LEADERSHIP andSELF-DECEPTION

getting out of the box

By

The Arbinger Institute

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Praise for Leadership and Self-Deception.....................................iPreface...................................................................................xSelf-Deception and the “Box”......................................................

1: Bud.......................................................................................32: A Problem..............................................................................83: Self-Deception......................................................................134: The Problem beneath Other Problems......................................235: Beneath Effective Leadership..................................................296: The Deep Choice That Determines Influence.............................427: People or Objects..................................................................568: Doubt..................................................................................68

How We Get IN the Box..............................................................9: Kate....................................................................................8110: Questions...........................................................................8711: Self-Betrayal.......................................................................9212: Characteristics of Self-Betrayal............................................10313: Life in the Box...................................................................11614: Collusion..........................................................................13015: Box Focus.........................................................................14916: Box Problems....................................................................156

How We Get OUT of the Box.......................................................17: Lou..................................................................................16918: Leadership in the Box.........................................................17519: Toward Being out of the Box................................................18220: Dead Ends........................................................................18621: The Way Out.....................................................................20222: Leadership out of the Box...................................................21623: Birth of a Leader................................................................23124: Another Chance.................................................................236

About The Arbinger Institute.................................................245Index.................................................................................249

Praise for Leadership andSelf-Deception

“Extraordinary ... Five Stars.”

—Business Ethics

“This is the most profound and practical business bookI have ever read! Everyone I have recommended thisbook to has been challenged intellectually and alsotouched emotionally. It is a must-read that I will giveto my kids to read before they begin their careers.”

—Tom A. Didonato, Vice President, Human Resources,Heinz North America

“I love this book. It identifies the central issue in allorganizational performance. Like truth itself, this bookreveals more with each reexamination. I highly recom-mend it.”

—Doug Hauth, Sales Vice President, LucentTechnologies

“Imagine working in an organization where the aimof your colleagues is to help you achieve your results.I could not believe it possible. After reading this bookI just had to bring Arbinger to the UK to teach ourpeople. What an experience! We are all better people

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for it. This book touches the very foundation of cul-ture, teamwork, and performance. It’s a must for ev-eryone.”

—Mark Ashworth, President and CEO, Butcher’s PetCare, UK

“It’s rare to find a business book that is good enoughto recommend to your boss, your work team, andyour friends. The concepts in this book have trans-formed both the way I work and the way I live.”

—Robert W. Edwards, Managing Director, WorldwideServices, FedEx

“After decades of executive leadership in senior man-agement positions, I’ve finally found in Arbinger whatI consider to be the best means of improving everymeasure of success. From boosting the bottom lineto increasing personal joy, this book shows the way.”

—Bruce L. Christensen, former President and CEO,PBS

“This astonishing book is a must read for every exec-utive or personal and professional coach.”

—Laura Whitworth, coauthor of Co-Active Coachingand cofounder, The Coaches Training Institute

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“Rarely has a book had such an immediate and pro-found impact on the hundreds of CEOs of fast growthfirms we work with through our MIT/Inc./YEO Execu-tive Program. And it’s one of those rare books thattouches both the personal as well as professional livesof these leaders.”

—Verne Harnish, Founder, Young Entrepreneurs’Organization, and CEO, Gazelles, Inc.

“Don’t be fooled by the title—this book is for everyone.I can’t think about my life the same way again.”

—Jack Anderson, nationally syndicated columnist andPulitzer Prize winner

“This is significant, original stuff. Leadership and Self-Deception is a terrific introduction to Arbinger’sgroundbreaking material—I enjoyed it immensely.”

—Robert C. Gay, Managing Director, Bain Capital

“The leadership principles in this book have had agreater impact on the quality of leadership in ourcompany than anything we have ever implemented.They have been extraordinarily important in helpingmake our company a great place to work while at thesame time helping us focus on results and increaseproductivity as never before.”

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—Michael Stapley, President and CEO, DMBA

“My blood pressure has dropped significantly, and aslong as I apply the Arbinger principles, it stays low.Leadership and Self-Deception has made an enormousdifference in my personal and professional life. Justask my family.”

—R. Douglas Holt, Presiding Judge, Graham CountySuperior Court, Arizona

“Arbinger has really hit the mark. As a managementconsultant in Europe, I’ve seen this book create moreinterest within our clients than any other leadershipphilosophy.”

—Peter Foggin, Management Consultant, UK

“While reading, I reviewed my life, and, sure enough,what successes there were in it were based onArbinger’s principles. This book is a tool that couldtransform and elevate the way government functions!”

—Mark W. Cannon, former Administrative Assistantto the Chief Justice of the United States and Staff

Director, Commission on the Bicentennial of the U.S.Constitution

“Simple ... clear ... powerful. With many years ofexperience in leadership, organizational development,

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and training I was surprised to find something strikeme with such impact.”

—Janet Steinwedel, Director, Leadership andEmployee Development, Delaware Investments

“Arbinger has provided training for Anasazi for morethan ten years. The material in this book is an inte-gral part of the incredible successes we experiencewith at-risk youth and their parents. Thank you,Arbinger!”

—Michael J. Merchant, CEO, Anasazi Foundation

“The concepts in this book are powerful. They arefundamental to success whether on the playing field,in the office, or perhaps most importantly, at home.Read this book and you’ll see what I mean.”

—Steve Young, two-time NFL Most Valuable Player

“Remarkable. Arbinger possesses the hidden key toproductivity and creativity. Do whatever you can toget your hands on this material.”

—Dave Browne, former President and CEO,LensCrafters

“Leadership and Self-Deception is a powerful antibioticfor the plague that is decimating businesses and

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families from the inside. Other approaches are mereointments by comparison.”

—Ed Lauritsen, PhD, licensed psychologist

“Leadership and Self-Deception holds up a brutallyhonest mirror to behaviour in which we all indulge tojustify our shortcomings. The result is not self-remorseor punishment but a glimpse of a life to be lived withintegrity and freed of the boundaries and constraintswe inflict upon ourselves and others. I am alwaysexcited to watch Arbinger’s thinking help my clientsto unlock painful family disputes and lead them toresolution.”

—Neil Denny, Family Lawyer, Wiltshire, UK

“A remarkable book. I urge you to obtain a copy im-mediately and read it, then reread it. It can be valu-able to your understanding of why so many peoplecreate their own problems, are unable and/or unwillingto see that they are creating their own problems, andthen resist any attempts by others to help them stopcreating those problems.”

—Robert Morris, Amazon Top 50 Reviewer

“I’ve been in the book publishing business for twenty-five years. Rarely have I read a book as profound andlife-changing as Leadership and Self-Deception.”

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David Sanford, President, Sanford Communications,Inc.

“This book was recommended to me at an annualstrategic planning session. I was stunned by the truthof it and the simple solution. Our entire managementhas now read it. It has been a building block for ourpersonal and organizational development and is amust-read for individuals or organizations looking forlasting change and development.”

—Rick Chalk, CEO, Caltex

“I first read Arbinger’s book The Anatomy of Peaceand was so impressed I went out and ordered thisbook. The process of leadership and self-discoverytaught in this book and continued in The Anatomy ofPeace is profound. It should be required for anyoneleading an organization. Outstanding!”

—Ed Kugler, author of Dead Center

“My business partners and I built a healthcare compa-ny on the ideas in this book. We are amazed at whatit has helped us achieve. Careful reading and reread-ing of this book has proven better than any productiv-ity, team building, or leadership training we’ve encoun-tered.”

—Mark Ballif, CEO, Plum Healthcare

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“An important book that has the potential to changethe way you think, behave, and live your life, bothpersonally and professionally.”

—Rolf Dobelli, Amazon Top 50 Reviewer

“As a therapist I was pleasantly surprised to find thata book geared towards managers could have such far-reaching implications in my life and the lives of myclients. I believe the ideas in this book could transformthe counseling profession. It is now required readingfor all my clients.”

—Jason Beard, family therapist

“Our Executive Committee read Leadership and Self-Deception nearly two years ago. Since then everymember of our staff has read it. The Arbinger ap-proach adds tremendous value as we grow the com-pany and integrate companies we acquire along theway.”

—Robin Hamill, Chairman, Igility Group

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“It is in the darkness of their eyes that men get lost.”—Black Elk

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Preface

For too long, the issue of self-deception has been therealm of deep-thinking philosophers, academics, andscholars working on the central questions of the hu-man sciences. The public remains generally unawareof the issue. That would be fine except that self-de-ception is so pervasive it touches every aspect of life.“Touches” is perhaps too gentle a word to describeits influence. Self-deception actually determines one’sexperience in every aspect of life. The extent to whichit does that, and in particular the extent to which itis the central issue in personal and professional lead-ership, is the subject of this book.

To give you an idea of what’s at stake, consider thefollowing analogy. An infant is learning to crawl. Shebegins by pushing herself backward around the house.Backing herself around, she gets lodged beneath thefurniture. There she thrashes about—crying andbanging her little head against the sides and under-sides of the pieces. She is stuck and hates it. So shedoes the only thing she can think of to get herselfout—she pushes even harder, which only worsens herproblem. She’s more stuck than ever.

If this infant could talk, she would blame the furniturefor her troubles. She, after all, is doing everythingshe can think of. The problem couldn’t be hers. Butof course, the problem is hers, even though she can’t

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see it. While it’s true she’s doing everything she canthink of, the problem is precisely that she can’t seehow she’s the problem. Having the problem she has,nothing she can think of will be a solution.

Self-deception is like this. It blinds us to the truecause of problems, and once blind, all the “solutions”we can think of will actually make matters worse.That’s why self-deception is so central to leader-ship—because leadership is about making mattersbetter. To the extent we are self-deceived, our lead-ership is undermined at every turn, and not becauseof the furniture.

We have written this book to educate people aboutthis most central of problems, a problem that hasbeen the exclusive terrain of scholars for far too long.But this book is about more than the problem—it of-fers a solution to self-deception as well.

Our experience in teaching about self-deception andits solution is that people find this knowledge liberat-ing. It sharpens vision, reduces feelings of conflict,enlivens the desire for teamwork, redoubles account-ability, magnifies the capacity to achieve results, anddeepens satisfaction and happiness. This is truewhether we are sharing these ideas with corporateexecutives in New York, governmental leaders inLondon, community activists in Malaysia, or parentinggroups in Japan. Members of every culture participate

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to one degree or another in their own individual andcultural self-deceptions. The discovery of a way outof those self-deceptions is the discovery of hope andthe birth of new possibilities and lasting solutions.

This book was first published in the year 2000, withthe paperback appearing in 2002. The ideas aboutself-deception, told as they are through a fictionalstory that captures most readers, has made Leader-ship and Self-Deception a prominent internationalbestseller that is now available in over twenty lan-guages. Our most recent bestseller, The Anatomy ofPeace, published in 2006, builds on both the storyand the ideas developed in Leadership and Self-Decep-tion. Individually and together, these books helpreaders to see their work lives and home situationsin entirely new ways and to discover practical andpowerful solutions to problems they were sure weresomeone else’s.

We hope that this introduction to the self-deceptionproblem and solution will give people new leveragein their professional and personal lives—leverage tosee themselves and others differently and thereforeleverage to solve what has resisted solution and toimprove what can yet be improved. In organizationsas varied as commercial ventures, neighborhoods,and families, what is needed most is people not justwith influence but with influence for good.

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A Note about the BookAlthough based on actual experiences in our workwith organizations, no character or organization de-scribed in this book represents any specific person ororganization. However, the information that appearsabout Ignaz Semmelweis is an actual historical accountdrawn from the book Childbed Fever: A Scientific Bi-ography of Ignaz Semmelweis, by K. Codell Carterand Barbara R. Carter (Westport, CT: GreenwoodPress, 1994.)

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Self-Deception and the“Box”

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BudIt was two months ago to the day that I first enteredthe secluded campus-style headquarters of ZagrumCompany to interview for a senior management posi-tion. I’d been watching the company for more than adecade from my perch at one of its competitors andhad tired of finishing second. After eight interviewsand a three-week period of silence and self-doubt, Iwas hired to lead one of Zagrum’s product lines.

I was about to be introduced to a senior managementritual peculiar to Zagrum—a day-long, one-on-onemeeting with the executive vice president, BudJefferson. Bud was right-hand man to Zagrum’spresident, Kate Stenarude. And due to a shift withinthe executive team, he was about to become my newboss.

I had tried to find out what this meeting was all about,but my colleagues’ explanations confused me. Theymentioned a discovery that solves “people problems,”how no one really focuses on results, and thatsomething about the “Bud Meeting,” as it was called,and strategies that evidently follow from it, is key toZagrum’s incredible success. I had no idea what they

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were talking about, but I was eager to meet, andimpress, my new boss.

I knew Bud by reputation only. He had been presentat a product rollout conference I attended but hadtaken no active part. He was a youngish-looking50-year-old combination of odd-fitting characteris-tics: a wealthy man who drove around in an econo-my car without hubcaps; a near high-school dropoutwho graduated with law and business degrees,summa cum laude, from Harvard; a connoisseur ofthe arts who was hooked on the Beatles. Despitehis apparent contradictions, and perhaps partly be-cause of them, Bud was revered as something ofan icon in the company—like Zagrum, mysteriousyet open, driven yet humane, polished yet real. Hewas universally admired, if wondered about, in thecompany.

It took 10 minutes on foot to cover the distancefrom my office in Building 8 to the lobby of theCentral Building. The pathway—one of 23 connectingZagrum’s 10 buildings—meandered beneath oakand maple canopies along the banks of Kate’sCreek, a postcard-perfect manmade stream thatwas the brainchild of Kate Stenarude and namedafter her by the employees.

As I scaled the Central Building’s hanging steelstairway up to the third floor, I reviewed my perfor-

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mance during my month at Zagrum: I was alwaysamong the earliest to arrive and latest to leave. Ifelt that I was focused and didn’t let outside mattersinterfere with my objectives. Although my wife oftencomplained of it, I was making a point to outworkand outshine every coworker who might competefor promotions in the coming years. I had nothingto be ashamed of. I was ready to meet Bud Jeffer-son.

Arriving in the main lobby of the third floor, I wasgreeted by Bud’s secretary, Maria. “You must beTom Callum,” she said with enthusiasm.

“Yes, thank you. I have an appointment with Budfor 9:00,” I said.

“Yes. Bud asked me to have you wait for him in theEastview Room. He should be with you in about fiveminutes.” Maria escorted me down the hall and leftme to myself in a large conference room, wherefrom the long bank of windows I admired the viewsof the campus between the leaves of the greenConnecticut wood. A minute or so later there wasa brisk knock on the door and in walked Bud.

“Hello, Tom. Thanks for coming,” he said with a bigsmile as he offered me his hand. “Please, sit down.Can I get something for you to drink? Coffee,juice?”

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“No, thank you,” I replied, “I’ve had plenty alreadythis morning.”

I settled in the black leather chair nearest me, myback to the window, and waited for Bud as he pouredhimself some water out of the pitcher in the servingarea in the corner. He walked back with his water,bringing the pitcher and an extra glass with him. Heset them on the table between us. “Sometimes thingscan get pretty hot in here. We have a lot to do thismorning. Please, feel free whenever you’d like.”

“Thanks,” I stammered. I was grateful for the gesturebut more unsure than ever what this was all about.

“Tom,” said Bud abruptly, “I’ve asked you to cometoday for one reason—an important reason.”

“Okay,” I said evenly, trying to mask the anxiety Iwas feeling.

“You have a problem—a problem you’re going to haveto solve if you’re going to make it at Zagrum.”

I felt as if I’d been kicked in the stomach. I gropedfor some appropriate word or sound, but my mindwas racing and words failed me. I was immediatelyconscious of the pounding of my heart and thesensation of blood draining from my face.

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As successful as I had been in my career, one of myhidden weaknesses was that I was too easily knockedoff balance. I had learned to compensate by trainingthe muscles in my face and eyes to relax so that nosudden twitch would betray my alarm. And now, itwas as if my face instinctively knew that it had todetach itself from my heart or I would be found outto be the same cowering third-grader who broke intoan anxious sweat, hoping for a “well done” sticker,every time Mrs. Lee passed back the homework.

Finally I managed to say, “A problem? What do youmean?”

“Do you really want to know?” asked Bud.

“I’m not sure. I guess I need to from the sound ofit.” “Yes,” Bud agreed, “you do.”

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