LAW SCHOOL DIDN’T TEACH US ABOUT OUR

OWN CONFLICTS!

Cinnie Noble, C.M., LL.B., LL.M.

November 15, 2012

Association of Law Officers of the

Crown

OBJECTIVES

2

To explore what interpersonal conflict is about

To consider the notion of conflict rulebooks

To discuss the ingredients of ‘conflict intelligence’

To examine the ‘cycle of conflict’

To increase awareness about the impact of conflict on our brains

What is first word you think

of when you hear the word

conflict?3

Interpersonal conflicthas been defined as:

4

Any situation in which interdependent people

have apparently incompatible interests,

goals, principles or feelings.

Another definition:

5

A condition between two interdependent

people in which one or both feel angry at the other and perceive the other as being at fault.

3 Main Componentsof Interpersonal Conflict

6

At least one person perceives that incompatibilities exist with another person.

At least one person experiences negative emotions about another person and a specific interaction with him or her.

The reaction to the other person prevails indefinitely and often builds over time.

What is one message

you received as you

were growing up that still

prevails about the way to

manage interpersonal

disputes?7

OUR CONFLICT RULEBOOK

S8

Do you think we can

change the way we engage

in conflict?9

Conflict

Engagementvs.

Conflict

Management10

What does the

expression

Conflict Conflict

IntelligenceIntelligence

mean to you?11

Constructive Responses to Conflict

12

Perspective TakingCreating SolutionsReaching OutReflective ThinkingDelay RespondingAdapting

(according to the Conflict Dynamics Profile®,

www.conflictdynamics.org)

Destructive Responses to Conflict

13

Winning at all costsDisplaying AngerDemeaning OthersRetaliatingAvoidingYieldingSelf-Criticizing(according to the Conflict Dynamics

Profile®, www.conflictdynamics.org)

When it comes to conflict, what do

you think the expression “Hot

Buttons”refers to?14

What pushes your “Hot Buttons” that leads to

conflict?

That is, what is one example of something

that someone says (doesn’t say) or does

(doesn’t do) that provokes you?15

“HOT BUTTONS”

16

UnreliableOverly analytical

UnappreciativeAloofMicro-managing

Self-centeredAbrasiveUntrustworthy

Hostile

(according to the Conflict Dynamics Profile® - www.conflictdynamics.org)

Conflict occurs

when we perceive a

value, need, or

aspect of our

identity is being

undermined,

threatened, or

challenged.17

INTERNAL

18

Hot Button/Trigger Point↓

Value, Need, Aspect of Identity

↓Impact (Internal Reaction)

↓Assumptions

EXTERNAL

19

Boundary

↓

External Reaction

↓

Consequences

© CINERGY® Coaching, www.cinergycoaching.com 20

Albert Einstein

“Problems cannot be solved by the same level of awareness,

thinking and consciousness that created them.”21

Examining Your Hot Buttons

22

a) Name one Hot Button

b) Which value(s), need(s) and/or aspects of identity was undermined when provoked in that way

c) What was the impact on you when provoked in that way (give at least 2 words to describe)

d) What do you think the other person’s motives were for provoking you in that way?

e) Other possibilities re: d)

“When you change the way you look at things, the things

you look at change.”

Wayne Dyer23

NEUROSCIENNEUROSCIENCECE

Our Brains in Conflict

24

SCARF Model

25

Status

Certainty

Autonomy

Relatedness

Fairness(according to David Rock, “Managing with the Brain in

Mind”)

You can change your

habits(if you want)

26

NEUROPLASTICINEUROPLASTICITYTY

27

Neurons that fire together, wire together.

28

29

THANK YOUTHANK YOU

30

Cinnie Noblewww.cinergycoaching.com

cinnie@cinergycoaching.com

Blog: http://www.cinergycoaching.com/blog/

Peacebuilding – one person at a Peacebuilding – one person at a timetime