1

THE DECISION TO BE A DEVOTED HUSBAND

(SUPERBOWL PREDICTIONS, Harvest Sermon, HONDURAS) This morning I want to talk with you about manhood and marriage. You don’t have to be married to be a man. The man I worship and desire to be like was never married. So marriage is not required for manhood. But if you are married, to be a man you must be devoted to your wife. Let me begin by telling you three things about great marriages. 1. Great marriages are unusual. Many marriages are bearable. Many marriages work well enough that couples stay together for a lifetime. But marriages which are truly fulfilling, where two people become one, and where a couple grows closer as they grow older – I don’t think those are the norm. 2. Great marriages are difficult. It’s not hard to co-exist in the same house with another person. It’s not hard to lower your expectations, quit hoping for an emotionally satisfying relationship, and settle for being able to put up with each other. But for two people who see the world differently, who process information differently, who each have a tendency to think “me first” –

2

for two very different people to make a life together – raising kids, handling finances, succeeding in the careers and sacrificing for each other’s dreams – that’s not easy. Especially when they want something different out of their relationship. What do women want out of marriage? Someone who understands them. Someone who is emotionally supportive and who makes them feel safe and secure when they share their feelings and their fears. Someone who believes in their dreams. And someone who will be discerning enough to know when she wants him to step in and do something to help her with her problems but who is also able to recognize when all she wants is for him to listen empathetically and not do or say a thing. Good luck with that one, boys. What do men want out of marriage? Little drama and lots of sex. Just let me come home, relax, enjoy life, and make passionate love to a woman who thinks I’m terrific. And then let me go to sleep. Is that too much to ask? Ok, this is a serious topic, but you know I’m going to have fun with it.

3

And these differences regarding marriage – they go on forever. Here’s a clip from the TV series Curb Your Enthusiasm where Sheryl has gotten Larry to redo their marriage vows. Clip: Curb Your Enthusiasm I’m joking about our differences, but I do think most men and women have different needs when it comes to marriage. And that’s one reason why really good marriages are really hard. Third thing I want to tell you about great marriages. 3. Great marriages require great husbands. Great marriages are not the norm. Great marriages are difficult to pull off. And to have a chance at a great marriage, you’ve got to have a great husband. If I was talking to women, I’d talk to them about being great wives. But I’m talking to you and what I want you to hear up front is that there’s no way to have a great marriage without husbands who make a great commitment to their wives and who are willing to make great sacrifices for their marriages. We’re in our fourth week of this series, The Decisions that Make a Man. And this morning I want to tell you that men who are married, grown-up, no longer boys at heart, real men decide to work at having great marriages.

4

They decide to be devoted husbands. I have chosen the word “devoted” purposefully. I could have used the word faithful. I love that word and one day as I stand before my God, I hope to hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” But if I say you must be a “faithful” husband, you may hear that in a passive way. Just don’t cheat, don’t commit adultery, don’t break your marriage vows. Just don’t do anything wrong. I have intentionally chosen “devoted” because it carries a sense of active engagement. Synonyms for devoted are: loyal, dedicated, loving, committed. When we speak of devoted fans, for example, we mean they are fans who are always there for their team, who never give up, and who don’t switch teams just because their club isn’t winning. Our word “devoted” comes from a Latin root that means “set apart” or “consecrated” which connotes a wholehearted and almost religious sense of commitment. And that’s what it takes to be a great husband. A man who is committed to fulfilling the vows he took, and wholeheartedly dedicated to his marriage.

5

I have spoken to you and to the church about marriage a number of times in many different ways. This morning because our series is The Decisions that Make a Man I’m going to focus on what men must decide and do to be great husbands. The first thing men must do is 1. LEAD. Men are to lead their families and men are to take a leading role in their marriages. We are to the initiate the activities that create great marriages. Here’s a passage from the Bible on marriage that people often misunderstand. Ephesians 5.22-26: Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. A man is to be the head, the leader of his family – which is tough because very often the wife is smarter, more intuitive, more spiritual, more in tune with the needs of their children and more committed to the marriage than the husband. But I know this. Great marriages are impossible without great husbands.

6

And when a husband feels that his wife fights him on everything, that she doesn’t respect his views or his efforts, and when he feels emasculated – that will eviscerate his male spirit and he will not be a great husband. A couple of years ago I did a wedding with a young Baptist pastor. He was asked to give the sermon. The couple had requested that he read and speak on the passage from Ephesians I just quoted. As he got into it, he said to the groom, “Jimmy, the man is to be the head of his family. And just like there can only be one head coach on a football team there can only be one head of a marriage.” I thought to myself, “Good Lord, we’re in trouble.” Then he went on, “But most successful head coaches are smart enough to know that if their team is going to win, they need to let someone else be the offensive coordinator and trust him to call most of the plays. And, Jimmy, I believe you’re smart enough to be a good head coach.” According to profocusfootball.com, last year how many NFL teams had a head coach who was also the offensive coordinator? 32 teams. How many head coaches were also the offensive coordinator? Only 1. Who was that idiot? Bill “the ego” O’Brien – the mastermind behind the powerhouse Houston Texans offense. A Bill Belichick kind of guy– only with the success or the charm.

7

“Lead” does not mean control, dictate, always think you’re right, call all the plays or insist on getting your way. When the passage describes Christ as our head, it talks about his giving himself up for the church, dying to himself, and laying down his life so the church can be who it was created to be. You want to be the leader of your family? And you should, then hear this. Being the leader means you think more about your marriage than your wife does; you care more about your marriage than your wife does; you sacrifice more for your marriage than your wife does, you give up what you want more than you ask your wife to, and you go to a cross more for your marriage than your wife does. Who loved who more? Did the church love Jesus more or did Jesus love the church more? Did the disciples serve Jesus more or did he serve them more? Who got more and who gave more? Jesus or his followers? If you’re the leader of your marriage, the way the Bible talks about being the leader, your goal is not to get what you want but to give your wife what she needs. Do that, and unless you really screwed up in choosing a wife, I bet you’ll find a woman who is glad to respect you and let you be the leader.

8

Less is never expected of the leader, not in any organization or relationship. And certainly not in marriage. So, you be the one who plans how to make your marriage better. You be the one to say, We should sign up for the church’s marriage ministry, Re-engage. You be the one to say, Let’s get away, just the two of us. You be the one to say, I think we need to see a counselor. You be the one to say, Let’s join a small group for couples at the church, go for a walk or go out to eat. Lead – in the same way Jesus led, that’s your first job as the man in a marriage. As a devoted husband you must 2. CREATE A PLACE OF SECURITY FOR YOUR WIFE. In their book “How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking about It” Patricia Love and Steven Stosny write that men and women have different primary fears. They state Love and Stosny: If you’re a woman, your list probably contains items that, at least, indirectly, involve the possibility of harm, isolation (loss of loved ones – no one to want or care about you), and deprivation (no food, shelter, comfort or things that make you feel good). … The male list is primarily about the possibility of failure, inadequacy or loss of status – missing a promotion, getting fired, losing the respect of others. A woman’s primary fears revolve around losing the comforts or the people who make her feel physically and/or emotionally safe. A man’s primary fears revolve around being seen as inadequate and losing the respect of others.

9

Men, don’t think for a moment this makes women weak. They’re not. What I’m emphasizing is how important it is that we take your wife’s fears seriously and that we do nothing to increase them and we do everything we can to alleviate them This means several things. One A. You must assure her that she has no competitors. Your wife needs to know that she is the only woman in your life. That means you don’t spend time alone with other women. You don’t text, phone or talk to other women about the personal matters in your life. Well, I can’t talk to my wife about these things and I wanted to get a woman’s perspective. That is bull – and if we weren’t in church I’d add another word. If you need to talk to someone about your problems, try a buddy. And if that doesn’t work, go to a counselor. And if for some reason, a male counselor who had counseled hundreds of women, cannot help you understand your wife’s needs, I’ll recommend a female counselor who can help you. She’ll be 20 years older than you and she won’t look a thing in the world like the woman at your office in the short skirt you picked out to help you understand your wife. Your wife needs to know that she comes first. No other woman, no job, no hobby, no male friends are her equal in your affections or on your scale of what’s important.

10

Many women find themselves feeling alone in their marriage because something else has their husband’s attention. There are times when work requires an inordinate amount of our schedule. Tell her – this is coming up. I’m going to be crazy busy, I hate it but I don’t see any way around it. And be especially good about communicating with her and speaking words of affection to her during this time. And then make sure “when this crazy time is over,” it’s not followed by one more crazy time after another. Being a devoted husband means your wife comes first in your time and in your heart. B. You must make important decisions together. One area – your finances. In some homes, women pay the bills, know what’s in the bank accounts and plan for retirement. But even if they don’t, most women want to feel secure financially. They want to know that there’s money for the kids to go to college, that she’ll be ok if something happens to you, and that y’all will have enough to enjoy your retirement. Share that information with her. Let her know not just that you make good money but that the two of you are doing fine and she doesn’t have to worry. Important decisions – make them together, include her so she’s not surprised, so she doesn’t feel left out, so she feels secure.

11

C. You must compliment her appearance. We guys don’t understand it, but a girl grows up with her appearance being a huge part of her image and her self-worth. A common complaint of middle age women is men don’t notice me anymore. It’s like I’m invisible. Two years ago when she was 53 British actress Kristin Scott Thomas, who has been in over 40 films and nominated for an Oscar for her role in The English Patient” said in an interview Picture (young/more recent) Kristin Scott Thomas: Somehow, you just vanish. It’s a cliché, but men grow in gravitas as they get older, while women just disappear. Young or not so young, your wife wants to be seen and she wants to be seen by you. She wants to know that she is attractive and she wants her husband to say so. If you know that one of the reasons your husband was attracted to you was because of your physical beauty and you fear your beauty isn’t what it used to be – what do you need to feel secure? You need him to tell you that he still thinks your beautiful. Be the guy who tells her.

12

D. You must protect her. You’re not always going to understand your wife’s needs and fears. When you’re alone, they may irritate you. When you’re in public, they may embarrass you. But, if you are her devoted husband, you will defend her feelings and her needs, and you will protect her from feeling ashamed for having them. The Right Stuff is a film about the original Mercury 7 astronauts. Men like Alan Shepherd, Gus Grissom, Gordo Cooper. Air Force, Navy and Marine pilots who distinguished themselves from the 500 test pilots that applied for the program. Talk about macho, strapping yourself onto a rocket and being among the first to head out into space – these guys defined manhood for a generation of Americans. There are many great scenes in the film where these guys prove themselves men. Here’s one that I have always remembered. John Glenn was a straight arrow that the other guys enjoyed making fun of because he was so much a gee-whiz-boy-next-door kind of guy. Vice President Lyndon Johnson is waiting outside of the Glenn home to go inside and sit with Annie Glenn as John goes into space. He’ll be on all the major networks, center stage during this historic flight. But Annie had a stuttering problem and at times couldn’t finish a sentence. She has refused to let the Vice President and the press come in.

13

Then they get word that the flight has been cancelled. I don’t think there’s a scene where any of the guys is more manly than John Glenn is here. Clip: The Right Stuff .26-3.23 I want to be that guy. And your wife wants you to be that guy. Create a place in your life and in your heart where your wife knows that she is safe and secure. As a devoted husband, you must 3. STRIVE TO UNDERSTAND YOUR WIFE. I know this is a tough one. What she wants, how she thinks, how she communicates, how she expresses her emotions, how she tells you one thing and expects you to pull out some kind of magic decoder ring and realize she means the exact opposite, it probably all makes sense in some kind of alternative bizarro universe, but it’s hard to figure out for normal people. I get that this is a tough one. But this isn’t my command. It’s God’s. 1 Peter 3.7: In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. The Greek word for “understanding” here carries with it the idea of possessing insight and tactfulness.

14

There’s much that could be said here. But the point is that no one likes being misunderstood or criticized for the way they think, communicate or feel. Some translations instead of using the phrase “with understanding” use the phrase “with consideration.” That doesn’t mean treat your wife politely, but before you respond to her, consider what she might really need and what she is actually trying to communicate. Yes, a devoted husband will become a student of his wife, trying to understand what makes her feel loved, what makes her feel understood and secure, and what makes her feel emotionally close and connected to him. There’s more here than we can address, but I will point you to one resource. It’s Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages. Dr. Chapman contends that there are five basic ways that couples express and receive love. Each partner in a marriage has a love language – a primary way he or she receives love. And the best way for a man to help his wife feel loved is to speak her language. What are they? 1. Words of affirmation. Compliments; words of praise; telling your wife how good she looks, what a great job she has done, how much she means to you; words of encouragement and empathy.

15

2. Quality time. Going for a walk. Sitting down at dinner without the TV on, talking about your day. Meeting for lunch. Playing games with her and the kids. A time away, just the two of you. Times when she has your undivided attention and the two of you can have a quality conversation. Something that tells your wife she is a priority in your schedule and in your heart – that you enjoy being with her. 3. Receiving gifts. Big or small, but something that says I have noticed what you like. When you looked in the store window and said, “I love that scarf,” I heard you. The things she collects. The little luxuries she doesn’t usually buy for yourself – a massage, flowers, a trip to the spa, a piece of jewelry. Some women love gifts – especially gifts that say “I noticed you and I get you.” 4. Acts of Service. Keeping her car clean and in good repair. Doing the dishes or cooking dinner. Taking on the chore that she most hates.

16

Ask her to make her ultimate to do list, and get going on it. And do it with a smile as if you are doing it for someone you love and value. 5. Physical Touch Affectionate, nonsexual touch. Everything from holding hands, to good morning hugs, to a kiss on the way out the door, to the dreaded back massage. For some women, this is emotional life and death. Chapman writes that some women sense love and affection in the slightest arm squeeze or back caress. Gary Chapman: Physical contact that wouldn’t even register with most people has the potential to thrill her (the woman whose primary love language is touch), change her mood, brighten her day and … make her feel loved and cared for. … Likewise the withholding of physical touch by those closest to her has the potential to cause her more pain and anxiety than most nonnative speakers of her love language can imagine. And giving this gift is especially important in times when your wife is feeling stress. Too often we give our spouse love in the way we like to receive it. When we do that, we’re asking her to understand us, when as devoted husbands our responsibility is to understand her. So, here’s an idea. Show her these notes and ask her which of these is her primary love language. She may have a couple.

17

If she wants all five, tell her not to be greedy, you’re just one man, and that being ordered about by a demanding shrew is not your love language. Or you could ask her, which two would be her highest priorities. Here’s a common complaint I hear from men. I just don’t get my wife. I don’t understand her and I don’t know what she wants. Ok. I already said that husbands and wives are often dissimilar and we speak very different languages. But it’s your job, as a devoted husband, it’s your job to become a student of your wife and to try to understand her needs and her love language. If I told you, “If you learn Italian enough to be conversant in one year, I’ll give you $100,000,” do you think you could do it? What’s worth more: 100k or a marriage that is a blessing to your wife and to you? I bet if you want to, you can figure out your wife’s love language and understand her needs well enough to meet them. 4. BE KIND TO YOUR WIFE. I’m thinking in particular with our words. Here’s an example of what not to do.

18

This is Will Farrell accepting the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. After thanking many people who have aided his success, he now turns to his wife. Clip: Will Farrell Mark Twain acceptance speech 8.27-10.00 Ok, now something serious. I have been absolutely shocked and saddened to hear how some couples speak to each other. Good Christian folks. When they get angry with their spouses, in my office when they’re talking about their problems, they use foul language and call each other cruel names that cut deeply and that may never be forgotten. It’s not just wrong and unbecoming on the lips of God’s people, it’s mean and it’s cruel. And it undercuts the trust and respect that make good marriages possible. Genesis 2 tells us that marriage produces one flesh from two persons. Ephesians 5.28 says Ephesians 5.28: He who loves his wife loves himself. In marriage, what you do for your spouse, you do for yourself; what you to your spouse, you do to yourself. That means if you let your discussion become an argument, and if you win and your spouse loses – you lose.

19

If your spouse goes away wounded, you go away wounded, whether you feel it or not, and so does your marriage. Research has found the number one factor that tears couples apart. Want to guess what it is? It’s contempt. Looking down on someone, dismissing their thoughts and their concerns. Discounting and disregarding someone or something that should be taken into account. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it's not there. What glues a couple together? Kindness. Simply being kind to each other is one of the greatest factors in keeping a couple together and happy. That’s what the researchers found makes a huge different. Kind words. Affectionate names, thank you and please, little compliments, Saying, “You were right; I was wrong.” We can have differences in our marriage. We can and should talk about them, even when they’re difficult. But once you turn it into win-lose, you lose even if you win.

20

Once your face expresses contempt and your words convey cruelty, you’re on a dangerous path. Be gentle with each other. Your wife is God’s daughter, and he wants her treated with kindness and respect. 5. SHARE YOUR LIFE WITH YOUR WIFE. What I mean is: let your wife into your hopes and your fears, your dreams and your insecurities. Your wife married you because she wanted to make a life with you. She really believed this stuff about two becoming one. Be brave enough to be vulnerable and talk about your disappointments and your hurts. She wants to know you and she wants you to know her. She didn’t marry you to be alone, she married you to share a life. Last clip. Shall We Dance is the story of John Clark, a lawyer with a charming wife and loving family. Nevertheless, John feels something missing in his life. Each evening on his commute home, John sees a beautiful woman, staring through the window of a dance studio. Haunted by her gaze, John impulsively jumps off the train one night and signs up for dance lessons.

21

John’s lessons are every Wednesday night, which causes him to arrive home late. John is faithful to his wife, but he has decided not to tell his family about his new interest in ballroom dancing, which leaves his wife suspicious. She hires a private investigator to check up on John. At one of their meeting she talks to the detective about marriage. Clip: Shall We Dance Most of us – that’s our wives. They want to know us. And they want us to know them. They want to share a life with us and know that they have mattered to someone who loves them and is devoted to them. Not always easy, but that’s who we are meant to be.