Love and Logic

Kathy Utter

Kate Wessel

Introduction

Love and Logic

A strategy used to reduce the reactivity of adults to students by setting firm limits in caring ways without anger, lecture and threats. When students do cause problems, the adults hand the problem back to the student in caring ways that promote thinking.

Background

“Drill Sergeant” approach

Tends to activate the Emotional Brain Does not develop thinking skills Insulting to some kids Interferes with free will

A.W. Atkinson, MD

Background

“Natural Consequences” Good but often not sufficient Adding empathy helps to increase the chances of

getting the thinking brain going

Rewards, praise, stickers etc. Develops expectancy of always getting something Novelty wears off Some kids are immune--don’t care Does not develop thinking skills

A.W. Atkinson, MD

Background

When we start feeling frustrated, we are entering the Emotional/Reactive Brain Zone.

We are giving over our own control.

We increase the students’ reactivity. A.W. Atkinson, MD

Background

Love and Logic Calms the reactive brain with empathy and

delayed consequences Encourages thinking skills with choices and use

of problems solving with students One liners help staff to be less reactive

A.W. Atkinson, MD

The Rules of Love and Logic

RULE #1

Use enforceable limits

The Rules of Love and Logic

Rule #2

Provide choices within limits.

The Rules of Love and Logic

Rule #3

Apply consequences with empathy.

Enforceable Limits

Setting enforceable limits involves telling students how you will be acting and handling situations.

Enforceable Limits

The effective application of limits requires that children have implied choices and be forced into thinking mode.

This means that we are not telling kids what to do we are telling them what we will do. This is limit setting.

Enforceable Limits

Turn Your Words Into Gold“Get your finger out of your nose.”

“I will listen to you when your fingers are not in your nose.”

“Stop whining.”

“I will listen as soon as your voice is as calm as mine.”

“You show some respect.”

“I will be glad to discuss this when respect is shown”

Choices Within Limits

Give 99% of your choices when things are going well.

Make deposits into the “Choices Saving Account”

Give choices before the student becomes resistant.

For each choice give two options, each of which you like.

If your student does not make a timely choice, make the choice for him/her.

Choices Within Limits

Delivery is important: You’re welcome to--or-- Feel free to--or-- Would you rather--or-- What would be best for you--or--

Choice Within Limits

Assigning math problemsBathroom breaksFree timeHomework

Choices Within Limits

Power StrugglesOften times winning a power struggle is more important to a child than making a good decision, particularly if the child feels that he/she does not have much control over things.

Choices Within Limits

Take a “Savings Account” approach Make frequent deposits when things are going

well. Use phrases such as “That’s your choice,” and “You decide.”

When you need to make a withdrawal it is easier because the child sees you sharing control. Use phrases such as, “Don’t I let you make a lot of the choices? Well, this time I need to decide.”

Choices Within Limits

Don’t be afraid to say, “I usually give choices, but not this time.”

Never give a choice unless you are willing to let the child experience the consequence of that choice

Never give choices when a child is in a dangerous situation

Never give choices unless you are willing to make the choice if the child does not

Choices Within Limits

Shared Control “We either give control on our terms, or the kids

will take it on theirs.”

“Do I want to control kids or do I want to obtain their cooperation?”

“We need control over our lives. When we don’t get it, we go after control over others.”

Consequences With Empathy

The effective teacher administers consequences with empathy and understanding, as apposed to anger and lecture.

When adults respond with anger and lectures, children often transform their sorrow into anger with the adult--the lesson may be lost.

Consequences with Empathy

“No behavior technique will have a lasting, positive result if it is not delivered with compassion, empathy, or understanding.”

Teaching with Love and Logic

Consequences With Empathy

The child is not distracted by the adult’s anger. The child must “own” his or her pain rather than

blaming it on the adult. The adult-child relationship is maintained. The child is much less likely to seek revenge. The adult is seen as being able to handle

problems without breaking a sweat. The child learns through modeling to use

empathy with others.

Consequences With Empathy

How to Destroy the Teaching Value of Logical Consequences:

Say, “This will teach you a good lesson.” Display anger or disgust Explain the value of the consequence Talk too much Feel sorry and give in Contrive a consequence for the purpose of

getting even

Consequences with Empathy

Problems with Immediate Consequences:

Most of us have great difficulty thinking of one while we are teaching.

We “own” the problem rather than handing it back to the student. We do more thinking than the child.

We are forced to react while we and the student are upset.

Consequences with Empathy

Problems with Immediate Consequences:

We don’t have time to anticipate how the student, his/her parents, our administrators, and others will react to our response.

We don’t have time to put together a reasonable plan.

We often end up making threats we can’t back up.

Consequences with Empathy

Problems with Immediate Consequences:

We generally fail to deliver a strong dose of empathy before providing the consequence.

Every day we live in fear that some student will do something that we won’t know how to handle with an immediate consequence.

Consequences with Empathy

“This is sad. I’m going to have to do something about this. But not now, later.”

Consequences With Empathy

Delayed Consequence

Consequences do not need to be delivered immediately.

Take time to develop a plan.

Include the student in the development of the consequence by using the problem solving

steps.

Consequences with Empathy

Problem Solving Steps Empathy: “How sad.” “Bummer.” Send the power message: “What do you think you are

going to do?” Offer choices: “”Would you like to hear what other kids

have tried.” Have the child state the consequences: “And how would

that work for you?” Give permission for the child to either solve or not solve

the problem: “Good luck. I hope it works out for you.”

Bonus Features

The One Sentence Intervention

“I’ve noticed that__________. I’ve noticed that.”

Do this twice a week for at least three weeks.

Bonus Features

Neutralize student arguing Go Brain Dead Choose a one-liner

“I respect you too much to argue.” “I bet it feels that way.” “Could be.”

Do not attempt to think--Become a broken record. Keep voice soft.

Bonus Features

Love and Logic Classroom Rules

I will treat you with respect so you will know how to treat me.

Feel free to do anything that does not cause a problem for anyone else.

If you cause a problem, I’ll ask you to solve it.

Bonus Features

Love and Logic Classroom Rules Continued:If you can’t solve the problem or chose not

to, I will do something.What I do will depend on the special

person and the special circumstances.If you feel something is unfair, whisper to

me, “I don’t think that’s fair,” and we will talk.

Bonus Features

Teaseproof Your StudentsPut on your “cool look”

Use a one liner, “Thanks for telling me.”

Walk away

Share with teacher in private

Resources

www.loveandlogic.com

Contact Kathy Utter to check out Love and Logic resources such as DVDs, CDs, and books.

Bibliography

Teaching with Love and Logic

Jim Fay and David Funk

Calming the Reactive Brain

presentation by A.W. Atkinson, MD