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Formal Dining
“Knife and Fork School”for the Leather Lifestyle
People often judge our sophistication by our dining skills
Formal dining situations cannot be avoided even in the Leather Lifestyle◦ Conferences◦ Celebrations◦ Private Parties
The desirable attitude at even the most formal occasion is relaxed competence
Formal Dining
“American table manners are, if anything, a more advanced form of civilized behavior because they are elaborate, time-consuming, and further removed from practical results, always a sign of refinement.”
Judith Martin, Miss Manners Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, 1979
Formal Events◦ High protocol is the norm at strictly Leather events◦ Medium protocol at mixed events◦ Low (Public) protocol at vanilla events
Semi-Formal Events◦ Medium protocol at Leather or mixed events◦ Low (Public) protocol at vanilla events
If not specified on the invitation, check with the host or use the nature of the event as a guide.
Protocol Levels
Will be specified on the invitation. Tuxedo/Suit; Formal/Semi-formal Gown Formal Leather
◦ Bar wear and Dungeon wear are not appropriate Uniform
◦ Properly worn dress or mess–dress uniform◦ Uniform headgear is not worn to the table
Fetish (No nudity at the dinner table)◦ Always check with the host to determine if your
intended attire is acceptable◦ Even fetish attire should be appropriate to the event
Appropriate Attire
Arrive Eat Leav
e
The Order of Events
Cocktails (usually in another room) Call to Dinner Entrance of Head Table and Distinguished
Guests Posting Colors (if flags are not already in
position) Invocation Pledge of Allegiance or National Anthem Missing Comrades Ceremony (if used) Official Toasts Welcome Introduction of Head Table Introduction of Distinguished Guests
Typical Order of Events
Dinner◦ Appetizer◦Soup◦ Fish◦ Sorbet◦ Fowl◦ Cheese◦Meat◦Salad◦Dessert and Coffee◦ Fruit and Nuts
Typical Order of Events
Remarks/Keynote address Toast to Keynote Speaker (optional) Presentation of Gifts (if applicable) Benediction Retiring of Colors (if flags were posted) Entertainment (optional) Closing
Typical Order of Events
The Cocktail Hour
Receiving lines are the accepted way of introducing people to society. They are not often used at leather events
If a receiving line is used it is usually before or at the start of the cocktail period
Introduce yourself to the first person in line (usually the host), you exchange handclasps and greetings; the host will then introduce you to the next person in line and this procedure will be repeated through the receiving line◦ If an “announcer” is at the start of the receiving line, do
not shake hands with him/her Move promptly to the next person
Receiving Lines
Engage in conversation with the members of the receiving line only if your progress is delayed
A receiving line usually lasts about 30 minutes Guests who miss the receiving line should seek
out and pay their respects to the host, hostess and guest of honor
At leather events, the Dominant usually goes through the line first; their submissive follows but still greets those in the line
Never carry a beverage or food with you through the receiving line
Receiving Lines
If servers are circulating with cocktail trays, you may select what you want from the tray. If your preferred cocktail is not on the tray, send your submissive to the bar. (Don’t ask the server to get your drink unless there is no bar.)
If there is a cocktail “buffet” take a small sampling of the food. Remember there may be a large meal following the cocktail period
Do not bring cocktails (or food) to the dinner table
Cocktails
At The Table
Place cards often are used at formal leather dinners in private homes; at large events usually only for the head table and tables reserved for VIP guests
Dominants usually are seated by their submissives
Submissives will usually sit to the left of their Dominants (seating is sometimes flexible)
Submissives remain standing (standing present) until all Dominants at the table are seated
Submissives stand when a new Dominant arrives to be seated at the table unless the program has started
Seating
Do not touch any of the table setting (including the napkin) until the start of the actual dinner service. The host will usually signal this by unfolding his napkin unless there is a Master of Ceremonies (MC) to announce the start of dinner◦ If there is a program as part of the table setting you may
refer to that as appropriate Do not place any personal items on the table Turn off cell phones and electronic devices
◦ If you must keep them on, e.g. a doctor on call, let the Host know in advance
Do not place your elbows on the table
Simple Table Rules
Have a handkerchief or tissue handy to cover a cough or sneeze. Do not use the napkin
Do not slump or slouch in your chair Do not extend or cross your legs under the table
Simple Table Rules
If there is an Master of Ceremonies (MC), he/she will announce the entrance of Head Table and Distinguished Guests Everyone stands and remains standing until invited to be
seated Posting of the Colors
If flags are not already in place behind the head table a color guard will post the colors
As the color guard passes your position, face them and salute by placing your right hand over your heart
Invocation Pledge of Allegiance or National Anthem
Opening Ceremonies
MC or Host will usually ask guests to be seated at this point.
Missing Comrade Ceremony (if used) Welcome by MC or Host Introduction of Head Table Introduction of Distinguished Guests
◦ If you are being introduced, nod or stand but do not wave or make other gestures
◦ Follow the lead of the first person introduced (usually the host or hostess)
Opening Ceremonies
All present take part in all toasts unless they are the person being toasted ◦ Not participating in the toast does not mean that
you do not drink; it means that you do not approve of, or disagree with, the toast that was offered
◦ Any beverage may be used (Navy tradition excludes water except for a missing comrade ceremony) or a glass of wine can be brought to the lips without drinking
◦ If you do not have a glass, just go through the motions
◦ Do not clink or touch glasses at formal dinners Official toasts are arranged in advance
Official Toasts
U.S. Flag (always the first toast at military and government dinners, usually the first toast at Leather events)◦ “To the Flag of the United States of America”
Response: “To the Colors of the United States of America”
Guest(s) of honor or reason for dinner◦ “To Woody Burns, president of the HellFire club and
winner of the 1935 International Hottest Leatherman contest.” Response: “To Woody Burns”
◦ “To The LAIR on the occasion of its first anniversary.” Response: “To The LAIR”
Official Toasts
Toasts made by guests are usually reserved for the dessert course of the meal before any speeches or addresses are made
Guest toasts follow the same format as official toasts◦ Ask permission to offer a toast◦ Keep is brief and light◦ There should be no explanation required (no inside
jokes!)
Toasts by Guests
Toaster will stand with charged wine glass* in hand (about chest level) and wait to be recognized◦ Do not rap on glassware or knock on the table to get
attention◦ “May I have your attention, please.” (repeated as
necessary) Introduce yourself Recap reason for the event (or the toast) Say a few carefully chosen words
◦ Keep the attention focused on the event or person being toasted
Invite everyone to stand (if desired) and raise his/her glass to join you
Mechanics of Toasts
* You can have any beverage, including non-alcoholic beverage, in the wine glass
Raise your glass and say any final words Pause briefly in case other guests repeat your
final words or offer a specified response Take a sip of your beverage Place your glass on the table Sit down
International toasting style:Stand and hold glass at chest level, fingers of the right hand hold the stem, bowl or handle of the glass and the left hand with fingers flat supports the glass from beneath
Mechanics of Toasts
If you are the person being toasted◦ Remain seated even if everyone else stands◦ Do not touch or sip your drink
After being honored with a toast, you are expected to offer a “thank you” toast in return, either immediately or shortly after◦ If there are several toasts in your honor (often made
by a Toastmaster) each can be acknowledged with a nod or slight bow and a single “thank you” toast offered at the end
When You Are Honored
LETS TAKE A BREAK
Dinner Is Served
Food is always served from the left Beverages are served from the right Formal meals are served one course at a time At a formal buffet submissives should determine
what their Dominant desires and serve that, then request permission to go back to get their own plate
At the end of each course the plates, glasses and utensils that were used are removed from the right
Serving the Meal
If you do not want wine simply wave off its service. Do not cover or invert the wine glasses
“I prefer not having wine today” If you prefer juice or some other drink ensure that your
submissive knows that Beverage cans or bottles are not placed on the table Wine bottle might be allowed on the table if there is a
receptacle (wine scuttle) provided If service personnel (slaves) are not seated at the
main table, they will usually eat in a separate room after the main table has been cleared.
Serving the Meal
The number, type and sequence of utensils will give you a good idea of the number, type and sequence of the courses of the dinner.
The soup course usually is the only one with one utensil, all the other courses usually have two utensils each.
Always start on the outside and work in.
After using silverware, never place it back on the table―rest it on the plate. (Not even handles touch the table.)
Do not rearrange the place setting to suit yourself.
If you drop a utensil on the floor, ask for a replacement.
The Table Setting
The Table Setting
The Dinner Courses
“The main point that should be made about table linens is that there should be some, and paper doesn't
count.”
Napkin Etiquette ◦ Place the napkin on your lap after being seated and the
dinner service started. (Follow the host’s example.)◦ As needed, use it to gently wipe or dab your mouth.
Before drinking from a glass, dab your mouth. (Lipstick traces on the glasses are not considered sexy even in this setting.)
◦ During a restroom break, place the napkin on the chair or to the left of the plate
◦ At the end of the meal, the napkin is placed neatly to the right or left of the plate (not refolded, but not crumpled either)
Napkin Etiquette
◦ Do not pop or shake your napkin to unfold it◦ A dinner napkin (large napkin) is folded in half and placed
across your legs, fold towards your body
Napkin Errors◦ Never tuck a napkin into your shirt, belt, waistband or
between buttons◦ Never wipe your mouth with your napkin. You may gently
blot your mouth with your napkin◦ Never dip your napkin or fingers in your water glass◦ Never spit anything into your napkin. Never dispose of
“unpleasantries” in a cloth napkin
Napkin Etiquette
American style is only used in the United States All other “Knife and Fork” countries use
International style◦ Sometimes called European or Continental style
Either style may be used
American or International?
Non-dominant hand is kept on your lap unless needed to cut food, butter bread, pass items, etc.
To cut food◦ Fork in non-dominant hand, tines pointing down,
index finger extended along handle◦ Knife in dominant hand, index finger extended along
handle◦ Pierce food with the fork to hold it in place◦ Cut up to three (3) bite-size pieces◦ Place knife across upper rim of plate (sharp edge
toward center of plate)◦ Transfer fork to dominant hand, holding it like a
pencil, tines up◦ Pierce or scoop one bite-size morsel and bring to
mouth
American Style [Doing The ZigZag]
To cut food◦ Fork in non-dominant hand, tines pointing down,
index finger extended along handle◦ Knife in dominant hand, index finger extended along
handle◦ Pierce food with the fork to hold it in place◦ Cut up to one (1) bite-size piece◦ Keep fork in your non-dominant hand◦ Pierce or scoop one bite-size morsel and bring to
mouth by swiveling the wrist. Fork tines still point down. Knife is still held in dominant hand but with the sharp
edge touching the plate. Knife may be used to help place food on the back of the
fork tines.
International Style
Rest position is used to indicate a pause or that you have left the table temporarily. Dinnerware will not be cleared until that course ends
Finished position signals that you have completed that course and the dinnerware may be removed
Rest and Finished Positions
At the start of the meal bread and a pat of butter may be placed on the bread plate
Break bread in two halves and return one half to the bread plate
Tear a bite-size piece from the half remaining in your hand
Return what remains of that half to the bread plate and pick up a small amount of butter on the butter knife
Butter the bite-size piece and eat
Note: If there is a knife rest for the butter knife, put that knife back on the rest with the handle on the table after using it
Bread and Butter
If served at a cocktail period, appetizers are usually considered finger food
If served as the first course at the dinner table, use of a provided implement is appropriate◦ If the shrimp are served tail-on, they may be held in the
fingers by the tail and eaten. Discarded tails are placed on the plate
◦ Jumbo shrimp are eaten one bite at a time. ◦ Shrimp cocktail may be eaten with a seafood fork. If the shrimp
are too large to eat in one bite, they should be cut on the plate using the knife
◦ If dipped in sauce prior to biting, do not redip the uneaten portion if the sauce is being shared with another guest
1. Appetizer
When serving soup◦ Place the soup plates or bowls on an under-plate
(serving plate) ◦ When the soup is finished or the spoon is laid down,
the spoon is left in the soup plate, not on the dish underneath. If the soup is served in a cup, the spoon is left on the saucer
2. Soup
Table manners for eating soup◦ Hold the soupspoon by resting the end of the handle
on your middle finger, with your thumb on top ◦ Dip the spoon sideways into the soup, then skim
away from you in the bowl. Sip quietly from the side of the spoon, do not slurp
◦ To retrieve the last spoonful of soup, slightly tip the bowl away from you and spoon in the way that works best
◦ If you want a bite of bread while eating your soup, don't hold the bread in one hand and your soupspoon in the other Instead, place the spoon on the soup plate, then use the same hand to take the bread to your mouth
2. Soup
If fish is presented whole◦ Remove the head by cutting behind the gills◦ Hold the fish using the fork and slit from the head to
the tail with a knife◦ Open the fish and lay it flat on the plate◦ To remove the skeleton from the body, place the tip
of the knife under the backbone, lift with the fork, and place the skeleton on the side plate
If you inadvertently ingest any fish bones, remove them with your fingers and place them on the side of the plate
Filleted fish is simply eaten with a knife and fork
3. Fish
Sorbet (frozen juice) may be served as a palate cleanser following a fish course
Sorbet will be served with its own small spoon
4. Sorbet
If Fowl and Meat are being offered, they will be separate courses, usually separated with a cheese course◦ If served as separate courses there will be separate
sets of tableware Chicken may be a finger food at a picnic but not
at a formal table. Use the knife and fork provided
5. Main Course
Salad is usually served after the main course at a formal dinner
Salad ingredients may be cut to bite-size using the salad knife and fork
Do not drink wine with the salad course, water is the beverage of choice
6. Salad
Very soft desserts (e.g. custards) are usually eaten with a dessert spoon
Firmer desserts (e.g. cake, pie) are usually eaten with a dessert fork
Dessert forks and spoons can be interchanged as needed or used together
7. Dessert
A cheese platter may be passed with bread and crackers◦ With the Salad (American)◦ Before dessert (French)◦ As a separate course after dessert (English)
May be served with fruit and nuts (English) If cheese and/or fruit and nuts are offered, a separate
dessert plate will be provided
Cheese Platter
Coffee may be served ◦ with dessert (American) ◦ or as a separate course after the dessert course
(European)
Coffee, Fruit, Nuts
And That Is Dinner“From Soup to Nuts”
Keep your elbows close to your sides when eating or cutting food
If something is out of reach, don’t rise out of your seat to get it. Ask for it to be passed
If a serving plate is being passed at the request of another guest, don’t snag food from it as it passes you. Wait until the requester has taken their portion then request that it be passed to you
Light conversation is expected ◦ Politics and religion are not discussed in the dining
area. ◦ Do not discuss business matters or engage in loud
or heated discussions
Simple Table Rules
After Dinner
Remarks/Keynote address Toast to Keynote Speaker (optional) Presentation of Gifts (if applicable) Benediction Retiring of Colors (if flags were posted) Entertainment (optional) Closing
◦ If there is an MC he/she will announce that the dinner is finished and provide information about further events
◦ Wait for the Head Table and Distinguished Guests to depart before leaving the table
After Dinner
Service Etiquette, Fifth Edition. Cherlynn Conetsco and Anna Hart (Naval Institute Press, Annapolis, MD) 2009
Department of the Army Pamphlet 600-60, A guide to Protocol and Etiquette for Official Entertainment. (HQ, Department of the Army, Washington, DC) 11 December 2001
The Protocol Red Book, The Complete Handbook of Diplomatic, Official and Social Usage. Mary Jane McCaffree, Pauline Innis, and Richard M. Sand (Center for Protocol Red Book Studies, LLC, Laverock, PA) 2013
Protocol Handbook for the Leather Slave: Theory and Practice. Robert J. Rubel, PhD (The Nazca Plains Corporation, Las Vegas, NV) 2006
The Etiquette Scholar, http://www.etiquettescholar.com/dining_etiquette
The Emily Post Website, http://www.emilypost.com/ The Butlers Guild, http://www.butlersguild.com/
References and Resources
White Tie Black dress coat White pique wing-collared
shirt with stiff front Braces/Suspenders Shirt Studs and cuff links White vest White bow tie White or gray gloves Black patent shoes with
black dress socks
Formal (floor length) evening or ball gown
Long gloves (optional) Heels, medium or high
What to Wear
Black Tie Black tuxedo jacket and matching trousers
Formal white shirt Shirt Studs and cuff links Black bow tie Black cummerbund or
vest No gloves Black patent shoes with
black dress socks
Formal (floor length) evening gown
Dressy cocktail dress Your dressiest “little
black dress”
What to Wear
Black Tie Optional Allows either Black Tie or Semiformal
Semiformal Dark business suit Matching vest (optional) Dress shirt Conservative tie Leather dress shoes with dark
dress socks
Cocktail dress A dressy “little black dress” Long dressy skirt and top Dressy separates
What to Wear