Lab Safety ManualLab Safety Manual

Ed. Note: Are you sure this is the right meaning of “lab”?

IntroductionIntroduction

Definition of a LaboratoryDefinition of a Laboratory: Seriously? If : Seriously? If you don’t know what a laboratory is, this you don’t know what a laboratory is, this presentation is going to be just a touch presentation is going to be just a touch over your headover your head

Expectations:Expectations: Employees are expected to observe all applicable practices. We figure that so long as you look at them, you should be fine

Emergency PlanningEmergency Planning

Yeah, we sure could use some of that. Yeah, we sure could use some of that. Maybe we should, like, jot down a phone Maybe we should, like, jot down a phone number or something…hm. number or something…hm.

How about you just take a grease pencil, How about you just take a grease pencil, and write “911” on anything that looks and write “911” on anything that looks dangerous? dangerous?

Emergency Planning, Cont.Emergency Planning, Cont.

Make a sign listing all Special Hazards that may be encountered in the laboratory (e.g. laser in use, cylinders, biohazardous material, radioactive material, your mom, etc.)

This sign serves no purpose, but man, won’t it make you feel cool when you walk into the lab each morning? “Beware Lasers. Aw yeah.”

Emergency Planning, Cont.Emergency Planning, Cont.

What to do about Intruders: What to do about Intruders:

Look, if that sign you made earlier was Look, if that sign you made earlier was accurate, then you have access to lasers, accurate, then you have access to lasers, biohazardous materials and, well, biohazardous materials and, well, cylinders I guess. Now I’m not telling you cylinders I guess. Now I’m not telling you to do anything illegal, but use your to do anything illegal, but use your imagination, and that little intruder issue imagination, and that little intruder issue should clean itself up nicely. should clean itself up nicely.

Emergency Planning, Cont.Emergency Planning, Cont.

Emergency Action PlanEmergency Action Plan: :

Run you idiot, run! Run you idiot, run!

Safety EquipmentSafety Equipment

See: Emergency Planning. But seriously, See: Emergency Planning. But seriously, this section would be a lot longer if the this section would be a lot longer if the “safety equipment” wasn’t purchased from “safety equipment” wasn’t purchased from a middle school science lab during the a middle school science lab during the Carter administration. Carter administration.

Whelp, let’s see what we got Whelp, let’s see what we got

Safety Equipment, Cont. Safety Equipment, Cont.

Biosafety CabinetsBiosafety Cabinets: Spell check doesn’t : Spell check doesn’t think “biosafety” is really a word, so let’s think “biosafety” is really a word, so let’s just skip itjust skip it

Safety Shield:Safety Shield: We can shield if we want to! We can shield if we want to! We can leave our friends behind!We can leave our friends behind!

Eyewash FountainEyewash Fountain: Ha ha ha! No. But I : Ha ha ha! No. But I bet you do have a drinking fountain, or bet you do have a drinking fountain, or maybe a water cooler or something, and maybe a water cooler or something, and that’s pretty closethat’s pretty close

Safety Equipment, Cont.Safety Equipment, Cont.

Flammable Safety Cans:Flammable Safety Cans: I’m going to I’m going to avoid the obvious ass joke here to pause avoid the obvious ass joke here to pause and say, wouldn’t you want your safety and say, wouldn’t you want your safety cans to be anything cans to be anything butbut flammable? I flammable? I mean, that just sounds like it’s asking for mean, that just sounds like it’s asking for troubletrouble

Laboratory Hoods:Laboratory Hoods: All laboratory hoods All laboratory hoods have been removed for not being in have been removed for not being in accordance with Scripture. accordance with Scripture.

Safety Equipment, Cont.Safety Equipment, Cont.

Personal Safety Equipment:Personal Safety Equipment: Did you know Did you know that today is “Bring your own safety that today is “Bring your own safety goggles to work day!”, just like every other goggles to work day!”, just like every other day? Also, you might want to consider day? Also, you might want to consider wearing, like, mittens or something. wearing, like, mittens or something.

Also, although the wearing of shorts or Also, although the wearing of shorts or skirts is strongly discouraged,skirts is strongly discouraged, Kilts are Kilts are permitted under EOE guidelines. permitted under EOE guidelines.

TrainingTraining

We had a budget for that once, really, we We had a budget for that once, really, we did. But then there was that little snafu did. But then there was that little snafu about switched evidence labels I’m sure about switched evidence labels I’m sure you’ve all heard about, and the resulting you’ve all heard about, and the resulting lawsuits have meant that our training lawsuits have meant that our training budget really took a hit. Let’s pretend that budget really took a hit. Let’s pretend that this presentation is your training, and this presentation is your training, and please use the enclosed Magic 8 Ball if please use the enclosed Magic 8 Ball if you have further questions. you have further questions.

Safety Practices for Specific Safety Practices for Specific HazardsHazards

Liquefied Gasses:Liquefied Gasses: Look, I may have only Look, I may have only gotten a C- in Remedial Chem, but even gotten a C- in Remedial Chem, but even II know that something can’t be both a liquid know that something can’t be both a liquid andand a gas. That’s just crazy talk, and since a gas. That’s just crazy talk, and since it doesn’t exist, there’s no hazard. Moving it doesn’t exist, there’s no hazard. Moving on. on.

Corrosives:Corrosives: Assuming you aren’t currently Assuming you aren’t currently dissolving a former intruder, it dissolving a former intruder, it isis considered considered acceptable to throw random office supplies acceptable to throw random office supplies in there to “see what would happen” in there to “see what would happen”

Safety Practices for Specific Safety Practices for Specific Hazards, Cont.Hazards, Cont.

Lasers:Lasers: Aww, yeah. I guess I should say Aww, yeah. I guess I should say something about how only trained personnel something about how only trained personnel should operate the laser, but if that’s the should operate the laser, but if that’s the case, then how would you ever learn? I say, case, then how would you ever learn? I say, have at it. have at it.

Please note, it has come to management’s Please note, it has come to management’s attention that someone has been using the attention that someone has been using the laser to heat quarters to ridiculously high laser to heat quarters to ridiculously high temperatures, and then leaving said quarters temperatures, and then leaving said quarters on the ground for someone to find, and on the ground for someone to find, and subsequently scorch the bejesus out of subsequently scorch the bejesus out of themselves on. Management finds this themselves on. Management finds this hilarious. hilarious.

Safety Practices for Specific Safety Practices for Specific Hazards, Cont.Hazards, Cont.

Mercury:Mercury: As fun to play with as it is to eat! As fun to play with as it is to eat!

Explosives:Explosives: I wouldn’t trust you yahoos I wouldn’t trust you yahoos with a plastic salad fork, you sure as hell with a plastic salad fork, you sure as hell aren’t getting your hands on any aren’t getting your hands on any explosives. Not anymore. explosives. Not anymore.

Physical HazardsPhysical Hazards

Sweet Christmas, there are physical Sweet Christmas, there are physical hazards too? Like, on top of all the other hazards too? Like, on top of all the other crap I just mentioned? It’s a miracle you crap I just mentioned? It’s a miracle you guys make it through the day in one piece.guys make it through the day in one piece.

Don’t trip near the acid vatDon’t trip near the acid vat Avoid tasting Avoid tasting mostmost chemicals chemicals Only release Only release trained trained bats into the lab bats into the lab

spacespace

Metaphysical HazardsMetaphysical Hazards

Management would like to remind you that Management would like to remind you that Lab-Tech Hell is a real place where you Lab-Tech Hell is a real place where you will be sent at the first sign of defiance. will be sent at the first sign of defiance.

Management of Unwanted Lab Management of Unwanted Lab MaterialsMaterials

Look, remember that little talk we had Look, remember that little talk we had about the training budget? Yeah. Let’s just about the training budget? Yeah. Let’s just say the same goes for disposal. say the same goes for disposal.

I’m sure one of you knows of a quarry, I’m sure one of you knows of a quarry, and someone else has a shovel and a car. and someone else has a shovel and a car. Just put one and one together, and there Just put one and one together, and there you go, problems solved.you go, problems solved.

ConclusionConclusion

Follow this manual to the letter, and it’ll Follow this manual to the letter, and it’ll definitely free up the hiring budget some. definitely free up the hiring budget some.

But seriously, given the complete and utter But seriously, given the complete and utter lack of any kind of safety standards in the lack of any kind of safety standards in the building, you guys are just one slipup building, you guys are just one slipup away from a “Captain Trips / The Stand” away from a “Captain Trips / The Stand” type situation. So, in conclusion, best of type situation. So, in conclusion, best of luck!luck!