Joy in the Journey By Steve Hayner and Sharol Hayner - EXCERPT

8/9/2019 Joy in the Journey By Steve Hayner and Sharol Hayner - EXCERPT

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Scripture quotations, unless otherwise noted, are from the New Revised Standard Version of theBible, copyright by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of theChurches of Christ in the USA. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Te posts by Steve and Sharol Hayner were rst published on CaringBridge.org.

Te posts by Emilie Wagner were rst published on www.mybigjesus.com.

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Library o Congress Cataloging-in-Publication DataHayner, Stephen A.

Joy in the journey : nding abundance in the shadow of death / Steve and SharolHayner ; forewords by Mark Labberton and Alex Gee.

pages cmIncludes bibliographical references and index.ISBN - - - - (cloth : alk. paper)

. Hayner, Stephen A. . Pancreas—Cancer—Patients—Religious life. . Pancreas—Cancer— reatment. . Death—Religious aspects—Christianity. I. itle.

BV . .H . ’ —dc

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Contents

Foreword by Mark Labberton Foreword by Alex Gee Preface Sharol May Waiting Steve May God’s ime Steve

May Plan B Steve May Fiery Furnace Sharol May Te Way o rust Steve May Warrior Steve May Carried Sharol May Overwhelmed Sharol May Cancer and Calling Steve May My Feeble Cry Sharol May Grace Lessons Steve May Sunshine. Family. Food Steve May Friendship Steve

May New Li e Steve May Te Day Be ore Chemo Steve May On the Eve o Chemo Sharol May We Made It! Sharol May Rough Day Sharol May A New Morning Sharol




June Space or Questions Steve June Relearning rust Sharol June Bullet-Point Days Steve June Everything Which Is Yes Steve June Days o Hope Sharol June Allowing Grace to Flow Steve June Te Gif o Being Remembered Steve June Welcoming Versus Seizing Steve June raveling Mercies Sharol June A Quieter Heart Steve July Unexpected Gifs Steve July Hunting or Pearls Sharol July Healing in the Quiet Steve

July Praying or Healing Steve July How God Answers Prayer Steve July Walking ogether Sharol July Tinking About the Future Steve July Feasting in the Valley Sharol August Receiving Sharol August Feeling the Ripples Steve August Daily Routine Steve August Te Work o Heaven Steve August What Were You Expecting? Steve August Te Power o Remembering Sharol




September Depression Steve September Te Good Work o God Steve September Season o Suffering Sharol September Do Not Resuscitate Emilie Wagner September Eternal Li e Steve September What I Can Choose Steve October Making the Most o the Ups and Downs

SteveOctober Preparing or the Rest o Li e Sharol October Awkward Conversations Steve October Facing Fears Steve October Grace Comes Sharol October When You Can’t Plan omorrow Steve

November Let Me Get Home Be ore Dark Steve November Continuing the Journey o Faith SteveNovember Grace Notes Sharol November Am I Wasting My ime? Steve December More Waiting Steve December Living in Light o Eternity Steve December I’m ired o Not Feeling Well Steve December All Kinds o Miracles Sharol December Hopes and Fears o All the Years

Emilie Wagner December My Last Christmas Steve




January New Year, Last Chapter Steve January Caregiving Sharol January What ime Is It? Sharol January It’s Not About Doing It Right Sharol January Fullness o Joy Sharol February Joy . . . Fully Sharol February Te Ministry o “Being With”

Emilie Wagner February Such Strange Sorrow Sharol February Grie , Gratitude and Joy Sharol Epilogue: Journeying to Final Joy God with Us: A Confession of Faith Acknowledgments

Notes Sidebar Contributors




Foreword

Joy for Life and Death

Mark Labberton

I was eighteen and Steve was twenty-three when we rst met.He was home rom graduate study in Semitics and Near Easternstudies at Harvard, having graduated rom Whitman College ayear be ore I arrived on campus. Christian aith or me had justbecome a new category o li e a ew months be ore this. Stevewas a teacher or our campus ellowship January term, and orone week he taught through the book o Genesis. It was in everyway an experience o being “in the beginning.”

Since that time, Steve has been my primary bellwether overthe past orty-three years. Our two lives have un olded in anuncoordinated tandem: college ministries, pastoral ministries,Presbyterian ordination, British PhDs, parachurch leadership,seminary aculty positions and then leadership o our respectiveseminaries (Steve at Columbia Teological Seminary, and I atFuller Teological Seminary). We shared passions, work andcommitments, as well as interests and convictions.

But my riendship with Steve was not about shared circum-stances but li eblood. I can hardly think o a signicant expe-rience, relationship or decision over all these years that we didn’tshare. Tis was made even more amazing to us both in that over




these orty-three years we only lived in the same place or lessthan two o them.

Te combination o the depth and the range o Steve’sriendship over time was so much a part o the treasure o ourrelationship. He was a polymath, and there seemed no limit tothe range and diversity o topics or issues, emotions or ideas,experiences or relationships that we could share and explore.

His buoyancy and enthusiasm reminded me o igger, whilehis thought ulness and scholarship evoked Erasmus. Bounding

enthusiasm and generous encouragement were his daily modeso engagement.

R O O M T O B R E A T H E

Steve gave us an exceptionally important taste o God’s grace. Itis partly captured or me in Psalm : - :

I hate all this silly religion,but you, G , I trust.

I’m leaping and singing in the circle of your love; you saw my pain, you disarmed my tormentors,

You didn’t leave me in their clutchesbut gave me room to breathe. (Te Message)

Steve Hayner helped those he touched nd room to breathe. Forthose o us with emotional, intellectual or religious claustro-phobia, this was what we needed most rom our pastor, mentor,teacher and riend: help nding the broad and open place oGod’s grace in which we could deeply and truly breathe.

Five years older than me, just enough to be ahead as an elder




brother, Steve never pressed me toward anything except this:nding my li e and vocation, my reedom and joy, in ollowing

Jesus. Tis was the place to breathe, and it was Steve’s greattheme. It was both as simple and as comprehensive as that. Asteacher, pastor, riend, example, encourager, mentor and con-

essor, he led me toward a more aith ul li e, toward dailybreathing in and out the love and mercy o God.

He was a deep-hearted but light-handed mentor. No part omy li e was untouched by Steve’s inuence, yet no part was ever

coerced. He did not corral people as a leader or shepherd, butrather invited us into God’s abundant aith ulness. Steve movedrom being my personal Bible encyclopedia to being a ellow

traveler in the long, unexpected journey o aith. His relentlesswillingness to pay attention, to stay engaged in riendship, con- versation, spiritual reection and personal growth—these wereall key traits or the many whom he loved and served. Li e was

never too complicated, or too broken or too earsome, or Steveto offer in Jesus’ name the room to breathe in the grace o Godmore deeply.

All o this is what Steve brought to his various leadership roles.Tis had been apparent throughout his early li e, but by the timehe was ordained a Presbyterian pastor and serving at UniversityPresbyterian Church in Seattle, it was plain to all. His role was

associate pastor or university ministries, and within a shorttime a ew dozen students had become several hundred and thennearly a thousand. It was a social and spiritual phenomenon tosee hundreds o students, principally rom the University oWashington, descend on UPC at ten o’clock every uesday night

or a communion service. Tis was not a service with balloons,skits or magic tricks. Steve just pointed students to Jesus Christ




in all aspects o li e, and or many it was the very air they neededand the li e they sought.

When Steve became vice president or student affairs at Se-attle Pacic University, it was a surprising move to a more ad-ministrative role, but one he carried out with all the instincts andcompassion o a pastor. It extended and enlarged his com-mitment to university students, now expressed rom inside aChristian university. It was always at center about the people,and he relentlessly pursued that purpose during his SPU years.

He offered more broad space or more people—administrators,aculty, staff and students alike.InterVarsity Christian Fellowship had been passing through

a very difficult season o leadership transition when Steve wastapped to become the next president. It was a wounded, divided,anxious movement and needed a leader o courage, transparency,community and trust. Steve was that. It was a challenging period

in which Steve’s gracious, nonanxious presence, teaching, acces-sibility and love gradually made a signicant difference. By thetime that thirteen-year season in Madison, Wisconsin, was over,InterVarsity Christian Fellowship was in a ar healthier place andon a trajectory toward ever deeper trans ormation. Tis hasbeen especially evident in its commitment to multiethnic min-istries, the discovery o that broad place o grace in which men

and women o every ethnicity get to live and breathe the graceo God in light o , and not despite, their backgrounds and lives.

When Steve elt his time at IVCF was at an end, he steppedinto a short two-year season o transition as an associate pastorat both High Point Community Church and Fountain o Li eCovenant Church, both in Madison. Both were wonder ul pas-toral settings. Te multiethnic themes and practices that had




become so important during Steve’s days with IVCF only con-tinued and deepened through his riendship and partnership

with Alex Gee at Fountain o Li e.All along, Steve had been committed to and involved withtheological education. In his many years as an adjunct pro essorand board member or Fuller Teological Seminary, he con-tributed academic knowledge, pastoral insight and global vision.

aken all together, this is what made his move to ColumbiaTeological Seminary seem so natural or him. It could only be

imagined that rom Columbia’s point o view, the hiring o theormer president o IVCF may not have seemed natural or ob- vious. But rom the start, Steve loved the aculty, the leadership,the board and the students o Columbia. With enthusiasm hesought to learn what he did not know, he savored those he met,he plunged into new courses. When he became president, itseemed like yet another unsought recognition o his gifs and

abilities, and the joy he elt over the talent and diversity o peoplewho became part o Columbia during these recent years (in sig-nicant partnership with Deb Mullen) was deeply grati ying tohim and a source o great joy or Steve, and or Sharol as well.

During these same years he continued his contributions toWorld Vision, where he served on the board and elt with passionthe need to care or the poor, especially children. Meanwhile,

Steve was also serving as board member and chair or Interna-tional Justice Mission. He did so in a ervent and passionate way,articulately leading the IJM board or a ministry making a sin-gular response to those who are victims o violent oppression inplaces all around the world. Tis was a compelling mission, andSteve’s acilitation o the board used his gifs and extended hisheart that much urther. He did it seamlessly and thought ully.




He wanted others served by World Vision and by IJM to havethe room to breathe ully human lives, made in the image o God.

A D V A N C E D C O U R S E W O R K I N J O Y

For Steve, joy is that wide place o God’s grace—that sees theworld in great need, rescues us when we are caught, even caughtby death, and invites us in all times and places to live in theplace o grace where we can breathe. Tis explains why joy wasthe primary word in Steve’s li e. God’s love is never scarce. God’s

capacity to meet us in our pain or sorrow, our con usion or sin,is best seen and experienced when we seek the One whose loveis “abundantly ar more than all we can ask or imagine” (Ephe-sians : ). Joy is li e set in that reality. Nothing is excluded—including suffering and even death—and all is being remade.

Steve was an embodiment o an extravagant grace, gracewithin and beyond him. Tis was evident rom when I rst met

him in my reshman dorm until I sat by his deathbed. He hadgreat capacities intellectually and emotionally, organizationallyand administratively. Tese would be goals or many, but orSteve they were incidental to the call to be with and or people.

Since his terminal diagnosis o pancreatic cancer duringEaster week , Steve’s last nine months were like an advancedcourse in living and dying in aith, a story o honesty and hope.As he said, he had been training or this season his whole li e, soperhaps it is no wonder that Steve did so well in the class! Hewould say it was simply a story o God’s grace.

In the New estament witness to the resurrection, it has alwaysbeen ascinating to me that the principal evidence and meaningis borne in the stories o people who encounter the risen Christ.




Our Lord is risen, and it shows in the lives and witness o thewomen at the empty tomb. Peter is changed by his encounter with

Jesus, who asks probing questions and offers healing assuranceollowing the cross and resurrection. Despondent disciples onthe road to Emmaus meet Jesus in the breaking o the bread andrecognize him in their burning hearts. Paul, who was bent onstopping the whole Jesus project, is stopped in his tracks andgiven a new li e. Tose touched by the resurrection o Jesus canbreathe anew and a resh o a li e beyond themselves, or their

ailings or sin, or their suffering and loss—beyond even death.In Jesus’ name, Steve gave us room to breathe. He gave us joyin the midst o wrestling and questioning and seeking andhurting and hoping because he was living a resurrection li e. Hewas not a nervous Christian. His only com ort in li e and indeath was that he belonged body and soul, in li e and in death,not to himsel , but to his aith ul Savior, Jesus Christ.

His—and Sharol’s—pro ound witness to us all in these lastmonths, and captured in what will ollow here, was not a tale opeople straining to nd an absent God, but o lives largely reeo entitlement or presumption, o people with grate ul heartslled by God’s resurrection li e and set ree or the honest ad-

venture o hearing and ollowing the call to ollow Jesus and, inthe midst o all else, to nd li e even in death.

Te hope o the resurrection was Steve’s li e. It is the broadspace to breathe in li e and in death; it is the place to love andaffirm, to encourage and to persevere; it is the place to take upour cross or the joy set be ore us. It is this living, breathing li ethat holds all human sorrows and injustices and alone will makeall things right. Steve’s resurrected li e was just in line with theNew estament witnesses.








Steve May

HEAL H UPDA E: During Easter weekend I began to eel outo sorts and experienced some unusual symptoms. On Mondaymorning, April , I went to the doctor, who did tests and madea preliminary diagnosis that I was having gall bladder issues. Hesent me or an ultrasound, which turned out to be negative orgallstones, and then a C scan, which revealed a small mass onthe head o my pancreas. On Wednesday I was able to get in tosee a wonder ul surgeon at Emory who was percent certainthat I had a malignant tumor. Because o the location, the tumorwas blocking the bile duct and causing me to become jaundiced,but it is also operable. We decided I would have a Whipple pro-cedure, which is a complex but effective surgery. Tat surgery isnow scheduled or uesday, May .

W A I T I N G

Now that it is May, the surgery day eels a lot closer at hand. Idon’t eel very well. Te jaundice makes me tired, and I have a

variety o abdominal pains. I also look like I’ve been using a badbronzing product—just a little too yellow to be attractive. Tehardest part is that I have no appetite, can’t eat animal ats, and

am continuing to lose weight. I’m lighter now than at any timesince I was in junior high.Te doctors and hospital staff at Emory could not be more

help ul. From the “Patient’s Surgery Guide” to the pre-opphysical and “ ast-track” admissions process, all has gone verysmoothly indeed.

We have been overwhelmed by the number o people who




have written emails, cards and letters indicating that they arepraying. It is humbling, and it brings great joy.

We continue to take one day at a time. I’m not really worried.Over the years I have done what I can to take care o my health,and I am actually in exceptional health or a sixty-ve-year-old.So now by God’s grace I enter the next chapter o the journeyover which I have very little control. Medically I’m in greathands. And God is good!

Steve May

HEAL H UPDA E: oday I was scheduled or a small biopsy,which my surgeon really wants be ore the surgery itsel . We gotto Emory Hospital and were all ready to go. But un ortunately,as sometimes happens, another very complex surgery was oc-cupying the operating room with the MRI, and it lasted severalhours longer than expected. So, my biopsy is now rescheduled

or uesday—and my surgical date will be postponed too.

G O D ’ S T I M E

Sharol and I continue to be relaxed.We’re on God’s timetable in this—clearly not ours. We con-

tinue to be carried along and sustained by the Spirit and the loveand prayers o our amazing riends.




Steve May

HEAL H UPDA E: Yesterday I had a pre-op biopsy because mydoctor saw a couple o very small lesions ( mm) on my liver inan MRI. As it turns out, these are also cancer, which means thatthe surgery is now “off the table” as an option. We now will movetoward what I am calling medical plan B. omorrow I will havean ERCP along with the insertion o a bile duct stent so that mydigestive system can get working again. Afer that we will decideon the chemotherapy protocol that will be used to treat the cancer.

P L A N B

Honestly, the hardest part o this is not the seeming setback, butrather the delay in starting some sort o treatment that will beginto relieve the increasing symptoms o the jaundice. My energy is

very low. I continue to lose weight. And I just plain eel sick mosto the time.

I’m sorry that I cannot respond to each o the incredible cards,emails and texts that continue to pour in. We eel so loved.

Sharol May

F I E R Y F U R N A C E

Hope ully this procedure tomorrow will bring back some qualityo li e be ore we consider next steps.

Tank you or the many prayers and expressions o love. Weare overwhelmed, humbled and thank ul.

We are denitely in the ery urnace rom Daniel , but weare not alone. God’s presence is very evident.




Steve May

T H E WA Y O F T R U S T

We returned a little while ago rom my latest procedure (ERCP).Hope ully this will take care o the jaundice and people won’t callme “Sunshine” anymore. I’ve been wearing a lot o yellow re-cently so as not to call attention to my current skin tone.

So now we will wait a ew days to see i my appetite comesback and I can begin to gain back a ew pounds and a littlestrength. Te next stage will be a meeting with the medical on-cologist to begin discussing treatment options. Reading aboutmetastatic pancreatic cancer can be pretty scary, but we continueto be calm and are taking one day at a time.

Tere are never any guarantees in this li e, and this is a chanceto take Jesus’ words to heart: “And can any o you by worryingadd a single hour to your span o li e?” (Matthew : ).

We’ll choose the way o trust and joy instead.

Steve May

HEAL H UPDA E: I have lost i teen pounds in the lastthree weeks. I’m mostly in the mode o trying to manage

symptoms, trying to eat when I can and trying to gain back alittle weight.

W A R R I O R

Several decades ago in Seattle, we sang a wonder ul song called“Victorious Warrior,” based on Zephaniah : :




Te L your God is in your midst,

A victorious warrior.He will exult over you with joy,

He will be quiet in His love,He will rejoice over you with

shouts of joy. ( )

For some reason, this littlechorus has been runningthrough my head or the lastseveral days and has served asan encouragement to me.

We are incredibly grate ulor the prayers and well wishes

o so many riends rom the various circles and timelines oour lives. Every day I eel theprivilege o it all.

Sharol May

HEAL H UPDA E: On May Steve and I will meet or the rsttime with the oncologist at Emory to talk about next steps inSteve’s treatment as well as how to control some o the cancersymptoms he is experiencing. We are eager to take this next stepand gure out what might be ahead or us in the coming weeksand months.

This just sucks. . . . I hate this ordeal

for you. I’m stomping my feet and

wish with all my heart that youweren’t having to experience any

of this and could just have kept on

doing the fabulous things you were

doing without jaundice and medi-

cal procedures. I’ve shared these

thoughts with the Great Physician

in whose loving hands your care iskept so your Medical Staff is well-

informed. . . . My prayers join the

chorus of prayers confidently lift-

ing you up to heaven’s mercy and

healing. . . . Let the love and prayers

wash over you and bear you up. I

give thanks to God that you havebeen and are God’s agents in bring-

ing community into being.

SUE WESTALL




C A R R I E D

We continue to be carried through this somewhat surreal expe-

rience. Mostly I am in awe and very thank ul or the gifs oriendship and encouragement.I’ve always had music in my head, and it is now there more

than ever. oday I’m singing over and over in my mind a songcalled “Still” by Hillsong: “Find rest my soul in Christ alone.”

Steve has good days and bad days, sometimes with enoughenergy to walk a block and sometimes not. Sometimes he can

eat and sometimes not. oday is ending better than it began.In the meantime, I’m trying to attend some o the many May

programs and recitals o our granddaughters. It’s good to re-member what normal li e eels like. And we anticipate a newgrandson in Nashville in the next two weeks. Li e goes on.

Paul’s words in Corinthians : - come to mind ofen.Coming out o a desperate situation, he writes,

Indeed, we elt that we had received the sentence odeath so that we would rely not on ourselves but on Godwho raises the dead. He who rescued us rom so deadlya peril will continue to rescue us; on him we have set ourhope that he will rescue us again, as you also join inhelping us by your prayers, so that many will give thankson our behal or the blessing granted us through theprayers o many.

May it be so.




Sharol May

HEAL H UPDA E: Steve will start a chemo protocol called Fol-rinox on May . Afer a port is implanted next week, he willreceive two o the meds every two weeks at the in usion centerand then will wear a pump or orty-eight hours with the thirddrug. Tis is the most rigorous and potentially toxic regimen,but the doctor eels that Steve will do well with it.

O V E R W H E L M E D

Tis all eels very overwhelming to me. I have to keep remembering:

• One step at a time.

• One day at a time.

• God will be aith ul to hold us and carry us no matter whathappens.

Te level o change in our lives keeps rising, but again, I don’thave to embrace it all at once. But I do wish there were an easierx! “Not my will but yours be done” (Luke : ).

Steve May

HEAL H UPDA E: We spent almost our hours (including labsand waiting) with various members o the medical oncologyteam who are now joining the company o companions or thenext phase o our journey. Te team at Winship Cancer Instituteat Emory is multi aceted and amazing—and they are obviously

unctioning well as a team.




C A N C E R A N D C A L L I N G

oday is the rst ull day o the next chapter in our journey.

We received loads o in ormation, we had a chance to discussnot only the treatment options but also our goals and values, andwe learned how we would be accessing all o the resourcesavailable as we take each step. Sharol and our riend Mary BanksKnechle (a trained parish nurse and patient advocate) listened,took notes and asked abulous questions along the way. I workedto absorb as much in ormation as possible.

Never once did I eel like just a project or a case.In the end the day was enormously encouraging to me, and I

came home eeling empowered. My response was quite differentrom Sharol’s, but we both know that this will requently be the

case in this journey. While we share many o the same circum-stances and values, we don’t share the same internal or externalchallenges.

An important part o this period is learning to love each otherthe way each o us needs to be loved—and giving each otherspace to do the work we need to do individually.

Te medical team will work with me to minimize the long listo potential side effects, though I expect that I will have somedays ahead when I will have some real physical challenges.

What many want to know is the prognosis. Will this work?Can they cure this cancer? Tese are not my questions.

All li e on planet earth is terminal, and while we can certainlycontribute to our own well-being in amazing ways, none o us isultimately in control. One day, my li e will be swallowed up byLi e. And or today, I am choosing truth, joy and love whereverand however I can.




I am resolute in my desire to learn, to ulll my calling andto engage each day with as much joy as I am graciously given or

can borrow.I’m apprehensive about the unknown, and I am certainlyeeling knocked around. But I am not a raid—at least yet.

o paraphrase Psalm , “I lif my eyes to the hills. Is thatwhere my help comes rom? No, my help comes rom the Lord,who is maker o both heaven and earth—and who holds me inthe palm o God’s hand.”

Sharol May

M Y F E E B L E C R Y

We are both eeling encouraged today. With Steve having moreenergy and eeling almost “normal” or a great portion o the day,I am beginning to gain hope or these next weeks. I honestlythought that Steve curled up on the bed with the V on, hardlyable to eat and wrestling with pain, would be the norm. Steve ismanaging the pain very well now, is able to eat and is much morecheery. I thank God or you all and or your prayers. We arebeing carried along by them.

Tis is my story or today rom Psalm : - . God heard myeeble cry.

I waited patiently for the L ; he inclined to me and heard my cry.He drew me up from the desolate pit, out of the miry bog,and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.

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Joy in the Journey By Steve Hayner and Sharol Hayner - EXCERPT

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