Interpersonal Skills
California Department of Human Resources Statewide Trainingwww.calhr.ca.gov/Training
W O R K S H O P P R E S E N T E D BY
The Los Rios Community College District’s Government Training Center www.LosRiosTraining.org
Bruce Winner916.563.3232
Part of the CALHR Analyst Certificate Program
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Table of Contents Introduction to the Course, Learning Outcomes, Course Objectives ..........................1 Notes on WIIFM ..........................................................................................................1 Interviewing Each Other: Stories of Excellence ..........................................................2 Notes on the Definition of Emotional Intelligence ........................................................3 The Four Domains of Emotional Intelligence ..............................................................3 Exploring Self Awareness ...........................................................................................4 The First Domain of Emotional Intelligence: Self Awareness ......................................5 Exploring the Foundation of EI, Self Awareness .........................................................6 Notes on Memory ........................................................................................................8 What do I Really Do? .................................................................................................8 Broadening Your Self Concept: The Johari Window ...................................................9 Putting the Johari Window to Work ........................................................................... 10 Three Practices to Enhance Emotional Self Awareness ........................................... 10 The Second Domain of Emotional Intelligence: Self Management ........................... 11 Emotions, the Brain and the Body ............................................................................. 12 Proactive vs. Reactive Behaviors .............................................................................. 13 Building Stories: The Ladder of Inference ................................................................. 14 It’s as Simple as ABC…Plus D ................................................................................. 15 Completing your DISC assessment for this class ..................................................... 16 The DISC Model ....................................................................................................... 17 Assumptions to Apply in Using the DISC Personality Assessment .......................... 17 DISC Style Preference Summaries ..................................................................... 18-21 Introversion and Extraversion .................................................................................. 22 Putting Your DISC Knowledge To Work in Your World ............................................ 23 The Third Domain of Emotional Intelligence: Social Awareness .............................. 24 Empathy: The Core of Social Awareness ................................................................ 25 Exercise: Listening Skills Assessment ..................................................................... 26 A Four-step Process for Transforming Behavior ...................................................... 27 The Fourth Domain of Emotional Intelligence: Relationship Management ............... 28 Exercise: Communication Factoids .......................................................................... 29
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Exercise: Words and Phrases that Unite or Divide ................................................. 30 Traversing the Four Levels of Communication ........................................................ 31 Which Level to Use? ................................................................................................ 32 Notes on the Stage and Golden Ball Techniques .................................................... 33 Action Planning for Improved Interpersonal Skills .................................................... 33 A Few Insights Worth Considering ........................................................................... 34 Instructor Bios .......................................................................................................... 35
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Introduction to the Course
A critical element of success in a professional position is the ability to initiate and maintain viable workplace relationships that foster a productive exchange of information. This course provides participants with insights and skills that will help them maximize their productivity by effectively interacting with others to meet the organizational goals and objectives of their particular departments or agencies of the State of California.
Learning Outcomes
By the end of this course, participants will be better able to leverage their emotional intelligence to get the best from themselves and others; use insights from a personality styles assessment to explore differences in how individuals take in, process and act upon information; apply that knowledge to create successful interactions in the workplace; use the skills of effective listening and framing; and expand their ability to operate effectively in the face of differing opinions and personal values.
Course Objectives
This course is designed to help you to:
• Identify the elements of excellent communication • Describe Emotional Intelligence and put it into practice on a daily basis • Enhance your emotional self awareness • Boost your confidence • Choose behaviors that are appropriate to the situation, regardless of your emotional
state • Gain significant insight in regard to how you show up in the world and what motivates
you • Gain insight into others’ motivations and values • Create interpretations of your experience that empower you and others • Enhance your listening skills • Transform behaviors that you find to be unsatisfactory • Use language in a powerful way • Manage situations in which you are being attacked verbally • Get over yourself
What do you want out of this experience?
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Interviewing Each Other: Stories of Excellence
1. Round One - Partners • Partner A: Pose the following to your interviewee:
Tell me about someone you know who has excellent interpersonal skills. What specifically does this person do and/or say that makes their interactions so powerful? Give examples.
• Partner B: Tells his/her story; Partner A records notes in the “Interview Notes” box. 2. Round Two – Partners reverse roles. 3. Round Three- In groups, create a list of the interpersonal skills/ characteristics that
emerged in people’s stories and record them in the box below to share with the class.
Interview Notes
Characteristics of Outstanding Communication
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Notes on the Definition of Emotional Intelligence:
The Four Domains of Emotional Intelligence
In their book, Put Emotional Intelligence to Work, Jeff Feldman and Karl Mulle identify several “Guiding Principles” to maximizing the effectiveness of one’s emotional intelligence. They include:
1. Without an awareness of your _______________, your EI is ____________________.
2. __________ __________________ is the foundational skill of Emotional Intelligence.
3. You can’t respond productively to emotions that you are _______ _____________
______ or don’t fully _______________________.
4. Building self-awareness begins with the _____________________________ to do so.
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Exploring Self Awareness: What are you feeling at this moment?
1. Do any of these faces represent what you’re feeling right now? If so, great. If not, no problem: draw a face if you’d like.
2. In the space below, list a few adjectives (not a whole paragraph) that describe your current
emotional state.
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The First Domain of Emotional Intelligence: Self Awareness
Emotional self-awareness requires that you recognize and tune into your emotional state and go beyond mere recognition of your emotions to a deeper exploration of why you are experiencing that emotion. Authors Feldman and Mulle include the following in their definition of Self Awareness:
• Recognizing the ____________ your emotions are having on your _______________.
• Seeking to _____________________ your emotions.
• Identifying where your emotions are ___________________ _____________.
• Uncovering the __________________ of your emotions.
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Exploring the Foundation of EI, Self Awareness
• Recall a situation in which you wish you had reacted differently.• Answer questions 1-6 as they relate to the situation you’ve identified.
1. What were you feeling in the above situation?_______ Fearful_______ Defensive _______ Anxious _______ Happy _______ Embarrassed in a positive way (for example, someone paid you a compliment
and you were glad he/she did and felt it was appropriately done) _______ Embarrassed in a negative way (for instance, you were publicly insulted) _______ Other (Write the feeling here: ___________________________)
2. Why did you feel that way?Write your statement in the form “I felt feeling because reason .”
3. How did you respond to the feelings you’ve listed above?_______ Withdrew completely from the situation_______ Stayed in the situation but tried to steer the interaction in another direction _______ Stayed in the situation and pretended you were in agreement _______ Became verbally or physically abusive _______ Disparaged the other person or people _______ Tried to out-talk the other person or people _______ Other (Describe it)
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Exercise: Exploring the Foundation of EI: Self Awareness (continued)
4. How was your body responding while you were feeling in the way you indicated? _______ Tense, folded arms or fists _______ Clenched jaw _______ Sweat…lip, brow, under arms, scalp, palms _______ Face or forehead strained, brow knitted _______ Drumming fingers, foot or leg tapping _______ Stomach clenched _______ Shoulders and/or neck tight _______ Other. Please describe:
5. Identify some of the ways that you might act differently in the future when you notice the
reactions identified in #3 or your physical cues in #4.
6. What would be the benefit of your acting differently?
Adapted from and used with permission of Pfeiffer, an imprint of Wiley:
Emotional Intelligence in Action by M. Hughes, L. B. Patterson, and J. B. Terrell
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Some Notes on Memory:
Memory is not __________________________________.
It is, rather, ____________________________________.
What do I really do? 1. Reflect on the stories that you’ve just heard. 2. How would your job description read if you described it in relation to the deeper purpose
your job serves? 3. In the space below, write a one-sentence statement of the impact your job has:
• Don’t give us any technical details about what you do or where you work. • Just tell us how your job makes a difference. • Examples: “I help kids in California get quality health care.” Or “I help make sure that
taxpayers’ money is spent wisely.”
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Broadening Your Self Concept: The Johari Window
A healthy self concept produces confidence and self-esteem in all of us. Psychologist Joseph Luft (Jo) and Harrington Ingham (Hari) developed the Johari Window model to help us understand the importance of self-disclosure and feedback in developing our self-concept. As you listen to the discussion of the Johari Window, complete the blanks in the diagram below.
We are at our best (…at our most emotionally intelligent) when we operate from quadrant one (Q1) of the Johari Window (Known to Others…Known to Self). This quadrant is identified as “accurate self-assessment” by Put Emotional Intelligence to Work authors Jeff Feldman and Karl Mulle. By enlarging what is known to us and to others about ourselves, we broaden our ability to work comfortably and confidently.
• We can enlarge the Open quadrant into the Hidden quadrant by ___________ __________information about ourselves that we’ve been hiding.
• We can enlarge the Open quadrant into the Blind quadrant by ___________ __________what others are thinking and saying about us.
• And we can expand the Open quadrant into the Unknown quadrant by ___________
__________, by exploring and breaking through our fear barriers.
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Putting the Johari Window to Work
• To expand the Open Quadrant into the Hidden Quadrant:Make a list of stuff you’ve been hiding and start sharing it with people you trust.
• To expand the Open Quadrant into the Blind Quadrant: Think of people you trust and ask them for insight on how others see you.
• To expand the Open Quadrant into the Unknown Quadrant: Create a bucket list of stuff you’ve been afraid to try and start DOING IT.
Three Practices to Enhance Emotional Self Awareness
• Notes on Setting an Awareness Trigger:
• Notes on Going to the Balcony:
• Notes on Approaching People with a Spirit of Benevolence:
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The Second Domain of Emotional Intelligence: Self Management
In Put Emotional Intelligence to Work, authors Jeff Feldman and Karl Mulle identify several “Guiding Principles” to maximize the effectiveness of one’s emotional intelligence. Principles which relate specifically to self-management include:
1. Essentially all emotions are signals to______________ ________________.
2. Transformation happens when you make new ________________ and make them
____________________________.
3. Self Awareness is as fundamental to _________ ______________________ as a clock is
to _________________ __________________________.
4. When it comes to managing your response to emotions, what you think about __________
______________________ _____ ______ is more important than what actually
______________________ to you.
5. _______________ in ways you want to ___________ and then _________ in ways that are
___________________ with that emotion.
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Emotions, the Brain and the Body
As you listen to the discussion on this topic, take notes on the graphic of the brain and in the space below.
1. ______________ Brain
2. ______________ Brain
3. ______________ Brain
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Proactive vs. Reactive Behaviors
1. Consider the disruptive emotion that your group has been assigned 2. In your group, list for this emotion examples of:
• Reactive behaviors (things people do instinctually without thinking) and • Proactive behaviors (constructive actions people can take in response to the emotion)
3. Record your ideas below. As you listen to others, also record their ideas in the table.
Disruptive Emotion Reactive Behaviors Proactive Behaviors
Anger
Defensiveness
Anxiety/Fear
Guilt/Shame
Embarrassment
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Building Stories: The Ladder of Inference
As you listen to the discussion on this topic, complete the blanks on the diagram below.
Used as a tool, the Ladder of Inference is a great aid to self-understanding and clear communication with others. You can improve your emotional intelligence and interpersonal skills by using the Ladder of Inference in the following ways:
• Become more aware of your own thinking and reasoning• Make your thinking and reasoning more visible to others• Inquire into others’ thinking and reasoning
You may also surprise yourself when you take the time to understand the steps to the conclusions you make. It is also powerful to be able to show others the steps of your reasoning. They may not end up always agreeing with your conclusions, but they will better understand how you got there (which may open the door to creating more mutually agreeable solutions to an issue). Some questions to ask when using the Ladder as an analytical tool for yourself and others:
• What observable data are associated with what I (they) heard or saw?• Does everyone agree on what the data is?• Can you take me through your reasoning?• How did we get from those data to these abstract assumptions?• When you said/did “(what ever was said)”, did you mean “(my assumption of what they
meant)”?Things to be aware of when using the Ladder of Inference:
• Conversations using these tools take practice.• When the observable data seem especially self-evident, be careful. If your manner
suggests that it must be equally self-evident to everyone else, you may cut off the chance totest the data objectively.
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It’s as Simple as ABC…Plus D
Dr. Albert Ellis introduced a concept called Rational Emotive Therapy based on the ideas that, in his words, …your feelings follow your beliefs and What you believe about your world determines how you feel. He says it basically works as simply as A-B-C. But, we don’t have to be at the mercy of the ABC’s because we have the power to add another block, “D”. As you listen to the discussion about this topic, complete the blanks in the graphic below.
So the cycle works like this:
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Completing your DISC assessment for this class 1. Access the following web page on your computer, tablet or smartphone:
123test.com/disc-personality-test/2. Follow the instructions to complete the test. After you’ve finished, the program displays a pie
graph similar to this (in addition to other information):
3. Using the pie graph from the online results page, fill in the table below as follows:a. List the four styles in the order they appear in the pie graph’s legend; use each style’s
initial (D, I, S or C) instead of the whole style name.b. For each style preference, write its percentage.c. Place an asterisk to the right of any style preference with a percentage greater than 25%.
Example from the graph shown above: Your Results:
D-I-S-C % >25% D-I-S-C % >25%S 35% * I 32% *
C 21% D 12%
A Review of the DISC System The foundation of what we call DISC was first described by William Moulton Marston in 1928. His research pointed toward what he called four ‘primary emotions’ that he associated with particular sets of characteristic behaviors. While Marston never used his ideas as a typology (a way to label individuals as a specific ‘type’), he did believe that each person would project a greater intensity and frequency of the behaviors of one or two of the styles. He believed that by understanding how our ‘normal’ emotional responses adapt to the demands of people, situations, and societal expectations, we could evolve into better-integrated people”…that is, individuals who possessed and were able to demonstrate a higher degree of emotional intelligence. Using Dr. Marston’s work as a base, others developed a model that describes the four personality style preferences commonly known as Dominance, Influence, Steadiness, and Conscientiousness. Dr. Marston never copyrighted his work, so its main concepts remain in the public domain, resulting in a number of instruments developed by different individuals and organizations to assess and describe the four style preferences. In this class, we use an instrument made available for free on the 123test web site. The following diagram, modified from a model developed by Inscape Publishers, describes the DISC system in terms of how an individual relates to his or her environment.
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The DISC Model
Assumptions to Apply in Using the DISC Personality Assessment In working with any tool that assesses and identifies an individual’s personality style preferences, it is important that we hold some basic assumptions, including:
• There are no wrong or right styles.• All styles have strengths and limitations.• Everyone has a mixture of styles, although most individuals have a preferred style or styles.• Styles are behavioral based and therefore observable.• All styles can be more or less effective depending upon how an individual modifies his/her
behavior to meet the needs of others in any given situation.• Respect is the foundation of utilizing style knowledge.
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DISC Style Preference Summaries Dominance
Alternate designators Director, Captain
Key statement “Get it done now.”
Motivated by Winning, competition, successful task completion, new challenges, being in control, autonomy, being given more authority, freedom from routine, solving problems
Respects and values
Immediate results, action, personal freedom, challenges, concrete results, competency, quick decisions, questioning the status quo, realism, clear communication
Potential barriers to success
Can move too fast. ignoring important details; can ramrod actions; can be seen by others as rude, uncaring, impatient, intimidating; excessive skepticism, difficulty delegating to others, overcommitting
Preferred work environment
Fast paced, challenging, dynamic, always changing with new challenges emerging, freedom from supervision
How to reward Provide more authority and autonomy, supply new challenges and opportunities, provide independence and opportunities to control
Communication preferences
Quick, direct, to the point; avoid extraneous information; “Don’t waste my time;” provide solutions, not just problems; avoid unnecessary details but know what you’re talking about
Can benefit from working with others…
…who are cautious, detail-oriented, aware of long-term, global consequences; …who consider people factors such as motivation and job satisfaction; …who can skillfully communicate and persuade others to act cooperatively
Worst fear Being manipulated
Value to the team
Organization, time management, initiating change, challenging ineffective elements of the status quo
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DISC Style Preference Summaries (continued)
Influence Alternate designators Inspirational, Motivator
Key statement “Let’s acknowledge and appreciate everybody.”
Motivated by Social recognition, opportunities to create, democratic relationships, acknowledging and supporting others, optimism, excitement
Respects and values
Creativity, constructive humor, thinking outside the box, teamwork, harmony, mutual respect, encouragement and support, idealism, personal engagement, enthusiasm, the big picture rather than details
Potential barriers to success
Strong desire to please; challenged in staying on task; inattention to details; can be seen by others as flighty, unbusinesslike, too social; inconsistent follow-through; sometimes unskilled in managing time; difficulty in being critical of others’ performance
Preferred work environment
Fun, informal, colorful, creative, minimal structure, non-hierarchical, lots of praise and recognition for accomplishments, human interaction encouraged, focused more on people than production
How to reward Recognize publicly, acknowledge personal qualities that relate to interpersonal communication and teamwork; provide freedom to create and innovate; find others to handle details
Communication preferences
Business communication tempered with personal connection; appreciation for energy, enthusiasm, optimism and creativity; focus on people-related support and concerns
Can benefit from working with others…
…who are logic-centered and focused on details; …who balance people concerns with task orientation; …who tend to be assertive and speak directly and succinctly; …who are well organized and who follow through consistently
Worst fear Being ignored or rejected
Value to the team Provides motivation and social interaction, enthusiasm, big picture thinking, creative problem solving, negotiation and peacemaking, appropriate humor
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DISC Style Preference Summaries (continued)
Steadiness Alternate designator Supporter
Key statement “If it’s not broke, don’t fix it, and, please, let’s just work together.”
Motivated by Peace and harmony; ability to be of service; quiet, sincere appreciation
Respects and values
Loyalty, patience, consistency, security, warm interpersonal interaction, teamwork, humility, tact
Potential barriers to success
Resistance to change (especially when sudden and unplanned), overly accommodating, avoidance of conflict, can take criticism too personally, averse to risks, lack of flexibility, difficulty establishing priorities
Preferred work environment
Quiet, low key, harmonious, unstressed, team-oriented, predictable routine, respect for work-life balance
How to reward Recognize quietly, acknowledge contributions, validate self-worth
Communication preferences
Calm, clear, thoughtful, respectful, empathetic, organized, no surprises; providing full explanation, background and clear directions; avoiding drama and conflict, not pushy
Can benefit from working with others…
…who are appropriately assertive and can apply pressure to others; …who are creative and appreciate the value of change; …who can skillfully prioritize work and can work well in an unpredictable environment
Worst fear Chaos
Value to the team Offers harmony, loyalty, reliability, consistent production, a talent for creating peace, ability to quietly acknowledge and support others
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DISC Style Preference Summaries (continued)
Conscientiousness Alternate designators Cautious, Compliant, Analyst
Key statement “I’ve got to get it right: the more data the better.”
Motivated by Clear directions and expectations, access to as much data as possible, autonomy, ability to work independently
Respects and values
Accuracy, order, clarity, lots of detail, devotion to quality (as they define it), close adherence to rules and procedures, diplomatic interaction, cogent analysis, systematic approaches
Potential barriers to success
Perfectionism, missing deadlines due to being bogged down in details, judgmental of others’ lack of attention to detail, inflexibility, lack of creativity, excessive focus on rules and standards, excessive conflict avoidance, difficulty delegating to others
Preferred work environment
Low key, businesslike, individual rather than team-based, high value on quality and accuracy, minimal requirements for social interaction
How to reward Quietly recognize specific skills and achievements, provide autonomy after having given clear direction, assign tasks that involve challenging analysis within a reasonable time frame
Communication preferences
Calm, respectful, detailed but succinct, well-organized, extremely clear in regard to tasks and expectations, communicate the “why,” provide opportunities for questions and requests for clarity, offer written data and documentation when possible
Can benefit from working with others…
…who tend to see the big picture and can make quick decisions, …who can balance task focus with people focus, …who see policies as guidelines rather than unbreakable rules, …who encourage teamwork, …who prioritize well and are skilled at meeting deadlines
Worst fears Criticism; being incapable of getting it right
Value to the team Provides ongoing reality checks, even-tempered presence, systematic approaches, thoroughness, detail orientation, able to clearly define tasks, situations and options
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Introversion and Extraversion
Based on how people respond to _______________________________________
Preference for _______________________________
• Energized through ___________________________
• Focus on the __________________________ environment
• _______________________ to _______________________
Preference for _______________________________
• Energized through ___________________________
• Focus on the __________________________ environment
• _______________________ to _______________________
• Different from shyness, which is a fear of _________________________________
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Putting Your DISC Knowledge To Work in Your World 1. In the first column, enter the names of key individuals with whom you work. 2. In the second and third columns, enter each person’s perceived DISC style and
Introversion/Extraversion preference. 3. Based on what you now know about DISC styles and Introversion/Extraversion, list some
strategies in the fourth column for communicating effectively with each person.
Individual Perceived Preference Based on his/her perceived DISC and I/E style, what should I
keep in mind (do or not do) to communicate effectively with this individual? DISC I/E
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The Third Domain of Emotional Intelligence: Social Awareness
Authors Jeff Feldman and Karl Mulle further identified “Guiding Principles” which relate to maximizing social awareness. They include (please fill in the blanks):
• ________________________ first, then being ___________________________.
• ________________________ first, then being __________________ ________.
• ________________________ first, then being __________________ ________.
• _________________ _______________ are as important as _______________.
• ___________________ _________________ is as important as ______________ it.
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Empathy: The Core of Social Awareness
As you listen to the discussion on this topic, complete the blanks below:
• Empathy means taking an ______________ _______________ in the concerns of others.
• It doesn’t mean _________________ ___________________________.
• Empathy creates a ______________________ ______________________ that makes it easier for people to explore mutually beneficial agreements.
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Exercise: Listening Skills Assessment
1. Evaluate your current listening skills by reading each of the skills listed in the left column. Ask questions for clarification, if needed.
2. Consider your current level of ability at each, and put a check () or an ‘x’ in the box to the right that best reflects your current level of ability.
3. When you have finished this assessment, complete the first question on the next page. 4. Wait for instructions to do the final activity.
Skills Very difficult for me
OK – some room for
improvement I’m great at
this!
Listening for facts Asking open-ended questions Listening to my own feelings Listening to others’ feelings Expressing my feelings appropriately Paraphrasing Not interrupting Confronting conflict Remembering information Not completing others’ sentences Not giving unsolicited advice Making appropriate eye contact Observing body language (mine/theirs) Being comfortable with silence Giving the sender my full attention Asking questions for clarity Taking notes for retention Not formulating what I’m going to say next Encouraging feedback
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Exercise: Listening Skills Assessment (continued)
Which skill(s) is (are) most challenging for you?
Brainstorm with your partner/group some ideas on how you can improve the skills that you listed above. List them below.
A Four-step Process for Transforming Behavior 1. Identify a behavior you find to be unsatisfying. 2. Identify an alternative behavior 3. Commit to being aware of the unsatisfactory behavior before you do it. 4. Do the alternative behavior instead of the unsatisfactory behavior.
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The Fourth Domain of Emotional Intelligence: Relationship Management (The Domain of Leadership)
Relationship Management, the fourth and final domain of emotional intelligence, can be called the Domain of Leadership. It is virtually impossible to be effective in this domain of emotional intelligence without being well developed in the preceding three domains: self awareness, self management and social awareness. A critical element of success in relationship management, whether we are talking about successfully developing others, leading with inspiration, effectively influencing others, being a catalyst for change, managing conflict or building effective teams, is the ability to communicate effectively. During the preceding section of this class we have explored the number one element of effective communication, the skill of listening. In this section, we will explore other aspects of communication.
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Exercise: Communication Factoids
Working with your group, answer the following questions and put your answer in the blank spaces provided in each question. While you should strive for group consensus, you don’t have to agree on all your answers. Note: Please do not use your smart phone to find the answers on the web. They are readily available, but it is better for the purposes of this exercise that you work with your colleagues to arrive at the best estimates rather than just looking up the information.
1. If the total message in face-to-face communication equals 100%, what percentageof the total message is made up of these elements?
Verbal (the words) ______%
Vocal (the paralanguage…tone, pitch, rate, inflection, etc.) ______%
Visual (body language) ______%
2. Most face-to-face business conversations take place at distance of
_____________________________(feet, inches, and/or yards)
3. Most people speak at a rate of __________words per minute, and can listen at a
rate of__________ words per minute with at least minimal comprehension, while
they can actually process information (think) at a rate of approximately
__________words per minute.
4. After about 48 hours, we retain approximately ____% of the information we hear.
More information on information retention:
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Exercise: Words and Phrases that Unite or Divide
1. In your groups come up with as many words and phrases as you can that: • Unite…support rapport and/or indicate competence and effectiveness. • Divide people or limit options.
2. Capture your words and phrases in the table below. 3. Be prepared to share this information with the whole class.
Words/Phrases that Unite Words/Phrases that Divide
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Traversing the Four Levels of Communication The goal of interpersonal skills is to establish exemplary communication with other individuals. This means that we are communicating in sync with others. Problems can arise in our communication, however, when we are communicating at different levels, when we respond to one level of communication with the language or behavior of a different level. In his book, Emotional Intelligence at Work, Dr. Hendrie Weisinger identifies four levels of communication. They are:
• Niceties: This encompasses pleasantries you exchange with someone. It serves to acknowledge other’s presence without going beyond the initial greeting. The speaker usually doesn’t expect much of a response and usually doesn’t listen very closely if given one. There is a legitimate purpose for this type of communication, although we must be aware that it establishes only the flimsiest connection between individuals.
• Factual information: It is often part of one’s basic job duties to exchange information of a factual nature. While it may seem counterintuitive, there is, in fact, an emotional component even to this factual level of communication. It does, therefore, serves the person presenting the facts to note how the facts are being interpreted and received. Once you detect the emotional content, you have the option of dealing with it. (It is especially important to acknowledge the feelings in fact-based information exchanges like performance appraisals and any feedback situation.) By addressing someone’s concern about the facts, you make the facts more acceptable to that person.
• Thoughts and Ideas: This level is characterized by statements such as, “I think…” or “A good idea might be…”. Weisinger states that this level introduces a greater degree of vulnerability because we all have a certain investment in our thoughts and ideas and fear that our ideas will be rejected or our thoughts dismissed as unworthy.
• Feelings: This level represents the possibility of highest risk and the greatest rewards. Communicating at this level can be difficult, Weisinger says, because we’re unaccustomed to doing it, we fear repercussions and it makes us feel vulnerable.
Obviously, the best communication occurs when we can appropriately access any and all of the four levels of communication. We can learn to flex our communication level by identifying the levels at which both the speaker and listener are communicating; by matching our level to the other person’s; by knowing when to shift to a different level. Dr. Weisinger offers the following recommendations regarding shifting to a different communication level.
Movement Level When...
Shift to Facts someone is very angry
Shift to Feelings someone communicates despondency nonverbally
Stay in Thoughts/Ideas or Feelings your goal is to build trust and consensus
Stay in Thoughts/Ideas or Facts you are doing problem solving
Stay in Niceties you are not prepared to have a more meaningful conversation
Think twice about shifting to a different level the speaker is in a position of power or control
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Which Level to Use? Work within your group to analyze each of the scenarios in the table below and to propose appropriate responses to the situations. Situation One: You have about forty-five minutes to finish preparing for a meeting that you will facilitate. You've telephoned a colleague to get some information on budget figures that you'll need for the meeting and she's asking you to tell her about your recent vacation in Florida. At which level is the other person operating? Feelings Thoughts and Ideas Factual Information Niceties It would be advisable to shift to this level: Feelings Thoughts and Ideas Factual Information Niceties Don't shift What could you say in an effort to shift levels?
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
Situation Two: You've set up a meeting with a colleague to work on a joint project. When you get to his desk, you can see that he has a cold and that he must feel miserable. He starts right into the meeting by sharing with you the material his research has uncovered, but he seems to have some trouble focusing and getting organized. At which level is the other person operating? Feelings Thoughts and Ideas Factual Information Niceties It would be advisable to shift to this level: Feelings Thoughts and Ideas Factual Information Niceties Don't shift What could you say in an effort to shift levels?
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
Situation Three: A manager in another area of your organization has called you to ask why a particular report is late. You are working on the report, but you were told very clearly in an e-mail message that the report is due next week. The manager on the other end of the line doesn't accept this information and becomes very angry. At which level is the other person operating? Feelings Thoughts and Ideas Factual Information Niceties It would be advisable to shift to this level: Feelings Thoughts and Ideas Factual Information Niceties Don't shift What could you say in an effort to shift levels?
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
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Notes on the Stage and Golden Ball Techniques:
Action Planning for Enhancing Interpersonal Skills
What will you do to expand your interpersonal skills? 1. As you review the materials covered in class, decide on three things that you will do
to enhance your interpersonal skills. Record them in the first column. 2. Think about what’s in it for you to accomplish each of these objectives. What will
you get out of it? Enter your answers in column two. 3. What is the first step that you will take to accomplish each of these objectives? By
when will you take that first step? Enter your answers in column three.
What will you do to enhance your
interpersonal skills?
What is the WIIFM for you if you accomplish
this objective?
What is the first step you will take to accomplish
this objective? By when?
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A Few Insights Worth Considering
→ Where the language goes, then energy flows. When we talk about problems, we get more problems; when we talk about vision and possibility, we get more vision and possibility.
→ Memory is not an act of recall; it’s an act of creation.
→ “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” (Wayne Dyer)
→ “The difference between false memories and true ones is the same as for jewels: it is always the false ones that look…the most brilliant.” (Salvador Dalì)
→ “I’m willing to release that part of me that irritates me when I look at you.” (Irish wisdom)
→ “I would rather have questions that can’t be answered than answers that can’t be questioned.” (Richard Feynmann)
→ Pain is mandatory. Suffering is optional.
→ Suffering = Reality x Resistance
→ “You cannot suffer the past or the future because they do not exist. What you’re suffering is your memory and imagination.” (Sadhguru)
→ The Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The Platinum Rule: Do unto others as THEY would have you do unto them.
→ "Our deepest fear is not that we are weak. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? … Your playing small does not serve the world ... As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." (Nelson Mandela)
→ “We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.” (Gautama Buddha)
→ Substitute curiosity for judgment.
→ “Get over yourself.” (Mike Zeglarski)
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Instructor Bios
Kimberly Geil. PhD, ACC
Kim Geil is the founder of Coaching Heights, a coaching business that specializes in helping people make their jobs better through the science of job crafting. Dr. Geil is based in Sacramento, CA, and does training, facilitation, curriculum development, editing and more for various state agencies. She spends her summers in Grand Teton National Park, WY, where she facilitates soft skills and leadership training for the 70+ guides at Exum Mountain Guides. She is passionate about building community and helping people optimize all facets of their work, relationships, and day-to-day lives.
Kim Geil has a B.A. in sociology from Stanford University, and received her doctorate in Educational Psychology and Research on Teaching from the University of Colorado at Boulder in 2011. Her research focused on burnout and engagement among teachers and transformative professional development opportunities.
She is a Certified MentorCoach through MentorCoach, a member of the first class of certified Optimize Coaches through Optimize.me, and an Associate Certified Coach with the International Coach Federation. Contact Info: (303) 916-1171 [email protected] www.CoachingHeights.com Mike Zeglarski, MAT, D.Min.
Mike Zeglarski is a Principal and Co-founder of HRT Associates, a private consultancy dedicated to helping corporate and government organizations to build productive and rewarding work environments.
Mike holds both BA and Master of Arts in teaching degrees from Harvard University, as well as a Doctor of Ministry degree from Wisdom University, based in San Francisco. Mike is all about offering tools in dynamic and interactive environments that people and groups can use to explore and express their highest potential, through coaching, training, and facilitation. He has over 35 years of experience in both the private and public sectors as an educator, a manager/executive, a business analyst, a curriculum developer, an organization development specialist, and a professional and life coach.
Mike’s emphasis goes way beyond the academic: it is always focused on helping clients to achieve results Contact Info: (916) 705-7651 [email protected]
Bruce [email protected]
The Los Rios Community College District’s Government Training Center
www.LosRiosTraining.org
The Los Rios Government Training Academy is the largest provider of customized training to public agencies in the greater Capital Region. Los Rios is the region’s leader in creating effective, Innovative workforce development solutions and programs.
Our expert trainers and consultants have decades of proven experience creating and delivering innovative courses that engage learners and assure employee success and value to the organization. You will find the Government Training Academy’s solutions to be cost-effective, flexible and include proven methods for assuring that the training has a positive impact and the value of training can be measured.
Government Training AcademyCustom training division of Los Rios Community College District
