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Lesson Mania!

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Informative comedy lessons categorized for your needs.Visit http://piemerica.org as we are still having new lessons come about.Book originally released as a publish on demand paperback October 28, 2006.From Back Cover:"Some people will never learn. The sad thing is most of those people go to school."Now everyone can learn! Lesson Mania will learn you how to laugh, cry, & then sit staring blankly.Lesson Mania! will improve your life greatly as you carry on the knowledge of things that most people just don't realize.."The perfect time to run in slow-motion is when its windy out, that way it fells like you're really like you're really going fast."Lesson Mania! offers help for situations of everyday life.."If your zipper ever gets stuck use a zip code."Lesson Mania! will eqip you for success in the buisness world.."A good idea can take you a long way if the idea involves transportation."Lesson Mania! indeed recounts precise history lessons most people tend to overlook.."Sadly in the 1980s many poor kids had to play with the other kind of transformers.."Lesson Mania! gets deep so even the most arrogant/intelligent people have things they can learn.."It is not what you do that counts but rather why you do it. Unless what you do is count."And you'll even be more able to survive the mean streets.."If a thug draws a knife on you wash it off."Lesson Mania isn't just hilarious it's huh?larious!
Transcript:
  • Lesson Mania!Written by Michael Aaron Reyes

    Emperor of Piemerica 1998-2006 Michael Reyes, Piemerica

  • Contents61 Categories

    Advice............................... 1Animals............................. 5Ascending & Descending..9Bad Smells.......................10Battle of the Sexes...........12The Blues.........................13Clichs............................. 14Communication............... 19Corporate......................... 24Crime............................... 26Culture/Society................28Death............................... 31Digging/Dirt.................... 35Drinking Books............... 36Drugs............................... 37Family..............................38Fashion............................ 40Fear..................................43Fire and Lots of It............45Food/Eating..................... 47Friends............................. 56Fun...................................58Future...............................60Games..............................61Giving..............................63Goals................................65Government..................... 67History Lessons............... 69Holiday Lessons.............. 71Inanimate Objects............73Informative...................... 77Injury............................... 81Intelligence...................... 84

    Learning...........................85Lesson Lessons................86Life.................................. 88Love.................................91Machines......................... 93Math.................................94Money..............................95Music............................. 100Nature............................ 102Numbers & Letters........ 104Ominous........................ 106Optimism....................... 107People............................ 108Pessimism......................114Piemerica....................... 114Pop Culture References.115Religion......................... 118Repetition...................... 120Sadness.......................... 121School............................123Senselessness/Pointlessness....................................... 125Sleep.............................. 127(The Joe)........................129Time/Age.......................131Transportation/Travel....136Violence.........................142Weather......................... 146Work..............................148

    Top Lessons...................150The End......................... 151

    II

  • Advice

    Don't live in the schlums become a bum.

    If someone takes something of yours & puts it in a light plastic bag, with a lock on it, rip the lock off the bag & look inside because there's probably a key to the lock in the bag.

    Wheezing is not a good reason to rip off your eyebrows, grape juice stain a window seal, & then take your car back & forth through a toll booth just to get change for your brick brained snowman when its shoes bake in the oven for 4 ticks of a land mine.

    When you are sick here's a trick "eat poison"

    If you break something before you get it wet, the water won't hurt it.

    If you try to fight the urge to fight, you've already lost.

    Over confidence can be bad, such as, "I can walk off a cliff with out falling."

    If your zipper ever gets stuck use a zip code.

    If you want to discover something new, buy a new item put it under your blanket & take your blanket off.

    If you don't want the mailman to know where you live, kill yourself.

    Don't learn from your mistakes because they are mistakesthey don't know what they are talking about.

    Don't mow your lawn chair.

    1

  • Remember if you ever get your leg caught in a bag rinsing it will get the bag wet.

    The proper way to handle anger is with a handle, duh!

    Be nice & brush your teeth, that way they won't chew you out.

    When paint is about to crack stand back because it may do something crazy!

    If you want someone out of your house put a welcome mat inside the house facing out the door as if to say "Welcome out" or just spray paint 'not' above the word 'welcome'.

    If your water cries throw it on the fire.

    When arguing at sea don't go overboard.

    Trying to contort one's palm always comes up empty handed.

    Confiscating without cause is theft.

    Never watch a scary movie at a murderers house.

    If you love ice & steam but hate water, you have a long life ahead of you.

    When someone tells you you'll never see something again just blink.

    The best way to be first in a line is to say "Everybody follow me."

    If you run while wearing a jogging suit you can be sued for false advertising.

    2

  • Never let a witch tell you to be quiet for you would cease to exist.

    Always stay close to the door & don't ask me "What for?"

    Never whisper behind someone's back. Whispering is enough.

    Never take a wild stab in the dark.

    Dangerous situations require decisive action. Delicious situations require dicing action.

    It is customary to throw rice at weddings, not dice.

    Lonely? Then pick up the phone & don't dial. You'll have a nice one-sided conversation.

    If you don't expect anything it makes what you do get all the better.

    When life seems like a blur slow down & make sure you don't need glasses.

    It's important to pay attention in order to stay out of debt.

    Become a fat ugly moron because opposites attract.

    Practical jokes are a practical way of helping others train for emergency situations.

    Patience is easily obtained if you are willing to wait for it.

    The key to finding something better is looking.

    You don't have to take offense it is your choice.

    3

  • The best place to have a fit is a tailor shop.

    You don't have to be on the lookout for strange signs because those are the most obvious.

    To keep warm in a blizzard use a blanket of snow.

    "Free!" is always a good sign.

    Remember always safety first.. well actually always remember first.

    If you keep believing in luck you're out of luck.

    Question questions & you'll always have something to do.

    It is always smart to agree with facts. That way you seem right more often.

    When is enough enough? When your definition of enough is too much.

    If you're out of shape go back inside.

    Poor attributes need enrichment.

    The best way to get to the root of a problem is to use a lumber jack.

    It's good to be out of your mind because your mind is the one who should be in you.

    If you ever loose your eyeballs the best place to look for them is.. oops sorry.

    4

  • Animals

    Yelling at fish may make them flee but yelling at apples will make them fall off that tree. At least it worked for Mr. T.

    When typing etc. etc. A dragon won't fit in a chair Droor.

    Squirrels, no steam in the window.

    Tasting cobblestones is not a good way to become popular among the fishes.

    Catastrosphere's LessonIf trying to train a German Shepard it is easier when not wearing a suit made of meat.

    Cats can see at night, by this I conclude many people sleep at night.

    The micro-cultures of this world will not stand for our ruling over them with soap. This is because they don't have legs.

    "...sharks can be a delightful friend, in cartoons. It wouldn't bother me much if a shark came after me in the water. I can't swim so there is a .001% chance of it saving my life....My tip is to swim with fish & let them get eaten."

    A lesson for the AgesIt's hot when summer rolls around so: Killing in cold blood won't cool you off & If you ever say to yourself "animals shed fur to cool off maybe I should shed blood" Well, don't give it a second thought or else you might do it twice.

    5

  • Flash Forward EditionComputers are afraid of dogs because in a way they have become mailmen.

    When fishing with a pinecone there's always gonna be a little bit of sorrow from the seal.

    Rabbit sculptures look like rabbits but if carved up enough will look as something else.

    If my bottle cap wore a snowshoe it'd be put on tv If I wore a second one I'd be jumped by a flea.

    Anyone ever tell you to get off your high horse?Just say "but the horse is too high, I'll fall to my doom!"

    The cows will come home when pigs fly because the pigs will show them the way

    The bird chirps.The man burps.

    You know why aliens aren't around anymore?Because, they used tortoises as laborer's & when we found out we laughed at them. Now they're too ashamed to show their faces.

    Spooky things happen if you let platypuses vote.

    Bees are nice if you give them honey.Bees are mice if you dress them funny.

    Vampire bats make great hats. The problem is they want to be necklaces.

    If bees had fleas I think I would sneeze.

    6

  • If your moth likes cucumber shoes & you don't have light serf, buff your floor with mashed up salmon hair until the dog eats a envelope of varnish & then tackle a infected tree.

    Mice are nice they just have hideous emotional problems.

    Always be careful when shooting spit wads at a lion, you don't want it to be not angry.

    Dogs go on dates too if you run out of newspaper.

    Don't be afraid of trees but instead the bees near by.

    When an ox wears a crown you should be sad because of your poorness.

    If you try to change a bird you will find that birds don't wear clothes.

    A sure cure for loneliness is by putting a feather in your cap. The animal rights activist will never leave you alone.

    Bears don't wear clothes so please don't make a joke about it.

    The sweet song of bird is often overheard.The sweet song of man is not heard when he's on the can.

    Having a guard dog can

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