I’m sure you’ve heard this saying.

While we know, of course, that men and women both originate from Planet

Earth, in some ways the “Mars and Venus” idea isn’t actually that far off.

This is especially true in regards to the way we communicate with each

other.

So what, exactly, are these differences? And how can you understand and

use these differences to your advantage, to make your relationship with

your partner stronger, more loving, and more open and honest?

This is the central question that we’re going to solve in this book. But first, I

want to identify the distinct characteristics of male and female

communication.

I’m sure you’ve experienced the scenario where you’re talking to a man

who seems to be focusing on the wrong subject in the conversation, or not

understanding what you’re actually saying to him, and offering his own

version of events.

You wonder how he can take such a different approach to a discussion that

you and your girlfriends would be breezing through without a problem.

These are the symptoms of the classic communication difficulties many

women experience every

day with strangers, friends, boyfriends, coworkers, or even husbands.

One big difference between female and male communication is the fact

that women generally see talking as a means for social fulfillment—of

enjoying the company of another person, even if nothing in particular is

being said. A woman paints a picture that includes all the details—however

irrelevant—looking for someone to listen and understand what she is

feeling.

On the other hand, when men talk, they’re mainly looking to convey and

obtain information. They tend to “get to the point.”

If they’re looking to resolve a problem, they’ve already prepared their main

talking points before they say anything. Men generally don’t include a lot

of unnecessary details or go off on tangents, until they’ve resolved the

question or problem that is on their mind.

When women talk amongst themselves, there is usually no problem. They

communicate in a similar way and know what to expect from each other.

But when it’s a conversation between a man and a woman that are in a

Relationship, the wires can get crossed. Especially when it involves a

woman talking to a man about a problem she is having.

Women have a need to vent their emotions, when they start talking about a

problem, oftentimes it’s not because they want their man to provide a

solution. It’s because they want to vent, express their feelings, and be

heard.

Most men don’t understand this. They jump in and try to lecture her on

how she should handle the problem, or they chastise her for “making a

mountain out of a molehill,” and this leads to a fight…

When really, what he ought to do is recognize her need to be heard, and

just be supportive in letting her vent her feelings.

To help visualize and understand these differences in a relatable scenario,

let’s look at the following example:

Clarissa faces a recurring annoyance in her daily office routine. Each

morning, without fail, an annoying coworker pops her head through her

door and asks how her morning is going.

Then, without being invited, this coworker enters Clarissa’s office to chat

about her various problems and complain about things going on at the

office.

Rain or shine, well rested or tired and grumpy, Clarissa is obliged to have

this irritating conversation, day in and day out. It has become something

she dreads every morning, and something she can’t escape.

But Clarissa doesn’t want to cause any drama or unease in the office, so she

resolves to just accept the situation.

One especially stressful morning, the usual morning chat takes place and

for some reason, it bothers her more than most other days. Clarissa gets

home and decides that she needs to vent to her boyfriend Dave.

To Dave, it sounds like a problem to be solved. As Clarissa explains (in great

detail) how annoying her co-worker is, Dave cuts her off in mid-rant and

tells her exactly what she should say if it happens again tomorrow morning:

“Listen, I don’t want to be rude, but I need my time in the

mornings to get organized for the day ahead. If you want to talk we

should schedule a

time to have lunch this week.”

This seems like a logical solution to Dave. But it’s not what Clarissa wants to

hear! She isn’t going to stand for being lectured by someone who has no

idea how she feels, who isn’t even listening to her.

And so, this results in a blowout argument. Dave feels frustrated and

insulted that Clarissa never takes his advice. Clarissa is upset that Dave

interrupted her, and instead of listening to her and being supportive, he

started TELLING her what to do.

By failing to recognize her plea for support

and instead trying to “solve a problem,” Dave

didn’t provide her with the emotional

support she needed. Instead, it turned into a

fight that seemed to erupt out of nowhere.

Arguments like these are frequently the result of a breakdown in

communication. This is something many couples experience on a daily

basis.

While there may not have been anything objectionable that should have

caused a fall-out, the breakdown of communication causes frustration,

which blossoms into conflict.

Work-related stress is one large source of these kinds of situations. And in

many cases, problems at your work are not things that can be “solved” by

talking to your significant other.

It’s something you just need to put up with in order to keep your job. And

for women, especially, this means they’re going to want to vent, and

express pent-up frustrations, at home.

Getting to the root of these communication issues, and isolating them

before they develop, is a key to enabling harmony in a relationship.

Most studies on the linguistics of men and women have shown that men

see conversations as a way to “resolve” differences or problems.

But women see conversations as a form of companionship, where the act of

discussing something is the goal of the conversation, rather than a way to

fix the problem and put it to bed.

This is apparent in a lot of day-to-day encounters and conversational

situations that arise at work or at home between men and women.

The earlier example of the couple talking about an “annoying coworker”

also highlights the disparity between how men and women typically

approach a conversation.

In the following scenario, a man and a woman each answer the same

question from their partner about the exact same day. See if you can

identify which was said by a man, and which was said by a woman:

“I had a tough day…Ryan was late with the files, again. I didn’t get them

until half past two and by the time I’d finished, there were two more stacks

on my desk! I’ve been doing the work of three people lately. Do you think I

should bring this up with the head office, or should I just get the work done

and hope somebody notices and bumps up my pay?”

Now here’s a variation on the same little speech:

“I had a rough day…I spent most of it doing other people’s work for them.

Especially Mary Kate. She would have been fired a long time ago if the boss

didn’t enjoy looking at her gigantic boobs...”

“Anyway, the work just piled up and up

and up! I got it all done though around 2,

just in time to see Mary Kate walk in late

from another one of her two-hour lunch

breaks. And she was with that bitch Tina,

who is pregnant AGAIN and I’m not even

sure if

she knows who the father is.”

“My day had to have WAY been worse than your day…so, what do you

think—do I deserve higher pay since I’m picking up the slack for everyone

else?”

“They ought to pay me more than Mary Kate, that’s for sure. Did I tell you

what she said to me the other day in the ladies room? Oh, wait until you

hear THIS…”

Looking at these two examples, it should be pretty obvious which story was

spoken by a man, and which was said by a woman.

In the first example, the husband is telling his

wife about his day. He covered the main

important details to outline his experiences,

then ended with a question, to get his wife’s

opinion on whether he should seek a raise.

The story focuses on the main details, noting the challenges that must be

overcome, and seeking a solution.

He is hoping and expecting for his wife to sympathize with his day and

offer him a solution to his problem, providing both emotional and objective

support.

The second example was the woman telling her husband about her day.

While also giving objective details, this version is far more embellished, with

emphasis on painting a picture that more represents how she feels about

the day, rather than the objective facts of the day.

Although she slips in a question about whether she should ask for a raise,

the main purpose of this story isn’t to arrive at a “solution.” It’s to express

her feelings, be listened to, and to have her husband agree with everything

she is saying.

Now, it’s important to understand that neither approach is WRONG. I’m

simply pointing out these differences, because they will help you to apply

the communication techniques you’ll be learning in later chapters.

When you talk to men, you should also be mindful of the volume and tone

of your speech. Men tend to take volume and tone very seriously, especially

compared to the way a woman would regard tone and volume.

When men hear a raised voice, they tend to

think they’re being criticized or chastised. To

them, they are being talked down to and in

some cases, feel as if a raised voice or

emphasized tone is directly aggressive,

whatever the context.

Even if this is only a subconscious reaction, it still dictates his attitude

towards the conversation and may make him tense and defensive, leading

to a woman perceiving him as being uninterested in what she has to say.

To men, being talked over is usually seen as a challenge, which is not how

you want to come across if you want to have an engaging and meaningful

conversation.

Speaking more softly and evenly goes a long way towards lowering any

perceived barriers that may arise in a conversation.

Few men will openly admit this, but it is a crucial factor that should not be

underestimated.

The ways in which men and women communicate are not only verbal—they

are physical.

Recognizing signs of male and female body language, understanding what

they mean, and adjusting your own verbal language and body language

accordingly, will go a great way towards making him feel calm and

comfortable with you.

The body language a woman exhibits in conversations differs greatly from

that of a man’s, and each sex interprets the other’s body language in

different ways.

A typical conversation between two enthusiastic women will usually look

something like this:

Both women will usually be sitting up straight and will most likely be

intently facing each other, making regular eye contact and emotively

gesturing with visual indicators such as head movement or hand

movement.

Two men engaged in deep conversation will usually look something like

this:

Both men will be in a slouched position,

likely not directly facing each other and

making irregular eye contact. Some gestures

will be made, but these will usually be

indicative hand movement, very rarely

excessive head movement.

When you put a man and a woman together, the differences in body

language become clear.

Generally, the body language of each sex opposes each other, where a man

exhibiting body language typical of a female would come across as

aggressive and overbearing to another male, while the typical male body

language to a woman would seem uninterested and rude.

From these examples, you can very easily see how male and female

strangers may exhibit conflicting body language, resulting in an

uncomfortable conversation for both parties.

The key is to understand and recognize that seemingly uninterested body

language from a male, where he seems slouched and distant, is in reality an

indication that he is very comfortable with talking to you.

Male body language you should look out for, as a bad sign, is if he seems

tense or closed-off from you. This is a fairly clear and un-mistakable sign

that he does not want to continue the conversation or is finding it

uncomfortable.

Understanding and mastering the subtleties and differences in male-female

communication is what makes the difference between women who go

through life seemingly unable to really “mesh” with the right guy, and those

women that seem to be blessed with wonderful, lasting relationships.

These women are naturally gifted with an intuition that makes them much

more approachable and seem so much more interesting to men.

But there is no truly “perfect” model for a

relationship, as each person has unique

traits. Some of these traits might get on

your nerves sometimes. But part of enjoying

a stable relationship is identifying and

adapting to them.

Whether you’re in a wonderful new relationship and want to ensure the

magic persists, or you’re married and having issues connecting like you

used to, or you’re still looking for that right guy, your approach and

understanding to communication needs to be dynamic and it can ALWAYS

be improved.

The way couples communicate in relationships vastly differs from the way

you would try to engage a stranger in conversation.

While you’re trying your hardest to understand the subtleties of a bar

conversation with a cute new guy, a married wife is desperately seeking

acknowledgement from a seemingly uninterested husband.

Problems in male-female communication prevail in all walks of life, and

even exist in relationships where both parties believe they pretty much “get

along.”

But will these relationships stand the test of time?

With the information you’re going to acquire in this book, you’ll never have

to stumble though a conversation with a man again, wondering what he

really means, or if he is actually listening to you.

You can avoid using language that men

usually misread or react badly too, while

slipping in language that connects with

men on an emotional level.

Your conversations will go much more smoothly, you will come across as

more pleasant and reasonable, and you will be able to “speak his language”

in a way that he’s never felt with another woman.