Improving Interpersonal Improving Interpersonal Communication SkillsCommunication Skills

Lic. Mariana PortaLic. Mariana Porta

• The concept of communication has The concept of communication has evolved throughout the yearsevolved throughout the years..

Approaches to interpersonal Approaches to interpersonal communication: brief backgroundcommunication: brief background

Person 1 Person 1

SENDER RECEIVER

NOISE

MESSAGE

CODE

SPEAKERSPEAKER

PARTICIPANT PARTICIPANT

TEXT GENRE

FEEDBACK

PERSONALITY

CONSCIOUS/UNCON.

SETTING OR CONTEXT

SIGNS

INTERPRETERINTERPERTER

PERSONALITY

CONSCIOUS/UNCON.

Transmission Models

Linguistic Models Psycho-social Models InterlocutiveModels

1949 1962 1971 1986

reception production

interpretation of a message

elaboration of a message

context of reception

A DISCOURSE APPROACH TO LANGUAGE

context of production

Speaking and writing

Listening and reading

Task: Task: • Think of someone you would like to improve interpersonal Think of someone you would like to improve interpersonal

communication with in your work environment. It should be communication with in your work environment. It should be someone you interact with on a regular basis.someone you interact with on a regular basis.

• 1. What kind of work relationship do you have with this 1. What kind of work relationship do you have with this person: cooperation, interdependence, independence?person: cooperation, interdependence, independence?

• 2. Did/do you have the option of working with him/her?2. Did/do you have the option of working with him/her?• 3. Has there been any conflict with this person?3. Has there been any conflict with this person?• 4. What’s the history behind this relationship?4. What’s the history behind this relationship?• 5. Do you feel any form of affection for him/her?5. Do you feel any form of affection for him/her?• 6. Who has the power in this relationship?6. Who has the power in this relationship?• 7. What are the positive traits you see in this person?7. What are the positive traits you see in this person?• 8. What are the negative traits you see in this person?8. What are the negative traits you see in this person?• 9. Will you have to interact with each other for a long time?9. Will you have to interact with each other for a long time?• 10. How much impact could he/she have in your present or 10. How much impact could he/she have in your present or

future career?future career?

Consider each communication event as a pearl in a necklace.

• emailemail• phone callphone call

• one on one meetingone on one meeting• teamworkteamwork

• notenote• faxfax

• talk at lunch breaktalk at lunch break• online chatonline chat

• group meetinggroup meeting

synchronous and asynchronous

Align the horizon

Participate in the interaction

Learn from the experience

A model for interpersonal communication

““Pre” Setting the groundPre” Setting the ground

• 11. What kind of work relationship do you have . What kind of work relationship do you have with this person: cooperation, interdependence, with this person: cooperation, interdependence, independence?independence?

• 22. Did/do you have the option of working with . Did/do you have the option of working with him/her?him/her?

• 66. Who has the power in this relationship?. Who has the power in this relationship?• 99. Will you have to interact with each other for a . Will you have to interact with each other for a

long time?long time?• 1010. How much impact could he/she have in your . How much impact could he/she have in your

present or future career?present or future career?

““Pre” Some historyPre” Some history

• 33. Has there been any conflict with this . Has there been any conflict with this person?person?

• 44. What’s the history behind this . What’s the history behind this relationship?relationship?

““Pre” What do we have in Pre” What do we have in common?common?

• 55. Do you feel any form of affection for . Do you feel any form of affection for him/her?him/her?

• 77. What are the positive traits you see in . What are the positive traits you see in this person?this person?

• 88. What are the negative traits you see in . What are the negative traits you see in this person?this person?

AttitudeAttitude

Airplane pilots often use "attitude" to describe their horizontal relationship with the runway when they land. If their attitude isn’t aligned properly, the plane will make contact with the ground at the wrong angle and it will cause them to crash.

STAGE FOCUS STRATEGY

Pre ALIGN THE HORIZON

Reflect upon the situation.Set reasonable expectations.Make the right choices of timing and channel.

Attitude Memory: Associate, elaborate, use imagery.

Cognitive: Analyze and reason.

Compensation: Guess intelligently.

Metacognitive: Arrange and plan. Set goals and objectives.

Affective: Lower anxiety. Encourage yourself

Social: Develop understanding of the situation.

TaskTask

• You are in a queue at the movie theater. Somebody You are in a queue at the movie theater. Somebody comes in and jumps the queue right in front of you. comes in and jumps the queue right in front of you. What do you choose to do?What do you choose to do?

1.1. Nothing. You just bear it.Nothing. You just bear it.2.2. Vent comments out loud such as “… some people are such/so Vent comments out loud such as “… some people are such/so

….” but you don’t face the person.….” but you don’t face the person.3.3. Face the guy bluntly and furiously, after all who does he think Face the guy bluntly and furiously, after all who does he think

he is?! he is?! 4.4. Approach the man and politely but firmly tell him that he Approach the man and politely but firmly tell him that he

should take his turn at the end of the line.should take his turn at the end of the line.5.5. Other …Other …

ASSERTIVENESS ASSERTIVENESS DEFINITIONDEFINITION

• Assertiveness is defined as Assertiveness is defined as behavior which enables people behavior which enables people to to actact in their own best in their own best interestinterest by expressing their by expressing their thoughts, feelings, desires and thoughts, feelings, desires and opinions opinions directly, honestly and directly, honestly and appropriatelyappropriately. .

BIDIRECTIONAL MODELBIDIRECTIONAL MODEL

ASSERTIVEASSERTIVE AGGRESSIVEAGGRESSIVE

PASSIVEPASSIVE PASSIVE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVEAGGRESSIVE

OVERT EXPRESSION

COVERT EXPRESSION

NO COERCION COERCION

-

+

+

““WhileWhile””

• Recognize patters of behavior.

BEHAVIOR PARAMETERS RIGHTSRESPECTED

PASSIVE Expression --Coercion --

Other people’s rights.

AGGRESSIVE Expression ++Coercion ++

Your rights

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE Expression --Coercion ++

None

ASSERTIVE Expression ++Coercion --

Your rights and other people’s rights

Task:Task:

• This chart (see your handbook) shows This chart (see your handbook) shows assertive behavior and alternative forms of assertive behavior and alternative forms of behavior based on the four quadrant behavior based on the four quadrant model. Classify the following examples of model. Classify the following examples of behavior in the right category: behavior in the right category: manipulation, humiliation, avoidance. manipulation, humiliation, avoidance. – Page … in your handbookPage … in your handbook

Task: Identify three very distinct parts in Task: Identify three very distinct parts in this fragment.this fragment.

"I've noticed that whenever we're preparing to go somewhere,"I've noticed that whenever we're preparing to go somewhere,you start rushing me to finish dressing as soon as you're readyyou start rushing me to finish dressing as soon as you're readyeven if it's not yet the time we had planned to leave. I know youeven if it's not yet the time we had planned to leave. I know youget anxious when you're all ready to go and I'm not, but whenget anxious when you're all ready to go and I'm not, but whenyou do that, I get all flustered and take even more time. By the time weyou do that, I get all flustered and take even more time. By the time weget in the car, we're mad at each other and not much in the mood toget in the car, we're mad at each other and not much in the mood tohave a good time. From now on, let's be sure we know what time wehave a good time. From now on, let's be sure we know what time wewant to leave, and if you're ready before I am, will you please just go towant to leave, and if you're ready before I am, will you please just go toanother room and read the paper or watch TV? From now on, if youanother room and read the paper or watch TV? From now on, if youcome into the bedroom or bathroom before it's time to leave and startcome into the bedroom or bathroom before it's time to leave and startasking me to hurry up, I'm just going to remind you of the time, ask youasking me to hurry up, I'm just going to remind you of the time, ask youto go to another room, and close the door until I'm ready. I know this isto go to another room, and close the door until I'm ready. I know this isgoing to seem weird at first, but I bet we'll enjoy our outings a lot moregoing to seem weird at first, but I bet we'll enjoy our outings a lot moreover the long run."over the long run."

• http://www.uiowa.edu/%7Eucs/asertcom.htmlhttp://www.uiowa.edu/%7Eucs/asertcom.html

• "I've noticed that"I've noticed that whenever we're preparing to go whenever we're preparing to go somewhere, you start rushing me to finish dressing as somewhere, you start rushing me to finish dressing as soon as you're ready, even if it's not yet the time we had soon as you're ready, even if it's not yet the time we had planned to leave. planned to leave. I know you get anxious when you're all I know you get anxious when you're all ready to go and I'm not,ready to go and I'm not, but when you do that, I get all but when you do that, I get all flustered and take even more time. By the time we get in flustered and take even more time. By the time we get in the car, we're mad at each other and not much in the the car, we're mad at each other and not much in the mood to have a good time.mood to have a good time. From now onFrom now on, let's be sure , let's be sure we know what time we want to leave, and if you're ready we know what time we want to leave, and if you're ready before I am, will you please just go to another room and before I am, will you please just go to another room and read the paper or watch TV? From now on, if you come read the paper or watch TV? From now on, if you come into the bedroom or bathroom before it's time to leave into the bedroom or bathroom before it's time to leave and start asking me to hurry up, I'm just going to remind and start asking me to hurry up, I'm just going to remind you of the time, ask you to go to another room, and close you of the time, ask you to go to another room, and close the door until I'm ready. I know this is going to seem the door until I'm ready. I know this is going to seem weird at first, but I bet we'll enjoy our outings a lot more weird at first, but I bet we'll enjoy our outings a lot more over the long run."over the long run."

• http://www.uiowa.edu/%7Eucs/asertcom.htmlhttp://www.uiowa.edu/%7Eucs/asertcom.html

““While” While” Apply a variety of techniques to

communicate 1. the art of listening1. the art of listening

• Act like a good listener. Adopt the physical body Act like a good listener. Adopt the physical body language of a receiver.language of a receiver.

• Look at the other person. Look at the other person. • React to the speaker by sending out non-verbal signals. React to the speaker by sending out non-verbal signals. • Stop talking and use receptive language instead. Use the Stop talking and use receptive language instead. Use the

I see . . . un hunh . . . oh really! I see . . . un hunh . . . oh really! • Concentrate on what the speaker is saying, skip over Concentrate on what the speaker is saying, skip over

delivery errors and fight distractions.delivery errors and fight distractions.• Listen between the lines to tones of voice.Listen between the lines to tones of voice.• Observe.Observe.

• Message pacing Message pacing and chunkingand chunking

• Expressing Expressing conversational conversational intent:intent:– ““Uh...Maria, do you Uh...Maria, do you

have a minute? have a minute? Right now I’d like to Right now I’d like to talk to you about... Is talk to you about... Is that OK?”that OK?”

““While” While” Apply a variety of techniques to communicate

2. the art of speaking and more …2. the art of speaking and more …

Non verbal Non verbal components:components:

VocalicsVocalicsKinesicsKinesics

ProxemicsProxemicsArtifactsArtifactsTouchTouchSmellSmell

““While” While” 3. the art of conflict prevention: 3. the art of conflict prevention: What are fire starters?What are fire starters?

• Person centered comments and past centered Person centered comments and past centered commentscomments

• Inappropriate reassurance and inappropriate Inappropriate reassurance and inappropriate positive thinkingpositive thinking

• Histrionic behavior (overdramatization)Histrionic behavior (overdramatization)• Guilt induction and blaming commentsGuilt induction and blaming comments• Kitchen sinkingKitchen sinking• Infallibility commentsInfallibility comments• OverapologizingOverapologizing

While PARTICIPATE IN THE INTERACTION

Use your resources: apply a variety of techniques to communicate.Make choices. Stay focused.Monitor

Perf. Cognitive: Practice techniques. Recognize patters of behavior. Create structure for your input and output.

Compensation: Overcome limitations in communication skills. Guess intelligently.

Metacognitive: Self monitor. Delay speech production to focus on listening.

Affective: Take risks wisely. Take your emotional temperature.

Social: Ask questions. Cooperate. Empathize.

STAGE FOCUS STRATEGY

To rememberTo remember

• Hostile communication causes inaccuracies.Hostile communication causes inaccuracies.

• Hostile communication triggers defensive mechanisms.Hostile communication triggers defensive mechanisms.

• An important sending skill is knowing how to favor An important sending skill is knowing how to favor disarming language over arming language. disarming language over arming language.

• The latter selects more forceful over more moderate The latter selects more forceful over more moderate words, uses statements rather than questions and when words, uses statements rather than questions and when spoken, is usually accompanied by hostile intonations, spoken, is usually accompanied by hostile intonations, pauses and other nonverbal messages that convey pauses and other nonverbal messages that convey hostile feeling. hostile feeling.

““Post”Post”

Reflect upon the interaction

Empathy requires that you suspend judgment Empathy requires that you suspend judgment of another's actions or reactions, while you of another's actions or reactions, while you try to understand them. Sometimes, this will try to understand them. Sometimes, this will mean reading between the lines of mean reading between the lines of statements made, and almost always it will statements made, and almost always it will involve gentle questioning and probing, to involve gentle questioning and probing, to clarify what is going on. The goal here, again clarify what is going on. The goal here, again is to UNDERSTAND, and not judge. is to UNDERSTAND, and not judge.

Robert BacalRobert Bacal.

““Post”Post”

CycleCycle

analyze evaluate

Revise modelChange and adjust expectations

Post LEARN FROM IT

Reflect upon the interaction.

Follow up

Cognitive: Analyze, summarize, and take mental notes.

Memory: Review well.

Cognitive: Analyze and reason.

Metacognitive: Evaluate your learning. Link with already known material.

Affective: Reward yourself. Discuss your feelings with someone else.

Social: Empathize. Become aware of the other’s thoughts and feelings.

STAGE FOCUS STRATEGY

TEN TIPSTEN TIPS1.1. Set the ground for communication and align your horizon. Work Set the ground for communication and align your horizon. Work

on your attitude. on your attitude. 2.2. Have reasonable expectations.Have reasonable expectations.3.3. Make the right choices of timing and channel.Make the right choices of timing and channel.4.4. While interacting, use your resources. Apply a variety of While interacting, use your resources. Apply a variety of

techniques to communication: message pacing and chunking, techniques to communication: message pacing and chunking, expressing conversational intent.expressing conversational intent.

5.5. Consider the nonverbal aspect of communication: vocalics, Consider the nonverbal aspect of communication: vocalics, proxemics, kinesics, touch and artifacts. proxemics, kinesics, touch and artifacts.

6.6. Be the best listener you can be. Be an active and responsive Be the best listener you can be. Be an active and responsive listener. listener.

7.7. Avoid “fire starters” such as hot words, overdramatization, guilt Avoid “fire starters” such as hot words, overdramatization, guilt induction, blaming, person and past centered comments.induction, blaming, person and past centered comments.

8.8. Choose to behave assertively. Avoid aggressive and passive-Choose to behave assertively. Avoid aggressive and passive-aggressive behavior.aggressive behavior.

9.9. Stay focused and monitor. Take your emotional temperature.Stay focused and monitor. Take your emotional temperature.10.10. Reflect upon the interaction and get ready to keep developing the Reflect upon the interaction and get ready to keep developing the

realtionship. Be ready to change and keep exploring.realtionship. Be ready to change and keep exploring.

THANK YOU!THANK YOU!

• mporta_901@alianza.edu.uymporta_901@alianza.edu.uy• http://eflprofessionals.blogspot.comhttp://eflprofessionals.blogspot.com