell us that ‘the carnal mind is enmity against God.’24 You must either deny the Scripture doctrine, or grant that your quiet intended may one day turn upon you.

Pause young man before you marry an irreligious wife. Men have been more than conquerors through the blood of the Lamb, and gone safe home to heaven, although their wives did not serve God. But are you equal to such a task? Can you roll the stone of Sisyphus?25 Let your own unfaithfulness answer the ques-tion. Let your meagre religious attainments answer it. Let the frequency with which you have gone astray from God and brought yourself into condemnation, answer the question. You have no grace to spare. Be honest with yourself, and you will feel, that so far from needing one to hinder you in the way to heaven, you require one to assist you in your progress.

Th is earth is not the only world in which you will be religiously infl uenced by your marriage. Its results will make you happier among the spirits of just men made perfect, or more miserable in the unknown regions of the lost. Th e infl uences of marriage go beyond earth’s narrow confi nes, and cleave to the dis-embodied spirit throughout the mighty cycle of the eternal years. Th e wife on earth that best deserves the name of angel is she, who,

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‘Tries each art, reproves each dull delay,Allures to brighter worlds, and leads the way’.26

CHAP. V.

Good health is too important a matter to be overlooked in choosing a partner for life.

Health is next to piety in the scale of the ascertained value of blessings. It is more than fortune. Fortunes have been wasted in vain to supply its lack of service. Continual sickness is a continual calamity. It interferes with the regular course of business, and of life. A sickly wife can do nothing for herself, nor for any one else. Servants must manage her household, and strangers train her children. Contin-ued sickness is the heaviest possible source of expenditure, and the destruction of home comfort. Of course when affl iction comes, unforeseen, and in the order of the Providence of God, it must be taken as one of the trials of life. Under such circumstances a husband receives Divine consolation, and Providential provi-sion. Should such unforeseen trials ever be yours, youthful reader, we hope you will do honour to your sex, by a ceaseless vigil in the sick room of your ailing wife. Th is would be your duty, and we know too much of the goodness of the youthful heart, when under the reign of grace, to doubt your capacity and will-ingness for its performance. Notwithstanding this, religion gives you no warrant wilfully and knowingly to form an alliance with disease. Do not seek to have a continuous doctor’s bill rolled up in your marriage settlement.

Some diseases are hereditary. Deliberately to marry where such diseases are known to exist, is worse than folly. It is to help to spread an evil among mankind, to transmit a calamity and a scourge to future generations. Many children have been a plague to themselves, and a burden to their parents and society, during the whole course of their lives, in consequence of this imprudence. Weigh well the value of good health and a good constitution before you marry.

CHAP. VI.

Correct domestic habits belong to the class of essentials.

Some females seem happiest when they are gadding about from house to house, and jaunting from one locality to another. Wherever there are friends to enter-tain them, they are sure to go. Th e carrier’s van, the gig, the omnibus, the carriage, the railway train, every kind of road, every mode of travelling, and every species of conveyance, is pressed into the service of their roving disposition. One feels half inclined to think them stray members of an Arab tribe. Forest rangers are very well in their way, but do not marry a ranger, as you would avoid perpetual

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motion. It is but little in domestic management and supervision that can be done by proxy; and when the wife is frequently abroad, things are sure to go wrong at home. A wife can have very little regard for her husband’s purse, who trusts serv-ants with the exclusive management of all her household aff airs.

Extravagance is as injurious as excessive visiting. Under its baneful infl uence, the amplest fortune must disappear, as snow melts under the infl uence of the sun. You may not always be able to lay your hand on the particular extravagance by which your property is being wasted, but you will feel that it is not the less really diminishing, because the particular form of its decrease is almost imper-ceptible. It will not be particularly consoling for you to know that your hard earnings are being frittered away in frivolity, or squandered in extravagance.

Covetousness is quite as great an evil in household management, as extrava-gance. It abridges the necessaries of life, destroys domestic comfort, and even defeats its own purpose, because persons invariably pay dear for their determi-nation to cheapen everything. A covetous housekeeper will look shy at your relatives, scare away every one of your visiting friends, and even destroy your own health by her slave-driving parsimony. Some females are everything you can desire, except this one thing, they cannot keep your house in order. Th ey are beautiful, wealthy, refi ned, amiable, and accomplished, but they cannot manage. Let none think that superiority in these things disqualifi es for domestic duties. You will fi nd as many slatternly wives and bad housekeepers among the vulgar and ordinary, as you will fi nd among the accomplished and refi ned.

Nothing can redeem the want of good domestic qualities. With them you may be happy, without them you never can. Is the lady to whom you intend pay-ing your addresses fond of housekeeping now? Is she domestic now? If she is not now, you have no reason to expect that she will be aft er your nuptials.

CHAP. VII.Unanimity of opinion on all essential points.

Th e unity of friendship and the union of marriage, are two very diff erent things. Men may diff er on many vital subjects, and still be excellent friends; but matri-monial happiness cannot co-exist with such diff erence. A wife is but another self. Th e idea of unity is essential to that of matrimony. Between man and wife there must be only one interest, and one aim. As the colours of the rainbow are gradu-ated into each other, so must their two hearts be blended into one. In friendship men may avoid coming into contact with each other’s views, on matters in which they broadly diff er, but it is impossible to avoid such collision in married life. To join together a man and woman, between whom there exist essential diff er-ences, is contrary to nature and reason. Th ey must come into confl ict. Th ey must cross one another point blank. He who has seen a place where two seas meet, may

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have an idea of the perpetual struggle and turbulence, consequent on the kind of marriage we now censure. In vain they strive to suppress their diff erences. A thousand circumstances, even the routine of daily life, is sure to bring them into antagonism. What happiness can there be, when one attends a Protestant place of worship, and the other waits on the Altars of the Church of Rome; when one hates to live in town, and the other hates to live in the country; when one likes visiting, and the other can’t endure strangers; when one insists on family worship, and the other thinks it needless; when one is anxious for the acquisition of knowl-edge, and the other is the enemy of knowledge; when one is anxious to be useful in society, and the other is steeped in selfi shness: when one is all for saving, and the other is all for spending; when one says the children shall have a good educa-tion, and the other resolves they shall have none; when one would pursue a given line of conduct towards the children, and the other would proceed on its direct opposite? To bring together such a heterogeneous mass with any hope of peace or prosperity is monstrous. Cross purposes and diversities of interests, persons between whom there is hardly anything in common, are better kept apart. ‘Be of one mind,’ if you would ‘live in peace’,27 is the Apostolic injunction.

While speaking on this subject we must forewarn you of a very clever and very wicked trick sometimes practised by designing persons. You will occasionally meet with people who are remarkably agreeable. For awhile you will be at a loss to discover the secret of their charm. By careful observation, however, you will fi nd that they belong to that class of persons who ‘when at Rome, do as they do at Rome.’28 Th ey assent and consent to all you say. Never diff er from you in any thing however trifl ing. Th e verdant youth will rejoice to think that he has at last found a kindred spirit, whereas the only source of their apparent accord is downright deception. Far be it from us to say that every agreeable female is nothing more than a clever deceiver; but still, there are a few such hypocrites in the world, and the youth that marries one, will rue the day he ever met with his kindred spirit.

CHAP. VIII.If you would be comfortable and happy in the married state, you must seek a bride

of good temper, amiable disposition, and modest bearing.

You have all read the passages in Solomon’s Proverbs, about the miseries infl icted by a brawling woman. Permit us to refresh your memory by quoting them here. Prov. xxv. 24.29 – ‘It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house.’ Prov. xxi. 19.30 – ‘It is better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and an angry woman.’ Such is inspired testimony, and all human experience confi rms it. An irritable, fretful, peevish, scolding disposition, is a misery to its possessor, and it makes every body miser-able that it touches. Th ere can be no peace where quarrelsome propensities are

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dominant. Th e house that echoes to these constant dissentions is more like a furi-ous democratic debating society, than a happy home. We pity the husband, who, with nerves already damaged by constant irritation, has still to endure the fi ery assaults of his tormentor. Shakespeare speaks of Taming the Shrew,31 but the man that would attempt it, in a confi rmed case, must have nerves of iron, and Van Ham-burg’s eyes.32 ‘Th e contentions of a wife are a continual dropping’.33 She magnifi es every fault, and satirically expatiates on every infi rmity. Her husband can neither look right, speak right, nor act right. Morning, noon, and night, the year round, is he taunted and provoked by her scolding temper. His only chance of quiet is to avoid her presence. Many a meek husband has been driven from his home, to the inn and the club, by a bad tempered wife, till he has abandoned himself to her evil genius, and sunk into a confi rmed profl igate. Alas! for such a husband.

‘Still caring, despairing, Must be his bitter doom,His woes here shall close ne’er, But with the closing tomb’.34

A thoroughly sarcastic woman was never permanently loved. Aff ection for her may endure a short time, but the strongest love must wither under the infl uence of ceaseless ridicule. Th e female who is never happy except when making you miserable, is unworthy of your heart.

Not every lady that charms at a large party, charms at home. She may be very sleek and agreeable abroad, and yet be a vixen among her own family, and by her own fi reside. Th e following words are as true of one of this kind as they ever were of David’s enemy: ‘Th e words of his mouth were smoother than butter, but war was in his heart: his words were soft er than oil, yet were they drawn swords’.35

An amiable disposition and gentle bearing will cover a multitude of defects, and make you happy in the midst of sorrow. And what aft er all will any thing else avail you, if you are not happy on your own hearth? Home should be the soother of your anguish, your refuge, and your quiet resting place. Amid the disappoint-ments and vexations of life, how cheering will it be for you to know that there is one who will never reproach you, one who will always love you.

Th ose females who would make you happiest are sometimes the very last to arrest your attention. You must seek them, they will never seek you. Th ey are neither noisy, bold, nor boisterous. Th ey wear not their recommendations on the surface, but the better you know them, the more you will love them. Th ey are like some fl owers whose beauty and virtue seem diffi dent and retiring. Th ey bloom not in the public high-road under the rude gaze of every passer by. You must seek them in unobtrusiveness and retirement. It is there they spread their fragrance and breathe their incense up to heaven.

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CHAP. IX.

Marry your equal as nearly as you can.

‘Among unequals what societyCan sort, what harmony, or true delight?Of fellowship I speak fi t to participateAll rational delight’.36

On a winter’s evening, by the fi reside, we have all heard tales of wild romantic love. How queens have shared the lot of low-born peasants, and how kings have elevated village maidens to a throne. Matches of this kind are mere dreams of the imagination. Let not such legends exercise a deleterious infl uence upon you. If you aim at things beyond your reach, you only build castles in the air, and you will spend your life in reverie. If you follow every phantom of hope that glides before your fancy, you will try to touch the stars, and waste your days without accomplishing anything.

Generally speaking, the one whose circumstances in life are similar to your own, is the one most fi t to be your bride. You will frequently fi nd your best wife in your own sphere of life.

Two persons brought together in wedlock, from the opposite extremes of society, can hardly hope to be happy. What is there to make them so? Th eir views, tastes, habits, and manner of life are all dissimilar. Th eir prejudices do not harmonize, their prepossessions cannot coalesce. However anxious they may be to accommodate themselves to one another, it is only possible for them to suc-ceed. Habit is second nature, and cannot be broken in upon without uneasiness and pain. Proprieties of dress, over-dressing, style of living, cheapness, extrava-gance, politeness, fashion, education, and accomplishment are aft er all nothing more than relative terms, depending partly on a person’s training, habits, sphere, and means, for their signifi cation.

To marry one far beneath you, will give huge off ence to your best friends, and is almost certain to cause you a great deal of trouble. Writers on this subject gen-erally agree to remark, that wives whose positions in life were greatly inferior to those of their husbands, are oft en meddlesome, and their friends mischief-makers among families. On the other hand to marry one far above you, is quite as likely to cause you pain. If she does not bring wealth with her, then, if you are poor, you cannot maintain her in the style to which she has been accustomed. Should she be opulent, and you not rich, then, when the honeymoon is over, she may beg to remind you of her condescension in stooping to become your bride. She may tell you that her money has done this for you, and her family has charitably helped you in that. Cutting things of this kind have been said. A young man with any

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spirit in him would break stones on the road, and earn his bread by the sweat of his brow, rather than submit to such cruel and disgusting taunts as these.

We do not say that it is impossible for unequals to be happy in married life. But instances in which unequal marriages have turned out well are rare indeed, and the odds are decidedly against their doing so. Th ere are no rules without exceptions, but your safety will generally consist in the avoidance of both extremes.

CHAP. X.Give a decided preference to polished manners, and a cultivated mind.

As to whether woman is equal to man in mental endowment is a question we need not determine here. But even those who take opposite sides on this mat-ter, agree in saying that the mind should be cultivated. Th e Creator has given faculties, not that they may be allowed to run to waste, or grow into a wilder-ness. He has bestowed them for training and cultivation. A well regulated mind, rich in sanctifi ed knowledge, is as the garden of the Lord. Intellectual cultivation lift s its possessor far above the common herd, and carries with it a superiority that nothing else ever will. Females in these times have opportunities for mental improvement; and ought to embrace them. A young lady wilfully uneducated does not deserve a good husband, and it is not likely that she will get one. You may take it for granted that she will not care much for the education of her own off spring, if she passed through an expensive process of education, without mak-ing any decided improvement.

Polished manners are quite as requisite as mental acquirements. We were once acquainted with a young person who had to stand behind the counter. No scholar, not even up in the elements of knowledge, and yet better liked by the customers than any person that had ever held the same situation. Th e secret of his pleasing was good manners. Education without refi nement only gives its possessor the power to be more disagreeable. True politeness has its origin in purifi ed, kind, and chastened feeling. It is true that there may be politeness where such feeling does not exist, and it is also true that such feeling may exist where but little politeness is. In the former case, politeness results from constant intercourse with good society, and from a severe and fastidious observance of etiquette. In the latter case, the want of apparent politeness results from an indif-ference to the forms of society, a contempt for that which is artifi cial, and from the fact that no attention has been paid to the manner of expressing feeling. Not every politeness in this world is sincere. Much of it is a gilded lie. In choosing a wife, seek for those good manners that proceed from a good heart. A female that possesses them will refresh decaying goodness, and be a balm to your spirit. Th ere is a refi nement of soft ness, a delicacy in this luxury of demeanour, which, when allied to goodness, will always make you happy. Wealthy ignorance is intol-

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erable, and pretty handsome folly has only the charms of a butterfl y. Vulgarity and grossness may be agreeable to its kind, but we would not have you sink to the level of the lowest of the low. Perpetual nausea and disgust will be your doom, if you marry a vulgar and uncultivated woman. Do not mistake formality and aff ecta-tion for goodness or politeness. Ease is the test of politeness, but who can be at ease in the presence of such weakness as formality and aff ectation. We never see such [w]ant of conduct without mentally asking, How many hours’ practice at the glass did it cost you to give yourself that fi ne air, Miss Formality? Aff ectation palls upon the liking, and brings those who indulge in it into well-merited contempt.

CHAP. XI.While we would not have you attach yourself to deformity, we would, at the same

time, caution you against marrying for beauty only.

‘He that loves a rosy cheek, Or a coral lip admires,Or from star-like eyes doth seek, Fuel to maintain his fi res;As old Time makes these decay, So his fl ame must waste away.

But a smooth and stedfast mind, Gentle thoughts and pure desires,Hearts with equal love combin’d, Kindle never-dying fi res;Where these are not, I despiseLovely cheeks, or lips, or eyes’.37

A beautiful creature is a display of the Creator’s wisdom; a manifestation seldom given, but when it is made, it is a source of delight to all who behold it, and it is also a feeble intimation of what all humanity shall be when raised from the tomb and glorifi ed by the mighty power of God.

Th e aff ection of the youth enamoured of beauty must be very short lived, because its object is transient. If you intend to love only beauty, what will you do when old age comes on?

‘When the light of beauty is fading away,When the bright enchantment of youth is gone,And the tints that glow’d and the eye that shone,And darted around its glance of power,When all that was bright and fair is fl ed.38

Your aff ections will be a complete wreck if these were the only things you loved. Th ere are not many greater follies than that of marrying a female whose beauty

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is her sole recommendation. What will a bright eye do for you in affl iction and adversity? Will a ruby lip and raven tresses aff ord you any ease when your heart is fi lled with thorns? Will a pretty hand or a fi ne bust stand in the place of an ami-able disposition? Will a symmetrical and graceful fi gure compensate for the want of common sense? Do not be so silly as to marry a wife for the same reason that a child buys a pretty doll, or an amateur purchases a fi ne painting, or a splendid statue. You must seek sterling worth rather than beauty. Th e latter is a mere acci-dent so far as its possessor is concerned; neither is it any guarantee for the absence of domestic vices; but the former is a heavenly endowment, an acquired gem. Beauty is a rare thing on earth; but beauty allied to sterling worth is rarer still; and therefore you cannot all of you have models of beauty for your wives. Th e major-ity of you must either marry females of average appearance or remain unmarried.

CHAP. XII.

Shall a man marry for money?

However much young men expatiate on ineff able aff ection and disinterested love, they cannot live in a civilized country without money. Love alone can nei-ther clothe them when they are naked, nor feed them when they are hungry. If you can live on love, then let the fact that you do love be suffi cient to induce you to marry without regard to any other consideration.

Certainly the possession of wealth is not essential to a good wife, neither is pov-erty. We apprehend that no reasonable young man, who found a lady with every qualifi cation, and wealth in addition, would require that she should be divested of her wealth, as the condition of making her his bride. But although there can be no objection to wealth as such, you must never make money your only essential in the choice of a wife. He who marries only for money will one day have it rusting in his heart. Never marry for wealth, but marry for that which is worth more than money, for that which money can never buy. You must have a fortune in her, and if you can have a fortune with her, accept it and be thankful, and mind you lend a helping hand to those who have been less fortunate than yourself. A fortune with her will do you no service, unless you have a fortune in her.

CHAP. XIII.

Let there be no great disparity of years.

Our ideal of the thing would be, that your respective ages should be much the same, that you should serve God in company to life’s close, and then go to heaven together. But it is seldom that we can realize our ideal. Ages have diff ered widely, and the union has never caused a pang. Still, under any circumstances, it is a more graceful thing that your ages should be nearly equal. Under some circum-

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stances great diff erence of years is most unjustifi able. For an old man to marry a young girl is most incongruous, and very reprehensible. Th e cares of a rising family to which he is not equal, their claims upon his resources, which he cannot meet, are such as positively to prohibit his marriage. We have always considered it a very unfair conundrum that any gentleman should walk about the streets, puzzling every passenger, in guessing, whether the lady hanging on his arm, is his grandmother, his granddaughter, or his wife. To be serious. Th e following extract from an excellent little book, contains our views on this matter, and expresses them much better than we can express them ourselves.*39 ‘I take it for granted that the parties to whom you refer, are equally eligible in point of age and other personal considerations. To suppose that you could entertain proposals from a person very much younger or older than yourself, would be to refl ect upon that good common sense which has always characterized my friend. Such matches I have seen, but they produce in my mind sensation amounting to disgust. Th ey are at variance with the order of nature, which, in matters of this kind, is the order of God, who created woman to be ‘an help meet for man.’’

CHAP. XIV.Do not expect to fi nd perfection, but you must be determined to have a good wife.

Seek not to fi nd a model housewife, a Mrs. Warren40 at the needle, a Miss Godd-ard41 at the piano, a Taglioni42 in dance, a Lind43 in song; beautiful as Zenobia,44 gentle as Desdemona,45 courageous as Joan of Arc;46 do not expect to fi nd one poetic as Sappho,47 talented as Stael,48 pastoral as a shepherdess, courtly as a queen, fair as alabaster; an Angelo49 in art, a Newton50 in science, a Macaulay51 in literature, a Mungo Park52 in travel; – seek not all these things in one, for you will never fi nd them – you will never fi nd a lady Crichton.53 Wander through every grade of society, roam through foreign lands, note-book in hand, as a young friend of the author’s facetiously says he will do before he marries, do this, and you will meet none without some defect. In gorgeous palaces, in the humble cot, on the rural landscape, amid the city throng, on thrones, at the spinning wheel, out in the wilderness, on the desert’s track, in the busy warehouse, in the halls of science, far beyond the borders of civilization, in the Elyseum of refi ne-ment, from the ar [c] tic circle to the torrid zone, through every line of latitude, under every sky, for all time, Imperfection’s fi ngers mark the human race.

In religious excellence, and in all the higher and nobler qualities of the heart, we regard woman as decidedly superior to man. Th ose of you who fi rst began to assert your little manhood in a small way, by teasing your sisters, were perhaps in the habit of calling the name of Jezebel,54 or of bloody Mary to your assistance,

* Counsels and Cautions on the Subject of Marriage. London, Published by J. Mason, 14, City-road.

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when other tricks of raillery failed to take eff ect. You forgot that if there was a woman wicked enough to be a Jezebel, there was also another woman so holy as to be the mother of Christ’s humanity. You forgot that if there was a bloody Mary,55 there is a queen Victoria.56

If, young gentlemen, you will be content (forgive us) with wives a little bet-ter than yourselves, you will neither have far to wander, nor long to seek. It is to be hoped that there are a few young ladies quite your equals in everything good and excellent. Are you such Pharisees57 as to think otherwise? Th en it is time you learned better.

CHAP. XV.

Let your courtship and marriage, to all intents and purposes, and fr om fi rst to last, be your own personal act according to the will of God.

In giving this advice we hope we shall not be considered as sanctioning rashness, obstinacy, or self-will. By all means advise with parents and friends. Keep your-self open to conviction. Weigh matters well. Th oroughly count the cost. But, in doing these things, remember your individual responsibility to God and to the future. You will have to bear the burden; the consequences will come all on you. Parents may advise with you, but they cannot take the results. Friends may coun-sel you, but they will not, and cannot be responsible for the consequences of your taking action on the advices they may give you. Th ose of you who are taking steps towards marriage answer us. Are you acting in the fullest sense according to your own conviction? Are you sure that it is your own heart’s free choice? It will be a sorry consolation for you, in the hour of misfortune, to remember that you were over-persuaded into marriage – sacrifi ced for ever your own personal welfare for the sake of pleasing other people. Put no fi nal trust in any judgment save your own. Others may choose wives for themselves, they cannot choose one for you. Th e circumstances must be terrible that would warrant your marrying against a good parent’s will, but under no circumstances ought you to marry according to a parent’s will, when that will is not according to your own. Remain single to please them if you choose to make the sacrifi ce, but do not sacrifi ce yourself to please them by marrying one that you can never love.

To take your own choice, to act according to your own well-advised judg-ment, is to make the best possible preparation for any and every consequence of your marriage. Should you be unfortunate in your choice, you will receive a sustaining satisfaction from the thought that you did your best to obtain a good wife. Should you be successful, and happy in your connubial life, you will receive into your own bosom the reward of your discretion, giving all the glory to the Great Disposer of every event.

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CHAP. XVI.

Do not think the fi rst female to whom you have the opportunity or the inclination of paying your addresses, is the only one you can ever meet with, that would make

you a good wife.

A faith contrary to the doctrine laid down in the heading of this division, is a sad defect in the connubial creed of some young men. Th ey must make an off er to the fi rst female that happens to take their fancy. Never have such a chance again – charming creature – the very one, Miss Right – and we know not what besides. Well they act accordingly, and what is the consequence? Why they sometimes fi nd, when it is for ever too late, that if they had waited longer, they might have done a great deal better.

Aft er what we have already said on the subject of love, it would ill become us to write trifl ingly about it. We have no wish to do so, and we beg our aged readers to remember their own earliest experiences before they charge us with fl ippancy, when we say, that a young man is much mistaken if he thinks that his earliest emotions of love are the only ones he will ever feel, and especially in cases where those fi rst sensations are unsuccessful. A young man is very much mistaken if he thinks his fi rst possibility of courtship is the only one he will ever have. Th ose who have lived to the age of even eight-and-twenty can tell you that they have met with many such possibilities.

CHAP. XVII.

Never begin a courtship which you are not prepared to terminate at the hymeneal altar.

It too frequently happens that young men pay a series of special attentions to some members of the fair sex, without at all considering to what such attentions may lead. Th ey do not intend courtship, they have no thoughts of marriage, they know not at what they are aiming. Th is sort of thing is continued until they fi nd themselves in the dilemma of one who has gone too far; and they must either continue to advance, or be guilty of fl irtation. Many a youth has earned an evil name by this same thoughtless conduct. Th ey meant no harm at fi rst, but passing from one thing to another, without an evil purpose, they stigmatized themselves at last. Others have continued their thoughtless conduct still further, and entan-gled themselves in the toils of matrimony before they were aware. In such cases the knowledge of their folly comes too late. Th e dread of actions for damages, dreams of all their love letters and valentines fi guring in the newspapers, have driven them to a marriage they never sought, but could not honourably avoid.

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To enter on a courtship without the intention of marriage, is as unjust to the female, as it is disgraceful to you. It is to raise hopes that are never to be realized, to excite expectations that are sure to be disappointed. On both sides it prepares material for most painful retrospect; sometimes hurries to a premature grave. Th e man that breaks a woman’s heart, dries up the fountains of his own peace, and carries perdition in his breast. His spirit may ‘escape in the day of the Lord,’ but if there is a Righteous Power above us, judgment will surely ‘come down upon his body’.58

Young men sometimes commence courtship with the most honest intention of marriage, but when they come to be further acquainted with the lady, they fi nd just cause to withdraw; or in other words, they court fi rst, and aft erwards fi nd out that they never ought to have paid their addresses. Young men ought to know whether the lady is suitable before they pay her any such special attentions. Knowledge of this kind may be fairly and honourably obtained, and would fre-quently prevent a world of trouble and disappointment.

Do not think we are encouraging a hasty off er, or an instantaneous pledge to marry. We hope you will never be of those who begin by a promise of marriage, and then aft erwards try to ascertain if the promise has been wisely made. To do this, is to take the last step fi rst. Do not trifl e with a young lady’s aff ections; and beware of sinning against yourself by acting prematurely or precipitantly.

CHAP. XVIII.Be thoroughly fr ank and honest in all your courtship.

It does sometimes happen that young men wilfully deceive the female to whom they are paying their addresses. Some, because they delight in false and artifi cial appearances, others, because it helps them to secure their lady in marriage. Th ey represent themselves as being what they are not, either in point of knowledge, wealth, or habits; they keep back that which ought not to be suppressed, and set forth that which has no existence. We would not give much for the future peace of the man that plights his troth with a lie in his mouth. Sooner or later the truth comes out, and with the disclosure, there comes disappointment, mortifi cation, and perpetual aversion.

It is neither honest nor honourable in young men to be deceitful in anything, and especially in their love-making. Th e strangest hoax of this kind we ever knew, was substantially as follows: A. B. wished to marry C. D. A. B. knew that C. D. would make riches essential. A. B. advertised in the paper that £150,000 was ready to be lent on good security by A. B. Th e stratagem succeeded; the wedding came off . A. B. married, rich in advertisement, with an empty purse.

Deceit of any kind in matrimonial aff airs is intolerable. We know not of a word strong enough to express its wickedness, and therefore cannot write it.

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Tell nothing but the truth, and keep back nothing your intended ought to know. Once deceive a woman, and she will never trust you again. Your craft may succeed in leading her to marriage, but marriage will not cause her to confi de in you, if she fi nds you have employed guile in bringing her to it. Confi dence must have some basis, and think you it will last a single moment, when its foundation is broken up?

Open-hearted honesty may sometimes bring you into diffi culties, which by guile, you might perhaps for the moment escape; but better lose a hundred sweethearts by frankness, than win one wife by deception and dishonesty.

CHAP. XIX.Honour God, follow the leadings of His Providence, and you cannot greatly err.

A prudent wife is from the Lord. Prov. xix. 14.59

We believe that there is a guiding and controlling agency exercised by the Creator over all the aff airs of men, and especially over the aff airs of them that put their trust in Him. Th is divine government is not visible to the eye of sense, but it is palpable to the eye of faith. ‘Th ou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and aft erward receive me to glory’.60 Such was Asaph’s61 faith. And what your heavenly Father did for him, He will do for you. Go to His throne. Ask Him to lead you right. Tell Him all your heart. He will have compassion upon you. ‘Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear Him’.62 He is your Father, your best and wisest Father. You are His child, for are we not all His off spring?

‘He never, never will forsakeA helpless worm, that trusts in Him’.63

Do not recklessly forestall the future. Do not cut yourself off from the blessings which the future may have in store for you. Follow aft er the Providence of God; do not run before it. You must not lead Providence: it must lead you. If you thus fully honour God, your marriage will be for your eternal well-being. It may not be the best possible match according to the estimation of this world, but it will be the best for you. Other eyes may look coldly on and see many defi ciencies, but it will be stamped with your heavenly Father’s approval. She may be nothing to the world, but she will be more than all the world to you. For this world you might perhaps have done better, but it will be the best for the world to come, and ‘the day shall declare it.’

Connected with marriage there are two most odious characters; the match-maker, and the wife-hunter. Never be the one, and always shun the other. Do not fl irt with every girl you meet. Do not fl irt with any. ‘Keep your heart with all

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diligence.’ Treasure it well. Th ere is a capital wife in store to share it with you, if you are only faithful. We cannot tell you, where she will come from, because we are so unbelieving as not to have an astrologer’s glass in our study. But she will make her appearance at the right time, if you only live to God. Do not slumber. Keep open your eyes and your ears, and use your understanding well. Wait your heavenly Father’s time.

‘Leave to his sovereign swayTo choose and to command;So shalt thou wondering own his wayHow wise, how strong his hand’.64

How mysterious are the ways of Providence! But they are all mysteries of love. Trust in God, do your duty, and He will bring you by a way that you know not. Wait till Providence presses upon you the conviction that you need a wife, and that need will soon be supplied, if you are just and true. For them that love and fear God, – if we may be allowed to apply a business illustration to a matter infi -nitely more important than business, in this market – the supply is always equal to the demand.

CONCLUSION.Some married people may read these advices, but we do not fear that their experi-ence will falsify anything we have said. It might have been well for many of them if they had acted on the advices here given. Married reader, do you secretly wish you had? Remember it is too late now. Your choosing day is over, and your only path of wisdom consists in making the best of your circumstances. We may some day or other try to say a few things for your welfare on the happiness of the married state.

It is not unlikely that some females may read these counsels in order to ascer-tain what it is young men require in a wife. May we respectfully suggest that you must be these things, not seem them.

And now to those for whom this little book was written, we most aff ection-ately say – farewell. May Heaven, in mercy, spare you that bitterest of calamities on earth – a disastrous marriage.

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382 Notes to pages 70–9

32. levellers: Levellers were an organized political movement of labouring British people in the 1640s who campaigned for a redistribution of power. Hyde is probably referring to the dissenting status of Wesleyan Methodism.

33. Moses, Samuel and David: the prophets and patriarchs of the Old Testament. 34. Th e faithful fail among men: Psalm 12:1. 35. A faithful man who can fi nd?: Proverbs 20:6.36. Faithful is He who hath promised: Hebrews 10:23. 37. it is a faithful saying … sinners: 1 Timothy 4:9. 38. Mine eyes shall … Me: Psalm 101:6. 39. O love the Lord … faithful: Psalm 31:23. 40. Be thou faithful … life: Revelation 2:10. 41. Well done good … Lord: from Matthew 25:23. 42. riding through the nations … True: Revelation 19:11. 43. I am the faithful God!: Zechariah 8:8 and a reference to Revelation 19:11. 44. be obedient to them … fr ee: Ephesians 6:5–8.45. ‘Exhort servants,’ or slaves … things: Titus 2:9–10. 46. Th ou shalt not commit adultery: Deuteronomy 5:18 (and Romans 13:9).47. in the nurture and admonition of the Lord: Ephesians 6:4. 48. dug a pit: Pslam 35:7. 49. lift ed up his heel: John 13:18 and Psalm 41:9. 50. All things whatsoever … Prophets: Matthew 7:12. 51. My humbled soul, when Th ou art near … all: from C. Wesley, ‘Oh Why Did I my Sav-

iour Leave’, a popular hymn for ‘backsliders’, or those who turned away from Christ. A Collection of Hymns for the Use of the Methodist Episcopal Church, Principally fr om the Collection of the Rev. J. Wesley (New York: J. Emory & B. Waugh, 1831), p. 99.

52. faithful unto death: from Revelation 2:10. 53. Blessed are the dead … Lord: Revelation 14:13. 54. brethren, our heart’s … is: Romans 10:1. 55. that every one of you do show … promises: Hebrews 6:11–12. 56. righteousness, temperance, and judgment to come: Acts 24:25. 57. To whom be honour … Amen: 1 Timothy 6:16. 58. Prepare to meet thy God: Amos 4:12. 59. be ye also ready … cometh: Matthew 24:44. 60. Let your loins be girded about … them: Luke 12: 35–7. 61. Paved work of sapphire stone: from Exodus 32:19. 62. All that the Lord hath said … obedient: this phrase is repeated throughout Exodus. See

Exodus 19:8, Exodus 24: 3 and 7.63. See Exodus xxxii. 19: Exodus 32:19. Th is verse refers specifi cally to Moses breaking the

stone tablets with the Ten Commandments inscribed upon them in fury at the people’s preparation of a calf to sacrifi ce to the gods.

H. W. H., How to Choose a Wife1. Gordian knot: Th e phrase refers to a knot that is impossible to untie. It derives from the

story of a peasant farmer, Gordias, who became king of Phrygia and dedicated his ox cart to the god Zeus, tying it with a complicated knot. When Alexander the Great visited ‘Gordium’ in c. 333 bc he could not fi nd the ends of the knot to untie it and, according

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Notes to pages 79–91 383

to popular versions of the legend, sliced through it with his sword, thereby fulfi lling a prophecy that anyone who untied the knot would conquer the East.

2. Vulcan: the blacksmith god of fi re and volcanoes. 3. Birds of a feather … together: a proverb in use since at least the sixteenth century.4. Mercutio: Mercutio is a character in Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet (1597). Th e name is

derived from ‘mercurial’ denoting unpredictable or fast-changing moods. 5. Eph. v. 25: Ephesians 5:25.6. True love’s the gift : from Sir W. Scott, ‘Th e Lay of the Last Minstrel: Canto V’ (1805),

stanza 13. 7. Orisons: prayers.8. But oh! the choice … without: from T. Moore, ‘Lalla Rookh’ (1817). 9. Th ey were composed by … him: Th e author Sarah B. Judson (née Hall, 1803–45) died

while returning home from Burma. She died on shipboard in the harbour of St Helena, 1 September 1845.

10. this green islet: the Isle of France. 11. Th ou for the eastern main: Burma. 12. Boodh: Buddha. 13. Memoirs of Sarah B. Judson: F. Forester, Th e Memoirs of Sarah B. Judson, Member of the

American Mission to Burmah (London: Aylott & Jones, 1848). 14. Love is the shadow … life: attributed to Jean De La Fontaine (1621–95), the French

fabulist, and oft en reprinted in magazines. See for example, La Fontaine, ‘Love and Friendship’, Lady’s Monthly Museum, or, Polite Repository of Amusement and Instruction, 4 (February 1808), p. 88; La Fontaine, ‘Love is the Shadow … ’, Saturday Magazine, 13 (20 October 1838), p. 147; and ‘TATTLE’, Tatler, 471 (6 March 1832), p. 224.

15. A domestic society … heaven: from J. Abercrombie, Th e Philosophy of the Moral Feelings (London: John Murray, 1833). Abercrombie was a Scottish physician who settled in Edinburgh and wrote on intellectual and moral ethics.

16. 1 Cor. xi. 14: 1 Corinthians, 11:14.17. 2 Cor. vi. 14, 17: 2 Corinthians, 6:14–17.18. Belial: one of the princes of Hell. 19. Wherefore come out … Lord: 2 Corinthians 6:17. 20. marry in the Lord: possibly appropriated from 1 Corinthians 7:39. 21. When the old serpent … also: Anon., ‘Two Letters on the Marriage of Real Christians

with Unbelievers; or with Persons who are of Diff erent Religious Opinions, and Use Diff erent Places and Modes of Worship’, Wesleyan-Methodist Magazine, 2 (March 1823), pp. 162–4.

22. Who can fi nd … life: Proverbs 31:10–11.23. Many daughters … all: Proverbs 31:29. 24. the carnal mind … God: Romans 8:7.25. stone of Sisyphus: In Greek mythology, King Sisyphus was condemned to roll a large boul-

der to the summit of a hill; each time he reached the top, the stone rolled back down the hill, forcing him to spend eternity locked in the task.

26. Tries each art … way: from O. Goldsmith, ‘Th e Deserted Village’ (1770), ll. 169–70. 27. Be of one mind … peace: 2 Corinthians 13:11.28. when in Rome … Rome: a common phrase fi rst recorded in English in the early seven-

teenth century. 29. Prov. xxv. 24: Proverbs 25:24.30. Prov. xxi. 19: Proverbs 21:19.

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384 Notes to pages 92–101

31. Taming the Shrew: a reference to Shakespeare’s Th e Taming of the Shrew (c. 1590).32. Van Hamburg’s eyes: Not identifi ed. 33. Th e contentions … dropping: Proverbs 19:13. 34. Still caring, despairing … tomb: from R. Burns, ‘Despondency: An Ode’ (1786), ll. 11–15. 35. Th e words of his mouth … swords: Psalm 55:21.36. Among unequals … delight: J. Milton, Paradise Lost (1667), bk 8, ll. 384–5 and 389–90. 37. He that loves a rosy cheek … eyes: from T. Carew, ‘Disdain Returned’ ([c. 1640]), stanzas

1–2.38. When the light … fl ed: from J. G. Percival, ‘Consumption’ (1823), ll. 2–4. 39. Counsels and Cautions … City-road: Not identifi ed. 40. Mrs Warren: Mrs Eliza Warren (1810–1900), an author on aspects of household man-

agement. See E. Warren and M. M. Pullen, Treasures in Needlework (London: Ward & Lock, 1855).

41. Miss Arabella Goddard: a concert pianist (1836–1922) who made her formal debut in 1853.

42. Taglioni: Marie Taglioni (1804–84), a ballet dancer. 43. Lind: Jenny Lind (1820–87), an opera singer. 44. Zenobia: a third-century queen in Roman Syria, reputed to be beautiful and intelligent. 45. Desdemona: Th e principal female character in Shakespeare’s Othello ([c. 1601–4]), who

continues to proclaim her love for her husband despite his unfounded suspicions of her adultery.

46. Joan of Arc: Th e French folk heroine of the Hundred Years War. Joan of Arc (1412–31) was not canonized at the time of this publication; she was beatifi ed in 1909 and canon-ized in 1920.

47. Sappho: the ancient Greek poet born on the Island of Lesbos. 48. Stael: Anna Louise Germaine de Staël (1766–1817), an author. 49. Angelo: the artist Michaelangelo (1475–1564).50. Newton: Isaac Newton (1642–1727), the physicist, mathematician and astronomer. 51. Macaulay: Th omas Babington Macaulay (1800–59), poet, historian, politician and

essayist. 52. Mungo Park: an explorer (1771–1806).53. Crichton: James Crichton (1560–82), the Scottish polymath. 54. Jezebel: a ninth-century bc princess associated with false prophets and a love of fi nery

and cosmetics. 55. Bloody Mary: a reference to Mary Tudor (1516–58), who acquired this sobriquet on

account of the number of Protestant persecutions she ordered. 56. Queen Victoria: obviously a reference to the good queen of England at the time of publica-

tion but also an acknowledgement of the popular image of Queen Victoria (1837–1901) as a loyal, middle-class wife.

57. Pharisees: a reference to the people oft en depicted in confl ict with John the Baptist and Christ in the New Testament.

58. His spirit may … body: Th is sentence references the last judgement. See 2 Corinthians, 5:10.

59. Prov. xix. 14: Proverbs 19:14. 60. Th ou shalt guide me…glory: Psalms 73: 24 12, 50 and 73–83. 61. Asaph: refers to the author of twelve Psalms, numbers fi ft y and seventy-three to eighty-

three. 62. Like as a father … Him: Psalm 103:13.

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Notes to pages 101–10 385

63. He never, never … Him: adapted from the hymn by Charles Wesley (1707–88), ‘Th ou never, never wilt forsake / A helpless worm that trusts in thee.’ See Hymns for Use in the Methodist Episcopal Chapel (London: Lane & Scott, 1840), pp. 528–9.

64. Leave to his sovereign … hand: from a hymn by John Wesley (1703–91). See Church Pas-torals, Hymns and Tunes for Public and Social Worship (Boston, MA: Ticknor & Fields, 1864), p. 224.

Claughton, Th e Duty of Fathers Concerning the Education of their Children

1. bone of your bone … fl esh: Genesis 2:23.2. provoking their children to wrath: Ephesians 6:4. 3. He will command … days: Genesis 18:19. Abraham was the fi rst patriarch of Israel; his

name means ‘father of many nations’. 4. Speak Lord … heareth: the quotation is from 1 Samuel 3: 9 –10 and relates to God’s call

to the boy Samuel. Although deviating from the passages relating to Abraham, the story is relevant to Claughton’s text as it relates God’s anger and foretells his punishment of Eli for failing to restrain his sons from their ‘vile’ actions.

5. Behold him, bringing … well-beloved: Th e story referred to is that God commanded Abra-ham and his household to leave their home for a new land, whereupon he promised Abraham’s descendents many lands. When Abraham’s apparently barren wife bore a son in accordance with God’s prophecy, they named him Isaac, meaning ‘laughter’. During Isaac’s childhood, God commanded Abraham to sacrifi ce his son. Abraham obeyed God, but just before he killed his son, an angel appeared to Abraham and he was able to exchange his son for a ram. Having tested Abraham’s obedience, God rewarded him. See Genesis, chapters 21 and 22.

6. Get thee out … house: Genesis 12:1.7. One that shall … be: Paraphrased from Genesis 15:4–5. 8. It came to pass … Isaac: Genesis 25:11. 9. By all this … worse: a quotation appropriated from Mark 5:26. Th e chapter relates two

of Christ’s miracles. First, a woman who has bled for twelve years and suff ered much touches the hem of Christ’s robe and is healed of her plague; secondly, Christ raises Jai-rus’s daughter from the dead. Th e particular quotation is adapted from reference to the plague-ridden woman’s worsening state despite trying many remedies; it is only her faith in Christ that heals her.

10. We are educating … bettered: Claughton may be referring generally to a sense of social and political anxiety, but it is worth noting that the early 1860s experienced a ‘cotton famine’ that caused unrest, notably riots in Stalybridge, a town near Manchester, and acute poverty across the industrial north west of England; this was directly related to the outbreak of the American civil war (although cotton workers in Manchester overwhelm-ingly supported the north throughout the confl ict). Of course, working-class people were agitating for the extension of the franchise too.

11. Elias: also known as Elijah, from the Books of Kings. Claughton is referring to under-standings of Elijah as a harbinger of the Messiah.

12. As for me … Lord: from Joshua 24:15.

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'How to Choose a Wife' from British Family Life, 1780–1914

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