Porklequin

„Goodness, what a timeless masterpiece!“The New Pork Times

„A breath-taking novel about love, laughter ,and joy in the belly.“ The Passion Beachcomber

Into the Gloaming

Dedicated to Goblin, who ran for the wheelchair.Thank you, dear friend.

So long as you have food in your mouth, you have solved all questions for the time being.

Franz Kafka

Chapter 1:

Luana slowly opened her eyes. Things were fuzzy, unfocused. She didn’t know where she was but she knew it was unfamiliar. The smell of home had been replaced by something acrid, medicinal. Clean? Clean.

As her eyes adjusted, the first thing she noticed were 20-30 concerned faces standing around. Dear friends, all of them. There were murmurs among the crowd as they noticed her eyelids slowly, forcefully opening. There was a commotion at the back of the room (a hospital room, it occurred to Luana) and the crowd parted to let a team of doctors through. The doctors all wore looks of urgent concern as they came to the bedside.

“Luana,” the doctor with the kind eyes intoned, “Oh, Luana. I hope you don’t mind that I brought in a team of doctors to work with me. It’s just, well, it’s just that your case is so extraordinary.” He looked down, obviously distrau-ght. She could feel her breath catch in her throat but was unable to speak. He fiddled with his clipboard while he pondered his next words. “Luana, I’m afraid to tell you that you have the worst case of porktussis that I’ve ever encountered.” His eyes met Luana‘s again and a single tear coursed down his cheek.

The crowd gasped in unison. Several of the doctors bit their knuckles to keep from crying out.

The main doctor continued, “Luana, you’re so good, giving, beautiful, and full of light that I can’t imagine why or how this happened to you. The good news is, given your extraordinary health, you should live another thirty

Awakening

years.” He took a sharp intake of breath before delivering the following, “But you’ll be bedridden and in pain.” He could no longer contain his tears and fled the room, the other doctors following.

Thoughts raced through Luana’s head. She wondered how this could hap-pen to her. She had so much to give and was unsure if she could do it from her bed. She thought of the half-finished mixtape she was making for her friend Rebus who had recently been widowed, and the magazine collage she was creating for the local orphanage. Would she still be able to spread all the light and goodness that emanated from her very core?

Several of Luana’s friends rushed in, pressing warm washcloths to her temples and arranging her bedsheets. She felt the warm comfort of being cared for even though she couldn’t express it as she was still unable to talk or move. She saw how happy, how fulfilled her dear, dear friends were in anticipating her desires and she thought, “Yes. Yes, I can still give”. And she fell back asleep.

When Luana awoke once more, the room was empty. She was sad but it gave her a chance to notice how beautiful the light was. She was always noticing things like that, wallowing in them. People always told her how she was better than anyone else in the world at enjoying the now.

Someone cleared their throat, interrupting Luana’s thoughts. She looked towards the doorway and gasped.

It was him.

The Prankster.

He was standing in the doorway, leaning against the doorjamb.

“Hey you.” He said nonchalantly, cupping a mug of coffee with both hands. Luana didn’t want him to see her like this but she couldn’t look away either. She opened her mouth to speak.

The Prankster rushed to her bedside placing one finger to her lips, shushing her. “Oh Luana!” He cried, “I’m so sorry I left!” Luana tried to lift her arm to comfort him and when he saw the effort he grasped at her hand. A small smile shone through his tears.

“Are you hungry?” The Prankster asked. Luana feebly nodded. The Prank-ster reached for a cup of pudding that sat on the bedside table. He slowly peeled back the lid and licked the unctuous substance off the back of the foil. His eyes rolled back in his head and he groaned. Slowly he dipped the

Chapter 2: The Prankster‘s Return

spoon in until it was coated in the slippery slime and he guided the spoon towards Luana’s mouth. She accepted the spoon and reveled in the creami-ness.

Suddenly, a paroxysm of pain raced through Luana’s body. Her back arched up. She watched The Prankster’s face grow very concerned as he unsuccess-fully tried to avert his eyes from her low-cut nightgown. He held her hand until the pain had passed.

“Oh, Luana,” he sobbed, “I will never leave you again!”

“Her?” Luana croaked.

He knew exactly who Luana was referring to. “I’m done with her. I thought I wanted a thin, wan woman who I had a lot in common with but it just led me to unhappiness. She just pretended to live in food, she was a fraud” he said bitterly. The Prankster looked at her tenderly, “I’ll never leave. I will take care of you for the rest of your life”. He looked around as all of Luana’s dear friends filed back into the room, “We all will”.

It was Luana’s eyes that welled up with tears this time.

With happiness.

Not only Luana cried. All her dear friends grew teary-eyed as The Prankster took Luana’s hand and pressed his beautifully curved lips softly, oh so softly, into her palm. „Luana,“ he whispered, his voice trembling, „My darling Luana, my lovely Whitman girl, I want to ask you now and in front of those who have grown closest to you: Will you m…“

A firm knock on the door. All the good people in the light-flooded hospital room looked at each other, worriedly. Mungo? Was unsuspecting Mun-go, the sweet goofball, coming? Now? Shouldn’t he be busy hauling and dragging the 68 feet long table from the kitchen thtudio to the family home today, on his own? Or was Shannon knocking? Jealous Shannon, still un-married of course, with her shiny blonde hair?

But Luana’s visitor was neither Mungo nor Shannon. It was am man none of the circle of Island friends had ever seen before. He was in his 60s, big-boned, with short, chopped off looking gray hair and a huge chin. On the pocket of his gray, faded shirt was a greasy spot.

„Surprise!“ he said, spreading his arms. „Luana, I’m your Uncle Why-Kel from Pamano! Your family left in the early 80s, and I couldn’t find you be-cause you guys now go by the name of Jameth. But here I am.“ He grinned, mischievously. „And I need 92.612 bucks. On the barrelhead. Or I’m gonna tell all your fine friends here not only why you changed your name, but also why you had to.“

Chapter 3: Shadows of the Past

Shadows of the PastChapter 4:

A thin, wan nurse bustled in the door and impatiently ordered everyone to leave. She looked like she had only had a bowl of cereal to start her day. This would account for her short temper. Luana struggled to rise from her bed. She had a stricken look on her face. She needed to be surrounded by this love and light. How would she heal without it. She managed to gasp out.

„My….people!“ She fell back utterly exhausted from the effort.

The Prankster leaned close and murmured, „You must get your rest. If you do not recover, how can I go on? I have kept myself away for too long, not daring to hope that we could be together. This has been a wake up call for me. We can‘t come this far and lose it all now. Rest. Peace and light guard you while you sleep. I will meet you in my dreams tonight.“

With that he rose and left the room. The others followed without speaking. How could they intrude upon the holy moment they had just witnessed. Luana sank back into her pillows. She was so cold. She needed some heated blankets piled on for warmth. Where had that nurse gone? Too weary to push the button she surrendered to the bone crushing weariness. Yet her heart was warmed from the love that had been in this room. It was now a sacred place.

Luana was almost sleep when she heard a loud „ppppbbbbbtttttttt“ and became conscious of a familiar smell tickling her nose. It was a smell that sounded of bending knees, it tasted of boisterous laughter and had the sound of drippy, saucy quesadillas. Ah, this smell was home. She forced her eye-lids open to find Mungo kneeling by her side.

A Fragrant Intrusion

Chapter 5:The PleasingLuana’s eyes opened slowly. A faint humming met her ears. A machine – was she on the ferry?

Ah, no. She remembered now. She squinted down at two large, cylindrical objects arranged in front of her. Barely discernable under 8 – 20 blan-kets, lay Luana’s immobile legs. A rustling sound came from her bedside, and the doctor with the kind eyes peered above his copy of the New York Times. He smiled, thrilled at Luana’s small movement.“You’re awake.”

Luana barely lifted her left wrist. The doctor understood, immediately.“Yes. You’re trying to say yes. I’ve heard all about your tattoo.” His eyes twinkled.

Luana closed her eyes, enraptured. It was so wonderful to be heard of. She never grew tired of hearing the joy she brought to the lives of others, just by breathing and saying yes to every food item that crossed her path.“Luana,” the doctor’s face grew grave. “You grew unconscious suddenly a few hours ago. Some individuals from your past entered the room, and you seemed to be overwhelmed. I had them removed, immediately. I cannot risk any shock or effort on your part at this difficult time.”

Luana nodded, gratefully.

“I also sent away your friends. They protested, and I had to argue with them for hours. But I feel you need your rest. I am releasing you from the hospital this afternoon, but that does not outweigh the serious effects of your condition. I would recommend you pass along all the most difficult

tasks from your life to your friends for the next few months.”

Her condition. A beam of joy shot through Luana at the thought. At last, a name, that could give her the results she longed for. Porktussis.

“I’m sure you want to know more about your condition.” The doctor said. A viscous tear dribbled into his grey beard. “I am overwhelmed by your capability to accept this suffering so bravely, Luana.” He reached into the pocket of his white coat, and withdrew a folded sheet of paper. He unfurled Luana’s broad palm, and slid the paper into her sweaty fingers.

“When you’re ready,” he whispered.

The doctor moved to the door and stopped. He turned, and stared at the lar-ge, immobile figure for several moments. His lips trembled, and he wiped tears from his eyes several times.

“So joyful,” he muttered, and the door closed behind him.

Luana lay for several moments, ruminating. At last she mustered the strength to open the paper, and read these words:

PorktussisA condition brought on by the cumulative effects of frequent, joyful con-sumption of pork. The more giving, humbly famous, and selfless the consu-mer is, the greater the effects of continuous pork-feeding.

Symptoms: The need to stop and breath, often. The need to collect income from the hard work of others (thought to originate from the Grift Weevil: See Grift Weevil next page) Glowing red skin Healthy weight gain Guiltless consumption of foods high in fat and calories Need to slow down during all typical life responsibilities

Grift Weevil – a microscopic parasite living in the flesh of pigs raised in joyful CAFOs. Only pigs raised in humane conditions, on a friendly island farm, will harbor this creature. Only rarely will the weevil find a human host it considers worthy of calling home.

Luana felt a sensation rising within her. It burst forth in a deep, guttural chortle.

A reason, at last.

Joy. In the belly. Oh yes.

Only two minutes passed before the door opened again. Luana smiled, broadly. No one could restrain themselves from her life-altering presence for long. Light footsteps sounded, and a thin form towered above her bed. Luana did not have to see his bare feet to recognize her dear old friend.“Vibram!” she hoarsely moaned.

“You were always fond of nicknames,” he murmured gently, placing a thin hand on Luana’s sweating, greasy brow. “I got rid of my Vibrams long ago. They were far too constricting. Shoes are for Americans.”

“Yes.” Luana choked, grinning broadly. She tried to slide her heavy foot from beneath the blankets, to show Vibe that she, too, was barefoot. He immediately knew what she was thinking, and pushed the blanket aside to reveal her swollen flipper.

“Great minds think alike,” he smiled.

“But our minds…” Luana grunted.

“Think more than most people.” He finished. “I haven’t forgotten, Luana.”He opened a large, metal flask and took a lengthy draught into his mouth. Luana smiled, knowingly.

“Yes,” he chuckled. “I still have my old habits. It’s not easy to let go of things, when they’ve been with you since highschool.” His eyes slid over Luana’s heaving, sweaty bosom.

“My ex-wife told me you should have been fired for letting me drink during your classes.”

Luana and Vibe laughed together. A sound deep from within the belly of each.

“You changed my life, Luana.” He stared into Luana’s red face, tears poo-ling in his eyes. “If you hadn’t helped me strengthen the foundations of my drinking habit at such a young age, I would have finished college, still be married, have a job working for a fire insurance company. I would see my kids every day and go to all their school activities and sports games.”“And…now?” croaked Luana.

“I am free to walk up and down the streets of Passion Island, waving my machete and flask all the day long. Free from all trappings of a mercantile society!”Luana beamed proudly at her former student. What a fine job she had done…was still doing. So many lives touched by her sturdy, winter vegeta-ble paws.

Vibe stayed with Luana for several hours, breathing and telling jokes. His jokes seemed to grow in humor as he ingested more of the contents of his silver flask. Luana found herself taking his flask into her mouth, again and again. Vibram grew nearly euphoric at her efforts.

Luana felt increasingly alive. The fluorescent lighting of her hospital room (her hospital room) seemed to waiver and dance before her eyes.

There was a knock at the door.

“Come in!” bellowed Vibram. He jigged his way to the door, and threw it open. There, upon the threshold, stood a familiar, wiry figure.

“I came as soon as I heard.”

The thin old man, softened with age and experience, rushed to Luana’s bed-side, and picked up her hand.

“Luana,” he murmured. “I’ve flown across the country to be here. After all our years together, I couldn’t stay away during your time of suffering.”

Luana shuffled. She groaned, sweat bursting anew across her hefty frame. She heaved a tremulous, jiggling foreleg toward her bedside, and picked up a blue plate. The plate contained a sandy crust, slimed plentifully with globs of congealed strawberries.

“Dave,” croaked Luana. “Please, eat pie.”

Chapter 6:The Gathering

It was all like a dream. Dave – at last, fed at her hand. Well fed. Tears fil-led Luana’s eyes, and when they had all dripped like rain upon her partially exposed bosom, she could see the tears in Dave and Vibram’s eyes as well. They were staring at her, between trying to avert their eyes from her thin nightdress. Luana became aware that she was not wearing underthings. They must have been removed from her unconscious form. For the first time, she became aware that the long strings she had mistaken for IV cords were in fact, the yard-long straps of her bra, draped across the bed frame.

The kind doctor strode into the room.

“I see you have visitors.” He smiled, thrilled at Luana’s popularity. “Most people here lay alone, for days. Not you.”

The men laughed, jostling alongside Luana’s bedside. Each seemed deter-mined to remain closest to her side, to better provide thoughtful strokes to her enervated phalanges. Luana felt well cared for. Safely honored. Her eyes closed in bliss, as the men observed her, reverently.

“It is amazing.” The doctor continued. “The ability of one woman to suffer so much, and yet remain so filled with joy.”

The men nodded. Their eyes shone in the light emanating from the gliste-ning, massive face on the pillow.

A timid knock sounded. The door opened slowly, of its own accord. A small figure entered, and crossed nervously to the foot of Luana’s bed.

“My God!” gasped Vibram. “Gollum!”

Dave turned to him, sternly. “This is the Help, sir. Luana’s husband.”

Vibram’s face grew red. He stumbled a bit, and slumped into a chair, crest-fallen. “I had no idea. I thought Luana was married to a man named Delrio. I was at their wedding. I saw him. He looked like a fairly normal man.”

“I am Delrio…also known as the Help.” mumbled the shy, tiny man. He dragged a toe across a line in the hospital linoleum, barely able to lift his gaze to his wife’s bountiful features. “The children are home with 50 or so of our dearest friends. They thronged the house, determined to find out what happened to you.”

“The children.” groaned Luana.

“Dancing, as always. And I brought you a little something. It’s outside the door. I wanted to make sure it was ok to feed you in your illness.”

The doctor interjected, solemnly. “This is an ideal time for me to explain the treatment for Luana’s condition. Please, all of you be seated. I will summon my team. They will want to participate in this milestone in medical history. It is so rare for us to see a patient take the news of a life-altering condition with such amazing joy and celebration.” He beamed at his tremendous pati-ent, who rolled slightly to and fro beneath her undulating bedclothes.The doctor returned in a moment. He hardly gotten the door open before his eager team, awaiting his summons with baited breath, stampeded into the room.

The room was silent. 20 – 30 doctors waited, hushed, overcome with reve-rent amazement at the spectacle before their eyes. Delrio shuffled timidly to Luana’s bedside and stood behind Dave, who had lifted her heavy paw and held it aloft with some effort. Vibram slid to the edge of his seat, his flask forgotten, his bare toes clenched tightly in suspense.

Chapter 7:The Growing

The kind doctor cleared his throat, and began.

“Yesterday, June 18. A date which will live in infamy. Luana entered our doors.” He stopped, his face working with emotion. There was a long pause. A few gentle sobs broke out among the waiting doctors.

“She was in the throes of severe porktussis. Her great and giving heart nearly gave out.”

The sobs increased in frequency. A thin, female doctor seemed to be having the hardest time. Luana squinted towards her nametag. Sure enough, she could make out the words “Dr. Summer Vegetable.” Luana looked upon her, pity-ingly. Most people could not give the way Luana did. They could not live in food, and bring conditions like porktussis upon themselves. It was a true gift, and she, Luana, was a rare beast. She had grown up out of the ordinary – a stout figure with a long, earnest, brown braid. Not everyone could do it. Luana dragged her mind back to the doctor. He had waited for the sobs to die down, and continued.

“Luana’s life will forever be changed after today. She is extraordinarily healthy, and yet will continue to suffer from porktussis. She will continue to increase in joy, glowing more with health every day, as her ability to move her body decreases. She will grow larger, her body at last keeping up with her noble and generous heart. She must be fed, safely and continuously. The porktussis does not allow her to stop eating pork, or any other food filled with fat and joy. She must eat anything she likes, as often as possible – EXCEPT – gluten. She must be entertained, so I want you to devote hours to her amu-

sement. Keep her laughing. Keep her eating. It’s the only way to maintain her porktussis symptoms.”

Luana closed her eyes with pleasure. They were all here to benefit from her wallowing, her suffering. She should laugh, of course. They were expecting it. It would bring them all such satisfaction. With tremendous effort, Luana let a guffaw emerge from the deepest part of her belly. It rose up through her pon-derous frame, wave after wave, forcing her to buck up and down on her bed. There was a hushed silence. A murmur of amazement. How did she do it? How did she find joy in the midst of these tragedies?

The doctor smiled at Luana’s offering, then turned to her tiny husband, barely visible in the throng at her side.

“Delrio.”

Delrio’s eyes were busily seeping tears, but they worked together to focus on the doctor. I did that too, Luana reflected, remembering how her husband had never seen clearly until he met her. A sob rumbled within her, and a few tears coursed languorously down her cheeks. Her own beneficence was too much for her, sometimes.

The doctor addressed Delrio. “Go home. Ready a space that can hold a wo-man who will continue to grow for the rest of her days. She will need room to continue breathing. She will need you to wait upon her hand and foot, for days – possibly years. Can you do this?”

The small man seemed to shrink as every eye in the room turned upon him. His response was inaudible.

“He can do it, for we will help him!”

Luana feebly turned her broad countenance toward the door. She could see the awed faces of her dear friends, hordes of them, staring into the room.

“I asked you all to stay away.” The doctor said sternly. “Luana needs her rest. You should all be caring for her children, cooking her future meals, promo-ting her flour, and conducting door-to-door requests for her future income. I certainly hope at least one of you has started a GoFundMe by now. Luana needs peace, that is why I moved her from her old room. How did you find her here?”

“We heard her laugh, rising above every other sound. We would know it any-where.”

The doctor sighed. “It’s just as well you’re here. I hope you will all help Del-rio in his tasks ahead. He has a noble calling – to care for Luana. And as you know, their black son must be reminded that he is black at least once per hour. Previously, Luana unselfishly performed this task, day after day. Now it is up to Delrio.”

The crowd murmured, contemplating. “We can help. We want to help.”

“Good.” Said the doctor. “Now, before I release Luana, I want to know where she is going.”

“Going?” asked Delrio, befuddled.

“Your home is no longer large enough to contain her spirit. Her joy. Her love of giving and growing. She must be transported to a space large enough to contain her mighty force.”

Delrio thought for a few moments. Luana waited patiently. They were all here, for her. She could wait centuries if needed.

“The studio.” whispered Delrio. “We can keep her in the studio.”

“No,” husked Luana. Every face whipped round, to catch her feeble moan.“Cannot stay…at cooking studio. Must breathe. Must slow down. Must be home.”

The crowd cried out in astonishment at Luana’s effort in stating this lengthy sentence. The pith in her words caught them by surprise. A few doctors fell to the ground in amazement.

Vibram arose, swaying a bit. “We could place her on the table.”

“Yes,” Luana moaned, glancing down to see her bosom heaving beneath her tear-sodden nightdress. She stared at Vibram. He always understood, that one.“Perfect.” Said the doctor. “Bring the table home, and I will have Luana trans-ported to it. She can lie upon the table, be fed on the table. She will see the light of the sun and stars. She will see the love of her friends, gathering around the table to gaze upon her, and be fed at the hand of Delrio.”

Luana brimmed with joy. And tears.

“Yes!” the crowd cried. “We will do it today!” Immediately, seven strong men departed the hospital, to haul Luana’s new throne of island pine back to her yard.

Luana lay in a daze. Never had she received such joy before. As the crowd began to shuffle eagerly forward to begin their tasks, she caught sight of a slender, blonde woman, waving an excited goodbye.

Ah, Shannon. Luana’s heart melted into a small puddle of green sauce. Poor, jealous Shannon. Always wanting what Luana had. The fame. The men. The flour. The children. The porktussis. It was all Luana’s for the happy taking – so many delights that Sharon would likely never possess.

But despite Shannon‘s desperate clinging to the edges of Luana’s fame, and insistence on eating Top Pot donuts in front of Luana, she would always be free to help Luana. It was in Luana’s nature to overlook the flaws of others, and allow them to aid her continuously.

It’s the least I can do for her, Luana mused contentedly, as she drifted into a well-earned repose.

To be continued.