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Jekyll & Hyde Panto

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    Version 8 (Sound/Light/Prop copy)

    JEKYLL & HYDE

    The Panto

    A GOTHIC PANTOMIME Adapted by David Jay

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    ACT ONESCENE ONE:ART 1 -CURTAIN DOWNSign: The DessertEnter from left ARAB RIDING CAMEL.(Stops to Preen his ghutrah...he picks up some Bananas)

    ARAB RIDING CAMEL : Yes, Its the Milk Sheikh again!!! Ive got the Banana Shakes for Dessert!

    Deyo, Deyeyeyo, Daylight come and I wanna go home.Deyo, Deyeyeyo, Daylight come and I wanna go home.Everybody sing!Deyo, Deyeyeyo, Daylight come and I wanna go home.Deyo, Deyeyeyo, Daylight come and I wanna go home.

    Come on everyone, this is panto, youre supposed to singalong!!!(He picks up some more fruit) Lets try this one! Im feeling fruity and I want just desserts !...Joinin everyone!Tutti Frutti, all rootie,Tutti Frutti, all rootieTutti Frutti, all rootieTutti Frutti, all rootie

    (Everyone) A-wop-bop-a-loo-lop a-lop bam booHow about this old chestnut?I scream, You scream we all scream........Ice Cream!!!!

    (To audience) You lot really gimme the Hump, you got to join in or I set my camel on you! This isPantomime, so let me give you a quick Panto lesson! When the Baddy comes on you boo andhiss ....come on now lets hear you! (Boos and hisses) Thats no good!.....Oh, No it isnt (promptOh yes it is!) And what do you shout when someones behind you? (Prompts audience) GoodGolly, Miss Molly, thats better!!

    (CHILD appears behind him...audience shouts Behind You!) Thats very good, but you can stop it now! (Child pulls his leg) Stop messin with me child!come on now, this may be Pantomime, but stoppulling my leg! (Legcomes off) Now you gone and done it, you gone and pulled my leg right off!

    (CHILD pulls his hand off) Stop it! Cant you lot give me a bi g hand? (Encourages applause) I may be

    armless, but I can see you lot will be legless before the night is out. All these props cost me anarm and a leg! We couldnt even afford to give my camel two legs....There is a credit crunch youknow! Here comes trouble! Im off for more afters! (rides off)

    (Enter from left, Sheerluck Jones and Watson)SHEERLUCK JONES: Watson! Why are we being served dessert at the START of the show? It should

    be for afters! Didnt they like their Mince Pies? (To Audience) I know, I know its a cornucopia ofcorn!You know Ladies and Gentlemen, youre going to hear enough flakey corn and bluecheese in this show to make you go crackers! Whats all this about food anyway?

    CHILD: Its the dessert song!

    SHEERLUCK JONES: Its not the dessert song, we cant trifle with dessert, were only on the starters!

    We are supposed to be in the Desert. It should be the desert song! DESERT (Hecrosses out one S with a marker) How many ss in that?

    CHILD: None!

    SHEERLUCK JONES: None?

    CHILD: There are no ss in that! THAT!

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    SHEERLUCK JONES: Look, Weve already had food poisoning in RAK once this year and now thewriters poison pen is giving us all the runs. Now off you go and dont slip up on any bananaSheikhs again! So split or I ll give you a bunch of fives!!

    (Exit CHILD)

    WATSON: C, C, C, Can we have a B, B, B Banana joke detective?

    SHEERLUCK JONES: All right, just one more then.

    WATSON: Why d, d, d, did the banana have to go out with the old p, p, prune ?..(waits for theresponse)Yes thats right! Because he couldnt f, f, find a date (drum beat).

    SHEERLUCK JONES: Oh dear, Watson, do I have to put up with this rubbish? (In a Shakespeareanvoice.)Im an actor playing a famous sleuth not a sidekick to comic playing a buffon, and I cansing too! Now, that desert song, thats right up my street! (Clears throat to sing)

    WATSON: sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, shouldnt we l, l, leave Detectivetheres some real thespians c, c, comingout tonight!

    SHEERLUCK JONES: Some of my best friends are thespians! Anyway, Wed best be on our way, Iveheard someones losing their patients at the RAK and Ruin Hospital and only a mind like minecan solve the mystery!

    SCENE TWO:ART SCENE 1 (1 > 4) CURTAIN RISES to HOSPITAL FRONT > (6 > 9) ZOOM TO HOSPITAL

    FOYER

    HOSPITAL FOYER/JEKYLLS SURGERY Sign stating RAK andRuin Hospital(From right NURSES scurry on with Jekylls table and chair(with Jekyll behind) and PATIENTS from left(bringingchairs and newspapers) line up in the surgery . From right, Mr Icky, Mr Hoppity, Smash andGrab. MR ICKY is first).

    NURSE FANNY: Whove you come to see.

    MR ICKY: Ive come to see the Doctor!

    NURSE FANNY? Doctor Who?

    MR ICKY: Who works here?

    NURSE ADAMS: Doctors.

    MR ICKY: Which Doctors?

    NURSE FANNY: Witch Doctors dont work here; all our Doctors have got PHDs!

    MR ICKY: Well they should have their PhDs treated; Ive heard theyre contagious!

    NURSE ADAMS: They are at HCT, they cant get enough of them! Anyway, enough of the local satir e,youve come to see Doctor who?

    MR ICKY: No I saw Doctor Who last night on the telly, Its awfully good, isnt it( Daleks voice)Exterminate, Exterminate!!!

    NURSE FANNY: Im sorry, but we havent got time for humour here, weve got to get the Operatin gTheatre open and get this show on the road. Please go and see Dr Jekyll!

    MR ICKY: But I saw Doctor Jekyll at the cinema last week. I was so scared It made me hide!

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    NURSE ADAMS: I didnt know Doctor Jekyll liked films. Anyway, hes free.

    MR ICKY: Im glad hes free, private insurance costs the earth in RAK, doesnt it mums and dads?(He knocks on the door)

    ART - SCENE 2(10) FOYER DISSOLVE TO SURGERY

    JEKYLL: I am Doctor Jekyll - Welcome

    MR ICKY: (Looking terrified) Youre Doctor who?

    JEKYLL: Look dont start that again. What do you want man?

    MR ICKY: Doctor, Doctor, I keep wanting to paint myself gold.

    JEKYLL: Thats just a gilt complex. Next!

    (MR ICKY leaves. Mr HOPPITY wheels himself on a wheelchair)

    MR HOPPITY: Doctor, Ive broken my leg in two places.

    JEKYLL: Which two places are they? I wouldnt go there again.

    MR HOPPITY: No, Ive broken my left leg here and here.

    JEKYLL: Well, youll be all right now if we amputate whats left.

    MR HOPPITY: Amputate it!...I see!

    JEKYLL: Im not pulling your leg, if it aint fixed, we break it, then we can saw it right off . You say Isee..................I say I saw! (Puts Hoppitys leg on Table and with a saw, saws the leg off,revealing a sawn off leg) Lets saw the whole thing off!

    MR HOPPITY: But I cant have a big role in this Pantomime with only my right leg for the rest of the show!

    JEKYLL: I've got nothing against your right leg. Trouble is neither have you. You fall down on your left.(He hands Mr Hoppity the leg, MR HOPPITY wh eels himself off screaming) Next! Mr Icky! Whatswrong this time?

    MR ICKY: Doctor, Doctor, when I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... ithurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong?

    JEKYLL: You have a broken finger! .(drum beat) I know, these are bitter pills to swallow! (giving himsome pills) take one of these thirty minutes before you wake up ..(MR ICKY leaves) Oh, if Icould only cure all their troubles and strife! Whos that?

    MR NOBODY (offstage): Doctor, Doctor - I think Ive become invisible.

    JEKYLL: Who said that?

    MR NOBODY (offstage): Its me. Ive suddenly disappeared. Whats wrong with me?

    JEKYLL: Youre not all there! And youve got nobody to love!.Next.

    SMASH and GRAB (in wig and dress) arrive pretending to be a couple.

    JEKYLL: How can I help you?(GRAB mimes that she cannot speak, and SMASH nips behind JEKYLL and steals his wallet. He comesback round).

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    SMASH: Its myerwife, Doctor. Shes got laryngitis.(GRAB goes behind JEKYLL and steals a syringe from the table).

    JEKYLL: Im afraid theres nothing much I can do to cure it.

    SMASH: Cure it? Cure it? I want to you to prolong it!(They leave, GRAB whackingSMASHwith a hammer).

    JEKYLL. I want my life to count for so mething! I know I can find the cure to all their troubles! (MR ICKYapproaches. MATRON stands at the back and watches disapprovingly).Mr Icky - theres nothing wrong with you. (taking his pulse) Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.

    MR ICKY: Youve got your hand on my watch! Check my records. (Hands him his records)

    JEKYLL: (does so, his face clouding) Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear.

    MR ICKY: (horrified) What is it, Doctor?

    JEKYLL: You're dying of a rare tropical disease.Frostbite. You don't have much time left.

    MR ICKY: (delighted) I knew it! (suddenly worried) How long have I got?"

    JEKYLL: (sadly) Ten

    MR ICKY: (interrupting) Ten what? Ten months? Ten weeks? What?

    JEKYLL: (looking at his watch) Nine.. eight... seven...six

    MR ICKY: I don't mind dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens!(MR ICKY leaves screaming. JEKYLL chuckles as MATRON enters from right).

    MATRON: Doctor Jekyll, we are running out of patients. (Looking at the audience) And so are they. Andwere nearly broke.

    JEKYLL: But the drugs dont work!

    MATRON: Give them a placebo if you cant cure them, theyre all insured you know, and we need theirmoney. If they arent insured, c ast them out, we dont want the Welfare in this State!

    JEKYLL: You may be Matron of my hospital but I am in charge. I will not tolerate such a callous attitude!(JACQUES rushes in from left, carryinga bag of tricks (tin of snakes,handbuzzer, whoopee c ushion,

    baguette etc) and shoving MATRON to get to JEKYLL).

    JACQUES: Bonjour Boys and Girls. Je mapelle Jacques, (Looking at Matron) Mon Dieu! (To audience)Mutton dressed as mutton! .Ooh la la Matron, I dreamt about you last night.

    MATRON: Did you?

    JACQUES: Did I, Did I what?..Oh.No, you wouldn't let me! (drum beat)

    MATRON: Ooh! Where are your manners? (chases him around, bashing him)

    JACQUES: My Manners? Je nesais pas, Im French, Ive never used zem. Doctor, Im a bit stiff,(sarcastically) I sink Matrons to blame!

    JEKYLL: (Inspecting him) Just as I thought, youve hurt your coccyx.

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    JACQUES: I did not, ees working fine, I hurt my back!

    JEKYLL: Your coccyx is at the base of your spine.

    JACQUES: Well Ive never eard it called dat befo re! Ere Doctor J, I found your wallet. (he hands thewalletto him)

    JEKYLL: Its empty!

    MATRON: And I wonder who took the money!

    JACQUES: Pas Moi! I never! Im no teef! Im earning now! Ive got de new job de the new RAK BowlingAlley!

    MATRON: Tenpin?

    JACQUES: No, Iz permanent!

    MATRON: Youre permanently idle and youre a little thief!

    JEKYLL: Matron! You must take that back, Jacquess as innocent as a lamb, arent you boy?(Jacques feigns bashfulness)

    JACQUES: No ard feelings, eh? Matron. Shake on it.(JACQUES extends a hand. MATRON takes it; the hand is fake and she is left holding it.

    JACQUES: Always keen to give you de and. (To audience) Dees props cost an arm and a leg! ... (Toaudience) .I know, I know, we ad zis gag before ...zats for those who didnt give it an and firsttime round! (Jacques gets entangled with Matron)

    MATRON: Get out! Doctor..Get.Jacquesoff!!(JACQUES runs out left laughing)

    JEKYLL: Jacques just gets carried away.

    MATRON: Hell get carried away on a stretcher soon. You should sack him - and his stupid mother too.

    JEKYLL: And then who would run the hospital laundry in the basement? Now I wish to continue myexperiments. Please attend to your duties, go down and see how the dirty laundry is comi ngalong!

    (MATRON leaves right as JEKYLL places some purple liquid filled test tubes in front of him).FX: RAINAND OCCASIONAL THUNDER

    JEKYLL: Alone at last. My purifying machine finally works - now to test this medicine(JEKYLL takes hispotion, mixes ingredients and drinks the purple liquid. He begins to react violently,really over the top, clutching his throat and groaning -so the audience are fooled into thinking this is atransformation).

    JEKYLL: (with pursed lips) Oh, it tastes like the Guinness at the Golden Ferret!(He sits down and makes notes. Nothing happens).

    JEKYLL: No effectjust like the Guinness at the Golden Ferret! (Then )FX: TRANSFORMATIONMUSIC

    JEKYLL grabs his throat again and starts to gasp. He then does a transformation dance and he staggersbehind the medical screen.

    FX: TRANSFORMATIONMUSIC (25 SECONDS)ART - SCENE 2 (15 >16) TRANSFORMATION then SURGERY -ANIMATION (25 SECONDS)

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    (There is a transformation from JEKYLL to HYDE. A pause - then a hand appears from the medicalscreen. A man backs out dressed as JEKYLL but turns around to reveal Mr HYDE, a half formed mantrying to take in his surroundings, grunting. HYDE spots and interacts with the audience through grunts.He needs to get them booing, but purports not to know why when they do (and looks hurt). HYDE finds ahand mirror. He looks in it and is revolted).

    HYDE: Ugly! (He turns the mirror to face the audience and points to it) Ugly! Ugly! Me Hide! (Hidesbehind mirror(HYDE then pulls out sweets).

    HYDE: (To audience) You want?

    (He makes as if to throw them some sweets then does not and scoffs some like a pig himself,laughing. HYDE then pulls out a water pistolfrom the desk, and points at the audience).

    HYDE: You want?(He makes to put it away and then squirts bubbles, lulling them into a false sense of security, beforesquirting water at them. Laughing, he addresses a man in the audience).

    HYDE: You want kissy?(There should be a negative response. HYDE looks hurt).

    HYDE: But me wonderful!Yes, me am!

    (The Oh no, youre not/Oh yes me am routine). During this banter, Cheerleaders jogging across stagecatch site of Hyde, stop, stare and laugh!SONG: UGLY (1.00);CHEERLEADERS enter left, one with singalong board stating: U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi, You ugly! Hey! Hey! You ugly. (Repeat with audience participation)(Exit left Cheerleaders) ART - SCENE 2(39) SURGERY TO BLOOD BANK - ANIMATIONHYDE: You not like me? Me hurt. Me do damage.! Me want revenge! Destroy! Destroy! (acts out thebreaking of the blood bottles).ART - SCENE 2(40) HYDE BREAKS THE BOTTLES ANIMATION FX: LOUD CRASHINGOFGLASS WITH SPLASHES.(HYDE staggers behind screen which turns to JEKYLLs surgery, and HYDE returns, his white coat isnow blood-splattered.

    HYDE: (points to Cheerleaders direction) They make me do that! I can dance too!(He begins to twitch and dances the transformation dance )FX: TRANSFORMATIONMUSIC

    HYDE: What happen? Changing! No, no (Gurgling sounds) (There is a transformation behind the screen back to JEKYLL, who cannot remember a thing).ART - SCENE 2 (41) TRANSFORMATION then SURGERY -ANIMATION (25 SECONDS)

    JEKYLL: (yawns) What a lovely sleep. Strange dream though. Did anything happen whilst I wassnoozing?

    (The audience react. JEKYLL poo -poos the suggestions. He holds up cards with spots on).

    JEKYLL: Can you see spots before your eyes? Yes? Youre obviously all hallucinating . How many spotscan you see? (Does magic card trick). You know Im not very good at magic, I can only do half a

    trick. Yes Im a member of the magic semi -circle! (drum beat) Anyway, I must begin work onmass production of my cure all potion immediately .

    FX: THUNDER (Jekyll exits right)

    SCENE THREE:ART - SCENE 3 (1) LAUNDRY , WASHING MACHINE - ANIMATIONLULUS LAUNDRYFX: BUBBLINGAND GURGLES+ BUBBLEMACHINE.

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    (The laundry - clothes on lines; iron tubs; sinks; bubbles floating by occasionally; a decrepit old washingmachine. LULU enters left decorated with packets of washing powder, dolly pegs , etc. She enters to aflurry of bubbles, carrying a bucket and tongs).

    LULU: Hello boys & girls. Im Lulu, so big they named me twice! I tell you what, When I shout out Youmake me wanna shout, I want you all to shout Hello Lulu Can you do that?

    (Lulu tries it out with the audience a couple of times).LULU: My name is Lulu Lather. Im a widow now, 3 times! My first ran a Pizzeria in Italybut he pasta

    way (drum beat). The second, Patrick, came from Ireland. He died of consumptiontoo much

    Guinness! Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one! Anyway, so then I was an ex-pat (drum beat). I met my third husband in his public convenience store in Gay Parii, a pee peeparlour, French styleyou know the sort, no bowls for your bowel movements ..well he wasntcalled Two Loos Lather for nothing! Anyway, he kicked les Bouquet. When he died his plumbingwas completely round the twist. All he left me was petit Jacques, and a bent cistern! I was allbust..(touching cleavage) mmmmm still am arent I girls? So I had to come out to the Middle Eastfor some tax-free dosh.

    (Matron arrives right)MATRON: Have you washed all the smalls yet Lulu?

    LULU: Smalls? Smalls? I had my sights set on bigger things! When I arrived, you told me I was going tobe a fancy dancer in Dubai, moving my London derriere (wiggles her bottom) but with someheavy trafficking on the Emirates Road, here I am, an old scrubber in RAK and Ruin Hospital!Ive been a banged up broad, I mean Ive been banged up abroad all my life!

    MATRON: What was that you said? If you dont g et on with your work, you wont get your passport back,and if you dont have a passport, youll never leave RAK!

    LULU: Who said there was free speech in the UAE? I cant complain well I can ,(to the audience) theair cons always on the blink. Yesthe landlord still hasnt fixed itIve been faxing him everyweek for a year to get it doneMadam, I said Faxing! Its hard work here in the laundry I saidits hard work! Come on you lot, this is Pantomime, youre supposed to go Ahhhh!!

    (The audience react).

    LULU: No its harder than that. (tries again with audience). Some of the patients underwear is so filthy -they must be sick. It must be something they ate at Iftar! They didnt get to this Loo Loo in time !(drum beat)

    MATRON: Lulu, enough already! Get on with your scrubbing, now!!! (Matron leaves right)

    LULU: Doing lots of washing can make your hands dry, so I use Furry Liquid (shows audience the bottleof Furry Liquid) available at all good supermarkets, Carrefour, Spinneys, Lulu s -no relation Imafraid. Still, the one advantage of working here is that I can borrow the rich patients clothes. Somuch to choose from; Ive got stocks of frocks, rows of robes, and (unsure) lerts of skirts! Imgoing to change now. Gentlemen, I want you all to look away. If youre not a gentleman, leaveyour name at the stage door and Ill take down your particulars later!

    MUSIC: THE STRIPPER(She undresses behind the screen, revealing previously unseen items- all bizarre;. She comes out againin a pair of long johns and some bizarre underwear!)

    LULU: What do you think? Im a beautiful, bountiful nightie -ful! Now, what shall I wear today?(Starts to SingIFEEL PRETTYas she tries on different outfits)

    I feel pretty,Oh, so pretty,I feel pretty and witty and bright!Its a pity

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    That these dresses are all far too tight.LULU: Im so poor and lonely - all Ive got in the world is a lonely heart (suddenly angry) and my work-shy

    son, Jacques. Hes may live in a laundry but hes a lazy little sud!

    (JACQUES arrives left carrying a massivelyoverfilled laundry basket, almost toppling and arriving in aflurry of bubbles)JACQUES: Bonjour boys and girls. (Audience response). Ello, Ello mama, comment ca va?

    LULU: That old washing machines on the blink again. Its got a lot of defiance for an appliance!ART - SCENE 3 (4) WASHING MACHINE MALFUNCTIONING - ANIMATION

    (FX: MECHANICAL GRINDINGThere are more bubbles).

    JACQUES: Everyting in dis ospital is eyder too old or doesnt work (to audience) and shes both! (drumbeat) and I get no petit pocket money as you dont get paid!

    LULU: Well thats the wages of spin.

    (Matron enters right).MATRON: Look at you! Outside, a well -dressed woman, inside, a pathetic, sad old crone who lives in a

    dream world and wears other peoples clothes and walks in other peoples shoes!

    LULU: I dont walk in your shoes, (to audience) The old boot! Shes a hatchet faced rat bag!

    MATRON: (angry) What was that?

    LULU: I said.I like to wear matching la ce glad rags.

    MATRON: (suddenly) That dress!

    LULU: Whats wrong with it?

    MATRON: Nothing. Its a lovely dress. Its just not yours, is it? If I catch you wearing customersI meanpatients clothes

    LULU: You make me want to shout! (Some in the cast shout Hello Lulu!) not now, not now, Im buildingup some dynamic tension! Are you threatening me? (squaring up for a fight) Look Matron, thisis my laundry.

    MATRON: Yes, and its in my hospital. There has been a prolonged period of petty pilferin g problems.

    LULU: A prolonged period of petty pilfering problems? That was good. Can you say She sells seashellsby the seashore?

    MATRON: She spells sheasells .see shell seasells, shells.

    LULU: Didnt think so.

    MATRON: I think your boy Jacques did it and if I can prove it, you will be forced to leave this laundryforever. Youll be on the street and youll be destitute

    LULU: Oh no! I may occasionally be a lady in red, but Ill never stoop so low as to be a des titute.

    JACQUES: It wasnt me - I never stole nuting!

    MATRON: (corrects him) Youve never stolen anything.

    JACQUES: Ah ha! So you agree!

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    ART - SCENE 3 (6) DAMAGED BLOODBANK

    MATRON: And - the hospital blood bank has been destroyed!

    LULU: That cant be Jacques!

    MATRON: Why not? Hes always playing pranks. What about that time he put a firework in the lavatory?

    LULU: That was just a flash in the pan.

    MATRON: And he put a frog in my knickers . (removes a toy frog+ FROGFX)

    LULU: He just wanted to see a toad in thenever mind! What makes you think Jacques did it?

    MATRON: The culprit would be covered in bloodstains - and where better to get rid of the evidence - butin a laundry.

    JACQUES: I didnt do it. I swear.

    MATRON: And we wont have any swearing neither!

    FX: KNOCK

    (JEKYLL enters right, carrying his bloodstained white coatover his arm).JEKYLL: All having a nice chat?

    JACQUES: (sarcastic) Oh, were having a ball!(Exit Jacques left).

    JEKYLL (producinga ballfrom his pocket): Oh, you wont want this then!

    LULU: I didnt realise it was that in his pocket, I thought he was just pleased to see me! Oh, Dr Jekyll,would you like a nice cup of tea? Or something a bit weaker, like me? ( she throws herself at himand in so doing she drops some pants) Oh look, youve made me drop my pants!

    JEKYLL: Ive called he Police about the blood bank incident. Theyre sending a detective along. Well,good day, ladies. Matron, shouldnt you be attending to yo ur work?(MATRON leaves right angrily. LULU mouths bye bye as she passes and mimes score one to me. )

    LULU: Thank goodness for that! Shes upright, forthright and downright rude! So how can I help you,Doctor Jekyll?

    (JEKYLL shows his bloodstained white coat.)JEKYLL: My coat has mysteriously got some blood stains on it. I cant think how - could you give it a

    quick clean? (he leaves right)

    LULU: What a bloody fine mess hes got into today! And I thought he was such a smooth operator! Hemust have slipped up with his scalpel.

    (Lulu exits left)

    SCENE FOUR:ART - SCENE 3 (6) DAMAGED BLOODBANK BLOOD BANK - Full of broken bottles(JACQUES enters left carrying his bag of tricks, and looks around shocked at the damaged bottles).

    JACQUES: Bonjour boys and girls! (audience response) Wow! Someones ad a Bon temp in ere!(JACQUES hides as MOLLY enters right, singing Part of your world with nose in her book...not

    noticing all the damage)

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    MOLLY: Look at this stuff, Isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?Wouldn't you think I'm the girl, The girl who has everything? Look at this trove, Treasures untoldHow many wonders can one cavern hold? (Mollys books lyrics)

    JACQUES: (Interrupting Mollys song) Ool la la! Leetle Mermaidoiselle ! Non Non Non Non. Access surle public verboten!

    MOLLY: Im not a member of the public. Im Molly - Molly OLoan, a poor orphan who lives with Matron.Do you know her?

    JACQUES: Merde! Only too well! (suspicious) Do you come ere o rften poor leetle orphan? I never seenyou round de orsepital?

    MOLLY: Im not allowed to leave our living quarters. Matron sees I have a roof over my head so I cannotbegrudge that she makes me do all the cooking and washing and cleaning and. I just w ishshed let me use something bigger than a toothbrush. Who are you?

    JACQUES: (Bowing) Je mapelle Jacques. Bojour mon petit bijoux!(He holds out his hand in greeting. MOLLY takes it and gets a shock).FX: BUZZER.JACQUES: (to the audience..showing the buzzer) Le andbuzzer!

    MOLLY: (hurt) Buzz off! That wasnt very nice.

    JACQUES: (contrite) Sorry, Molly. Ere, have a nut.

    (MOLLY takes and opens his tub of nuts, but screams as snakes flies out).FX: WHIZZ AS SNAKE FLIES OUT

    JACQUES: It was only a joke!(MOLLY ignores him and takes notes as she looks round. JACQUES is curious).Quesceque sais? (pause) Quesceque sais? (pause) Oi! Im talking to you!

    MOLLY: Well, Im not talking to you.

    JACQUES: No wonder youre lonely.

    MOLLY: (stung) Matron said that there had been an incident in the blood bank and Im investigating it.

    JACQUES: She tinks Im de one who done it, too - but pas moi. I are never been to dis blood bank before- I dont even ave an account! (drum beat) What are you writing?

    MOLLY: Im taking notes - this book says thats what you do and Im an educated young lady.I went toRAKESS you know!

    JACQUES: Oh la la !! Livre! Pah!! I go to de University of Life! I dont need books and silly old teachers!Old teachers never die; dey only lose der class. Bon - bon!

    MOLLY: Well at RAKESS the classes always lose their teachers! The kids went back to school aftersummer holiday and theyd all gone!

    JACQUES: Gone?

    CAST: Gone?

    MOLLY: Gone!.Look,.Lets not star t that yet again!

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    JEKYLL: Yes?

    SHEERLUCK: Another case solved! Gad, Im a genius! Allow me to intr oduce myself. I am SheerluckJones, the greatest detective in the world. And this is Non PC Watson. Hes my number two, andnothing he says is PC I assure you!

    MATRON: Inspector Jones, Wats..on.

    SHEERLUCK: Whats on? Nothing much apart from this Panto tonight and a bit of slap and Tickle at the

    Nakheel Hotel!

    MATRON: I said Wat son, Wat son!

    SHEERLUCK: Im not your sonAre you hard of hearing?

    MATRON: Oh, I give up! What progress is there on the blood bank?

    SHEERLUCK: I shall hunt down the culpri t to the three corners of the Earth.

    MATRON: Dont you mean four corners? What on earth got you two into the Police Force in the firstplace?

    (Exit right Jekyll and Matron disgusted)

    WATSON: My D, D, D, Dad was a PC, Plod by name, plod by nature, My B, B, B, Brother was, well.not so PC and my M, M, M, Mother was a WC! . (He blows his whistle)..Here comes plod now!Come on Mr ICKY, D, d, d, d, dont be such a s, s, s, s, s, sicky, Join in!

    SONG: THE LAUGHINGPOLICEMAN.

    PC PLOD: I knew a fat old policeman He was always on our street.A fat and jolly red-faced man He really was a treat.

    MR ICKY: He was too kind for a policeman He was never known to frown.And everybody said He was the happiest man in town!.

    Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

    Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

    PC PLOD: He laughed upon point duty He laughed upon his beat.He laughed at everybody When walking in the street.

    MR ICKY: He never could stop laughing He said he never tried.But once he did arrest a man And laughed until he cried!Everybody:Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

    Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

    WATSON: We used to be City Centre b, b, b, b, b, b, b, beat officers, the ones that r, r, r, rap.

    SHEERLUCK: I thought your brother was a traffic warden Watson. I remember he left a little note on mycar at the Yard which said Parking FineI thought that was awfully nice to compliment me on mydriving!

    PC PLOD: Sir, It was a Parking ticket!, you were on a disabled Parking space!

    SHEERLUCK: But I've got nothing against disabled people, I've even got one of their stickers on my car.Now you lot, get back on the station and solve some crimes!

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    PC PLOD: But the toilets at our loca l police station have been stolen. And weve got nothing to go on. (Extra coppers exit left)

    SHEERLUCK: (Shouting) Use your helmets men! (Jones is suspicious and approaching a worriedSMASH and GRAB) Now then, you two. Youre dressed extremely suspiciously. Why you arewearing blindfolds?

    GRAB: Because.er

    SMASH: Were terrible insomniacs and these help us sleep.

    SHEERLUCK: (noting) Help you sleep. Then why the holes in them?

    GRAB: Becauseer.

    SMASH: Were also afraid of the dark.

    SHEERLUCK: (furrows brow and then lightens) That seems to be in order. Youre free to go about yourbusiness.

    (SMASH and GRAB pick Joness pocket as they leave left. WATSON and PC Plod put their faces in theirhands).

    SHEERLUCK: Nice man. Now, where was I?

    JACQUES: Inspector Jones! Do you want some elp solving de crime?

    SHEERLUCK: Out of my way, garcon. Youre not Inspector Clouseau I dont need your crackpot theories- Ive got plenty of my own. Watson, where is your pencil and paper? I want you to trace someonefor me. (drum beat). Watson - take his fingerprints!

    (WATSON takespaper pad, inks JACQUESs fingers and then presses the m to paper, whichSHEERLUCK inspects them with a magnifying glass).

    SHEERLUCK: This is very suspicious - your fingerprints match exactly some fingerprints we have policerecords on

    JACQUES: Where?

    SHEERLUCK: These ones!(SHEERLUCK brandishes the paper in the air).

    JACQUES: Zis is stupid! I ave not done it.

    SHEERLUCK: We dont tamper with evidence young man! Do we Watson? (looking at paper) er youbrought some tippex with you didnt you?correct me if Im wrong! (drum beat). Geddit?Tippexcorrect me if Im wrong? Theyre all adrift! Where did they get this audience? The

    Sailing Club? Theyll be all adrift there soon, up the creek without a paddle.(As he speaks Nurse Fanny brings on a cup of tea)Nothing shall stop me in my sear ch for the criminal - through Hell or high-water, rain and snow,hail and pace. I shall be relentless, never ceasing, ever toiling, and stopping for nothing.

    NURSE FANNY: Tea Time!

    SHEERLUCK: Got to goIts 4 oclock!!(Exit Left)

    SCENE SIX:

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    ART SCENE 5 (6)SURGERY

    JEKYLLS SURGERY(The SURGERY with desk and the Essence Distillation Engine covered up. MR ICKY enters left. JEKYLLfrom right does not look up from his newspaper during the entire exchange that follows).

    JEKYLL: Mr Icky - were closed.

    MR ICKY: But Doctor, its a matter of life and death.

    JEKYLL: So you keep promising.

    FX: BREAKINGWINDMR ICKY: Ive got the most awful wind. Can you give me something for it?(JEKYLL gives him a small kite and pushes him off the stage towards left, and into LULU who is wearingthe Doctors white coat enters left. LULU and Mr Icky fall over).

    LULU: Oh! Hello Doctor Jekyll. Hello boys and girls! ..You make me want to shout!.(Audience react. By now, Mr Icky walks off clutching his foot in pain).

    LULU: Clearly a case of Footus Swollenus - or possibly Actus Excessivus.

    JEKYLL: Youre not a doctor!

    LULU: I must be I have your coat on, but Im dying to have it off.

    JEKYLL: I asked you to clean it, press it and return it to me.

    LULU: Well, I have, and I did and I am.

    (LULU removes the coat to reveal a gown and apron, with fake front, which she removes to show aHamburger sign with the words Home of the Whopper)

    LULU: Youve got to make money where you can and thats just at the topyou should see what Ivegot printed on the bottom ! (To the male member of the audience) I know youd like to see,wouldnt you.cheeky!

    (JACQUES from left and MOLLY arrive from right. LULU grabs JACQUES by the ear).LULU: Oh look - from pop idol to bone idle!

    MOLLY: (to JACQUES) Stay away from me!

    LULU: (suspicious) Jacques, You havent got into trouble, have you?

    JACQUES: (cross) No - Ive met dis girl.

    LULU: (horrified) You havent got her into trouble?

    MOLLY: Doctor, Ive worked out who attacked the blood bank, your Jacques!

    JACQUES: Non, Im Jaques!

    LULU: Codswallop! (explains) The wallop of cods!

    JEKYLL: Enough cod humour! I have perfected an invention that will s ave this hospital from financialruin. Now close your eyes everyone!

    LULU: Something smells fishy about this. Are we talking about an aquarium?

    JACQUES: What does it matter what star sign it is? (drum beat) .Or is it a counterfeit money press?

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    JEKYLL: No no no. Nothing illegal; I am an ethical man. Ive signed the Hippocratic oath!

    LULU: I never called you no Hypocrite. But I wont hold it against you dear, unlessyoud like me too!(She fumbles, still with her eyes closed in an attempt to embrace Jekyll)

    JEKYLL: I would like to share with you everything I hold dear to me. May I show you my equipment?

    LULU: Oh my dear, I thought youd never ask! Bring it on, bring it on!

    (JEKYLL reveals the Engine)

    JEKYLL: All right, you can look now! It is my Essence Distillation Engine!(LULU and JACQUES gasp, then realising they dont understand look confused! )

    LULU: Does it make things pure?

    JEKYLL: Well, in your case nothing can reverse the ravages of age! I believe Carrefour has a range ofAnti-Aging creams you could try, but I would suggest plastic surgery! No, this machine lets memass produce medicines to cure sick people.

    JACQUES: Does it work?

    LULU: (increasingly OTT) Does it work? Does it work? Does it work? (She points, draws a breath, thinksbetter of it, turns and says calmly to JEKYLL) Hes got a point, you know. Does it work?

    JEKYLL: Yes it does! The machine breaks things down into its basic parts.

    LULU: Let me try it. We had a Chinese tak eaway last night. Heres the sweet and sour we had left over.(LULU puts a tub into the Engine, pulls the lever and the lights flash)FX: COMEDYMACHINENOISES

    LULU: (pulls out a bag of sweets) Well, heres the sweet.(LULU hands them to JACQUES who throws them into the audience. LULU returns to the Engine and

    pulls out a picture ofMATRON).

    LULU: And heres the sour!

    MOLLY: Its marvellous, Doctor.

    JEKYLL: My Essence Distillation Engine will save the world.

    (Molly leaves right, Jaques and Lulu left. JEKYLL removes two test tubes from the Engine).

    JEKYLL: One more test to make sure my sleeping draft is safe ..(Lifts to drink but stops at knocking) Not again! Who is it this time?(From left a pregnant Mrs Icky enters with her husband looking terrified)MRS ICKY: Doctor, somethings happened to meI have belly acheIs it something Ive eaten?

    DR JEKYLL: (Despairing, but shaking Mr Ickys hand after a quick inspection) Congratulations, Youre pregnant! Youre going to have a baby !

    MR ICKY: Im going to have a baby? Its a miracle!

    DR JEKYLL: Not you, you fool, your wife!

    MR ICKY: But it is a miracle, I havent had sex with my wife since 1956, Thats a long time ago!

    DR JEKYLL: (Looking at his watch) Not really, its 20.17 now! (drum beat)

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    MR ICKY: But should she be having a baby after 45?

    DR JEKYLL: No, 45 is more than enough !(drum beat).

    MRS ICKY: (Pointing to his potions) Doctor, Is that something I could take?

    DR JEKYLL: Well erlets see (Hides potion to one side, bri ngs on some lime and coconut)MUSIC: COCONUT-

    MRS ICKY: Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take? I said "Doctor, to relieve this belly ache,"I said "Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take?" I said "Doctor, to relieve this belly ache."

    DR JEKYLL: Now lemme get this straight, You put de lime in de coconut, you drink 'em bot' up,You put de lime in de coconut, you drink 'em bot' up, You put de lime in de coconut, you drink 'embot'up, You put de lime in de coconut, thencall this doctor, wake 'im up,

    MRS ICKY: Doctor, ain't there nothing' I can take? I said, "Doctor, to relieve this belly ache."I said "Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take?' I said, "Doctor, to relieve this belly ache,"

    DR JEKYLL: You put de lime in de coconut, you drink 'em bot' toge dderPut de lime in de coconut and you'll feel better, Put de lime in de coconut, drink 'em bot' up,Put de lime in de coconut and call me in the morning.

    Woo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo.Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo.

    (MR AND MRS ICKY leave left with the coconut drinks)

    JEKYLL: Happy Hour is overnow its time for my drink!(JEKYLL repeats the earlier transformation and becomes MR HYDE).ART - (10/80) TRANSFORMATION ANIMATION (25 SECONDS)/ (11/80) SURGERY)

    FX: TRANSFORMATIONMUSIC.HYDE: Live again. Free. Not trapped in no good do gooder doctor (entranced by the phrase and sings it

    to himself). No good do gooder doctor. No good do gooder doctor . (shakes himself out of it) Must

    destroy things (to booing audience) You shut up! (HYDE lumbers off).

    SCENE SEVEN:ART - SCENE 7 (1) OUTSIDE THE HOSPITAL(OUTSIDE THE HOSPITAL: Smash and Grab are preparing to break and enter).SMASH: Lets smash the window!

    GRAB: And grab the patients goodies!

    (Matron enters, marches over and holds both by the collar). MATRON: So, You are, are you not, the notorious criminals, Smash and Grab?

    SMASH: It depends! Lets ask the audience( to the audience) Is she a goody or a baddy? (Audience

    call out).Thats all right then! Smash and Grab your friendly neighbourhood thieves at your servicemadam.(Matron releases them)MATRON: I know youve been robbing the patients (to audience) and at 50 Dirhams a ticket, were

    robbing the audience. but the hospital is going bankrupt and I need the money. Fifty percentfor me, fifty percent for you.

    GRAB: But thats not fair. We do all the work.

    MATRON: What a far-sighted thief you are.

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    GRAB: Im not far-sighted. My vision is perfect! Twenty Twenty.

    MATRON: Done! Twenty Twenty it is, leaving sixty percent for me. Happy? (As GRAB nods) Excellent.Now, Mr Smash, a word. (Twisting his arm behind his back) I do hope youre being square withme. Someone damaged the blood bank last night. You wouldnt know anything about it, wouldyou?

    SMASH: No, no!

    MATRON: (with increasing violence)Are you sure? Id hate to think you might be considering doublecrossing me in any way. MATRON throws him to the floor. GRAB runs over.

    MATRON: Strange. I wonder who it can be? Get out of here!(SMASH and GRAB run off).

    MATRON: (to Audience) Surprised that I should hire these ruffians? Then youre stupider than you look -if thats possible. I want to run this hospital. I want the power! And lets face it, power is somethingwe have to generate in a place like RAK, isnt it Mums and Dads?

    SCENE EIGHT:ART - SCENE 8 (1) SURGERYJEKYLLS SURGERY(The surgery with books on shelf, desk, stool, changing screen and the Engine . HYDE arrives right).HYDE: Me a knicker knicker! (He holds up a huge pair of bloomers cheekily).(He picks on people in the audience threatening to go down and get kisses.) You ugly. Not as ugly as

    him though. You give Hyde kiss.(Hyde then pulls out JEKYLLs doctors bagand rummages in it. He plays with pens and puts his fingerson his ink pad, he looks at his fingers)

    InkreadableLike Henna on hands!(He puts on a stethoscope and holds up the chest pad and shouts into it. He shudders with pain. Hethen produces a water gun. He threatens the audience with it.)

    Who want little prick? Who want water on brain?(He looks at it, but it only produces bubbles, so he squirts it into the audience laughing. He sees thebooks and runs to them

    ART -S

    CENE 8 (2) BOOK DES

    TRUCTION - ANIMATION.Tearing them off the shelves in frenzy He rips them up. Pages fly everywhere, some flutterdown to the stage).Thats torn it! Me Hyde and seek.(He hides behind changing screen. As MOLLY enters holding a book)

    MOLLY: I wanna be where the people are, I wanna see, wanna see them dancin'Walking around on those - what do you call 'em? Oh - feet! etc

    (She sees the damage, stoops to pick up some pages, and begins to cry).

    MOLLY: Not the books! The teachers at RAKESS have been waiting months for these! Who got theirdirty hands on these?

    (JACQUES enters. MOLLY runs to him and he comforts her. They hug for a minute, then she sees his

    inky fingers and backs away from him horrified. JACQUES is confused).

    MOLLY: (suddenly) You did this!

    JACQUES: I never!

    MOLLY: You have inky fingers!(MOLLY starts hammering him with her fists so JACQUES grabs her wrists. MATRON enters the roomquietly at his point and observes).

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    MOLLY: You deliberately destroyed the only thing in my small miserable life that gave me even a glint ofthe light of pleasure, and all to prove some point about not needing books.

    JACQUES: Molly! Molly! Calm down.

    MOLLY: I hate you. I hate you and I never want to see you again.(MOLLY pulls herself free and runs out of the room).

    JACQUES: (dejectedly) Molly, come back. I didnt do it!

    MATRON: A prank too far, Jacques. Criminal damage! Youll be sent for three more years hard labour inRuwais Mens College, and then deportation!

    JACQUES: Youll ave to catch me first.(JACQUES scarpers. MATRON picks up a torn page).

    MATRON: I can pin this on Jacques and his hopeless mother, Lulu. ( Suddenly thoughtful) But I wonderwho did this? Theres only one person clever enough - me! But Ive got the perfect alibi: I didnt doit.

    (MATRON laughs evilly, and HYDE joins in. MATRON stops but HYDE does not. MATRON addressesthe audience).MATRON: I dont think its that funny.

    (HYDE stands behind MATRON, who senses someone and does a theatrical turn allowing HYDE toremain unseen. He returns to the medical screen).

    MATRON: Is there somebody there?(MATRON looks round and when done , HYDE comes out again. MATRON turns round and for a few

    seconds they are a mirror image of each other as HYDE copies her reactions. She points at himand takes a step forward, then back - then she does a little dance (HYDE replicates all of these) -suddenly claps, and pulls out an orange from a pocket - HYDE pulls outa banana ! )

    MATRON: What are you?

    HYDE: Hyde! You Matron?

    MATRON: (with authority but careful) I am Matron.

    HYDE: You work for Jekyll? Me know Jekyll. Jekyll not know me. He enemy. He trap Hyde.

    MATRON: (interested) You dont like Doctor Jekyll?

    HYDE: Me hate Jekyll. Me free only when Jekyll dead.(HYDE acts like an excited child shouting kill Jekyll)

    MATRON: Perhaps we can be of help to each other. I think youre the one that I want!!!!SONG: YOURE THE ONE THATIWANT.

    HYDE: I got chills,They're multiplyin' and I'm losin' control. 'Cause the power Im supplyin ', it's electrifyin'!

    MATRON: You better shape up ,'cause I need a monster, and my heart is set on you.You better shape up; you better understand, to revenge I must be true.

    HYDE: Nothin' left, nothin' left for me to do.

    BOTH: You're the one that I wan t (you are the one I want), o,o, funnyThe one that I want (you are the one I want want), o,o, o,o, funnyThe one that I want (you are the one I want want), o,o, oooooThe one I need Oh, yes indeed.

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    SCENE NINE:ART - SCENE 3 (1) LAUNDRY ANIMATIONLULUS LAUNDRY(LULU enters, with washing powder boxes, a sack, bucket of foam).

    LULU: You make me wanna shout! I miss gay Parrii so much. They like their rugby there! Before Imet Jaques dad I used to play the field. I used to be a hookerany excuse for a scrum! ThoseFrench make such romantic lovers. I had loads of fan mail and even more male fans. So many

    French letters! Just thinking of my ex husband makes me want to go oui oui.

    (JACQUES runs on).JACQUES: Mama, the cops are after me!

    LULU: Put this on!(She throws him a large dress and wig, which he puts on. SHEERLUCK JONES, WATSON andMATRON arrive).

    SHEERLUCK: I am Sheerluck Jones, the worlds greatest sloth - er, sleuth! I am looking for a man.

    LULU: See if you can get one for me too!

    SHEERLUCK: I am here to apprehend the criminal! The culprit was none other thanIve forgotten.

    MATRON: (Pointing to Lulu) Your son, Jacques.

    SHEERLUCK: My son, Jacques..er, your son, Jacques! Watson, Ou est Jacques et?

    WATSON: Heres your J, J, J, J, Jacket sir!

    MATRON: Where is the wretched boy?

    LULU: I dont know

    JACQUES: (falsetto) Nor do I!

    LULU: This is Jacqueline - mysister.(MATRON goes over to JACQUES and pulls off JACQUESs wig )MATRON: Its Jacques!

    LULU: Jacques - what have you done with my sister? (To audience) He makes such a nice girl too!

    SHEERLUCK: Watson, arrest that womanmanJacques.

    (WATSON throws apicture frame over JACQUES head).JACQUES: Ive been framed! It s not a fair cop!

    SHEERLUCK: So Jacques, the knicker nickers nicked! (holding up the wig, he looks at Identikit pictureof Jacques and then Jacques in the frame). Identikitical! Jacque and Jacqueline, weve caught you bythe short and curlies. Watson, would you like to take down some evidence from this woman, the chiefwitness?

    WATSON: K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K K, K -nickers!

    SHEERLUCK: Jacques Lather, (looking in his French Phrase book) Je Suis arrest you in the name ofJude Law!

    (LULU throws foam all over WATSONs face. JACQUES escapes as WATSON slowly clears his face).

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    SHEERLUCK and WATSON pursue JACQUES off stage.

    MATRON: What is this?(MATRON pulls out a big banknote from the sack on the floor).

    MATRON: A 100 Dirham note! ..Money laundering!

    LULU: You put it there!

    MATRON: So what if I did. Im giving you (she hands LULU the sack) - the sack!

    LULU: You cant!

    MATRON: I can!

    LULU: You wont!

    MATRON: I shall!

    LULU: She has!

    MATRON: Lulu Lather - I want you out of this hospital within the hour!

    SCENE TEN:ART -SCENE 11 (1-30) FOYERTHE HOSPITAL FOYER(LULU is alone dragging loads of bags full of clothes . Crying, she blows her nose on some knickers)LULU: Oh look, Ive wet my pants! Ooh, Im ever so sad, (The audience react) Im sadder than that,

    come on,lets have some symmetry! (Gets a bigger audience reaction) Evicted!. All I want to do is creep out unseen before the hospital opens - so youll let me know ifyou see anyone whilst I try to carry this BAGGAGE to the door, wont you, boys and girls?

    (She drags her case full of clothes round the stage, saying goodbye to people in the audience.HYDE enters for the Behind You routine. They bump into each other. LULU screams with fright, Hydelaughs til he sees her face and then pulls a face of disgust).

    LULU: Who are you?

    HYDE: Hyde.

    LULU: Where?

    HYDE: Here

    LULU: If I hid here, youd see me.

    HYDE: Me Hyde. You next victim.

    LULU: Thats nice. (double take) .Victim Eh? You just try it, Mister! Im a mistress of the Martial Arts,Akido not! I make a great Chop Suey and Im a Ju Jitsu black belt. I f I grab your black belt yourtrousers fall down.

    (He advances on her slowly and they struggle, Lulu coll apses, Hyde wanders off stage).

    JEKYLL: (offstage) I will not let you do it. It is my turn to control you.

    HYDE: Stop itstop it

    (MATRON arrives )MATRON: Hyde! Whats wrong?

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    HYDE: Stop it! Stop it Aarghh!!!

    (MATRON looks on in horror as HYDE runs out contorted. JEKYLL enters in same contortions).

    MATRON: You! You are Hyde.

    JEKYLL: To my eternal shame, yes. My tainted potion makes the evil in a mans heart a real person.Hyde is everything that I abhor - evil, corrupt, murderous.

    MATRON: ..Bold, dynamic, visionary! And you are everything I hate. Hyde is the only creature equal tomy ambition and he can help me achieve it.

    JEKYLL: Never!(JEKYLL runs from the room, MATRON chases after him. LULU wakes up).

    LULU: This place is full of ghosties and ghoulies. I dont want to be grabbed by the ghosties - and Icertainly dont want to be grabbed by the.er..the.er (to man in audience) now come on sir,save the toilet humour for the interval, were nearly there!

    (MR ICKY arrives. A distracted JEKYLL runs on again from the other side).

    JEKYLL: Where is it? Where is it?

    MR ICKY: Doctor, doctor! I think Im deck of cards!

    JEKYLL: Look, Ill deal with you later, so pack up and shuffle off! (agitated) Where is it, where is it?(MR ICKY leaves. MOLLY arrives and runs to JEKYLL.)

    JEKYLL: My Essence Distillation Engine! Its not in my surgery, Ive checked.

    (SHEERLUCK JONES arrives with WATSON).SHEERLUCK: Nobody move! (Everyone ignores him). I said, nobody move! (Everyone ignores him)

    Okay then - everybody move! (Everybody suddenly stands still).

    SHEERLUCK: Thats better - if a little unorthodox. I am Sheerluck Jones, the worlds most gratingdetective - er - greatest detective. I have narrowed the search down for the n otorious Jacques theRipperof book pages, towhere Watson?

    WATSON: Th, th, th, th, this hospital sir.

    MOLLY: But you already knew that.

    SHEERLUCK: (sheepishly) Yes, but its taken time to invent a nickname for him. They like that sort ofthing back at Scotland Yard.

    LULU: Inspector Jones - there has been a murderous attempt on my person.

    SHEERLUCK: Would you care to give a description?

    LULU: (flirtatiously) Ooh Yes, youngish woman (to audience) come on, come on, suspend yourdisbelief for me please! with blue eyes, good sense of humour, interested in camel racing andlaundry, seeks similar for fun and perhaps more. Non -smoker preferred.

    SHEERLUCK: I meant of the attacker!

    (MATRON enters furiously)LULU: Nasty looking Scotswoman, cross woman, cross dresser, unsightly tatooes, knarled hands,

    greasy hair...

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    SHEERLUCK: Watson - arrest that woman (pointing at MATRON) (Watson approaches her but she growls and he runs whimpering behind SHEERLUCK).

    WATSON: Sh, Sh, Sh, Sh, Sh, Sh, Sh, Shes a bi, bi, bi, bit scary. Inspecter.

    SHEERLUCK: I intend to inspect her when youve taken down her dress,I mean address!

    MATRON: It wasnt me, you fool.

    LULU: Thats him - and there he is! (she points at JEKYLL).

    MOLLY: But Doctor Jekyll is heroic and kind.

    LULU: But he changed - from the (mimes nasty HYDE) to the (mimes charming JEKYLL) -but hes still the (mimes nasty HYDE) underneath. It was so frightening, I fainted in my sleep!

    SHEERLUCK: The only criminal in this hospital is your son Jacques! Watson, make a note - attemptedmatricide!

    LULU: He was nowhere near my bed! (drum beat)(to audience) I dont sleep well though boys and girls, Last night I dreamed I ate a ten -pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

    JEKYLL: (delirious) Must find it. Where is it?

    SHEERLUCK: Whats wrong with him?

    MOLLY: He thinks the Essence Distillation Engine has been stolen.

    SHEERLUCK: Gone! Go on! What will that mean to my Career as the worlds greatest detective?(The Distillation Engine moves across the stage as JACQUES uses it to hide behind. WATSON havin gseen it, tugs at Jones sleeve).

    WATSON: Its b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,behind you

    SHEERLUCK: No Watson, Ive got a future, with Jacques le Ripper on the streets Im going up to ChiefInspector in no time!

    WATSON Its b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b, b,(pleading with the audience to help)

    SHEERLUCK: Oh, I see! Good job Watson!(They all watch it move slowly across the stage - SHEERLUCK pulls out JACQUES).

    MOLLY: Jacques!

    LULU: Jacques!

    MATRON: Jacques!

    SHEERLUCK: Name please!

    MATRON: Its the boy youre looking for!

    SHEERLUCK: Are you sure?

    MATRON: You really dont know Jacques, do you?(SHEERLUCK handcuffs himself to JACQUES. Jacques somehow makes out that Sheerluck is his

    prisoner.)

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    ACT TWO.SCENE TWELVE:OPENINGMUSIC IPUTA SPELL ONYOU (For duration of animation)ART -SCENE 12 a (then 2 - 2234) FROM CURTAIN RISE TO CITY SCENE - ANIMATION(about 2 minutes to get people settled down)then action begins

    JAIL:(Elvis in Cell, Smash and Grab guarding cell, MATRON and HYDE to side) ART -SCENE 12 b (1- 2050) DUNGEON - ANIMATIONSONG: JAILHOUSEROCK .

    ELVIS:The warden threw a party in the county jailThe prison band was there and they began to wailThe band was jumpin' and the joint began to swingYou should've heard those knocked out jai lbirds sing(CAST on stage, jiving): Let's rockEverybody, let's rockEverybody in the whole cell blockWas dancin' to the Jailhouse Rock

    (Sings until stuffed)Spider Murphy played the tenor saxophoneLittle Joe was blowin' on the slide tromboneThe drummer boy from Illinois went crash, boom, bangThe whole rhythm section was a purple gang

    (ELVIS is shut away, but continues singing as MATRON stuffs a hamburgerin his mouth and he stopsand eats hamburger) Im lovin it! (Sings) Big Macs tender, Big Macs true.

    MATRON: Elvis has left the building! (FXRINGINGSOUND)O-Oh, Elvis againits his cell phone!(drum beat)

    ELVIS: (from inside cell) Im all shook up! Dont leave me in this cell with George Michael!

    MATRON: But! But!

    ELVIS: Please Matron no buts! Im a red -blooded American .Lindsay Lohannow wheres her cellmate? (Elvis slips away, JEKYLL slips into cell)

    MATRON: Weve contacted GETH to get her home, but that womans beyond the pale!

    HYDE: (To Jekyll) Jail house Doc! You want out of cell yet?

    JEKYLL: Ive told you already, I wont build you an Essence Distillation Engine.

    HYDE: Do what me say, or do you want two way stretch on the Jailhouse rack!

    JEKYLL: And how long is that going to be?

    HYDE: About another six inches!

    JEKYLL: (Sounding interested) And what exactly are you stretching?

    MATRON: I assure you, youve got nothing to Hyde! But then as you get longer, so will Hyde!

    JEKYLL: He is no longer me!

    MATRON: Au contraire! Meet your bitte r half!

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    HYDE: Me need your machine to make potion. To make army of Hydes and rule world.By tomorrow orelse. (HYDE holds up a calendar with a date ringed). Me leave you this calendar here. (he puts it on floor next to the cell)

    JEKYLL: Why?

    HYDE: (points at prison and calendar in turn) Its your cell-by-date. (drum beat) Me will catch the girl andyou will make machine. Or the girl will get.broken.

    (HYDE walks off laughing, MATRON follows: SMASH & GRAB on right stand guard).

    GRAB: I dont like this, Smash! Im scared!.

    SMASH: We do as were told - shut up and guard.

    (EnterMolly, singing)MOLLY: I want the key to the doornever been 21 before!

    SMASH: (pushing in front of GRAB, trying to impress) Are you really 21 today?

    MOLLY: Yes I am, and I want my freedom!

    SMASH: I have the key to your freedom!

    MOLLY: WellWhat do you know! (Holding her hand out)

    SMASH: I know noooooothingI go to RAKESS.

    GRAB: (pushing in front of SMASH) So do I..I mean neither do I. (Giving herthe key)

    MOLLY: Gentlemen, take me to the Doctor!

    (SMASH and GRAB congratulating themselves, take MOLLY in. Moments later JEKYLL and MOLLYexit). FX: TWO HITS WITHAMETAL BAR

    JEKYLL: I loved that one about two men walking into a bar! (drum beat)

    OFFSTAGE: You would have thought the second would have seen it!

    JEKYLL: They were a couple of good gags Molly!

    MOLLY: Yes Doctor, I used Lulus old bloomers to silence them. That should keep them quiet for a while!(JEKYLL and MOLLY run off).

    SCENE THIRTEEN:ART -SCENE 13 (1) POLICE STATION (no animations in this scene)THE POLICE STATION

    (SHEERLUCK is sitting behind a desk. LULU arrives in a voluminous dress and huge hat. WATSON is inthe background).

    LULU: (stage whisper) You make me wanna shout! (the audience react. LULU is delighted and thenshushes them).Oh I love that 60s musicI know, some people say Im into my sixties sodont you start! I really like that Elvis! I bought a train ticket to France last summer, and the ticketseller said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Elvis Presley! ( drum beat) This iswhere my son is locked up - and I want to get him out. (She weeps) Im sonless, jobless,homeless, shiftless, hopeless. (angry) Not like that! (sad again) Im ever so unhappy. (Theaudience react). Dont you patronise me! All I own are the clothes Im standing in (confidentially)and theyre not all mine.

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    SHEERLUCK: Can I help you, madam?

    LULU: I do hope so.

    SHEERLUCK: (trying to see her face) Dont I know you? I never forget a face, (to audience) but in hercase, I'll be glad to make an exception.

    LULU: No, weve never met before in our lives, Inspector Sheerluck Jones! I just had to see you alone.

    SHEERLUCK: Oh, Ill go then! (he starts to walk away)

    LULU: Come back! I want to report a robbery.

    SHEERLUCK: A robbery, eh?

    LULU: Yes. Youve stolen my heart. And now I want you to rob me of my.

    WATSON: V,V,V,V,V,V, Vitue?(LULU throws herself at Sheerluck)

    LULU: You know, Ive got the body of an 18 year old! (To audience) I keep it in a fridge at the Hospital!(drum beat)

    WATSON: I, I, I, I, Inspector!

    SHEERLUCK: Id rather not!Now Madam, Granada 2 is a respectable Neighbourhood (to audience)unlike Al Hamranow there s a den of iniquity! Full of drunken sailors and goofy golfers, and asfor The Purple Palace, well, Im lost for words. You certainly wouldnt be out of place dressing uplike that in that neighbourhood! So I have to ask you madam, this is a family show, i s anythingworn under that dress?

    LULU: No its all in perfectly sound working order!

    SHEERLUCK: Madam!

    LULU: I am not a madam! (To audience) Although I do believe women should be obscene and notheard! (To SHEERLUCK) I am the Abyss of Abu Dhabi.

    (SHEERLUCK gasps and prostates himself before her).

    LULU: Inspector Id like to dine in your arms tonight - and after that, who knows? Marriage!

    SHEERLUCK: Your ladyship, I cant even afford to give me a ring!

    LULU: Well send me an email then, put it on my Calendar!

    SHEERLUCK: (To audience) Im not worthy, am I?

    LULU: (looking at the audience) Well see what hes worth, wont we ladies and gentlemen? Hes the onewho ought to do timeId say he needs to go down for 5 to 10 at least, and so should the writerfor writing this sauce!

    SHEERLUCK: But are you really the Abyss of Abu Dhabi?

    LULU: You betcha, buster. Im as posh as they come, me! Ive got 10 maidsone for each toenail. Ivegot two big Rolls and an open top Porche

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    SHEERLUCK: (To the audience)Two Rolls and an open top Porche! And Ive only got a little mini withtwo flat tyres..I can see myself rising to the ocassion! But how did your ladyship come to fall forme?

    LULU: As a policeman, you are very arresting!

    WATSON: (Suspicious) In, In, In, In, Inspector!

    LULU: Pray, who are you?

    WATSON: Im his mini mini mini mini -me!

    LULU: Whatson?

    WATSON: Th, th, th, thats right!

    LULU: (To SHEERLUCK) I dont care if you have a son, Ill be wifey number two!(singing) Me and Mrs Jones, we have a thing going on!

    WATSON: Inspector, thats b, b, b, b, b, b, bigamy! Its ag, g, g, g, g, against the law! And you are thelaw!

    LULU: Poleaeeese Watson, Bigamy? .its just big of me to offer!

    SHEERLUCK: This is so sudden. Id like to cook you a romantic dinner by candlelight.

    LULU: Dont you have an oven (drum beat)?

    SHEERLUCK: Would you like a drink?

    LULU: All I want is a cuppa copper coffee made in a proper coppers coffee pot!

    SHEERLUCK: WatsonCould you please get that.

    WATSON: Yes sir, A c, c, c, c, c, c, c, c, c, cup of c, c, c, c, c, c, c, c, c, c, copper c, c, c, c, c, c,..

    SHEERLLUCK: (Impatiently) .WatsonMake it Nescafe! Oh, your Abysmullness - youre gorgeous. Ilike pretty little dresses!I like big ones too!!

    LULU: Oh Inspectme, I mean.er, you are awful.but I like you! .and I always get my man. Now,Inspector, darling, how brave you must be. Just you looking after all those nasty pros and cons inyour cells.

    SHEERLUCK: There are more cons than pros inside at the moment Madam. Watson prefers it when wehave more pros than cons. (Watson nods his head) We had a big round up in Dubai last week.Russian a lot of em, really rushin when they spotted Watson and I! Watson likes meetingthem in bars but seems to prefer banging them up behind bars, dont you Watson?

    WATSON: Yes sir I think thats where they belong!

    SHEERLUCK: It seems to cure his stutter as well. I just shout at them to keep them in line.

    LULU: Oh, youre a gobby bobby! Oh Inspector! Do show me some of the villainous types youreprotecting me from. If you do, your little Abu Dhabi Abyss will give you a big kiss.

    SHEERLUCK: All right then.(SHEERLUCK closes his eyes - and LULU uses a sink plungerto simulate a kiss).FX: BIGSLURPY KISS WITH POP

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    SHEERLUCK: Watson, fetch the prisoners.(WATSON brings on JACQUES. LULU fails to catch JACQUESs attention. Lulu signals, snaps her fingerand waves a flag, etc. LULU in desperation pulls out an aerosol horn and blasts it. Everyone looks ather).

    LULU: Oh, Im so sorry. These fly sprays are so loud! (To audience) Kids, Whats the last thing that goesthrough the mind of a fly as it hits the windscreen of a car? ..Its bottom!..Never mind, ask yourparents about it later! Now, this little bug looks very bad (LULU approaches Jacques and wags

    her finger) You naughty naughty man! I never want to cast eyes on you again.(LULU turns her back on JACQUES and signals h im to climb under her voluminous dress, which hedoes. SHEERLUCK does not notice. LULU awkwardly starts to leave).

    SHEERLUCK: (hurt) Your Abyssmalness, where are you going?

    LULU: Im just off to powder my nose, Ill be back in two ticks and we can talk about the wedding. Im allshook up, that young ruffian has made me feel quite faint. Now dont go off the boil, saucepot!

    (LULU and the concealed JACQUES leave hurriedly).

    SHEERLUCK: You know what Watson, she was a real lady!

    WATSON (rolls his eyes, to audience). Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, she was a f, f, f, f, f, fat sl, sl, sl ,sl sl, sl, sl,sl..(Carries on as they walk off)

    SCENE FOURTEEN:ART -SCENE 14a (1- 370) HOSPITAL WARD TO HYPNOSIS - ANIMATION- then action begins

    THE HOSPITAL WARD(The hypnotised NURSES & PATIENTS walk on like Zombies in a row. Hiding, MOLLY and JEKYLL lookon in disbelief. HYDE walks in front of them, laughing).HYDE:All hypnotised. Now me will give them potion. Make them into my army.

    MOLLY: (Out of Hydes earshot) Hydes hypnotised everyone! Did you see that, Doctor?

    JEKYLL: Of course I did - Im standing right next to you!

    MOLLY: Hes going to make an evil army.

    JEKYLL: (peeved) Yes, I saw that too!

    JEKYLL: Now, hes only got a limited supply of potion - he must have watered it down! (To audience)Okay, Okay, I cant say that about the Golden Ferret, thats libellous! .That witty anecdotegives me an idea for a nifty an tidote. Come on!

    SONG: THE BIRDY SONG.(JEKYLL mixes the potions up, from bottles, and passes them to MOLLY who passes the antidote to theslaves down the line. As each victim takes a sip, they commence the dance to each round of the BirdySong).

    HYDE: No Go-Go dancing here, this not City Hotel! Why you move when Hyde say no! .Hypnotisedslaves Walk this way! (They continue to act bizarrely as Hyde screams/sings)I said Walk thisway!! (Hyde walks off and the Slaves all move off stage in a similar wa y, hiccuping)

    JEKYLL: He doesnt know theyve taken my antidote! But that is a very strange side effect! Weve got towork at this together Molly! Be careful with this Molly, it seems to make people change theirpersonality (giving MOLLY a phial)

    MOLLY: (Secretly tastes a tiny bit of the potion, shes knocked back and whining) Hmmmm, Oh dearme! I wish I would be a little more free and easy! I hope it works! (more whining)

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    JEKYLL: (To audience) Stop whining...and mulling it over! ...Now that is a mulled whine! And shessober!I think!

    MOLLY: (tasting a little more of it, she gets drunker and she starts singing) Its not the lime and coconut,but Ill drink it all up! .and I know, it isnt rum and coke, but I like it, I like it, yes I do!

    JEKYLL: (Shocked that Molly has had a sip, he snatches it from her and smells it) Molly, you shouldnt bedrinking this stuff, you arent under hypnosis! You may be 21 but its vital ingredient is plonk from

    the 12 Dirham shelf at the local liquor store, it s 10 week old Indian whisky and its 70 percentproof!

    (MOLLY starts to go dizzy and behaves drunkenly).MOLLY: (drunkenly) I may be under the affluence of inkohol, but Ive got proof of my age Doctor, and Ill

    improof with age, if Jacques will let me consent! (To audience) I like Indian booze! Can you giveme some boos? Hyde and Matron get all the boos in this Pantomime, but Im changing too. I wantto let the Djin out the bottle, (Drunkenly approaches the audience) (Sitting down) Oh dear, Imfeeling a little queer! My heartthe thought of Jacques makes it beat so fast. Whats wrongDoctor?

    JEKYLL: (Waiting somewhat impatiently) Molly, the show must go on! (To audience) Actors, when theyturn to booze theyre so dramatic!! (He starts inspecting Molly with his stethoscope while shemoves around him)

    Song: GOODNESSGRACIOUSME

    MOLLY: Oh doctor, I'm in trouble.

    JEKYLL: Well, goodness gracious me.

    MOLLY: For every time a certain man is standing next to me.

    JEKYLL: Mmm?

    MOLLY: A flush comes to my face and my pulse begins to race,

    It goes boom boody-boom boody-boom boody-boomBoody-boom boody-boom boody-boom-boom-boom,

    JEKYLL: Oh!

    MOLLY: Boom boody-boom boody-boom boody-boom

    JEKYLL: Well, goodness gracious me.How often does this happen?When did the trouble start?You see, my stethoscope is bobbingTo the throbbing of your heart.

    MOLLY: What kind of man is he to create this allergy?It goes boom boody-boom boody-boom boody-boomBoody-boom boody-boom boody-boom-boom-boom,

    JEKYLL: Oh!

    MOLLY: Boom boody-boom boody-boom boody-boom

    JEKYLL: Well, goodness gracious me.

    MOLLY: I want my Jacques, and I want him NOW!

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    (MOLLY runs off stage closely followed by JEKYLL)

    (HYDE appears with Zombies still copying his every move, followed by MATRON, SMASH and GRAB)HYDE: I said walk this way, Talk this way!(and all the zombies copy his voice)

    ZOMBIES: Talk this way

    MATRON: Shutttuuuppp! Hyde! Jekyll has escaped with the help of that Molly!

    HYDE: (blows his top) I said ..Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!?

    MATRON: I said Jekyll and Molly have escaped.

    HYDE: Sorry! Could not hear cos me shouting. They ruin experiment. Find them!

    SMASH: (On spotting Molly) Molly!

    GRAB: (On spotting Jekyll) Jekyll!

    JEKYLL: Molly, a single shot wasnt enough, they all need doubles!

    BENNY HILL CHASEMUSIC(JEKYLL gives each Zombie another shot. MOLLY holds onto hers.. MATRON starts to turn into achicken; clucking, scratching the ground, etc. The Zombies flap around confused.ART -SCENE 14B (1 THEN 2) CHASE ANIMATIONSSEQUENCETHENCAST CROSS STAGER TO L(THEN 3 THEN 4)

    THENCAST CROSS STAGE L TOR(THEN 5 THEN 6)THENCAST CROSS STAGE BOTH DIRECTIONS(THEN 7 THEN 8) WITH EXPLOSION (ALL WITH CHASEMUSIC)SMASH and GRAB eventually capture JEKYLL. HYDE confronts JEKYLL whilst clutching a paper andpen.

    HYDE: Me consult my checklist. Jekyll failed, yes. Jekyll captured, yes. Jekyll make new machine, yes?(HYDE slaps JEKYLL round the face but screams in pain himself. He holds a hand up to his own cheekand they both look puzzled).

    MATRON: Buck, Buck. Buck, Buck, Buck! Five bucks for you chickens if you capture her!(MOLLY hesitates - and then holds up her anecdote. HYDE just laughs at her).

    HYDE: Me made by the potion - so me is immune.

    MOLLY: Youve already got a double this is for me! (She knocks it back and dances off singing)Where is Jacques, Where is Jacques, I want you, I want you, take me to the cleaners, take me tothe cleaners, Bing, Bang, Bong, Bing, Bang, Bong.

    (SMASH and GRAB run off after MOLLY. MATRON takes control of JEKYLL an d leads him off followedby Hyde with Zombies in tow)

    SCENE FIFTEEN:ART - SCENE 15 (2 ) OUTSIDE THE HOSPITALOUTSIDE THE HOSPITAL(LULU enters followed by JACQUES).

    JACQUES: Ma mere, why ave we returned to the RAK and Ruin orsepital?

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    LULU: Theres something funny going on here. (To audience) Although maybe they should be the judgeof that!

    (SHEERLUCK with some sweets in his pocket, and WATSON arrive).ART - SCENE 15 (2) PAN DOWN - OUTSIDE THE HOSPITAL

    SHEERLUCK: (to the audience) Afternoon, all .

    WATSON: (Tugs his sleeve and points to the sky) S,S,S, S, S, S, S, sir its m,m,m,m,m,m..evening!

    SHEERLUCK: Evening all! Im looking for my fiance but she seems to have eloped on her own.

    (Mr ICKY runs on)MR ICKY: Inspector Jones Dr Jekyll has gone too far!

    SHEERLUCK: Where did he go?

    MR ICKY: Hes closed the hospital! He was trying to kill me. I told him I was having trouble with mybreathing.

    SHEERLUCK: What did he say?

    MR ICKY: He said I'll soon put a stop to that!. (drum beat)(MR ICKY leaves. SHEERLUCK investigates the doors with his magnifying glass, and spots LULU withsome sweets in her handbag, who to tries to evade his stare. SHEERLUCK recognises her)

    SHEERLUCK: The Abyss of Abu Dhabi! Why didnt you come back to me as promised, my podgypomegranate?

    LULU: I wanted to get us some sweets for this sweet scene. So Inspector, (getting out a Twix bar) howstwix with you?

    SHEERLUCK: Er, bon. Bon! (Getting out a bag of Hersheys) I love Hershe bar none.

    WATSON: (To audience) Yuk!!!! I f,f,f,f, feel s,s,s,s,sick, I w,w,w,w,w,want to thr, thr, thr, throwu,u,u,u(pointing at Lulu)

    LULU: (To Watson) Pick up a Penguin Policeman, you know where to put it! (To Jones)And Im veryfondant of you. (to audience) Well, it takes allsorts.

    SHEERLUCK: Hang on a mint. Youre not just creme eggingme on?

    LULU: Only after eight! How could I deceive a smartie like you. Id like to undo your buttons and runmy chocolate fingers through yourcurly wurlies! (to the audience) Lets just say I want to getinside his snickers!

    SHEERLUCK: Forgive me, your Abscess - duty calls. (Feeling queasy) All that talk of chocolate givesme the runs!

    WATSON: Y,y,y,y,y,y,you n,n,n,need an en,en,en,ene,enem ent, ent, ent

    SHEERLUCK? Enema entry dear Watson? Sounds painful to me! Ill just cut the sweet talk! Wheres theGents?

    (SHEERLUCK kisses her hand and rushes off with WATSON).

    JACQUES: Look!(MOLLY appears and runs to JACQUES).

    MOLLY: Jacques! Thank goodness youre all right. I was so frightened. (to audience) And Im so hungover! And so will you lot be by tomorrow morning!

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    LULU: Ahem! I think you owe us an apology, young lady.

    JACQUES: (embarrassed) Mama, Non, non, non!

    MOLLY: No, shes right. I thought you were just rotten Romeo - but Ive changed. And now I have seen(to audience) and tasted.true evil.

    LULU: Oi! My make up may be a bit smeared but its not that bad!

    MOLLY: Somehow Doctor Jekyll has released an evil version of himself from inside his own body.

    LULU: Hes an enema of the people! It sounds painful! He ought to see a Doctor about that!

    JACQUES: And you mon petit peux, ave you been through ell and igh water?

    MOLLY: Oh Jacques, Ive had it up to h ere (to audience) and it tasted soooo good!The Doctor isbeing forced to build a new Essence Distillation Engine so Hyde can make more potions.

    LULU: Well, he is the Edison of Medicine. I knew it would all go wrong. Hes been a Hippocratic oaf!

    MOLLY: We must rescue the Doctor and all the innocent people in the hospital.

    JACQUES: But ow? Ze orsepitals doors locked. We cannot get into ze rurm?

    MOLLY: The rurm? What is the rurm? Inspector Clouseau isnt investigating this case you know! It s arrrroooom not a rurm!

    LULU: Ah Jacques, just like his father, he never could twist his tongue around those rhotic rs.

    MOLLY: Look , if we are strong if we work together - we could team up. To the Library - I can teach youwhat you need to know there. Together we can defeat Hyde.

    JACQUES: Togezer we can make ze earth move if we can find the hole!

    (They all run off with purpose)

    SCENE SIXTEEN:ART - SCENE 16 (2) PAN DOWN TO HYDES LAIR ANIMATION

    HYDES LAIR

    (HYDEs lair now contains a half built big machine. JEKYLL is working on a component. A bored HYDEwatches over him).

    HYDE: Work faster. Me bored!

    JEKYLL: And Im boring...a big hole! Could you pass me a reticular microflange?

    HYDE: Do it yourself. You prisoner!

    JEKYLL: Do you know the difference between ignorance and apathy?

    HYDE: (deliberately) Me dont know and me dont care.

    JEKYLL: (interested) Hmmm, this machine is beyond your understanding, isnt it? (To audience) Heshould have enrolled on the HCT Mechatronics course, then hed know it all!

    HYDE: Histrionics? me dont know what you mean! Work faster!

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    JEKYLL: (mildly irritated) Stop bothering me and I will.(Quiet moment as JEKYLL works and HYDE gets bored again. He acts like a child, kicking the ground,etc).

    HYDE: Me help?

    JEKYLL: What?

    HYDE: Can me help you? Me be good. Promise!

    JEKYLL: You cant be good. All the good is in me, all the bad in you. That is how we are linked.

    HYDE: (angry) Me not linked to you. We are different. Different.

    JEKYLL: Suit yourself.(JEKYLL resumes his tinkering. He has his right hand inside the machine as it sparks).FX: FZZT!

    JEKYLL and HYDE (together): Ow!(They both shake their right hands as if burnt, rub it, blow on their fingers as they face out to theaudience, not realising they are identical. JEKYLL sees HYDE is hurt).

    JEKYLL: Here. Let me!(JEKYLL takes HYDEs hand tenderly. It is a sweet moment).

    HYDE: (quietly) Thank you.

    (MATRON storms in).MATRON: (sarcastic) What a touching scene. (angry) What is going on here? Buck, buck, buck, dratted

    potion! Next youll give him a peck on the cheek!

    HYDE: (hangdog) Doctor make finger better.

    MATRON: So I see. (points at JEKYLL) Hes our slave. Treat him like one. (to JEKYLL) Get this machine

    working. Buck buck, buck,. rotten potion! (MATRON slaps him on the left cheek)

    JEKYLL and HYDE (together, and holding their left cheeks): Ow!!!

    MATRON: We need that machine in an hour. See to it, Hyde.

    HYDE: (suddenly asserting himself) Me in charge of hospital, me in charge of you. Me trust no -one. Noteven you.

    JEKYLL: I will need that microflange - its in the storeroom

    HYDE: Me go with you so no tricks. Matron! You in charge til me get back.(HYDE escorts JEKYLL off stage).

    SCENE SEVENTEEN:ART - SCENE 17a (2) THE LIBRARYTHE LIBRARY(Library with signs saying Ssshhhh! By order. JACQUES sits at a table other patients sit around)(MOLLY and LULU enter with a pile of books)

    LULU: You make me wanna shout!. (audience respond) .

    LIBRARY USERS: Shhhh!

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    LULU: Sorry!

    JACQUES: Bonjour boys and Girls! (audience respond)

    LIBRARY USERS: Shhhh!

    JACQUES: Sorry!

    MOLLY: Lulu, Jacques is doing so well - and I think, well, I think.

    JACQUES: Mollys trying to tell you we love each other. She cant pluck up ze, ow you say, courage!

    LULU: Well, you tell your old mum about it whilst I sort out these books.(LULU studies the books and hands them to JACQUES during the conversation).

    MOLLY: (To audience) This will give me the Dutch courage I need!..Just one more for the road( ToJacques and Lulu) Its hot in hereIm just gong to get some water! (She wanders of, taking nipsof the antidote).

    JACQUES: Zank heavens I am in lurve! Mol ly is so beautiful - I sink shes an absolute

    LULU: Trollope.

    JACQUES: angel. And shes so clever too. When we first met, she used laugh at my

    LULU: Longfellow.

    JACQUES: ignorance. She used to think I should be

    LULU: Beeton.

    JACQUES: talking to someone else. But now we love each other - so she no longer thinks that all Iwant is lots of

    LULU: Rowling.

    JACQUES: .opportunities to play jokes. Mama, your jokes show you are well read!

    LULU: And your jokes are well blue! (drum beat)..and I can read you like a book Jacques le lad.. IsntMolly just a little too innocent for you?

    LIBRARY USERS: Shhhh!

    LULU: Shhh yourselves!(The Patients get increasingly impatient with their shhoooshes)

    MOLLY: (Appearing drunk again and very flirtatious) Im not so innocent any more!

    LULU: So you did get her into trouble after all!

    JACQUES: Non Mama! I avent laid a and on er. Zis isnt ze Molly I know!

    MOLLY:Prim and proper, the girl whos never been kissed. But Im tired of b eing pure, and not chased.Like something thats seeks its level I want to go to the devil.

    ART - SCENE 17a (3) CITY VIEW(Choreographed routine with Jacques and Molly)

    SONG: IWANNA BE EVIL. (1.50)

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    I wanna be evil, I wanna spit tacksI wanna be evil, and cheat at jacksI wanna be wicked, I wanna tell liesI wanna be mean, and throw mud pies

    I want to wake up in the morningwith that dark brown tasteI want to see some dissipation in my faceI wanna be evil, I wanna be mad

    But more that that I wanna be bad

    I wanna be evil, and trump an ace,Just to see my partner's face.I wanna be nasty, I wanna be cruelI wanna be daring, I wanna shoot pool

    And in the theatreI want to change my seatJust so I can step onEverybody's feet

    I wanna be evil, I wanna hurt fliesI wanna sing songs like the guy who criesI wanna be horrid, I wanna drink boozeAnd whatever I've got I'm eager to lose

    I wanna be evil, little evil meJust as mean and evil as I can be

    (She attempts to kiss Jacques)ART - SCENE 17a (4) CITY FIREWORKS .THEN (5) BACK TO THE LIBRARY

    JACQUES: Oo la la mon cherie MollyWhat appened to modest Molly OLoan?

    LIBRARY USERS: Shhhhhhhh!

    MOLLY: Oh schhhhhhhhhhhhhmolly, melancholy Molly, just give me this dolly the Bolly!

    LULU: (Singing) Good Golly Miss Molly, youve had too much of the Bolly already! Its time you soberedup and kept your hands off my innocent little lad, hes pure as the driven snow, he is!

    LIBRARY USERS: Shhhhhhhh!

    SCENE EIGHTEEN:ART - SCENE 18 (1 PAUSE THEN 2) OUTSIDE HOSPITAL THEN PAN TO FIELDS - ANIMATIONOUTSIDE THE HOSPITAL(LULU, MOLLY and JACQUES walking away on the spot).LULU: You make me wanna shout!. (audience react)

    JACQUES: Merde, is zis some kind of oedipal competition? Bonjour Boys and Girls! (audiencereact)..Come on now, vite, vite!! Now I want this half of the audience to shout my response.

    LULU: No contest! I want this half of the audience to shout my response! (They both try to get a biggerresponse from the audience)

    ART - SCENE 18 (3) DAY TO NIGHT - ANIMATION

    LULU: This ladies for the turning! Lets go home!

    JACQUES: But this is our home!ART - SCENE 18 (4) NIGHT - FAIRIES IN SKY - ANIMATIONLULU: Doh! Well, lets just tu rn around then. (She spins on the spot) Oh, that makes me go all dizzy!

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    MOLLY: I know what you mean, my heads still spinning from the potion!ART - SCENE 18 (5 THEN 6) NIGHT - FAIRIES FLY AWAY-ANIMATIONLULU: You took an anecdote? No wonder you wouldn t stop going on with your stories!ART - SCENE 18 (7) PAN TO HOSPITAL, THEN COAL HOLE - ANIMATION

    MOLLY: Look, we arent on the Guest List so we cant get in! We could go up the coal hole, but thats toosmall for you.

    LULU: Cheek!

    ART - SCENE 18 (105) OUTSIDE THE HOSPITAL(SMASH and GRAB by doors)JACQUES: Zis is my department. Just copy me. I am going to rurn into the rurm.(They stand at one side. JACQUES runs to the door, knocks and runs off the other side of the stage. Thedoors open and SMASH and GRAB come out, theatrically looking around stage front. JACQUES creepsback behind them and goes through the doors).

    SMASH: Who goes there?

    GRAB: Its me

    SMASH: Oh, thats all right then!

    (The whole action is repeated for MOLLY and LULU except they close the door after them, leavingSMASH and GRAB locked out.)SMASH: Who goes there?

    GRAB: Its me again

    SMASH: Oh, thats all right then!

    GRAB: (Looking to the arrival of the Police) Look out, its the wrong arm of the law!(SMASH and GRAB run off. SHEERLUCK and WATSON arrive).

    SHEERLUCK: The hospitals still closed. Someones taken a sicky.theyre always off sick at the

    hospital. Im going to investigate. (He knocks on the door) Knock knock!

    LULU: (off) Whos there?

    SHEERLUCK: Police!

    LULU: (off) Police who?

    SHEERLUCK: Police let us in, or Ill have to get a warrant. (He keeps knocking with his fist). What itneeds is a bell!

    WATSON: Im n,n,n,n, not Isa bel! It needs a b,b,b,b,b,big, big kno,kno,kno,knock,knock..(LULU opens the door while Jones continues to knock, while looking at Watson now on Lulus chest)

    SHEERLUCK: Knockers! (shocked) Ive got to get more abreast of this plot! (he sees what he is doing)The Great Abundance of Abu Dhabi!

    LULU: Caught by the Fuzz again! Ive just got to get this Inspector off my chest! (removes Sheerluckshand and runs off)

    (SHEERLUCK and WATSON chase after her. SMASH and GRAB return and enter the hospital, c losingthe doors behind them. LULU returns - only to find the doors closed. She knocks and hides and SMASHand GRAB come out).

    SMASH: Not again!

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    MATRON: Cursor! That was in downloading you! Youve betrayed your own virtual motherboard, youwireless little mouse! It megahertz me, buck, but youve made a fatal error! Nothing can stop usnow! The hour of my triumph is here . (to JEKYLL) Doctor Jekyll, Buck, Im terminating youremployment - forever. Buck, Buck (to HYDE) Hyde, kill him. Buck, Buck, Buck!

    HYDE: You Buck Chicken, Im the Big Mac now!

    MATRON: Oh yes? Prove it. Kill him, Hyde! (taunting) If you buck, can.

    HYDE: Me can do anything.(HYDE slaps JEKYLL to prove it and yelps with pain and rubs hi s own cheek).

    HYDE: Why does that keep happening?

    JEKYLL: We are still linked. Anything that happens to me happens also to you!

    MATRON: Kill him.

    HYDE: Me cannot. Me cannot.

    MATRON: Then I shall.

    HYDE: But that kill me too.

    MATRON: And what good are you?

    HYDE: Me Hyde. Me am your master!

    MATRON: No longer.

    MATRON slaps HYDE and again both he and JEKYLL rub their faces.

    JEKYLL: (suddenly roused) I cannot let you do this.

    (JEKYLL runs to the Engine and climbs in) .

    MOLLY: Doctor Jekyll. No! (to the others) The machine will kill him

    HYDE: (screaming) No!

    MATRON: You had your chance, ugly.(MATRON shoves HYDE into the machine too.).ART - SCENE 19 (4) MACHINE SECURITY OVERRIDEWHEN OVERRIDE COMPLETE (5) START MACHINE AGAINMATRON: The machine will destroy you both. One pull of this lever and the world is mine.(Suddenly, LULU in her underwear appears with a Tarzan like call).

    LULU: (at MATRON) Me Tarzan. You plain.(MOLLY grabs JACQUESs bag of jokes and angrily launches herself at MATRON).

    MOLLY: Stop it, you horrible woman.(They tussle. MOLLY hits MATRON with a rubber chicken) Take that Mother Goose!

    (She blows a whoopee cushion in her face)MOLLY: Youre just a load of hot, smelly air!

    (She uses the hand buzzerover and over).FX: HAND BUZZEROVERAND OVER

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    Short pause as dust settles. Some real planks collapse at the side of the stage. MOLLY goes to themachine and starts to weep. JACQUES goes over to her).

    JACQUES: Non, Dont cry, Molly.

    MOLLY: Im crying for Doctor Jekyll.

    FX: KNOCKINGLULU: Come in!Not that again!

    MOLLY: (amazed) Its coming from whats left of the Engine.

    LULU: Come out!(A vacant JEKYLL staggers out of the planks. MOLLY runs to him and hugs him).

    JEKYLL: Who are you and where am I?

    MOLLY: Hes lost his memory.

    JEKYLL: Theres a medical word for that - but I cant remember what it is.

    MOLLY: How could he survive?

    JACQUES: I used the manual to put the machine into reverse.

    SHEERLUCK: Where is Hyde?

    MOLLY: Gone forever. The reversed machine combined them, so Jekyll and Hyde are united again.

    LULU: (Chanting) United! United! United!

    JACQUES: Molly, you saved ze day through a practical joke?

    MOLLY: And you saved Doctor Jekylls life through rea ding a book?

    JACQUES: Weve learned from each other. We could carry on learning, if you wanted. Molly.me I aveyour and in marriage mon cherie?

    MOLLY: Oi!(JACQUES stoops to kiss her hand and it proves to be a fake one. MOLLY laughs and they embrac e).

    JACQUES: Now for our oneymoon, where would you like to go my leetle mermaid? Anywhere you want!

    MOLLY: (Singing) I've got gadgets and gizmos a -plenty, I've got whozits and whatzits galoreYou want thingamabobs? I've got twenty! But who cares? No big deal, I want more

    JACQUES: So where shall we go, Paris, City of love? London, City of Culture? Dubai, City of Hope?

    MOLLY: No, I want to see a world with no pollution, a world where penguins can frolic, free from the fearof global warming!

    JACQUES: I know what, you want to go to Iceland!

    MOLLY: But isnt that an English Supermarket?

    JACQUES: Non!

    MOLLY: Isnt that the place that created all this ash in the air? Thats not environmentally friendly?

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    When Memory seems to be missingYou mustnt start moaning or bawlThe medicines here if you listenUnless youve forgotten it all.

    Bring Back, Bring Back, Bring back my memory to me, to meBring Back, Bring Back, Bring back my memory to me.ART - SCENE 19 (10) SONG PULLS OUT, RETURN TO FOYER (Jekyll begins to revi


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