Everyone talks about how instinctive motherhood is, but once I had my first child, I realized the only thing instinctive about it was the fierce sense of protection I felt when anyone or anything threatened the wellbeing of my little one. Beyond that, nothing was quite as effortless, and I found myself wishing my child had come with a really thick instruction manual. Through reading, talking with others, and experience—that best of all teachers—I learned a lesson or two about how to rear children who had character, self-control, and respect for themselves and others. I wish I could tell you I discovered a “quick fix” method—say these five words to your kids once a day and success is guaranteed— but the truth is, raising good kids is hard work that requires you to invest yourself in them every day. Still, a few lessons are fundamental to good parenting. The most valuable one is just nine words long: Say what you mean, and mean what you say. The simple term for that is “integrity,” and the best way to teach kids to have it is by having it your- self. In other words, always follow through. Did you tell your child you would take her for ice cream after school? Then, unless something comes up that makes it physi- cally impossible, seek out those 31 flavors. Did you say he could only have dessert if he finished his dinner? Don’t cave! Feel- ing safe is one of our children’s most basic needs, and knowing they can count on you to do what you say is truly comforting— even when they don’t consciously realize it. Pressure vs. Praise Another fundamental lesson of good parenting involves learning the difference between praise and encouragement—or, as learning expert David Sousa says, the difference between pres- sure and encouragement. 1 Words of praise focus on the parents’ desires rather than on the child’s abilities. (“You did it just like I told you. I’m so proud of you! You are such a good boy/girl.”) By focusing on the outcome, praise causes students to feel pressure to perform. Conversely, words of encouragement spotlight things a child can control and duplicate— the process and effort used to achieve his or her goal—and leaves evaluation of the final product to the student. 2 (“You figured it out! You must be proud of yourself. I appreciate your help.”) The difference between praise and encouragement is subtle, yet powerful. If you’re not sure about which camp a state- ment falls into, ask yourself a few questions. First, will your comment inspire self-evalu- ation or dependence on the evaluation of others? Is it respectful or is it patronizing? Does it take your child’s point of view into account or does it only consider your own? Would you make the comment to a friend? 3 The Risks of Rewards Finally, understand the risks of rewards such as candy or money in encouraging extrinsic motivation. Rewards can be effec- tive—and fun—if they are administered ran- domly and used sparingly. But if rewards are your primary way of motivating good behavior, you could be setting yourself (and your children) up for failure. Extrinsic motivation is not sustainable: remove the reward, and the motivation disappears with it. It is also handicapped by diminishing returns. The reward that motivated power- fully the first time just won’t pack the same punch the next time around. To moti- vate again, you have to make subsequent rewards more spectacular. We all want our children to do some- thing well because they value the action itself and not simply because they’ll receive praise or a reward for it. Verbal encouragement is an effective means toward this end, but even more powerful is the tool we often don’t realize we are using: our own actions. Be the person you In Praise of Encouragement Point Notes A Newsletter from Susan B. Lair, Ph.D., Head of School with Merin Porter, Assistant Director of Marketing & Communications VOL. 11, ISS. 4 continued on back page The difference between praise and encouragement is subtle, yet powerful.
Transcript
Everyone talks about how instinctive motherhood is, but once I had my first child, I realized the only thing instinctive about it was the fierce sense of protection I felt when anyone or anything threatened the wellbeing of my little one. Beyond that, nothing was quite as effortless, and I found myself wishing my child had come with a really thick instruction manual.
Through reading, talking with others, and experience—that best of all teachers—I learned a lesson or two about how to rear children who had character, self-control, and respect for themselves and others. I wish I could tell you I discovered a “quick fix” method—say these five words to your kids once a day and success is guaranteed—
but the truth is, raising good kids is hard work that requires you to invest yourself in them every day.
Still, a few lessons are fundamental to good parenting. The most valuable one is just nine words long: Say what you mean, and mean what you say. The simple term for that is “integrity,” and the best way to
teach kids to have it is by having it your-self. In other words, always follow through. Did you tell your child you would take her for ice cream after school? Then, unless something comes up that makes it physi-cally impossible, seek out those 31 flavors. Did you say he could only have dessert if he finished his dinner? Don’t cave! Feel-ing safe is one of our children’s most basic needs, and knowing they can count on you to do what you say is truly comforting—even when they don’t consciously realize it.
Pressure vs. PraiseAnother fundamental lesson of good
parenting involves learning the difference between praise and encouragement—or,
as learning expert David Sousa says, the difference between pres-sure and encouragement.1 Words of praise focus on the parents’ desires rather than on the child’s abilities. (“You did it just like I told you. I’m so proud of you! You are such a good boy/girl.”) By focusing on the outcome, praise causes students to feel pressure to perform. Conversely, words of encouragement spotlight
things a child can control and duplicate—the process and effort used to achieve his or her goal—and leaves evaluation of the final product to the student.2 (“You figured it out! You must be proud of yourself. I appreciate your help.”)
The difference between praise and encouragement is subtle, yet powerful. If
you’re not sure about which camp a state-ment falls into, ask yourself a few questions. First, will your comment inspire self-evalu-ation or dependence on the evaluation of others? Is it respectful or is it patronizing? Does it take your child’s point of view into account or does it only consider your own? Would you make the comment to a friend?3
The Risks of RewardsFinally, understand the risks of rewards
such as candy or money in encouraging extrinsic motivation. Rewards can be effec-tive—and fun—if they are administered ran-domly and used sparingly. But if rewards are your primary way of motivating good behavior, you could be setting yourself (and your children) up for failure. Extrinsic motivation is not sustainable: remove the reward, and the motivation disappears with it. It is also handicapped by diminishing returns. The reward that motivated power-fully the first time just won’t pack the same punch the next time around. To moti-vate again, you have to make subsequent rewards more spectacular.
We all want our children to do some-thing well because they value the action itself and not simply because they’ll receive praise or a reward for it. Verbal encouragement is an effective means toward this end, but even more powerful is the tool we often don’t realize we are using: our own actions. Be the person you
In Praise of Encouragement
Point NotesA Newsletter from Susan B. Lair, Ph.D., Head of School
with Merin Porter, Assistant Director of Marketing & Communications
VOL. 11, ISS. 4
continued on back page
The difference between
praise and encouragement
is subtle, yet powerful.
Ask Susan Meriwether about the most formative years of a child’s life, and she’ll quickly reply that they are the first ones. “The first three years are a crucial time for parents and teachers to lay a foundation for children’s future learning,” she says. “Never again will a child undergo so many life-changing moments and such dynamic development.”
Mrs. Meriwether joined St. Francis in 2008 to help establish the school’s faculty and staff nursery, which benefits and helps retain quality educators and administrative staff. Now, as a lead teacher in St. Francis’ Pre-Primary program, Mrs. Meriwether draws on a skill set honed not only by her 20-plus years in the classroom, but also by a deep understanding of child develop-ment derived from constant research and continuing education. Her professionalism and strong knowledge of child development, coupled with her respectful approach to teaching and remarkable ability to develop relationships, make her an exceptional educator and leader at St. Francis. “Working with some of the youngest stu-dents in the St. Francis community is such a blessing to me,” she says. “I relish experiencing the tremendous strides and changes in the children’s cognitive and physical growth from August to May.”
Mrs. Meriwether’s work in the classroom has earned her numerous accolades, including a Teacher of the Year recogni-tion from both the Texas Association for the Education of Young Children and its Houston chapter, a ChildrenFirst Founders
Award, and a prestigious Sally Provence Award to honor her role in creating collaboration between teachers and parents. As a Sarah W. Woolrich Fund for Faculty grant winner for 2008–2009, she visited the Pikler Institute in Budapest, Hungary, where she studied the importance of self-initiated movement and the often-overlooked stages of play.
In addition to educating young children, Mrs. Meri-wether has trained and men-tored numerous teachers. In her role as Reggio content chair and team leader for the St. Francis Pre-Primary program, she has assisted in the implementation of the brain-based Reggio Emilia approach. She is also one of the most sought-after trainers in Houston and has earned high acclaim and many honors for her commitment to making a difference in the lives of young children by teaching those who care for them.
Mrs. Meriwether has been married for 29 years and has two sons. She is involved in the children’s ministry at her church and enjoys reading and experimenting with photography.
ST. FRANCIS SPOTLIGHT: Susan Meriwether, Lead Pre-Primary Teacher
Point Notesis published throughout the school year by
St. Francis Episcopal Day School(335 Piney Point Road, Houston, TX 77024
www.sfedshouston.org).Its purpose is to provide
Head of School Susan B. Lair, Ph.D., with a direct communication link
to the school’s parent community.
Produced by the Department ofMarketing & Communications.
THE “HOWLMANAC”: ACCREDITATIONWith an eye toward excellence, St. Francis Episcopal Day School began working toward accreditation in 1974. In the fall, faculty members created the required self-evaluation in the areas of science, math, arts and crafts, and Spanish. The following spring, they completed the self-evaluation notebook with additional information on social studies, reading, music and physical education. Principal Sally Woolrich presented the school’s self-study to Mr. H.E. Phillips, head of accredita-tion at the Texas Education Agency, in May 1975. “I felt as if we made an ‘A,’” she said, “and Gene Phillips said that we could expect a visit. We still have a great deal to do in the way of getting files shuffled and prepared; the secretary’s min-utes for the school board need to be put together in annual notebooks, with signed copies; and the courses of study and revisions completed this summer. We shall be ready, how-ever.” On January 13, 1976, Mrs. Woolrich received a call from the T.E.A. that two of its employees would visit on Janu-ary 22. “Though we thought things were in order, there were nine days of revisions, reorganization, and documentation,” said Mrs. Woolrich. “We were ready, however, upon their arrival, and things went very smoothly as a result.” She got word from Mr. Phillips four days later and found it “gratifying and rewarding” to announce at that evening’s board meeting that St. Francis’ bid for accreditation had been approved.
want your children to become, and your own honesty, integrity and goodness will encourage them to embody those same traits. It may not be a quick fix, but it’s the best way I know to guarantee success.
1. How the Gifted Brain Learns, by David A. Sousa
2. NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children, by
Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman
3. Positive Discipline, The First Three Years, by Jane
