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The Kids’ Book About

Family Fighting: A

Parent’s Read-a-Load

Book

By Family Fighting Expert

© 2009 Erik Johnson

www.conflictmediationcoach.com

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When a family experiences stress or anxiety they cope by taking on roles to avoid or deflect

pain. People adopt different roles for different situations. A person can play two or more

roles at once. And the roles balance a family like a child’s mobile.

In most family fights there are three players.

The Bully

He or she is the “bad guy, the “bugger,” the

“mean one” who starts everything.

The Victim

He or she is the innocent one, the one who is

picked on or bugged, the one who needs and

expects rescuing, feels blamed for everything.

The Hero

He or she is the helpful one, the one who

catches the bad guy, the one who rescues the

protects or rescues innocent one.

Snidely Whiplash

Dudley Do Right of the Mounties

Nell Fenwick

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This is my pesky little brother. He gets away with

everything! He pesters me constantly. I ask him to

stop and he won’t. He bugs me on purpose and it

drives me crazy. He’s like Snidely Whiplash!

This is our mother. It’s her job to protect the innocent

and punish the guilty. She’s like Dudley Do Right.

But guess what? She does nothing!

So to protect myself, I take matters into my own hands and I become Dudley Do Right!

When I try to make my brother stop bugging me he

cries and tattles on me. He pretends he is poor, little,

innocent Nell! (That little creep!).

My mom hates it when he whines. To get me to stop

bugging him she gets mean and punishes me!! Why

do I get the consequences for what my twerpy little

brother did? She’s like Snidely Whiplash!

This is me, the older sister. In our family I am like

Nell, the innocent victim who gets picked on all the

time.

Now I’m really angry! I was just trying to protect

myself and I get in trouble. I wish I was an only

child!! I’m Nell again now with no Dudley Do Right

and two Snidely Whiplashes!

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This is me, the younger brother. In our family I am

like Nell, the innocent one just trying to get a little

respect around here.

This is my older sister. She gets away with

everything, has more privileges, and won’t let me

play with her. She teases me and when I ask her to

stop she won’t. She bugs me on purpose and it drives

me crazy. She’s like Snidely Whiplash!

This is my mother. It’s her job to protect the innocent

(who is me) and punish the guilty (who is my sister).

My mom is like Dudley Do Right. But guess what?

She does nothing!

To protect myself I take matters into my own hands

and I become Dudley Do Right!

When I try to make my sister stop bugging me she

over-reacts and tattles on me. She pretends she is

poor, little, innocent Nell! (That big jerk!).

My mom hates it when my sister whines. To get me

to stop bugging my sister my mom punishes me! Why

do I get in trouble for what my twerpy big sister did?

My mom is mean like Snidely Whiplash!

Now I’m really angry! I was just trying to protect

myself and I get in trouble. I wish I was an only

child!! I’m Nell again now with no Dudley Do Right

and two Snidely Whiplashes!

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This is me, the mom. In our family I am like Nell. I work

my fingers to the bone to keep this family on track! I

shop, cook, clean, run errands, plan parties, schedule ap-

pointments, throw birthday parties, and what thanks do

I get? None! The kids’ fighting drives me crazy! I don’t

get a minute’s rest. All I want is peace and quiet.

Where’s Dudley Do Right when you need him?

This is my daughter. She’s older and should know

how to be nice to her brother. Instead she’s a bully

and a tease. She’s mean like Snidely Whiplash!

This is my son. Sometimes he goes too far with his an-

tics. All I ask is that he have a little more patience

with his sister. I keep waiting for them to grow up,

but guess what? They do nothing! It’s like having

TWO Snidely Whiplashes in the house!

My daughter thinks she’s the victim, Nell.

My son thinks he’s the victim, Nell.

I think I’m the victim, Nell.

I ignore their fighting as long as possible but they

push my buttons. Then I fly into action like Dudley

Do Right and send both of them to their rooms!!

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You know you’re being a Nell when you…

feel defensive, passive, afraid, and vulnerable.

you say, “I’m helpless against bullies,” “Some-

body save me!” “Snidely is trying to hurt me!”

“They’re being mean to me on purpose!”

To get out of the Nell role...

Don’t wait for others to rescue you.

Stop reacting to people who bug you.

If you’re being bullied get help.

Have self control.

Stop whining.

Set healthy boundaries.

Everybody feels like Nell

at the mercy of a Snidely

Whiplash from time to

time.

Lessons…

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Nobody admits to being Snidely

Whiplash.

You know you’re a Snidely Whiplash

when you…

Feel angry, critical, blaming, sarcastic, touchy,

and bossy.

Stuff your feelings of pain.

Accuse others of breaking rules.

Say, “There’s one way to do things, MY WAY!”

Don’t understand other’s feelings very well.

Jump ton conclusions without all the facts.

Think finding fault in others is being helpful.

To get out of the Snidely Whiplash role…

Identify what you’re feeling

Learn to say calmly, “I’m feeling ____ ( sad, hurt,

criticized, angry, neglected, ignored, at risk).”

Give grace to yourself and others.

Develop empathy, “What are you feeling right

now?”

Stop trying to fix, advise, or correct others.

Practice the Golden Rule: Treat others the way

you want to be treated.

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Everybody thinks they’re Dudley

do right!

You know you’re in the Dudley Do

Right role when you…

Feel worried, tired, pitying, re-

sponsible for everyone.

Are drawn to needy or wounded people (victims

like Nell!)

Are quick to identify who is in the Snidely

Whiplash role (even if you’re wrong).

Give lots of unsolicited advice.

Don’t believe others can function without you.

Want to be needed.

Says, “If I’m not rescuing someone I’m not a

good person.”

To get out of the Hero role….

Don’t expect others to be dependent on you

Stop giving unsolicited advice

Let bullies and victims work out conflicts on

their own (unless there’s a power imbalance).

Be available as coach but don’t let victims draw

you into their dependency.

Remember bullies may not mean to be bullies

but are feeling vulnerable and weak.

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The hero in this conflict is

______Why do I get the con-

The victim in this conflict is _____________________

The bully in this conflict is

__________________________

Parents: make copies of this page for each family member and have them fill in who they think is in what role. Then compare every-body’s answers with everyone else’s. Everyone may be shocked to learn how this conflict looks from another persons point of view.