Young and bewitching, Rozzlin Pereira of Bandra, Mumbai wears many hats. She's writer, anchor/presenter, dancer & actor with a f a n f o l l o w i n g a c r o s s cont inents. Rozzl in hosts her YouTube Channel, Rozzcity and uploads a new episode every Monday. Rozzlin's language is comedy. With more than a 100 episodes beaming across the globe, she plays the protagonist, the endearing and out spoken Aunty Maggy. Rozzlin's Aunty Maggy captures the drama of everyday life, celebrates life's little moments, and brings under the scanner, the social system and its follies. Aunty Maggy has stolen into hearts and homes in the most unusual way – Humour -- at its best. Femnet International is happy to get up close with Aunty Maggy.

Rozzcity is a YouTube channel you launched; tell us about the challenges and how you've dared to drive this initiative solo?

The creative part was challenging but fun. Sometimes I struggled with fresh ideas as it felt like every topic has been explored. But that wasn't the hard part. It was my technological ineptness that proved to be the real challenge. The Digi-world is not second nature to me. There are so many small details involved. I didn't know about thumbnails, key-words and end slates so I had to learn from basics… through trial and error. I edited my own videos with I-movie on my MacBook for the first six months and sometimes if my laptop crashed or the software didn't sync, I'd get overwhelmed. But despite the obstacles, I got full support from some very generous friends who took on the makeup & shoots and gave me tonnes of their precious time for free. So here's a shout out to these lovelies without whom Aunty Maggy wouldn't exist -- Abheet Gidwani, Pallavi Symons and Adhuna Akhtar.

Social media has become mainstream. What you are doing is epic. Tell us how you zero in on your themes.

I wanted my Aunty Maggy episodes to be easy to relate with. So, that's how I pick my themes. Inspiration comes from situations I have either faced or seen my mother or aunts in for e.g. a worried mother whose son is out late or driving too fast or a frustrated citizen who doesn't get an auto rickshaw or has to walk on pot hole ridden roads. My viewers find her political in-correctness refreshing and real. I try to ensure that there's always a feel good factor or a subtle underlying message.

Your favourite episode and why?

I have a few favourites so it's very hard to pick one. Each one is so unique with unique storyboards, different guest actors or kind of comedy that brings a different flavor. But if I had to pick one, I love the 'Lost in Translation' episode,

In Conversation with...

Rozzlin Pereira

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Search& You will Find

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arch& You shall Find

The Art of Listening

My Exper-ience with Religion & Riots

Celebrating Mungaru at Bu Da Angalibail

The Wonderof my GrandParents

Every Teachermust first be a Mum or Dad

Dear Readers!

FEMNET International, here we come! Our new name and look! With this contemporary, visually engaging appearance, we hope to open up participation to a wider audience from a worldwide community of women. Look forward to new columns and value adds that underscore our mission - Connect. Inspire. Empower. For free subscription to FEMNET, a bi-monthly Issue, please log on to

September and October are exciting months of the year, ushering in a season of celebration. In India, we've celebrated harvest in its many avatars. Diwali, in October will bring in light and many sweet moments. In the Western continents, many countries celebrate Thanksgiving, once again, blessings of a good harvest. This points us to the universality of human traditions. Love and gratitude…that is core to cultures, countries and civilizations.

In this issue of FEMNET we're In Conversation with the enigmatic & bewitching Rozzlin Pereira, who has launched her own YouTube Channel Rozzcity – that brings alive her alter ego Aunt Maggy. In addition to our regular columns, we have diverse perspectives covering Social Typing, Teachers' Day contemplations, Harvest experiences and more from our writers; three of them being first time contributors.

We at FEMNET are delighted to unveil our new look with this Issue and our updated webpage. In the run up to Christmas, we invite you to send in your contributions relevant to the season or otherwise. Keep writing in, to connect, inspire & empower and widen our network.

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IN THISI S S U E

ISSUE 63 I PAGE 1SEP-OCT 2017

AttitudesSe

femnet.goanet.org

which featured a character called Omanakutti played by friend Pallavi Symons. It was a simple scene of women from two communities sharing recipes with their quirky accents. You just can't miss the undertone of mutual warmth and friendship these two neighbours share. It's a reflection of the kind of India we should have, where we all l i ve in peace, harmony & understanding…where diversity becomes the spice of life. You laugh at Aunty Maggy and Omanakuttis antics but are left with a very good feeling about people. Things can be that simple if we let them.

How have you dealt with skeptics and criticism, if any?

Oh Yes! A few people felt something like this would be portraying the Catholic community in poor light or stereotyping them with the constant use of “men” or “bugger” in conversation. While that is true, there is definitely a certain percentage that does use the 'typical', I thought why shy away from giving it my own spin and keeping it alive for nostalgia's sake. Secondly, I was very clear that this character was going to be more than the funny lingo … I was going to tell stories and show you scenes from Maggy's day- to- day life, the perspective of a simple woman trying to grapple and make sense of everything happening in this day and age -- teenagers, distressed jeans, or social media; that juxtaposition is what makes this series interesting.

I kept a keen ear out for genuine constructive criticism; I turned a deaf ear to anyone who tried to discourage me. Your instincts will always tell you if someone is a well wisher and if their words should hold any weight. Once you're sure about what your own benchmarks are, you won't try to comply. I decided I would give it my best and see how it goes. I braced myself for the worst and prepared myself to gracefully cut my losses and bow out if it didn't work.

What fuels your creativity?

Things I feel passionate about. When I feel strongly about something, then I need to channel that into my creative expression. My play 'He says She Says' was

born because I was dealing with a lot in my relationship, then. I had so many observations on the patterns we have as men and women and all of those made their way into my play. The play ran to full houses and standing ovations. That was very encouraging. Likewise in my YouTube series, when I see people using the roads as public toilets or littering or family politics, they become topics I want to address and they manifest as episodes in Aunty Maggy. I'd like to think my work promotes some level of change in society and to mindsets … to whatever degree possible.

Who, what was your inspiration and do you have bigger plans?

This series is inspired by and is my humble tribute to the simple n a t u r e d a u n t i e s f r o m a l l communities who have strong values and are still adapting with aplomb to the massive changes they are witnessing to this day. The love and advice they gave us, the environment they created and their unwavering spirit is what Aunty Maggy is all about.

What's life without dreams? I have written a film script based on football and set in Goa, which I am hoping gets made in the near future. I have many other script ideas floating in my head that I need to get cracking on and I want to write more plays and even attempt a one-person comedy show that I write, direct and enact myself.

What do you consider is Aunt Maggy's biggest opportunity?

Aunty Maggy is someone you can relate with and real. She owns up to her flaws, failures and emotional outbursts and that's what is most refreshing about her. In a world that is increasingly fake and image consc ious , Aun ty Maggy ' s presence is comforting and reminds you to be yourself no matter what. When I get feedback from viewers as far as New Jersey, Portugal and Toronto telling me my videos make them feel better when they're ill, gets them through lonely days and makes them laugh on the toughest days… I know I'm on to a good thing and a higher purpose is playing out through this simple warm aunty with old school values and a big mouth.

My Aunty Maggy series has recently been rented for the inflight entertainment options on Jet Airways and I am thrilled that Aunty Maggy is now flying high and reaching new audiences from all over the world. So don't forget to catch a few episodes on your next Jet flight to anywhere.

Is stage or YouTube your preferred medium?

I've always loved the stage because it's live and exhilarating. You only get one shot to connect with the audience. Having said that, with online and digital platforms, you reach way more people across the globe. Audiences can view your content in the comfort of their homes and at their convenience and repeatedly as well. So, from a practical point of view I'd pick YouTube, but from a personal satisfaction point of view, I'd have to say stage.

Tell us how we can subscribe?

All you have to do is log into the Internet and once you're on YouTube, key in Rozzcity or Aunty Maggy in the search bar. Once on my channel page, there will be a red subscribe button, click on it, enter your name and email address and that's it, you will get updates on your mail, every time a new video is uploaded…can be done on your phone too.

ISSUE 63 I PAGE 2

ISSUE 63 I PAGE 3

Elizabeth Yorke, Bangalore

Elizabeth Yorke is a professional cook who is curious about all things edible in and out of the kitchen. She i s c u r r e n t l y w o r k i n g o n understanding Indian food culture and the developing food system. She also spends a lot of time baking bread.

Mungaru, celebrating the monsoon took me off Google Maps and to Angadibail, a forest area at the foothills of the Western Ghats. It was a thrilling three days of paddy transplanting, bathing in streams, no cellular network, no electricity, bath products and toiletries made with forest finds, foraging for food and tasting new ingredients and meeting very interesting people.

There are more than 100,000 distinct varieties of rice around the world. India produces 90 million tonnes of rice each year and in Asia a majority of rice fields are manually transplanted which would require about 25 to 30 person hours for one hectare. On an average an Indian would consume 68.2 kg milled rice per year. How many of us actually are thinking where this lovely soft matter comes from when it's steaming hot on our plate beckoning a flavourful curry or even a teaspoon of ghee to make a

together the feeling of breathing and living that lush green cover and the joy of community in the field, forest and kitchen. Fortunately Savita hos ts th ree fes t i va ls year round — Kokum harvest in summer, Jaggery festival in February and Mungaru in August. I just can't wait to go back. The forest in Mungaru has so much to offer.

(BuDa Folklore is the outcome of three decades of intense fieldwork and research related to the folk cul ture of Uttara Kannada. Elizabeth Yorke took the plunge and decided to get to the root of this staple across cul tures and civilizations, the humble but noble rice grain – the taste of home.)

Celebrating Mungaru at BuDa Angadibail

Attitudes - Words…don't come easy!

How often have you heard this introduction to a speech? “I would like to thank so and so for their invaluable contribution, blah, blah…” To my mind the speaker has indicated a wish or a desire to thank the person. He is not actually thanking the person. Why not just get straight to the point and say “Thank You dear… for doing such and such”.

In similar vein, we tend to say, “I would like to offer my sympathies, condolences”, and words to that effect. Again, we are expressing a wish or desire to carry out an action. I'm thinking any better way to do it? “My deep sympathies are with

you…”

Then there's this new day, “How're you doing?” to which comes the reply, “I'm doing good!” Now should we attach any moral judgment to this answer, coz the opposite of good is bad!

To my mind the words most commonly misused are, 'Awesome' and 'Absolutely'. Yes! 'Awesome' can be used to describe a spectacular concert or musical event, sporting prowess on court or on track, a kid's genius, a scientific innovation, nature's glory in a waterfall or magical landscape of migrating animals. Those are truly 'awesome'! However, we've come

to relegate even the quite so ordinary, as awesome.

Now this is my absolute peeve! Noticed during any television debate, especially the political ones, the answer is almost preceded by 'Absolutely'. The interviewee then proceeds to give a series of answers, options, alternatives, that are definitely not absolute!

But then, this is my personal opinion. Like all fads, these terms will come and go. For me however, I'd like to mean what I say.

Betsy Pinto NunesFounder

satisfying meal?

At BuDa, Savita Uday is not just bringing an understanding of the growing of paddy, but the importance of land and seed preservation through the cultivation of folk rice varieties like halaga, ratnachuda, kempu-halaga and hegge. On day one we plucked the paddy from the roots (BuDa) and tied it in bunches. The following day using traditional farming methods, ploughs drawn by bulls we turned up topsoil, to bring nutrients to the surface and to sift out weeds. After which, we transplanted the paddy back into the soil.

Hands deep in the dirt, listening to the women sing to the plants and buda, some mud-slinging and kokum juice to cool down gave a new meaning to the simple staple rice — not just nourishing for the body but the stories of the hands that grow it through song, make it food for the soul.

We went one step further to celebrate and capitalize on the monsoon by making seed balls of kokum and soap nut and launching them into the forest and also planting around 30 kokum tree saplings in a small forest clearing.

No words or pictures could weave

ISSUE 63 I PAGE 4

Dr. Elaine Ann C h a r l e s - Mumbai

Dr. Mrs. Elaine Ann Charles has served in the field of Education for the past 55 years as a High School Teacher, Lecturer,

Vice Principal and Principal at St.Xavier’s Institute of Education, Mumbai. Currently as Educational C o n s u l t a n t , s h e c o n d u c t s Workshops for teachers and parents and prepares SSC and ICSE students to face their Board Exams with courage, confidence and success.She is the recipient of several awards including the Excellence Award in Education from the Christian Chamber of Commerce and Industry in September 2016.She enjoys writing, dramatics and music and has written and directed several plays and musicals.

Perhaps this is a story you have read, but for those that may not have…Mrs. Thompson entered the Sixth Grade class one Monday morning & began with her usual greeting, “Love you all”. Teddy, often with an unkempt appearance, however, was a student she disliked.

A few weeks later Mrs. Thompson handed in the progress reports of the students to the Principal for review. Every parent expected to see some progress at the end of the term. As Teddy's report did not reflect any positive hope, the Principal called for Mrs. Thompson to understand his case.

The Principal sent for Mrs. Thompson and told her that a Progress Report must indicate some progress on the part of the child and should make the parents feel that their child had a future before him or her. “The way you have written Teddy's Progress Report will make Teddy's parents give up on him”, he concluded.

“I am sorry,” replied Mrs. Thompson”, there is nothing I can do. I have no positive remark to make about Teddy”. It was then that the Principal went back to Teddy's IIIrd year report, which to their surprise read, “Teddy is the brightest child in the class”. The IVth grade report card indicated that Teddy's mother was suffering from terminal Cancer and was unable to

give Teddy the necessary attention. This was just beginning to show on Teddy's performance.

The Vth Grade Progress Report stated that Teddy had lost his mother and that he would require special care and attention. This brought about a paradigm shift in Mrs. Thompson's perception of Teddy. The love she now felt in her heart for Teddy was far greater than her feeling for the rest of the class. She began to focus on Teddy's strengths.

It was the last day of the school and all the children had brought 'Thank You' gifts for their teacher. Only one gift was wrapped in old newspaper and Mrs. Thompson instinctively knew it must be from Teddy. She opened it first and inside was a half-used perfume bottle and a bracelet, from which some stones had fallen. The children laughed because they knew it was from Teddy. Without saying a word, Mrs. Thompson sprayed some of the perfume on herself and put on the bracelet. With a shy smile Teddy said, “Now you smell like my mother!”

Years rolled by, Mrs. Thompson retired and Teddy lost contact. But with the help of some agents managed to trace Mrs. Thompson and hand her a letter, signed Dr. Theodore. Ph.D. Teddy had gone on to complete his doctorate. The letter read, “Mrs. Thompson, this is your Teddy. I am getting married, but I cannot dream of getting married without your presence”. Mrs. Thompson could not resist the invitation. She no longer had the perfume bottle but she wore the bracelet & went to the wedding.

She entered the church and was ushered to the front row with a placard marked “MOTHER”. Teddy personally came up to her and whispered, “You are the closest to the mother that I have ever experienced. What I am today is because of you, Ma'am”.

After the ceremony, Theodore introduced his new wife to Mrs. Thompson and said, “Without her I would not be where I am today”. There were tears in Theodore's eyes. Mrs. Thompson turned to the bride and said, “Without Teddy, I would never have realized that every teacher must first be a MOTHER”.

This true story beautifully illustrates

that every teacher must first be a Mum or a Dad to each one of their students and only then a teacher. What teachers can achieve in the lives of their students by their acceptance, understanding, love, appreciation, encouragement and ca r ing i s unbe l ievab le and unimaginable. And these are inherent qualities of all true Mums & Dads.

This might seem like a 'tall order', easier preached, than put into practice, but I believe it can be done.

Lady teachers are usually assigned to teach the Pre-Primary & Primary classes and there is wisdom in this decision, because at this early stage, when children are already going through the pangs of being cut off from the security of their homes & their mothers, it is the teacher that steps in as the mother figure.

When young, growing boys encounter a 'father-figure' in their masters, someone they can look up to for guidance and advice, someone they can be friends with and go to with their problems, life becomes so much easier and happier for them. In t o d a y ' s t o u g h , d e m a n d i n g , competitive world in which our students must struggle to live and grow, teachers who are first Mums & Dads, can make all the difference in making life and learning at school a pleasure and a joy instead of a struggle and a nightmare.

It's not just about IQ, these days it's more about EQ, your Emotional Quotient. Teachers can grow their student's self-esteem or quickly destroy it.

Remember teachers, there are students like Teddy, in every one of your classrooms and you can be that Mrs. Thompson, who can lift them from rejection and mediocrity, to unbelievable heights!

Every Teacher Must First Be A Mum Or A Dad

ISSUE 63 I PAGE 5

Sajla Chawla, Goa

Inspired by a post on the wall by Gurpal Singh, a friend who wrote about his experience with religion and with being a Muslim, Sajla Chawla writes…

My mother comes from a Hindu family and my father from a Sikh family. I studied in a strict Catholic school and I had an unclear idea about my religion. It never bothered me as a kid. It did not seem to bother anyone around me either. But studying in a convent school for 15 years, whenever I closed my eyes I would see the cross because that is a memory embedded in my mind, as the cross was in every classroom on the wall, above the speaker, from which hymns and songs sung by Jim Reeves, would flow out twice a day.

I remember going to a gurudwara with my paternal grandmother and the taste of the prasad (blessed offerings) still lingers in my mouth. I also remember my maternal grandmother singing the Aarti (holy song) in front of a statue of Shiva. My parents were too busy with jobs and raising us to go to any religious places or perhaps they were not inclined. My mother would, on rare occasions, say a prayer from the Gran th Sah ib (Ho ly Book) whenever there were testing times and I guess that gave her peace.

The call for Aazaan would resound from the neighbouring mosque and I loved the Arabic lilt of its musical notes, so different from any other music. I was equally comfortable with that as I was with meera bhajans or Guru Nanak's keertan or the hymns in school. Ave Maria was my favourite as easily as I enjoyed the Western Classics by Simon and Garfunkel, Phil Collins, Bryan Adams et al.

I believed what was taught in the Civics Class in school, that our country stood for equality, justice and secularism… that one day India would be a great country. The euphoria of the freedom struggle and our liberation from Imperialist rulers lingered on.

All that suddenly changed one day in 1984. My bubble burst. We were in school and it was announced that

Indira Gandhi our Prime Minister was assassinated by her Sikh bodyguard. We were horrified. She was the first woman PM, a symbol of strength & role model for all of us young school girls. We heard that Sikhs all over Delhi were being butchered, burnt with tyres full of petrol around their necks and the women and girls were being raped, while their fathers and husbands, brothers and children were being killed right in front of their eyes.

My father who worked as a government journalist was in the PM's house that day and we didn't know whether he would come back or not. My brother was not home too. Both of them arrived late that evening, escaping the mobs fury and violence. Schools were closed but what unfolded the next day was scary. A bus full of a murderous mob came into our colony armed with sticks to beat the Sikhs to death . Luck i l y one o f our neighbours who had a gun fired it into the air and the mob beat a retreat.

My mother whispered with tears in her eyes "the partition is happening again". For her, history was repeating itself. She was a two- year -old Hindu girl, when they came to India from what is now Pakistan. And now she was Sikh by virtue of marrying one. Riots and rioters have nothing to do with religion. Their religion is hate & anger.

My parents then decided to send me to my maternal uncle's home to find a safe sanctuary, since he was a Hindu. I was too small to understand what rape was but I knew my parents were sending me there to save me from it. As a child I remember wondering why this was happening and where was the police while all this was happening. I bid goodbye to my family, not knowing if I would ever see them again and an army vehicle, which my father had arranged, took me to my uncle's house.

On the way I saw blood on the roads and people killing each other. I threw up in the car. Nausea recurred for days and days. A mob stopped our car and asked me if I was Sikh. I said I wasn't. And that was ironically the first time that I

realized that I was one, in the eyes of the world. Suddenly it seemed to be written on my forehead that I was a Sikh when I had as much or as little connection to Sikhism as I had to Hinduism or Catholicism or any other ism.

But I remember that fear of a little girl sitting in the car answering a mob of crazed men, carrying blood stained swords. After that day, fear ended for me. I had witnessed the worst. I reached my uncle's house and was told not to step out into the garden. The phone lines were dead. I didn't know whether my parents were alive or not. After three days of mass murder, the government called the army and curfew was imposed. But by that time too much suffering had taken place. I was sent home after 25 days and I remember my mother held me in her arms and could not stop crying.

And yet as a little girl I thought justice would be delivered to the riot victims. Instead, those same politicians who orchestrated the riots went scot-free and were even re-elected. I had no faith in Civics taught in school anymore. In fact my faith in a nation was lost.

In 2002, I witnessed on TV the same thing happening to Muslims in Gujarat. Amongst Muslims there would be many like me who had no concept of being branded as Muslim…just like I never thought of myself as a Sikh. Realization dawned. The world puts labels on us and then they want to kill you because of those labels. Maybe people who have not been victims of riots cannot fathom what it is to feel that one might be killed brutally for no fault except that label – religion, caste, creed, gender and all else society assigns.

Fast forward, 2017! I don't care about the humbug of economic development or development policies. For as long as people are being killed in the name of religion, it's a falsehood to believe that our nation is progressing.

The real development of a society is the respect and value of a human life first. All other development is secondary to that.

My Experience with Religion and Riots

ISSUE 63 I PAGE 6

Yakira Traub Maciel, England

Yakira Traub Maciel (21) is a student at the University of Edinburgh, but is originally from Brighton. She studies German and History and is currently undertaking her year abroad in Regensburg, Bavaria. She has a passion for social justice, having done voluntary work helping Syrian refugees in Germany. She very much hopes to visit Goa one day but regrets her grandparents having never taught her Konkani! She hopes to pursue a career in Law and to work for an NGO post-graduation.

T h i s d e d i c a t i o n i s t o a l l grandparents in a way but most especially to mine Elsie & Mervyn Maciel, who through their books, articles and interviews have left a legacy not only for us, but the entire Goan community as well. I am privileged to call these amazing, inspiring people my grandparents. Most people who have met them feel blessed by their presence.

When a former school friend, now at University approached me a couple of months ago asking if she could make a documentary on my grandparents on the topic of 'Indian culture', I proudly put her in touch with the enigmatic Elsie & Mervyn Maciel. I thought it would be interesting for her to find out about their unique and rich journey. Admittedly, it is often easy to forget how remarkable their story is.

Mervyn and Elsie Maciel left Kenya in the 1960s and made the journey to Great Britain with their four ch i ld ren . Whi ls t they have integrated remarkably well into British society, their Goan identity

remains sacred. M y grandparents h a v e b e e n active not only within the Goan community but also the wider British society. They have been valuable members of a Craft Group in Surrey, been interviewed by the BBC, American TV network and The British Empire & Commonwealth Museum to name a few.

My grandfather has been a very active member of his local Church and does voluntary work for an international Catholic charity while my grandmother, who has more artistic talents such as ceramics and sewing (she even made my mother's and aunt's wedding gowns and wedding cakes), has exhibited at various Craft Fairs and her delectable Goan pickles have been in great demand even among the English! She has the distinction of being the first Goan woman who published her 'Goan Cookery Book' in England, which turned out to be a sell-out. The icing on the cake was the invitation my grandfather received very recently to the Q u e e n ' s G a r d e n P a r t y a t Buckingham Palace, this summer.

Despite being raised by my mother on her own, my grandparents played an active role in my sister's and my upbringing. I have such fond memories of summers spent at my grandparents'. Be it cooking traditional Goan food, doing pottery or baking bread, listening with rapt attention to stories of their

childhood, we always experienced something new and exciting. While every night I would plead with Granny to tell me more, she would say, “Huh! Your Granny is boring” but would proceed to tell me stories of safaris in Africa and of her childhood in Goa. I would listen in amazement, because those stories seemed almost dreamlike to me... worlds apart from my life in England.

I am grateful to my grandparents for having instilled a strong sense of empathy. They have never forgotten the fight for survival of the underpr iv i leged, which they witnessed during their time in Kenya and Goa. This has left a lasting impression on me. We were taught to be generous and grateful for what we have and made aware of how privileged we were growing up in the Western World. So, it did not come as a surprise to me when my friend, after having met my grandparents told me, “I feel blessed by their presence”.

Being a young adult, I would nudge all youth to listen well to stories told by your parents and grandparents. While we may consider them passé right now...as you grow older they give you your sense of identity, your rooting and Yes! They also give you wings!

The Wonder of my Grandparents!

Selection for this Issue!

Many of you, our readers, are writers as well. Your brain is an important creative tool. So it's important to take care of it! Here are six steps to de-clutter your writing brain.

https://www.awelltoldstory.com/six-tips-declutter-writing-brain/

As the leaves begin to turn and the

air gets crisp, it's time to start preparing for Halloween! Some decoration ideas for your homes.

http://www.explosion.com/?s=10+halloween+hacks

Salads don't have to be boring anymore! http://helloglow.co/no-fail-plan-how-to-make-the-perfect-salad/

arch & You shall findSeOur New Look...Thanks to

Creative Concept: Joan ShenoyCreative Design: Vithal GuddaknavarDesign & Layout: Marie-dale Pais

ISSUE 63 I PAGE 7

The Art of LISTENING

This is the second in a series of three, on Peer Mentoring. Chari Kingsbury, Kenya guides us.

Are you a good listener? Many of us would say that we are. Perhaps we are good at keeping quiet and not interrupting while another is talking. But does silence mean we are truly listening? True listening involves more than a lack of verbal communication. It involves our whole body.

Dr. Albert Mehrabian, author of Silent Messages, conducted several studies on non-verbal communication. He found that 7% of any message is conveyed through words, 38% through certain vocal elements such as tone of voice, inflection and 55% through non-verbal body language such as facial expressions, gestures, posture, etc. This research reveals that a whopping 93% of our total communication comes from non-verbal communication.

The problem comes when our modes of communication do not coincide. Research has also revealed that the non-verbal communication tends to be believed more readily than words or verbal assertions. For instance, when a friend greets you with a “Hi! How are you?” and you respond with a listless, monotone “Fine”, while looking at the ground, what message is that friend getting? Of course, she is actually hearing that you are not fine. In fact, something is wrong.

What does this have to do with listening? Much indeed! Our body language can betray us if we are not truly l istening. Alternatively, perhaps we may be trying hard to listen but our body language might be saying something else. We need to be sure all our modes of communication are conveying the same, and the correct message. Pay attention to what your body is saying.

Peer mentoring is something anyone can do. This is quite d i f f e ren t f r om go ing t o a psychiatrist. It does not require specialized training. It simply involves caring enough for another to want to help her; being that friend

who will not leave in times of trouble; providing a listening ear, an understanding mind, and a loving heart. How can we hone our listening skills in order to be an effective peer mentor?

First, even the way you sit can speak volumes as to whether you are listening. If you are seated in chairs, you should be seated at a 90-degree angle, as shown in the photo. Sitting directly across from the other person can appear too aggressive. Sitting side by side can feel too intimate and makes eye contact difficult. Sitting catty-corner to the other person gives the right amount of intimacy, allowing for good eye contact

Not only is our seating position important but our posture says a lot to the other person and can reveal if we are listening or not. Most psychologists would say that leaning slightly forward towards the other person helps her feel like you are listening and that you are interested in what she has to say. Beware, however, of leaning forward too intently. This can backf i re ! Once when a t a mother/daughter event with my 13- year- old daughter, there was some in t imate conversa t ion t ime provided. Someone was going around taking photos and later, I was given a photo of my 'intimate' chat with my daughter. What I saw horrified me! There I was sitting directly across her, leaning forward so intensely that I looked like a lioness crouching, ready to spring! My daughter actually had a slightly startled look on her face. That photo revealed to me just how important body language truly is. I did not look like a caring, listening mom, but instead looked like I was about to devour her!

This brings me to another aspect of body language in listening – eye contact. This can be a tricky subject, because eye contact means different things in different cultures. To be an effective and caring peer mentor, it is important to be aware of the culture of your friend. I am an American living in Kenya. In my home country, when an adult is speaking to a child, that child is expected to look at that adult to

show that he or she is paying attention. However, here in Kenya, a child who looks directly at an adult while that adult is speaking to her is considered rude! Therefore, in Africa, for me to tell a child “Look at me when I am speaking to you” would be to demand that the child displays rude behavior.

Generally, eye contact shows that an individual is paying attention when listening. It is good to look at your friend when she is sharing what is in her heart. However, do beware of looking so intently at her t h a t s h e b e g i n s t o f e e l uncomfortable. Look at her then give her a break. Return your look from time to time to reassure her that your mind has not strayed. You are still with her.

There are a couple more things that would do us well to remember if we want to be effective and truly helpful when practicing good listening when mentoring our friends. One is to not be easily shocked – or at least don't betray any inner shock. Nothing will chase a friend away faster than a look on our face that makes her feel like she just confessed to being an axe- murderer who just did away with her parents! The friend came to you for a listening ear, for understanding, for help. Don't chase her away with your look of horror. This brings me to my last but very important aspect of good listening – being non-judgmental. This is related to not conveying shock, because when we show utter surprise or gasp when we have heard a story or experience shared in confidence by a friend, we have shown them that we have passed judgment of sorts already! Keep an open mind. Be ready to listen further. Display confidence that somehow, you can go through this together. Be ready to support your friend, even if it is to help her get professional help and to just provide a listening ear. After all, good listening is the largest part of any counseling, whether by a professional or a peer mentor.