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Lesson Mania!

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Informative comedy lessons categorized for your needs.Visit http://piemerica.org as we are still having new lessons come about.Book originally released as a publish on demand paperback October 28, 2006.From Back Cover:"Some people will never learn. The sad thing is most of those people go to school."Now everyone can learn! Lesson Mania will learn you how to laugh, cry, & then sit staring blankly.Lesson Mania! will improve your life greatly as you carry on the knowledge of things that most people just don't realize.."The perfect time to run in slow-motion is when its windy out, that way it fells like you're really like you're really going fast."Lesson Mania! offers help for situations of everyday life.."If your zipper ever gets stuck use a zip code."Lesson Mania! will eqip you for success in the buisness world.."A good idea can take you a long way if the idea involves transportation."Lesson Mania! indeed recounts precise history lessons most people tend to overlook.."Sadly in the 1980s many poor kids had to play with the other kind of transformers.."Lesson Mania! gets deep so even the most arrogant/intelligent people have things they can learn.."It is not what you do that counts but rather why you do it. Unless what you do is count."And you'll even be more able to survive the mean streets.."If a thug draws a knife on you wash it off."Lesson Mania isn't just hilarious it's huh?larious!
Transcript:
  • Lesson Mania!Written by Michael Aaron Reyes

    Emperor of Piemerica 1998-2006 Michael Reyes, Piemerica

  • Contents61 Categories

    Advice............................... 1Animals............................. 5Ascending & Descending..9Bad Smells.......................10Battle of the Sexes...........12The Blues.........................13Clichs............................. 14Communication............... 19Corporate......................... 24Crime............................... 26Culture/Society................28Death............................... 31Digging/Dirt.................... 35Drinking Books............... 36Drugs............................... 37Family..............................38Fashion............................ 40Fear..................................43Fire and Lots of It............45Food/Eating..................... 47Friends............................. 56Fun...................................58Future...............................60Games..............................61Giving..............................63Goals................................65Government..................... 67History Lessons............... 69Holiday Lessons.............. 71Inanimate Objects............73Informative...................... 77Injury............................... 81Intelligence...................... 84

    Learning...........................85Lesson Lessons................86Life.................................. 88Love.................................91Machines......................... 93Math.................................94Money..............................95Music............................. 100Nature............................ 102Numbers & Letters........ 104Ominous........................ 106Optimism....................... 107People............................ 108Pessimism......................114Piemerica....................... 114Pop Culture References.115Religion......................... 118Repetition...................... 120Sadness.......................... 121School............................123Senselessness/Pointlessness....................................... 125Sleep.............................. 127(The Joe)........................129Time/Age.......................131Transportation/Travel....136Violence.........................142Weather......................... 146Work..............................148

    Top Lessons...................150The End......................... 151

    II

  • Advice

    Don't live in the schlums become a bum.

    If someone takes something of yours & puts it in a light plastic bag, with a lock on it, rip the lock off the bag & look inside because there's probably a key to the lock in the bag.

    Wheezing is not a good reason to rip off your eyebrows, grape juice stain a window seal, & then take your car back & forth through a toll booth just to get change for your brick brained snowman when its shoes bake in the oven for 4 ticks of a land mine.

    When you are sick here's a trick "eat poison"

    If you break something before you get it wet, the water won't hurt it.

    If you try to fight the urge to fight, you've already lost.

    Over confidence can be bad, such as, "I can walk off a cliff with out falling."

    If your zipper ever gets stuck use a zip code.

    If you want to discover something new, buy a new item put it under your blanket & take your blanket off.

    If you don't want the mailman to know where you live, kill yourself.

    Don't learn from your mistakes because they are mistakesthey don't know what they are talking about.

    Don't mow your lawn chair.

    1

  • Remember if you ever get your leg caught in a bag rinsing it will get the bag wet.

    The proper way to handle anger is with a handle, duh!

    Be nice & brush your teeth, that way they won't chew you out.

    When paint is about to crack stand back because it may do something crazy!

    If you want someone out of your house put a welcome mat inside the house facing out the door as if to say "Welcome out" or just spray paint 'not' above the word 'welcome'.

    If your water cries throw it on the fire.

    When arguing at sea don't go overboard.

    Trying to contort one's palm always comes up empty handed.

    Confiscating without cause is theft.

    Never watch a scary movie at a murderers house.

    If you love ice & steam but hate water, you have a long life ahead of you.

    When someone tells you you'll never see something again just blink.

    The best way to be first in a line is to say "Everybody follow me."

    If you run while wearing a jogging suit you can be sued for false advertising.

    2

  • Never let a witch tell you to be quiet for you would cease to exist.

    Always stay close to the door & don't ask me "What for?"

    Never whisper behind someone's back. Whispering is enough.

    Never take a wild stab in the dark.

    Dangerous situations require decisive action. Delicious situations require dicing action.

    It is customary to throw rice at weddings, not dice.

    Lonely? Then pick up the phone & don't dial. You'll have a nice one-sided conversation.

    If you don't expect anything it makes what you do get all the better.

    When life seems like a blur slow down & make sure you don't need glasses.

    It's important to pay attention in order to stay out of debt.

    Become a fat ugly moron because opposites attract.

    Practical jokes are a practical way of helping others train for emergency situations.

    Patience is easily obtained if you are willing to wait for it.

    The key to finding something better is looking.

    You don't have to take offense it is your choice.

    3

  • The best place to have a fit is a tailor shop.

    You don't have to be on the lookout for strange signs because those are the most obvious.

    To keep warm in a blizzard use a blanket of snow.

    "Free!" is always a good sign.

    Remember always safety first.. well actually always remember first.

    If you keep believing in luck you're out of luck.

    Question questions & you'll always have something to do.

    It is always smart to agree with facts. That way you seem right more often.

    When is enough enough? When your definition of enough is too much.

    If you're out of shape go back inside.

    Poor attributes need enrichment.

    The best way to get to the root of a problem is to use a lumber jack.

    It's good to be out of your mind because your mind is the one who should be in you.

    If you ever loose your eyeballs the best place to look for them is.. oops sorry.

    4

  • Animals

    Yelling at fish may make them flee but yelling at apples will make them fall off that tree. At least it worked for Mr. T.

    When typing etc. etc. A dragon won't fit in a chair Droor.

    Squirrels, no steam in the window.

    Tasting cobblestones is not a good way to become popular among the fishes.

    Catastrosphere's LessonIf trying to train a German Shepard it is easier when not wearing a suit made of meat.

    Cats can see at night, by this I conclude many people sleep at night.

    The micro-cultures of this world will not stand for our ruling over them with soap. This is because they don't have legs.

    "...sharks can be a delightful friend, in cartoons. It wouldn't bother me much if a shark came after me in the water. I can't swim so there is a .001% chance of it saving my life....My tip is to swim with fish & let them get eaten."

    A lesson for the AgesIt's hot when summer rolls around so: Killing in cold blood won't cool you off & If you ever say to yourself "animals shed fur to cool off maybe I should shed blood" Well, don't give it a second thought or else you might do it twice.

    5

  • Flash Forward EditionComputers are afraid of dogs because in a way they have become mailmen.

    When fishing with a pinecone there's always gonna be a little bit of sorrow from the seal.

    Rabbit sculptures look like rabbits but if carved up enough will look as something else.

    If my bottle cap wore a snowshoe it'd be put on tv If I wore a second one I'd be jumped by a flea.

    Anyone ever tell you to get off your high horse?Just say "but the horse is too high, I'll fall to my doom!"

    The cows will come home when pigs fly because the pigs will show them the way

    The bird chirps.The man burps.

    You know why aliens aren't around anymore?Because, they used tortoises as laborer's & when we found out we laughed at them. Now they're too ashamed to show their faces.

    Spooky things happen if you let platypuses vote.

    Bees are nice if you give them honey.Bees are mice if you dress them funny.

    Vampire bats make great hats. The problem is they want to be necklaces.

    If bees had fleas I think I would sneeze.

    6

  • If your moth likes cucumber shoes & you don't have light serf, buff your floor with mashed up salmon hair until the dog eats a envelope of varnish & then tackle a infected tree.

    Mice are nice they just have hideous emotional problems.

    Always be careful when shooting spit wads at a lion, you don't want it to be not angry.

    Dogs go on dates too if you run out of newspaper.

    Don't be afraid of trees but instead the bees near by.

    When an ox wears a crown you should be sad because of your poorness.

    If you try to change a bird you will find that birds don't wear clothes.

    A sure cure for loneliness is by putting a feather in your cap. The animal rights activist will never leave you alone.

    Bears don't wear clothes so please don't make a joke about it.

    The sweet song of bird is often overheard.The sweet song of man is not heard when he's on the can.

    Having a guard dog can protect you.. from getting too much sleep.

    Fear the lion not the roar.

    Crackers are one of the few ways to exert dominance over large & powerful animals.

    7

  • Birds can easily hear high-pitched voices.

    Charlie Brown could have been called Charlie Horse because horses are brown sometimes.

    Some people may find that if they don't give a dog a bone it will take it.

    Being safe doesn't involve bees.

    Cows never utter a word.

    You cannot put a piranha in a toilet as a practical joke on a friend because if you do this person obviously wasn't your friend.

    The catapult wasn't named as such because it launched cats into the air but rather because it launched pults.

    The straw that broke the camel's back was a fat farmer who blamed his hat.

    Men are dogs mainly because dogs chase cats.

    Kitty cats' favorite types of instruments are stringed.

    The early bird gets the worm. This principle is also why your dogs & cats should sleep in.

    Cerebral Pawsy is the name of the disease where a dog has a foot stuck in its head.

    Dogs & cats didn't used to be enemies until they started watching cartoons.

    Kangaroos are the best at growing leaps & bounds.

    8

  • Ascending & Descending

    Don't like climbing stairs, then don't, so you can live a pitiful life.

    Can't find your hat?Then get up on a ladder while wearing rhinestones,... it's something to do!

    If you have a problem don't use an escalator.

    If you ever get on a really slow escalator it's probably stairs.

    When climbing a ladder here's a thing to remember.Don't climb a ladder up a tree after someone says "timber!"

    Never climb an incredibly small latter upside down.

    Up & Down are opposites & that's why they like each other.

    Bad Smells

    Asking someone to do something & them doing it is never sure. Getting someone to run when you poo something will get them out that door.

    If ever walking down the street & a bum begins talking, hurry away for it will stink there soon.

    If you ever buy brown shoes but the other shoes of the same type aren't brown, there's a bum in the store.

    9

  • If you want to sound smart dont fart!Dont fart anyway.

    If you need money get rid of your toilet & sell fertilizer.

    If you have a butt-load of money stop eating money!

    If you need money get rid of your toilet & go work for Mtv because they love crap.

    Look both ways before you cross the street because you never know what you may step in.

    The sweet song of bird is often overheard.The sweet song of man is not heard when he's on the can.

    Having a pitiful life stinks.

    Feelings are like the cherry on top or the poo on yo shoeDepending on whether good or bad

    The great thing about rain is that you can urinate & no one would even know it.

    The reason why they call it diarrhea "the runs" is because you have to run to a toilette often.

    The cheese stands alone because it cuts itself.

    Battle of the Sexes

    If woman ever calls you a pig just say,"Would you like a side of bacon or some sausage?"in order to justify what she said.

    Women like fire may look good but touching them can be dangerous.

    10

  • Become a fat ugly moron because opposites attract.

    Booby traps are the best traps to fall into.

    Bicycles will let anyone ride them.

    Men are dogs mainly because dogs chase cats.

    Girls are obsessed with looks & guys are obsessed with looking.

    You know you're in a good relationship when instead of wanting to ring each other's necks you want to ring each other's finger.

    The reason why people refer to cars as feminine is because most car lovers are men & they don't want to sound gay.

    Single people, live everyday as though it were the last day of your life. Even better married guys, live everyday as though it were the first day of your wife.

    The Blues

    If your shoes are giving you the blues you need bigger shoes.

    Socks & shoes go together like pizza & the blues.

    Good news reverses the blues.

    The tv news is the quickest & easiest place to catch the blues.

    11

  • Clichs

    Remember a picture is worth a thousand words, not a picture can say a thousand words. So stop torturing them in your cellar.

    If you ever get to the point where you can't take it anymore.... give it out.

    Feeling dirty? Then get off your soap box because that's where your soap is.

    Start the week off on the right foot.Just make sure you use the other during the week else you'll have trouble.

    The cows will come home when pigs fly because the pigs will show them the way.

    Get an old man who used to play a sport to play it again.If he says, "I'm a little rusty" report this to the government for they do not like androids. (Robots for you dumb people)

    Actions speak louder than words.Words speak louder than silence although silence may have the most to say.

    Sticks & stones may break your bones but that doesn't mean your bones are made out of sticks so stop rubbing your hands together, Now!

    If a tree falls in the forest be glad you don't live in the forest.

    12

  • "Home is where the heart is" does not mean to cut out people's hearts & live there or sell them you real-estate agents you.

    If tea isn't your cup of tea.. thermos maybe?...

    Keep your friends close & your enemies closer and no fat people that doesn't mean eat them

    If it is hot outside & someone complains just tell them"Lighten up it's the 90s"

    Train owners in the 1800s were very bad people so that they could get much coal every Christmas.

    When the dust settles be hospitable.

    Roads don't hit back.

    Never take a wild stab in the dark.

    Ice cubes are excellent substitutes for chill pills.

    When you're told, "there is nothing to fear but fear itself" fear almonds too, just for good measure.

    The following classic statement was spoken in a conversation between two fat people & should only be replicated as such."Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you."The rubber & glue part was added later.. to protect the non innoent.

    Hide & go seek gone wrong: You have a skeleton in your closet.

    Nobody ever said I want to be an envelope when I grow up, nobody.

    13

  • Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you except in the case of whittling.

    Become a fat ugly moron because opposites attract.

    If you can't tell the difference between the a bird, a plane, & a flying man get your eyes checked because they are of poor quality.

    The bigger they are the softer they fall.

    Up & Down are opposites & that's why they like each other.

    Whistling while you're lazy can't be done.

    Never wear your heart on your sleeve because you may need to sneeze.

    If the old saying "You are what you eat" were true I'm sure there would be more cannibals.

    Due to the modern popularization of tattoos the phrase "Read my lips." can now be taken literally.

    There's no riddance like good riddance.

    When push comes to shove, pull ... out a baseball bat.

    When one asks "Is the glass half empty, or half full?" Notify them that the cup does not remain at half point for long if it is ever even that precise.

    When someone says "Stranger things have happened" respond "Yes because people use that phrase all the time."

    Looks can be deceiving but not as much as words.

    14

  • Calm is always easy before the storm.

    Some people may find that if they don't give a dog a bone it will take it.

    Only fools rush in..to things while in shopping carts.

    Don't believe everything you hear because sometimes you will hear lies.

    People who watch their back have trouble seeing where they are going but they do know where they have been.

    Some people tell you "It is not polite to point" yet those same people have no problem pointing that out to you.

    Bad company corrupts good characters. We're talking about Warner Brothers.

    If practice makes perfect then no one has ever practiced.

    Be careful what you wish for because you are almost certain to be disappointed.

    No one has ever run out of time before.

    The straw who broke the camel's back was a fat farmer who blamed his hat.

    Face the facts. Read a book.

    People who live life in the fast lane travel in RVs.

    Throwing caution to the wind is safer than throwing danger to the wind.

    15

  • People who agree to disagree don't really agree at all.

    Money is the root of all evil and pirates buried their treasure which means pirates are far more evil than we ever imagined.

    Take pictures of gum it'll last longer.

    The cheese stands alone because it cuts itself.

    The grass is always greener when you sneeze.

    The early bird gets the worm. This principle is also why your dogs & cats should sleep in.

    There's no tell'n what happened because there's no ask'n.

    A penny saved is a penny earned but in the south a penny saved is a penny ironed.

    Don't shoot the messenger lest the message reads, "I am the messenger & I'm going to kill you!"

    The best way to get to the root of a problem is to use a lumber jack.

    Communication

    If someone asks a group of people Is everything ok?, the person who is not ok probably can't answer due to not being ok.

    Asking someone to do something & them doing it is never sure. Getting someone to run when you poo something will get them out that door.

    16

  • A writing utensil is not something you use to talk to your food with; when your parents tell you to be quiet at the dinner table.

    if you are looking for answers first you need questions.

    If anyone ever tells you to put on a happy face & you see someone smiling & decide to rip their face off they nor their face will be happy anymore.

    Catastrosphere's Lost LessonIf anyone ever says to you 'How are you doing today?' in the morning, just say 'It is too early in the day to properly evaluate this question.'

    If someone says to you "I have to get a drink to water" you may think them at fault thinking they meant to say "I have to get a drink of water" but if they are talking about kool-aid or a dry mix drink. Then you are at fault if you point that out.

    If ever walking down the street & a bum begins talking, hurry away for it will stink there soon.

    Someone ever tell you to "clean up that spill' but you don't see a spill. Spill something on them. Then they'll say "This bucket of rice develops faster than film. After all soft celery does clean up in an random assortment. Picking up the slime coat of a single pant. Rhetorical rock pile sat up in bluish gloom of a crane kite monolithic memory...." Wait, that's if (The Joe) talks to you.

    You know someone is nice when they say thank you twice.

    You can tell the tree to stand up but if you tell it to sit down it won't.So don't talk to trees, you picture torturing cellar monger.

    17

  • If you say something is still cool it could mean it's frozen.

    When in an emergency & one says "stay calm"Then you think "I'm not Calm, I'm blank name"You should panic so you get thrown out.

    If the last word someone ever says is shut up, they were talking to their self.

    Anyone ever tell you to get off your high horse?Just say "but the horse is too high, I'll fall to my doom!"

    If someone tells someone else to 'duck' & they go about talking about push brooms, back slowly out of the door or window.

    When you have a canopy & someone says "eew! you have a can of pee!"Tell them "The wrench won't split for a dime wafer" & push them off your porch.

    Talk is cheap, unless you are a television psychic.If somebody says, "if you ask me.." & nobody asked them.They got no business talk'n.

    If you want someone out of your house put a welcome mat inside the house facing out the door as if to say "Welcome out" or just spray paint 'not' above the word 'welcome'.

    When arguing at sea don't go overboard.

    When someone tells you you'll never see something again just blink.

    It's confusing to listen to two speakers at the same time.

    18

  • It's hard to tell someone "what" because they always think you're asking them a question.

    Never whisper behind someone's back. Whispering is enough.

    Talking to your mirror is like talking to yourself.

    You can get away with anything using an or.

    Following a question respond "Don't ask, because you already did."

    Sometimes you think you've outsmarted someone when in actuality you've just made a fool of yourself.

    People that keep quiet need to pass it around a little more.

    If your voice sounds like that of an idiot simply talk only to babies & no one will notice.Never believe anyone who says "It's backwards day." unless they say it like this:.yad sdrawkcab stI

    Some things are best left unsaid. "Look out!" is not one of those things.

    When someone says "Are you there?" just disregard the T & everything will be just fine.

    Take time to rhyme, we did.

    Both fast & slow moving people may tell you to "hold on."

    Some people would talk less if they actually listened to themselves.

    19

  • Some people tell you "It is not polite to point" yet those same people have no problem pointing that out to you.

    People can listen to the radio but they can't listen to each other.

    Try to get someone to wish you well at their birthday party.

    The idea of asking someone to guess "What?" is because "What?" is a question & them saying that gets you the ability to ask them what they want.

    You can't tell unless you hear first.

    People who agree to disagree don't really agree at all.

    Flashback Edition:When someone says "Pssst" that means they've sprung a leak.The reason why the word 'race' was used to indicate persons belonging to the same genetic stock was due to the reason that all races are competitions. Which is why "The Man" is always trying to keep a brother (black guy) down.

    There's no tell'n what happened because there's no ask'n.

    A penny saved is a penny earned but in the south a penny saved is a penny ironed.

    20

  • Corporate

    Meetings are fleeting without eating.

    If there were evil corporate businesses that secretly ran our country.. whoops! too late for this lesson!

    There's always room for Jell-O,this means every building must have a room just for Jell-O or you'll be arrested.

    If you think pulling a ribbon out into a snowstorm will help you..manufacture boxes, you're right. It's a big secret.

    Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper but regular Dr. Pepper doesnt taste more like Diet Dr. Pepper.

    If you smile while soaping up with Dial you can be in a commercial.

    You can stop avoiding the Noid now.

    If you get dizzy while eating Doritos stop spinning! (note please give us free Doritos for mentioning you Frito-Lay)

    If you hate working for McDonalds & want to take them down from the inside offer free refills of French fries.

    One thing that can ruin your LIFE brand cereal is running out of milk.

    Golf will become hipper when golfers begin to use Butter Putters, Screw Drivers, & Potato Wedges.

    21

  • Exchanging ideas can lead to the person you exchanged them with exchanging your idea for cash.

    A lot of people smoke but people in high-powered positions fire.

    Big business leads to big consumers

    Chicken pox is still better for you than chicken nuggets.

    You can't put a price on happiness except with a Happy Meal.You can't put a price on love except with roses & a card.You can't put a price on family unless it is bail.

    You can have your appetite curved by a diet pill and still be curved afterwards.

    The Jolly Green Giant is jolly because he has never had to eat vegetables; he claims, "Eating vegetables would be like cannibalism to me".

    Crime

    If driving & you take a wrong street the 2 best ways to get back are:1. Drive recklessly across people's lawns.2. Park in someone's garage & loiter soliciting as much as possible.

    Its always better to take a short cut, unless it involves the mob.

    People with terminal diseases should fight crime, they don't know when they're gonna die anyway.

    22

  • 14% of people who want to be fire fighters actually take boxing gloves & light buildings on fire to fight it.Then they get thrown in jail for arson.. sad.

    In this crime filled world today, You don't need to lock your doors, nobody wants to go to your house.

    Thieves maybe able to steal your material possessions but they can't steal your sadness &/or anger.

    It's easy to be a pickpocket just choose.

    Confiscating without cause is theft.

    The best time to catch a thief is daylight savings time say "Don't forget to give back my clock."

    Double your Will power by kidnapping.

    Don't take candy from strangers that is stealing.

    When someone says, "It takes time" they are talking about the gigantic clock stealing monster. However when someone said "It takes time" 50 years ago they were talking about the small clock stealing monster.When told to "take a seat" don't.

    The more rules one has the more rules there are to break.

    Mobsters are often confused when told to take out the trash.

    A problem with a museum can be dealt with by facing or defacing.

    Someone who mimics you without permission is guilty of copyright infringement.

    23

  • You can't pick your family but you can pick your family out of a police line up.

    When the mob throws someone in the river there is plenty of concrete evidence.

    On certain occasions partners in crime have to part ways during a chase. The slower partner sometimes says "Make a run for it!" The faster, often dumber partner, confused runs for it but not knowing what it is. While traveling down the street in leg foot fashion he passes a sign then chooses to stop and take it along with him. Returning to the hidden layer with his partner arriving soon thereafter they begin to discuss the sign and the potentials it expounds regarding a run for public office. They decide doing so would be more profitable, stealing money wise, than robbing banks ever had been and thus another politician is born.

    Thieves prey on the unsuspecting which is why thieves themselves never get robbed.

    A prisoner is an inmate but a jailer is not.

    Culture/Society

    If you are thinking about becoming a cannibal listen to this first. Human beings are not made in factories & are not manufactured in flavors.

    If someone asks you to go fencing with them & you bring your sword. Just run the guy through for being so culturally insensitive.

    Television is a perfect way to learn.. about bad acting.

    If you reach for the stars you are a stalker.

    24

  • When driving & dialing a cell phone at the same time beware for a fellow motorist may suggest you dial with an alternate finger.

    A sure cure for loneliness is by putting a feather in your cap. The animal rights activist will never leave you alone.

    A mall fountain's change can feed a starving child for 2 years.

    Some things will never change but you can be sure that one thing will, the channel.

    Don't go boating when you should be voting.

    Due to the modern popularization of tattoos the phrase "Read my lips." can now be taken literally.

    The reason why high fives are so popular is because a large percentage of U.S. currency bears traces of cocaine.

    Online comics always get a good response, lol.

    Kids draw pictures but the only thing grownups draw is lottery tickets.

    Due to the popularity of plastic surgery the term "picking your nose" takes on a whole new meaning.

    One-day cell phones will get so small people will call them cell phones.

    Americans prefer to store fat in their spare tire rather than air.

    Take a stroll down your street & wave to all the smiling faces but don't worry you won't have to wave much if at all.

    25

  • The most common things raised on Amish farms are barns & children.

    Slick surfaces are revered by nerd surfaces.

    Most people just condition their air rather than their bodies.

    People can listen to the radio but they can't listen to each other.

    The tv news is the quickest & easiest place to catch the blues.

    The color of your skin doesn't matter unless want to tan or you spilt paint on yourself.

    Having a celebrity's signature as a tattoo is just like having life insurance.

    It is no justice when your to go drink is just ice.

    Most people don't sit in the streets so it is quite easy to be an upstanding citizen.

    Due to the current state of American teenagers, when one of them is thinking, everyone thinks that something is wrong with them.

    You can have your appetite curved by a diet pill and still be curved afterwards.

    Hollywood's young starlets often suffer from StaRvation.

    Reading and writing are the fundamentals of education but don't worry if you can't read or write itdle be aight just become a famous rapper. Yea boy a bonafide ho slapper.

    26

  • Death

    Do not play dead in a freshly dug grave.

    "...sharks can be a delightful friend, in cartoons. It wouldn't bother me much if a shark came after me in the water. I can't swim so there is a .001% chance of it saving my life....My tip is to swim with fish & let them get eaten."

    Old mayonnaise may be wiser than new mayonnaise but new mayonnaise won't give a life defying disease.

    If your cry'n so much you're die'n drink some water.

    If you're gonna kill make sure to thrill. That way people won't get as mad.

    If you're going to put on a purple noose at least try to look stylish.

    I trained the train to run me over. I was sad to see it go.

    When you are sick here's a trick "eat poison"

    Walking on a rafter will make you feel alive unless you stop walking the bad way.

    When in an emergency & one says, "stay calm"Then you think, "I'm not Calm, I'm blank name"You should panic so you get thrown out.

    If the last word someone ever says is shut up, they were talking to their self.

    If you don't want the mailman to know where you live, kill yourself.

    27

  • People with terminal diseases should fight crime, they don't know when they're gonna die anyway.

    Digging something up can be exciting & illegal.

    When the noose becomes the latest fashion it won't last long. wink wink

    The ocean is a troubling place to be if you can't swim.Milk is a terrible thing if skim.

    One-day bedtime will take a new meaning. Beds will come alive & capture you, then forcing you to go to sleep, Bedtime will become dead time.

    You don't need a pillow. Just put your head in a pillowcase before you go to sleep. You'll never have to worry about waking up tired again (or at all..).

    If anyone ever alludes to what will be written on your grave, don't argue for graffiti is always a possibility.

    Digging up a corpse is fun as long as you don't get done.

    Move to a third world country before you die.

    Never say "things can't get worse" because then here comes the hearse.

    When death comes a'knock'n tell it to use the doorbell next time.

    When one finds out that one is worth more dead than alive, it is a natural move to fake one's death.

    If you find out that you are worth more dead than alive don't tell your friends.

    28

  • Hide & go seek gone wrong: You have a skeleton in your closet.

    All good friends eventually have a dead end.

    With a simple stroke of a brush the can of brushes become saddened.

    Hopes are like ropes, they can help you get to the top yet they can also hang you.

    As time passes so shall men.

    Shooting a clock is the busy man's equivalent to wasting time..

    Faking your own death can be difficult but of course so can living your life.

    2004 no more. 2005 still alive. Sorry zombies.

    When you express happiness when someone has died that is good mourning.

    People who are underweight are easily crushed.

    You shouldn't worry that people who say to you "Good night" will kill you in your sleep.Similar also are people who say "Good day" except they may kill you in your sleep.

    A pick ax is like a magic 8 ball except used for much more dangerous decisions.

    Percentage wise people who lie in the middle of the road did not do it by choice.

    Capital punishment isn't listening to a boring speech.

    29

  • Sadly in the 80s many poor kids had to play with the other kind of transformers. May God rest their souls.

    Be patient with your enemies because if you don't they will kill you sooner.

    The best way to learn is by experience yet few want to use this method to learn about death.

    Baking a pie is like getting poked in the eye except one makes you want to live & the other could cause you to die.

    Don't let your life slip away because that could cause death.

    The reason why red lights are red is because if you drive while one is on you can become red too.

    Death is just around the coroner.

    If you ever think to yourself "It is hot as Hell in here" you probably died.

    When the mob throws someone in the river there is plenty of concrete evidence.

    Being tickled by a deadly weapon is a conflicting experience. It makes you laugh yet it also makes you fear for your life.

    Digging/Dirt

    M.A.R.'S Lesson for Pie Inc. DayGetting so mad that you could dig until you find dirt isn't getting mad at all so since you're not mad celebrate Pie Inc. Day & eat a pie.

    Organizing a mile's worth of dirt is a pointless task.

    30

  • Digging a small hole & filling it with water is a waste of time, if you intend it to be put on a map, unless you're drawing your own map.

    Digging something up can be exciting & illegal.

    If your shirt is dirtier than dirt, start mocking dirt & then.. get thrown into an asylum for laughing at dirt.

    When one thinks "I can't get any lower than this" better start digging.

    Digging up a corpse is fun as long as you don't get done.

    Ground up=Air

    If you're depressed get a shovel go into your backyard & start digging. I guarantee you'll never feel like dirt again.

    Flashback Edition:You can change the world if you use a shovel.

    If one wanted to be a gravedigger as an adult & was asked, "Where will you be in 10 years?" the person can legally say "In a grave." without sounding depressing.

    Drinking Books

    Drinking Books cannot buy you a house. Drinking books can however get you thrown into a mental ward.

    Don't be a crook, Drink a book.

    31

  • When the lessons are few & you don't know what to do, Drink a Book & rhyme, rhyme, something, something.

    Drugs

    Wrinkled pieces of paper aren't old they just smoke a lot.

    Only drunks can truly make racial slurs.

    Ice cubes are excellent substitutes for chill pills.

    You booze you loose.

    Better a potbelly than a pothead.

    People who use drugs usually get their brains scrambled.

    Happiness is like a drug except it is harder to obtain.

    A lot of people smoke but people in high-powered positions fire.

    More school kids use high lighters than it may seem by looking at their notes.

    A drug addicts favorite time of day is high noon.Business damages caused during a bar fight can be repaired with scotch tape.

    Family

    A writing utensil is not something you use to talk to your food with; when your parents tell you to be quiet at the dinner table.

    32

  • When a baby leaks some call it an accident. When a car leaks the hole is plugged.

    The Ultimate Prank to pull on Halloween is to be good.-A Message from Adults Everywhere

    People who are young don't like homework but older people want to work at home

    Want to give your kids a great presentGive them something they'll never forget but won't be able to remember,A savage beating.

    How to tell if a kid has talent:If a kid has no friends & is able to make up stories as if it did, the kid won't wear a wig in the summer.

    Light switches are not recommended when savagely beating a child.

    Kids draw pictures but the only thing grownups draw is lottery tickets.

    The most common things raised on Amish farms are barns & children.

    If danger is your middle name your parents were quite fearless people.The worst way to give your child the sex talk is by personally showing them how it is done.You can't pick your family but you can pick your family out of a police line up.

    The perfect excuse for a kid to disobey his parents would be to say "I thought you were using reverse psychology & that you wanted me to do it."

    33

  • The best time to train up a child is on Halloween. This way you won't look weird dressing your child up like a train. Even better if you have multiple children you can dress them as one cart each with the fattest one or least favorite (same thing) being the caboose.

    Many fathers are bums because when in the car with their kids they are always looking for a hand out.

    You can't put a price on happiness except with a Happy Meal.You can't put a price on love except with roses & a card.You can't put a price on family unless it is bail.

    The reason why old tymey kings had multiple wives is because it takes a lot of women to do castle work as opposed to housework.

    Single people, live everyday as though it were the last day of your life. Even better married guys, live everyday as though it were the first day of your wife.

    Money well spent is spent on time well spent with family and friends.

    It can be difficult to carry on the family business but to life guards I say dive right in!

    Mothers should be the one's who get presents on their children's birthdays.

    34

  • Fashion

    If you think you're ever wearing red glasses & don't remember putting them on you might be bleeding through the eye.

    Catastrosphere's LessonIf trying to train a German Shepard it is easier when not wearing a suit made of meat.

    Why do people complain when something is on their head? If someone drops a hat from a 5 story building onto your head, you would just be like "hey a free hat." But if someone drops a brick from the same building on your head, you would just be like "ow! I'm in hideous pain" or knocked unconscious.

    Flash Forward Edition!:You may think that tele vision is going away but you probably haven't heard of the new hypnotic contact lenses.

    If my bottle cap wore a snowshoe it'd be put on tv If I wore a second one I'd be jumped by a flea.

    Can't find your hat?Then get up on a ladder while wearing rhinestones,... its something to do!

    Tired of wearing the same old clothes?Well you ain't getting any money from me!

    If you ever find a superhero's cape think to yourself"Do I know of any superheroes with magical capes?"If not give it back because the superhero will consider you a villain for having its cape & you'll get beat up.

    35

  • Just because your shirt has stitches doesn't mean you should get revenge on people that wear strawberries with sequins as necklaces.

    If your shirt is dirtier than dirt, start mocking dirt & then.. get thrown into an asylum for laughing at dirt.

    If you wear a coat...whoops! that's all I wrote.

    Don't share pants with your shirt.

    Washing clothes can lead to more stains than ever before like the stain of your freedomalistic obligation.

    If your shoes are giving you the blues you need bigger shoes.

    How to tell if a kid has talent:If a kid has no friends & is able to make up stories as if it did, the kid won't wear a wig in the summer.

    If you run while wearing a jogging suit you can be sued for false advertising.

    Eat slowly when wearing a coat.

    Open your suitcase. Are there suits inside? If not you are a liar!

    Wearing the same clothes often can confuse people's memories.

    When an ox wears a crown you should be sad because of your poorness.

    Bears don't wear clothes so please don't make a joke about it.

    Refrain from asking clothes to do work because they are always worn out.

    36

  • Never wear your heart on your sleeve because you may need to sneeze.

    No one ever makes fun of someone who wears a nametag.

    Always pre-pair your socks.

    The sky is blue all day and wears black at night it must be depressed, possibly because it looks beat up.

    Clown is the perfect occupation for cross dressers.

    Not even sunglasses could make the sun look cool.

    Having a celebrity's signature as a tattoo is just like having life insurance.

    Teasing hair can be a good thing or a bad thing.

    Chinese shoes made of leather are called mooshoes.

    Fear

    If you cover your ears before something loud happens w-ho are you to tell the future?

    Paranoid people need not worry about aliens enslaving the entire human race as long as they do not run in competitiveness.

    Don't let a pouch scare you. Only be afraid of 2 pouches.

    37

  • If someone tells you not to be afraid of monsters & then a big monster comes & steps on you because you weren't afraid, if you live tell the monster you know someone else that's not afraid of it.Following that give a depictive description of where this person is.

    There are ghosts from coast to coast.Actually there are not but if you believed it you are stupid.

    If you really want a scary costume this Halloween, don't dress up, dress down.

    Only smart people need be afraid of headshrinkers.

    Scared of life on other planets?Well you should be more scared of life on this planet.

    If you are afraid of lasers you should be afraid of phasers also.

    If you have a fear of failure you mind as well just stay scared.

    When you're told, "there is nothing to fear but fear itself" fear almonds too, just for good measure.Being hesitant of speaking in a difficult situation is a normal thing but when you eat a laser under the table realize that it is not a normal thing.

    Scarecrows are scary because they too, like Zombies, want brains.

    Fear the lion not the roar.

    Christmas is the most joyous time of year but you can have Christmas everyday if you are not afraid of your peers.

    38

  • Face your fears by doodling & make them look friendly so you will no longer fear them.

    Be cautious of being too cautious such as being cautious about being cautious.

    Being afraid of heights is ok unless you are afraid of heights in which you aren't poised on.

    People who tend to panic for no apparent reason have an advantage of not having to "stay calm" when directed to because they were never calm to begin with

    The scariest room in the house is the living room because it is alive!

    Being unprepared is an easy way to get scared.

    If you have a yellow belly that means you eat too much butter.

    Fire and Lots of It

    An air crash doesn't make a plane go faster. So don't try to blow one up if you're late.

    Candles are useful to light up the night. Candles are not useful to light up the night where a gas mane ruptured.

    When someone says "bombs away" there's no need to worry bombs are not near.

    Planting a radish garden? Make sure to not use varnish soaked land mines.

    Don't polish a matchbook with gasoline.

    39

  • Ever been told to blow up some balloons?If not then don't get in a jet plane & drop bombs, use firecrackers it's cheaper.

    14% of people who want to be fire fighters actually take boxing gloves & light buildings on fire to fight it.Then they get thrown in jail for arson.. sad.

    Ever wonder why it is said, 'fight fire with fire' well..Fire is mad & lonely everything fire touches burns, it has no friends so if you fight fire with fire, fire will be like "Fire a new friend!" then fire will be happy and won't bother you.

    If you set meat on fire it's called grilling but if you set anything else on fire it's called arson.

    If you reach for the stars & don't reach them you're lucky because stars are hot & can hurt.

    It is Sunday there is a thing you must learn.Although it is called SUNday it does not mean things must burn.

    Rituals can become ritualistic so spice it up by setting pepper on fire & throwing it in your face.

    Always dip your fire extinguisher in gasoline everyday.

    If you don't like foil. BURN EVERYTHING!

    Landmarks & landmines aren't the same YOU SHOULD visit landmines.

    Women like fire may look good but touching them can be dangerous.

    40

  • When you wish upon a star you're probably wishing you could get off the star before you burn to death.

    Being in trouble isn't as bad as being in lava. Well actually being in lava is also being in trouble but I'm sure more people think, "I'm in lava!" when in lava rather than "I'm in trouble." Ok now that I think about it people in lava probably aren't alive enough to think about things. So.. lava is hotter than java.

    A lot of people smoke but people in high-powered positions fire.

    Fireworks don't always work but fire works every time.

    Food/Eating

    If you are thinking about becoming a cannibal listen to this first. Human beings are not made in factories & are not manufactured in flavors.

    Hiring a thug may help someone to get savagely beaten. Hiring a mug may help someone to drink something after they've eaten.

    Flashback EditionFood taste good, Results only occur when eaten.

    Remember those cans in the garage aren't melted ice cream. No matter how many colors & wooden spoons there are.

    Microwaves are not robots, so they do not count as dependents on tax forms, even if you do feed it everyday.

    You can't peel a carrot with an ice cube.

    41

  • Disease Jelly is not a good Valentine's Day gift.

    Eat bread it make glass shine.

    Flashback EditionIt is nearly over when All that is left are dime lickers & envelope glue addicts. It is completely over when people begin to eat crackers on TOAST!

    Tasting cobblestones is not a good way to become popular among the fishes.

    Keep in mind your shampoo is scented not flavored.

    A writing utensil is not something you use to talk to your food with; when your parents tell you to be quiet at the dinner table.

    Flashback EditionPie taste good and can be shared by all.

    If a potato wedge had arms it would probably try to punch you a couple of times before you eat it, but you wouldn't care since it had no hands.

    The chemical make-up of soap is very feeble. In other words don't wash an orange.

    Soup is hot when heated. The garden looks good when weeded. Pork does not have seed in it.

    Cheese can be yellow, orange, white, green, & blue. In times like 7:35 A.M. Friday, September 14, 2001 A.D. we need to know what color cheese is, but alas that time has passed.

    Ya c dahts de problem with you kids today, you get bored too easy. (The Joe) only gets bored when there's nothing to eat.

    42

  • If someone says to you "I have to get a drink to water" you may think them at fault thinking they meant to say "I have to get a drink of water" but if they are talking about kool-aid or a dry mix drink. Then you are at fault if you point that out.

    Old mayonnaise may be wiser than new mayonnaise but new mayonnaise won't give a life defying disease.

    Shoes protect your feet but they aren't good to eat unless they're filled with food.

    Popsicles will never stop being popular unless the name is changed.

    Fortune cookies will not make one rich unless the fortune says, "you will become rich" not "your well became wretch."

    If storing corn in a shed don't shed the corn 1st.

    If balloons caused salad bars to serve meat, I'd be like "stop calling it a salad bar"

    Catastrosphere's Tip:Boiling soup too long can cause it to evaporate.To prevent this put a pot on the ceiling above also.

    Revenge can be sweet if coated in sugar.

    Glass the other red meat.

    There's always room for Jell-O,this means every building must have a room just for Jell-O or you'll be arrested.

    If you ain't ate marbles since the 17th; you mind as well give up & jump in the sink.

    43

  • Don't count your ice cream cones before you get em. If you do you'll have to count them again.

    Carrots aren't stacked on the moon

    Don't make soup without an acorn.

    Beware of whole kernel corn for it may wage war against you.

    Don't paint your watermelon yellow & put it into underground lemon fights.They know it's a watermelon.

    Cheese don't say please, so don't be mad if it's impolite.

    The ocean is a troubling place to be if you can't swim.Milk is a terrible thing if skim.

    The pen used to write nearly every lesson is near its end.What you say that's not a lesson?Well then yams & clams have something in common.They rhyme, quite obvious right?

    Life isn't about accomplishments. It's about eating things that shouldn't go in your mouth but are still edible.

    Making clothing out of cotton candy is not acceptable.

    An excellent way to start a diet is to eat glue.

    If you plan to eat turkey on thanksgiving, it has been done.

    If tea isn't your cup of tea.. thermos maybe?...44

  • If your moth likes cucumber shoes & you don't have light serf, buff your floor with mashed up salmon hair until the dog eats an envelope of varnish & then tackle an infected tree.

    The best thing about eating sharp or pointy inanimate objects is that they don't scream although you do.

    The funniest thing about Laffy Taffy is the secret ingredient M42one.

    The old saying "Put your oven in the toaster it will work better" really means 'put your toaster in the oven, baste, & eat.'

    20 candy bars = bag of sugar

    Table salt is best used when eating a table.

    Never tell an obese man about a savage beating.He may think you said a savage eating!

    Never look at a cloud in the sky while it's eating a piece of pie.

    Keep your friends close & your enemies closer and no fat people that doesn't mean eat them

    Never staple limes in your cover chair.

    Eating human brains is a delicious treat..I mean cactuses are spiky.

    If you are too shy to make a toast at a special event don't buy a toaster.

    Food taste good when you're cruising in the hood. Eating chicken with hot sauce don't forget to floss.Ice Cream cones can be used as hats in emergencies.

    45

  • Ice cubes are excellent substitutes for chill pills.

    Eat slowly when wearing a coat.

    When you're told, "there is nothing to fear but fear itself" fear almonds too, just for good measure.Dangerous situations require decisive action. Delicious situations require dicing action.

    You can stop avoiding the Noid now.

    When food is hurled it is a shame to the world (world meaning incredibly fat guy).

    If you get dizzy while eating Doritos stop spinning! (note please give us free Doritos for mentioning you Frito-Lay)

    Don't take candy from strangers that is stealing.

    Being hesitant of speaking in a difficult situation is a normal thing but when you eat a laser under the table realize that it is not a normal thing.

    A mall fountain's change can feed a starving child for 2 years.

    Socks & shoes go together like pizza & the blues.

    You're never disappointed with parades in ice cream shops or parades by the lake.

    Bartenders should use roller coasters.

    Making music is like making a sandwich. They both sound good.

    If the old saying "You are what you eat" were true I'm sure there would be more cannibals.

    46

  • If you hate working for McDonalds & want to take them down from the inside offer free refills of French fries.

    Crackers are one of the few ways to exert dominance over large & powerful animals.People who fish in the stream of consciousness are usually hungry.

    One thing that can ruin your LIFE brand cereal is running out of milk.

    An obese biker eating a ham sandwich is a hog on a hog eating a hog.

    A good place to fast is to fast in your seatbelt.

    Even the mightiest pie was once a recipe.

    The more you eat the worse it is when on your feet.

    If the highest number you can count to is 10 invest in some chicken fingers.

    People who are bitter should have never been tasted in the first place.

    A club sandwich is the easiest club to join.

    Gaining weight isn't enough you must keep it to impress people who eat lots of pie.

    A fresh can of soda cannot fix a flat tire.

    Taking the Bible out of context is like trying to bake a cake with only one ingredient, it's not going to be any good & cake never is anyway.Drinking from a straw always sucks.

    47

  • You can be a cowboy even if you don't live on the range all you need is to be a fat young man.

    Feelings are like the cherry on top or the poo on yo shoeDepending on whether good or badBaking a pie is like getting poked in the eye except one makes you want to live & the other could cause you to die.

    The reverse of thirst is when you've drank so much you could burst.

    If you lose weight being a loser is good.

    The only restaurants that can really have homemade food are ones, which used to be old people's houses.

    Chili is one food, which contradicts itself because it is hot but it sounds cold.

    Dinnertime is never getting thinner time.

    Love is like butter. It is better when spread.

    The club sandwich is the most dangerous sandwich.

    Summer salt & seasoning salt is the same thing.

    Take pictures of gum it'll last longer.

    Pharmacist will prescribe you medicine because farms didn't insist you eat vegetables.

    If you have a yellow belly that means you eat too much butter.

    48

  • Cannibals enjoy foods such as ear rings, eye balls, finger food, ham hock burger, buns, ribs, chopped liver, hand shakes, & thumb tacs for freshening breath.

    The cheese stands alone because it cuts itself.

    Big business leads to big consumers

    Chicken pox is still better for you than chicken nuggets.

    Water is better than fodder.

    It is no justice when your to go drink is just ice.

    You can have your appetite curved by a diet pill and still be curved afterwards.

    The Jolly Green Giant is jolly because he has never had to eat vegetables; he claims, "Eating vegetables would be like cannibalism to me".

    Flashback EditionIn and out that is what it is all about, digestion.

    Burning toast can be disappointing especially from your boss.

    The first time someone was called a pig for eating too much was at a BBQ.

    Friends

    If you have been vitally injured & the only person to help you is your moron friend who has to call 411 to get the # for 911 you probably won't live through the night.

    49

  • Ever wonder why it is said, 'fight fire with fire' well..Fire is mad & lonely everything fire touches burns, it has no friends so if you fight fire with fire, fire will be like "Fire a new friend!" then fire will be happy and won't bother you.

    Keep your friends close & your enemies closer and no fat people that doesn't mean eat them

    If all of your friends jump off a bridge, remember it when picking new friends.

    If you find out that you are worth more dead than alive don't tell your friends.

    All good friends eventually have a dead end.

    A shadow is like a friend that follows you around & imitates everything you do.It is surprising that more people do not dislike their shadow.

    You shouldn't fight over friends unless they are shorter than you.

    Lazy people try to jog their memories of things in order to not sound bad when their friends & co-workers talk about jogging.

    You cannot put a piranha in a toilet as a practical joke on a friend because if you do this person obviously wasn't your friend.

    Being in the company of strangers is strange indeed.

    Always be pre-paired that way you'll never be lonely.

    It is hard to make friends with ice because it is so cold.

    50

  • Money well spent is spent on time well spent with family and friends.

    Fun

    If you can't have fun you got to make it.

    When there's nothing left to do dance!Cause dancing will cheer anybody up....except the cripple.

    Catastrosphere's Tip:Like to cut loose at social events?Be sure you don't cut loose your spinal cord.

    Try to fall out of a tree when you're not in a tree. It's fun.

    Have a neighborhood party where everybody rings their doorbells & knocks on their doors to a hep beat & then get dowN!

    The best time to teach someone how to dance is when there is snow on the ground that way they can see all the steps.

    The perfect time to run in slow motion is when it's windy out, that way it fells like you're really going fast.

    The funniest thing about Laffy Taffy is the secret ingredient M42one.

    Practical jokes are a practical way of helping others train for emergency situations.

    Getting even is fun because two is better than one.

    51

  • The funniest things in life are always unexpected so please don't expect our lessons to be puns & they'll be funnier.

    You gotta fight for your right to party but not for your right to be tardy because no one has that right. Be on time!

    You cannot put a piranha in a toilet as a practical joke on a friend because if you do this person obviously wasn't your friend.

    Slides are fun but they can be dangerous if you are a bad photographer.

    Inside jokes aren't as loud as outside jokes.

    Spinning in a circle is fun but first you need chalk.

    Poking fun is the only thing that makes fun angry.

    It is more fun to write when one is sad because when one is happy fun isn't as fun.

    With balloons once you pop the fun does stop.

    Being tickled by a deadly weapon is a conflicting experience. It makes you laugh yet it also makes you fear for your life.

    Future

    Flash Forward Edition: 2036 PiemericaThese new jet packs going around may seem fun but they can give you cancer if you crash into a cancer-testing center.

    52

  • Don't know the difference of past, present, & future? Here you go:past- Something in front of youPresent- a form of giftFuture- a small amount of ture

    Thinking about the future is important but don't think of the future as if you will live a million years more.

    When planning for the future use a calendar.

    Swaying your eyebrows is the wave of the future.

    The future looks good yet constantly uncertain, there is a window but it's always blocked by a curtain...

    The future is unforgettable.

    Sometimes tomorrow makes today better.

    The future always waits

    The only time the future changes is when it becomes the present.

    The past is our stepping-stone to new & wonderful futures.

    When we start living under the sea high-pressure salesman will be even worse.

    Games

    When playing a game of hide & go seek, no matter which position you are in, it is best to get up & walk away.

    When in a race fall down & yell, "Help!" to slow the others down.

    53

  • Mastering the game of golf is difficult, but not as difficult as breathing (in outer space).

    If you're ever playing a game play dumb that way, though you may loose, you won't feel stupid.

    If someone asks you to go fencing with them & you bring your sword. Just run the guy through for being so culturally insensitive.

    Paranoid people need not worry about aliens enslaving the entire human race as long as they do not run in competitiveness.

    Get an old man who used to play a sport to play it again.If he says, "I'm a little rusty" report this to the government for they do not like androids. (Robots for you dumb people)

    As bright as night I will never understand how board games entertain people

    Being forced to compete in the Olympics can be stressful....That is all.

    When competing on a game show, remember nothing is real.Hide & go seek gone wrong: You have a skeleton in your closet.

    When you are on the rim eat a tiger for 18 points.

    The newcomer is always undefeated.

    One of the worst ways to taste da feet is to get kicked in da mouth.

    54

  • Fans catch baseball games; the baseball players catch the baseball yet they are the ones who get paid.

    Golf will become hipper when golfers begin to use Butter Putters, Screw Drivers, & Potato Wedges.

    The tooth draft has the most interesting tooth picks.

    Flashback Edition:The number one excuse to cheat at video games: "I prefer the experience of the game to the challenge."

    Breaking records is like broken records because people do it over & over again.

    Rock, Paper, Scissors isn't so good for settling disputes when you use the real rocks, cutting white paper, & extra sharp scissors.

    People who get trapped in a maze never seem to say "I'm aMazed!" They should!

    Giving

    When someone tells you it's good to give, they are not talking about savage beatings or other violent acts.

    If you ever get to the point where you can't take it anymore.... give it out.

    When someone gives you a gift it is better to not repay them, than to lock them in your basement, feed them nothing but bow ties until they say "I admit I'm a leprechaun."

    You're really selfish when you don't even share coughs & sneezes.

    55

  • You know someone is nice when they say thank you twice.

    Don't share pants with your shirt.

    When the dust settles be hospitable.

    When life gets you down say "Thank you."

    A friendly smile can light up a person's day but so can giving the person a lamp.

    Sharing is caring unless you share your opinion on push brooms.

    It is good to lend a helping hand as long as it hasn't be severed unless of course someone needs a new hand.

    Sharing is halfway between giving & taking yet so few can make this compromise.

    It is important to give a kind word every once in a while but don't expect us to do it. Thank you.

    The tallest man always benefits the most from giving up.

    People with time to spare rarely give it to others.

    Caring is like sharing except better because you don't have to share.

    Someone that is kind. Is a great find.

    Almost everyone is gifted on their birthday.

    People who say, "Don't get me anything" on gift occasions usually get something from everyone they told that.

    56

  • If you really don't want anyone to get you anything you should go about saying "You should get me something!"People will think you are a jerk & won't get you anything.

    Offering people coins is a good way to get them to change.

    Award shows are famous for their thanksgiving speeches, which is why the losers don't get to make speeches.

    Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery & the second largest cause for assault & battery.

    Goals

    When attempting to accomplish a goal don't set it for a particular time. Then you'll have a good excuse for not doing it yet.

    Just tell yourself you made it. Then if you loose you won't feel as bad because you think you were already there.

    Attempting to do something is not hard. Being successful at doing that is.

    The less you do the more you get done, (because you're either starting or finishing).

    Never give up your dreams because if you do you'll only have nightmares.

    If you want to accomplish something do nothing then people will say, "he/she accomplished nothing" This way failure is not an option.

    57

  • Hopes are like ropes, they can help you get to the top yet they can also hang you.

    The key to finding something better is looking.

    You cannot plan to make mistakes.

    If you want to reach your full potential use a stick.

    Most people never get their deepest desires fulfilled because they can't stand the pressure.

    The sky is the limit but not for astronauts.

    Flashback Edition:You can change the world if you use a shovel.

    People who do nothing truly have unlimited potential.

    If practice makes perfect then no one has ever practiced.

    Be careful what you wish for because you are almost certain to be disappointed.

    It is common practice for people to push themselves to further their career.

    Charge your enthusiasm with batteries to get a positive outlook.

    When you miss someone try again.

    The only change you have to make to change is to want to change.

    New beginnings always come from old ends.

    Only stop when you are at the end and when you are at the end look for a new beginning.

    58

  • Setting short-term goals for yourself can lead to a better life if you're on the right road.

    1,000th Lesson:Everyday is a new day. There are new things to learn and old things to burn.

    Failure is a fact of life. This is why so many people have differing opinions on what failure is.

    Government

    You can run for position of Judge at any age.

    If there were evil corporate businesses that secretly ran our country.. whoops! too late for this lesson!

    The only reason the U.S. is the world's best country is because Godzilla keeps destroying Japan.

    Tourists can be annoying, but don't blame them for not being from your country, blame their despotic ruler.

    Looking for a December to remember? Try not to see anything suspicious or the government will erase your memory again

    Get an old man who used to play a sport to play it again.If he says, "I'm a little rusty" report this to the government for they do not like androids. (Robots for you dumb people)

    Want to become president of something but just can't be elected?Well as long as you don't have original ideas you shouldn't have to.

    59

  • Don't go boating when you should be voting.

    Capital punishment isn't listening to a boring speech.

    Just as the USA has a threat level color system so do most people. When someone turns red that person is highly dangerous.

    Courts always buy sturdy tables.

    It is hard to earn an honest buck because most US currency is filled with lies about eyes & various colored dyes.

    Politicians are rarely speechless.

    On certain occasions partners in crime have to part ways during a chase. The slower partner sometimes says "Make a run for it!" The faster, often dumber partner, confused runs for it but not knowing what it is. While traveling down the street in leg foot fashion he passes a sign then chooses to stop and take it along with him. Returning to the hidden layer with his partner arriving soon thereafter they begin to discuss the sign and the potentials it expounds regarding a run for public office. They decide doing so would be more profitable, stealing money wise, than robbing banks ever had been and thus another politician is born.

    History Lessons

    Hands are no match for zcalvs, the 1,600 B.C. name for hands.

    Train owners in the 1800s were very bad people so that they could get much coal every Christmas.

    60

  • The following classic statement was spoken in a conversation between two fat people & should only be replicated as such."Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you."The rubber & glue part was added later.. to protect the non innoent.

    Cut & Paste is a term invented by bad doctors.

    When someone says, "It takes time" they are talking about the gigantic clock stealing monster. However when someone said "It takes time" 50 years ago they were talking about the small clock stealing monster.

    Frankenstein wasn't confused he was a fused con.

    So much in life is a mystery but mostly just history.

    Walking past the past benefits you none & you are doomed to repeat it until you think "wow I sure didn't like that one lesson"

    Sadly in the 80s many poor kids had to play with the other kind of transformers. May God rest their souls.

    The catapult wasn't named as such because it launched cats into the air but rather because it launched pults.

    Flashback Edition:The term "rock & roll" was coined in the caveman days when cavemen would spark rocks together but then get dangerously caught on fire so they would stop, drop, & roll. The most amazing part is that cavemen spoke English!

    Money is the root of all evil and pirates buried their treasure which means pirates are far more evil than we ever imagined.

    61

  • The reason why old tymey kings had multiple wives is because it takes a lot of women to do castle work as opposed to housework.

    Holiday Lessons

    Disease Jelly is not a good Valentine's Day gift.

    M.A.R.'S Lesson for Pie Inc. DayGetting so mad that you could dig until you find dirt isn't getting mad at all so since you're not mad celebrate Pie Inc. Day & eat a pie.

    Emperor MAR's birthday was yesterday & today is Labor Day.

    If you really want a scary costume this Halloween, don't dress up, dress down.

    The Ultimate Prank to pull on Halloween is to be good.-A Message from Adults Everywhere

    If you want to have Thanksgiving for a living be a 'yes man' or 'yes woman'

    Christmas is about the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ not getting a sword and hunting mice. (by a sword & hunting mice we speak of a poor kid getting a dollar plastic sword and told "now you can hunt those mice like you always wanted to")

    Semi-Flashback Edition:If you're looking for a New Year's Lesson you came to the wrong placebut remember this: Eat bread it make glass shine.

    When packing a Christmas box you must remember, do not give it away until late December.

    62

  • If you plan to eat turkey on thanksgiving, it has been done.Train owners in the 1800s were very bad people so that they could get much coal every Christmas.

    Wondering what to get that special someone this Christmas? Yeah me too.

    Christmas is coming, oh yes it's near. Christmas is coming, a time for cheer. Christmas is coming, yes the day that is next. Christmas is coming, in Christ we can rest.

    Christmas is the most joyous time of year but you can have Christmas everyday if you are not afraid of your peers.

    Anticipation runs high in the new year. That is why we waited until the seventh to do this lesson.

    People who say, "Don't get me anything" on gift occasions usually get something from everyone they told that.If you really don't want anyone to get you anything you should go about saying "You should get me something!"People will think you are a jerk & won't get you anything.

    The best time to train up a child is on Halloween. This way you won't look weird dressing your child up like a train. Even better if you have multiple children you can dress them as one cart each with the fattest one or least favorite (same thing) being the caboose.

    Money can't buy love unless it is Valentine's Day apparently.

    63

  • Inanimate Objects

    Paint does not wash windows well.

    Cans don't bleed unless they are full of blood.

    Giant rocks can't swim.

    Wrinkled pieces of paper aren't old they just smoke a lot.

    Don't shoot a canteen it's frightened by flashes.

    Using markers is dangerous just make sure they don't get on you or you'll become a marked man.

    Cellos aren't for camp'n.

    If you like things that are shiny but don't like to shine them, look at the sunIf you think pulling a ribbon out into a snowstorm will help you..manufacture boxes, you're right. It's a big secret.

    Don't mow your lawn chair.

    Put your toaster on a poster. Try to sell it, fail.

    If the couch says "owch" there's something in it.

    You don't need a pillow. Just put your head in a pillowcase before you go to sleep. You'll never have to worry about waking up tired again (or at all..).

    The pen used to write nearly every lesson is near its end.What you say that's not a lesson?Well then yams & clams have something in common.They rhyme, quite obvious right?

    64

  • Yes another Monotonous Lesson!If your paper turns to vapor, you've been writing on water dude!

    If you're sad you should kick a can but not so hard that it kicks back.. & relaxes.

    Never Invite the paparazzi to a party with balloons.

    When I'm looking at my folder I have a paper view.

    If your puppet cries put it in the dryer.

    Sweep a vacuum. Vacuum a broom.

    You can't write with a chalkboard.

    The best thing about eating sharp or pointy inanimate objects is that they don't scream although you do.

    Glass is shallow.

    If you're a big fan of fans recycling has gone too far.

    You can take a stroll in a bowl if you use it as a shoe & have a lot of glue.

    Headset phones should be called headphones.

    When your knob is broken opening a door can be a bore.

    Strong men can turn cans into can knots.

    With a simple stroke of a brush the can of brushes become saddened.

    Paper has many uses. Humans have many excuses.

    65

  • A pick ax is like a magic 8 ball except used for much more dangerous decisions.

    Small rocks are trustworthy.

    Feather dusters are used to dust feather dusters.

    It is wise to say to your clock "Do not be alarmed"

    If you live in a dusty old house it is probably because the house is dusty.

    You can always count on abacuses but you can never count on harnesses because they always let you down.

    Courts always buy sturdy tables.

    You cannot sell a home. Homes are emotional attachments defined by emotions & experiences.

    A wooden speed limit sign.. yeah that's pretty limited.

    When you don't have a paper clip just use scissors & clip the paper yourself.

    Doors are a good way to exert dominance because you can push them.

    The easy way to boss things around:Go to the kitchen and be like "chill out freezer"

    People never pay attention to their windows, they always look right through them instead.

    Hole punchers are useless.

    People who do quality control at shoe factories have to pay very close attention due to all of the sneakers.

    66

  • A cuckoo clock is when someone is hit on the head & it makes him or her crazy.

    Posters are most often under a tack.

    Informative

    Flashback EditionHoop does not mean pick.

    Don't swallow a cactus b'cause if you do..How dumb are you people?!Do you really need this lesson?

    Sarcasm is negative positivity. Lies are positive negativity.

    The ultimate wager in the game of poker is the wage of war.

    It is said "shut your mouth & open your ears" yet during disasters the opposite is done.

    How to spell Piano: P and O

    Practical jokes are a practical way of helping others train for emergency situations.

    Hermits are great at keeping secrets.

    There is no solid evidence that air exists.

    The two hardest things to do are starting & finishing.

    No one ever makes fun of someone who wears a nametag.

    There's no riddance like good riddance.

    67

  • All people with two eyes have double vision.

    What is left to the imagination can be worse than what isn't set forth.

    Living in a buffer zone is dangerous when lying down.

    The more rules one has the more rules there are to break.

    One who struggles with problems has a lot of trouble on one's hands.

    The only way to hear a seashell is to hold the ocean to your ear.

    There is nothing funnier than laughter.

    The newcomer is always undefeated.

    Left just isn't right.Simply breathing can be referred to as "blowing your nose"

    Someone who mimics you without permission is guilty of copyright infringement.

    When everything is fine it is hard to see yet enjoyable to look at.

    To think & blink at the same time you probably have to be thinking about blinking.

    Many people can spell but few can dispel.

    It is selfish to call someone selfish because that means you expect them to think of you more.

    It isn't possible to tell someone a secret.

    68

  • Face the facts. Read a book.

    Strictness creates restriction

    Seeing is believing that you are not blind.

    Hind sight is 20-20 if you like what you see.

    Having no choice is like having every choice but unpickable.

    When people usually lose their eyesight they loose the sight part & not the eyes.

    It isn't always easy to ease drop.

    Having ideas is a good idea.

    Putting something down is just like picking something up but in reverse.

    If you didn't miss something to begin with you wouldn't have to make things up such as excuses.

    The best thing about the word best is that they couldn't have picked a better word.

    The word adjective is a noun.

    Most people's eyes are sensitive to darkness they can't see anything in it.

    Unlocked safes arent' safe anymore.

    There is nothing wrong with being perfect.

    Full is as full as full is.

    Deaf people can hear at least one thing, silence.

    69

  • People who are double crossed the right way become stars.

    Most people cannot keep a secret because they don't know where it is.

    Injury

    If you think you're ever wearing red glasses & don't remember putting them on you might be bleeding through the eye.

    If you have been vitally injured & the only person to help you is your moron friend who has to call 411 to get the # for 911 you probably won't live through the night.

    Why do people complain when something is on their head? If someone drops a hat from a 5 story building onto your head, you would just be like "hey a free hat." But if someone drops a brick from the same building on your head, you would just be like "ow! I'm in hideous pain" or knocked unconscious.

    It is said, "when you hear a whistle blow snap into action" but I say "no, because snapping into action could cause permanent bone damage."

    If you ever get the feeling that you're going to get your legs broken, running wildly with your eyes closed won't prove otherwise.

    Getting hit in the head with a hammer & not getting a headache usually means you are no longer alive.

    When one has learned all there is to learn, one should bash one's head in to learn again.

    70

  • Broke your leg? Well why not break the other one? You can't walk any way.

    When Someone tells you to "break a leg" it doesn't have to be yours.

    Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you except in the case of whittling.

    Running into a wall is like running into a doorway & stopping but more painful.

    One of the worst ways to taste da feet is to get kicked in da mouth.

    Wild celebrations may lead to dangerous abrasions.

    If you have to consult your physician you need a new one.Flashback Edition:Smiling will cheer anyone up.. except the toothless.

    It isn't a good idea to scratch your head.

    It is good to lend a helping hand as long as it hasn't be severed unless of course someone needs a new hand.

    If you enjoy pain you may also enjoy Maine because it is painfully cold there.

    You shouldn't embrace your weaknesses because you may hurt yourself.

    Baking a pie is like getting poked in the eye except one makes you want to live & the other could cause you to die.

    Blood is a stain caused by pain.

    71

  • It is better to call fall autumn because it doesn't hurt so much

    Chicken pox is still better for you than chicken nuggets.A cuckoo clock is when someone is hit on the head & it makes him or her crazy.

    Open minded people need surgery.

    Electricians shouldn't be shocked when they get electrocuted that way it won't hurt.

    Rock, Paper, Scissors isn't so good for settling disputes when you use the real rocks, cutting white paper, & extra sharp scissors.

    Intelligence

    Knowledge is power & too much power is dangerous but I'm sure none of the people who read this would have to worry about that.

    Only fools rush in..to things while in shopping carts.

    If you knew everything you learned you'd be as smart as you are now.

    It is wise to say to your clock "Do not be alarmed"

    Stupid people will be confused all their lives if they are accidentally given the wrong name tag.

    When one thinks one knows it all that is when one really has more to learn.

    If you act stupid that means you're really smart.

    72

  • There is a surplus of idiocy in the world today yet idiocy is very costly.

    It isn't wise to be stupid.

    A brainstorm can be more dangerous than a hailstorm.

    Due to the current state of American teenagers, when one of them is thinking, everyone thinks that something is wrong with them.

    The smartest thing on earth is the temperature in summer. It has like over a 100 degrees.

    Learning

    Some people will never learn. The sad thing is most of those people go to school.

    Don't learn from your mistakes because they are mistakesthey don't know what they are talking about.

    Knowledge unapplied is useless, so if you're lazy don't learn because you're not gonna use it anyway.

    When one has learned all there is to learn, one should bash one's head in to learn again.

    If you knew everything you learned you'd be as smart as you are now.

    The best way to learn is by experience yet few want to use this method to learn about death.

    If you don't apply what you learn then you really haven't learned anything.

    73

  • If you haven't learned your lesson yet then you shouldn't be teaching it.

    When one thinks one knows it all that is when one really has more to learn.

    Reading and writing are the fundamentals of education but don't worry if you can't read or write itdle be aight just become a famous rapper. Yea boy a bonafide ho slapper.

    Lesson Lessons

    A lesson of/for the day is good for teaching & getting people to say go away.

    You like lessOns? Well I'll tell you one thing that won't lessEn...my weight.

    Don't swallow a cactus b'cause if you do..How dumb are you people?!Do you really need this lesson?

    Getting diseases in can openers is not common unless you open cans filled with disease, also this lesson sucks.

    If you want to become physically fit you're reading the wrong guy's lesson.

    The pen used to write nearly every lesson is near its end.What you say that's not a lesson?Well then yams & clams have something in common.They rhyme, quite obvious right?

    Yes another Monotonous Lesson!If your paper turns to vapor, you've been writing on water dude!

    74

  • When the lessons are few & you don't know what to do, Drink a Book & rhyme, rhyme, something, something.

    When the wind blows:We should stop making lessons that rhyme they are a waste of time & make no sense like a jive talking mime.

    I got some confess'n this ain't no lesson.

    If you want fast cash run with it or something stupid & unfunny like that.

    When reading a lesson you should learn.

    The hardest lesson to learn is the one given by us.

    Lesson Mania Week more like Lesson Mania Weak!

    Getting something stuck in your teeth is like getting a needle stuck in a leaf they both create a bad lesson.

    The funniest things in life are always unexpected so please don't expect our lessons to be puns & they'll be funnier.

    Walking past the past benefits you none & you are doomed to repeat it until you think "wow I sure didn't like that one lesson"

    I don't mean to burst your bubble & that is why I made this lesson instead.

    With so many lesson in Lesson Mania Week 2005 you may have trouble remembering them. So it is a good thing that we don't make them useful.

    75

  • Be sure to understand the difference in figurative language & literal language. Wait that is an order.. shouldn't we be teaching them something rather than bossing them around? Oh I see that is how the schools do it.

    It is important to give a kind word every once in a while but don't expect us to do it. Thank you.

    If you haven't learned your lesson yet then you shouldn't be teaching it.

    Life

    If you say "hey look at me" beware for one of the people there may stalk you for the rest of your life.

    Not experiencing life full enough? Want to feel the happiness of a steady job & the thrill of quitting? Then get 2 identical jobs, just at different companies. Work at them for 5 years simultaneously. Quit one & you'll still have a steady job but also the thrill of quitting.

    Don't live in the schlums become a bum.

    Living in a buffer zone is dangerous when laying down.

    Thinking about the future is important but don't think of the future as if you will live a million years more.

    Don't like climbing stairs, then don't, so you can live a pitiful life.

    Scared of life on other planets?Well you should be more scared of life on this planet.

    Sand is an important part of life so important that 2 colours runs.

    76

  • Life isn't about accomplishments. Its about eating things that shouldn't go in your mouth but are still edible.

    If a tree falls in the forest be glad you don't live in the forest.

    "Home is where the heart is" does not mean to cut out people's hearts & live there or sell them you real-estate agents you.

    To live in a land is to live in a cave.

    When life seems like a blur slow down & mak

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