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I Woke Up In Heaven

Near Life Experiences

By David Putman


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I Woke Up In Heaven

Copyright 2012 by David Putman

ISBN:978-0-9883769-1-5Distributed via Exponential Resources

Exponential is a growing movement of leaders committed to the

multiplication of healthy new churches. Exponential

Resources spotlights and spreads actionable principles, ideas and

solutions for the accelerated multiplication of healthy, reproducing faith

communities. For more information, visit exponential.org

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any

manner whatsoever without prior written permission from the

publisher, except where noted in the text and in the case of briefquotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is manufactured in the United States.

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are

taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version(r), and

NIV(R). Copyright (c) 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblical,

Inc.(tm) Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights

reserved worldwide. http://www.zondervan.com


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CreditsCover Design: JT Cheek

Cover Art: Dave Putman

Editor: Tami Putman


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Exponential NetworkandPlanting the Gospelare honored to partner

together in this season when the pain of loss is so acute. This is for all

of us who have lost someone dear. May God bless and bring healing to

your heart.


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This book is dedicated to my father, JD Putman Jr., my three sisters;

Jane Sterling, Cathy Pasco, Carole Bragg and to all of us who have lost

something great.

A special acknowledgement to my wife, Tami and the entirePlanting

the Gospel team, Matt, Brent, Rebekah, and Amanda who have worked

beside me during this labor of love.

Thanks to my son Dave for letting me tell his story and for the

wonderful rose he drew in honor of his grandmother.


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On rare occasion one has the opportunity to meet and know a lady with

the elegance and grace of Patricia Baber Putman. For Jane, Cathy,

Carole and me, we had the wonderful privilege of knowing her as Mom

(October 3, 1940November 4, 2012).


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Table of Contents

Prologue

Introduction

Part One: Glimpse

Chapter One: Near Life Experiences

Chapter Two: Ten Thousand Miles Away

Chapter Three: Struggle

Chapter Four: Welcome Home

Chapter Five: Victory

Chapter Six: Tears

Chapter Seven: Heaven

Chapter Eight: Complete

Chapter Nine: A Glimpse

Part Two: Healing

Chapter Ten: It Hurts Like Hell

Chapter Eleven: He Restores All ThingsChapter Twelve: An End To Regrets

Chapter Thirteen: I Choose Life

Chapter Fourteen: Love Hurts

Chapter Fifteen: Healing Is In Our Worship


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Chapter Sixteen: As Good As It Gets

Chapter Seventeen: Beautiful Savior

Epilogue: My Mothers Eulogy


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Prologue

Embracing my friend I whispered, Im sorry. I had no idea.

She had lost her mother one year earlier. I had lost mine one week

earlier.

I share your pain.

Im going through it.

I think Im beginning to understand what so many of you are

going through.


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Introduction

Why am I writing an eBook on heaven and grief? I wanted to help my

family deal with the great losses in our lives.

For me, it began over a year ago. My mom was battling

leukemia. I sensed her inner struggle.

I wanted to help.

I felt compelled to write. I felt compelled to write for my

mother. I felt compelled to write for others. To be completely honest, I

felt compelled to write for me.

Its harder than I thought.

My mom died.

Three weeks prior to my mothers death, I preached my very

first message on heaven. Ive preached for nearly thirty years, but

somehow Ive eluded the subject of heaven.

Obviously, Im not an expert on heaven. Nothing qualifies me

but my loss.

Since my mothers death, Ive read everything about heaven I

can get my hands on. Nothing seems to ease this great pain I find

myself in. Nothing seems to satisfy. No words seem to express what Ineed to hear.

I decided to write.

Thats what I do, especially when I lose my way.


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The grief I find myself in has dropped me off at an unfamiliar

place and I need to find my way.

Writing is how I find my way. Ive written several books.

None of them make me an expert; they simply expose my vulnerability.

None do this more than this one.

I have never felt more lost than while trying to explore the

great mysteries of heaven. I am convinced it will remain a mystery

until we find ourselves face-to-face. At the same time, this journey has

brought me to the edge of everything emotional. It has served as a

catharsis for healing. Im just beginning. I have a long way to go. I

recommend the journey if you are in pain. I am crying a lot of tears as

I attempt to share the hope of heaven with you. I miss my loved ones,

especially my mother. I keep getting lost in my grief.

I have exposed those I love and miss. I have shared my mostintimate and sacred moments. Both my heart and my head have ached

as Ive made my way through the great pain called grief. Im

discovering that grief is hard work that demands our attention. We

must remain diligent if the pain that hurts so much is to become the

pain that heals.

Ive been told theres life after death. In my searching, Im

discovering that there's life in the midst of death.

It seems that both abundant joy and unbearable suffering are

my constant companion. Im experiencing the highest of highs and the

lowest of lows. When I brace myself for pain, I find joy. When I


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anticipate joy, grief finds the moment, wrecking it with pain. I cant

predict the irregular rhythm of my aching soul. Grief is a strange

bedfellow. You never know when he might wake you, wanting your

complete attention.

Jesus Knows

Jesus knows how we feel and desires to journey with us. He

declares, Blessed are those who mourn, for they willbe comforted

(Matthew 5:4). He invites us to weep. He validates our sorrow and

grief. He recognizes that theres nothing unfaithful or shameful about

what you are feeling. For we do not have a high priest who is unable

to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been

tempted in every way, just as we areyet he did not sin (Hebrews

4:5).We are assured that He understands, He was despised and

rejecteda man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned

our backs on Him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we

did not care (Isaiah 53:3, NLT).

He too suffered this deep overwhelming sense of loss. His

soul cried out in the dark. They went to a place called Gethsemane,

and Jesus said to his disciples, Sit here while I pray.He took Peter,

James and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed

and troubled.My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of

death, he said to them. Stay here and keep watch. Going a little


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farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might

pass from him. Abba, Father, he said, everything is possible for you.

Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will (Mark

14:32-36).

He promised us heaven, Do not let your hearts be troubled.

You believe in God; believe also in me. My Fathers house has many

rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there

to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I

will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where

I am. You know the way to the place where I am going (John 14:1-4).

We are not alone!


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Part One

Glimpse

For now we see in a mirror, darkly; but then face to face: now I know

in part; but then shall I know fully even as also I was fully known (I

Corinthians 12:13).


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Chapter One

Near Life Experiences

Grief is a funny thing. It drives us to the very edge of despair.

In our moment of desperation, we seek and seek looking for answers.

We leave no stone unturned. Nothing seems to satisfy. Some seek the

supernatural. I understand those who serve as spiritual mediums have a

booming business. Books on heaven are really doing well, especially if

the author boasts of a trip there. We hear more and more conversations

centered on Near Death Experiences (NDE).

I know for I am seeking. I lost something very special to me,

my mother. My heart aches. I feel like the woman who lost the silver

coin in Luke 15:8-10. Even though I have nine more, the one I lost

consumes me. Ive trimmed my lamps. Im sweeping out the house.

Im searching every corner. Im longing for that which I have lost. I

long for the day I can call my friends and neighbors and host the

grandest of all parties, bidding them to rejoice, for what was most dear

to me has been found.

Now that will be heaven!

Ive spent countless hours searching the Internet; reading one

Near Death Experience after the other. Ive read countless books of

those who boast of going to heaven only to return as a special


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messenger of hope for those of us who remain. Nothing seems to

satisfy.

I cant seem to find my way. I need help!

This is the nature of grief. It refuses to let go of our heart until

the heart has long since had time to heal. My grief has forged out new

territories deep in my soul. I long for heaven. Eternity has taken on

new meaning. Even though I see through a glass darkly, it doesnt

seem to be as dark anymore. My soul embraces all that is spiritual.

Im no longer afraid to die. I embrace death as a distant cousin I long

to see. Yet, like Paul, for now I choose life.

Im beginning to understand, heaven is at hand! Jesus came

into this world announcing good news! We call it the gospel! Repent,

for the kingdom of heaven has come near (Matthew 4:17). As the

writer of Ecclesiastes declares, He has made everything beautiful in itstime. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom

what God has done from beginning to end (3:11).

God created us for so much more than our brief existence on

this planet. He created us for all eternity. Sin created a temporary

snare in His plan. Jesus came to redeem us along with all of His

creation preparing us for eternity. Jesus core message is TO stop

living like this is the end and to start living like this is only the

beginning. Heaven is closer than you think.

Jesus came to infuse us with real life. We receive this life

through the new birth. Over and over again He tells us that our


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citizenship is not this temporal life, but in heaven. Eternity begins when

He draws us to Himself and we receive the gift of His son for our

eternal life. We exchange our death for new life. No wonder they call

it the good news. This must be heaven.

And now the kingdom of heaven is near. For those of us who

have experienced the new birth, we see Him at work, we hear His

voice, and we understand His ways. Our hope is in Jesus. We have

what the Apostle Peter calls a living hope. Because Jesus rose from

the dead, one day we too will rise. His resurrection is our living proof

of heaven.

Because the kingdom has come, we can experience heaven

while we are here on earth. While others seek Near Death Experiences

to prove the existence of God and a heaven to come, our hope is living.

Our hope is present right here and right now. Our hope is in what Imcalling Near Life Experiences.

Im here on earth, but heaven keeps breaking through. The

kingdom of heaven is indeed near.

I dont believe heaven is going to be radically different than

our existence here on earth. The difference is going to be an existence

as God intended it to be. We know that God came as Jesus to redeem

us from our sins, but he also came to restore all of His creation. He

isnt pacing back and forth. He isnt wringing his hands like a nervous

father awaiting the birth of a child. He is in the process of restoring all


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things. One day soon all of heaven and earth will be renewed and

restored. It is then that well rest.

Imagine for a moment a life without death, sin, pain, crying

and all those things associated with the Fall. John spoke of this in

Revelation,He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no

more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things

has passed away (21:4).

I am convinced THAT heaven is already breaking through.

The kingdom of heaven is indeed already at hand. The abundant life

has already begun. Sure, there is much suffering on this earth. Theres

plenty of hell right here, but there are those heavenly moments we

experience along the way. Its when these moments break through we

experience a little bit of heaven.

They happen all the time. It doesnt require a trained spiritualeye to catch a glimpse of them, only a faith as simple as a childs. They

find their way into our lives in all kinds of circumstances and moments.

They happen in some of the happiest moments. They even find their

way into our lives in the darkest of nights. Heaven has a way of

transcending our pain and suffering and ushering us into hope and life.

Ive been to heaven! Ive been to heaven a number of times. I

keep slipping in and out. One day I will reside there or there it will

reside with me forever. For now, I find comfort in my Near Life

Experiences. It is in the moments when I least expect it that I

experience the breath of heaven.


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Life is my proof that theres a Heaven.


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Chapter Two

Ten Thousand Miles Away

There are times when our Heavenly Father reaches his long,

loving arm out and pulls back the curtain that divides heaven and earth,

and for a moment our eyes are opened and in that moment we behold

Him. Its in these moments we find strength and comfort for whats

going on.

This was one of those moments.

I sat in my chair. I had been there and would remain so

throughout a long hellish deployment. My chest was heaving and tears

were making their way down my cheek.

I was alone.

I mean really alone.

There was a longing deep within, straining, clawing, reaching

the far corners of my soul creating an almost unbearable ache. I was

consumed with sadness and pain. All I wanted was my son. I longed

for the days that he toddled around the house leaving a wake of toys,

puzzles and stuffed animals behind him as he drug his favorite toy

across the room.

I didnt know where he was. I mean I did. He was in

Afghanistan. His days of playing with his toys were long gone. He

was in the military now. He served with the brave and proud 82nd


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Airborne. His job, or MOS as they called it, was one of the most

dangerous in the military. He was a Fire Support Specialist. He was

part of an elite unit serving our country on the very tip of the sword.

Occasionally, I heard from him. It was never scheduled. He would call

between his four- and five- week long patrols. I kept my phone by my

side always. Most often there was a crackle in the line and long delays,

and then I would hear and recognize his voice. He always started the

conversation the same way, Dad. That word was music to my ears.

At last I knew he was okay, at least for now.

By now he had been deployed for eight long months. His

average mission lasted for five long weeks. This meant that more often

than not, I didnt hear from him or know what he was enduring. Later I

discovered that during those deployments he ate one meal a day, slept

on the ground, showered about once a month, and engaged the enemyregularly. The lifestyle was that of a Spartan warrior at best.

Recently, I had received one of those dreaded phone calls you

dont want to get if your loved one is in the military. There was an

attack and an improvised explosive device had hit our son. He was on

his way to Kandahar, via Black Hawk, to a military hospital with three

others.

I was on a flight across the country when it happened. Up

until then, I lived in a kind of dull denial. As the plane jolted when it

hit the tarmac, I woke up. I was greeted by two messages from my

wife, a text message and a voice message. I quickly called her knowing


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something was up. She began like this, Dave (our son) is okay, but

hes been hit by an IED. My world went surreal. I entered a kind of

dimension where your automotive nervous system goes into hyper

overdrive. Everything sped up and slowed down at the same time. I

felt the shock wave go through my body. It began at the top of my

head and made its way to the bottom of my feet before making its way

back to the top of my head. The large plane was packed, but for that

moment I was alone.

Before the call, I had somehow convinced myself that he

wasnt in any real danger. Sure he was over there, but It was the

only way I could make it through the long nights. With that one phone

call, my empty lies were blown away. Yes, it was dangerous. Yes, my

son was at risk. Yes, my son had almost been killed. No, there were

no guarantees that he would return home.There I sat, waiting.

I was waiting for my son to come home.

I waited and waited, and waited for fifteen months in my

chair.

It was a hellish existence. I was writing a book. I had been

writing it for months. I had been writing it throughout my sons

deployment. I was almost done. I was so close I could taste it. I was

literally down to the final words of dedication.

Months earlier, I had decided to dedicate it to my son. I

couldnt wait to get to that moment when I could write that dedication.


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I had saved the best for last. I knew what I was going to say: This

book is dedicated to my son, Dave, who spent the last fifteen months in

Afghanistan with the 82nd

Airborne. Welcome Home!

I froze!

I couldnt type it.

I had come this far. I had typed thousands of words but I sat

there in my chair, frozen in time. All I had to do was type eighteen

words and my project of eighteen months would finally be complete.

Actually it wasnt the eighteen words, it was the last two, Welcome

home! Fear darted out as dread jumped from the closet of my deep

despair.

My heart cried out, What if he doesnt come home! I cried,

and cried some more. My heart was heavy. The burden seemed more

than I could bear.Then I heard it.

It started as a still small voice whispering ever so gently in

my ear. Within a few moments it sounded as if it was a rushing river.

It flooded my hurting heart with comfort and hope. The echo of Gods

voice shook the very essence of my soul. The thunder of his gentle

expression had a calming effect on my fears. His assurance made its

way through my veins, warming every part of my body, especially my

heart.

He was with me.

God was with me.


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I felt his presence.

It couldnt be denied. I fell on my face. I opened up my heart

and received his gift of grace. He spoke His loving truth into my life.

His truth was simple, but profound. His words were few, but they

filled my deep void. He will come home, He assured me. He will

be at home with Me (God) or he will be at home with you, but he will

be home. I emptied the tears of my soul onto the keyboard as I

received my healing. I pecked out those last words, WELCOME

HOME.

Exhausted, I hit the send button, right before I slipped off into

a deep sleep.


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Chapter Three

Struggle

When I woke up the pain was still there. I had the assurance

of heaven, but the pain was still there.

Waiting is really hard.

Knowing that your loved one is coming home doesnt speed

up the process. Knowing theres a heaven doesnt eliminate the pain.

Dont let anybody tell you it does. Believe me, I know.

That was eight months into his deployment. Nine, ten, eleven,

twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen months past. Each day crept by like

the longest of summer days. Each moment felt like eternity. There

wasnt a day, night, or moment that my precious little boy wasnt in my

thoughts, consuming my heart and filling my prayers.

Some call it the dark night of the soul. It was a long hellish

night. I thought it would never end.

When you are a military family, you fear the visit when two

rather pristine soldiers drive up in a bland-looking sedan and park at the

end of your driveway, like an unwelcomed salesman looking for a

quick escape. When your son has regular encounters with death as his

way of life, you start to do strange things. Dread becomes your

companion.


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Our house is in a cul-de-sac at the back of a neighborhood.

With the exception of our neighbors coming home from a long day at

the office, we dont see many cars. Over time, you learn to recognize

who it is by the tenor of their engine and the way they handle the

vehicle. I can easily spot the sounds of an intruding motorist from my

favorite seat. It was a dreaded sound during those long, hellish

evenings. When I would hear a car, foreign to my collective memory, I

would stand up and walk three steps, peer out my door, take a deep

breath, and sit back down. I never told my wife what I was doing. She

never asked. I think she knew. She always seemed to be relieved when

I found my way back to my chair.

About the time you relax and start sleeping through the night

or stop jumping up at every sound of a vehicle, something else

happens, like the Christmas Eve of my sons deployment. There wewere, gathered together with my precious girls, faking our way through

the holidays. The phone rang. The line crackled. It was our beloved

Dave calling from some remote place in Afghanistan. What a

wonderful Christmas present. No, this is the best Christmas present

you can receive. With the girls standing around me, with the most

amazing smiles on their faces, waiting on their turn on the phone, the

latest saga unfolds.

There had been another attack. He had spent his Christmas

Eve pinned down by enemy fire. Instead of fireworks, a Rocket

Repelled Grenade that whizzed past his head, nearly taking it off, had


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awakened him. It began with a Humvee getting stuck out in the open

field near a village known for its nasty activity. It ended with an all out

battle. All I really remember about the story was, Dad, dont tell the

girls. I didnt. Once again I went through the motions of Christmas,

opening one gift after the other, but really all I wanted for Christmas

was my son to return home. The idea of a rocket almost taking his

head off by less than a foot the night before just didnt sit well with me.

Well anyway, Merry Christmas to you too, Dave. I was off

to bed for another hellish night. Did I mention the dreams? Youve

had them. Where you wake up with one of your kids calling your

name, when youre unable to reach them, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad.


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Chapter Four

Welcome Home

Winter gave way to spring. It always does. Everything

sleeping begins to wake up and everything brown begins to turn green.

I recall talking with my son. He was going out on another mission.

This was different. It was going to be his last mission. He was almost

home. I had mixed feelings as you might imagine. By now I had

learned to dread each day. Would this mission be his last? Of course it

would, one way or the other.

We waited. Thats what you do when youre in the military.

There is no such thing as my son or my spouse is in the military.

When Uncle Sam gets your loved one, he takes the whole family with

him. So we waited. We waited to hear that once again he was safe

from his final mission.

We finally got the phone call we had been waiting on. It took

weeks. It wasnt from our son, but once again from some military

personnel. With little to no emotion, he obviously read from a

prewritten announcement. It went something like this, We called to

inform you that your son has been extracted from the battlefield and he

is now in a safe, undisclosed place. You will receive further

instructions in the near future. Wait a minute! I thought I was


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dreaming this hellish dream. You mean Ive just awakened and its

real.

I can see it now as the large military helicopter slams on the

ground, kicking up a storm of pebbles and dust as the men of Company

A 4th

-73 Reconnaissance Unit of the 82nd

Airborne, with their M4 and

one military-issued duffle bag, make their way from the hell theyve

lived in over the last fifteen months. I can hear the sounds, whoop,

whoop, whoop, whoop, as the big bird makes its way up and tilts

forward heading west. They were finally headed home!

Coming Home

Homeward bound! My son was homeward bound. It took

weeks, but finally we received word Dave was coming home! We

received this word in the form of another one of those warm and fuzzyphone calls the military is famous for, Ourtroops will be arriving at

Pope Airfield, North Carolina, on such and such date, at 0900.

Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, the day we had

longed for arrived. We made our way to Pope Airfield with family in

tow. There were grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, a sister, and a

soonto-be wife. Everyone who was supposed to be there was there. It

was sort of like a family reunion, only far better. When we arrived, I

didnt know what to expect. There was high security everywhere and

the first thing I noticed was that not just anybody got in. However,


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because we were family, they were expecting us. We received a special

pass and were allowed to come inside.

We were instructed to go to the Green Ramp. Im not sure

why they called it that. There was nothing green about it. I do know to

this very day those two words have tones of heaven laced through them

and they conjure up the best of memories when I hear them. The green

ramp turned out to be a huge hanger that emptied out onto the tarmac of

the adjoining airfield.

Eager with anticipation, we arrived early. We werent the

only ones. We spent the next few hours anticipating what was just

ahead and watching the crowd grow and grow as this indescribable

scene unfolded.

There were people gathered there from far and wide. As I

entered the building I thought I saw an angel, no, Im sure I saw anangel. Her name was Mama Bach. Her son had served side by side

with mine and on one occasion, when there was a terrible attack, he had

led the charge going back to where my son was ambushed, saving his

and others lives.

It didnt take long to figure out there are all kinds of people in

the military. They represent every race, color and creed. Some come

from much and others seemed to have very little. None of that seemed

to matter. There was a special bond in that hanger that day. There was

no such thing as strangers. We were all one. We were family. Our

bond was this strange brotherhood created by a hellish war and for that


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moment nothing else mattered. In this place all of our differences

dissipated like the dew on the rolling hills as the sun rose in the horizon

in the east with the promise of a new day, a new hope, a new life.

As 0900 approached, we began to make our way outside the

hanger where the clouds had opened up to give us a view to behold.

Across from me was a lady with children in tow, one of them barely

fifteen months old. There were soldiers in uniform. One of them had

crutches and sort of hobbled with a limp. There was a father whose son

wouldnt be coming home, at least not this home, drawn to this moment

by a deep sense of honor and grief. Then there was the brass, high-

ranking military. They had been here many times, but you could see it

in their eyes. This was more than a responsibility or duty. The press

was there. This was big news. Three Hundred of Americas finest were

about to be home. I was taken up in the moment. It was almost morethan I could handle. I felt as if I was in another world. At least for that

moment, it was a far better world.

Then I heard something. It was a faint buzz coming out of the

east. It grew louder and louder until I saw it. At first it was so tiny you

had to imagine it, but it grew larger and larger until it was obvious our

troops were about to be home. Finally, they touched down and taxied

within a football fields length of the hanger where we waited. A red

carpet was rolled out and slowly our troops, no our heroes, piled out

and gathered at the base of the plane. It seemed to take forever in true

military fashion.


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We were so eager. The moment was thick and filled with

electricity. The military band tuned their instruments. Cameras were

zoomed out as far as they could go, while children tugged at their

mothers hem. We were all standing on the edge of time waiting on

this single most important moment in our lives up until now.

The soldiers got into formation and began to march toward us

with M4s in tow. Thats when I saw him. He was about three quarters

back, second from the end. Our eyes met just for a moment. There

was a rope that separated us. The band began to play the Star Spangled

Banner. They stood at attention and then at ease as the commander

barked out the final orders of this mission, Mission accomplished!

You are dismissed!

We ran to our soldiers. It was mayhem in the best way. I felt

like the father who killed the fatted calf, put a robe on his son, and agold ring on his finger. He was lost, but now he is found. He was

dead, but now he is alive again. Welcome home, welcome home.

Thank God my dear son, you are home.

This must be heaven!


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Chapter Five

Victory

The world changed on September 11, 2001. We all know

where we were when two jets flown by religious extremists slammed

into the Twin Towers. I remember the exact moment I got the word.

You do too. A sinister enemy attacked us and there was no denying it.

All that was sinful about our world raised its head against all that was

good and we felt its nasty blow.

We still do. We are constantly reminded of our need for a

new earth. Most recently, another school shooting was our reminder.

Theres so much good in this world, but evil must be dealt with.

Theres a cry in the land for justice. We were created for what is just.

We serve a just God.

Ill never forget the call. It was my son. I was away on

business. I knew my son was considering enlisting in the military. He

thought it was his duty. We had traveled to New York together

following that tragic event. We spent the day in Lower Manhattan in

silence. The ground was still smoldering. There were makeshift

memorials everywhere. New Yorks finest were still recovering their

fallen heroes. It was a sad day. It was a reminder of how dark our

world can be.


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Davids call that night interrupted a dinner with a friend.

These kinds of calls are always disruptive. Dad, my son began as he

went over the details of his military enlistment. What do you think?

I replied, Son, I would rather you die for something, than to live for

nothing. Yeah, thats what I thought was his reply. And with that

he enlisted.

Saying goodbye is hard.

Homecomings are heavenly!

I can only imagine what Heaven must have been like the day

Gods son returned home from his mission. You know the story.

God sent his son. They called Him Jesus. He came to save His

people from their sin. Jesus left His Father to fight our war. It was

painful for both Him and His Father. At one point in the battle the

earth stood in silence. From His cross everything went black. In thatmoment, the world was so dark that the Father had to look away. In the

midst of the battle the son felt his aloneness. The weight of sin crushed

his shoulders. About three in the afternoon, Jesus cried out in a loud

voice, God, my God, why have you forsaken me (Matthew 27:46)?

He died.

It was as if the earth stood still.

He arose.

Jesus defeated sin, death, and hell.

He ascended.

So will we.


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Just as Jesus left the Father to wage this war, He returned a

hero. Talk about reunions! The Father gave Him a robe, a crown, and a

throne sitting Him at His right hand. All of creation erupted falling at

His feet. Blessing and honor and glory and power belong to the one

sitting on the throne and to the Lamb foreverand ever (Revelation

5:13).

The battle is over, the victories won and Jesus is Lord! He is

the firstborn from among the dead.

He arose!

We too will rise!


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Chapter Six

Tears

War left its mark on our son and our family. Most of them

arent physical unless you count the many tattoos. I now have two and,

well, my sons well decorated with them. I have one on the inside of

my right bicep. Its the Chinese symbols for father/son. My son put

it on me right before he deployed. I now have one on the inside of my

left bicep. Its the Chinese symbols for mother/son. He put that one

on me as well. He has his grandmothers gift of art, and in many ways

he is so much like her. Im thinking about having the rose on the cover

of this book that he drew, tattooed on the left side of my rib cage near

my heart. I took this rose from my mothers grave.

Back to me and my son. While our scars arent physical, we

do have our fair share of emotional ones. I believe most of our soldiers

and their loves ones do. I think this explains why so many veterans

choose to remain silent when it comes to the wars they have fought.

Theres just too much pain thats left unhealed.

When it comes to the war, I still cry. I cry for many reasons. I

cry for others, when I hear of some family losing yet another brave

loved one. I cry because the wounds of deployment and what my son

endured still reside in a tender part of my heart. I cry because Im

thankful. When my family gathers and we bow our heads to pray, I


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cant help but cry. I hope I never stop crying, at least on this earth.

At the same time, I must admit that God is healing my heart

and I dont cry as much anymore. For me, this healing took place in

one unexpected moment. It was about a year after my sons final

deployment. He was back home and life was more normal for all. It

was a warm spring day. We were doing what we love to do, grilling

our favorite steaks and hanging out with the family.

My son and I had a moment. We went deep. We talked about

his deployments and life after the war. He listened as I shared what it

was like to be the father of a son deployed to a war zone. I recalled one

moment after an attack when he told me he was prepared to give his

life for his country. We talked about what it was like to love someone

living so close to the edge of death.

I told him about the chair I sat in every day praying for himand drawing comfort form Psalm 91. I reminded him of the book Id

written during his deployment and I shared with him the intimacy of

that moment when I dedicated it to him including the whole welcome

home thing. We wept! Jesus wept! Jesus wept with us. My wife came

to the door. She knew we were having a moment. She walked away

leaving us alone. After what seemed like a brief eternity, my son

looked up at me. There were tears streaming down our faces. We were

a mess. Looking up at me he said, I had no idea. I knew what it was

like for me, but I had no idea what it was like for you.

It was dinnertime.


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We wiped away our tears. No, God wiped away our tears.

God healed our hearts. We dont cry as much anymore now.

God is going to wipe away our tears. He is going to heal our

hearts. Wounds will be healed.

We will have no regrets.

Conversations will be completed.

We will understand and be understood.

Its not too late!


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Chapter Seven

Heaven

Fast-forwardIm in heaven now!

Many years have passed, but whos counting. Theres no need

to now. I have relived this occasion many, many wonderful times.

First it was me. The night I slipped over was long ago. I lived a good

long life way up in years. My family was with me that night. There

was my dear sweet wife, Tami, ever the rock. She had been faithfully

by my side for over a half century. There was my soldier son, now all

grown up and proud. Who would have thought that he would have

become one of the best artists ever! There was Amanda, a mirror

reflection of me. She had always been by my side. Between my

children, they had five of their own. There were three boys, as big and

tall as their dad now and two little girls as sweet as their mom. My

friends were all there or at least those who hadnt beat me in the race.

As I had grown older, I had discovered the importance of people and

had grown to love them ever so dearly. I enjoyed a good party and this

one had all the makings of a grand affair. It was my home going and it

was time to celebrate. I was so tired from the battle, longing for my

Savior to embrace me. I had fought a good fight, and all but finished

the race. As they all said goodbye, I looked deeply into my sweeties

face.


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I rememberthe kiss. I forever will. Tamis lips laid so gently

over mine. As I began to drift, it suddenly became like a rush. Air

filled my lungs and light jolted me from near death to full life. Color

filled this place and every shade of darkness evaporated before my

eyes, and all that was beautiful bloomed within and before me. Love

filled every fiber of my being, pushing out any remaining bitterness,

hurt and anger. Peace exploded in my soul, producing the deepest most

satisfying sensation of warmth. Every longing and craving of my

innermost soul seemed to be filled to the brim and overflowed all

around me. Every tear and heartbreak felt its last embrace as my senses

breathed in every aspect of this place. Death lost its sting. The grave

could no longer keep what the Bride had prepared for this glorious

reunion. It was true, all true, as I looked into the face of beauty. Yes, it

was my Savior that I now looked upon face to face. It was in thatmoment I received the kiss of grace. Some who are still on the other

side call this death, but Im more alive than ever. I am in heaven now.

I wish I could tell you what it is like, but words cant describe.

However, it was sort of like that moment in what seems like a distant

land. I recall that time when we had a glorious reunion. My son

separated from us by war came home to be united with us. Yes, way

back when he came home from that distant land. We got that call that

he was coming home and we all gathered in that hanger, and in a

moment all of our hellish memories and long dark nights vanished as

we greeted him with a robe and a kiss.


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You wouldnt believe it. For through a glass, rather foggy, we

still peep. I fell to my face, trembling in my place. Every tear in my

eye was removed from my face. My tired old body was gently

embraced. He served me a cup and from a silver tray he gave me His

bread. I realized in that moment, as the bread was broken and the vine

was spilt, that His sacrifice was complete. Every debt I owed, He had

paid. Welcome home, welcome home, welcome home, my dear son,

he repeated!


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Chapter Eight

Complete

This land that I entered seemed far too familiar. It was like

home only far better. It was like a Thanksgiving dinner with all the

trimmings. It was a place Ive longed for way down in the deepest part

of my soul. He greeted me with a kiss and held me in his embrace. In

a moment briefer than that of a twinkling of an eye, all things became

complete. This city I entered was built with the most intricate of care.

A river flowed deeply jutting here and there. Boardwalks and

greenways led to parks and lots of open spaces where people would

gather and others would come to reflect.

As they all stood before me, I was filled with such joy. My

tears were all washed away and my pain was no more. Lots of hugs and

kisses were in order as Im welcomed to this place. Then I heard a kind

and gentle voice accompanied with an embrace, Welcome home as

Jesus looked deeply into my face.

Its hard to express the fullness of the breath I took and the life

I expressed in this place. No words came close to expressing it. It was

wonderful, indescribable, uncontainable, incomparable, unchangeable,

untamable, all-powerful, and so much more.

Everywhere I looked, I beheld his glory and I was filled with

his love. The sacrifice he made was so real and now even more


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complete. The love I felt overcame everything else. In a moment, I

was healed of all my regrets.

The welcome I received was something far too grand to

believe. It was like a great banquet, a wedding or majestic feast. Then

I saw her, my mom, as I jumped to my feet. She was whole and ever so

complete. At that moment I had a flashback to a conversation I longed

to complete. The last time I had seen her body, it was so frail. With

Thanksgiving around the corner, she declared that she was going to

cook the turkey. As I sat with her that day, I knew all of our longings

were fulfilled. The table felt full, even though there were still some

empty seats.

Wait a minute. Its that time. We are headed to the green

ramp. Somebodys coming home. Who? I dont know. I think that is

only for the Father to know. I cant wait to see. Its hard to imagine,but every time we head back to the green ramp it makes this place a

little more complete. You may ask, How do you improve upon

perfection? Ill tell you how, theres only one way, and thats by

adding a little more perfection. I cant waitI cant wait to see who

that lucky person will be?

Oh, Oh, OhI fell to my feet, staggered by His love, knocked

down by His grace, and once again reminded of Christs great sacrifice.

He taught equality with God is something not to keep, but He made

Himself a servant to take on my sin. He lived the perfect life preparing

Him to meetsin, death, and hell ultimately defeating them. He takes


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all our sin from the past, present and future, upon His shoulders and in

one eternal moment he declares its ultimate defeat. Dazed by the

onrush of his great grace, I jump to my feet. As I gazed in his eyes I

couldnt help but proclaim, Well done my savior and so worthy is the

lamb that was slain, was raised and now forever does reign.

He declared it before and He declares it again. I told you he

would come home. He would be at home with you or at home with me.

Welcome home! Welcome home! Welcome home! Now heaven is

complete!


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Chapter Nine

A Glimpse

God sent Jesus into this world for a greater purpose. Jesus

openly declared this purpose as He began His rather brief phase of

public ministry. He declared, Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is

near (Matthew 4:17). Jesus came to right the world of wrong. Jesus

came to forgive us of our sins. He came to live and to die. He came to

restore His creation to His Fathers intent. He brought His kingdom

with Him. He left it with us after obtaining victory and establishing

His reign.

The good news of the gospel is that heaven is here! We can

enjoy it now. Sure, there will be a fuller, more completed version one

day, but for now heaven cant wait.

When a new king comes, he establishes his administration.

He sets a new culture. The gospel is that announcement that everything

is about to change. It is good news in that a kind and benevolent king

has done for us what we could not do for ourselves. He has forgiven

our sin and given us a seat at His table.

He has turned our pain into joy.

Our uncertainly has found security.

Where there was warfare, we have His peace. The lion is

indeed lying with the lamb.


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Sorrow has found a song giving way to worship.

Depression has turned into celebration.

Despair has given way to hope.

Brokenness has been pieced together creating wholeness.

Anxiety has finally discovered peace.

Division has been woven into unity.

Evil has disappeared and goodness has prevailed.

Death has resurrected and found life.

Disease has been eradicated and our healing is complete.

Darkness has dissipated and given way to light.

Our toil on earth is completed as we enter into His rest.

His mission is all but completed.

Just a few more days and thenthat will be heaven.


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Part Two

Healing

But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed

for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was

on Him, and by His wounds we are healed (Isaiah 53:5).


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Chapter Ten

It Hurts Like Hell

Grief made its way to my door not too very long ago. Im

trying to find my way through it, but I imagine I need more time.

I had just arrived home after that first week.

It was good to be home and reunited with my wife, Tami. I

sat in my chair across from her. With words so tender she wanted to

know how I was doing.

With tears exploding I cried, I want my mama. I want my

mama and shes gone. Shes never coming back! I was fifty-three

years old and all I wanted was for my mother to hold me in her arms

again.

Grief is painful!

If Hell is about separation from all that matters, I feel like I

have died and landed in Hell. I am separated by death from the very

one that gave me life. It hurts like Hell.

I still want my mama! Its been only a few short weeks.

God help me as I make my way through this unbearable grief.

God help us all!

I know He have and He will!


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Chapter Eleven

He Restores All Things

As I cried, I knew that one day I would see my mom again. I

knew this was a temporary arrangement. I knew that one day I would

make one final trip home and from that home I would share a room

with her for all eternity. I cant wait to see my mother! Ive got more to

live for than ever, but I also have more to die for now.

While my mother was on this earth, she suffered. We all do,

but she really suffered. While she never complained, I could often see

it in her face and no matter how hard she tried, she couldnt hide it in

her eyes.

It wasnt until after she died that we found notes in her purse

documenting her pain for her doctor. This medicine no longer works.

Is there anything else? Would it hurt to double up on this? What

should I expect next? She never expressed it to us, but we knew it.

We knew that she was living in deep pain.

I spent the weekend with her three weeks before she died.

Like most, I had no idea. I preached a special message on heaven for

her in my fathers church. It was drawn from the text that inspired

most of these words found in Revelation 21:1-7, where John describes

the New Heaven and New Earth. Then I saw a new heaven and a new

earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and


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there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the New Jerusalem,

coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully

dressed for her husband.And I heard a loud voice from the throne

saying, Look! Gods dwelling place is now among the people, and He

will dwell with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will

be with them and be their God.He will wipe every tear from their eyes.

There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old

order of things has passed away. He who was seated on the throne

said, I am making everything new! Then he said, Write this down,

for these words are trustworthy and true. He said to me: It is done. I

am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty

I will give water, without cost from the spring of the water of life.

Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God

and they will be my children.

He Is the Alpha and the OmegaFrom this passage I draw comfort. John recalls Jesus words

of restoration. He said, Behold, I make all things new. These are

incredible words of comfort. He is going to make all things new!

Well get back to that in a moment.

By declaring, It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the

Beginning and the End. Jesus points us back to the cross. It was there

He first cried, It is done (finished). The redeeming work of Jesus

was finished. God had come to earth to save His people from their


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sins. The good news is Jesus has the final word when it comes to sin

and death. Paul understood this when he quoted the prophet Hosea,

Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be

to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ (I

Corinthians 15:55-57).

It is done! Jesus has the last word. He defeats sin, death and

hell, delivering us the ultimate victory in the win column. This victory

has nothing to do with our performance or behavior. It has everything

to do with His love for us. God did for us what we could not do for

ourselves. On the cross, Jesus reversed the consequences of sin and

death by giving us life.

It doesnt stop here. Jesus isnt only the Omega or the End.

He is also the Alpha or the Beginning. He is the living proof of lifeafter death. He died that we might live, but He rose that we too might

rise from the dead. As Paul puts it speaking of Jesus, And He is the

head of the body, the church; He is the beginning and the firstborn

from among the dead, so that in everything He might have the

supremacy. Jesus arose and ascended into heaven as living proof that

we too will arise and ascend. To be absent from this body is to be

present with the Lord.

All of this is because of what God did in Jesus for us. It is a

free gift from God. We dont deserve it, we cant earn it, but we can

receive it.


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God is ultimately going to restore all things. The idea of

new found in this passage of scripture carries with it the idea of being

renewed. If you want to know what heaven is going to be like, its

going to be the renewing of heaven and earth. Thats right, a new

heaven and new earth.

John declares, I saw the Holy City, the New Jerusalem,

coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully

dressed for her husband.And I heard a loud voice from the throne

saying, Look! Gods dwelling place is now among the people, and He

will dwell with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will

be with them and be their God. Here is the most amazing picture.

The Holy City, the New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from

God.

What God intended from the very beginning will be brought tocompletion! We are going to live forever on a renewed earth. I love the

parable of the mustard seed. He told them another parable: The

kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and

planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all seeds, yet when it

grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that thebirds come and perch in its branches (Matthew 13:31-32).

Notice what happens in this story. The smallest of seeds

become the largest of plants, taking on the form of a tree, and the birds

of the air find refuge in it. What is Jesus talking about? Here He is


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painting a picture of the restoration of creation. What God began, He

will complete. The ultimate picture of Heaven is a renewed heaven and

earth. If you really want to understand what life is going to be like in

eternity, go back to the creation story because our beginning is going to

be our ending. After all, Jesus is the Alpha and the Omega, the

Beginning and the End.

Let the restoration begin! My mom and your loved ones who

are in heaven are restored. This is the good news of the gospel.

Behold, the tabernacle of Godis with men, and He will dwell with

them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and

be their God. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there

shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more

pain, for the former things have passed away.

As my moms disease progressed, her life diminished. Everytime I saw her, she was more and more frail. And even though she

chose not to speak of the pain, I could see it deep in her eyes. I called

her practically every day. There were many days that she didnt answer

the phone. When she didnt, I would call my dad. More often in those

last days he would reply, Shes resting right now.

Today she is at rest! At my daughters recent wedding, my

mom and I danced together. It was so wonderful. At one moment, my

three sisters and I formed a circle with her and danced around like little

children playing ring-around-the-roses! I have a picture of that

moment that caught my mom with the most beautiful smile on her face.


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I will forever cherish that moment.

Today, she is dancing with the Kings of Kings!

No more meds. No more midnight trips to the emergency

room. No more chemo. No more pain. No more worry. No more

sorrow. No more fear. No more death.

My mom is alive with the King of Glory. She is restored as

God created her to be. And for the rest of eternity, she will make that

trip to where the rivers meet, where she will announce, Welcome

home, welcome home until heaven too is complete.


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Chapter Twelve

No Regrets

I dont have a single regret when it comes to my mom. It

wasnt that I did everything right. It wasnt that our relationship was

perfect. I can remember my rebellious teenage years, a time of deep

pain for both of us. I recall pushing away in my early thirties, as I

attempted to make sense of my family of origin issues. In my forties, I

found myself often too busy making a living, raising my kids, chasing

the dream, missing more than my share of family gatherings.

At the same time, I have no regrets. Or maybe I just choose to

have no regrets. Im focusing on all the goodthings. Thats one of the

beautiful things about death. What doesnt matter suddenly disappears.

I also have no regrets because about thirteen months before she died, I

made a commitment to make time for what matters. I went into my

calendar and wrote every special day in her life and our life as a family,

and spent it with her. Most every month, I traveled the three hours to

spend a few hours with her and I called practically every day. I even

hooked her up with Skype.

Now my dad is a different story. He has never turned on a

computer or read an email. However, I am encouraged; I caught him

reading text messages on his 1990s flip phone the other day. I think I

might get him an iPhone soon.


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When my dad speaks of my mom, he says he has one regret.

He wishes he had showed her more affection. He has always been sort

of a crusty ole guy. Im not sure if I can handle a newer, sweeter

version of him. Two days before my mother died, they were at the

doctors office for a routine visit. They had lots of routine visits as her

cancer progressed. As they were wrapping up, he made his way out to

the car to wait for her. As he did, he noticed a single flower about to

bloom. It was waiting for mom when she entered the car. After the

funeral, we noticed for the first time that it was in a vase by the kitchen

sink, in full bloom. As my dad put it, that little flower meant so much

to her.

Im so glad my dad gave her that one last gift of affection,

even if he did take it from the doctors office. A lesson to learn is that

a stolen flower steals the heart. Living life with no regrets is moreabout the little things than the big things.

But what about those of us that live with regret?

I say I have no regrets, but surely I do. We all do. However,

sometimes our regrets catch us off guard long before we can correct

them. When this happens, we often live our lives with some kind of

haunting regret. We speak of it over and over again. We live with the

real pain of real regret.

Its not too late. Its not too late even if your loved one is in

heaven. Theres coming a day when God is going to heal our hearts!

We find this promise in Revelation 21:4: And God will wipe away


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every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor

crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed

away (NIV).

God is going to heal our hearts! Its not over. The last word

has been spoken. Theres more to come. I know so many people who

live with regret.

If only I had been there.

If only I hadnt said...

If only I had said

If only I hadnt done

If only I had done

Our list goes on and on. I get that. I understand that. What I

want you to know is its not over. God is going to heal your heart. He

is going to wipe away every tear. Theres going to be no more death,sorrow or crying. There will be no more emotional, relational, spiritual

or physical pain. All that is bad, sad, and left undone will pass away.

We are going to be a part of a new creation! And the good news is its

already started.


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Chapter Thirteen

I Choose Life

My mom taught me to live life. She suffered for nearly 30

years with a malignant blood disorder. In the spent stage of her

disease, it turned into Acute Myelogenous Leukemia, with a prognosis

of two to five years. What some would view as a death sentence in

typical fashion, she turned into a life-sentence. She died just five days

shy of the two years of her diagnosis. In spite of her disease, she died

unexpectantly. Death is like that. In her typical fashion, she lived life

until her last breath.

Just one week earlier, I spent the day with her. It was

wonderful. She was feeling so good. Dad had just completed a

sunroom addition just for her. It was a very welcomed addition to the

back of their house. It overlooked the woods that framed their property

and sat in the shadows of the two huge oak trees my dad had planted

for her what seemed like ages ago! The room was framed in windows

my dad had custom made. When I walked in the door, she sat on the

loveseat in the corner. She had her feet propped up and Bible on her

lap. She was living. She was living in the moment. You could see the

satisfaction and peace painted across her face oozing from some spring

deep within.

It was our first time to enjoy her new favorite room together. I


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didnt know it would be my last. It was a good first. If theres got to

be a last, it was a good last.

It was a typical fall day in the south. Leaves were gently

finding their way from the tops of those old oak trees, forming a

covering across the ground.

I opened all eight windows one by one. It was a labor of love.

Warm air with a hint of the winter filled the room with the most

wonderful smells. Her senses were on fire. She seemed to take in

every detail.

She longed for winter. She longed to sit in her new sunroom

and see the snowfall!

We talked about the upcoming holidays. I enjoyed the

conversation. I knew it would be special. I thought it might be our last

holiday together. With each passing week, I had watched her growweaker and weaker. Our family Thanksgiving gathering was just a

couple of weeks away.

She paused and appeared to be going somewhere really deep.

Nodding her head up and down she insisted that this year we would

have Thanksgiving at her house and she would prepare the turkey and

dressing. I could almost taste it. She was an amazing cook. I couldnt

wait.

We sat for a long time that day. We always did. My mom had

this wonderful way of getting lost in the moment. When you walked

into the room everything else faded into the background. Her heart


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stood at attention while you were in her presence. My talks with her

had matured over the recent days. I found myself consumed in the

moment. Our day slipped away unaware. She was discipling me to be

present, not a strong suit for me. The sun began to set, dancing with

blue and lavender shades blended together like cotton candy.

She lifted her frail self while gathering her things. She

announced her intent: Were going out. No one protested. No one

lacked the time. Life was happening all around her. We followed the

rainbow to her favorite place to dine. She bumped into a childhood

friend on the way in. We chatted for a moment. No one was in a

hurry. The room came alive as she entered. She filled the room with

eloquence and grace.

We shared a delightful meal. It would be our last.

Much of moms adult life had been spent undergoingchemotherapy. Long before the devastating leukemia, she had been

given what some might call a death sentence. She had a rare blood

disorder that required a form of chemo throughout the remainder of her

life. I recall when she was first diagnosed; she was given something

like five years to live. They were right about one thing. Her disease

did turn into leukemia and ultimately she died, but only after she lived

nearly thirty years beyond her original prognosis.

Once I asked her, How do you do it mom? Youve been sick

all these years, but Ive never heard you complain, not even once. I

can live or I can die, but I choose life, she said. I received her reply as


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a very special gift I will hold close to me for the rest of my life. It has

served me well.

Its not a surprise that her life verse was, For me, to live is

Christ, to die is gain (Philippians 1:21, KJV). It is engraved on her

grave marker.

And did she ever live. She took full advantage of the dash

between 1940 and 2012.


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Chapter Fourteen

Love Hurts

On November 7, 2012, I had the rare privilege to preside, or

whatever you do, over my mothers funeral. It was a celebration of her

life. It was our final gift to her and her final gift to us. People often

ask me how I did it or they say I cant believe you were able to do it.

The truth is, it was easy. My mom preached her own funeral. I could

have stood up, looked at the packed church, and said, Well, and

everyone would have said, I agree.

I realize thats not the case with every loss. As a pastor, I

have resided over some really difficult circumstances and situations. I

dont want to make light of the incredible pain death brings to the

surface.

The pain Im living in is often overwhelming. Its a pain I

often have to bear alone. Sometimes, while sitting in a room filled with

laughter, something hits a trigger point in my life and I find myself

once again all alone in my grief. Sometimes when I lay my head down

at night, I long for my mother.

The pain is great. I understand why people allow their lives to

drift from grandparents, parents and siblings, as they grow older. At

times, its a kind of defense mechanism that buffers the pain. We often


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start burying them years, even decades before they die. By the time we

say goodbye, weve gotten really good at being far way.

A friend called me the other day to express his condolences. I

know you had a special relationship with your mother, he said. His

words validated my pain. Finally someone got it. This wasnt some

ordinary mother. This was my mother and we had a special

relationship. We really did! So do (did) you! I feel your pain.

When you choose to love, you choose to experience pain.

Theres no way around it. Your grief is great.


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Chapter Fifteen

Healing Is In Our Worship

Blessed be Your name

When I'm found in the desert place

Though I walk through the wilderness

Blessed be Your name.a

Words cant express the wonders of heaven, nor can the mind

comprehend the things God has prepared for us. Some things have to

be experienced. Heaven is one of them. Im discovering worship is

our express lane to heaven.

Worship at its best involves all the senses. Heaven, like

worship, requires all the senses on hyper drive to experience its many

wonders. Therefore, worship is our best shot at experiencing heaven on

this side of eternity. Worship at its best involves smelling His creation,

tasting His goodness, feeling His loving embrace, seeing His tender

face, and hearing His gentle voice. When we worship, we are

consumed with His presence. When we are consumed with His

presence, it gives us a whole new perspective. We realized who He is

and who we are in light of Him.

Worship reveals that God is indeed glorious, great, good, and

graceful. We are His special creation. He loves us dearly. He created

us in all of His glory declaring our goodness. He rested in his glory at


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all He had created. He redeemed us through the offering of His life in

exchange for ours. He is renewing us to His very image. He is

restoring all things. Blessed be His name.

The Funeral

I took my place on the podium behind my mothers closed

casket. The church was filled with family and friends. My niece stood

and sang, His Eye Is on the Sparrow. It was a song that my mom had

sung many times from that place. I watched my father and sister as

they reached their hands toward heaven in worship.

I knew this was no ordinary day.

I knew this was no ordinary loss.

And I knew that we worshipped no ordinary savior.

Im discovering that healing is in our experience of worship.

When I worship, my heart is healed. Worship has a way of putting

things into perspective. Without worship, there is no healing.

While the pain of the moment is often more than we can bear,

we can choose to worship, or as in many cases worship seems to

choose us. We can focus on our loss or on what we have. Grief

reminds us of both.

In many ways, grief has become a welcomed companion.

Grief is a reminder of my great loss, which is a reminder of what I


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really had. In some ways its like being at a grand ball where grief and

joy dance endlessly throughout the night.

Suffering has become my constant companion, so has He! Therefore, I

choose to worship.


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Chapter SixteenThis Is As Good As It Gets

As I reflect on my mothers recent death I realize things are

really good. I mean they are as good as it gets. Death is a result of sin.

Death is really ugly. Death hurts deeply. I hate death. Yet the gospel

is a game changer. Paul framed it this way, And we know that in all

things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been

called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

I know mom is in Heaven. I know that she is healed. I rejoice

and weep at the same time when I think of it. I know our prayers have

been answered. I cant wait to see her. I long for it so much.

However, it is good because I know she is doing what she always did in

that she is living. Shes more alive than ever.

At the same time we are still in the middle of a great loss. I

still want my mama. Yet the love we have received is unbelievable.

Her funeral was a celebration of her life and her life in Christ.

The people of our community poured out their hearts. At the

Wake, we greeted friends and family for hours. They were all obviously

touched by my mom. The funeral was amazing. My sister read a poem

and sang one of moms favorite songs. My niece sang two songs. A

family friend made opening comments. My brother-in-law gave an

incredible eulogy. And then I had the greatest honor of my life. As my


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moms one and only son, I stood and spoke on behalf of the family.

During the days following my mothers death, my family was

amazing. I love them so much. I am so honored to be part of the

Putman family. My dad loved my mother so well and now in spite of

his grief he loved his three girls and son in an amazing way. All of us

spent the week together holding nothing back. While facing the most

difficult week of our lives, collectively we found peace in each others

presence.

In this it occurred to me how good our God had been to us.

He changed our lives. He gave and continues to give us hope. He is

faithful.

I dont know what people do without Him.


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Chapter Seventeen

Beautiful Savior

Ive included my mothers eulogy (Epilogue). I started not to,

but I knew my family and friends who shared the moment of her

funeral would treasure it. Some of them have asked for it. The day I

stood and gave it was one of the most important days of my life. My

niece had just sung How Beautiful, the perfect song for what I was

about to say. I spoke of my mom and her beauty. I also spoke of our

beautiful savior. My mom was beautiful. Our Jesus is beautiful. You

are a beautiful person. You were created for beauty. Yes, something

went wrong. Sin entered the world. Our world turned gray. However,

the very essence of it is beauty.

My wife has a gift for loving people. I think I was drawn to

her, unaware, because she is a lot like my mother. We often do that

when we pick our spouses.

Not long ago, we were visiting my sister. She lives in a

beautiful beach community so we love to visit her when the weather is

warm. On such a day I dropped off both my wife and sister at a

favorite outdoor watering hole with live music while I found a parking

place.

When I finally arrived, Tami (my wife) introduced me to a

new friend. I was a bit surprised. He was a young man. If he wasnt


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homeless, he wasnt far from it. He was nearly toothless and his

bathing suit was at least four sizes too big for him. He kept pulling on

it, the only thing that kept it from falling to his knees. He was what we

call in the Deep South three sheets to the wind. She introduced me to

him by name. Im always amazed, but never surprised by how she

treats the least of these with dignity and the greatest of respect. She

treats most everyone that way, especially if you are one of those people

who are pushed away by others.

After a couple of days my sister looked at me and asked,

Does Tami love everybody? Tami went on to explain that everyone

has some good or beauty in them. She went on to say that sometimes

you have to look really hard, but its there, somewhere. God created all

things and no matter how lost we might become, there is a beauty

worth redeeming.

Redemption

We all have a story. The gospel is Jesus story. Its the story

of beauty lost and beauty found. Jesus framed this story within another

story. Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for

fine pearls. When He found one of great value, He went away and sold

everything He had and bought it (Matthew 13:45-46).

We are the pearl of great value. God is the merchant that

when He finds us, He sells everything to purchase our redemption.

Gods all was Himself and He gave of Himself. He gave all of


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Himself. In your relationships with one another, have the same

mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not

consider equality with God something to be used to His own

advantage; rather, He made Himself nothing by taking the very nature

of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in

appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to

deatheven death on a cross (Philippians 2:5-8)!

Because sin left its ugly print on our lives, Jesus took our ugly

sin upon himself to restore our beauty. He redeemed us! He paid the

price we could not pay for ourselves. He gave it all. Because He died

on the cross there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ

Jesus (Romans 8:1).

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through

him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life,neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any

powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will

be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our

Lord (Romans 8:37-39).

Jesus redeems us and now theres no condemnation, we are

more than conquerors, and nothing can separate us from the love of

God. This is good news!

He loves us!

Renewal


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It doesnt stop there, not only did God redeem us, but He is

renewing us. He is transforming us into His very image. For we are

Gods masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can

do the good things He planned for us long ago (Ephesians 2:10, NLT).

We are Gods masterpiece. My mom was an artist. She took things

that had often lost their beauty and made them beautiful. She could take

a blank canvas and over time shape it into a beautiful masterpiece. God

is the ultimate artist. He created our world with his very words. He

sang creation into existence.

He is creating a beautiful masterpiece of each of our lives.

When He looks at us, He sees pure beauty, even when we dont. It may

be locked deep within, but He is bringing it out with each stroke of His

brush. A likeness is forming on the canvas, and that likeness is a

reflection of His beauty.He uses His love to bring out our love. As we come to know

Him, we become like Him. The gospel is His story of how He loves us.

In loving us, He does for us what we cant do for ourselves. Religion

says do this, live up to this, complete this and you will be okay. The

gospel shouts, You are beautiful in His sight. Religion offers advice.

The gospel is an announcement of good news that God has redeemed

us and He is renewing us. Its an announcement that you are beautiful

and the master artist is at work bringing it out.

Restoration


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As stated earlier, God will ultimately restore all things. That

will be heaven. He hasnt given up. God created this world. Sin

entered in leaving its ugly mark. We see it every day. Theres

unimaginable sin resulting in grief and pain all around us. In the final

chapter, we see a picture of a new heaven and a new earth. What God

intended all along ultimately comes to past. All of creation is restored.

For now He chooses to complete His story by rewriting our

story and we get to enter into the story of others helping rewrite theirs.

We get to participate. He is making His very appeal through us.

Our Story

Its easy to write a story and write what you only want others

to read. Over time our stories become legends or maybe even fables.

Reading my story and the story of my beautiful mom might leave youwith the impression that she was near perfect or that we were near

perfect. Not at all!

Starting out we were a family in trouble. My mom had three

children by the time she was twenty. My dad spent most of his time

traveling, drinking and fighting with her and others. He was an angry

man. I used to hide under the bed and cover my ears when I would

hear them fighting.

As the days progressed this endless cycle increased. In all

probability we werent going to make it as a family. I was okay with

that. I was tired. We all were tired.


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I recall on one occasion my mom telling us to get into the car

we were leaving. If dad wasnt home by a certain time, it wasnt going

to be pretty. I fell at her feet and begged her to let me stay. Somehow,

I felt the responsibility of caring for my dad. I could go on and on with

the pain, but it has served its purpose.

It began like a mustard seed and grew and grew. God

redeemed, renewed and ultimately restored my family. He began with

my Dad and made His way through our family. Our beautiful Savior

took a dull gray existence and filled IT with the most beautiful of

colors.

What He did for us, He can do for you.

When I stood and spoke those words at my moms funeral,

they were a long time in the making.

Yes indeed, God has set eternity in our hearts and Hesrewriting our story.

And indeed they did live happily ever after!


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Epilogue

On November 4, 2012, my mother passed away. It was my

sons birthday. Just like this book, their stories will forever be

intertwined. On November 7, 2012, I gave this eulogy in honor of my

mom. I couldnt do it without the comfort of Jesus and the hope of

heaven. I pray that you discovered or that you will discover this same

comfort and hope in your time of great pain and grief.

It still hurts. I still want my mama, but Im making my way

through it with His help.

I will see her again.

My Mothers Eulogy

On rare occasions one has the opportunity to meet and know a

lady with the elegance and grace of Patricia Putman. For Jane, Cathy,

Carole and I, we had the wonderful privilege of knowing her as Mom

and my father to know her as his wife of 56 years.

As you know, she was a beautiful woman. When she entered

a room, she filled it with her elegance and grace. It didnt end there.She HAD the rare gift of a true beauty that was far beyond skin deep.

The deeper you went, the more beauty you discovered.

I caught Jane (my sister) reading Moms journal the other

night. I asked her what it said. She replied, Love! Its just a big ole


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book of love. Page after page, she expressed her love for herfamily

and friends, and her gratefulness for her life.

Part of her beauty was her ability to focus on whoever was in

her presence. When you sat with her, it was if anyone and everything

else disappeared. She deeply loved everyone. I will forever remember

her as my number one fan, but it doesnt end there. She was yours,

yours, yours, and yours. She really believed in each and every one of

you. She loved her man. She loved her children, grandchildren and

great grandchildren dearly. And we had the great joy of sharing her

with you, because she loved you all.

As I think of my Mom, I think what made her so beautiful was

her simple faith. There were two verses that sum up how she lived her

life. One is referred to as the Great Commandment. She loved God

with all of her heart, mind and soul. And she loved her neighbor as sheloved herself. The other we know as the Golden Rule, Treat others as

you would have them treat you. She lived this out of her intimacy

with Christ.

The thing I admire most about my Mom was her ability to live

life to the fullest in spite of her suffering. I never heard her complain.

I once asked her about that and she replied, I can live or I can die, but

I choose to live. And that she did. No one outside of my Dad will ever

know how much she suffered, but we will know how much she lived

because she never stopped living. She never stopped driving, she never

stopped cooking, she never stopped going to church, and she never


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stopped singing in the choir. Sure she slowed down, but she never

stopped doing anything.

On the day she was diagnosed with Leukemia, I called my

Dad after he left the hospital and he told me the news. I said, Let me

speak to Mom. He replied shes in Hobby Lobby. He was sitting in

front of Hobby Lobby waiting on her. She was buying art supplies.

In the darkest of moments Carole my youngest sister received

a special gift. Over and over again she heard these words, This is the

day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. She

immediately knew these words were a gift from Mom through the

Spirit because this is what she would tell us. This is the day the Lord

has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. Mom lived her life that

way.

We all have so many beautiful memories of Mom, so many ofyou have shared them with us and as a family will hold onto them as

our most treasured possessions. For me, one of my favorites was a trip

we took together to New York City, just she and I. She was a woman

of culture as you know and for a few days she was transported to

another era and time. We took the trip in 2004 or 2005. She was

entering what we now know was the spent phase of her disease. I

wanted to do something special with her, so I gave her the trip for her

birthday. It took us a year or so before she was healthy enough to go.

Through her research and MD Andersons gift of healing, she was


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given several wonderful years of quality of life that afforded us the

opportunity to finally make our trip.

I was concerned about taking this country girl to the city.

What I learned was that this country girl was a city gi

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