Least Worst of Star Wars Holocron

8/2/2019 Least Worst of Star Wars Holocron

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AT THE AnrNrril'IEIEST TIFIESisiEtrI FASiGISIT''AWAFItrISi

"GoddammilArlolf, eyery year it,s the same!,,"Well Benny, I lold you to wear one of those hats with all the feathen.,,

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Mrny films and novels havednwn their inspiration from StrV,just as SW itsdf originues fromthe thrilling black and whire ex-plois of Buck Rogers, CrashCorrigan and Flash Cordon. Onedescendant of Star Wars how-ever, shnds alone as a tribute tonor only that classic movie tril-ogy, but to almosr all of rhescience liaion ttrar inspied it. Iam of cotrse ulking about BuckyO' Hare.In the cynical, markering orien-tated world of Kids. TV carroonsiit ascends to a plateau previ-ously only fleetingly glimpsed by'Transformers" and - perhaps -'He-Man". Indeed, until recendywith Reboor and rhe clearlyBucky inspired "Caprain Simianand the Space Monkeys", no car-toqr and subsequent range of royshave even come close-It is a testament to just howmuch SW changed our enLireculture when you realise tharprior to SW there was no realcmcept of tying in a range oftoys to a film or canoon. Whatlitde norion there was of mediatie-ins, was cenainly not on lhegrand scale presented to us allfollowing the release of SW.Even the company markering thetoys \ryere taken aback by thercsponse. However, it sosr be-came achingly clear that all youhad to do was create the crazeand get tlre toys on the shelves.Initially, there were a couple ofbiggies - most noubly rhe afore-mentioned "Transformers" - whichstayed the dtstance beforc dyingout gracelessly. ("Headmasrers"?

What werc drey thinking abour?l)As rime went on, and morc toysand cafioqrs flooded the market,everythrng became more transient.Not unril Power Rurgers did any-thing attain the dizrying heighrsof SW mania. (Wirh the bizaneexception of that crazy retroChristmas, when, due to some sortof microwave mind control ray,every kid in the counrry thoughrthey wanted Thunderbirds TraceyIsland).Anyhow, Bucky O' Hare was alittle island of style and goo


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tween two crewmembcrs of theRighteous Indignarion. WillyDuWitt is a human child acciden-ully dragged inro rhe aniverse, heis most reminiscent of rhe idealis-ric farmboy Skywalker firsr pre-sented [o us m 'fatooine. TheJedi-Knighr aspect of Luke's char-acter is assigned to Jessica,Bucky's apparcnt love interest.Like rhe Sisrerhood of rhe BeneGesserir in *DUNE" - from whichinspirarion for the Jedi Knighrswas clearly drawn - Jessica hasbeen trained to use her powersby a mysrerious order, There,s analligaror Bounry Hunter, and al-though he doesn'r acrually have arocket pack or a helmer rc hidebehind, he orherwise preuy muchscreams lloba Fett.Bucky 'O Hare rruly was lhebusiness. And alrhough al rhe limethe big chunky colourful figureswere a ridiculu.rs rhree quid nineryfive pence, baryain bins acrosslhe country now ensure that youcan nab a figure for anywherebel.ween nrnery-nine Pnce to a

quid fony-nine. The videos aredin cheap roo. So if you're rheparent of a small child and yayou're srill hrp enough to be read-ing Holocron, why not save yqlr-self a bit of mmey rhis Chrisr-mas. Simply invqst in one or twoof the Bucky'O Hare videos rightnow. Ensure that $e videos areon during normal childrens TVhours. Perhaps even ourwirh thoserimes. This should confuse yourctuld into believing rhar Bucky.OHare is rhe new kids craze. Thisis rhe ricky pan: ry and findsome old catalog,ues frorn twoyears ago and leave them open arthe pages wirh all rhe previouslyexpensive Bucky 'O llare roys.In no time your kid wilt be beg-ging Sanu for the'lbad-llorg andthc Righreous Indignarim. Won'tyour kid be pleased when onChnstrnas Day, he or she rcccivesa lurly large chunk of rhe llucky

merchandise at a cost of almostbuttons Lo yourself. (fhat is, com-pared to tradiri


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>q--DO THEY HAVE AN WILEMPIRE ON EARTH HAN?

YES,BUT THEYDON"T FIGHTTHEM...THEY VOTE FARTHEM.


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This posfertrom Bcrlia compilcs hcodlines about the SDI projecl andarycs tlraf SW be ktpt oaly on the screcn.

lencc out of it.Thc idea was "passivesion"; A specific nnd fmcntal urger whichmanifest iuclf physically. ]rlnunlikc continuing milirary cr-pcrimentation wirh ESP, rhbprojcct diffcred in rhar ir qcrated undcr thc assumptlmthat this forcc exisrcd wirhhand without all of us ardpcople could bc traincd to uscit. It all sounds rypically men-tal, but wait, in order that thcEuc purposc of this projecrcould retnain sccret iL wasdubbcd OI'}ERATION JEDLWho knows, there could rightnow, bc a corps of JcdiKnights in cu:rouflagc farigtrcscausing truble behind cncnrylincs by balancing hcavy rocksup in the air and then drop-ping thenr on unsuspcctingbaddies. And i[ the US genu-incly went to the troublc ofdevcrlopinB a training courscbiucd rln tlrc Jcdi tcechings,then it's not such a leap r0assume thar thcy probablymade tlrem lightsabrcs as wcll.It all sounds fairly laughablcuntil you rcalise that all thescridiculous notiorls have as thcirrcsulq acts irl murdcrous vio-lence. Whcrhcr it's big spacclasers, X-Wing stealth bomb,ers or a platoon full of jcdiknights, it's all about war anddcath. Thinking which is to-tally at utlds with tltc drcoricsbehind a scrics of films crc-atcd first arxl [rrrcrnost as in-noccnt a:rd cscapist cntertain-m(.)nl.

marked *VERY URCENT".The letter was from parentaltorney Peter Eicher wirhregard to an application Foxhad made for a foreign de-sign patenr on the X-Wing.The srudio lawyers were in-formed trat the patent requesthad been suspende


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BATTLESTAR GA1AGTICASTAR IUAHS FOR ST'II{GERS?

In 1978, presumably due to sense, Eric Von Daniken's,'The a distinct Egyptian theme tothe immense big screen suc- Chariots Of The Gods", a non- the battle helmets of thecess of Star Wars, small screen fiction work which speculated Galactica crew, and at oneaudiences were treated to a that mankind was descended point during the series theyslightly more hip interpretation from ancient astronauts. ( Noth- even found themselves someof "space opera"....Battlestar ing wrong .with that theory of pyramids. And all this liter-Galactica. course, it's just that Von ally "adecade and a bit" be-Controversy arises almost in- Daniken told lots of big lies to fore STARGATE.stantly, it is claimed that the make his theories fit). There's But how Star Wars is it?TY pilot for Galactica was al-ready in p,roduction when SWa-rive4 ard therefore any simi-larity to characters or situa-tiorx was purely coincidental.Or was ir...Glen A [,arson, the 70's an-swer to Aaron Spelling, saw ITY funue in the sci-fi boom,md perhaps decided to developGene Roddenberry's "wagontrain to the stars" a little moreliterally. The Galactica is thelast ship of a destoyed fleet,Ieading a ragbag convoy ofrefugees and would be colo-nists back to Ear0r - their origi-nal homeplanet. Interestingly,even though the Galactica andher caravan are millions oflight years into deep space, itis still the 1970's.Promiscuity is the order of theday, and no one practices moreavidly than Dirk "handsome"Benedict. (later "Face" in thesimilarly superb "A-Team").Chracters hang out in show-ers and sauna's discussingchicks and how many baddiesthey've killed. The plot evenmakes vague reference to a topnorch piece of seventies non-


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"Not very" would apear to The Three Degrees. Only, to describe it scornfully asbe the answer, with a few make them look a bit "spacey", "silly".malrr exceptions. tlrey've each got ttnee eyes, two The pilot for BattlestarStarbuck and Apollo are noses arrd a couple of mouths. Galactica gets an every socleu$ meurt to fill yorr bo- Cheerily however, space afio's often TV airing, and if yousic Han ard Luke require- look exactly the same as our haven't seen it befue, youments. Both Starhrck ard Han own. could do far worse than toare gambling loveable rogws The similrities re there, but warch ihis -slice of TV sprcewhile Apollo ard Luke ale only just. And realistically. it's opera The series is cunentlyyour more scriou riglrteous in the pilot ttrat it is most obvi- being re-nrn on the Sci-Fitypes. ous. Howeyer, if .rwnorus re !o Channel. Galactica says a goodThere's mo,re than a hint of bc bclieve4 the vague similari- deal about the time it wasX-Wing about the "Yipetrs", tios wcre just a little too much wrinen r& not as politicallythc Galrctica's defence squad- fcFox and lrrcasfilm....Galrctica corect as Classic Star Trek,ron. What was quite cool cqrtinrrcd to develop in glamor- nu as slick as todays TV sfabout the Yipers, was tlre way orls seventies space opera vein, fare it can still succeed inthey were lauched; the pilot rmtil Fox took legal actioq forc- being good fun. Sort of.would bo siuing in thc crsft ing the show's cancellation. If If you're feeling puticularlyin his Egyptian head dress" this is tnre, Fox certainly had a nit-picky and sa4 you mightant then werything would go brassnech cursidering SW sigi- wani o pinpoint all the simi-red as he fired off down a nues from classic 301 and 40's larities between it and SW.flashing hexrgonal trmnel at pulp sci-fr srials. And what But I douh you'll find ttrattop speed" Smashhg. about dl the eerie similarities many. And certainly notAnd as for the Cylons. Imag- behf,ecn SW snd Frark Herbert's emugh to merit a cancella-ine Vader and r sormtrooper "DIJNE'. ( this contoversy will tionsort of bashed together and be explued next issue )then spralrpainted gold" There's Galrctica madc m rnpty asefirpteven a shady all powerful at revival with "Galactica 80",leader lurking in the back- the convoy-nowminusall uigi-ground nal chrrcters with the excep-Instead of two cute but slightly tion of l,orne Greene's Com-aggravating droids, we have mandcrAdrna-finally rrive onone terribly ante, terribly ag- Earth. There's e lot of muckinggravating robotic...thing, called about on Earttr with computersMuffet. A rcrt of robo Teddy and flying motorbikeprolotypes;Bcu. Revolting. ard not a lot of space battlesSW has the classic cuttina amd sauna rctiqr, but lrey, it'sscen, shady looking creahres the 80's. Different times. Thehang out in a dimly lit room, kids di&rt wsrt sprce based sci-listenfury to cool jazz unes. errce fictioru there was a tech-Galactica has the classic ca- nological revolution going onsino scene. A couple of half right here on Earth. Of course,hearted looking monsters it could just be that one of thedressed in best seventies style stipulations fq Galactica beinghurg out in a casino disco - allowed to continue was thatminorball ani all - listening they kep out of space. Person-to science fiction's answer to ally, I liked it, but most people

FEBRUARY 24in Peals Neu)sletterAll enquiries, SAE to

Douglas BaptieTop Flat

7 Anctum CourtHauickScotlanilTDg 7DB


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ONEN HAIIETS.,,W]AT A LON trtrEF,IEBS,


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THE STAR WABS HAUDAY SPECIAI-..ru TURKEY?Maybe you've heard it spoken dance sequences. And in the climaxes with [,eia singing t]reabout in hushed, vaguely em- heady dayi of l97g...what bet :;;W';;r,, song to rhe Srarbarrassed rones, maybe you rer rock guesr srars ro lur".fT W;; ;;". I don,r knowearly bought a shady copy of rire migtrry Jefferson Starship? ^.:_ ::..::ir from an equaliy shady The shlw'is ;;";;; f*'rrhe :bout vou, but _I'm hooked.stallholder at a comic mart, short animated r"ou""""-*ruJ lhere can be little so reward-only to return moment later to introduced.Boba Fetr. The ani- ing as retro pap. Sadly, Thefind that he and all his wares mation was prt tog"rf,". 6, Holiday Special has neverhad"mysteriously disappeared", Nelvan4 tl,".o.p"ny"*to t"r"', been released on video - un-ya-ybe v9u actually saw it....but produced uEwo'ks" an6l less it's in that new fgO boxI doubt it.... l,Droids,. set-and shady copies are dif_Just what is "The star lyars Nat,rally there are guest ap- ficult to come by. I doubt itHoMay Special" qear.anges by M3rk- Hamiil, ;; ;;;""ised in the U.K.In December 1978, I was but Cuni" Ft to ;O T=:"1r"ld. ;; ffi; readers possess athree year old babe in the Anthony Daniels tums up too ^^_.. :wrong continentr so I didn't and James Earl Jones ,r&ia". copy' perraPs we could setsee the televisual higtrtight of a voiceover. up an illicit trade in piratedthe year. But households all It's jam packed full of ,ro"1 copies. Don't hesitate to letover America were tuning in.The sketch is, Chewbacca hasto get home to his family rocelebrate '(Life Day',, a sacredwookie holiday. Stormtroopersturn up on Kashyyyk and spoileverything looking for therebels. Hereafter, the plot re-volves around slices of Wookielife and the "will Chewbaccaget there in time" tension.What seems amazing, is thatthe producers seem to havedecided to go for a sort of"slapstick comedy'l angle forthe show, which is totally out

of synch with the subtle, sar-castic humour of the films.Stais are dragged in from ..clas-sic" American comedy showsEo pad out ttre plot. And al-though I have never seen it, Inm sure that there are few TVmoments !o match Bea Arthur(of Golden Girls fame) singingin the Mos Eisley cantina.Indeed, in adfition to the hi-larious comedy, the producersalso decided to explore anothertheme not fully devetoped inthe film...musical numbers and

from Star Wars and ir'us know.


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Tlhrry Cfristnus T-o FURnd to Tlll A [edi Knidrt'- -==-'''=:-

"Leave the bear to me."


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CELEBRATORYSPECIAL EDITIONSBOOKMARK

CELEBRATORYSPECIAL EDITIONSBOOKMARK

You are weak oA man

(-,tA(i.:r-:

Peil on Cloud City

.'1*\'.- h\ d-.^

,ffilxealh Star victory

Y-HDo or do not,lhere is no lry


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IOM $[Y DTIDTTOTThe croft shuddered out of hyperspoce, slowlyspluttering into orlcit oround o lorge green moon.ln the donk, foul smelling corgo hold, o lorgecrote toppled ond croshed onto o pile of rogs,There wos on ongry grunt, ond very suddenly,Bobo Fett wos owoke. He leopt out of his moke-shitt bed shouting ond begon firing indiscriminotelyot ony other corgo crotes who moy hove beenintending to hove o go. The intercom crockledinto life."Okoy pol. We're here. Get out.'Fett blosted the com unit, But no one wos wotch-ing, ond so the moment wos wosted.Fett skulked cheerlessly towords the docked scoutcroft thot wqs currently his mojor meons of trons-portotion. He'd hitched possoge oboord o freighterwhich wos folling to bits os his croft didn't hove ofunctioning hyperdrive. The Bounty Hunting busi-ness wosn't too good of the moment. His singleminded determinotion to destroy Hon Solo ondonyone he'd ever spoken to hod got him o bit ofo reputotion os 'o buffoon'. And whot with Solo'sseemingly neverending tolent for ovoiding deothin increosingly implousible woys, Fett's methodsfod been held up for scrutiny by oll ond sundry.Fett hod even heord thot o 'revue' show on theHolonet hod o running gog in which every week'Big Gun Bobo' would try to do something hordond then his trousers would foll down, or he'd tryto shoot someone, ond he'd be holding o bo-nono ond so on. Generolly, Bobo would then turnto the comero, weoring his helmet thot didn't fitproperly ond soy 'Ooops!'. Fett hod vowed totrock down the Holonet executives responsible ondsloughter them..just os soon os he got o bit ofcosh together. Rother embonossingly, the mostimmediote woy to do lhis, wos to turn his huntingtolents to 'tropping', there wos o superb trode insentient fun qt the moment, ond it wos veryfoshionoble in the more decodent oreos of theouter rim, to be seen weoring o pett mode out ofsomething thot you could hove hod o converso-tion with. Fett scowled of his scout croft ondclimbed inside. Destinotion Endor.The bivouoc wos completed before'nightfoll. Fetthod felled o couple of trees, looped them together ond more or less built o smoll extensiononto the side of his scout croft. He wos on thebrink of foshioning himself o smoll toble ond somemotching chqirs when he remembered whot histrue purpose on Endor wos. He wos here to kill. ltwos thol simple. He smiled quietly to himself. Fetthod heord oll the stories thot circulqted obout hisidentity; wos he o former stormtrooper?; wos heSolo's brother?; wos he reolly o womon strugglingto succeed in the troditionolly mole dominotedoccupotion of Bounty HunteP How everyone wouldlough if they knew thqt Fett wos o corpenter bytrode, thot he even owned q little shop where hesold his corefully crofted goods. He didn't mokemuch money, he needed to toke qll the hits tokeep the shop


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FETT V PREDATOR-ion to the remoins of vorious imperiol outpostsreveoled enough moteriol for him to construct ocroft decent enough to qt leost get him to ihenext neorest spoceport. Nighttime come tooquickly, ond Fett shivered uncier his burned Ewokduvet once more.

Refreshed, renewed ond through the deepest bluebit of his misery, the goloxy's hoppiest BountyHunter olmost skipped through the forest collect-ing the ewoks from hls highly successful trops.Certoinly, he only hod the odd one or two rightnow, but he knew thot deod oheod, he wosgoing to find the motherlode. He could just mokeout the wounded, helples squeoling from here.Bobo stopped ond dropped the wire net cunentlyhousing his furry bounty. Beneoth his helmet, hesmiled. lt hod worked! With precise timing, ondcoreful use of smoll incendiory devices, Fett hodsucceeded in blowing the bottom out of the moinfoirwoy of on ewok villoge, sending scores ofthem hurtling towords the forest floor he hod cov-ered in vqrious nosty trops. The trops coused veryminor domoge to the fur of course, but very mojordomoge to just obout everything else. Hondy. Hestepped forword to begin his collection. Cleorly, ofew trips were going to be in order. And thensuddenly,lhere wos on unpleosont crunching noise,some sort of bqrlced electric coble whipped broundFett's leg ond pulled. Within seconds, Fett wosdongling upside down from o foirly high tree, hisleg wos going numb. There wos o short, preciseburst of loserfire, His ewoks exploded once more,Fett struggled fonuqrd helplesly, monoging only torock himsef bqckwords ond fonrvords in o monnerwhich mqde him dizzy, Helples, he wotched hisfurs burn os he slipped into unconsciousness.Something wos growling ot him. Bobo stortedowoke, disoppointed to find thot hewos still hong-ing upside down. Something slopped his foce.Hord."oi!'There wos o rhythmic gurgling, olmost like ochuckle."Listen pol, l'm Bobo Fett...obout the toughestcookie you're likely to meet ond...'A gloved hond shimmered into view, grobbed hisleg ond cut the wire. Fett fell speedily to theground, cursing himsetf thqt he hod been unobleto moke out ony further detoils of his ossoilont.'Cool gloves though.' he thought.He remembered very suddenly thot he wos in obod mood. More ongry thon dejected, FetJ pickedup the little wire bog with obout five ewoks in itond heoded bock to his chorred comp. He hodwolked only o shorl woy when he heord thebeeping. Beeping, getting quicker ond louder ondcoming from his wke bog, He unstropped it ondhurled it owoy. lt exploded in o dozzling shower offur ond little green sporkly things,"Of course you reolise, this meons wor."Dorkness. Bobo sot otop o tree. Wotching. Below,wos onother ewok trop. A nosty ltttle number whichvioloted ewok innords in on oppolling monner. ltwos oll done with sound woves opporently. Fettdidn't know how it worked, he just knew whichbuttons to pres. Cunently, there wos o vost pile offurry corpses occumuloting, but the trop wosn't setfor ewoks. Ihis trop, wos just the boit, He hopedhis mysterious enemy would turn up foirly soon

though, os his legs were going numb. The tell tolecrock of o hondily positioned forest floor twigindicoted thot he wos no longer olone. Below, hisossoilont finolly shimmered into view, gurgling ondchuckling os he set qbout ononging -the nextdoy's trops ond ewok explosives. NeVer one tomess obout, Fett shot him right owoy with o whopping greot loser horpoon gun. Ihe horpoon thud-ded heovily into the enemy's chest, ond therewos o splosh of bright green ooze. Fett quickly setobout tying the other end of the horpoon ontoihe tree.-Fettl'lhe enemy turned, howling, ond did somethingFett hodn't reolly counted on. He'd osumed thotit would oll be pretty stroightfonuord, he shootsthe enemy in the chest, stortled ond ongry, theenemy runs off to sort himself out o bit, but hecon't, becouse Fett's tied him to the tree ondQropped on electricol net mesh on top of him,Fett wos in the process of hostily unfotding thenet, when the enemy leopt stroight up the tree.Bobo would hove been the first to odmit thothe'd probobly not thought his plon oll the woythrough, He kicked out, monoging to cotch theenemy right in the heod with his boot, before hewos grobbed in on oltogether unfriendly foshionond pulled screoming towords the forest floor. Thetwo londed heovily just odjocent to the ewoks.The Predotor growled groggily, stood up, kickedBobo in the heod, then ogoin in the stomoch. Fettstined, ond stood up ongrily, pointing o disciplinoryfinger of his tormentor. Ihe PredotorIooked stroightof him, gurgled, ond then fired on the ewoksbefore leoping into the trees once more, disoppeoring os he went.'Yes. Yes very funny.' scowled Bobo.Fett hod been trocking the usefully luminous greenfluid for hours now. His enemy wos obviously losingquite o bit of blood. Between thot troil orid therondomly occuning scenes of ewok destruction,the guy might os well hove signposted his hideout,The Predotor lurked obove. he closed the lid onhis little bottle of luminous green stuff ond chuck-led. Any minute now, his prey would probobly findhis "secret comp'.Feti stopped. Something wosn't right. ln the nextcleoring, he could see q spocecroft, presumoblybelonging to his friend in the stylish helmet. But itsuddenly occurred to Fett, thot considering thotthis psychopoth hod totolly hommered him on twooccqsions, this wos o little too eqsy. There weretwo ewoks frolicking in the cleoring next to thecroft, were they supposed to be -some sort ofomusing boit? So whot, Fett would go to getthem ond they'd explode ond then suildenly iheg.nemy would turn up to kick his heod in ogoin?"No. No I don't ihink so.'Predotor looked down ot Fett. Whot wos keepinghim? Then he noticed the ewoks in the cleorino-.He should hove mined the surounding oreo 6thot this sort of thing wouldn't hoppen. Fett woswoiting becouse he thought the ewoks were portof o trop. lf he blosted them now, he'd definltelygive the gome qwoy. But then, they were stroyingoMully close to the spocecroft... One of the ewoksfell into the crofl o little too heovily, ond with onemborrossing creok, the plostisteel spoceship cut

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FETT V PBEDATOR-ut fell over, flottening the ewoks. Predotor tutted,Fett hod probobly rumbled him now.

Bobo wos still pointing ond loughing when ThePredotor leopt down on him, knocking him to theincreosingly fomilior forest floor. Fett grobbed hisoftocker qnd houled him over his shoulders, throw-ing him down too. Bobo cought his breoth, stoodup, ond booted the Predotor in the heod onceogoin. He then grobbed him by the bock of theneck, ond smoshed his heod repeotedly off of theground.'Eot pine needles scumbog.'Predqtors helmet tlwed qnd Fett found himself onthe receiving end of on electric shock. He let goinstontly, ond the Predstor leqpt up, turned roundond butted him. Fett whimpered, his eyes bluring,he could still moke out The Predotor clomberingup onother tree. He ignited his rocket pock, ondwos ofier him like o whippet.It wos Horvest Doy Celebrqtion in the Ewok Vil-loge. One of the more socred celebrotions of theyeor. The solemn rites ond blesings of the Lifetreehod been odminlstered, the procesion hod plontedthe new Lifetree with cuttings from the old. lt wosnow time for the festivities ond for the feost. TheGrond Toble hod been set, ond visiting dignitoriesfrom the surrounding sotellite villoges sot withChirpo. The socred horn signolled for silence. ChiefChirpo, stood up on the toble ond begon tomoke his speech. He wos midwoy through onintroductory reoding from one of the epic ewoksound poems, when suddenly the toble wos, invery quick succesion, on fire, upturned ond thensmoshed. The Predotor onived in the Ewok villoge,o bit knockered from hoving just climbed up suchon enormous tree. He looked down qt the gopinggosh he'd just torn in the centre of the villoge.Fett wos down below, slowly ond corefully novi-goting himself up through the dense folioge byrocket pock. Quickly, the Predotor storted indis-criminotely grobbing ewoks ond hurling them down.Another screeching ewok bounced off Bobo'sheod. Enough wos enough. Throwing couiion tothe wind. he ignited his rocket pock full blqst, qndblozed speedily up towords the ewok villoge, Fettcroshed through the wooden plotform impresivelyin o hoil of splintered burning wood sending yetmore ewoks coreering towords the ground."Right. Thot's itl'Fett lunged for the Predotor, rocket pock still olight.Predotor grobbed the bounty hunter ond chuckedhim out towords the forest. Cursing, Fett hurtledout of control very briefly before smoshing intoonother tree ond folling once more from o greotheight.'Bugger.'The Predqtor leopt from the burning wreck of theewok villoge, coring little for the distonce to theground. Currently, with so mony deod ewoks lyingdown there, you were olmost ossured o sofi lond-ing.Bobo Fett londed uncomfortobly upon the onlyspot of the forest floor not covered in ewok. Andhe wos gefting his breoth bock to prepore for the

inevitoble next round, when the Predqtor londedon him,"Leove me olonel'Predotor kicked him in the foce.ln the doys thot followed, the most bloody ondterrible in Ewok history, more thon twenty villogeswere wiped out ond hundreds of Lifetrees burned,broken ond generolly mistreoted. No defencesmounted, no cotopults, no hongliders, no littletripwires, could defend o villoge ogoinst the indis-criminote ossoult of the two "woring gods'. Theculture which hod helped topple the mighty Em-pire, which hod destroyed much lmperiol technol-ogy with simple primitive equipment wos now otthe mercy of two nutters hoving o big fight. Vori-ous villoges evocuoted ond fled into the moun-toins, only to then be eoten by the lorge nostythings which lived there. The Ewoks would neverreolly recover from ihe mosocre.ln o swomp, on lhe outside edge of one of themore minor forests, Bobo Fett ond the Predqiorsot, up to their woists in mud ond muck. Almost oweek of solid fighting hod ended in stolemote.'Thot...wos greot. I hod been letting myself go obit...but I don't think l've ever been this shorp.'Predotor nodded."l meon...l'm jiggered right now like....but this willhove done me the world of good.'Predotor extended his exquisitely gloved hond,Bobo shook it."Cheers.'The Predotor storted, os ff suddenly hoving o greotideo, He releqsed the pressure switches on theside of his helmet, ond begon to remove it.Fett wotched, ond then very suddenly wished hehodn't.'Yes. Well I never reolly look my best when I tokethis one off either.-The Predotor held out his helmet, ond gestured toBobo's own mosk."You wont my helmet?'The Predotor gurgled ond nodded, holding out hisown mosk once more."Oh I see,,,.it's o swop. Yeoh....yeoh okoy. Imeqn....this is my spore one onywoy.'Bobo removed his helmet, ond solemnly honded itover to his new pol."There's only couple of people hove seen me likethis mote. And they're deod now. Except mymum of course.'The Predotor jokingly tried on Bobo's helmet.-Mmm...it doesn't reolly fit very well. Even on me.'Predotor's however, fitted Bobo o treot.The two friends slopped eoch other on the bockin o monly foshion, ond went their seporote woys.Six doys loter, Fett wos still on Endor collecting ollthe ewok pelts. He wos going to be minted. Hehod enough money to get o whole new helmet.moybe o new ship ond he would olmost certoinlybe oble to develop his Holonet show. Fett storedup ot oll the stors ond smiled. He hod never feltbetter. Moybe he'd hove onother crqck of Solo.He stuffed onother Ewok onto the tropping sledhe hod built ond drove on, whistling o merry tune.

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ODESSA TENIACLES TANGLED!P RF-ARMNGED AP OQ{LYPSE!ALIEN II\ryASION IMMINENT.!Thc ccntrc camtothold!T}IE WHISTT.EBI.oWENS;BISODE GT'IDE

The indispensible o the cultTYshow thatnever was.Two unenrployed occult private investigatorsand a psychopathic psychic chick hit the roadin a t[ack volkswagen beetle on a nfssion to'blow the lid off the whole scam".Join'The Avengers on Acid" for a trip tlnough0re digestive uact of the covert underbelly oftheUK..All six never produced half hour episodes arecovered in their entirety. With script excerps,plot breakdowns, character Fofiles,p,rodrction sketches and reicted storyline /character ideas, it really is the full paranoidsci-fi monty.TWEG is fairly lavishly illustrated withproduction and promotional photogrryhs aswell as stills from the quickly abortedfiLnshoor And as a bonus theres a speciallyuninen Whistleblowers short story "Inkfish".

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Least Worst of Star Wars Holocron

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