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ATRIA PAPERBACKNew York London Toronto Sydney New Delhi Hillsboro, Oregon
Foreword by Noah Levine, author of Dharma Punx
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A Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc. 20827 N.W. Cornell Road, Suite 500
1230 Avenue of the Americas Hillsboro, Oregon 97124-9808New York, NY 10020 503-531-8700 / 503-531-8773 fax www.beyondword.com
Copyright 2014 by Chris Grosso
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in anyform whatsoever without prior written permission. For information address Atria Books/Beyond Words Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York,NY 10020.
Audio podcast interview with Noah Levine and video interview with Ram Dass courtesy of
Where Is My Guru radio show.ransistor, from the EP Where Moths Eat and Worms Destroy, and Invocation, from theEP Invocation: Our Dying Days, by Womb of the Desert Sun, courtesy of Te Path Lessraveled Records, www.thepathlesstraveledrecords.com.
All other songs written and performed by Chris Grosso, including: A Little Less Like Dying,All About Us, Cardboard Suitcase, Te Complete Fiction, Drawing Static, Hand of theHost, Te Last Night of the Earth, Perils of the Living, Places Tat Scare You, Rising/Falling, and Scream Phoenix.
First Atria Paperback/Beyond Words trade paperback edition March 2014
ATRIA PAPERBACK and colophon are trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.Beyond Words Publishing is an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc. and the Beyond Wordslogo is a registered trademark of Beyond Words Publishing, Inc.
For more information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Simon &Schuster Special Sales at 1-866-506-1949 or [email protected].
Te Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event.For more information or to book an event, contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureauat 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website at www.simonspeakers.com.
Manufactured in the United States of America
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
ISBN 978-1-58270-460-9ISBN 978-1-4767-4708-8 (ebook)
Te corporate mission of Beyond Words Publishing, Inc.:Inspire to Integrity
Do not quote for publication until verified with finished book.Tis advance uncorrected readers proof is the property of Simon & Schuster.It is being loaned for promotional purposes and review by the recipient and
may not be used for any other purpose or transferred to any third party.
Simon & Schuster reserves the right to cancel the loan and recallpossession of the Proof at any time. Any duplication,sale or distribution to the public is a violation of law.
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xiii
Foreword by Noah Levine xvii
Preace: Scream Phoenix xxi
Introduction: Smash the Control Machine xxvii
1. Spirituality? 3
2. Whatever Comes Up, Comes Out 7 3. Samadhi and Van Halen 9
4. Te Zipper Tat Broke the Camels ooth 11
5. Detox Diaries 15
6. Te Gif o Desperation 19
7. Finding Freedom 21
8. Calling Bullshit on Ourselves 29
9. No Comply 3310. Holy Grail Sale 39
11. When the Bottom Gives Out 43
12. Hey, Asshole 45
13. But Im Not Interested in Yoga, So Now What?! 47
14. New Noise 51
15. Little Did I Know 55
16. Question Everything 5917. Heroes? 61
18. ranscendence 65
19. Te ao o Checking Yoursel 69
20. Te Meaning o Lie 75
contents
Angels of Darkness (The Words, The Ways)
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contentsxiv
21. Me, Mysel & I 77
22. o Let Sleeping Dogs Lie 79
23. Jesus, Hitler, Bieber, Slayer & God 83
24. When Forever Comes Crashing 85
25. ransmission o the Heart 89
26. Tis Love 93
27. riumphant Lie Fuck-Up &
How Loving-Kindness Can Help 97
28. Eden Complex 101
29. God Disclaimer 105
30. Intellectualize Tis 111
31. A Drug Is a Drug Is a Drug 113
32. Pills 119
33. Wheres the Dead Body!? 123
34. A Prayer or the Dead 127
35. Death, Its Not Just or Metal Anymore 131
36. Te Entanglement Teory o Kirtan,Punk Rock & Hip-Hop 135
37. Music, the Collective Liberator 139
38. Bhakti Boombo 143
39. Ignition 147
40. Variations on a Teme 149
41. Love, the Universal Curriculum 151
Meditations
1. Vipassana Meditation 157
2. Mahasati Meditation 163
3. Karma Yoga & the Tirty-wo Body Part Meditation 167 4. Sel-Enquiry (Atma Vichara) 171
5. Loving-Kindness 177
Demons of Light (Meditations, Practices,and Multimedia Suggestions)
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xvcontents
Practices
6. Going to a Concert 183
7. Visiting a Museum or Gallery 185
8. Mala or Rosary Bead Work 187
9. Journaling 191
10. Prayer 193
11. Creating Art 197
12. Visit a Church, Mosque, Monastery, or Sacred Place 199
13. Yoga 201
14. alking to People 203
15. Gratitude 205
Eclectic Multimedia Suggestions
16. Books 209
17. Film 217
18. Music 221
Parting Words 227
Acknowledgments 229
Indie Spiritualist Playlist Index 233
Notes 236
About the Author 237
Indie Spiritualist Audio Download 239
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Foreword
All beings have taken birth to experience healing and reedomrom suering. his is the universal and undeniable truth.We wander through the realms o existence, states o mind, cul-
tural conditions, and generations, seeking a reliable reuge. Some
ind comort in religion; some ind comort in material success. But
neither religion nor material success oers a reliable shelter. he
Buddha reerred to both religion and materialism as dead ends.He ound a path that led between these two extremes, the middle
path, the path o awakening and healing, a personal path that has
little to do with religiosity or materialism. he healing we took
birth or is attained by those who reject the norms, reject the worlds
alse promises o pleasure-based happiness. It is not by reliance on
external conditions, but by becoming independently committed to
truth, kindness, compassion, and wisdom, that we ind what we havealways been seeking.
he Buddha was an indie spiritualist; he walked away rom
the spiritual and religious circles o his time and ound his own path.
he Buddha urged his students to reject all blind aith and cultural
xvii
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Forewordxviii
traditions based on what was written, spoken, or believed by others.
He encouraged personal and independent investigation o spiritual
matters. He basically said: ry it or yoursel, and trust your own
direct experience. I the path that you are on leads to suering and
conusion, abandon it. I the path that you are on leads to reedom
and well-being, ollow it to the end. Later teachers have summed
this up as, Dont become a Buddhist; become a Buddha.
My teacher Jack Kornield has oten spoken about inding a
path with heart. What we need most is not more religious dogma
and spiritual materialism, but to train our hearts and minds to meet
the reality o our lives in a wise and compassionate way. Compas-
sion is a skill that we develop over time and with our own eorts.
Wisdom comes when we learn to look within, when we turn toward
the pain and conusion in our hearts. hen the heart becomes the
path, and the path becomes the training o the heart and mind to
be kind. His Holiness the Dalai Lama has been quoted as saying,
Kindness is my religion. Kindness is like situational ethics; thekind thing to do in each moment depends on what is happening
right now. Kindness is not always nice or gentle. Sometimes it is
loud and aggressive, like when we need to turn up the music loud
enough to disturb the reactive habitual conditioning o the mind.
Sometimes the kind thing to do is be generous and give to someone
in need. At other times the kindest thing we can do is say No! he
meditative training o the mind will, eventually, allow us to accessthe kind and wise heart.
In this open, honest, and wise relection on his path, Chris
Grosso oers us his heart. His search or meaning and recovery led
him to a path with heart. His explorations, practices, and awaken-
ings are hard won and directly experienced. Chris does not sit back
and talk about stu he has heard or read. his is not an intellectual
exercise; this is a direct transmission o his personal path o spiritualtransormation. he core teaching here is not do what I do, it is
ind out or yoursel what works.
May this book inspire you to become independently wise and
compassionate. May you do what needs to be done in your own lie
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xixForeword
to end suering and conusion. ogether may we all create a positive
change in this world.
Yours in the spiritual revolution,
Noah Levine
2013
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Preface:Scream Phoenix
If youre going to try, go all the way.There is no other feeling like that.You will be alone with the gods,
and the nights will flame with fire.You will ride life straight to perfect laughter.
Its the only good fight there is.
Charles Bukowski
Hope, its the last to die, said an elderly man sitting across romme some years ago on a bus in Rome at 2:00 am. Hed justread the word hopetattooed across my knuckles, and I have to say
that, in my own personal lie experience, man, was he right. Lie is
ull o terror and beauteous rapture, and Ive experienced both on
numerous occasions. From a lie illed with despair, jail, emergency
rooms, detoxes, and rehabs, to one o hope.Sex, drugs, and rock n roll really was the clichd mantra o
my younger years. It began as an innocent yet angsty kinship with
grunge, punk, and hardcore music, which I ell in love with rom the
very irst time I put needle to record. A riend o a riend described
the punk/hardcore scene as a last-ditch eort or authenticity in a
world increasingly devoid o it, and Id have to agree. here were
groups discussing all sorts o relevant topics in their lyrics, rompolitics to personal ethics, spirituality, and all the isms you can
think o. his had a huge eect on me. Not only did it teach me
to question authority, to not accept everything at ace valuewhich
popular society and mass media would obviously preer we dobut
xxi
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PREFACExxii
it was the irst time that I ever really elt as though I was a part o
something bigger than mysel (amily aside).
Ill admit that I was young and nave and didnt totally understand
what I was rebelling against a lot o the time. It was still, however, an
amazing lesson in reeing mysel rom what others thoughtalbeit
oten on a supericial levelbut it helped me ind my own voice
and truth, and take stands where others wouldnt. his deinitely
didnt earn me any cool points. With my tattoos, piercings, and punk
-shirts, I stood out like a sore thumb in my small town. But I didnt
give a shit about that, as punk/hardcore music taught me not to cave
to peer pressure like many other students would.
his music and sense o community quickly sparked my inter-
est in learning to play bass and guitar so that I too could be on stage
like the bands that I admired. I didnt have loty dreams o reaching
Soundgardens level or being on MV, but I did think itd be great
to make it to the level o a band like Converge, who were signed to
a reputable indie label and had the ability to tour and have merch.While some o my bands did release CDs and seven inches on smaller
indie labels, and even had a coveted merch table illed with -shirts,
stickers, and so orth, I still never made it anywhere close to where
Id hopeully envisioned mysel.
hat didnt stop my emulation o what many see as the classic rock
n roll liestyle, however. I started experimenting with drugs and alco-
hol later than most o the kids I went to school with, because I spentmy reshman and sophomore years as straight edge (which means
living drug, alcohol, and nicotine ree, sometimes even abstaining
rom sex, though the latter was a little much or me). It was late in my
junior year that I decided to break edge, and, like a sledgehammer
to concrete, I broke the shit out o it. I started with pot and alcohol,
like most experimental kids do, but it wasnt long beore I ventured
into the very strange and exciting world o mushrooms and LSD.From drug ree, I quickly made my way through the stages o
drug use, including experimentation, regular use, abuse, and, inally,
ull-on addiction. What started as an occasional beer and joint at
practice or beore a show quickly turned into tripping on acid and
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xxiiiPREFACE
mushrooms, sniing cocaine and Ritalin, and spending plenty o
time getting ucked up on ketamine, PCP, OxyContin, and crack.
Oh, and o course there was always enough liquor to get a small
army drunk. And so it was in my late teens that I became a ull-
blown (albeit unctioning) addict.
Blackouts, hangovers, broken instruments, and terrible, drunk
live perormances became the norm. At one point my indie rock
band hree Ways ill uesday was banned rom playing every club,
large and smallwith the exception o riends basements or VFW
hallsin our home state o Connecticut, due to our drug and alco-
hol ueled antics. We even blew a $10,000 indie record deal (which
was a lot o money or us at the time) when we showed up wasted
to a show that the label owner had set up as a sort o showcase or
his riends and colleagues. I vaguely remember setting up my gui-
tar amp that night, but thats it. he next morning I awoke with an
odd bruise on my orehead, which I later ound out was due to my
repeatedly smashing mysel in the head with my microphone duringour set. I turned on my phone and received a rantic voicemail rom
the label owner, screaming, What the uck happened last night?!
What is wrong with you guys?! he deals o ! And the saddest thing
about this story is that its only the tip o the iceberg.
hat sort o blackout drinking and drug-addicted behavior car-
ried on or some years until, at the age o twenty-our, it all came to a
head. Fear, anger, hurt, sadness, drugs, empty sex, ood, cutting, andsuicide attemptsall culminated in a perect storm, a tempest that
shattered my heart and let me nothing more than the shell o a man.
In my broken state, I had nothing let to lose. I was brought to my
knees by my addiction and knew that i I was going to live, I needed
to surrender and ind a new way to live lie. Every part o my physi-
cal sel was ready to die and welcomed the thought o death. But
inside, a small lame lickered. It was very aint and very deep, yet itwas enough that, no matter how hard I tried to ignore it, I couldnt;
it wouldnt let me. Hope.
I inally checked into a detox unit. While there I quickly real-
ized it was the irst time Id been without a drug or more than a
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PREFACExxiv
day or so in many years. Id known or a while that I had a serious
problem with drugs, but reused to really acknowledge the extent oit. I mean, I was diagnosed with gout (sudden, severe attacks o pain,
redness, and tenderness in joints) at the age o twenty-three, due to
how heavily I was drinking. hat probably should have been a huge
red lag, but like any good addict I just buried my head in the drugs
and ignored it.
While in detox, where drugs werent an option (at least or those
ive days), I inally had the opportunity to take a look at what my lie
had become, and it wasnt pretty. I experienced a very deep eeling
o ear and depression, and there were no drugs to mask it (other
than the benzos they had me on or withdrawals), so I was orced to
sit with it, and it hurt. Physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotion-
allyit ucking hurt.
Being with mysel or those ive days allowed me to recognize
that I didnt want to continue living the way I had been. In my heart,
I knew that Id wanted to stop or quite some time, but didnt knowhow; and here was my chance. From detox, I went to a twenty-
eight-day inpatient treatment program, ollowed by two months in
a halway house. I was sober and recovering or a little over a year,
but this isnt a pretty airy tale, and I didnt go on to live happily ever
ater. I eventually relapsed, which became a pretty consistent pat-
tern or me over the next ew yearsget sober, relapse, detox, rehab,
repeat. With each cycle, however, it got worse. And my belie in myability to heal continually diminished.
During that irst year o sobriety, however, beore relapsing, I
elt compelled to inally set out on a search or something more.
I enguled mysel in a completely no-bullshit exploration o spiritu-
ality. I ound that having a deeply ingrained question everything
punk-rock mind-set, which taught me not to accept everything at
ace value, allowed me to take a brutally honest look at the teachingso the various spiritual and religious paths I was exploring. Some
o them hit me directly in my heart, while others let me scratching
my head and wondering, Is this or real? Regardless o whether
a particular teaching resonated with me or not, however, I always
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xxvPREFACE
remembered a simple teaching that my mother blessed me with
as a child, which was, to each their own. So with that in mind, I
ound mysel able to respect others who were inding their answers
in methods and teachings that didnt resonate with me. Its an impor-
tant theme in this bookacceptance.
In between relapses, during my times o sobriety, I would visit
various sanghas, churches, temples, and other spiritual and religious
institutions, and I remember noticing something that deinitely
surprised me, which was the increasing number o practitioners
who shared many o the same eclectic spiritual and non-spiritual
interests that I did. It was awesome to share time in meditation
and discussing the teachings o the Buddha and Jesus, Lao zu and
Krishna, but also spending time nerding out over movies like The
Big Lebowski and Donnie Darko, and bands like Foo Fighters, A
ribe Called Quest, and Mastodon. One minute wed be discussing
Arjunas internal struggle in the Bhagavad Gita, and the next wed be
laughing over shows like Curb Your EnthusiasmandArrested Devel-opment. It was at this point I realized that the dogma and rigidity
that had turned me o to religion and spirituality or the majority
o my lie werent all there was to it, and that maybe I could get into
this spirituality thing.
he experience o relating to people both on a spiritual and
everyday human levelwhere it was okay to not be perect, and even
to laugh at our imperectionswas amazing. It was through interact-ing with those lighthearted and open-minded olks, and our shared
eclectic interests, that I was inspired to search online or magazines
or websites, in the hopes o connecting with more o these compas-
sionate and quirky people Id been getting to know. I thought there
would have to be places that celebrated both spirituality and the other
eclectic interests my new riends and I had been discussing, but my
search was to no avail. So in the spirit o DIY ethics, I started a websitecalled he Indie Spiritualist, with the intention o creating an outlet
or other seekers such as mysel.
So, what is an indie spiritualist, and why does it matter?An indie
spiritualist is more than someone who thinks independently or
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PREFACExxvi
craves a spiritual path outside the traditional conines o religion. An
indie spiritualist is someone who honors the spiritual truth within
themselves, regardless o what popular society, religious institutions,
riends, amily, or anyone else, or that matter, preer they think.
he indie spiritualist stays true to the heart, because thats the most
authentic teacher any o us will ever have. When we honor that inter-
nal nudge that tells us everything may not be exactly as it seems, and
when we explore all that weve been told is true by society with the
understanding that maybe its not, were taking our irst steps toward
awakening.
his book is a new introspective exercise in dogma-ree, every-
day spirituality that I hope will beneit seekers rom all walks o lie,
whether you are new to the spiritual path or a longtime practitioner.
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Introduction: Smash theControl Machine
When we blindly adopt a religion,a political system, a literary dogma,
we become automatons.We cease to grow.
Anas Nin
Spirituality is oten o little interest to those o us who are inde-pendent thinkers and dont necessarily eel like we it in tomainstream cultural norms in terms o interests, passions, values, or
attitudes. Whether were a teenager, a twenty- or thirty-something
or older; into punk rock, hip-hop, or alternative music; covered in
tattoos and piercings; a skateboarder; gay, lesbian, bisexual, or trans-
gender; a nerd; or even wearing a suit and tiesomething insideous has elt other than.
Many o us looked to religion or spirituality or answers, but
soon ound that neither the dogma o old religion nor the love and
light luiness o New Age spirituality were approaches that reso-
nated with us. Still, we were let with an internal yearningone o
virtually deaening silencethat compelled us to answer its call, but
how? What can we do? What about the rest o us who dont resonatewith the exceedingly positive love-and-light movement or the dog-
matic tenets o spiritual and religious traditions? What are we let
to do when were looking or something more, something we can
embrace exactly as we are?
xxvii
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INTRODUCTIONxxviii
At its core, spirituality is amazing. here have been many illu-
mined teachers (both past and present) who have deeply aected meand many other indie spirited people in very real and inspiring ways.
However, as with anything in lie, theres also no shortage o bullshit
that can come along with spirituality. here are so many elements
that can easily turn o any ree-thinking individual, including, but
not limited to, the sel-proclaimed gurus, enlightened teachers
who demand complete obedience o their students, yoga instructors
who actually buy in to their students worship o them, outrageously
priced spiritual clothing and accessories, the stay-positive-at-all-
costs rhetoric, and on and on it goes.
hough years o dogmatic attachments, rigid instructions, and
ear-based campaigns have let many o us with not the ondest
outlook on religion and spirituality, times are changing, and we no
longer have to accept or allow our belies to be dictated by others.
For years I wrestled with how to reconcile my desire to walk a
spiritual path, my love o independent culture, and my struggles withaddiction and recovery. his ultimately led me to reevaluate every-
thing in my lie and to ask mysel questions that are not typically
discussed in spiritual circles. he ideas and questions were not overly
esoteric. Rather, they were simple, introspective questions that I per-
sonally needed to work through in order to get a clearer picture o my
path and purpose. (And as mentioned, this quest led me to create he
Indie Spiritualist website.)My spiritual awakening didnt happen on the mountaintops o
the Himalayas or the ashrams o India. Nor did I ind it in a church
or monastery. Hell, I wasnt even looking or it in the irst place, but
spirituality can have a unny way o creeping into our lives, no matter
how much o a protective barrier we set up.
Indie spiritualism is a new approach to divine experience or
those who reject the trappings and hypocrisies o mainstream spiri-tuality and organized religion, who eel a sense o otherness, and
dont necessarily resonate with mainstream cultural norms. o quote
Burroughs: Smash control images. Smash the control machine.
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xxixINTRODUCTION
his saying has become somewhat o a template or most o the sig-
niicant change in my lie.
When it all comes down to it, living spiritually is a completely
inside job. We dont need to change our appearance, adopt a new
language, or change our mannerisms to it in. We dont need to
completely write spirituality o because we may be holding to our
own stereotypes, and possibly miss out on some incredible insights
and teachings that could make a dierence in our lives. Dogma-
ree spirituality is just that: dogma ree. Youre ree and open to the
exploration.
My sincere and humble intention is that, in all your uniqueness,
you ind peace and happiness while being you and walking your
own authentic spiritual path.
he ollowing essays, vignettes, musings, and other writings are
merely an exercise in dogma-ree, everyday spirituality, which I hope
will beneit seekers rom all walks o lie. Its not only my story, but, I
believe, a story shared by many o us as we reconcile living an inde-pendent liestyle with walking an authentic spiritual path.
Ater the collection o vignettes is a Side-B, which extends the
invitation or those independent spiritual seekers who are interested
in learning more about incorporating meditations and practices into
their lives. hese practices are rom a wide spectrum o spiritual tra-
ditions and have been enormously helpul in my lie.
Included at the end are some Bonus racks, an eclectic list opersonally recommended books, music, and ilms that may provide
sources o inspiration in obvious as well as unconventional ways.
Embedded throughout the book are QR codesthe irst two o
which are belowthat you can use to read and listen to extra media
content: links to some o my music, videos, and ull interviews o the
many individuals in the world who lent their voices and insight to
the core o this work.
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INTRODUCTIONxxx
Noah Levine was not only generous enough towrite the foreword for my book, but he gaveme an interview. Heres a link to our talk, whichaired on Where Is My Guru radio show.http ://www .whe re i smygu r u .c om/ rad i o-show/susainable-l iv ing-dharma-punx-scott-pittman-noah-levine-mar-292013/
As we start the book, Id like to set the moodwith a little music, about which Im very pas-sionate, as you can probably already tell basedon the preface. The first song Id like to shareis Invocation by my band, Womb of the DesertSun, from our EP Invocation: Our Dying Days.http://www.beyondword.com/indiespiritualist/audiodownload1.m4a
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Angels of Darkness
Side A
(The Words, The Ways)
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Spirituality?
1
The true word of God is written in our heart.
KRS-One, Aint Ready
In a recent conversation with one o my riends, who was help-ing me take some pictures or my websites bio page, she play-ully cracked on my interest in spirituality by teasing me that I wasnt
smiling enough in the photos, and said, What would all o the spiri-
tual people think? Her joke didnt mean much to me at the time, but
later I really began to ponder why I was drawn to spirituality while
she wasnt, and how her playul comment about spiritual peopleactually said a lot more than I had initially realized.
My riend and I are similar in many respects. We have a lot o
tattoos, love independent culture, and look or more than what lie
has to oer at ace value. When it comes to spirituality, however, she
has little to no interest, and, ater really thinking about a lot o what
passes or spirituality these days, I honestly cant say that I blame
her. Its hard or many o us to connect with ashionable spiritual-ity, especially since being ashionable isnt o much importance to
us to begin with. his scenario creates a problem, especially or the
younger generations, who are looking or something more; and i,
3
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Side A4
or when, we eventually turn to spirituality, our interests are quickly
thwarted at the plasticity o what we ind.
I mean absolutely no disrespect by addressing the way some
teachers present spiritual material. Many o them do an excellent job
o oering the material in a way that makes it easily accessible or
popular society, especially here in the west. In act, Im riends with
many o these teachers and I completely honor and respect their
styles. However, just as some ind that they resonate with Buddhism
over Christianity, or vice versa, the same goes or todays spiritual
aspirants who are looking or nontraditional spiritual and religious
paths, but just cant ind it in the pretty love-and-light circles.
Making spirituality accessible to all seekers, rom all walks o
lie, is o paramount importance. his is because, unortunately,
those who are searching or something more, yet dont eel like they
it in with particular spiritual and religious groups, will instead
oten resort to material items such as drugs, shopping, ood, sex,
and so orth. In a less harmul, but just as leeting way, some peo-ple seek acceptance and belonging by transorming their physical
appearance via tanning, tattoos, piercings, plastic surgery, or expen-
sive clothes. But these are all temporary things that will only ill the
gap or so long.
heres absolutely nothing wrong with any o the aoremen-
tioned thingsIm personally covered in tattoosbut its important
to remember that things such as those are nothing more than mate-rial pleasures that wont transorm us on a deeper, inner level. I
thats what were looking to do, we need to begin making over our
insides instead.
hings came to a head or me some years ago when I was at a
breaking point in my lie. Years o active drug and alcohol addiction
had let me at a place where I was going to either kill mysel or ind
a better way to live. It was a dark time or me, but one that provedto be the catalyst that pushed me to ind a more integrally healthy
liestyle. People like my photographer riend, however, who arent at
the edge o death or insanity, or backed into a corner like I was, oten
dont eel compelled to seek out deeper meanings rom lie. I they
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5indie spiritualist
do, and they happen to look or it in much o todays contemporary
spirituality, its oten not long beore they remember why they hadnt
looked there in the irst place.
alk o ire and brimstone, or the idea o giving up material pos-
sessions or living in caves and so orth, is typically not the average
persons idea o a good time. But until recently, thats oten whats
been associated with spiritual practice. Conversely, much o todays
spirituality has become luy and watered down, relying on things
like quick-ix op en lists that rarely, i ever, truly oer the seeker
any lasting results. I recently heard a Buddhist monk reerence this
type o spirituality as ast ood or our minds. Besides being humor-
ous, he was right.
Much o todays spirituality has become a business, and business
is good. But or people like my riend, and many others, who can see
through bullshit a mile away, much o todays spirituality just doesnt
do it or them. I mean, some o the things that pass or spirituality
these days blows my mind. And the price tags attached to much oit . . . well, like I said, business is good.
So much o this so-called spirituality is presented as pretty and
cosmetic, and basically is to spirituality whatJersey Shoreis to reality.
Even when unsavory thingslike our judging minds and low sel-
esteemare addressed, theyre given un, kitschy names or catch
phrases to put a shiny spin on them. So much o it only addresses
the happy and positive aspects, ocusing on words like empower-ing and healing. But i people arent scratching below the surace
to those areas where the real healing and empowerment can come
romthe darker places wed rather pretend werent therethen
how deep and long lasting will said empowerment and healing actu-
ally be?
As or mysel, I want to really lay it all out there, both the good
and the bad. Lie can be brutally ugly and grotesque, and I dont wantto pretend otherwise. As much as we like to ignore the things that
scare us, like the act that death is always creeping up on us, what
good does it do to deny lies ugliness? I mean, I hate to be the bearer
o bad news, but at this very moment, you and I, were dying.
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Side A6
O course, its important to celebrate lie and love, riends and
amily, and Im not trying to come across in a morbid way. Rather, I
acknowledge and recognize that, or most o us, theres some scary
shit weve become complacent in ignoring. Once we muster the
courage to look our physical mortality in the ace, though, we open
ourselves to a deeper relationship with our true Sel.
rue spirituality embraces all o this: the beauty that is almost
too much to bear, as well as the pain that leads some to the brink o
insanity. Its all grist or the mill. We practice our asanas and man-
tras, prayers and aspirations, and thats great; but are they serving
to strengthen our identiication as a spiritual person or to help
us release our identiication with that illusion, and in the process
deepen our exploration o more than meets the eye?
Im not perect. Im so ar rom it, its ridiculous, and I want to be
absolutely clear on that. At times I ail at much o what I write about.
I buy in to mental labels o mysel and others, and get caught up in
material shit. Heres a little story to help illustrate this point: Beorewriting this, I was packing up my drums, as Im scheduled to play
kirtan later on at Kripalu, a well-known Yoga retreat center here in
the Northeast. When I inished packing the drums, I grabbed my
Sauconys sneakers, but noticed my pair o Vans sitting right next to
them.
he quandary was that the Sauconys are made rom suede,
while the Vans are made rom canvas. So I stopped or a minute andthought about how I was going to be perorming in ront o a bunch
o yoga practitioners, and well, hmm, what would they think i I were
wearing suede shoes? So yeah, thats the level I was recently coming
rom. But Ill just keep on keepin on and do my best to bring aware-
ness and compassion to the ridiculousness that is Chris Grosso, and
to not take it all so goddamn seriously.*
* P.S. I wore the Saucony. Namaste.