Fiction Proposal‘Life of a Babu, The India Connection’

A novel – expected by Diwali

Ritesh Kumar Singh

Before you go through the presentation, please familiarize yourself with these terms

• Babu: lower rung/petty officials of government departments in India e.g.assistants, clerks etc.

• Babuisation: equivalent to socialization meaning socialization into babuway of life

• Intellectual terrorist: is a non-violent terrorist who uses his/her intellect toterrorize you not bombs or AK-47

• Verbal diarrhea: a disease prevalent in babus of DOP (Department ofPrevention) in which the infected persons continuously speaks

• Promotee: a babu who has joined at a lower rank and is now at a higherrank after getting promoted …not considered equal and despised by directrecruits to a position

---------------------------------------------------------------------------I’ve taken the liberty with English Language to coin these terms as I didn’t find suitable words in English todescribe the various aspects and events of lower rung bureaucracy in DOP, Ministry of Good Governance,India

Introduction• Most works of fiction on bureaucracy focuses on high ranking bureaucrats; often

written by retired bureaucrats

• This book is the fictional account of the lives of petty govt. officials whoconstitute the lowest strata of India’s steel frame; they are often underutilized orgiven the tasks for which they are either not suitable or someone in the officehas to take those tasks

• This book is a work of fiction and focuses on the lives, aspirations and challengesof lower rung govt. officials of a fictional office - Dept. of Prevention (DOP) underMinistry of Good Governance, in Delhi, India

• Approach: humorous/satirical/entertaining, at the same it’s a book withmessage: you can start afresh at any time you want…you can change your lifeeven if you’re ordinary…and you should do something you like doing – if youwant to be happy

The book is about…

• This book is an attempt to see a typical governmentdepartment (DOP) from the angles of those who are not soimportant or considered so by themselves and others even ifthey make up the major chunk of the government machinery

• It is they who interact with common people for their day-to-day dealing with the sarkar/government. Thus, the presentwork is an attempt at looking from below, from an ordinaryofficial’s (babu’s) perspective

• It’s ambitious in that respect

This book is about…

• The book is about how the lead character (Lal Babu Shukla)faces his life problems - official as well as personal includingfamilial role conflicts, unexplored sexuality and challenges ofliving in a big metropolitan city, Delhi

• How does LBS search and find meaning in his work andrelationship and finally asserts and takes up the risks to leadhis life the way he wants to and not the way others want himto – forms the core of this novel

• The story unfolds through acts of the lead characters LBS andhis mentor, K. K. Verma, who has taken upon himself toguiding LBS for success on the official ladder

Character Sketch: LBS

• A small town, single, idealistic young man in his late20s with half baked notion of city life joins DOP whenhe gets a job as Assistant I

• His only relative is the over possessive widowedmother left in his small village/town who doesn’tmind indulging in frequent emotional blackmail

• One childhood friend TN Singh who is curious abouthis life in Delhi

• His one weakness: shapely legs, skimpily dressed, hotn boiling babes…

K. K. Verma, the mentor• Nick named Vermaji, is an assistant grade ii (whom LBS meets

on his first day in the DOP) takes up on his own, the task ofindoctrinating LBS into stated and unstated rules ofgovernment machinery

• Possesses background information on just anybody within oroutside DOP

• Some rules Vermaji wanted LBS to master are:– It’s a bad policy to take initiatives in DOP– Hierarchy is above everything– There are two ways to say no - one is no and the other is yes– Rules are the end and not the means to the end– Important is un-important while un-important is very important– You must make simple things complicated…– Yes, sir! Sycophancy and buttering helps– Diffuse responsibility to save your tail

DS (GMC)Besides the lead characters of LBS and Verma ji the mentor, thereare other key characters:

Deputy Secretary, Gyan Mohan Chaubey is a man in his mid fifties

His characteristics:

• Uneven stubble• Ever the confused yet stubborn,• Possesses bad breathe and poor command over English

language• Serial, unsuccessful womanizer• His regular prey: Rawat saheb who has nicknamed him ‘lota’ -

a house hold utensil used by village folks in India

US (Budhi Prakash Gupta)Under Secretary, Budhi Prakash Gupta is also a man in his mid fifties

His characteristics

• Possesses a habit of continuous foot-tapping

• He wears the same blue shirt with the same striped tie almost every day

• His English is poor but he never accepts it, hates Banerji saheb for his better command over English Language

• Has a spoilt, over weight daughter of marriageable age linked to the peonRam Avatar

AO Sinha ji• Administrative Officer, direct recruit, Sinhaji is a man in

his late forties• His characteristics

– the intellectual terrorist of DOP; someone who use his intellectrather than bomb or AK-47 to terrorize people around him

– self-appointed conscience keeper– Somewhat socialist– believes in the policy of against-ness– loves to speak and impress any time anywhere– Vermaji says he suffers from a strange babu disease called

verbal diarrhea

Ass-I Himmat Bhai Patel

• Assistant I Himmat Bhai Patel: an overweight man inhis late thirties

• His characteristics:– weird food habits– Specialization in raunchy and racy jokes– but very helpful especially when one needs to move one’s

things or organize ‘khao piyo’ parties– nicknamed haathi ( the elephant) because of his size– he also likes to spread rumors, gossip and spice up

information before passing on to someone else– The commonly acceptable successor to Rathor Saheb

Rehana, the Matrimonial Lawyer

• Rehana, the matrimonial lawyer: secular minded LBSfalls for this traffic jammer, leggy Indian-Afghanibeauty and all hell break loose

• Her smile can kill any body…• She’s the bone of contention between LBS (who does

not believe in socio-religious differentiation) and hisover possessive widowed mother

• Rehana finally helps LBS to lose his virginity anddouble

SAO, Manas banerji

• Senior Administrative Officer (SAO), Manas Banerjiis a promotee (meaning he has been promoted to becomeSAO and is not a direct recruit like AO (Sinhaji)

• His characteristics:– bespectacled strange fellow who takes revenge on his

boss, Gupta ji by using complicated words, for which hedespises him but never accepts he doesn’t understandthem, e.g.

• He’ll use ‘a genuine imitation’ for ‘fake’ or• He’ll use ‘first post the past system’ for ‘simple majority’

Assistant-I, Tushar Bhaumik

• Ass-I, Tushar Bhaumik is an emaciated man withthick spectacles; about to retire

• His characteristics:– An old advertisement – yeh kaam ka maara, isko chahiye

sinkara – can best describe him– A thorough gentle man– 0n the verge of retirement

Assistant ii, Malakrishna

• Assistant-II, Malakrishna is a 35 years old, direct recruit, hence considers promotees as inferior people

• Her characteristics:– short heighted– below average looks – doesn’t like her boss, US Gupta - the controlling officer in DOP

lingo and hates hot & sexy Mrs. Malhotra, the spoilt stenographer

– LBS reports to her

Assistant II, Rawat Saheb

• Assistant-ii, a promotee, Rawat Saheb: is a verysimple man from hills liked by Verma ji and LBS

• His Characteristics:– In-house statistician, gatherer of strange data like how

many red lights can you get between Babupuram and ParolBagh

– A man of small anxieties– A regular prey of DS (GMC)– Entangled into an inter-regional marital alliance with a

south Indian lady named Sujatha who speaks gender freeHindi and always insists on speaking it

Assistant I, Sandhya Mishra

• Assistant-I, Sandhya Mishra: new recruit who joins along with LBS, also an assistant-I– Buxom babe subsequently leaves DOP for greener pastures outside– DS, Gyan Mohan Chaubey fancies her but she plays ignorance…– Has soft corner for LBS… the serial but unsuccessful womanizer of

DOP, DS GMC) doesn’t appreciate it

Others• JS, Makhija: delegates everything, does nothing; is very fond of

Mrs. Malhotra not to the liking of Assistant-II, Malakrishna

• Minister, Bhawani Prasad Pandey: lusty, lascivious ministerresponsible for Ministry of Good Governance under which comesDept. of Prevention (DOP) and Dept. of Ramarajya (DOR)

• Secretary, DOP: Mathur Saheb

• DS Chhotu: does not like to sit in his seat, hence finding himalways a challenge

• Secretary, Cabinet Committee on Appointments: R.S. Saxena

Dept. of Ramarajya

Dept. of Ramarajya

Dept. of Prevention

Dept. of Prevention

JS-P1JS-P1 JS-P2JS-P2

Director (Bhojwani)

Director (Bhojwani)

DS (GMC)DS (GMC)

US(Gupta)

US(Gupta)

AO (Sinha)AO (Sinha)

Ass-II(Malakrishna)

Ass-II(Malakrishna)

LBS (Ass-I)LBS (Ass-I)

US(Vacant)

US(Vacant)

SAO(Banerjee)

SAO(Banerjee)

Ass-II(RawatSaheb)

Ass-II(RawatSaheb)

Ass-I (Sandhya)

Ass-I (Sandhya)

Director (Mishra)Director (Mishra)

DS(Chhotu)

DS(Chhotu)

US(JCS)US

(JCS)

SAO (Vacant)SAO (Vacant)

Ass-II(Vermaji)

Ass-II(Vermaji)

Ass-I(Himmat)

Ass-I(Himmat)

US(Admin)

US(Admin)

SAO(Sharma)

SAO(Sharma)

Ass-II(Vacant)

Ass-II(Vacant)

Ass - I(Bhaumik)

Ass - I(Bhaumik)

LDC (Sonam)LDC (Sonam)

JS-P3JS-P3

Peon (Mohinder)

Peon (Mohinder)

PA (Meena)PA (Meena)PA

(Mrs. Malhotra)

Peon(Ram Avatar)

Ministry of Good

Governance

Chapter Outline• The book is divided into three parts in addition to the Prologue & Epilogue. The first part

deals how the protagonist (Lal Babu Shukla, a lowly assistant who’s just joined DOP) getsadapted to the babu life, learns written and unwritten rules which govern the babu life… aprocess I call babuization.

• The second part deals with the lives and events of the protagonist, somewhat adapted andcomfortable with the idea of being a babu probably because of the soothing company of hismentor in DOP, Vermaji. But soon, he gets bored of meaningless and monotonous work he isexpected to do all the time. He starts feeling alienated and lonely too despite theoverwhelming presence of Vermaji in his life.

• The third part deals with how he takes control of his personal as well as professional life andfinally becomes double by losing his bachelorhood and virginity too.

• Prologue • Part-I • Babuisation: Learning the ropes • Chapters:• Rule No.1 • The higher you go up the less you get to do• Rule No.2 • Babudom is all about Ranks

Continued from previous slide• Letter to T.N. Singh – 1• T.N. Singh replies• Meeting the Babu Veterans• Rule No.3 • Success has many fathers while failure is a hapless bastard• Rule No. 4 • Important is un-important while un-important is very important • Rule No.5 • Babus make simple things complicated• Letter to T. N. Singh - 2 • Super Rule No.1 Yes, sir! Sycophancy and buttering helps• The Predator and the Prey- I • Yours truly, the Agony Aunt• Super Rule No. 2 Divide to Rule• Battle of the same sexes• Super Rule No.3 Hierarchy must be respected at all cost• Finding Chhotu, the Deputy Secretary• Rule No.6 • Never to be over enthusiastic about office work

Continued from previous slide• Rule No.7 • Babus often do the most stupid things with utmost sincerity• Super Rule No. 3 Lip Service helps• The glass board drama• Rule No.8 • When your babu boss is in foul mood application for half day C.L may take full day to be approved

so mood gauging is an important skill• Rule No. 9 • This is not my duty: the division of labor in babu world• The footrest drama• Rule No.10 • If you got a subordinate instruct you must• Rule No.11 • Beware! Babus love to give un-asked for advice• Banerji versus Gupta ji: the war of words• Looking for Accommodation• Managed to find an Illegal but affordable accommodation• The fight over Mr. Tommy• Rule No.12 • Diffuse responsibility to save your tail

Continued from previous slide• Rule No. 13 • What difference does it make if it’s short of or exceed by a few ordinary numbers?• A blue line bus hits someone• Letter to T. N. Singh – 3 (The plight of Biharis) • T. N. Singh’s replies emotionally• Rule No. 14 • Innovation is injurious to babu health• Introduction of buffet system in DOP cafeteria: all hell broke loose • Rule No.15 • Emphasis on means not the end: the babu way of doing things• Relief & rehabilitation, the babu way• Special Memo (SM) of even number• Rule No.16 • Babu love to show they are privileged while their baiters show they are not: MR. J’s Jaipur trip• Part-II• Adapted to the babu life• Rule No.17• Babus love freebies: free food and buzz are a great turn on: an official tour to the regional office • New Year Resolutions• Poor Show at the Beginning

Continued from previous slide• Interview with Maid turned into interviewed by maid• My Birth day’s blues• Lonely and desolate at 31• Imagination technique and Dr. Bal Mukund’s sex therapy• The Predator and the Prey-II• (The Intellectual Terrorism)• Yours Truly somewhat adapted to babu Life• The First Official Tour of the Regional office• Holy in Delhi• Annual Day Celebration-I• Annual Day Celebration-II• Memo to Banerji Saheb• Banerji Saheb versus Gupta ji• Farewell Drama• Special Allowance Bonanza• Face-to-Face with Rainy Day Traffic Jam: Himmat bhai lightens it• Verma ji’s Commentary on Marriage and Sex• Oath Administration in matribhasha

Continued from previous slide• Part-III Post-babuisation developments• Chapters:• Development on Personal Fronts-I• T.N. Singh writes after a long gap• My Letter to T. N. Singh - 4• T. N. Singh Replies• My Letter to T. N. Singh - 5 • Development on Personal Fronts-II• (Proposals start pouring in)• My Date with Miss Hot Babe• The Morning After• My letters to T. N. Singh - 6 • (One Subordinate and three Bosses)• T. N. Singh replies• My Last letter to T. N. Singh• My Farewell Speech• New Year Resolutions-ii• Epilogue• Banning social media –the last act of Minister of Goods Governance

Target ReadersIt will target the following categories of readers:

– Those who are part of the government machinery – a substantialproportion is highly educated and underemployed with ample time toread

– The second category will comprise those who want to join the babumachinery…students preparing for competitive exams conducted byvarious selection boards/departments

– Third category will comprise of those who have to deal with governmentmachineries and the personnel who man them - for getting various kindsof work done ranging from getting a ration card to passport or birthcertificate

– General fiction readers

Unique Selling Proposition

• It’s the lower rung government machinery which commonman has to deal with yet no body has looked into the lives ofthis big segment

• More than 80% of the bureaucracy belongs to the lower rungbabu strata

• Won’t it be interesting to look into their lives, happiness, theiraspirations?

Extracts from the draft book:

Due to space crunch, only random paragraphs fromnon-consecutive chapters have been lifted

The draft of the book is almost ready, interestedpublishers can seek more details

Please direct your inquiry/suggestions/criticisms atrk1234.singh@gmail.com

Portion of Chapter ‘Learning the Ropes’

“Winter had announced that it was coming sooner than later. My motherhad already taken out all my warm clothes from our 20 years old woodenDiwan, kept them in sun light to get rid of any moisture and smell. Haddusted and folded them. After that venomous summer with only six toeight hours of electricity a day, then devastating floods brought about bythe unexpected rains, the coolness of early winter was irresistible. Andthe cold breeze that blew in my part of the world was even moreenticing.

On one of these days, two days before the festival of Diwali, postmanBhola Ram brought the call letter and demanded rupees 100 asbaksheesh. Persisted and prevailed upon my father to extract it withoutany Diwali discount. I had finally been selected and was asked to join (asAssistant, Grade I at Dept. of Prevention (DOP) under Ministry of GoodGovernance) within 15 days, failing which the next candidate on themerit list would be asked to join.”

Continued from previous slide

“I took the usual Mahindra & Mahindra jeep that ran ondiesel and on sharing basis, the rates of which werenegotiated and fixed every time the Petroleum Ministerrevised fuel prices. It was rupees 10 for a seat inside thevehicle and rupees five for a berth on top of it, which wecalled balcony or for those who agreed to voluntarily besuspended behind while holding the rods of the carrier aboveor what ever they could manage to. So a typical jeep couldeasily manage to take 30 to 35 people to their destination andfare per head was unbelievably low. Most of the rupees 5passengers comprised local youths. Due to their subsidizedfare status, they shared some kind of bonding; helped eachother in holding, dangling and finally reaching their respectivedestinations.”

Babu world: It’s all about ranks and hierarchies

SAO saheb asked me to be alert and see ‘‘how things were being done inDOP. It’s one of the most important offices of Government of India,’’ heemphasized for effect. He had not even completed his statement, when thephone shrieked. He picked up the phone hurriedly as if it was one of hismistresses and he didn’t want any body to know who was calling. When herealized who was on the other side his face looked as if it was drained ofblood. Holding the phone to his left ear he stood up while trying to wipe hisforehead of sweat. After a few seconds he sat down. Then he immediatelystood up again. I couldn’t decipher why he was sweating as much, that toowhen temperature had fallen considerably. It was late November; winterhad almost arrived. And the only word he was using was ‘yes sir’. Sonamwhispered in my ear that it was JS Makhija as if she could either read hisface or was an expert in some kind of telephone hacking. Only she lookedlike a human being after that call. She told me since JS had called SAO sahebit must be something important. And as it turned out it was. Mr. Murugan, aJoint secretary in PMO was coming for briefing or attachment or whatever.He was going to join Indian embassy in some strange country called BurkinaFaso.

Continued from previous slide

• Well, as a result of the likely visit of Mr. Murugan all hell broke out in SAO office. Usually he himselfonly instructed what had been instructed upon. But this was different. Some one very special wascoming from PMO. This was not the time to flaunt his authority. He took the job in his own hand toensure that it was done perfectly. But he was an old hand. And a senior administrative officer is ababu in the first place. He had his limitations about how to go about a particular job in hand. He kepton instructing, shrieking, barking, beseeching, pleading to do this or that. Consequently the content ofthe over stuffed almirah was exposed to my virgin eyes. Well it was not very soothing to my eyes. Butthe sudden turbulence or what I call, I’m quite new to my dream world at the moment and my Englishis average so take your pick I am giving you some options – storm/earthquake/tsunami - shook mysentiments. I felt sudden uncontrollable urge to be a part of the mission to locate those illusive pile ofpapers we called reports. The only problem was: I was not trained in locating papers. You think I amjoking. I am not. Only if you are a babu you can appreciate how difficult it is to locate a paper. And Iwas only two days old in my new role. Therefore, I started helping in putting those piles of dustyunorganized files here, there, any where I could find some space with all my abilities, may be to winmy SAO’s approval, if you doubt my public interest credential. My mother, when I was leaving forDelhi pleaded me to be obedient to the superiors — ‘‘they would be your new mai-baap,’’ she told mefinally.

• After a two and a half hours drill, I was completely exhausted. My white starched shirt was crumpledand soiled. Just then SSO Sharma received one more phone call. And he announced, hurt andfrustrated - ‘that bloody Murugan is not a joint secretary. He’s a bloody DS only. Every body lostinterest in the job. I couldn’t guess why. What difference does it make if he was not a ‘joint’ but a‘deputy’ secretary?

Rule 3: Success has many Fathers while Failure is a Hapless Bastard

“Once the state headquarters at Patna received a message that somefive foreign dignitaries were to visit a Charwaha school at Hasanpurblock in Siwan,’’ Verma ji said. “This message was forwarded to thecommissioner Shukla at Chapra with one minor addition that number ofdignitaries was 10. This was done to avoid last minute embarrassment ifthe number of dignitaries was more than initially intimated. Siwanbeing a small town, arranging for boarding and lodging at short noticewas difficult especially if it involved foreigners who were fussy abouthygiene. People at the headquarters had not forgotten the last year’sembarrassment caused by a simple printing error-40 was written as 04.Media added to the predicament further by claiming that localadministration was careless as usual. Why to take chance, more sowhen if things go wrong the kicking percolated downward?” Verma jicontinued.Later on ADM Haifa Lal Bhotemange, a schoolmate of Verma ji told withtears in his eyes. “I had made excellent arrangement for 10-15 peoplegiven the constraints of a small place. What was my fault if instead offour, forty people turned? If things go wrong Delhi people don’t hesitatein passing the buck on regional offices.” Bhotmange privately vowedthat from now on he’d multiply by 10 whatever number he gets.

Continued from previous slideAdmin Headquarters decided this time they were not going to take any chance to so silentlydoubled the no. of expected delegates to 10. Commissioner Shukla learning from last incidentmade it 20 before forwarding it to the district headquarters at Siwan. And district collectorsilently made it to 40. Receiving 40 foreigners was more than they could take in Hasanpur.ADM Haifa Lal Bhotemange, determined not to make any mistake like the last time ordered hisstaff for taking possession of all good conditioned lodges, cars, and taxies enough for 80people. “Do it forcibly if you have to, but I want results,’’ he instructed his police chief. Thewhole area was sealed for security reasons. All the local fresh vegetable sellers were asked tosupply to the authorities. Kind of emergency was declared.

Finally only five people turned who showed more inclination to see the Charwaha School andpot making by village women. They preferred to eat food cooked by illiterate villagers thanhaving spicy chicken, vegetable curries he had got cooked with special care. They ignored evenimported wine he had managed with the help of a custom officer friend. Next day, local Dalliesadded salt to his wound by reporting that Bhotemange had imposed kind of emergency andwasted lakhs of rupees on food and drinks that could have used on so many important workslike getting Hasanpur school building repaired, which could collapse any time. Even the seniorofficials including the district magistrate criticized him for his profligacy and insensitivitytowards citizens and that too in a democratic country. This hurt him the most. If it had beensuccessful every body would have competed with one another to take the credit.

“Success has many fathers while failure is always a bastard?” Verma ji said. “ Bhotemangelearnt it the hard way. Remember this is the third rule of Babudom.”

My Date with Miss Hot BabeWe met at Ansal Plaza at around six in the evening. She had told me she liked Italian foodand the only Italian food I ever heard was Pizza. So I asked her if she would like to havesome pizza. She said she’d love to. We ate pizza and talked about our school lives. I told herI used to sleep in my science class for which I had often been asked to stand on the bench.But after a few minutes of standing I would start dozing off. This infuriated my teacherPaddu Singh. She burst out laughing.

“I didn’t know somebody can sleep while standing on a bench and the whole class iswatching?” She asked while looking into my eyes.” My heart almost stopped when shesmiled. “Wasn’t I embarrassed or something?” She asked without noticing that I waswatching her.“Initially yes, but it was a daily occurring. For how long do you think I could feelembarrassed? Now you tell me about you.”

“Well, I used to soft-whistle when my hunky Mathematics teacher, Mr. Malhotra enteredthe classroom. I had a serious crush on him. Okay forget it” She said it with that enticingconvent school accent. She got up.

“Wouldn’t you show me your place? It’s very rude of you. At least you should ask me.”“Yes, I would love to.” I hurriedly said as if she could change her mind if I was late inresponding. Well, who could dare to say no to that hot and boiling babe? My only concernwas what if she didn’t like my small barsati.

Continued from previous slide

Barsati of Flat No. 309, Babupuram8.30 p.m.

Well to disappoint you, nothing important happened at my place. I was desperate and deprived butI could manage to manage civility somehow. I made coffee for her. Though it was worse than SriRam’s but perhaps she appreciated my gesture if not my culinary skills. Over coffee, we talkedabout our dreams. She said she fantasized about being deserted at an abandoned island with atarzon who didn’t know how to make love and she’d teach him about that. At 9.45 she got andannounced that she was leaving. I said her good night and goodbye. It was a very difficult decisionbut…don’t they say nothing last for ever?

9.55 p.m.I heard a soft knock on my door and I had an intuition of some thing better happening. I openedthe door. My jaws dropped. She was there waiting to get in. She looked at me with those lovelyexpressive eyes. I opened the door and she got in. I looked at her with all hope.“Well, Shukla, I think I’ve forgotten to take my keys. I’m so sorry to disturb you,” she said in herconfident, seductive voice with perfect accent.“Oh!” I could only manage that.She moved towards where she had sat a few minutes before. For a fraction of seconds I got a reallyreal dekho of her back, though completely covered by her jeans. But in those tight hipsters, onecould easily imagine what was inside. Here I want to make a confession: if there was a provision inlaw to punish a person who thinks of sexually assaulting a woman though not actually doing so, Iwould’ve got the full sentence. Luckily for me, crimes committed in mind are not covered by IPC.

Continued from previous slide“What are you thinking, Shukla?” she said in a voice that knew what actually I was thinking. “Okay,bye! See you!” and she was gone before I could realize it.

******I was disappointed but couldn’t do much about 31st. We went out twice after that. But nothingsignificant happened when considering the success of our first date. She didn’t ask me to take her seemy place again. Frankly, I had lost all hope of getting her back to my place, despite my best of efforts.Perhaps she had come to know what I really wanted to do with her. But women are strange and luck isstranger. It could come from nowhere when you were least expecting it, may be that’s why it’s calledso. It came - finally to this babu of lower denomination.

While getting out of the office building, I checked my new possession, Nokia 1100. I had a missed callfrom her. I moved towards the only barber shop in my area to get a haircut. Verma ji had invited me toher daughter’s first b’day. I decided to call her once I’m finished with the hair cut. My mobile startedringing again. I waited. But it didn’t stop. It continued for as long as it could. Then again! The nai, usedto such nuisance indicated me that he could wait. I picked it up. It was she, no doubt.

And she dropped the bomb without any warning- “I’m coming to your place and stay over the night,”she said with perfectly perfect accent I could only envy but would never match, at least in this life. I wasspeechless, didn’t know how to respond.

After the haircut I had to go to Verma ji’s Lodhi Colony quarter. I just couldn’t miss it. How could I missfree food? A variety of delicacies were on offer. I was deprived of good food too. I was in dilemma. Itwas like choosing between an assured return option and an expected return option which may nothappen. She only said she’d stay overnight, which may or may not mean ‘only staying overnight’. Icouldn’t clarify more on this, though. I decided to go for assured return option first. But I had to saysome thing convincing.

Continued from previous slide“Sweet heart, I am going to attend a b’day party. When will you come?“ I tried to sugar coat mystatement.“I am coming right now. I’m on my way. At the most I’d be 15 minutes,” she said with.I didn’t know but somehow I got a haunch that today’s date will not be like others. I felt like

taking a chance with the expected return option. One has to take chances in life. I assured myself.But there was a ceratin logistical problem. I couldn’t reach my flat in 15 minutes. There wasanother problem too. What would I say to Vermaji’s wife? I started sweating in the month ofNovember. Am I’m going to miss it?”I just cannot come right now. I mean not before 10. I’m really sorry.” I said in the most loving

voice.“Then you are going to be sorry for the rest of your life. It’s now or never.” She seemed to be in ablackmailing mood.“What do I say to Mrs. Verma? She’d be annoyed. After all, it was the first b’day of their daughter.Besides, I had bought a present for that lovely kid.”I tried my best reasoning with Miss Hot Babe. With a woman! Sorry I don’t know her real name. Idon’t care to be honest.“Go to hell for all that I care. I’m also a lovely kid. And I’m your gal friend. Decide - whom do youwant -she or me? And you never bought a lovely present for me.”I kept quiet. Verma ji says one can never win an argument with a woman. Why try then? May beshe already had a fight with her mother. She was asking me to choose between her and a year oldbaby. What could I say.“But what do I say to Mr & Mrs. Verma? Or what lie would be convincing enough, I wanted toask?’’“Tell them to go to hell. No, say you are busy. No, tell him you’re not feeling well.”“I cannot say that. I already informed him I was coming. And Verma ji knows how busy I’m. Thinkof something else.”

Continued from previous slide“ That’s your problem. Now or never! She or me! Decide now.”

That’s her. If she doesn’t have any thing to offer she would say - it’s your problem and will thinkthat the problem is solved. Though, I have not yet asked her, but there is certainly some babublood in her veins. Only a babu or an offspring of a babu can reply in such a way- that’s yourproblem when she should say it’s our problem.“Okay I’ll think of something. But make it 9. I cannot make it before that.”“No, it’s 8.45. Not later than that. Good-bye!”She had studied law after finishing her graduation in Political Science from one of those hi fiNorth Campus College. I couldn’t match her when it comes to negotiation. I also had a law degreeto my credit…but mine was from a not so good, vernacular medium college.Those of you who are single and deprived like me can understand my situation. Being a babu(trained under the able guidance of Verma ji) I wanted to try both the options. She was askingoption the expected (good sex) over assured (good food). Well for a deprived person like me, sexhas to be good if it’s there. Sex can’t be bad. If I take her bait I would miss the free food. If I optedfor food I would have to forego the probabality of having a hot gal on platter.In the end, I decided to take the risk of annoying Mrs. Verma for Miss Hot Babe. But I did onething I sent the gift through a Chotu of the gift shop, handing him a ten rupee note. I took theauto and asked him to fire. He did but only for a few seconds. It stopped and I cursed my luck.Then I took another auto. It barely moved a few hundred meters then stuck in the colossal traffic.I looked at the driver with my eyes begging for mercy and he reciprocated with pity.“Don’t worry! saheb I can take the wrong side. It’s only a few kilometers and mamu (the trafficconstable) is not in sight. I can manage. I also have to reach home early as my sala is coming,” hesaid and sped the auto rickshaw. Within ten minutes it was past the traffic jam. I smiled for thefirst time in an hour. I paid him five rupees extra and he looked satisfied. I almost jumped out ofthe auto rickshaw and took a cycle rickshaw and phoned her. “I am on the way.” I said. “It couldhardly take 10 minutes.”

Continued from previous slide

“Hurry up!’May be the desperation was mutual. Something happened in my trouser. Precisely atnine we entered into my flat. I was so despo and deprived that I attacked her like alion that had not eaten any thing for months. My left hand was in her T-shirt whilethe right in her jeans. She removed my right hand from her jeans and put it at herb***s - her small un-feelable b***s in her anorexic structure. However the deficiencyin b*****s was well compensated by her enticing b***s.

She asked me to kiss her. I tried, but to my dismay, which immediately turned intoself-loathing, I could not kiss properly. Well, to be frank I had never kissed a womanin my almost 30 years of existence. I didn’t know kissing could be so complicated.Sometimes I ran my forehead to her nose or my teeth bumped into her lips. Finallywe gave up. Though for her generosity she didn’t throw me out of the bed. Sheremained patient. May be she loved playing teacher. She asked me to concentrate onher b*****s. I tried my best, but again lack of experience was failing me.

.She amusingly asked me- “what do you think, you are doing, Mr. Shukla? Kneadingflour for chapatis? I can imagine why your government is so disappointing. If aresponsible government servant can’t take proper care of a woman…one can easilyguess what kind of government you people can give us…” She left the sentenceunfinished. I felt happy that she considered me a responsible governmentservant…but her “can’t take proper care of a woman’’ – jolted my inflated ego.

Continued from previous slide

-------------------- --------------------- -------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------- ------------------- ------------------------------ ------------------I’m going to teach you - how to make a woman happy. How to love awoman so that you feel loved yourself in the process? Then she turnedon the TV, switched off the light, and pulled me closer and held metightly. No touch could be as pleasing as hers. She undressed mehurriedly. While looking at my fully erected manhood she smiled thesmile of the millennium - “Wow, you are huge. I like it. Common baby,take me. I can’t wait to be taken. Love me pleaseeeezzz…! I jumped. Theworld was under me! The world had come to stop at my feet. At onestroke, I had become the winner from the loser. Life is like that. Youdon’t know when it gets into good mood.--------------------- ------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------ --------------------------------------------------I didn’t know sex could be so sexy…………………………………………………………..

The Morning After

I woke up like I had climbed Mount Everest last night. My whole body was hurting. Yet Iwas happy; I had finally become a man. I lost my virginity to a beautiful woman. I madecoffee for both of us.After a few sips, she asked. “Mr. Shukla, so this is why you brought me home - to screw meup?”I was speechless. She was so direct. I brought her at my place? Did I have any choice? It wasshe who almost forced her on me. Well, what would Vermaji say if I tell him about this?“She’s is a woman…when it comes to woman silence pays.”It kept mum…------------------------------ ------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------- ------------------------------------- ------------------------ ------------------------------------------------ --------------------------------- -------------------------- ------------------------------

Author’s Profile

• Ritesh Kumar Singh (rk1234.singh@gmail.com), Mumbai, India

Career Summary

• A corporate executive with 14 Years experience across variousgovernment departments and two top Indian corporations

• Joined Raymond as its Group Economist in June 2012; prior to thisworked as Group Trade Economist, Aditya Birla Group, AssistantDirector, Dept. of Economic Affairs, Ministry of Finance, Governmentof India and Research Officer, Cabinet Secretariat, Govt. of India

• Have background in Economics and Law.• Regularly speak on international trade issues at corporate gatherings.• A columnist with The Hindu Business Line, though does not formal

literary background