Lesson Mania! Chronological & Categorical Ed.

Lesson Mania!Written by Michael Aaron Reyes

Emperor of Piemerica© 1998-2006 Michael Reyes, Piemerica

I

PART ONELessons Chronological

ContentsPreface- The History of LessonsPART ONE- Lessons Chronological 1Chapter 1- Lessons 2001 21-A Lessons 2001 Part I 21-B Lessons 2001 Part II- Lesson Mania Week 2001 81-C Lessons 2001 Part III 10Chapter 2- Lessons 2002 132-A Lessons 2002 Part I 132-B Lessons 2002 Part II- Lesson Mania Week 2002 182-C Lessons 2002 Part III 232-D Lessons 2002 Part IV- Epic Lesson 292-E Lessons 2002 Part V 30Chapter 3- Lessons 2003 423-A Lessons 2003 Part I 423-B Lessons 2003 Part II- Lesson Mania Week 2003 463-C Lessons 2003 Part III 51Chapter 4- Lessons 2004 534-A Lessons 2004 Part I 534-B Lessons 2004 Part II- Lesson Mania Week 2004 564-C Lessons 2004 Part III 59Chapter 5- Lessons 2005 695-A Lessons 2005 Part I 695-B Lessons 2005 Part II- Lesson Mania Week 2005 735-C Lessons 2005 Part III 86Chapter 6- Lessons 2006 946-A Lessons 2006 Part I- Lesson Mania Week 2006 946-B Lessons 2006 Part II- Book Exclusive Lessons 98Top Lessons 108PART TWO- Lessons Categorical Contents 109

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PART TWOLessons Categorical

Contents61 Categories

Advice 110 Injury 190 Animals 114 Intelligence 193 Ascending & Descending 118 Learning 194 Bad Smells 119 Lesson Lessons 195 Battle of the Sexes 121 Life 197 The Blues 122 Love 200 Clichès 123 Machines 202 Communication 128 Math 203 Corporate 133 Money 204 Crime 135 Music 209 Culture/Society 137 Nature 211 Death 140 Numbers & Letters 213 Digging/Dirt 144 Ominous 215 Drinking Books 145 Optimism 216 Drugs 146 People 217 Family 147 Pessimism 223 Fashion 149 Piemerica 223 Fear 152 Pop Culture References 224 Fire & Lots of It! 154 Religion 227 Food/Eating 156 Repetition 229 Friends 165 Sadness 230 Fun 167 School 232 Future 169 Senselessness 234 Games 170 Sleep 236 Giving 172 (The Joe) 238 Goals 174 Time/Age 240 Government 176 Transportation/Travel 245 History Lessons 178 Violence 251 Holiday Lessons 180 Weather 255 Inanimate Objects 182 Work 257 Informative 186 The End 259

III

PrefaceThe History of Lessons

Lessons were created by your author Emperor MAR, then known as (The Joe) through his organization of Piemerica. (The Joe)'s Lessons for the Day began January 22, 2001. The Principal of the school in which (The Joe) attended opened every school morning with a Thought for the Day, which were various famous quotes. Many of the school kids did not like the Thought for the Day & felt it to be stupid. (The Joe) decided that he could do better than all those famous quotes & be stupider at the same time. (The Joe) would present these Lessons live to friends & others each day. The first Lesson Don't play dead in a freshly dug grave. was a smash hit so he continued into oblivion with making Lessons. First known as (The Joe)'s Lesson for the Day from Jan. 22-Feb. 7 (The Joe) continually accidentally referred to them as both (The Joe)'s Lesson for the Day & (The Joe)'s Lesson of the Day, people were confused as to which it was so (The Joe) on Feb. 8 changed it to (The Joe)'s Lesson (o)f(or) the Day until Feb. 14. On Feb. 15 it was permanently changed to (The Joe)'s Lessons of/for the Day & said aloud as (The Joe)'s Lessons of for the Day. The first 2 weeks of Lessons were presented as Lessons alone. Somewhere in these 2 weeks (The Joe) decided to have companions to the lessons alternating for each day of the week. (The Joe) enlisted help for what each day should be from his friends MP no OC (P.O.C.) & Omaha Nebraska. P.O.C. suggested each Tuesday be a Flashback Edition of a lesson & Omaha Nebraska suggested Friday to be a Bible Scripture for the week. Both were accepted & started Feb. 5 & ended in Lesson Mania Week 2001.

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Lesson Mania Week began at the end of Lesson Mania Week. On Friday April 6, 2001 (The Joe) decided that there would be a Mania Month in every April which started with Lesson Mania Week so bonuses were added to the previous lessons of that week & many bonuses were added after that & the entire Lesson Mania Week was presented to people at once! Book Drinking Mania Week, Scripture Mania Week, & Finally Top 3 Mania Week were added to the only full Mania Month ever. The following years only Lesson Mania Week was done. After Mania Month Lessons & everything else had nearly fizzled out even the Flashback Edition. The remainder of the school year was finished with 12 Lessons. It was difficult to start lessons back in the next school year & from August 2001 until the end of the year only 8 Lessons were made. They were meant to be totally restarted but it did not happen. In 2002 Lessons were brought back & taken farther than ever before. Top 3s were also brought back sometimes. Though there weren't many done in the remainder of the school year there were still far more than in the end of 2001. Piemerica officially presented the first 2 lessons of 2002. On Feb. 1, 2002 Piemerica got a website & Lessons were some of the first things to be put on it & were mentioned in the first e-mail about it. Lessons were a great way to attract people to the site & were easy to put on it. The only Lessons done in April were done for Lesson Mania Week 2002, which may have been the funniest Mania of them all. Some leaving high school seniors even used a lesson as their leaving advice in the school paper, although they did not credit (The Joe). One lesson used was “Don't polish a matchbook with gasoline.” Which was presented in Lesson Mania Week. It is believed that they got the Lessons from the website & not from (The Joe) presenting it to them. The next school year & final year for (The Joe) was a year of Lessons like never before. Every day that

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semester except the first day, (The Joe) gave at least one Lesson each day sometimes 2 & at times alter-ego Catastrosphere would pitch some Tips in as well. On Sept. 16, 2002 Epic Lesson was made which is the longest Lesson of all time. There was a Lesson every day of the week from Aug. 13 until Dec. 31, 2002. The Lesson streak ended Jan. 5, 2003 with 146 consecutive days with Lessons. (The Joe) ended the streak because he had found many lessons to be getting monotonous & for the sake of lesson quality (The Joe) decided to stop daily lessons. There were many Lessons from Feb-May however. Lesson Mania Week was put at the End of April & beginning of May so that it would be in (The Joe)'s last full school week as a huge Lesson Mania Blow Out!!! After this it was decided that because of the decline of (The Joe)'s existence that (The Joe)'s Lessons of/for the Day would become Piemerica's Lesson of/for the Day, because Emperor MAR would be writing nearly all of the lessons from then on. There were very little lessons done in June & July of 2003. Lessons made a small comeback, as did Piemerica with its new ad-free site in August of 2003. There were 9 consecutive lessons made in August of 2003 & after that none. In March of 2004 Lessons were go again seeing that they are a simple & fun way to update the site. There was also a Lesson Mania Week 2004, which didn't gun for out doing the previous year in number. This Lesson Mania Week was included as part of Maynia Month which switched the month to May. From there lessons still continued when ones were dreamed up. On August 20, 2004 it was decided that lessons needed a revamping in style seeing that many began with the words: if, when, or don't & many were play on words. The new style is to be informative & funny in anyway possible except the previously used. Also it was to set for that less funny lessons would not be lone on days but rather go with better ones on the same day.

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Eventually the new style fizzled out & just any old thing was used as a lesson as usual. Lesson Mania Week 2005 came at the first full week of Piemerica coming back online & due to the month plus off there were far more lessons than ever. While no longer on the internet work began on designing this book in late 2005. In July 2006 after months of Piemerica being offline again Lessons 2006 started off with Lesson Mania Week 2006. Following Lesson Mania Week 2006 exclusive lessons were written for this book and the book was assembled, edited and so forth. Now here is the knowledge of Piemerica iced for the drinking (ice not included).

VII

PART ONELessons Chronological

ContentsPART ONE- Lessons Chronological Contents 1Chapter 1- Lessons 2001 21-A Lessons 2001 Part I 21-B Lessons 2001 Part II- Lesson Mania Week 2001 81-C Lessons 2001 Part III 10Chapter 2- Lessons 2002 132-A Lessons 2002 Part I 132-B Lessons 2002 Part II- Lesson Mania Week 2002 182-C Lessons 2002 Part III 232-D Lessons 2002 Part IV- Epic Lesson 292-E Lessons 2002 Part V 30Chapter 3- Lessons 2003 423-A Lessons 2003 Part I 423-B Lessons 2003 Part II- Lesson Mania Week 2003 463-C Lessons 2003 Part III 51Chapter 4- Lessons 2004 534-A Lessons 2004 Part I 534-B Lessons 2004 Part II- Lesson Mania Week 2004 564-C Lessons 2004 Part III 59Chapter 5- Lessons 2005 695-A Lessons 2005 Part I 695-B Lessons 2005 Part II- Lesson Mania Week 2005 735-C Lessons 2005 Part III 86Chapter 6- Lessons 2006 946-A Lessons 2006 Part I- Lesson Mania Week 2006 946-B Lessons 2006 Part II- Book Exclusive Lessons 98Top Lessons 108PART TWO- Lessons Categorical Contents 109

1

Chapter 1-ALessons 2001

Part IJanuary

1/22/01Do not play dead in a freshly dug grave.

1/23/01If you are thinking about becoming a cannibal listen to this first. Human beings are not made in factories & are not manufactured in flavors.

1/24/01When attempting to accomplish a goal don't set it for a particular time. Then you'll have a good excuse for not doing it yet.

1/25/01Remember a picture is worth a thousand words, not a picture can say a thousand words. So stop torturing them in your cellar.

1/29/01When properly observing a stop sign. You do not need a go sign to proceed (after the stop).

1/30/01When playing a game of hide & go seek, no matter which position you are in, it is best to get up & walk away.

1/31/01It has been said, "When all else fails try Jesus." But if he succeeds why not try Him first?

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February2/1/01Yelling at fish may make them flee but yelling at apples will make them fall off that tree. At least it worked for Mr. T.

2/2/01When someone tells you it’s good to give, they are not talking about savage beatings or other violent acts.

2/3/01When seeing a plastic bag blow in the wind, don't go after it because it’s usually blowing across the heavily trafficated road.

2/4/01Trees grow faster when they're small.

2/5/01Hiring a thug may help someone to get savagely beaten. Hiring a mug may help someone to drink something after they've eaten.

2/6/01 Flashback EditionFood taste good, Results only occur when eaten.

2/7/01If you think you're ever wearing red glasses & don't remember putting them on you might be bleeding through the eye.

2/8/01Remember those cans in the garage aren't melted ice cream. No matter how many colors & wooden spoons there are.

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2/9/01Microwaves are not robots, so they do not count as dependents on tax forms, even if you do feed it everyday.

2/12/01You can't peel a carrot with an ice cube.

2/13/01 Flashback EditionThey say that Jon Shaft is a bad mother. Although Jon Shaft is not a woman and has no children.

2/14/01Disease Jelly is not a good Valentine's Day gift.

2/15/01You can run for position of Judge at any age.

2/16/01When using an appliance sure the start button may seem like a good way to use it but what about the on button?

2/17/01Eat bread it make glass shine.

2/20/01 Flashback EditionIt is nearly over when All that is left are dime lickers & envelope glue addicts. It is completely over when people begin to eat crackers on TOAST!

2/21/01If someone asks a group of people “Is everything ok?” the person who is not ok probably can't answer due to not being ok.

2/22/01If it is raining at night & you go out for a stroll in the sunshine, it won't work.

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2/23/01When going on a car trip the best way to ensure you get there is keep enough gas in it to not run out.

2/26/01Just because you can work on the railroad doesn’t mean you can whistle.

2/27/01 Flashback EditionHoop does not mean pick.

2/28/01When someone gives you a gift it is better to not repay them, than to lock them in your basement, feed them nothing but bow ties until they say "I admit I'm a leprechaun."

March3/1/01When typing etc. etc. A dragon won't fit in a chair Droor.

3/2/01Squirrels, no steam in the window.

3/3/01Tasting cobblestones is not a good way to become popular among the fishes.

3/4/01Constantly simulating Lawns does not make you Catastrosphere, because you are not Ultimate at doing it.

3/5/01Asking someone to do something & them doing it is never sure. Getting someone to run when you poo something will get them out that door.

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3/6/01 Flashback EditionYou can't put a porcupine in a barn, light it on fire and expect it to make licorice. -Ross Perot 1996

3/7/01If you ever become a sailor & use a map remember the real land doesn’t have its name written on it.

3/8/01If you say "hey look at me" beware for one of the people there may stalk you for the rest of your life.

3/9/01Keep in mind your shampoo is scented not flavored.

3/19/01A writing utensil is not something you use to talk to your food with; when your parents tell you to be quiet at the dinner table.

3/20/01 Flashback EditionPie taste good and can be shared by all.

3/21/01Getting lost in the woods at night can show you how much of a man you are. It can also show you how much of a man you aren't.

3/22/01Not experiencing life full enough? Want to feel the happiness of a steady job & the thrill of quitting? Then get 2 identical jobs, just at different companies. Work at them for 5 years simultaneously. Quit one & you'll still have a steady job but also the thrill of quitting.

3/23/01Handles are not considered a sand.

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3/26/01If a potato wedge had arms it would probably try to punch you a couple of times before you eat it, but you wouldn't care since it had no hands.

3/27/01 Flashback EditionSlack Jawed Yokels' Huking can raise self-esteem in decent human beings.

3/28/01If you are going to Alabama & don't have a sand box you may or may not be in trouble.

3/29/01If driving & you take a wrong street the 2 best ways to get back are:1. Drive recklessly across people's lawns.2. Park in someone's garage & loiter soliciting as much as possible.

3/30/01When in a race fall down & yell, “Help!” to slow the others down.

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Chapter 1-BLessons 2001

Part IILesson Mania Week 2001

4/2/01-4/6/0118 Lessons

4/2/01If you have been vitally injured & the only person to help you is your moron friend who has to call 411 to get the # for 911 you probably won't live through the night.

Even a simple container busts when poorly smashed.

Mastering the game of golf is difficult, but not as difficult as breathing (in outer space).

4/3/01 Flash Forward Edition: 2036 PiemericaThese new jet packs going around may seem fun but they can give you cancer if you crash into a cancer-testing center.

Three-Day Flashback EditionThe only way I know to get out of a cage is not getting in it.

???Taking residence in a shoe improves can lake cord have seat blast crop ham yacht bone valid activity.

4/4/01 Catastrosphere's LessonIf trying to train a German Shepard it is easier when not wearing a suit made of meat.

Drinking Books cannot buy you a house. Drinking books can however get you thrown into a mental ward.

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4/5/01Hands are no match for zcalvs, the 1,600 B.C. name for hands.

4/6/01A chemical reaction

If you are looking for answers first you need questions.

Cars cannot fly so stay away from that downed bridge.

BONUS Lessons!!!16%

Busy People have a problem with not being able to turn into sugar.

Cats can see at night, by this I conclude many people sleep at night.

Paint does not wash windows well.

Cans don't bleed unless they are full of blood.

Giant rocks can't swim.

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Chapter 1-CLessons 2001

Part IIIApril

4/30/01The only way to truly lye on a bridge is to get hit by a car. Then you are lying flat on the bridge.

May5/1/01The fastest way to pass 2 hours is to set your clock wrong & walk by.

5/2/01Just tell yourself you made it. Then if you loose you won't feel as bad because you think you were already there.

5/3/01A lesson of/for the day is good for teaching & getting people to say go away.

5/4/01Giant trees with tennis racquets do not grow in indoor gardens.

5/7/01If someone takes something of yours & puts it in a light plastic bag, with a lock on it, rip the lock off the bag & look inside because there's probably a key to the lock in the bag.

5/8/01The chemical make-up of soap is very feeble. In other words don't wash an orange.

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5/9/01Just because you make something doesn't mean you own it. This especially goes for factory workers.

5/10/01An air crash doesn't make a plane go faster. So don't try to blow one up if you're late.

5/11/01Candles are useful to light up the night. Candles are not useful to light up the night where a gas mane ruptured.

5/14/01The micro-cultures of this world will not stand for our ruling over them with soap. This is because they don't have legs.

5/15/01Soup is hot when heated. The garden looks good when weeded. Pork does not have seed in it.

August8/21/01Why do people complain when something is on their head? If someone drops a hat from a 5 story building onto your head, you would just be like "hey a free hat." But if someone drops a brick from the same building on your head, you would just be like "ow! I'm in hideous pain" or knocked unconscious.

September9/14/01Cheese can be yellow, orange, white, green, & blue. In times like 7:35 A.M. Friday, September 14, 2001 A.D. we need to know what color cheese is, but alas that time has passed.

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9/24/01Of course you wouldn't understand because you're not as civilized as i am ... maaa hew hul huk.

October10/8/01Some people will never learn. The sad thing is most of those people go to school.

10/12/01If you can't have fun you got to make it.

10/22/01For some reason every time I think of the words 'getting hit by a car' I think of October 22, 2001.

10/23/01If you're ever playing a game play dumb that way, though you may loose, you won't feel stupid.

December12/12/01If you're ever walking down the hallway & you start flying you're not walking anymore. (pause) You're running.

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Part IJanuary

1/14/02Don't live in the slums become a bum.

1/15/02If you're ever angry because you're stuck in traffic. Just laugh it off unless that laugh is a maniacal laugh.

1/16/02Generals can't do usual things.

1/17/02WARNING this lesson is one of the most important & truthful lessons we've ever had. We here at Piemerica realize that's not saying much but anyway:Omaha Nebraska is not a legend!

1/18/02It is said, "when you hear a whistle blow snap into action" but I say "no, because snapping into action could cause permanent bone damage."

1/28/02If you ever get the feeling that you're going to get your legs broken, running wildly with your eyes closed won't prove otherwise.

1/29/02Lesson written 9/4/01 for journal"...sharks can be a delightful friend, in cartoons. It wouldn't bother me much if a shark came after me in the water. I can't swim so there is a .001% chance of it saving my life.... My tip is to swim with fish & let them get eaten."

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1/30/02If the 1st gear won't turn & the 2nd gear won't turn, the 3rd gear isn't going to listen to you either.

1/31/02When using a ladle ah forgit it just don't fill up your lawn with intellectual cones.

February2/1/02Ya c dahts de problem with you kids today, you get bored too easy. (The Joe) only gets bored when there's nothing to eat.

2/4/02Ever heard of a sleepwalker? No. That's because they try not to wake anyone up.

2/5/02If anyone ever tells you to put on a happy face & you see someone smiling & decide to rip their face off they nor their face will be happy anymore.

2/13/02If you ever get to the point where you can't take it anymore.... give it out.

2/15/02Think Positively!"I always fail to succeed, unless I succeed to fail"

2/19/02A lesson for the AgesIt’s hot when summer rolls around so: Killing in cold blood won't cool you off & If you ever say to yourself "animals shed fur to cool off maybe I should shed blood" Well, don't give it a second thought or else you might do it twice.

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2/20/02Catastrosphere's Lost LessonIf anyone ever says to you 'How are you doing today?' in the morning, just say 'It is too early in the day to properly evaluate this question.'

2/21/02If you take away the 'y' in "It’s all your fault" "it’s all our fault"

2/25/02Don't know the difference of past, present, & future? Here you go:Past- Something in front of youPresent- a form of giftFuture- a small amount of ture

2/26/02M.A.R.'S Lesson for Pie Inc. DayGetting so mad that you could dig until you find dirt isn't getting mad at all so since you're not mad celebrate Pie Inc. Day & eat a pie.

2/27/02Treading on thin ice is much more dangerous than walking on it.

2/28/02 -by MARIf you have a music band that is doing poorly, buying a box of band-aids won't help them. You need Neosporin®

March3/1/02 -by MARWheezing is not a good reason to rip off your eyebrows, grape juice stain a window seal, & then take your car back & forth through a toll booth just to get change for your brick brained snowman when its shoes bake in the oven for 4 ticks of a land mine.

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3/2/02 -by MARHumans have skin, Robots have tin, Time has when.

3/3/02 -by MARLight Bulbs = Pro FitsSo don't come whining to me.

3/5/02People rarely pass up a golden opportunity. That's because it’s so valuable.

3/6/02Stop being pessimistic!Don't think of them as empty threats (promises). Think of them as unfulfilled threats (promises).

3/7/02The cure to being poor is to get more.

3/12/02It’s always better to take a short cut, unless it involves the mob.

3/13/02When there's nothing left to do dance!Cause dancing will cheer anybody up....except the cripple.

3/15/02If someone says to you "I have to get a drink to water" you may think them at fault thinking they meant to say, "I have to get a drink of water" but if they are talking about kool-aid or a dry mix drink. Then you are at fault if you point that out.

3/16/02Meetings are fleeting without eating.

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3/17/02Crazy? I'd have to be crazy to think I'm not crazy! In short, I don't think I'm crazy.

3/27/02Safety=Danger

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4/7/02-4/13/0248 Lessons

4/7/02Old mayonnaise may be wiser than new mayonnaise but new mayonnaise won't give a life defying disease.

Signs that say, "soliciting not welcome" do not prohibit soliciting. It just means the people are impolite.

4/8/02If your cry'n so much you're die'n drink some water.

Shoes protect your feet but they aren't good to eat unless they're filled with food.

If your ever find yourself in a tree & you want to get out of it just make sure you don't C a B or else it'll be a different letter.

If you're gonna kill make sure to thrill. That way people won't get as mad.

Feeling dirty? Then get off your soapbox because that's where your soap is.

4/9/02 Flash Forward Edition!:You may think that tele vision is going away but you probably haven't heard of the new hypnotic contact lenses.

Popsicles will never stop being popular unless the name is changed.

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Whenever you think to yourself "the only way to sop is with a mop?" You should think, "I'm an idiot with no life because why should I ask myself a statement that's so true."

Flash Forward EditionComputers are afraid of dogs because in a way they have become mailmen.

When fishing with a pinecone there's always gonna be a little bit of sorrow from the seal.

If you're going to put on a purple noose at least try to look stylish.

4/10/02If someone asks you to go fencing with them & you bring your sword. Just run the guy through for being so culturally insensitive.

Hailing a cab is sacrilegious.

When a baby leaks some call it an accident. When a car leaks the hole is plugged.

If you cover your ears before something loud happens w-ho are you to tell the future?

You're really selfish when you don't even share coughs & sneezes.

4/11/02I trained the train to run me over. I was sad to see it go.

It is impossible to stand at the end of a line because a line never ends.

You like lessOns? Well I'll tell you one thing that won't lessEn...my weight.

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If 47 plateaus won't make you smile... then you probably don't like plateaus.

When you are sick here's a trick "eat poison"

Getting hit in the head with a hammer & not getting a headache usually means you are no longer alive.

Almond sized teapots do not contain plant ripped mobile homes, just stationary.

Rock malfunction? There's nothing you can do.

4/12/02If ever walking down the street & a bum begins talking, hurry away for it will stink there soon.

When someone says "bombs away" there's no need to worry bombs are not near.

Attempting to do something is not hard. Being successful at doing that is.

Fortune cookies will not make one rich unless the fortune says, "you will become rich" not "your well became wretch."

If storing corn in a shed don't shed the corn 1st.

Paranoid people need not worry about aliens enslaving the entire human race as long as they do not run in competitiveness.

Making a time machine is easy. Take apart a clock & put it back together.

Planting a radish garden? Make sure to not use varnish soaked landmines.

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If you think winter is cold just wait till after fall then it will be cold.

Rabbit sculptures look like rabbits but if carved up enough will look as something else.

Someone ever tell you to "clean up that spill' but you don't see a spill. Spill something on them. Then they'll say, "This bucket of rice develops faster than film. After all soft celery does clean up in an random assortment. Picking up the slime coat of a single pant. Rhetorical rock pile sat up in bluish gloom of a crane kite monolithic memory...." Wait, that's if (The Joe) talks to you.

4/13/02Take a map of your nap you'll be surprised where you have gone.

Organizing a mile's worth of dirt is a pointless task.

Walking on a rafter will make you feel alive unless you stop walking the bad way.

Don't go on a trip because public urination is illegal.

Don't polish a matchbook with gasoline.

Don't let a pouch scare you. Only be afraid of 2 pouches.

Living in a buffer zone is dangerous when laying down.

Wrinkled pieces of paper aren't old they just smoke a lot.

Don't shoot a canteen it’s frightened by flashes.

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If you break something before you get it wet, the water won't hurt it.

If a thug draws a knife on you wash it off.

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Part IIIMay

5/8/02If you ever wonder where you'll end up, the answer is:Wherever you find money on the ground.

5/9/02You know someone is nice when they say thank you twice.

August8/13/02If you try to fight the urge to fight, you've already lost.

8/14/02You can tell the tree to stand up but if you tell it to sit down it won't.So don't talk to trees, you picture torturing cellar monger.

8/15/02Digging a small hole & filling it with water is a waste of time, if you intend it to be put on a map, unless you're drawing your own map.

8/16/02Thinking about the future is important but don't think of the future as if you will live a million years more.

8/17/02If balloons caused salad bars to serve meat, I'd be like "stop calling it a salad bar"

8/18/02If my bottle cap wore a snowshoe it'd be put on tv If I wore a second one I'd be jumped by a flea.

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8/19/02If there were evil corporate businesses that secretly ran our country.. whoops! too late for this lesson!

If today is a good day, today will always be a good day because today only happens once.

8/20/02If you say something is still cool it could mean it’s frozen.

The less you do the more you get done, (because you're either starting or finishing).

8/21/02Start the week off on the right foot.Just make sure you use the other during the week else you'll have trouble.

Catastrosphere's Tip:Like to cut loose at social events?Be sure you don't cut loose your spinal cord.

8/22/02Over confidence can be bad, such as, "I can walk off a cliff with out falling."

Catastrosphere's Tip:Boiling soup too long can cause it to evaporate.To prevent this put a pot on the ceiling above also.

8/23/02If your zipper ever gets stuck use a zip code.

Catastrosphere's Tip:When starting the engine of your car always be aware that someone may have planted...a tree in your driveway.

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8/24/02Controlling wall rust can be a difficult task just clean a certain area & the rust may form around it.

8/25/02Want money? Well don't get a job, just draw money likeness on paper & rub against real money to get the smell.This is called the placebo method.

8/26/02If someone tells you not to be afraid of monsters & then a big monster comes & steps on you because you weren't afraid, if you live tell the monster you know someone else that's not afraid of it.Following that give a depictive description of where this person is.

8/27/02Never give up your dreams because if you do you'll only have nightmares.

Flashback Edition:Nothing is ever the same in my wallet there's always change.

8/28/02Revenge can be sweet if coated in sugar.

Glass the other red meat.

8/29/02Don't like climbing stairs, then don't, so you can live a pitiful life.

If I had an ice sickle for every time I rowed a lampshade down my driveway,well you know the rest...

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8/30/02Sappy Edition:Being polite is like being a pole light, it brightens up the darkness.

Propaganda: Plyers+Liars=Buyers

8/31/02Having trouble getting past a moat? Use a boat.

September9/1/02At one point doing things the old fashioned way will seem new again.

9/2/02Emperor MAR's birthday was yesterday & today is Labor Day.

Don't be a crook, Drink a book.

Don't swallow a cactus b'cause if you do..How dumb are you people?!Do you really need this lesson?

9/3/02Don't wreck your car cause if you do you might end up with one less shoe.

MAR's Lesson:Using markers is dangerous just make sure they don't get on you or you'll become a marked man.

9/4/02Can't find your hat?Then get up on a ladder while wearing rhinestones,... it’s something to do!

MAR's Lesson:Eyes are more like 6 O's than 2 I's

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9/5/02Cellos aren't for camp'n.

9/6/02If you have a problem don't use an escalator.

9/7/02It’s ok to look at the sun at sunrise or sunset, just don't look at it in between.

9/8/02When in an emergency & one says, "stay calm"Then you think, "I'm not Calm, I'm blank name"You should panic so you get thrown out.

9/9/02If the last word someone ever says is shut up, they were talking to their self.

9/10/02There's always room for Jell-O,this means every building must have a room just for Jell-O or you'll be arrested.

9/11/02Anyone ever tell you to get off your high horse?Just say "but the horse is too high, I'll fall to my doom!"

9/12/02So many people won the lottery this week that each winner actually got less money than they paid for the ticket.People who participate in the lottery are used to losing money though.

If you ain't ate marbles since the 17th; you mind as well give up & jump in the sink.

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9/13/02Don't count your ice cream cones before you get em.If you do you'll have to count them again.

9/14/02If you like things that are shiny but don't like to shine them, look at the sun* (see 9/7/02 Lesson)

9/15/02Ever been told to blow up some balloons?If not then don't get in a jet plane & drop bombs, use firecrackers it’s cheaper.

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Chapter 2-DLessons 2002

Part IVEpic Lesson

9/16/02Epic Lesson The Longest Lesson of all Time When you ask someone "d'ya want to go sea a movie" & they say yes. Make them: get into a boat & drop a VHS tape, DVD, or BetaMaX tape into the water. Then laugh as you wasted everyone's time. Following that, brace yourself for getting pushed out of the boat. When arriving at shore realizing the movie washed up before you pick it up & do the same with another person. If you don't get pushed out of the boat, use a mop as a paddle. Realizing the mop gets heavier as it sops up more water bring the mop back in the boat & ring it out inside. Repeating these steps you should reach the falling out of boat part as above. This time say "lets go watch a movie" go to England to Rude Alf's Watch Making Shop & as the person says to you "don't go to sleep at night" have a pillow mysteriously appear out of thin air & go to sleep in the daytime. Waking up you find yourself in the secret cave of Batman. Wandering around, by staying still, you eventually become to understand it’s the trunk of an automobile. Getting let out of the trunk you find it to be the year 2091 & you've been sold to the Good Teethed Mafia of England. In a clever Idea ask them if they want to go sea a movie. They stare blankly at you not knowing what a movie is. Throwing soap into their eyes you find them to be androids, being as how no Englishmen could have good teeth. Knowing their secret you now own them & proceed to rule the world.

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Chapter 2-ELessons 2002

Part V9/16/02Carrots aren't stacked on the moon

The longest lesson ever is the longest lesson ever.

9/17/02The cows will come home when pigs fly because the pigs will show them the way.

9/18/02If you want to discover something new, buy a new item put it under your blanket & take your blanket off.

If you don't want the mailman to know where you live, kill yourself.

9/19/02A good idea can take you a long way if the idea involves transportation.

9/20/02If you want to accomplish something do nothing then people will say, "He/she accomplished nothing" This way failure is not an option.

9/21/02Don't learn from your mistakes because they are mistakes they don't know what they are talking about.

9/22/02Are you feeling low because it’s the 22nd, well cheer up.I'm sure your ceiling feels worse.

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9/23/02If you think pulling a ribbon out into a snowstorm will help you..manufacture boxes, you're right. It’s a big secret.

9/24/02People with terminal diseases should fight crime, they don't know when they're gonna die anyway.

9/25/02When you like to make yourself dizzy but don't like being queasy, change your name.

9/26/02 You should have to pay every time you look at a billboard.

9/27/02Sarcasm is negative positivity. Lies are positive negativity.

9/28/02Knowledge unapplied is useless, so if you're lazy don't learn because you're not gonna use it anyway.

9/29/02The bird chirps.The man burps.

9/30/0214% of people who want to be fire fighters actually take boxing gloves & light buildings on fire to fight it.Then they get thrown in jail for arson.. sad.

October10/1/02Getting diseases in can openers is not common unless you open cans filled with disease, also this lesson sucks.

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10/2/02Don't mow your lawn chair.

10/3/02Never mix a lanthanide with a pellet suit maple lengthener.

10/4/02Ever wonder why it is said, 'fight fire with fire' well..Fire is mad & lonely everything fire touches burns, it has no friends so if you fight fire with fire, fire will be like "Fire a new friend!" then fire will be happy and won't bother you.

10/5/02I don't have any bad grades, they just don't know the difference between right & wrong.

10/6/02If you're dumb and crazy, you should be a bum and lazy.

Don't make soup without an acorn.

10/7/02If you're walking on the sidewalk you shouldn't walk sideways you should get a Savage Beating.

10/8/02Poke a staircase in the lid it might open.

10/9/02If it’s cold outside & you don't have the month of May, buy a new calendar

10/10/02Glue & nails don't mix, they fix.

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10/11/02If you ever get on a really slow escalator it’s probably stairs.

10/12/02Beware of whole kernel corn for it may wage war against you.

10/13/02If you don't want your bills to be sky-high, stop them before they get on that plane.

10/14/02Don't paint your watermelon yellow & put it into underground lemon fights.They know it’s a watermelon.

10/15/02You know why aliens aren't around anymore?Because, they used tortoises as laborer's & when we found out we laughed at them. Now they're too ashamed to show their faces.

10/16/02Remember if you ever get your leg caught in a bag rinsing it will get the bag wet.

10/17/02When one has learned all there is to learn, one should bash one's head in to learn again.

10/18/02Tired of wearing the same old clothes?Well you ain't getting any money from me!

10/19/02If you ever find a superhero's cape think to yourself"Do I know of any superheroes with magical capes?"If not give it back because the superhero will consider you a villain for having its cape & you'll get beat up.

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10/20/02Broke your leg? Well why not break the other one? You can't walk any way.

10/21/02Try to fall out of a tree when you're not in a tree. It’s fun.

10/22/02Put your toaster on a poster. Try to sell it, fail.

10/23/02If someone tells someone else to 'duck' & they go about talking about push brooms, back slowly out of the door or window.

10/24/02If you think starlight is the only light at night, you should get electricity.

10/25/02When you have a canopy & someone says "eew! you have a can of pee!"Tell them "The wrench won't split for a dime wafer" & push them off your porch.

10/26/02Digging something up can be exciting & illegal.

10/27/02 Terrible Lesson:If you can't tell your A from your B or your 1 from your 2,move them closer or use a phone.

10/28/02Spooky things happen if you let platypuses vote.

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10/29/02There are ghosts from coast to coast.Actually there are not but if you believed it you are stupid.

10/30/02If you really want a scary costume this Halloween, don't dress up, dress down.

10/31/02The Ultimate Prank to pull on Halloween is to be good.-A Message from Adults Everywhere

November11/1/02Have a neighborhood party where everybody rings their doorbells & knocks on their doors to a hep beat & then get dowN!

11/2/02If you set meat on fire it’s called grilling but if you set anything else on fire it’s called arson.

11/3/02Cheese don't say please, so don't be mad if it’s impolite.

11/4/02In this crime filled world today, You don't need to lock your doors, nobody wants to go to your house.

11/5/02Today is Tuesday. I'm sure some of you needed to know that.

11/6/02When the noose becomes the latest fashion it won't last long. wink wink

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11/7/02Buy a big box of ribbons & keep them as long you can. That way if ribbons ever become scarce you'll be the richest person in the world.

11/8/02The proper way to handle anger is with a handle, duh!

11/9/02Television is a perfect way to learn.. about bad acting.

11/10/02If you point a camera at a shoe store, it will leave.Also 500 miles of sludge is infirmed to 8 admonishing turbos.

11/11/02If you reach for the stars & don't reach them you're lucky because stars are hot & can hurt.

11/12/02If you reach for the stars you are a stalker.

11/13/02The only reason the U.S. is the world's best country is because Godzilla keeps destroying Japan.

11/14/02The ocean is a troubling place to be if you can't swim.Milk is a terrible thing if skim.

11/15/02Old people have adventures with their dentures.No wait, they're just senile.

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11/16/02Stupid people are like goopkeinivot, they make no sense.

11/17/02Ugly people are like sunlight they are nice to have around but you don't want to look directly at them.

11/18/02If you've never met (The Joe) you don't know what you are missing & trust me you don't want to know.

11/19/02You can fit an elf on a shelf.

11/20/02Abolish crate curves, soda lunger.

11/21/02Talk is cheap, unless you are a television psychic.

11/22/02If the couch says "owch" there's something in it.

11/23/02If somebody says, "if you ask me.." & nobody asked them.They got no business talk'n.

11/24/02Only smart people need be afraid of headshrinkers.

11/25/02Thieves maybe able to steal your material possessions but they can't steal your sadness &/or anger.

11/26/02Tourists can be annoying, but don't blame them for not being from your country, blame their despotic ruler.

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11/27/02Bees are nice if you give them honey.Bees are mice if you dress them funny.

11/28/02If you want to have Thanksgiving for a living be a 'yes man' or 'yes woman'

11/29/02Scared of life on other planets?Well you should be more scared of life on this planet.

11/30/02If you don't use deodorant, you truly love it.

December12/1/02Looking for a December to remember? Try not to see anything suspicious or the government will erase your memory again

12/2/02If you want to become physically fit you're reading the wrong guy's lesson.

12/3/02Be nice & brush your teeth, that way they won't chew you out.

12/4/02The ultimate wager in the game of poker is the wage of war.

12/5/02Gardens that grow very little should be called midget gardens.

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12/6/02One-day bedtime will take a new meaning. Beds will come alive & capture you, then forcing you to go to sleep, Bedtime will become dead time.

12/7/02You don't need a pillow. Just put your head in a pillowcase before you go to sleep. You'll never have to worry about waking up tired again (or at all..).

12/8/02The pen used to write nearly every lesson is near its end.What you say that's not a lesson?Well then yams & clams have something in common.They rhyme, quite obvious right?

12/9/02Leaves are sleeves.. on branches.

12/10/02People who are young don't like homework but older people want to work at home

12/11/02Just because your shirt has stitches doesn't mean you should get revenge on people that wear strawberries with sequins as necklaces.

12/12/02When someone says to you 'I never want to see U again' they'll have trouble reading.

12/13/02Get an old man who used to play a sport to play it again.If he says, "I'm a little rusty" report this to the government for they do not like androids. (Robots for you dumb people)

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12/14/02When paint is about to crack stand back because it may do something crazy!

12/15/02If your shirt is dirtier than dirt, start mocking dirt & then.. get thrown into an asylum for laughing at dirt.

12/16/02As bright as night I will never understand how board games entertain people

12/17/02Flashback Edition:Wait until the sun comes up & then go to sleep.

12/18/02Yes another Monotonous Lesson!If your paper turns to vapor, you've been writing on water dude!

12/19/02Yard work is hard work but not compared to rock smashing

12/20/02Actions speak louder than words.Words speak louder than silence although silence may have the most to say.

12/21/02If you're sad you should kick a can but not so hard that it kicks back.. & relaxes.

12/22/02When you're lost at sea don't bother me as if you could ha ha!

12/23/02If you wear a coat...whoops! that's all I wrote.

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12/24/02Want to give your kids a great presentGive them something they'll never forget but won't be able to remember,A savage beating.

12/25/02Christmas is about the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ not getting a swordand hunting mice. (by a sword & hunting mice we speak of a poor kid getting a dollar plastic sword and told "now you can hunt those mice like you always wanted to")

12/26/02When Someone tells you to "break a leg" it doesn't have to be yours.

12/27/02They should just make a faucet with a 3rd knob for warm.

12/28/02Fight a tree. Bite your knee. Stung by a bee.

12/29/02If you want someone out of your house put a welcome mat inside the house facing out the door as if to say "Welcome out" or just spray paint 'not' above the word 'welcome'.

12/30/02Monday is a fun day to complain.

12/31/02If you are really poor & can't afford a calendar just use the same one &be laughed at by all the people you know the whole year.

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Part IJanuary

1/1/03Semi-Flashback Edition:If you're looking for a New Year's Lesson you came to the wrong placebut remember this: Eat bread it make glass shine.

1/2/03Only drunks can truly make racial slurs.

1/3/03When the lessons are few & you don't know what to do, Drink a Book & rhyme, rhyme, something, something.

1/4/03When the wind blows:We should stop making lessons that rhyme they are a waste of time & make no sense like a jive talking mime.

1/5/03Sand is an important part of life so important that 2 colours runs.

February2/11/03Sticks & stones may break your bones but that doesn't mean your bones are made out of sticks so stop rubbing your hands together, Now!

2/12/03People that sneeze a lot are just trying to get blessed without being good.

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2/13/03Beware! Homeless people may have houses because a house is not a home.

2/14/03The best time to teach someone how to dance is when there is snow on the ground that way they can see all the steps.

2/15/03Life isn't about accomplishments. It’s about eating things that shouldn't go in your mouth but are still edible.

2/17/03Want to become president of something but just can't be elected?Well as long as you don't have original ideas you shouldn't have to.

2/19/03If you ever buy brown shoes but the other shoes of the same type aren't brown, there's a bum in the store.

2/20/03If anyone ever alludes to what will be written on your grave, don't argue for graffiti is always a possibility.

2/21/03I got some confess'n this ain't no lesson.

2/22/03When climbing a ladder here's a thing to remember.Don't climb a ladder up a tree after someone says "timber!"

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2/23/03It is Sunday there is a thing you must learn.Although it is called SUNday it does not mean things must burn.

2/24/03When packing a Christmas box you must remember, do not give it away until late December.

2/25/03Being forced to compete in the Olympics can be stressful....That is all.

2/26/03If you're ever caught in a blizzard.. paleontologist aren't for juggling.

2/27/03Let something drive you crazy.It’s better to be chauffeured than to drive yourself there.

2/28/03The perfect time to run in slow motion is when it’s windy out, that way it feels like you're really going fast.

March3/7/03When one thinks "I can't get any lower than this" better start digging.

3/12/03It is said "shut your mouth & open your ears" yet during disasters the opposite is done.

3/13/03Don't share pants with your shirt.

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3/14/03If a tree falls in the forest be glad you don't live in the forest.

3/15/03If you are afraid of lasers you should be afraid of phasers also.

3/16/03Making clothing out of cotton candy is not acceptable.

3/17/03When crossing the road, stop & think long & hard about your safety.

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4/27/03-5/3/0370 Lessons

April4/27/03Instead of being interesting I'm just resting.- >Legend<

If people's skulls were transparent some people would be embarrassed.

It’s easy to be a pickpocket just choose.

Never Invite the paparazzi to a party with balloons.

4/28/03The one thing the past has taught me is that time goes by.

The things I am reminded of the most are memories.

When I'm looking at my folder I have a paper view.

4/29/03If your puppet cries put it in the dryer.

Vampire bats make great hats. The problem is they want to be necklaces.

When planning for the future use a calendar.

When planning for the past.. don't plan for the past.

If your water cries throw it on the fire.

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An excellent way to start a diet is to eat glue.

When face to face with a dastardly salesman don't nod.

4/30/03Rituals can become ritualistic so spice it up by setting pepper on fire & throwing it in your face.

If you plan to eat turkey on thanksgiving, it’s been done.

When crashing a car on purpose remember you are crashing a car on purpose!

If bees had fleas I think I would sneeze.

The best time to catch a thief is daylight savings time say "Don't forget to give back my clock."

"Home is where the heart is" does not mean to cut out people's hearts & live there or sell them you real-estate agents you.

If tea isn't your cup of tea.. thermos maybe?...

If you want to beat someone up, beat up a mime. They can't yell for help or tell on you.

Sweep a vacuum. Vacuum a broom.

If you can't beat 'em join 'em unless they're beating you

Money isn't everything, if it was everything would look the same.

Bright light can burn the skin. No light can burn within.

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If your moth likes cucumber shoes & you don't have light serf, buff your floor with mashed up salmon hair until the dog eats an envelope of varnish & then tackle an infected tree.

May5/1/03You can't write with a chalkboard.

Washing clothes can lead to more stains than ever before like the stain of your freedomalistic obligation.

When arguing at sea don't go overboard.

Trying to contort one's palm always comes up empty handed.

Confiscating without cause is theft.

If you are ever in an autocar accident say "I am a wreck"

May is the most polite month.

The best thing about eating sharp or pointy inanimate objects is that they don't scream although you do.

Digging up a corpse is fun as long as you don't get done.

If your shoes are giving you the blues you need bigger shoes.

The funniest thing about Laffy Taffy is the secret ingredient M42one.

The old saying "Put your oven in the toaster it will work better" really means 'put your toaster in the oven, baste, & eat.’

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Mice are nice they just have hideous emotional problems.

Never watch a scary movie at a murderer’s house.

5/2/03If you want to sound smart don’t fart!Don’t fart anyway.

Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper but regular Dr. Pepper doesn’t taste more like Diet Dr. Pepper.

Never step on an archer’s toe or else he might get the bow!

Swaying your eyebrows is the wave of the future.

Magnets have peels in their circuits.

20 candy bars = bag of sugar

A large hill is like a cathartic pillage..

Always dip your fire extinguisher in gasoline everyday.

If you love ice & steam but hate water, you have a long life ahead of you.

When training to fight practice on a cactus, so you will either increase your tolerance for pain or have sharp fists.

…

Move to a third world country before you die.

If you’re having trouble going to sleep have sleep come to you (in the form of the back of a shovel).

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5/3/03Homeless people can be homely. Table salt is best used when eating a table. If you are old & gray, painting will go a long way. Never tell an obese man about a savage beating.He may think you said a savage eating! Refrain from whispering in the moonlight, the trees will hear everything. Never look at a cloud in the sky while it’s eating a piece of pie. As the world turns.. put a "kick me" sign on its back. Next time you hear about the Million Man March don't kill a million men in March. How to tell if a kid has talent:If a kid has no friends & is able to make up stories as if it did, the kid won't wear a wig in the summer. Coin collectors should be rich. Ever wonder who would win a fight between numbers & letters?It would probably be numbers because they out number the letters. If you want fast cash run with it or something stupid & unfunny like that. If you need money get rid of your toilet & sell fertilizer.

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Part III5/5/03If you don't like foil. BURN EVERYTHING!

5/15/03Never say "things can't get worse" because then here comes the hearse.

5/16/03If you have a butt-load of money stop eating money!

5/23/03When death comes a'knock'n tell it to use the doorbell next time.

5/24/03 Lesson RepriseIf you need money get rid of your toilet & go work for Mtv because they love crap.

5/31/03When someone tells you you'll never see something again just blink.

June6/4/03Keep your friends close & your enemies closer and no fat people that doesn't mean eat them

6/26/03The best way to be first in a line is to say "Everybody follow me."

July7/27/03If it is hot outside & someone complains just tell them"Lighten up it’s the 90s"

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August8/5/03Landmarks & landmines aren't the same YOU SHOULD visit landmines.

8/6/03If you run while wearing a jogging suit you can be sued for false advertising.

8/7/03Never climb an incredibly small latter upside down.

8/8/03Never staple limes in your cover chair.

8/9/03Always be careful when shooting spit wads at a lion, you don't want it to be not angry.

8/10/03When buying an envelope use money a.k.a. $.

8/11/03When reading a lesson you should learn.

8/12/03If woman ever calls you a pig just say,"Would you like a side of bacon or some sausage?"in order to justify what she said.

8/13/03Eating human brains is a delicious treat..I mean cactuses are spiky.

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Part IMarch

3/10/04When driving & dialing a cell phone at the same time beware for a fellow motorist may suggest you dial with an alternate finger.

3/11/04If you are too shy to make a toast at a special event don't buy a toaster.

3/12/04If all of your friends jump off a bridge, remember it when picking new friends.

3/13/04It’s confusing to listen to two speakers at the same time.

3/14/04Train owners in the 1800s were very bad people so that they could get much coal every Christmas.

3/15/04Glass is shallow.

3/16/04Dogs go on dates too if you run out of newspaper.

3/21/04Food taste good when you're cruising in the hood. Eating chicken with hot sauce don't forget to floss.

3/22/04If you're a big fan of fans recycling has gone too far.

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3/23/04Never let a witch tell you to be quiet for you would cease to exist.

3/28/04It’s hard to tell someone “what” because they always think you're asking them a question.

April4/1/04When the dust settles be hospitable.

4/3/04Ice Cream cones can be used as hats in emergencies.

4/5/04The hardest lesson to learn is the one given by us.

4/6/04Roads don't hit back.

4/7/04Always stay close to the door & don't ask me "What for?"

4/8/04Never whisper behind someone's back. Whispering is enough.

4/12/04If you are ever late don't worry but instead be in a hurry.

4/14/04When competing on a game show, remember nothing is real.

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4/20/04Look both ways before you cross the street because you never know what you may step in.

4/22/04If you have a fear of failure you mind as well just stay scared.

4/27/04The best storage container is the one that can contain your love for storing things.

4/28/04Don't be afraid of trees but instead the bees near by.

4/29/04Never take a wild stab in the dark.

4/30/04Ice cubes are excellent substitutes for chill pills.

May5/1/04Eat slowly when wearing a coat.

5/2/04You can take a stroll in a bowl if you use it as a shoe & have a lot of glue.

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5/3/04-5/8/0432 Lessons

5/3/04If you smile while soaping up with Dial you can be in a commercial.

When one finds out that one is worth more dead than alive, it is a natural move to fake one's death.

If you find out that you are worth more dead than alive don't tell your friends.

When you're told, "there is nothing to fear but fear itself" fear almonds too, just for good measure.

Open your suitcase. Are there suits inside? If not you are a liar!

5/4/04Dangerous situations require decisive action. Delicious situations require dicing action.

If you don't care forever you don't care at all.

You can stop avoiding the Noid now.

When food is hurled it is a shame to the world (world meaning incredibly fat guy).

Double your Will power by kidnapping.

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5/5/04It is customary to throw rice at weddings, not dice.

Wearing the same clothes often can confuse people's memories.

If you get dizzy while eating Doritos® stop spinning! (note please give us free Doritos for mentioning you Frito-Lay)

Don't take candy from strangers that is stealing.

Flashback Edition:Double reverse equals go.

5/6/04The following classic statement was spoken in a conversation between two fat people & should only be replicated as such."Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you."The rubber & glue part was added later.. to protect the non inno¢ent.

To live in a land is to live in a cave.

Lonely? Then pick up the phone & don't dial. You'll have a nice one-sided conversation.

Headset phones should be called headphones.

Hide & go seek gone wrong: You have a skeleton in your closet.

5/7/04Ground up=Air

All good friends eventually have a dead end.

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Nobody ever said I want to be an envelope when I grow up, nobody.

Cut & Paste is a term invented by bad doctors.

When an ox wears a crown you should be sad because of your poorness.

5/8/04When a lazy man punches in a comic it should say slack as a sound effect.

When your knob is broken opening a door can be a bore.

Being hesitant of speaking in a difficult situation is a normal thing but when you eat a laser under the table realize that it is not a normal thing.

Lesson Mania Week more like Lesson Mania Weak!

Women like fire may look good but touching them can be dangerous.

Strong men can turn cans into can knots.

With a simple stroke of a brush the can of brushes become saddened.

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Part III5/19/04If you don't expect anything it makes what you do get all the better.

5/20/04Talking to your mirror is like talking to yourself.

5/21/04It is pointless to punch sand.

June6/5/04Hopes are like ropes, they can help you get to the top yet they can also hang you.

6/6/04You can get away with anything using an or.

6/18/04Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you except in the case of whittling.

6/23/04Light switches are not recommended when savagely beating a child.

6/25/04When life seems like a blur slow down & make sure you don't need glasses.

6/28/04When someone says, "It takes time" they are talking about the gigantic clock stealing monster. However when someone said "It takes time" 50 years ago they were talking about the small clock stealing monster.

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July7/3/04If you try to change a bird you will find that birds don't wear clothes.

7/14/04The future looks good yet constantly uncertain,there is a window but it’s always blocked by a curtain...

August8/2/04It’s important to pay attention in order to stay out of debt.

8/5/04If you're depressed get a shovel go into your backyard & start digging. I guarantee you'll never feel like dirt again.

8/7/04Frankenstein wasn't confused he was a fused con.

8/8/04Become a fat ugly moron because opposites attract.

8/9/04When told to "take a seat" don't.

8/13/04How to spell Piano: P and O

8/16/04If you can't tell the difference between the a bird, a plane, & a flying man get your eyes checked because they are of poor quality.

8/17/04You booze you loose.

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8/20/04If you have to wait a long time, be late.

8/21/04Practical jokes are a practical way of helping others train for emergency situations.

The summer is the best time to have hot fun.

At the end of the day sleep good, it’s for your own well.

8/22/04A sure cure for loneliness is by putting a feather in your cap. The animal rights activist will never leave you alone.

It’s important to practice redundancy.It’s important to practice redundancy.

A mall fountain's change can feed a starving child for 2 years.

8/23/04Attempting to punch out a walrus is not a good Idea.

Following a question respond "Don't ask, because you already did."

Scarecrows are scary because they too, like Zombies, want brains.

8/24/04Patience is easily obtained if you are willing to wait for it.

Hermits are great at keeping secrets.

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A shadow is like a friend that follows you around & imitates everything you do.It is surprising that more people do not dislike their shadow.

8/25/04The sounds of nature can be soothing.They can also make you want to go out shooting.

Waiting until fall to do spring-cleaning can really make you realize why it is primarily done in the spring.

The bigger they are the softer they fall.

8/26/04There is no solid evidence that air exists.

Bears don't wear clothes so please don't make a joke about it.

Up & Down are opposites & that's why they like each other.

8/27/04Some things will never change but you can be sure that one thing will, the channel.

People who live near a desert are good at leaving people alone.

Sometimes you think you've outsmarted someone when in actuality you've just made a fool of yourself.

8/28/04The two hardest things to do are starting & finishing.

Rocking chairs need not guitars to rock.

Getting even is fun because two is better than one.

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8/29/04It is not important to practice redundancy.It is not important to practice redundancy.

Socks & shoes go together like pizza & the blues.

Refrain from asking clothes to do work because they are always worn out.

8/30/04Lack of hair leads to despair.

People that keep quiet need to pass it around a little more.

You're never disappointed with parades in ice cream shops or parades by the lake.

8/31/04Sometimes you need to get out.

Bartenders should use roller coasters.

Paper has many uses. Humans have many excuses.

September9/1/04When you wish upon a star you're probably wishing you could get off the star before you burn to death.

When someone is late you lose wait.

The sweet song of bird is often overheard.The sweet song of man is not heard when he's on the can.

9/10/04Debt is the one place that most people don't want to go to yet many take permanent vacations there.

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9/11/04If your voice sounds like that of an idiot simply talk only to babies & no one will notice.

9/19/04Better a potbelly than a pothead.

9/22/04The key to finding something better is looking.

9/23/04Whistling while you're lazy can't be done.

October10/5/04Having a guard dog can protect you.. from getting too much sleep.

10/6/04Making music is like making a sandwich. They both sound good.

10/7/04As time passes so shall men.

10/16/04Never wear your heart on your sleeve because you may need to sneeze.

10/21/04The best place to fall in love is in front of a laundromat.

10/22/04When you reach retirement age remember..Oh yeah people at retirement age can't remember anything, never mind.

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10/23/04If the old saying "You are what you eat" were true I'm sure there would be more cannibals.

10/24/04Less people would procrastinate if the word were negativecrastinate.

10/25/04No one ever makes fun of someone who wears a nametag.

10/26/04When you are on the rim eat a tiger for 18 points.

10/27/04Fear the lion not the roar.

November11/2/04Don't go boating when you should be voting.

11/6/04If you hate working for McDonalds & want to take them down from the inside offer free refills of French fries.

11/8/04Due to the modern popularization of tattoos the phrase "Read my lips." can now be taken literally.

11/11/04The only reason why people retire is because as they get older their hearts can't take the sound of an alarm clock.

11/13/04Poor people can't have aides.

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11/15/04You can never know when Mars is blushing.

11/20/04The faster your run the longer you'll stay inside.

11/23/04The future is unforgettable.

11/24/04Shooting a clock is the busy man's equivalent to wasting time..

11/30/04Running into a wall is like running into a doorway & stopping but more painful.

December12/2/04Never believe anyone who says "It’s backwards day." unless they say it like this:.yad sdrawkcab stI

12/7/04Faking your own death can be difficult but of course so can living your life.

12/9/04Some things are best left unsaid. "Look out!" is not one of those things.

12/14/04There's no riddance like good riddance.

12/16/04When push comes to shove, pull ... out a baseball bat.

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12/18/04Wondering what to get that special someone this Christmas? Yeah me too.

12/19/04You don't have to take offense it is your choice.

12/20/04When one asks "Is the glass half empty, or half full?" Notify them that the cup does not remain at half point for long if it is ever even that precise.

12/21/04 Flashback Edition:The latest news is no longer informative.

12/23/04When someone says "Stranger things have happened" respond "Yes because people use that phrase all the time."

12/24/04Christmas is coming, oh yes it's near. Christmas is coming, a time for cheer. Christmas is coming, yes the day that is next. Christmas is coming, in Christ we can rest.

Flashback Edition: (Original lesson from 3/14/04)Train owners in the 1800s were very bad people so that they could get much coal every Christmas.

12/25/04Christmas is the most joyous time of year but you can have Christmas everyday if you are not afraid of your peers.

12/26/04All people with two eyes have double vision.

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12/27/04Looks can be deceiving but not as much as words.

12/28/04When someone says "Are you there?" just disregard the T & everything will be just fine.

12/29/04What is left to the imagination can be worse than what isn't set forth.

12/30/04Getting something stuck in your teeth is like getting a needle stuck in a leaf they both create a bad lesson.

12/31/04 Procrastinator's Edition:The more you hesitate the longer others wait & from that they may become irate. Those people will then debate your personal weight & being unable to relate to your hesitate trait they will turn to hate but won't be able to find the words to conjugate or create so their hate will abate because they can't desecrate your hesitate trait.

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Part IJanuary

1/1/05While playing a musical instrument one can be quiet & loud at the same time.

1/2/05Crackers are one of the few ways to exert dominance over large & powerful animals.

1/3/052004 no more. 2005 still alive. Sorry zombies.

1/4/05The more rules one has the more rules there are to break.

1/5/05There is plenty of room on a spaceship.

1/6/05Take time to rhyme, we did.

1/7/05Anticipation runs high in the new year. That is why we waited until the seventh to do this lesson.

1/8/05If you ever get the feeling that someone is watching you that person has a very piercing stare.

1/9/05Birds can easily hear high-pitched voices.

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1/10/05One who struggles with problems has a lot of trouble on one's hands.

1/11/05The reason why high fives are so popular is because a large percentage of U.S. currency bears traces of cocaine.

1/15/05The only way to hear a seashell is to hold the ocean to your ear.

1/18/05Even the laziest person can have a wild imagination.

1/21/05Knowledge is power & too much power is dangerous but I'm sure none of the people who read this would have to worry about that.

1/22/05The best place to have a fit is a tailor shop.

1/24/05There is nothing funnier than laughter.

1/27/05You don't have to be on the lookout for strange signs because those are the most obvious.

1/29/05Online comics always get a good response, lol.

1/31/05Sometimes tomorrow makes today better.

February2/4/05Good news reverses the blues.

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2/7/05Kids draw pictures but the only thing grownups draw is lottery tickets.

2/9/05Both fast & slow moving people may tell you to "hold on."

2/11/05Read something twice so it will sound familiar.

2/12/05 Flashback Edition:You can make music without sound if you write it & no one plays it.

2/21/05Due to the popularity of plastic surgery the term "picking your nose" takes on a whole new meaning.

2/22/05Man can love gold & money it is true but those things will never love you.

2/28/05Memory is important so.............

March3/2/05The sun is the solar system's space heater.

3/8/05One-day cell phones will get so small people will call them cell phones.

3/11/05If you pay attention you may be in for more than you bargained for

3/30/05The longer cops patrol the more petrol they use.

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3/31/05The newcomer is always undefeated.

April4/14/05Calm is always easy before the storm.

4/23/05One of the worst ways to taste da feet is to get kicked in da mouth.

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5/15/05-5/21/05166 Lessons

May5/15/05Day 1 -24 LessonsThe funniest things in life are always unexpected so please don't expect our lessons to be puns & they'll be funnier.

People who fish in the stream of consciousness are usually hungry.

Face your fears by doodling & make them look friendly so you will no longer fear them.

Be cautious of being too cautious such as being cautious about being cautious.

You shouldn't fight over friends unless they are shorter than you.

When you express happiness when someone has died that is good mourning.

Americans prefer to store fat in their spare tire rather than air.

One thing that can ruin your LIFE brand cerealTM is running out of milk.

Jealousy is incredibly dangerous because its description resembles that of The Hulk.

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The highest that one can count is in an airplane.

Wild celebrations may lead to dangerous abrasions.

Taking action is taking action.

If you have to consult your physician you need a new one.

Driveways are used for parking too.

If you act stupid that means you're really smart.

When it rains it pours but not rain.

Take a stroll down your street & wave to all the smiling faces but don't worry you won't have to wave much if at all.

You cannot plan to make mistakes.

People who use drugs usually get their brains scrambled.

Charlie Brown could have been called Charlie Horse because horses are brown sometimes.

To keep warm in a blizzard use a blanket of snow.

Wealthy people usually have a wealth of arrogance.

An obese biker eating a ham sandwich is a hog on a hog eating a hog.

Flashback Edition:Smiling will cheer anyone up.. except the toothless.

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5/16/05Day 2 -24 LessonsSome people may find that if they don't give a dog a bone it will take it.

People who are underweight are easily crushed.

The most common things raised on Amish farms are barns & children.

It is called beauty sleep yet most people who claim it look terrible in the morning.

Being afraid of heights is ok unless you are afraid of heights in which you aren't poised on.

You gotta fight for your right to party but not for your right to be tardy because no one has that right. Be on time!

Happiness is like a drug except it is harder to obtain.

Some people would talk less if they actually listened to themselves.

If you want to reach your full potential use a stick.

When life gets you down say "Thank you."

There is a surplus of idiocy in the world today yet idiocy is very costly.

Exit signs never leave.

So much in life is a mystery but mostly just history.

It isn't a good idea to scratch your head.

Being selfish isn't being like yourself but liking yourself too much.

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Booby traps are the best traps to fall into.

You shouldn't worry that people who say to you "Good night" will kill you in your sleep.Similar also are people who say "Good day" except they may kill you in your sleep.

It isn't wise to be stupid.

Slick surfaces are revered by nerd surfaces.

A good place to fast is to fast in your seatbelt.

A pick ax is like a magic 8 ball except used for much more dangerous decisions.

Having a clubfoot & knowing a martial art would be a fun combination.

Even the mightiest pie was once a recipe.

Left just isn't right.

5/17/05Day 3 -24 LessonsMost people never get their deepest desires fulfilled because they can't stand the pressure.

The sky is the limit but not for astronauts.

People who tend to panic for no apparent reasons have an advantage of not having to "stay calm" when directed to because they were never calm to begin with

The more you eat the worse it is when on your feet.

If the highest number you can count to is 10 invest in some chicken fingers.

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Small rocks are trustworthy.

A friendly smile can light up a person's day but so can giving the person a lamp.

If danger is your middle name your parents were quite fearless people.

'People who need people' are agents & lawyers. Sure they are lucky but what about us?

Elevator operators are often in pressing situations.

People who are bitter should have never been tasted in the first place.

The worst way to give your child the sex talk is by personally showing them how it is done.

A club sandwich is the easiest club to join.

Being safe doesn't involve bees.

Simply breathing can be referred to as "blowing your nose"

Only fools rush in..to things while in shopping carts.

You can't always say 'the right thing' because people will become annoyed at your repetitions & shut your mouth.

Fans catch baseball games, the baseball players catch the baseball yet they are the ones who get paid.

Airplanes are easier to wish upon & they kinda look like shooting stars too.

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Mobsters are often confused when told to take out the trash.

Gaining weight isn't enough you must keep it to impress people who eat lots of pie.

Flashback Edition:You can change the world if you use a shovel.

People who do nothing truly have unlimited potential.

Right angles like to gloat.

5/18/05Day 4 -23 LessonsSharing is caring unless you share your opinion on push brooms.

A problem with a museum can be dealt with by facing or defacing.

Don't believe everything you hear because sometimes you will hear lies.

Percentage wise people who lie in the middle of the road did not do it by choice.

Capital punishment isn't listening to a boring speech.

Drifters don't walk with a purpose.

Someone who mimics you without permission is guilty of copyright infringement.

Feather dusters are used to dust feather dusters.

It is good to lend a helping hand as long as it hasn't be severed unless of course someone needs a new hand.

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When everything is fine it is hard to see yet enjoyable to look at.

Walking past the past benefits you none & you are doomed to repeat it until you think "wow I sure didn't like that one lesson"

Having a pitiful life stinks.

Instead of buying a car buy money because if you ever need to sell money it likely won't have gone down in value as much.

Sadly in the 80s many poor kids had to play with the other kind of transformers. May God rest their souls.

Your days are numbered if you obey a calendar.

Be patient with your enemies because if you don't they will kill you sooner.

The sun played a concert & it did a sunset.

I don't mean to burst your bubble & that is why I made this lesson instead.

Just as the USA has a threat level color system so do most people. When someone turns red that person is highly dangerous.

People who watch their back have trouble seeing where they are going but they do know where they have been.

Some people tell you "It is not polite to point" yet those same people have no problem pointing that out to you.

Bad company corrupts good characters. We're talking about Warner Brothers.

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Ignorant Lesson:Climbing a mountain is much like climbing a fountain except you don't get wet.

5/19/05Day 5 -24 LessonsA fresh can of soda cannot fix a flat tire.

Love can be fleeting but so can ships.

You can't pick your family but you can pick your family out of a police line up.

If you knew everything you learned you'd be as smart as you are now.

Lazy people try to jog their memories of things in order to not sound bad when their friends & co-workers talk about jogging.

I sight is precious because without it lots of words wouldn't make sense.

Surprisingly it is more dangerous to carry a windshield around in a hurricane.

Every time you turn the page know that in the time you spent on that you did age.

If practice makes perfect then no one has ever practiced.

If someone knocks a hole in the wall let them know they were supposed to knock on the door.

Be careful what you wish for because you are almost certain to be disappointed.

If you enjoy pain you may also enjoy Maine because it is painfully cold there.

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To think & blink at the same time you probably have to be thinking about blinking.

It is not what you do that counts but rather why you do it. Unless what you do is count.

Cows never utter a word.

Taking the Bible out of context is like trying to bake a cake with only one ingredient, it’s not going to be any good & cake never is anyway.

It is wise to say to your clock "Do not be alarmed"

Being in trouble isn't as bad as being in lava. Well actually being in lava is also being in trouble but I'm sure more people think, "I'm in lava!" when in lava rather than "I'm in trouble." Ok now that I think about it people in lava probably aren’t alive enough to think about things. So.. lava is hotter than java.

Most people just condition their air rather than their bodies.

The reason why math is important is because of the principal of divide & conquer.

Violence is never the answer because there is no question as to whether you should use it.

People can listen to the radio but they can't listen to each other.

Drinking from a straw always sucks.

You cannot put a piranha in a toilet as a practical joke on a friend because if you do this person obviously wasn't your friend.

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5/20/05Day 6 -23 LessonsStupid people will be confused all their lives if they are accidentally given the wrong nametag.

Charge your enthusiasm with batteries to get a positive outlook.

If you ever feel sad think to yourself "It is not so bad" but if that makes you mad then you should be glad that being sad is just a fad of life.

Many people can spell but few can dispel.

The catapult wasn't named as such because it launched cats into the air but rather because it launched pults.

Sharing is halfway between giving & taking yet so few can make this compromise.

With so many lesson in Lesson Mania Week 2005 you may have trouble remembering them. So it is a good thing that we don't make them useful.

Spending time & spending money can occur at the same time.

People who drive recklessly seem to wreck the most.

Slides are fun but they can be dangerous if you are a bad photographer.

"Free!" is always a good sign.

It is common practice for people to push themselves to further their career.

If you live in a dusty old house it is probably because the house is dusty.

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The more light you let in the more the light lets you out.

Scooters don't sound as though they would be fast vehicles.

Be sure to understand the difference in figurative language & literal language. Wait that is an order.. shouldn't we be teaching them something rather than bossing them around? Oh I see that is how the schools do it.

Inside jokes aren't as loud as outside jokes.

It is important to give a kind word every once in a while but don't expect us to do it. Thank you.

Bicycles will let anyone ride them.

Try to get someone to wish you well at their birthday party.

You can always count on abacuses but you can never count on harnesses because they always let you down.

The tv news is the quickest & easiest place to catch the blues.

Exchanging ideas can lead to the person you exchanged them with exchanging your idea for cash.

5/21/05Day 7 -24 LessonsGolf will become hipper when golfers begin to use Butter Putters®, Screw Drivers®, & Potato Wedges®.

The tallest man always benefits the most from giving up.

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People with determination need to make a choice.

No one has ever run out of time before.

The color of your skin doesn't matter unless want to tan or you spilt paint on yourself.

Being in the company of strangers is strange indeed.

Floods are devastating & sad yet most people seem to keep their chin up.

Courts always buy sturdy tables.

The straw that broke the camel's back was a fat farmer who blamed his hat.

You shouldn't embrace your weaknesses because you may hurt yourself.

People with time to spare rarely give it to others.

The best way to learn is by experience yet few want to use this method to learn about death.

It isn't possible to tell someone a secret.

Spinning in a circle is fun but first you need chalk.

If noon were at 5pm gunslingers would say, "It’s high five."

Being sick isn't healthy yet so many people do it!

The past creates the present.

It is selfish to call someone selfish because that means you expect them to think of you more.

Face the facts. Read a book.84

You can be a cowboy even if you don't live on the range all you need is to be a fat young man.

Poking fun is the only thing that makes fun angry.

Remember always safety first.. well actually always remember first.

When you miss someone try again.

Flashback Edition:The term "rock & roll" was coined in the caveman days when cavemen would spark rocks together but then get dangerously caught on fire so they would stop, drop, & roll. The most amazing part is that cavemen spoke English!

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Part IIIJune

6/3/05Life sure would suck if the wind didn't blow

6/6/05If you keep believing in luck you're out of luck.

6/10/05Strictness creates restriction

6/11/05Feelings are like the cherry on top or the poo on yo shoeDepending on whether good or bad

6/12/05People who live life in the fast lane travel in RVs.

6/13/05Seeing is believing that you are not blind.

6/14/05Cars are always exhausted when on the go

6/15/05Hindsight is 20-20 if you like what you see.

6/16/05The future always waits

6/17/05If you don't apply what you learn then you really haven't learned anything.

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6/18/05Love in your tummy is like the least yummy place to have it.

6/19/05Caring is like sharing except better because you don't have to share.

6/20/05Baking a pie is like getting poked in the eye except one makes you want to live & the other could cause you to die.

6/21/05The only time the future changes is when it becomes the present.

6/22/05The perfect excuse for a kid to disobey his parents would be to say "I thought you were using reverse psychology & that you wanted me to do it."

6/23/05The reverse of thirst is when you've drank so much you could burst.

6/24/05Having no choice is like having every choice but unpickable.

6/25/05If one wanted to be a gravedigger as an adult & was asked, "Where will you be in 10 years?" the person can legally say "In a grave." without sounding depressing.

6/26/05Do what you have to do when you want to do it unless there is a time you have to do it.

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6/27/05When people usually lose their eyesight they loose the sight part & not the eyes.

6/28/05The past is our stepping-stone to new & wonderful futures.

6/29/05If you lose weight being a loser is good.

6/30/05Each day changes things or makes them more the same.

July7/1/05You cannot sell a home. Homes are emotional attachments defined by emotions & experiences.

7/2/05The hardest thing about being young is getting old.

7/3/05The idea of asking someone to guess "What?" is because "What?" is a question & them saying that gets you the ability to ask them what they want.

7/4/05Outer space is no reason for haste.

7/5/05The tooth draft has the most interesting toothpicks.

7/6/05 Flashback Edition:The number one excuse to cheat at video games: "I prefer the experience of the game to the challenge."

7/7/05A wooden speed limit sign.. yeah that's pretty limited.

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7/8/05There is one good kind of heart attack and that is when your heart is attacked by love.

7/9/05If you haven't learned your lesson yet then you shouldn't be teaching it.

7/10/05Always pre-pair your socks.

Always be pre-paired that way you'll never be lonely.

7/11/05It is hard to earn an honest buck because most US currency is filled with lies about eyes & various colored dyes.

7/12/05The only restaurants that can really have homemade food are ones, which used to be old people's houses.

7/13/05The great thing about rain is that you can urinate & no one would even know it.

7/14/05Dollar signs & dollars pretty much look the same except for scale.

7/15/05From a helicopter you can see the world. From a plane you can see the sky. From space you can see space. But you can never truly see our eyes.

7/20/05Chili is one food, which contradicts itself because it is hot but it sounds cold.

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7/21/05Breaking records is like broken records because people do it over & over again.

7/22/05The scariest room in the house is the living room because it is alive!

7/23/05Everyone starts out small.

7/24/05It isn't always easy to ease drop.

7/25/05Question questions & you'll always have something to do.

August8/10/05Dinnertime is never getting thinner time.

8/11/05You can't tell unless you hear first.

8/12/05The only change you have to make to change is to want to change.

8/13/05It is more fun to write when one is sad because when one is happy fun isn't as fun.

8/14/05It is hard to make friends with ice because it is so cold.

8/15/05Being unprepared is an easy way to get scared.

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8/16/05Dreams come true until you fall asleep & dream anew.

8/17/05Having ideas is a good idea.

8/18/05Throwing caution to the wind is safer than throwing danger to the wind.

8/19/05Even evening is uneven depending upon your horizon.

8/20/05Don't let your life slip away because that could cause death.

8/21/05Imports are more important than deports.

8/22/05One cannot catch a breeze.

8/23/05People who agree to disagree don't really agree at all.

8/24/05Politicians are rarely speechless.

8/25/05When one thinks one knows it all that is when one really has more to learn.

8/26/05It is easy to be romantic when you are in love. All you have to do is tell the truth.

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8/27/05Someone that is kind. Is a great find.

8/28/05You know you have a wait problem when you are impatient.

8/29/05In acting mistakes count twice.

8/30/05 Obvious Edition:Growing old is like growing anything else. It takes time.

8/31/05Day is a lot like night. They both consist of time.

September9/5/05Love is like butter. It is better when spread.

9/6/05New beginnings always come from old ends.

9/7/05Putting something down is just like picking something up but in reverse.

9/8/05People are such pessimist. Always looking down as they fall.

9/9/05The club sandwich is the most dangerous sandwich.

9/10/05It is always smart to agree with facts. That way you seem right more often.

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9/15/05The great thing about sound is that when you hear it you know you aren't deaf.

9/19/05Almost everyone is gifted on their birthday.

October10/4/05Closing your eyes at night is somewhat pointless because it's already dark.

10/5/05Only stop when you are at the end and when you are at the end look for a new beginning.

10/13/05The opposite of a nice guy is an ice guy because he is so cold.

10/14/05If you didn't miss something to begin with you wouldn't have to make things up such as excuses.

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Part ILesson Mania Week 2006

7/9/06-7/15/0631 Lessons

July7/10/06Day 1 -4 LessonsThe best time to set your clock is at 12.

Men are dogs mainly because dogs chase cats.

It is hard to be self-motivated but one sure way to get yourself motivated is to bribe yourself.

Lighting in the sky is like God taking pictures of us.

7/11/06Day 2 -5 LessonsFlashback Edition:When someone says "Pssst" that means they've sprung a leak.

The best thing about the word best is that they couldn't have picked a better word.

If getting sleepy makes you cry then you are sleepy weepy

Should times sometimes override good times.

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People who say "Don't get me anything" on gift occasions usually get something from everyone they told that.If you really don't want anyone to get you anything you should go about saying "You should get me something!"People will think you are a jerk & won't get you anything.

7/12/06Day 3 -6 LessonsWhen you don't have a paper clip just use scissors & clip the paper yourself.

A lot of people smoke but people in high-powered positions fire.

Girls are obsessed with looks & guys are obsessed with looking.

If your car doesn't start the reason is because you pushed the break.

One who is laying and sleeping is lazy or Lay Z.

The easy way to boss things around:Go to the kitchen and be like "chill out freezer"

7/13/06Day 4 -6 LessonsYou know you're in a good relationship when instead of wanting to ring each other's necks you want to ring each other's finger.

The reason why red lights are red is because if you drive while one is on you can become red too.

Blood is a stain caused by pain.

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The reason why they call it diarrhea "the runs" is because you have to run to a toilette often.

The word adjective is a noun.

Sometimes it is ok to split someone's wig, such as parting their wig's hair with a comb.

7/14/06Day 5 -5 LessonsSleep is the one place everybody goes to.

Doors are a good way to exert dominance because you can push them.

Life can be confusing with all of the choosing that goes on.

The reason why the word 'race' was used to indicate persons belonging to the same genetic stock was due to the reason that all races are competitions. Which is why "The Man" is always trying to keep a brother (black guy) down.

You can't be alone if you have a loan.

7/15/06Day 6 -5 LessonsBeing on a fixed income is better than being on a broke income.

A dwelling is a place where someone lives. When one dwells on something they are living on it.

Most people's eyes are sensitive to darkness they can't see anything in it.

96

When is enough enough? When your definition of enough is too much.

Death is just around the coroner.

97


Part IIBook Exclusive Lessons

(Arranged by Date Written)7/24/06Summer salt & seasoning salt is the same thing.

It is better to call fall autumn because it doesn't hurt so much

7/26/06Money is the root of all evil and pirates buried their treasure which means pirates are far more evil than we ever imagined.

7/27/06People never pay attention to their windows, they always look right through them instead.

More school kids use high lighters than it may seem by looking at their notes.

Thick fog can lead to thick log.

Take pictures of gum it'll last longer.

Pharmacist will prescribe you medicine because farms didn't insist you eat vegetables.

Tall walls fall and make you drop your jaw when it's on y'all.

Money can be expensive so that is why it is important to save.

Even though they are called 'waiters' we are the ones waiting.

98

If you're out of shape go back inside.

The best time to train up a child is on Halloween. This way you won't look weird dressing your child up like a train. Even better if you have multiple children you can dress them as one cart each with the fattest one or least favorite (same thing) being the caboose.

A drug addict’s favorite time of day is high noon.

Clown is the perfect occupation for cross dressers.

If you have a yellow belly that means you eat too much butter.

Cannibals enjoy foods such as ear rings, eye balls, finger food, ham hock burger, buns, ribs, chopped liver, hand shakes, & thumb tacs for freshening breath.

At revivals Methodists use the sprinkler system to accept people in the church.

Not even sunglasses could make the sun look cool.

If you ever think to yourself "It is hot as Hell in here" you probably died.

Offering people coins is a good way to get them to change.

Kitty cats' favorite types of instruments are stringed.

Money can't buy love unless it is Valentine's Day apparently.

The cheese stands alone because it cuts itself.

The grass is always greener when you sneeze.

99

The sky is blue all day and wears black at night it must be depressed, possibly because it looks beat up.

When the mob throws someone in the river there is plenty of concrete evidence.

Rock'Em Sock'Em Robots inspired Tom Cruise’s role in Risky Business

Big business leads to big consumers

Summer isn't a bummer but kids do get dumber.

The early bird gets the worm. This principle is also why your dogs & cats should sleep in.

Unlocked safes aren’t' safe anymore.

Chicken pox is still better for you than chicken nuggets.

7/30/06Being a medical patient makes you patient.

There is nothing wrong with being perfect.

August8/1/06A brainstorm can be more dangerous than a hailstorm.

8/4/06Full is as full as full is.

There's no tell'n what happened because there's no ask'n.

Stop signs are written in manuscript, quite deceiving.

100

8/5/06Having a celebrity's signature as a tattoo is just like having life insurance.

8/6/06Many fathers are bums because when in the car with their kids they are always looking for a hand out.

The worst kind of dentist is the one that is root'n & toot'n

Every boat needs a row bot.

Cerebral Pawsy is the name of the disease where a dog has a foot stuck in its head.

The best vehicle to get in a wreck with is an ambulance.

The reason why people refer to cars as feminine is because most car lovers are men & they don't want to sound gay.

8/7/06Poor attributes need enrichment.

8/8/06Water is better than fodder.

It is no justice when your to go drink is just ice.

Setting short-term goals for yourself can lead to a better life if you're on the right road.

Soldiers fill in the blanks with b_ullets.

People who repeat themselves are always repeating themselves.

101

You can't put a price on happiness except with a Happy Meal.You can't put a price on love except with roses & a card.You can't put a price on family unless it is bail.

Rock climbers usually get thrown off the stage.

A penny saved is a penny earned but in the south a penny saved is a penny ironed.

Hole punchers are useless.

Fraternities have punch lines without the jokes while hazing.

8/10/06With balloons once you pop the fun does stop.

The underground music scene tends to be darker.

Lurch went to church because it rang.

People who do quality control at shoe factories have to pay very close attention due to all of the sneakers.

Cashiers handle the most money but make the least.

Don't shoot the messenger lest the message reads, "I am the messenger & I'm going to kill you!"

The best way to get to the root of a problem is to use a lumber jack.

When we start living under the sea high-pressure salesman will be even worse.

A sun set is a beautiful thing too bad you humans will never find that out. Ahahahahahar (Flies away in spaceship)

102

A cuckoo clock is when someone is hit on the head & it makes him or her crazy.

On certain occasions partners in crime have to part ways during a chase. The slower partner sometimes says "Make a run for it!" The faster, often dumber partner, confused runs for it but not knowing what it is. While traveling down the street in leg foot fashion he passes a sign then chooses to stop and take it along with him. Returning to the hidden layer with his partner arriving soon thereafter they begin to discuss the sign and the potentials it expounds regarding a run for public office. They decide doing so would be more profitable, stealing money wise, than robbing banks ever had been and thus another politician is born.

Teasing hair can be a good thing or a bad thing.

8/12/06Most people don't sit in the streets so it is quite easy to be an upstanding citizen.

8/14/06Tire irons do not promote tire traction.

8/15/06Due to the current state of American teenagers, when one of them is thinking, everyone thinks that something is wrong with them.

8/16/06Deaf people can hear at least one thing, silence.

8/22/06You can have your appetite curved by a diet pill and still be curved afterwards.

103

8/24/06People who are double crossed the right way become stars.

Open minded people need surgery.

It's easy to catch a train because it leaves tracks everywhere it goes.

Fireworks don't always work but fire works every time.

Business damages caused during a bar fight can be repaired with scotch tape.

8/25/06Chinese shoes made of leather are called mooshoes.

When you act perfect doing so proves that you are not.

The reason why old tymey kings had multiple wives is because it takes a lot of women to do castle work as opposed to housework.

8/26/06Being tickled by a deadly weapon is a conflicting experience. It makes you laugh yet it also makes you fear for your life.

8/30/061,000th Lesson:Everyday is a new day. There are new things to learn and old things to burn.

September9/3/06A tidily wink is when you wink while crying.

104

9/15/06The reason why white supremacists are bald is because they don't even like black hair.

9/17/06Babysitting is the worst kind of sitting.

9/20/06If an elevator's weight limit is surpassed a new seemingly unlimited wait will ensue.

It's good to be out of your mind because your mind is the one who should be in you.

Dogs & cats didn't used to be enemies until they started watching cartoons.

Kangaroos are the best at growing leaps & bounds.

Airplanes are like people because they enjoy taking off then landing.

If you ever loose your eyeballs the best place to look for them is.. oops sorry.

Thieves prey on the unsuspecting which is why thieves themselves never get robbed.

Single people, live everyday as though it were the last day of your life. Even better married guys, live everyday as though it were the first day of your wife.

When someone wins millions of dollars there are many screams & hollas.

Take it from me Emperor MAR, building an empire is tough. I know this because I still haven't.

Money well spent is spent on time well spent with family and friends.

105

Most people cannot keep a secret because they don't know where it is.

Daydreaming can actually help you concentrate.. on what went horribly wrong.

A prisoner is an inmate but a jailer is not.

Failure is a fact of life. This is why so many people have differing opinions on what failure is.

Winter could have been called fall because of all the slippery ice.

Award shows are famous for their thanksgiving speeches, which is why the losers don't get to make speeches.

It can be difficult to carry on the family business but to life guards I say dive right in!

Electricians shouldn't be shocked when they get electrocuted that way it won't hurt.

The Jolly Green Giant is jolly because he has never had to eat vegetables; he claims, "Eating vegetables would be like cannibalism to me".

Rock, Paper, Scissors isn't so good for settling disputes when you use the real rocks, cutting white paper, & extra sharp scissors.

People who get trapped in a maze never seem to say "I'm aMazed!" They should!

Hollywood's young starlets often suffer from StaRvation.Reading and writing are the fundamentals of education but don't worry if you can't read or write

106

itdle be aight just become a famous rapper. Yea boy a bonafide ho slapper.

9/21/06Obese people can't afford to use cheap seats.

For some getting approved for a credit is equivalent to being sentenced in court to pay a fine monthly.

Posters are most often under a tack.

Burning toast can be disappointing especially from your boss.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery & the second largest cause for assault & battery.

The smartest thing on earth is the temperature in summer. It has like over a 100 degrees.

Mothers should be the one's who get presents on their children's birthdays.

Flashback Edition:In and out that is what it is all about, digestion.

October10/23/06The first time someone was called a pig for eating too much was at a BBQ.

107

Top LessonsTop 3 Lessons of 2001

3. If you say "ey look at me" beware for one of the people there may stalk you for the rest of your life.2. When someone gives you a gift it is better to not repay them, than to lock them in your basement, feed them nothing but bow ties until they say "I admit I'm a leprechaun."1. Remember a picture is worth a thousand words not a picture can say a thousand words, so stop torturing them in your cellar.0. Some people will never learn. The sad thing is most of those people go to school.

Top 3 Lessons of 20023. If a thug draws a knife on you wash it off.2. When there's nothing left to do dance! Cause dancing will cheer anybody up.... except the cripple.1. If you have a problem don't use an escalator.

Top 3 Lessons of 20033. If you can't beat 'em join 'em unless they're beating you2. When I'm looking at my folder I have a paper view.1. When arguing at sea don't go overboard.

Top 3 Lessons of 20043. The future is unforgettable.2. Train owners in the 1800s were very bad people so that they could get much coal every Christmas.1. Up & Down are opposites & that's why they like each other.

Top 3 Lessons of 20053. Bicycles will let anyone ride them.2. Happiness is like a drug except it is harder to obtain.1. Remember always safety first.. well actually always remember first.

108

PART TWOLessons Categorical

Contents61 Categories

Advice 110 Injury 190 Animals 114 Intelligence 193 Ascending & Descending 118 Learning 194 Bad Smells 119 Lesson Lessons 195 Battle of the Sexes 121 Life 197 The Blues 122 Love 200 Clichès 123 Machines 202 Communication 128 Math 203 Corporate 133 Money 204 Crime 135 Music 209 Culture/Society 137 Nature 211 Death 140 Numbers & Letters 213 Digging/Dirt 144 Ominous 215 Drinking Books 145 Optimism 216 Drugs 146 People 217 Family 147 Pessimism 223 Fashion 149 Piemerica 223 Fear 152 Pop Culture References 224 Fire & Lots of It! 154 Religion 227 Food/Eating 156 Repetition 229 Friends 165 Sadness 230 Fun 167 School 232 Future 169 Senselessness 234 Games 170 Sleep 236 Giving 172 (The Joe) 238 Goals 174 Time/Age 240 Government 176 Transportation/Travel 245 History Lessons 178 Violence 251 Holiday Lessons 180 Weather 255 Inanimate Objects 182 Work 257 Informative 186 The End 259

109

Advice

Don't live in the schlums become a bum.

If someone takes something of yours & puts it in a light plastic bag, with a lock on it, rip the lock off the bag & look inside because there's probably a key to the lock in the bag.

Wheezing is not a good reason to rip off your eyebrows, grape juice stain a window seal, & then take your car back & forth through a toll booth just to get change for your brick brained snowman when its shoes bake in the oven for 4 ticks of a land mine.


If you break something before you get it wet, the water won't hurt it.

If you try to fight the urge to fight, you've already lost.

Over confidence can be bad, such as, "I can walk off a cliff with out falling."

If your zipper ever gets stuck use a zip code.

If you want to discover something new, buy a new item put it under your blanket & take your blanket off.


Don't learn from your mistakes because they are mistakesthey don't know what they are talking about.

Don't mow your lawn chair.

110

Remember if you ever get your leg caught in a bag rinsing it will get the bag wet.

The proper way to handle anger is with a handle, duh!

Be nice & brush your teeth, that way they won't chew you out.

When paint is about to crack stand back because it may do something crazy!

If you want someone out of your house put a welcome mat inside the house facing out the door as if to say "Welcome out" or just spray paint 'not' above the word 'welcome'.

If your water cries throw it on the fire.


Trying to contort one's palm always comes up empty handed.


Never watch a scary movie at a murderer’s house.

If you love ice & steam but hate water, you have a long life ahead of you.

When someone tells you you'll never see something again just blink.

The best way to be first in a line is to say "Everybody follow me."

If you run while wearing a jogging suit you can be sued for false advertising.

111

Never let a witch tell you to be quiet for you would cease to exist.

Always stay close to the door & don't ask me "What for?"

Never whisper behind someone's back. Whispering is enough.

Never take a wild stab in the dark.

Dangerous situations require decisive action. Delicious situations require dicing action.

It is customary to throw rice at weddings, not dice.


If you don't expect anything it makes what you do get all the better.

When life seems like a blur slow down & make sure you don't need glasses.

It's important to pay attention in order to stay out of debt.

Become a fat ugly moron because opposites attract.

Practical jokes are a practical way of helping others train for emergency situations.

Patience is easily obtained if you are willing to wait for it.

The key to finding something better is looking.

You don't have to take offense it is your choice.

112

The best place to have a fit is a tailor shop.

You don't have to be on the lookout for strange signs because those are the most obvious.


"Free!" is always a good sign.

Remember always safety first.. well actually always remember first.

If you keep believing in luck you're out of luck.

Question questions & you'll always have something to do.

It is always smart to agree with facts. That way you seem right more often.

When is enough enough? When your definition of enough is too much.

If you're out of shape go back inside.

Poor attributes need enrichment.


It's good to be out of your mind because your mind is the one who should be in you.

If you ever loose your eyeballs the best place to look for them is.. oops sorry.

113

Animals

Yelling at fish may make them flee but yelling at apples will make them fall off that tree. At least it worked for Mr. T.

When typing etc. etc. A dragon won't fit in a chair Droor.

Squirrels, no steam in the window.

Tasting cobblestones is not a good way to become popular among the fishes.

Catastrosphere's LessonIf trying to train a German Shepard it is easier when not wearing a suit made of meat.


The micro-cultures of this world will not stand for our ruling over them with soap. This is because they don't have legs.

"...sharks can be a delightful friend, in cartoons. It wouldn't bother me much if a shark came after me in the water. I can't swim so there is a .001% chance of it saving my life....My tip is to swim with fish & let them get eaten."

A lesson for the AgesIt's hot when summer rolls around so: Killing in cold blood won't cool you off & If you ever say to yourself "animals shed fur to cool off maybe I should shed blood" Well, don't give it a second thought or else you might do it twice.

114

Flash Forward EditionComputers are afraid of dogs because in a way they have become mailmen.

When fishing with a pinecone there's always gonna be a little bit of sorrow from the seal.

Rabbit sculptures look like rabbits but if carved up enough will look as something else.

If my bottle cap wore a snowshoe it'd be put on tv If I wore a second one I'd be jumped by a flea.

Anyone ever tell you to get off your high horse?Just say "but the horse is too high, I'll fall to my doom!"

The cows will come home when pigs fly because the pigs will show them the way

The bird chirps.The man burps.

You know why aliens aren't around anymore?Because, they used tortoises as laborer's & when we found out we laughed at them. Now they're too ashamed to show their faces.

Spooky things happen if you let platypuses vote.

Bees are nice if you give them honey.Bees are mice if you dress them funny.

Vampire bats make great hats. The problem is they want to be necklaces.

If bees had fleas I think I would sneeze.

115

If your moth likes cucumber shoes & you don't have light serf, buff your floor with mashed up salmon hair until the dog eats a envelope of varnish & then tackle a infected tree.

Mice are nice they just have hideous emotional problems.

Always be careful when shooting spit wads at a lion, you don't want it to be not angry.

Dogs go on dates too if you run out of newspaper.

Don't be afraid of trees but instead the bees near by.


If you try to change a bird you will find that birds don't wear clothes.

A sure cure for loneliness is by putting a feather in your cap. The animal rights activist will never leave you alone.



Having a guard dog can protect you.. from getting too much sleep.

Fear the lion not the roar.

Crackers are one of the few ways to exert dominance over large & powerful animals.

116

Birds can easily hear high-pitched voices.


Some people may find that if they don't give a dog a bone it will take it.

Being safe doesn't involve bees.

Cows never utter a word.



The straw that broke the camel's back was a fat farmer who blamed his hat.




Cerebral Pawsy is the name of the disease where a dog has a foot stuck in its head.

Dogs & cats didn't used to be enemies until they started watching cartoons.

Kangaroos are the best at growing leaps & bounds.

117

Ascending & Descending

Don't like climbing stairs, then don't, so you can live a pitiful life.

Can't find your hat?Then get up on a ladder while wearing rhinestones,... it's something to do!

If you have a problem don't use an escalator.

If you ever get on a really slow escalator it's probably stairs.

When climbing a ladder here's a thing to remember.Don't climb a ladder up a tree after someone says "timber!"

Never climb an incredibly small latter upside down.


118

Bad Smells

Asking someone to do something & them doing it is never sure. Getting someone to run when you poo something will get them out that door.

If ever walking down the street & a bum begins talking, hurry away for it will stink there soon.

If you ever buy brown shoes but the other shoes of the same type aren't brown, there's a bum in the store.

If you want to sound smart don’t fart!Don’t fart anyway.

If you need money get rid of your toilet & sell fertilizer.

If you have a butt-load of money stop eating money!

If you need money get rid of your toilet & go work for Mtv because they love crap.

Look both ways before you cross the street because you never know what you may step in.



Feelings are like the cherry on top or the poo on yo shoeDepending on whether good or bad

The great thing about rain is that you can urinate & no one would even know it.

119

The reason why they call it diarrhea "the runs" is because you have to run to a toilette often.


120

Battle of the Sexes

If woman ever calls you a pig just say,"Would you like a side of bacon or some sausage?"in order to justify what she said.



Booby traps are the best traps to fall into.



Girls are obsessed with looks & guys are obsessed with looking.

You know you're in a good relationship when instead of wanting to ring each other's necks you want to ring each other's finger.



121

The Blues



Good news reverses the blues.


122

Clichés

Remember a picture is worth a thousand words, not a picture can say a thousand words. So stop torturing them in your cellar.

If you ever get to the point where you can't take it anymore.... give it out.

Feeling dirty? Then get off your soap box because that's where your soap is.

Start the week off on the right foot.Just make sure you use the other during the week else you'll have trouble.

The cows will come home when pigs fly because the pigs will show them the way.

Get an old man who used to play a sport to play it again.If he says, "I'm a little rusty" report this to the government for they do not like androids. (Robots for you dumb people)

Actions speak louder than words.Words speak louder than silence although silence may have the most to say.

Sticks & stones may break your bones but that doesn't mean your bones are made out of sticks so stop rubbing your hands together, Now!

If a tree falls in the forest be glad you don't live in the forest.

123



Keep your friends close & your enemies closer and no fat people that doesn't mean eat them

If it is hot outside & someone complains just tell them"Lighten up it's the 90s"

Train owners in the 1800s were very bad people so that they could get much coal every Christmas.

When the dust settles be hospitable.

Roads don't hit back.


Ice cubes are excellent substitutes for chill pills.


The following classic statement was spoken in a conversation between two fat people & should only be replicated as such."Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you."The rubber & glue part was added later.. to protect the non inno¢ent.


Nobody ever said I want to be an envelope when I grow up, nobody.

124

Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you except in the case of whittling.


If you can't tell the difference between the a bird, a plane, & a flying man get your eyes checked because they are of poor quality.

The bigger they are the softer they fall.


Whistling while you're lazy can't be done.

Never wear your heart on your sleeve because you may need to sneeze.

If the old saying "You are what you eat" were true I'm sure there would be more cannibals.

Due to the modern popularization of tattoos the phrase "Read my lips." can now be taken literally.

There's no riddance like good riddance.

When push comes to shove, pull ... out a baseball bat.

When one asks "Is the glass half empty, or half full?" Notify them that the cup does not remain at half point for long if it is ever even that precise.

When someone says "Stranger things have happened" respond "Yes because people use that phrase all the time."

Looks can be deceiving but not as much as words.

125

Calm is always easy before the storm.

Some people may find that if they don't give a dog a bone it will take it.


Don't believe everything you hear because sometimes you will hear lies.







The straw who broke the camel's back was a fat farmer who blamed his hat.

Face the facts. Read a book.

People who live life in the fast lane travel in RVs.

Throwing caution to the wind is safer than throwing danger to the wind.

126

People who agree to disagree don't really agree at all.

Money is the root of all evil and pirates buried their treasure which means pirates are far more evil than we ever imagined.



The grass is always greener when you sneeze.






127

Communication

If someone asks a group of people “Is everything ok?”, the person who is not ok probably can't answer due to not being ok.


A writing utensil is not something you use to talk to your food with; when your parents tell you to be quiet at the dinner table.

if you are looking for answers first you need questions.

If anyone ever tells you to put on a happy face & you see someone smiling & decide to rip their face off they nor their face will be happy anymore.

Catastrosphere's Lost LessonIf anyone ever says to you 'How are you doing today?' in the morning, just say 'It is too early in the day to properly evaluate this question.'

If someone says to you "I have to get a drink to water" you may think them at fault thinking they meant to say "I have to get a drink of water" but if they are talking about kool-aid or a dry mix drink. Then you are at fault if you point that out.

If ever walking down the street & a bum begins talking, hurry away for it will stink there soon.

128

Someone ever tell you to "clean up that spill' but you don't see a spill. Spill something on them. Then they'll say "This bucket of rice develops faster than film. After all soft celery does clean up in an random assortment. Picking up the slime coat of a single pant. Rhetorical rock pile sat up in bluish gloom of a crane kite monolithic memory...." Wait, that's if (The Joe) talks to you.

You know someone is nice when they say thank you twice.

You can tell the tree to stand up but if you tell it to sit down it won't.So don't talk to trees, you picture torturing cellar monger.

If you say something is still cool it could mean it's frozen.

When in an emergency & one says "stay calm"Then you think "I'm not Calm, I'm blank name"You should panic so you get thrown out.

If the last word someone ever says is shut up, they were talking to their self.

Anyone ever tell you to get off your high horse?Just say "but the horse is too high, I'll fall to my doom!"

If someone tells someone else to 'duck' & they go about talking about push brooms, back slowly out of the door or window.

When you have a canopy & someone says "eew! you have a can of pee!"Tell them "The wrench won't split for a dime wafer" & push them off your porch.

Talk is cheap, unless you are a television psychic.129

If somebody says, "if you ask me.." & nobody asked them.They got no business talk'n.




It's confusing to listen to two speakers at the same time.

It's hard to tell someone "what" because they always think you're asking them a question.

Never whisper behind someone's back. Whispering is enough.

Talking to your mirror is like talking to yourself.

You can get away with anything using an or.

Following a question respond "Don't ask, because you already did."

Sometimes you think you've outsmarted someone when in actuality you've just made a fool of yourself.


130

If your voice sounds like that of an idiot simply talk only to babies & no one will notice.Never believe anyone who says "It's backwards day." unless they say it like this:.yad sdrawkcab stI

Some things are best left unsaid. "Look out!" is not one of those things.

When someone says "Are you there?" just disregard the T & everything will be just fine.

Take time to rhyme, we did.

Both fast & slow moving people may tell you to "hold on."




Try to get someone to wish you well at their birthday party.

The idea of asking someone to guess "What?" is because "What?" is a question & them saying that gets you the ability to ask them what they want.

You can't tell unless you hear first.

People who agree to disagree don't really agree at all.

131

Flashback Edition:When someone says "Pssst" that means they've sprung a leak.The reason why the word 'race' was used to indicate persons belonging to the same genetic stock was due to the reason that all races are competitions. Which is why "The Man" is always trying to keep a brother (black guy) down.



132

Corporate

Meetings are fleeting without eating.

If there were evil corporate businesses that secretly ran our country.. whoops! too late for this lesson!

There's always room for Jell-O,this means every building must have a room just for Jell-O or you'll be arrested.

If you think pulling a ribbon out into a snowstorm will help you..manufacture boxes, you're right. It's a big secret.

Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper but regular Dr. Pepper doesn’t taste more like Diet Dr. Pepper.

If you smile while soaping up with Dial you can be in a commercial.



If you hate working for McDonalds & want to take them down from the inside offer free refills of French fries.

One thing that can ruin your LIFE brand cereal™ is running out of milk.

Golf will become hipper when golfers begin to use Butter Putters®, Screw Drivers®, & Potato Wedges®.

133






You can have your appetite curved by a diet pill and still be curved afterwards.


134

Crime

If driving & you take a wrong street the 2 best ways to get back are:1. Drive recklessly across people's lawns.2. Park in someone's garage & loiter soliciting as much as possible.

It’s always better to take a short cut, unless it involves the mob.

People with terminal diseases should fight crime, they don't know when they're gonna die anyway.

14% of people who want to be fire fighters actually take boxing gloves & light buildings on fire to fight it.Then they get thrown in jail for arson.. sad.

In this crime filled world today, You don't need to lock your doors, nobody wants to go to your house.

Thieves maybe able to steal your material possessions but they can't steal your sadness &/or anger.

It's easy to be a pickpocket just choose.



Double your Will power by kidnapping.


When someone says, "It takes time" they are talking about the gigantic clock stealing monster. However when someone said "It takes time" 50 years ago they were talking about the small clock stealing monster.

135

When told to "take a seat" don't.

The more rules one has the more rules there are to break.

Mobsters are often confused when told to take out the trash.

A problem with a museum can be dealt with by facing or defacing.





Thieves prey on the unsuspecting which is why thieves themselves never get robbed.

A prisoner is an inmate but a jailer is not.

136

Culture/Society

If you are thinking about becoming a cannibal listen to this first. Human beings are not made in factories & are not manufactured in flavors.

If someone asks you to go fencing with them & you bring your sword. Just run the guy through for being so culturally insensitive.

Television is a perfect way to learn.. about bad acting.

If you reach for the stars you are a stalker.

When driving & dialing a cell phone at the same time beware for a fellow motorist may suggest you dial with an alternate finger.



Some things will never change but you can be sure that one thing will, the channel.

Don't go boating when you should be voting.

Due to the modern popularization of tattoos the phrase "Read my lips." can now be taken literally.

The reason why high fives are so popular is because a large percentage of U.S. currency bears traces of cocaine.

137

Online comics always get a good response, lol.

Kids draw pictures but the only thing grownups draw is lottery tickets.

Due to the popularity of plastic surgery the term "picking your nose" takes on a whole new meaning.

One-day cell phones will get so small people will call them cell phones.








The color of your skin doesn't matter unless want to tan or you spilt paint on yourself.

Having a celebrity's signature as a tattoo is just like having life insurance.


138

Most people don't sit in the streets so it is quite easy to be an upstanding citizen.

Due to the current state of American teenagers, when one of them is thinking, everyone thinks that something is wrong with them.


Hollywood's young starlets often suffer from StaRvation.

Reading and writing are the fundamentals of education but don't worry if you can't read or write itdle be aight just become a famous rapper. Yea boy a bonafide ho slapper.

139

Death

Do not play dead in a freshly dug grave.

"...sharks can be a delightful friend, in cartoons. It wouldn't bother me much if a shark came after me in the water. I can't swim so there is a .001% chance of it saving my life....My tip is to swim with fish & let them get eaten."

Old mayonnaise may be wiser than new mayonnaise but new mayonnaise won't give a life defying disease.

If your cry'n so much you're die'n drink some water.


If you're going to put on a purple noose at least try to look stylish.

I trained the train to run me over. I was sad to see it go.


Walking on a rafter will make you feel alive unless you stop walking the bad way.

When in an emergency & one says, "stay calm"Then you think, "I'm not Calm, I'm blank name"You should panic so you get thrown out.

If the last word someone ever says is shut up, they were talking to their self.


140


Digging something up can be exciting & illegal.

When the noose becomes the latest fashion it won't last long. wink wink

The ocean is a troubling place to be if you can't swim.Milk is a terrible thing if skim.

One-day bedtime will take a new meaning. Beds will come alive & capture you, then forcing you to go to sleep, Bedtime will become dead time.

You don't need a pillow. Just put your head in a pillowcase before you go to sleep. You'll never have to worry about waking up tired again (or at all..).

If anyone ever alludes to what will be written on your grave, don't argue for graffiti is always a possibility.


Move to a third world country before you die.

Never say "things can't get worse" because then here comes the hearse.

When death comes a'knock'n tell it to use the doorbell next time.

When one finds out that one is worth more dead than alive, it is a natural move to fake one's death.


141




Hopes are like ropes, they can help you get to the top yet they can also hang you.

As time passes so shall men.

Shooting a clock is the busy man's equivalent to wasting time..

Faking your own death can be difficult but of course so can living your life.

2004 no more. 2005 still alive. Sorry zombies.

When you express happiness when someone has died that is good mourning.






142


Be patient with your enemies because if you don't they will kill you sooner.


Baking a pie is like getting poked in the eye except one makes you want to live & the other could cause you to die.

Don't let your life slip away because that could cause death.

The reason why red lights are red is because if you drive while one is on you can become red too.

Death is just around the coroner.



Being tickled by a deadly weapon is a conflicting experience. It makes you laugh yet it also makes you fear for your life.

143

Digging/Dirt

M.A.R.'S Lesson for Pie Inc. DayGetting so mad that you could dig until you find dirt isn't getting mad at all so since you're not mad celebrate Pie Inc. Day & eat a pie.

Organizing a mile's worth of dirt is a pointless task.

Digging a small hole & filling it with water is a waste of time, if you intend it to be put on a map, unless you're drawing your own map.

Digging something up can be exciting & illegal.

If your shirt is dirtier than dirt, start mocking dirt & then.. get thrown into an asylum for laughing at dirt.

When one thinks "I can't get any lower than this" better start digging.


Ground up=Air

If you're depressed get a shovel go into your backyard & start digging. I guarantee you'll never feel like dirt again.


If one wanted to be a gravedigger as an adult & was asked, "Where will you be in 10 years?" the person can legally say "In a grave." without sounding depressing.

144

Drinking Books

Drinking Books cannot buy you a house. Drinking books can however get you thrown into a mental ward.

Don't be a crook, Drink a book.

When the lessons are few & you don't know what to do, Drink a Book & rhyme, rhyme, something, something.

145

Drugs


Only drunks can truly make racial slurs.


You booze you loose.

Better a potbelly than a pothead.

People who use drugs usually get their brains scrambled.

Happiness is like a drug except it is harder to obtain.





146

Family



The Ultimate Prank to pull on Halloween is to be good.-A Message from Adults Everywhere

People who are young don't like homework but older people want to work at home

Want to give your kids a great presentGive them something they'll never forget but won't be able to remember,A savage beating.

How to tell if a kid has talent:If a kid has no friends & is able to make up stories as if it did, the kid won't wear a wig in the summer.

Light switches are not recommended when savagely beating a child.

Kids draw pictures but the only thing grownups draw is lottery tickets.



The worst way to give your child the sex talk is by personally showing them how it is done.

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The perfect excuse for a kid to disobey his parents would be to say "I thought you were using reverse psychology & that you wanted me to do it."


Many fathers are bums because when in the car with their kids they are always looking for a hand out.






Mothers should be the one's who get presents on their children's birthdays.

148

Fashion

If you think you're ever wearing red glasses & don't remember putting them on you might be bleeding through the eye.

Catastrosphere's LessonIf trying to train a German Shepard it is easier when not wearing a suit made of meat.

Why do people complain when something is on their head? If someone drops a hat from a 5 story building onto your head, you would just be like "hey a free hat." But if someone drops a brick from the same building on your head, you would just be like "ow! I'm in hideous pain" or knocked unconscious.

Flash Forward Edition!:You may think that tele vision is going away but you probably haven't heard of the new hypnotic contact lenses.


Can't find your hat?Then get up on a ladder while wearing rhinestones,... it’s something to do!

Tired of wearing the same old clothes?Well you ain't getting any money from me!

If you ever find a superhero's cape think to yourself"Do I know of any superheroes with magical capes?"If not give it back because the superhero will consider you a villain for having its cape & you'll get beat up.

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Just because your shirt has stitches doesn't mean you should get revenge on people that wear strawberries with sequins as necklaces.

If your shirt is dirtier than dirt, start mocking dirt & then.. get thrown into an asylum for laughing at dirt.

If you wear a coat...whoops! that's all I wrote.

Don't share pants with your shirt.

Washing clothes can lead to more stains than ever before like the stain of your freedomalistic obligation.




Eat slowly when wearing a coat.

Open your suitcase. Are there suits inside? If not you are a liar!





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No one ever makes fun of someone who wears a nametag.

Always pre-pair your socks.




Having a celebrity's signature as a tattoo is just like having life insurance.

Teasing hair can be a good thing or a bad thing.

Chinese shoes made of leather are called mooshoes.

151

Fear

If you cover your ears before something loud happens w-ho are you to tell the future?


Don't let a pouch scare you. Only be afraid of 2 pouches.

If someone tells you not to be afraid of monsters & then a big monster comes & steps on you because you weren't afraid, if you live tell the monster you know someone else that's not afraid of it.Following that give a depictive description of where this person is.

There are ghosts from coast to coast.Actually there are not but if you believed it you are stupid.

If you really want a scary costume this Halloween, don't dress up, dress down.

Only smart people need be afraid of headshrinkers.

Scared of life on other planets?Well you should be more scared of life on this planet.

If you are afraid of lasers you should be afraid of phasers also.

If you have a fear of failure you mind as well just stay scared.


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Fear the lion not the roar.

Christmas is the most joyous time of year but you can have Christmas everyday if you are not afraid of your peers.

Face your fears by doodling & make them look friendly so you will no longer fear them.

Be cautious of being too cautious such as being cautious about being cautious.

Being afraid of heights is ok unless you are afraid of heights in which you aren't poised on.

People who tend to panic for no apparent reason have an advantage of not having to "stay calm" when directed to because they were never calm to begin with

The scariest room in the house is the living room because it is alive!

Being unprepared is an easy way to get scared.


153

Fire and Lots of It

An air crash doesn't make a plane go faster. So don't try to blow one up if you're late.

Candles are useful to light up the night. Candles are not useful to light up the night where a gas mane ruptured.

When someone says "bombs away" there's no need to worry bombs are not near.

Planting a radish garden? Make sure to not use varnish soaked land mines.

Don't polish a matchbook with gasoline.

Ever been told to blow up some balloons?If not then don't get in a jet plane & drop bombs, use firecrackers it's cheaper.

14% of people who want to be fire fighters actually take boxing gloves & light buildings on fire to fight it.Then they get thrown in jail for arson.. sad.

Ever wonder why it is said, 'fight fire with fire' well..Fire is mad & lonely everything fire touches burns, it has no friends so if you fight fire with fire, fire will be like "Fire a new friend!" then fire will be happy and won't bother you.

If you set meat on fire it's called grilling but if you set anything else on fire it's called arson.

If you reach for the stars & don't reach them you're lucky because stars are hot & can hurt.

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It is Sunday there is a thing you must learn.Although it is called SUNday it does not mean things must burn.

Rituals can become ritualistic so spice it up by setting pepper on fire & throwing it in your face.

Always dip your fire extinguisher in gasoline everyday.

If you don't like foil. BURN EVERYTHING!

Landmarks & landmines aren't the same YOU SHOULD visit landmines.


When you wish upon a star you're probably wishing you could get off the star before you burn to death.

Being in trouble isn't as bad as being in lava. Well actually being in lava is also being in trouble but I'm sure more people think, "I'm in lava!" when in lava rather than "I'm in trouble." Ok now that I think about it people in lava probably aren't alive enough to think about things. So.. lava is hotter than java.


Fireworks don't always work but fire works every time.

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Eating/Food

If you are thinking about becoming a cannibal listen to this first. Human beings are not made in factories & are not manufactured in flavors.

Hiring a thug may help someone to get savagely beaten. Hiring a mug may help someone to drink something after they've eaten.

Flashback EditionFood taste good, Results only occur when eaten.

Remember those cans in the garage aren't melted ice cream. No matter how many colors & wooden spoons there are.

Microwaves are not robots, so they do not count as dependents on tax forms, even if you do feed it everyday.

You can't peel a carrot with an ice cube.

Disease Jelly is not a good Valentine's Day gift.

Eat bread it make glass shine.

Flashback EditionIt is nearly over when All that is left are dime lickers & envelope glue addicts. It is completely over when people begin to eat crackers on TOAST!

Tasting cobblestones is not a good way to become popular among the fishes.

Keep in mind your shampoo is scented not flavored.

156


Flashback EditionPie taste good and can be shared by all.

If a potato wedge had arms it would probably try to punch you a couple of times before you eat it, but you wouldn't care since it had no hands.

The chemical make-up of soap is very feeble. In other words don't wash an orange.

Soup is hot when heated. The garden looks good when weeded. Pork does not have seed in it.

Cheese can be yellow, orange, white, green, & blue. In times like 7:35 A.M. Friday, September 14, 2001 A.D. we need to know what color cheese is, but alas that time has passed.

Ya c dahts de problem with you kids today, you get bored too easy. (The Joe) only gets bored when there's nothing to eat.

If someone says to you "I have to get a drink to water" you may think them at fault thinking they meant to say "I have to get a drink of water" but if they are talking about kool-aid or a dry mix drink. Then you are at fault if you point that out.

Old mayonnaise may be wiser than new mayonnaise but new mayonnaise won't give a life defying disease.

Shoes protect your feet but they aren't good to eat unless they're filled with food.

157

Popsicles will never stop being popular unless the name is changed.

Fortune cookies will not make one rich unless the fortune says, "you will become rich" not "your well became wretch."

If storing corn in a shed don't shed the corn 1st.

If balloons caused salad bars to serve meat, I'd be like "stop calling it a salad bar"

Catastrosphere's Tip:Boiling soup too long can cause it to evaporate.To prevent this put a pot on the ceiling above also.

Revenge can be sweet if coated in sugar.

Glass the other red meat.

There's always room for Jell-O,this means every building must have a room just for Jell-O or you'll be arrested.

If you ain't ate marbles since the 17th; you mind as well give up & jump in the sink.

Don't count your ice cream cones before you get em.If you do you'll have to count them again.

Carrots aren't stacked on the moon

Don't make soup without an acorn.

Beware of whole kernel corn for it may wage war against you.

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Don't paint your watermelon yellow & put it into underground lemon fights.They know it's a watermelon.

Cheese don't say please, so don't be mad if it's impolite.

The ocean is a troubling place to be if you can't swim.Milk is a terrible thing if skim.

The pen used to write nearly every lesson is near its end.What you say that's not a lesson?Well then yams & clams have something in common.They rhyme, quite obvious right?

Life isn't about accomplishments. It's about eating things that shouldn't go in your mouth but are still edible.

Making clothing out of cotton candy is not acceptable.

An excellent way to start a diet is to eat glue.

If you plan to eat turkey on thanksgiving, it has been done.


If your moth likes cucumber shoes & you don't have light serf, buff your floor with mashed up salmon hair until the dog eats an envelope of varnish & then tackle an infected tree.


159


The old saying "Put your oven in the toaster it will work better" really means 'put your toaster in the oven, baste, & eat.'


Table salt is best used when eating a table.

Never tell an obese man about a savage beating.He may think you said a savage eating!

Never look at a cloud in the sky while it's eating a piece of pie.


Never staple limes in your cover chair.

Eating human brains is a delicious treat..I mean cactuses are spiky.

If you are too shy to make a toast at a special event don't buy a toaster.

Food taste good when you're cruising in the hood. Eating chicken with hot sauce don't forget to floss.

Ice Cream cones can be used as hats in emergencies.


Eat slowly when wearing a coat.


160

Dangerous situations require decisive action. Delicious situations require dicing action.


When food is hurled it is a shame to the world (world meaning incredibly fat guy).






You're never disappointed with parades in ice cream shops or parades by the lake.

Bartenders should use roller coasters.

Making music is like making a sandwich. They both sound good.

If the old saying "You are what you eat" were true I'm sure there would be more cannibals.

If you hate working for McDonalds & want to take them down from the inside offer free refills of French fries.

Crackers are one of the few ways to exert dominance over large & powerful animals.

161

People who fish in the stream of consciousness are usually hungry.




Even the mightiest pie was once a recipe.

The more you eat the worse it is when on your feet.



A club sandwich is the easiest club to join.

Gaining weight isn't enough you must keep it to impress people who eat lots of pie.

A fresh can of soda cannot fix a flat tire.

Taking the Bible out of context is like trying to bake a cake with only one ingredient, it's not going to be any good & cake never is anyway.

Drinking from a straw always sucks.


Feelings are like the cherry on top or the poo on yo shoeDepending on whether good or bad

162


The reverse of thirst is when you've drank so much you could burst.

If you lose weight being a loser is good.

The only restaurants that can really have homemade food are ones, which used to be old people's houses.

Chili is one food, which contradicts itself because it is hot but it sounds cold.

Dinnertime is never getting thinner time.

Love is like butter. It is better when spread.

The club sandwich is the most dangerous sandwich.

Summer salt & seasoning salt is the same thing.


Pharmacist will prescribe you medicine because farms didn't insist you eat vegetables.


Cannibals enjoy foods such as ear rings, eye balls, finger food, ham hock burger, buns, ribs, chopped liver, hand shakes, & thumb tacs for freshening breath.



163


Water is better than fodder.




Flashback EditionIn and out that is what it is all about, digestion.


The first time someone was called a pig for eating too much was at a BBQ.

164

Friends

If you have been vitally injured & the only person to help you is your moron friend who has to call 411 to get the # for 911 you probably won't live through the night.

Ever wonder why it is said, 'fight fire with fire' well..Fire is mad & lonely everything fire touches burns, it has no friends so if you fight fire with fire, fire will be like "Fire a new friend!" then fire will be happy and won't bother you.


If all of your friends jump off a bridge, remember it when picking new friends.



A shadow is like a friend that follows you around & imitates everything you do.It is surprising that more people do not dislike their shadow.

You shouldn't fight over friends unless they are shorter than you.

Lazy people try to jog their memories of things in order to not sound bad when their friends & co-workers talk about jogging.

165


Being in the company of strangers is strange indeed.


It is hard to make friends with ice because it is so cold.


166

Fun

If you can't have fun you got to make it.

When there's nothing left to do dance!Cause dancing will cheer anybody up....except the cripple.

Catastrosphere's Tip:Like to cut loose at social events?Be sure you don't cut loose your spinal cord.

Try to fall out of a tree when you're not in a tree. It's fun.

Have a neighborhood party where everybody rings their doorbells & knocks on their doors to a hep beat & then get dowN!

The best time to teach someone how to dance is when there is snow on the ground that way they can see all the steps.

The perfect time to run in slow motion is when it's windy out, that way it fells like you're really going fast.




The funniest things in life are always unexpected so please don't expect our lessons to be puns & they'll be funnier.

167



Slides are fun but they can be dangerous if you are a bad photographer.

Inside jokes aren't as loud as outside jokes.

Spinning in a circle is fun but first you need chalk.

Poking fun is the only thing that makes fun angry.

It is more fun to write when one is sad because when one is happy fun isn't as fun.

With balloons once you pop the fun does stop.

Being tickled by a deadly weapon is a conflicting experience. It makes you laugh yet it also makes you fear for your life.

168

Future

Flash Forward Edition: 2036 PiemericaThese new jet packs going around may seem fun but they can give you cancer if you crash into a cancer-testing center.

Don't know the difference of past, present, & future? Here you go:past- Something in front of youPresent- a form of giftFuture- a small amount of ture

Thinking about the future is important but don't think of the future as if you will live a million years more.


Swaying your eyebrows is the wave of the future.

The future looks good yet constantly uncertain, there is a window but it's always blocked by a curtain...

The future is unforgettable.

Sometimes tomorrow makes today better.

The future always waits

The only time the future changes is when it becomes the present.

The past is our stepping-stone to new & wonderful futures.


169

Games

When playing a game of hide & go seek, no matter which position you are in, it is best to get up & walk away.

When in a race fall down & yell, "Help!" to slow the others down.

Mastering the game of golf is difficult, but not as difficult as breathing (in outer space).

If you're ever playing a game play dumb that way, though you may loose, you won't feel stupid.

If someone asks you to go fencing with them & you bring your sword. Just run the guy through for being so culturally insensitive.



As bright as night I will never understand how board games entertain people

Being forced to compete in the Olympics can be stressful....That is all.

When competing on a game show, remember nothing is real.

170


When you are on the rim eat a tiger for 18 points.

The newcomer is always undefeated.

One of the worst ways to taste da feet is to get kicked in da mouth.

Fans catch baseball games; the baseball players catch the baseball yet they are the ones who get paid.

Golf will become hipper when golfers begin to use Butter Putters®, Screw Drivers®, & Potato Wedges®.

The tooth draft has the most interesting tooth picks.

Flashback Edition:The number one excuse to cheat at video games: "I prefer the experience of the game to the challenge."

Breaking records is like broken records because people do it over & over again.


People who get trapped in a maze never seem to say "I'm aMazed!" They should!

171

Giving

When someone tells you it's good to give, they are not talking about savage beatings or other violent acts.

If you ever get to the point where you can't take it anymore.... give it out.

When someone gives you a gift it is better to not repay them, than to lock them in your basement, feed them nothing but bow ties until they say "I admit I'm a leprechaun."

You're really selfish when you don't even share coughs & sneezes.


Don't share pants with your shirt.

When the dust settles be hospitable.


A friendly smile can light up a person's day but so can giving the person a lamp.

Sharing is caring unless you share your opinion on push brooms.


Sharing is halfway between giving & taking yet so few can make this compromise.

172


The tallest man always benefits the most from giving up.


Caring is like sharing except better because you don't have to share.

Someone that is kind. Is a great find.

Almost everyone is gifted on their birthday.

People who say, "Don't get me anything" on gift occasions usually get something from everyone they told that.If you really don't want anyone to get you anything you should go about saying "You should get me something!"People will think you are a jerk & won't get you anything.


Award shows are famous for their thanksgiving speeches, which is why the losers don't get to make speeches.


173

Goals

When attempting to accomplish a goal don't set it for a particular time. Then you'll have a good excuse for not doing it yet.

Just tell yourself you made it. Then if you loose you won't feel as bad because you think you were already there.

Attempting to do something is not hard. Being successful at doing that is.

The less you do the more you get done, (because you're either starting or finishing).

Never give up your dreams because if you do you'll only have nightmares.

If you want to accomplish something do nothing then people will say, "he/she accomplished nothing" This way failure is not an option.

Hopes are like ropes, they can help you get to the top yet they can also hang you.

The key to finding something better is looking.

You cannot plan to make mistakes.

If you want to reach your full potential use a stick.

Most people never get their deepest desires fulfilled because they can't stand the pressure.


174






Charge your enthusiasm with batteries to get a positive outlook.

When you miss someone try again.

The only change you have to make to change is to want to change.

New beginnings always come from old ends.

Only stop when you are at the end and when you are at the end look for a new beginning.

Setting short-term goals for yourself can lead to a better life if you're on the right road.

1,000th Lesson:Everyday is a new day. There are new things to learn and old things to burn.


175

Government

You can run for position of Judge at any age.

If there were evil corporate businesses that secretly ran our country.. whoops! too late for this lesson!

The only reason the U.S. is the world's best country is because Godzilla keeps destroying Japan.

Tourists can be annoying, but don't blame them for not being from your country, blame their despotic ruler.

Looking for a December to remember? Try not to see anything suspicious or the government will erase your memory again


Want to become president of something but just can't be elected?Well as long as you don't have original ideas you shouldn't have to.

Don't go boating when you should be voting.




176

It is hard to earn an honest buck because most US currency is filled with lies about eyes & various colored dyes.

Politicians are rarely speechless.


177

History Lessons

Hands are no match for zcalvs, the 1,600 B.C. name for hands.


The following classic statement was spoken in a conversation between two fat people & should only be replicated as such."Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you."The rubber & glue part was added later.. to protect the non inno¢ent.

Cut & Paste is a term invented by bad doctors.

When someone says, "It takes time" they are talking about the gigantic clock stealing monster. However when someone said "It takes time" 50 years ago they were talking about the small clock stealing monster.

Frankenstein wasn't confused he was a fused con.





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179

Holiday Lessons

Disease Jelly is not a good Valentine's Day gift.

M.A.R.'S Lesson for Pie Inc. DayGetting so mad that you could dig until you find dirt isn't getting mad at all so since you're not mad celebrate Pie Inc. Day & eat a pie.

Emperor MAR's birthday was yesterday & today is Labor Day.

If you really want a scary costume this Halloween, don't dress up, dress down.

The Ultimate Prank to pull on Halloween is to be good.-A Message from Adults Everywhere

If you want to have Thanksgiving for a living be a 'yes man' or 'yes woman'

Christmas is about the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ not getting a swordand hunting mice. (by a sword & hunting mice we speak of a poor kid getting a dollar plastic sword and told "now you can hunt those mice like you always wanted to")

Semi-Flashback Edition:If you're looking for a New Year's Lesson you came to the wrong placebut remember this: Eat bread it make glass shine.

When packing a Christmas box you must remember, do not give it away until late December.

If you plan to eat turkey on thanksgiving, it has been done.

180


Wondering what to get that special someone this Christmas? Yeah me too.

Christmas is coming, oh yes it's near. Christmas is coming, a time for cheer. Christmas is coming, yes the day that is next. Christmas is coming, in Christ we can rest.


Anticipation runs high in the new year. That is why we waited until the seventh to do this lesson.

People who say, "Don't get me anything" on gift occasions usually get something from everyone they told that.If you really don't want anyone to get you anything you should go about saying "You should get me something!"People will think you are a jerk & won't get you anything.



181

Inanimate Objects

Paint does not wash windows well.

Cans don't bleed unless they are full of blood.

Giant rocks can't swim.


Don't shoot a canteen it's frightened by flashes.

Using markers is dangerous just make sure they don't get on you or you'll become a marked man.

Cellos aren't for camp'n.

If you like things that are shiny but don't like to shine them,look at the sun

If you think pulling a ribbon out into a snowstorm will help you..manufacture boxes, you're right. It's a big secret.

Don't mow your lawn chair.

Put your toaster on a poster. Try to sell it, fail.

If the couch says "owch" there's something in it.


182


Yes another Monotonous Lesson!If your paper turns to vapor, you've been writing on water dude!

If you're sad you should kick a can but not so hard that it kicks back.. & relaxes.


When I'm looking at my folder I have a paper view.

If your puppet cries put it in the dryer.

Sweep a vacuum. Vacuum a broom.

You can't write with a chalkboard.


Glass is shallow.

If you're a big fan of fans recycling has gone too far.

You can take a stroll in a bowl if you use it as a shoe & have a lot of glue.

Headset phones should be called headphones.

When your knob is broken opening a door can be a bore.


183




Small rocks are trustworthy.






You cannot sell a home. Homes are emotional attachments defined by emotions & experiences.

A wooden speed limit sign.. yeah that's pretty limited.

When you don't have a paper clip just use scissors & clip the paper yourself.

Doors are a good way to exert dominance because you can push them.

The easy way to boss things around:Go to the kitchen and be like "chill out freezer"

People never pay attention to their windows, they always look right through them instead.

184

Hole punchers are useless.



Posters are most often under a tack.

185

Informative

Flashback EditionHoop does not mean pick.


Sarcasm is negative positivity. Lies are positive negativity.

The ultimate wager in the game of poker is the wage of war.

It is said "shut your mouth & open your ears" yet during disasters the opposite is done.

How to spell Piano: P and O


Hermits are great at keeping secrets.

There is no solid evidence that air exists.

The two hardest things to do are starting & finishing.

No one ever makes fun of someone who wears a nametag.

There's no riddance like good riddance.

All people with two eyes have double vision.

What is left to the imagination can be worse than what isn't set forth.

186

Living in a buffer zone is dangerous when lying down.

The more rules one has the more rules there are to break.

One who struggles with problems has a lot of trouble on one's hands.

The only way to hear a seashell is to hold the ocean to your ear.

There is nothing funnier than laughter.

The newcomer is always undefeated.

Left just isn't right.

Simply breathing can be referred to as "blowing your nose"


When everything is fine it is hard to see yet enjoyable to look at.

To think & blink at the same time you probably have to be thinking about blinking.


It is selfish to call someone selfish because that means you expect them to think of you more.

It isn't possible to tell someone a secret.

Face the facts. Read a book.

Strictness creates restriction

187

Seeing is believing that you are not blind.

Hind sight is 20-20 if you like what you see.

Having no choice is like having every choice but unpickable.

When people usually lose their eyesight they loose the sight part & not the eyes.

It isn't always easy to ease drop.

Having ideas is a good idea.

Putting something down is just like picking something up but in reverse.

If you didn't miss something to begin with you wouldn't have to make things up such as excuses.

The best thing about the word best is that they couldn't have picked a better word.

The word adjective is a noun.

Most people's eyes are sensitive to darkness they can't see anything in it.

Unlocked safes aren’t' safe anymore.

There is nothing wrong with being perfect.

Full is as full as full is.

Deaf people can hear at least one thing, silence.

People who are double crossed the right way become stars.

188

Most people cannot keep a secret because they don't know where it is.

189

Injury

If you think you're ever wearing red glasses & don't remember putting them on you might be bleeding through the eye.



It is said, "when you hear a whistle blow snap into action" but I say "no, because snapping into action could cause permanent bone damage."

If you ever get the feeling that you're going to get your legs broken, running wildly with your eyes closed won't prove otherwise.

Getting hit in the head with a hammer & not getting a headache usually means you are no longer alive.

When one has learned all there is to learn, one should bash one's head in to learn again.

Broke your leg? Well why not break the other one? You can't walk any way.

When Someone tells you to "break a leg" it doesn't have to be yours.

190

Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you except in the case of whittling.

Running into a wall is like running into a doorway & stopping but more painful.

One of the worst ways to taste da feet is to get kicked in da mouth.

Wild celebrations may lead to dangerous abrasions.

If you have to consult your physician you need a new one.

Flashback Edition:Smiling will cheer anyone up.. except the toothless.

It isn't a good idea to scratch your head.



You shouldn't embrace your weaknesses because you may hurt yourself.


Blood is a stain caused by pain.



191


Open minded people need surgery.



192

Intelligence

Knowledge is power & too much power is dangerous but I'm sure none of the people who read this would have to worry about that.




Stupid people will be confused all their lives if they are accidentally given the wrong name tag.

When one thinks one knows it all that is when one really has more to learn.

If you act stupid that means you're really smart.


It isn't wise to be stupid.

A brainstorm can be more dangerous than a hailstorm.

Due to the current state of American teenagers, when one of them is thinking, everyone thinks that something is wrong with them.


193

Learning

Some people will never learn. The sad thing is most of those people go to school.

Don't learn from your mistakes because they are mistakesthey don't know what they are talking about.

Knowledge unapplied is useless, so if you're lazy don't learn because you're not gonna use it anyway.




If you don't apply what you learn then you really haven't learned anything.

If you haven't learned your lesson yet then you shouldn't be teaching it.

When one thinks one knows it all that is when one really has more to learn.

Reading and writing are the fundamentals of education but don't worry if you can't read or write itdle be aight just become a famous rapper. Yea boy a bonafide ho slapper.

194

Lesson Lessons

A lesson of/for the day is good for teaching & getting people to say go away.



Getting diseases in can openers is not common unless you open cans filled with disease, also this lesson sucks.

If you want to become physically fit you're reading the wrong guy's lesson.


Yes another Monotonous Lesson!If your paper turns to vapor, you've been writing on water dude!

When the lessons are few & you don't know what to do, Drink a Book & rhyme, rhyme, something, something.

When the wind blows:We should stop making lessons that rhyme they are a waste of time & make no sense like a jive talking mime.

195

I got some confess'n this ain't no lesson.

If you want fast cash run with it or something stupid & unfunny like that.

When reading a lesson you should learn.

The hardest lesson to learn is the one given by us.

Lesson Mania Week more like Lesson Mania Weak!

Getting something stuck in your teeth is like getting a needle stuck in a leaf they both create a bad lesson.



I don't mean to burst your bubble & that is why I made this lesson instead.

With so many lesson in Lesson Mania Week 2005 you may have trouble remembering them. So it is a good thing that we don't make them useful.



If you haven't learned your lesson yet then you shouldn't be teaching it.

196

Life

If you say "hey look at me" beware for one of the people there may stalk you for the rest of your life.

Not experiencing life full enough? Want to feel the happiness of a steady job & the thrill of quitting? Then get 2 identical jobs, just at different companies. Work at them for 5 years simultaneously. Quit one & you'll still have a steady job but also the thrill of quitting.

Don't live in the schlums become a bum.

Living in a buffer zone is dangerous when laying down.

Thinking about the future is important but don't think of the future as if you will live a million years more.

Don't like climbing stairs, then don't, so you can live a pitiful life.

Scared of life on other planets?Well you should be more scared of life on this planet.

Sand is an important part of life so important that 2 colours runs.

Life isn't about accomplishments. It’s about eating things that shouldn't go in your mouth but are still edible.



197

To live in a land is to live in a cave.

When life seems like a blur slow down & make sure you don't need glasses.


Faking your own death can be difficult but of course so can living your life.








Life sure would suck if the wind didn't blow



198

Don't let your life slip away because that could cause death.

Life can be confusing with all of the choosing that goes on.

A dwelling is a place where someone lives. When one dwells on something they are living on it.


199

Love

If you don't use deodorant, you truly love it.

The best storage container is the one that can contain your love for storing things.

If you don't care forever you don't care at all.

It is customary to throw rice at weddings, not dice.




The best place to fall in love is in front of a laundromat.


Man can love gold & money it is true but those things will never love you.


Love in your tummy is like the least yummy place to have it.

There is one good kind of heart attack and that is when your heart is attacked by love.

200

It is easy to be romantic when you are in love. All you have to do is tell the truth.

Love is like butter. It is better when spread.

You know you're in a good relationship when instead of wanting to ring each other's necks you want to ring each other's finger.


201

Machines

Microwaves are not robots, so they do not count as dependents on tax forms. Even if you do feed it everyday.

When using an appliance sure the start button may seem like a good way to use it but what about the on button?

If the 1st gear won't turn & the 2nd gear won't turn. The 3rd gear isn't going to listen to you either.

Humans have skin, Robots have tin, Time has when.



They should just make a faucet with a 3rd knob for warm.



Every boat needs a row bot.

If an elevator's weight limit is surpassed a new seemingly unlimited wait will ensue.

202

Math

Light Bulbs = Pro FitsSo don't come whining to me.

Safety=Danger

It is impossible to stand at the end of a line because a line never ends.


If you point a camera at a shoe store, it will leave.Also 500 miles of sludge is infirmed to 8 admonishing turbos.


Ground up=Air



Right angles like to gloat.




203

Money

Light Bulbs = Pro FitsSo don't come whining to me.

People rarely pass up a golden opportunity. That's because it's so valuable.

The cure to being poor is to get more.

Signs that say "soliciting not welcome" do not prohibit soliciting. It just means the people are impolite.

Fortune cookies will not make one rich unless the fortune says "you will become rich" not "your well became wretch."

If you ever wonder where you'll end up, the answer is:Wherever you find money on the ground.

Want money? Well don't get a job, just draw money likeness on paper & rub against real money to get the smell.This is called the placebo method.



So many people won the lottery this week that each winner actually got less money than they paid for the ticket.People who participate in the lottery are used to losing money though.

You should have to pay every time you look at a billboard.

204

If you don't want your bills to be sky-high, stop them before they get on that plane.

Tired of wearing the same old clothes?Well you ain't getting any money from me!

Put your toaster on a poster. Try to sell it, fail.

Buy a big box of ribbons & keep them as long you can. That way if ribbons ever become scarce you'll be the richest person in the world.

Talk is cheap, unless you are a television psychic.

If you are really poor & can't afford a calendar just use the same one & be laughed at by all the people you know the whole year.

Money isn't everything, if it was everything would look the same.

Coin collectors should be rich.

If you want fast cash run with it or something stupid & unfunny like that.

If you need money get rid of your toilet & sell fertilizer.

If you have a butt-load of money stop eating money!

Lesson RepriseIf you need money get rid of your toilet & go work for Mtv because they love crap.

When buying an envelope use money a.k.a. $.


205

It's important to pay attention in order to stay out of debt.

Debt is the one place that most people don't want to go to yet many take permanent vacations there.

Poor people can't have aides.

The reason why high fives are so popular is because a large percentage of U.S. currency bears traces of cocaine.

Man can love gold & money it is true but those things will never love you.

If you pay attention you may be in for more than you bargained for

Wealthy people usually have a wealth of arrogance.


Fans catch baseball games, the baseball players catch the baseball yet they are the ones who get paid.

Instead of buying a car buy money because if you ever need to sell money it likely won't have gone down in value as much.




206

It is hard to earn an honest buck because most US currency is filled with lies about eyes & various colored dyes.

Dollar signs & dollars pretty much look the same except for scale.

Imports are more important than deports.

It is hard to be self-motivated but one sure way to get yourself motivated is to bribe yourself.

You can't be alone if you have a loan.

Being on a fixed income is better than being on a broke income.


Money can be expensive so that is why it is important to save.





Cashiers handle the most money but make the least.207

When someone wins millions of dollars there are many screams & hollas.


For some getting approved for a credit is equivalent to being sentenced in court to pay a fine monthly.

Obese people can't afford to use cheap seats.

208

Music

Just because you can work on the railroad doesn’t mean you can whistle.

If you have a music band that is doing poorly, buying a box of band-aids won't help them. You need Neosporin®

When there's nothing left to do dance!Cause dancing will cheer anybody up....except the cripple.


Rocking chairs need not guitars to rock.


Making music is like making a sandwich. They both sound good.

While playing a musical instrument one can be quiet & loud at the same time.

Flashback Edition:You can make music without sound if you write it & no one plays it.

The sun played a concert & it did a sun set.


209


The great thing about sound is that when you hear it you know you aren't deaf.


Rock climbers usually get thrown off the stage.

The underground music scene tends to be darker.

210

Nature

Trees grow faster when they're small.

Constantly simulating Lawns does not make you Catastrosphere, because you are not Ultimate at doing it.

Giant trees with tennis racquets do not grow in indoor gardens.

Planting a radish garden? Make sure to not use varnish soaked land mines.

You can tell the tree to stand up but if you tell it to sit down it won't.So don't talk to trees, you picture torturing cellar monger.

It's ok to look at the sun at sunrise or sunset, just don't look at it in between.

If you like things that are shiny but don't like to shine them,look at the sun


If you think starlight is the only light at night, you should get electricity.

Gardens that grow very little should be called midget gardens.

Leaves are sleeves.. on branches.


211

Refrain from whispering in the moonlight, the trees will hear everything.

Never look at a cloud in the sky while it's eating a piece of pie.

Don't be afraid of trees but instead the bees near by.

The sounds of nature can be soothing.They can also make you want to go out shooting.


You can never know when Mars is blushing.

The sun is the solar system's space heater.

The sun played a concert & it did a sun set.





212

Numbers & Letters

If your ever find yourself in a tree & you want to get out of it just make sure you don't C a B or else it'll be a different letter.

Eyes are more like 6 O's than 2 I's

Don't count your ice cream cones before you get em.If you do you'll have to count them again.

Terrible Lesson:If you can't tell your A from your B or your 1 from your 2,move them closer or use a phone.

When someone says to you 'I never want to see U again' they'll have trouble reading.

Ever wonder who would win a fight between numbers & letters?It would probably be numbers because they out number the letters.




I sight is precious because without it lots of words wouldn't make sense.

It is not what you do that counts but rather why you do it. Unless what you do is count.

213


214

Ominous

Flashback EditionIt is nearly over when All that is left are dime lickers & envelope glue addicts. It is completely over when people begin to eat crackers on TOAST!

If you say "hey look at me" beware for one of the people there may stalk you for the rest of your life.

If you take away the 'y' in "It's all your fault" "It's all our fault"

Safety=Danger


Beware of whole kernel corn for it may wage war against you.

If anyone ever alludes to what will be written on your grave, don't argue for graffiti is always a possibility.


215

Optimism

Think Positively!"I always fail to succeed, unless I succeed to fail"


Sappy Edition:Being polite is like being a pole light, it brightens up the darkness.


Less people would procrastinate if the word were negativecrastinate.

216

People

If someone asks a group of people "Is everything ok?", the person who is not ok probably can't answer due to not being ok.


Getting lost in the woods at night can show you how much of a man you are. It can also show you how much of a man you aren't.

Flashback EditionSlack Jawed Yokels' Huking can raise self-esteem in decent human beings.






217

Ever heard of a sleepwalker? No. That's because they try not to wake anyone up.




When you like to make yourself dizzy but don't like being queasy, change your name.


If you're dumb and crazy, you should be a bum and lazy.

If you reach for the stars you are a stalker.

Old people have adventures with their dentures.No wait, they're just senile.

Stupid people are like goopkeinivot, they make no sense.

Ugly people are like sunlight they are nice to have around but you don't want to look directly at them.

You can fit an elf on a shelf.

If somebody says, "if you ask me.." & nobody asked them.They got no business talk'n.

Only smart people need be afraid of headshrinkers.

218

Tourists can be annoying, but don't blame them for not being from your country, blame their despotic ruler.


Just because your shirt has stitches doesn't mean you should get revenge on people that wear strawberries with sequins as necklaces.



Only drunks can truly make racial slurs.

People that sneeze a lot are just trying to get blessed without being good.

Beware! Homeless people may have houses because a house is not a home.

If people's skulls were transparent some people would be embarrassed.


When face-to-face with a dastardly salesman don't nod.


219

If you are old & gray, painting will go a long way.



Homeless people can be homely.


If you are too shy to make a toast at a special event don't buy a toaster.

If all of your friends jump off a bridge, remember it when picking new friends.




Lack of hair leads to despair.




220

When you reach retirement age remember..Oh yeah people at retirement age can't remember anything, never mind.

All people with two eyes have double vision.

If you ever get the feeling that someone is watching you that person has a very piercing stare.

One who struggles with problems has a lot of trouble on one's hands.

Even the laziest person can have a wild imagination.





Being selfish isn't being like yourself but liking yourself too much.

People who tend to panic for no apparent reason have an advantage of not having to "stay calm" when directed to because they were never calm to begin with



221





Stupid people will be confused all their lives if they are accidentally given the wrong nametag.

People with determination need to make a choice.

Being sick isn't healthy yet so many people do it!


Everyone starts out small.

The opposite of a nice guy is an ice guy because he is so cold.

The reason why the word 'race' was used to indicate persons belonging to the same genetic stock was due to the reason that all races are competitions. Which is why "The Man" is always trying to keep a brother (black guy) down.

When you act perfect doing so proves that you are not.

The reason why white supremacists are bald is because they don't even like black hair.

222

Pessimism

Stop being pessimistic!Don't think of them as empty threats (promises). Think of them as unfulfilled threats (promises).

When one thinks "I can't get any lower than this" better start digging.

Never say "things can't get worse" because then here comes the hearse.

People are such pessimist. Always looking down as they fall.

Piemerica

Constantly simulating Lawns does not make you Catastrosphere, because you are not Ultimate at doing it.

WARNING this lesson is one of the most important & truthful lessons we've ever had. We here at Piemerica realize that's not saying much but anyway:Omaha Nebraska is not a legend!


223

Pop Culture References

Yelling at fish may make them flee but yelling at apples will make them fall off that tree. At least it worked for Mr. T.

When seeing a plastic bag blow in the wind, don't go after because it's usually blowing across the heavily trafficated road.

Flashback EditionThey say that Jon Shaft is a bad mother. Although Jon Shaft is not a woman and has no children.



The only reason the U.S. is the world's best country is because Godzilla keeps destroying Japan.

When you're lost at sea don't bother me as if you could ha ha!

As the world turns.. put a "kick me" sign on its back.

Lesson RepriseIf you need money get rid of your toilet & go work for Mtv because they love crap.

It's hard to tell someone "what" because they always think you're asking them a question.


224

If you have a fear of failure you mind as well just stay scared.


Frankenstein wasn't confused he was a fused con.

If you can't tell the difference between the a bird, a plane, & a flying man get your eyes checked because they are of poor quality.



Jealousy is incredibly dangerous because its description resembles that of The Hulk.







Love in your tummy is like the least yummy place to have it.

225


Rock'Em Sock'Em Robots inspired Tom Cruise’s role in Risky Business

With balloons once you pop the fun does stop.


226

Religion

It has been said, "When all else fails try Jesus." But if he succeeds why not try Him first?


Christmas is about the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ not getting a swordand hunting mice. (by a sword & hunting mice we speak of a poor kid getting a dollar plastic sword and told "now you can hunt those mice like you always wanted to")

Bright light can burn the skin. No light can burn within.




The more light you let in the more the light lets you out.

If you keep believing in luck you're out of luck.


227

At revivals Methodists use the sprinkler system to accept people in the church.


228

Repetition

The longest lesson ever is the longest lesson ever.

It's important to practice redundancy.It's important to practice redundancy.

It is not important to practice redundancy.It is not important to practice redundancy.

Read something twice so it will sound familiar.

Taking action is taking action.



Breaking records is like broken records because people do it over & over again.

People who repeat themselves are always repeating themselves.

People who are double crossed the right way become stars.

229

Sadness

If 47 plateaus won't make you smile... then you probably don't like plateaus.



If you're sad you should kick a can but not so hard that it kicks back.. & relaxes.



If you're depressed get a shovel go into your backyard & start digging. I guarantee you'll never feel like dirt again.


Lack of hair leads to despair.

Sometimes tomorrow makes today better.



230


If one wanted to be a gravedigger as an adult & was asked "Where will you be in 10 years?" the person can legally say "In a grave." without sounding depressing.


It is more fun to write when one is sad because when one is happy fun isn't as fun.



A tidily wink is when you wink while crying.

231

School


I don't have any bad grades, they just don't know the difference between right & wrong.





Being unprepared is an easy way to get scared.

It is always smart to agree with facts. That way you seem right more often.

If you didn't miss something to begin with you wouldn't have to make things up such as excuses.



Fraternities have punch lines without the jokes while hazing.

232



233

Senselessness/Pointlessness

Eat bread it make glass shine.

When typing etc. etc. A dragon won't fit in a chair Droor.

Squirrels, no steam in the window.

Handles are not considered a sand.

Even a simple container busts when poorly smashed.

Three Day Flashback EditionThe only way I know to get out of a cage is not getting in it.

Taking residence in a shoe improves can lake cord have seat blast crop ham yacht bone valid activity.


Generals can't do usual things.

When using a ladle ah forgit it just don't fill up your lawn with intellectual cones.

Almond sized teapots do not contain plant ripped mobile homes, just stationary.



If I had an ice sickle for every time I rowed a lampshade down my driveway,well you know the rest...

234

If you ain't ate marbles since the 17th, you mind as well give up & jump in the sink.

Never mix a lanthanide with a pellet suit maple lengthener.

Poke a staircase in the lid it might open.

Abolish crate curves, soda lunger.

If you wear a coat...whoops! that's all I wrote.

Fight a tree. Bite your knee. Stung by a bee.

Sand is an important part of life so important that 2 colours runs.

If you're ever caught in a blizzard.. paleontologist aren't for juggling.

Magnets have peels in their circuits.

A large hill is like a cathartic pillage..

Never staple limes in your cover chair.

If you're ever walking down the hallway & you start flying you're not walking anymore. (pause) You're running.

Sometimes you need to get out.

Take time to rhyme, we did.

Memory is important so.............


Tall walls fall and make you drop your jaw when it's on y'all.

235

Sleep


Ever heard of a sleepwalker? No. That's because they try not to wake anyone up.

Take a map of your nap you'll be surprised where you have gone.

Never give up your dreams because if you do you'll only have nightmares.

One-day bedtime will take a new meaning. Beds will come alive & capture you, then forcing you to go to sleep, Bedtime will become dead time.


Flashback Edition:Wait until the sun comes up & then go to sleep.


At the end of the day sleep good, it's for your own well.

Having a guard dog can protect you.. from getting too much sleep.

The only reason why people retire is because as they get older their hearts can't take the sound of an alarm clock.

236

It is called beauty sleep yet most people who claim it look terrible in the morning.

Dreams come true until you fall asleep & dream anew.


One who is laying and sleeping is lazy or Lay Z.

Sleep is the one place everybody goes to.



237

(The Joe)

Of course you wouldn't understand because you're not as civilized as i am ... maaa hew hul huk.

Ya c dahts de problem with you kids today, you get bored too easy. (The Joe) only gets bored when there's nothing to eat.

Crazy? I'd have to be crazy to think I'm not crazy! In short, I don't think I'm crazy.


Someone ever tell you to "clean up that spill' but you don't see a spill. Spill something on them. Then they'll say "This bucket of rice develops faster than film. After all soft celery does clean up in an random assortment. Picking up the slime coat of a single pant. Rhetorical rock pile sat up in bluish gloom of a crane kite monolithic memory...." Wait, that's if (The Joe) talks to you.


Emperor MAR's birthday was yesterday & today is Labor Day.

If you've never met (The Joe) you don't know what you are missing & trust me you don't want to know.

If you want to become physically fit you're reading the wrong guy's lesson.

238

Want to become president of something but just can't be elected?Well as long as you don't have original ideas you shouldn't have to.

Instead of being interesting I'm just resting.- >Legend<

Take it from me Emperor MAR, building an empire is tough. I know this because I still haven't.

239

Time/Age

The fastest way to pass 2 hours is to set your clock wrong & walk by.

Catastrosphere's Lost LessonIf anyone ever says to you 'How are you doing today?' in the morning, just say 'It is too early in the day to properly evaluate this question.'

Don't know the difference of past, present, & future? Here you go:past- Something in front of youPresent- a form of giftFuture- a small amount of ture





Start the week off on the right foot.Just make sure you use the other during the week else you'll have trouble.

At one point doing things the old-fashioned way will seem new again.

Are you feeling low because it's the 22nd, well cheer up.I'm sure your ceiling feels worse.

240

If it's cold outside & you don't have the month of May, buy a new calendar

Today is Tuesday. I'm sure some of you needed to know that.

Looking for a December to remember? Try not to see anything suspicious or the government will erase your memory again

Monday is a fun day to complain.

If you are really poor & can't afford a calendar just use the same one & be laughed at by all the people you know the whole year.

The one thing the past has taught me is that time goes by.

The things I am reminded of the most are memories.


When planning for the past.. don't plan for the past.

Rituals can become ritualistic so spice it up by setting pepper on fire & throwing it in your face.


May is the most polite month.

Dogs go on dates too if you run out of newspaper.

If you are ever late don't worry but instead be in a hurry.

If you have to wait a long time, be late.

241


Patience is easily obtained if you are willing to wait for it.

Waiting until fall to do spring-cleaning can really make you realize why it is primarily done in the spring.

When someone is late you lose wait.

As time passes so shall men.

The only reason why people retire is because as they get older their hearts can't take the sound of an alarm clock.


Flashback Edition:The latest news is no longer informative.

Procrastinator's Edition:The more you hesitate the longer others wait & from that they may become irate. Those people will then debate your personal weight & being unable to relate to your hesitate trait they will turn to hate but won't be able to find the words to conjugate or create so their hate will abate because they can't desecrate your hesitate trait.

2004 no more. 2005 still alive. Sorry zombies.

Anticipation runs high in the new year. That is why we waited until the seventh to do this lesson.


242


Every time you turn the page know that in the time you spent on that you did age.





If noon were at 5pm gunslingers would say, "It's high five."

The past creates the present.

Do what you have to do when you want to do it unless there is a time you have to do it.

The past is our stepping-stone to new & wonderful futures.

Each day changes things or makes them more the same.

The hardest thing about being young is getting old.

Even evening is uneven depending upon your horizon.

You know you have a wait problem when you are impatient.

Obvious Edition:Growing old is like growing anything else. It takes time.

243

Day is a lot like night. They both consist of time.

Closing your eyes at night is somewhat pointless because it's already dark.

The best time to set your clock is at 12.

Should times sometimes override good times.

Summer salt & seasoning salt is the same thing.




Being a medical patient makes you patient.

If an elevator's weight limit is surpassed a new seemingly unlimited wait will ensue.

Winter could have been called fall because of all the slippery ice.

244

Transportation/Travel

When properly observing a stop sign. You do not need a go sign to proceed (after the stop).

When seeing a plastic bag blow in the wind, don't go after it because it's usually blowing across the heavily trafficated road.

When going on a car trip the best way to ensure you get there is keep enough gas in it to not run out.

Just because you can work on the railroad doesn’t mean you can whistle.

If you ever become a sailor & use a map remember the real land doesn’t have its name written on it.

If you are going to Alabama & don't have a sand box you may or may not be in trouble.

If driving & you take a wrong street the 2 best ways to get back are:1. Drive recklessly across people's lawns.2. Park in someone's garage & loiter soliciting as much as possible.

Flash Forward Edition: 2036 PiemericaThese new jet packs going around may seem fun but they can give you cancer if you crash into a cancer testing center.

Cars cannot fly so stay away from that downed bridge.

The only way to truly lye on a bridge is to get hit by a car. Then you are lying flat on the bridge.

245

An air crash doesn't make a plane go faster. So don't try to blow one up if you're late.

For some reason every time I think of the words 'getting hit by a car' I think of October 22, 2001.

If you're ever angry because you're stuck in traffic. Just laugh it off unless that laugh is a maniacal laugh.

Treading on thin ice is much more dangerous than walking on it.

Wheezing is not a good reason to rip off your eyebrows, grape juice stain a window seal, & then take your car back & forth through a toll booth just to get change for your brick brained snowman when its shoes bake in the oven for 4 ticks of a land mine.

It's always better to take a short cut, unless it involves the mob.




Take a map of your nap you'll be surprised where you have gone.

Don't go on a trip because public urination is illegal.

Digging a small hole & filling it with water is a waste of time, if you intend it to be put on a map, unless you're drawing your own map.

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Catastrosphere's Tip:When starting the engine of your car always be aware that someone may have planted...a tree in your drive way.

Having trouble getting past a moat? Use a boat.

Don't wreck your car cause if you do you might end up with one less shoe.

A good idea can take you a long way if the idea involves transportation.

If you don't want your bills to be sky-high, stop them before they get on that plane.

Let something drive you crazy.It's better to be chauffeured than to drive yourself there.

When crossing the road, stop & think long & hard about your safety.

When crashing a car on purpose remember you are crashing a car on purpose!


If you are ever in an autocar accident say, "I am a wreck"


When driving & dialing a cell phone at the same time beware for a fellow motorist may suggest you dial with an alternate finger.


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Look both ways before you cross the street because you never know what you may step in.

You can take a stroll in a bowl if you use it as a shoe & have a lot of glue.

Flashback Edition:Double reverse equals go.

Debt is the one place that most people don't want to go to yet many take permanent vacations there.

The faster your run the longer you'll stay inside.

There is plenty of room on a spaceship.


The longer cops patrol the more petrol they use.



Driveways are used for parking too.

Exit signs never leave.



Airplanes are easier to wish upon & they kinda look like shooting stars too.

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Drifters don't walk with a purpose.

Ignorant Lesson:Climbing a mountain is much like climbing a fountain except you don't get wet.

A fresh can of soda cannot fix a flat tire.


People who drive recklessly seem to wreck the most.

Scooters don't sound as though they would be fast vehicles.



Cars are always exhausted when on the go

Outer space is no reason for haste.

From a helicopter you can see the world. From a plane you can see the sky. From space you can see space. But you can never truly see our eyes.

If your car doesn't start the reason is because you pushed the break.

The reason why red lights are red is because if you drive while one is on you can become red too.Thick fog can lead to thick log.

Stop signs are written in manuscript, quite deceiving.

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Many fathers are bums because when in the car with their kids they are always looking for a hand out.

The best vehicle to get in a wreck with is an ambulance.


Tire irons do not promote tire traction.

It's easy to catch a train because it leaves tracks everywhere it goes.

Airplanes are like people because they enjoy taking off then landing.

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Violence

When someone tells you it's good to give, they are not talking about savage beatings or other violent acts.

Hiring a thug may help someone to get savagely beaten. Hiring a mug may help someone to drink something after they've eaten.

If a potato wedge had arms it would probably try to punch you a couple of times before you eat it, but you wouldn't care since it had no hands.

If anyone ever tells you to put on a happy face & you see someone smiling & decide to rip their face off they nor their face will be happy anymore.

A lesson for the AgesIt's hot when summer rolls around so: Killing in cold blood won't cool you off & If you ever say to yourself "animals shed fur to cool off maybe I should shed blood" Well, don't give it a second thought or else you might do it twice.


If a thug draws a knife on you wash it off.

If you try to fight the urge to fight, you've already lost.

Revenge can be sweet if coated in sugar.

If you're walking on the sidewalk you shouldn't walk sideways you should get a Savage Beating.


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If you ever find a superhero's cape think to yourself"Do I know of any superheroes with magical capes?"If not give it back because the superhero will consider you a villain for having its cape & you'll get beat up.

In this crime filled world today, You don't need to lock your doors, nobody wants to go to your house.

When paint is about to crack stand back because it may do something crazy!

Want to give your kids a great presentGive them something they'll never forget but won't be able to remember,A savage beating.


If you want to beat someone up, beat up a mime. They can't yell for help or tell on you.

If you can't beat 'em join 'em unless they're beating you


When training to fight practice on a cactus, so you will either increase your tolerance for pain or have sharp fists.



As the world turns.. put a "kick me" sign on its back.252

Next time you hear about the Million Man March don't kill a million men in March.

Ever wonder who would win a fight between numbers & letters?It would probably be numbers because they out number the letters.


When a lazy man punches in a comic it should say slack as a sound effect.

It is pointless to punch sand.

Light switches are not recommended when savagely beating a child.

Attempting to punch out a walrus is not a good Idea.

The sounds of nature can be soothing.They can also make you want to go out shooting.


When push comes to shove, pull ... out a baseball bat.



Having a clubfoot & knowing a martial art would be a fun combination.

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If someone knocks a hole in the wall let them know they were supposed to knock on the door.

Violence is never the answer because there is no question as to whether you should use it.

If noon were at 5pm gunslingers would say, "It's high five."

The club sandwich is the most dangerous sandwich.

Sometimes it is ok to split someone's wig, such as parting their wig's hair with a comb.

Soldiers fill in the blanks with b_ullets.




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Weather

If it is raining at night & you go out for a stroll in the sunshine, it won't work.

If you think winter is cold just wait till after fall then it will be cold.

If it's cold outside & you don't have the month of May, buy a new calendar


If you're ever caught in a blizzard.. paleontologist aren't for juggling.

The perfect time to run in slow motion is when it's windy out, that way it fells like you're really going fast.

If it is hot outside & someone complains just tell them"Lighten up it's the 90s"

Calm is always easy before the storm.

When it rains it pours but not rain.


Surprisingly it is more dangerous to carry a windshield around in a hurricane.


Floods are devastating & sad yet most people seem to keep their chin up.

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Life sure would suck if the wind didn't blow

The great thing about rain is that you can urinate & no one would even know it.

Throwing caution to the wind is safer than throwing danger to the wind.

One cannot catch a breeze.

Thick fog can lead to thick log.



A brainstorm can be more dangerous than a hailstorm.


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Work

Not experiencing life full enough? Want to feel the happiness of a steady job & the thrill of quitting? Then get 2 identical jobs, just at different companies. Work at them for 5 years simultaneously. Quit one & you'll still have a steady job but also the thrill of quitting.

Just because you make something doesn't mean you own it. This especially goes for factory workers.

Whenever you think to yourself "the only way to sop is with a mop?" You should think "I'm an idiot with no life because why should I ask myself a statement that's so true."

Controlling wall rust can be a difficult task just clean a certain area & the rust may form around it.

Glue & nails don't mix, they fix.

If you want to have Thanksgiving for a living be a 'yes man' or 'yes woman'


Yard work is hard work but not compared to rock smashing





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Do what you have to do when you want to do it unless there is a time you have to do it.

In acting mistakes count twice.

Even though they are called 'waiters' we are the ones waiting.


The worst kind of dentist is the one that is root'n & toot'n


Cashiers handle the most money but make the least.



Babysitting is the worst kind of sitting.





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The End

So this is the end of the book. It has been a long ride making this book, good thing typoing ohn aye laptopp en ai bus does n't mess u^p thengs lyke et wuld wif hand righting scribblys end aul.

Whenever I first started writing lessons, well actually ever since I 'found' the entire lesson catalog from a poor Tuvalun boy, I've always wanted to get money from people. Now that this book has been dropped, as the non-book drinkers say, I will gain the fortune of ten East Timor men!

Another thing I've learned from making this book is that you can't drink a book before it is published. Can you say “Floccinaucinihilipilification” (yep that describes this book) or just say “electrocuted.” Aww it's so cute.

I think after I become rich I'll visit the country of Krungthepmahanakornamornratanakosinmahintarayutthayamahadilokphopnopparatrajathaniburiromudomrajaniwesmahasatharnamornphimarnavatarnsathitsakkattiyavisanukamprasit (I only said it like that because the simple version wouldn't be appropriate for a family friendly book such as this).

But this wasn't the first time, oh no we went to the college barn because we are old and didn't have skeletons in our classrooms or closets and science helps us discover things such as the readily made bed which is for sleeping. If I were sleeping I'd be a sleepwalker because I never exercise during the day and of course I don't want to do so. If you can't read consonants then the end of the last sentence said “ooo”, are you scared?

You might call this bonus material you know like the worm bonus you may find in homegrown apples. I'm not smart just smart enough to do research. If your window shuts too entirely fast wait I'm through giving lessons. It is up to you now to spread the words Lesson Mania on your tasty toasty toast.. Yummerific!

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About the AuthorMichael Reyes also known as Emperor MAR also known as (The Joe) Legend also known as As. The Living Sentence Fragment wrote this book. Maybe he'll write another book or perhaps the book has already written him......................................................

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Date post:	03-Feb-2016
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Lesson Mania! Chronological & Categorical Ed.

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