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John R. Williams
Getting Smart About Love, Matching & Marriage
John R. Williams
Love Needs to Be Learned
“Our ability to love requires a period of growth.” Father
John R. Williams
Review: True Love
John R. Williams
What Is True Love?
John R. Williams
Definition & Qualities of True Love
1. Unselfish
2. Unconditional
3. Serving and sacrificial
4. Unique
5. Constant and unchanging
6. Forgiving
7. Moral and principled
Living for the sake of others
John R. Williams
Love Between Men and Women Is Often Not True
Often it is selfish and distorted
Partners hurt each other, their families and God
People believe many questionable ideas about love, sex and marriage
John R. Williams
Questionable Ideas about Love, Matching & Marriage
1. There’s No Reason to Involve My Parents in Finding Someone for Me
2. Dating Experiences Would Better Prepare Me for Marriage
3. Real Love Just Happens to You; You Can’t Really Learn to Love Someone
John R. Williams
John R. Williams
Idea 1:There’s No Reason to Involve My Parents in Finding Someone for Me
Ramon
John R. Williams
Ramon
“Trying to learn to love someone my parents pick out is crazy. Arranged marriage is a weird Asian thing. My parents don’t really understand me, anyway.
“I want to find someone myself and do it the normal way. I’ll know what I want when I see her. If my parents approve, great, but that’s not the main thing.
“There’s no reason to involve my parents in finding someone for me.”
John R. Williams
There’s No Reason to Involve My Parents in Finding Someone for Me?
Related ideas: Arranged marriages
are backward and don’t work
I know what is best for me
Discussion: How might this
make sense? In what ways
does this idea not make sense?
John R. Williams
Good Matches Have Horizontal & Vertical Aspects
Purpose
Friendship
Commitment
Marital Love
Passion
Adapted from Robert Sternberg’s Triangle
Theory of Love
John R. Williams
Unarranged Marriages Begin with the Horizontal
Friends & Lovers
1. Friendship Shared interests
2. Passion Sexual attraction
Purpose
Friendship
Commitment
Marital Love Passion
John R. Williams
Arranged Marriages Begin with the Vertical
Partners in Purpose1. Commitment Good character2. Purpose Shared faith,
values and goalsPurpose
Friendship
Commitment
Marital Love
Passion
More important Basis for lasting respect Less changeable
John R. Williams
It’s Hard to Find Both Sides of a Good Match by Yourself
Many people fail
1. Easy to lose objectivity and get distracted by the horizontal
Appearances, sexual attraction, surface charms
2. Easy to get attached to the wrong person
John R. Williams
Consulting Parents Makes Sense
Parents bring certain benefitsKnow you in ways you may not know yourselfSee the other person more objectivelyUnderstand what qualities lifelong marriage requiresHave a personal interest in success and take the task seriouslyBring God’s support
You Are Still the One Making the Choice and Decision
The result is the same—you own the decision to marry a particular personThe only difference is in how you find partners to considerYou can be highly involved in the screening processDiscussing your views of marriage, potential partners and your preferences is enlightening for both sides
John R. Williams
John R. Williams
10 Advantages of Arranged Marriage I
1. Freedom from pressure to “shop” for a mate
2. Freedom from dating hurts and sexual pressures
3. Can focus on our personal preparation
4. The relationship begins with fewer illusions
5. Marriages tend to be more stable and enduring
6. Love builds more naturally
John R. Williams
Love in Arranged Marriages Surpasses Unarranged Ones
Love in arranged marriages tends to build over time
Love in unarranged marriages tends to decline
Unarranged Marriage
Arranged Marriage
5 Years
10 Years
John R. Williams
10 Advantages of Arranged Marriage II
7. Honors the two families involved
8. Better in-law relations from beginning
9. Helps prevent abusive relationships
10. Can trust in elders’ wisdom during difficulties later
John R. Williams
John R. Williams
Idea 2:Dating Experiences Would Better Prepare Me for Marriage
Gregg
John R. Williams
Gregg
“My parents arranged Merlita for me. She seems like a good person. But I keep wondering about all the other girls out there.
“If I could date different girls, I’d learn more about women and about myself. I’d know more about what kind of girl I like and be more ready to make a commitment.
“Dating experiences would better prepare me for marriage.”
John R. Williams
Dating Experiences Would Better Prepare Me for Marriage?
Related ideas: More experience makes
you grow as a person
It’s better to have lots of experiences before you settle down to marry
Practice makes perfect
Discussion: How might this
make sense? In what ways
does this idea not make sense?
John R. Williams
Dating Sets Up Pressure for Emotional & Physical Involvement
1. Pairing up invites falling in love with each other
You cannot control each other’s responses
2. Emotional involvements are distracting
3. Boy-Girl games are not helpful
4. The longer people date, the more certain they will get physical and lose their purity
John R. Williams
Romantic Involvements with No Future Cause Damage
1. Easy to get hurt and then suspicious and guarded in later relationships
“I fall in love. I get hurt. It’s no fun. What’s the point?” Joshua Harris
2. Damages the whole-hearted bonding power of “first love” intended for our mate
Fear of opening up the heart
John R. Williams
Past Experience Can Harm the Future Marriage
Comparisons of your mate to past partners in artificially appealing dating situations
Selfish “shopping” attitude towards the opposite sex based on externals and how they meet your needs
Habit of ending relationships when unpleasant
John R. Williams
“Practice Makes Perfect” Applies to Spouse Only
Brother and sister-type relationships and friendships are the best preparation for marriage
You only need to learn how to make one partner happy
Comfort and security of commitment is the best circumstance to learn how to love each other
John R. Williams
30John R. Williams
Idea 3:Real Love Just Happens to You; You Can’t Really Learn to Love Someone
Alicia
31John R. Williams
Alicia
“I get the idea of the matching and how you’re supposed to learn to love each other… But it seems so unromantic. And not much fun! I don’t want to suffer like my parents and struggle to learn to just get along. I want to really be in love.“Real love is something that comes over you and another person, and you can’t control it. It’s either there or it it’s not. “Real love just happens to you; you can’t really learn to love someone.”
32
Real Love Is What Happens to You; You Can’t Learn to Love Someone?
Related Ideas With real love, you don’t have
to try Love is either there or it isn’t You can’t control whom you
love Learning to love is too hard Falling in love means you
found the right person
Discussion: How might
this make sense?
In what ways does this idea not make sense?
John R. Williams
33
Falling in Love Is Exciting & Good
Falling in love is exhilarating and beneficial Moves partners to do loving things for each otherMotivates couples to marry and be unafraid of the futureProvides happy experiences to remember laterIt can come suddenly or slowly
34John R. Williams
Strong Couples Are Both Friends & Lovers
1. Couples may start with either one Some begin “warm” as friends, and passionate
“falling in love” comes later Others start “hot” with passion, and gradually
build their friendship
2. Matched couples usually start with friendship
Friendship Marital Love
Passion
35
Starting with Friendship Has Advantages
Not starting “crazy in love” has benefits
1. Partners see and consider each other more clearly
They know and accept each other’s strengths and weaknesses
2. Romance builds on a more solid foundation With more realistic expectations
3. Companionship counts more than passion in daily married life
John R. Williams
36
Learning to Love Does Not Mean Struggling as in Earlier Blessings
Especially with parents’ matching You are expected to develop some
friendship first You should believe you can create passion
too before you commit to engagement Some couples fall madly in love quite soon
John R. Williams
37John R. Williams
Love Can Either Be a Feeling or Decision
Feeling of love or decision to love—which?
1. “I love pizza.”2. “Show love to your little brother even though
you’re mad at him.”3. “I think I love her.”4. “Love your enemies.”5. “I loved him as soon as I saw him.”
All Lasting Relationships Require Sometimes Deciding to Love
With family and friendships
You have feelings of love
But also need to learn how to give love when you don’t feel like it
In marriage The “honeymoon”
period can’t last forever You have to learn to
strengthen friendship and rebuild passion
When it no longer comes easily
John R. Williams 38
39John R. Williams
All Couples Must Decide to Learn to Love I
Passion & RomanceIt usually
starts out strong with passion and romantic feelings
40John R. Williams
All Couples Must Decide to Learn
to Love IPassion & Romance
Conflict
Initial “in love” feelings naturally fade, and the partners’ many real differences come out Tensions build
41John R. Williams
All Couples Must Decide to Learn to Love II
Passion & Romance
Conflict
• Escape• Co-Exist
Some partners give up: Escape the marriage Or live together with no expectations of closeness
42John R. Williams
All Couples Must Decide to Learn to Love III
Passionate Friendship
Passion & Romance
Commitment to Learn to Love
All successful couples decide to learn how to create true love with each other
Conflict
43John R. Williams
Falling in Love Is Not Completely Outside Our Control
1. Love as a feeling and attraction cannot be completely controlled
2. But we can choose attitudes and actions that either invite or discourage feelings of love
To invite warm feelings with those we want To discourage such feelings towards those
we do not This is an essential skill in marriage
Under What Conditions Might You Start “Falling in Love” with Someone?
It is somewhat mysterious but it also somewhat predictable
44
45
Factors Involved withHow We Fall in Love I
1. They get your attention—attract or annoy2. They are kind, caring 3. They seem trustworthy and safe4. They meet your other emotional needs,
especially unconscious ones5. Sharing interests, fun and positive
experiences6. Going through hardships together
46
Factors Involved withHow We Fall in Love II
7. Being around each other, sharing same history
8. Sharing personal concerns, being listened to and empathized with
9. Through touch and physical affection
10. Achieving something together
11. Respecting, admiring them, and sharing important values in common
47John R. Williams
Science Confirms We Can Learn to Love Our Mate
Arranged marriages are being studied as successful alternative to the current failed model of dating and mating
Research shows that certain attitudes and practices make for success in marriage
Note for Presentation
(Can show “Arranged Marriage Song” music video from YouTube as warm up)
Show “Arranged Marriages Part 2” from YouTube.com at the end of topic 1
Show “Real Deal” chapter 4 DVD at the end of topic 3