Love, Body and Change: A teacher's narrative reflections

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Love, Body and Change: Ateacher's narrative reflectionsEila Estola & Leena SyrjäläPublished online: 18 Aug 2010.

To cite this article: Eila Estola & Leena Syrjl (2002) Love, Body and Change: Ateacher's narrative reflections, Reflective Practice: International and MultidisciplinaryPerspectives, 3:1, 53-69

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Re� ective Practice, Vol. 3, No. 1, 2002

Love, Body and Change: a teacher’snarrative re� ectionsEILA ESTOLA & LEENA SYRJALAUniversity of Oulu, PL 2311, 90014 Oulun Yliopisto, Finland; e-mail:[email protected]; [email protected]

ABSTRACT ‘Love’ was chosen as our topic after we had noticed that many teachers usedthe word ‘love’ when talking about relational ethics. One of them was Helena, the teacherto be discussed in this paper. We have been interested in how different stories can be usedas re� ective tools and what and how they tell about love. In Helena’s autobiography, wediscovered three critical phases at which love was manifested in her moral horizon: to learnto love by being loved, to learn to love pupils and love as struggle. In her diary, we identi� edtwo aspects of love that she re� ected on through bodily descriptions: love as interaction withchildren and love of oneself. Based on Helena’s interviews, we identi� ed two dimensionsthrough which love was re� ected in the frame of change at the classroom level: thecurriculum and time and power. The three different narrative ways to re� ect on loveindicated that, in order to understand re� ection and the re� ective practice, we need to heardifferent stories.

Love, Body and Change: a teacher’s narrative re� ections

‘Love’ was chosen as our research interest after we had read a number of teachers’autobiographies and noticed that many teachers talked about loving their pupils orloving their work in general. One of them was Helena, the teacher to be discussedin this paper. Helena uses the word ‘love’ frequently when speaking about differentactivities, such as ‘a love of art’ and also when describing her relationship to herpupils. “If I stop loving my pupils or my work, I’ll take up my job as a plastictrader”, she writes.

We noticed that teachers used the word ‘love’ when talking about relational ethics.A review of the literature indicated that research on relational ethics involves manyoverlapping terms, which are not always easy to distinguish from each other (see alsoGoldstein, 1997, p. 12).1 Astonishingly enough, educational researchers have hardlyaddressed the topic of love in teaching. This may be partly due to the fact that workand love have been seen as two distinct ways of being and to be exercised in twodifferent places (Freedman, 1987, p. 76). The place of love is the home and privatelife in general, while the place of work is the public domain, which is governed byreason rather than emotions or moral principles.

ISSN 1462-3943 print; 1470-1103 online/02/010053-17 Ó 2002 Taylor & Francis LtdDOI: 10.1080/14623940220129870

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54 E. Estola & L. Syrjala

Goldstein, however, (1997, pp. 13–15) writes about teaching with love as amarriage of passion to care, concern and connection. Although she is hesitant aboutde� ning love too precisely or correctly, she argues that love includes passion,intimacy and commitment. She also emphasises (p. 78) that because the word ‘love’means different things to different people, there are hidden dangers when talkingabout love and loving teaching. Despite the dif� culties of de� ning what love is andhow to study it, or maybe because of that dif� culty, we wanted to honour Helena’spersonal language and decided to focus on ‘love’.

Ruddick (1995) helped us to consider love as work, rather than merely anemotion, and also as doing that promotes a special way of thinking. Ruddick pointsout that the maternal practice produces a maternal way of thinking and knowledge,in which the main contents are nurturing, protecting and training. As Ruddickherself and Elbaz (1992) have re� ected, professions, such as teaching, share partlythe same moral roots. In order to be able to further our understanding about lovein teaching, we need, in accordance with Elbaz (1992, p. 423), “the invention oflanguage and conceptual categories which will support new ways of talking aboutteachers’ work and thought”.

Our approach to re� ection is narrative-biographical and moral. Teachers re� ectby telling stories, which help them to reconstruct their personal experiences and todevelop new insight into their lives (Bleakley, 2000; Heikkinen, 2001; Pritzker,2001). Story-telling is a (re� ecting) meaning-making process, and telling thus alwayshas a moral ground and moral implications (Korthagen, 2001, p. 55; Valli, 1990).2

Based on the biographical approach, we consider both goal and process meaning-ful in re� ection. We consider our approach similar to Dewey’s (1933), who arguesthat the relation between the situation a person is in and the goal she or he wantsto reach is an essential issue in re� ection. Having the future, present and past ininteraction means that re� ection is basically a process. Melucci (1996, p. 4) argues:“we have been accustomed to think that what matters is the aim and the outcome,that the means attain their importance subservient to the ends only … the road ismade as important to us as its destination”. Re� ection is one mean to answer the‘how’ question: by telling a story, one can understand what is happening, withoutlosing herself or himself and still accept the change. Love as a moral voice frompractice or, even more, as a moral horizon (Taylor, 1989) in a teacher’s identity callsus to widen the concept of re� ection as a process and not only as problem-solving(Ghaye, 2000).

The Process of Inquiry

We worked in close co-operation with Helena, a primary school teacher, for abouttwo years. Helena teaches a special art class. The pupils have six hours of art weekly,instead of the regular 1–2 hours. Otherwise, however, the regular curriculum isobserved.3

We know Helena from various contexts. She used to be Leena’s student andtaught Eila’s son for four years, including the period of study. Helena is a re� ectivepractitioner (Day, 2000; Korthagen, 2000): she gives reasons for her actions,

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Love, Body and Change 55

develops her own work both in class and in various committees outside school,re� ects on the philosophical, ethical and power issues of her work, and uses herwhole personality in teaching. As a mother, Eila learned to know Helena as apassionately dedicated teacher who cares about her pupils and actively co-operateswith the parents. She is simultaneously both a ‘traditional’ teacher with a vocationand a modern woman and mother who wants to do many things quickly and toachieve results.4

Our reading of stories has been inspired by Brown and Gilligan’s (1992, pp. 21–31) efforts to focus on the aspect of voice, in which empathetic listening is essential.The most crucial focus of interest has been voice as dialogical (Wertsch 1991,p. 59). Brown and Gilligan argue that voice is always relational, that connectionsand responsive relationships underlie women’s knowing. One’s voice changes de-pending on the ‘relational acoustics’ (p. 20), i.e. whether one is heard or not heardand how one is responded to. While reading Helena’s narratives, we have also triedto hear where the ‘love voices’ come from (Elbaz-Luwisch, in press).

Our effort to hear Helena’s stories seriously has been a process of re� ectingbetween the different voices of her story as well as our own voices (cf. Bentz &Shapiro, 1998; Coffey, 2001). As women, mothers and educationists we have manythings in common. As we worked with Helena and read her stories, many emotionallinks connected our own stories to them, a phenomenon called ‘narrative echoing’by Elbaz (1992, referring to Conle et al., 1991). Eila even lives on the same streetwhere Helena spent her childhood and has a house precisely similar to Helena’schildhood home. Eila has also met Helena’s parents and brother. We furtherrecognised mutual similarities in many of the basic matters of life. On the otherhand, being of different ages, we are living at different stages of our lives.

This paper is based on three types of stories: a written autobiography withcommentary in the form of letters, a diary including Helena’s re� ective comments,and two transcribed interviews with Helena, Leena and Eila present. We also haveHelena’s poems, drawings and photos, and have visited Helena’s classroom andmade some classroom observations. Although the latter material has not beensystematically analysed, our interpretations have connections with the whole set of� eld notes (Clandinin & Connelly, 2000).

We have been interested in how different stories can be used as re� ective tools andwhat and how they tell about love. First, we will consider the emergence andmanifestation of love in Helena’s autobiography. Second, we will consider love as anembodied practice based on Helena’s diaries. Finally, we will discuss the interrela-tions of love and change at the classroom level based on Helena’s interviews.

Love as a Moral Horizon in Helena’s Autobiography

Helena wrote her autobiography in the summer 1997 after she had learnt about ourbiographical research project.

She begins like this: “To you! On my endless journey into myself I meet myselfas a schoolgirl. When I tell you about my life, it is like a rite of puri� cation”. Andshe concludes: “The net that life has woven on my face reminds me of the moments

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I have lived, the years of growth that have helped me to � nd myself as I am today”.Helena portrays life as an endless process of building and as something that remainsunknown forever and presents telling as a puri� cation rite. This reminds us aboutone’s identity as ‘discordant concordance’ (Ricouer, 1984) and writing as a con-fessional practice (Bleakley, 2000).

The � rst chapter ‘Meeting myself as a schoolgirl’, engages her in ‘internaldialogue’, between her earlier and later selves (Bakhtin 1981, p. 427). Typically ofre� ection, biographical writing makes it possible for Helena to view herself from adistance. This process is described by Bakhtin (1981, p. 256) as follows: “If I relate(or write about) an event that just happened to me, then I as the teller (or writer) ofthis event am already outside the time and space in which the event occurred”. InHelena’s autobiography, we discovered three critical phases at which love in hermoral horizon developed, widened and/or changed: to learn to love by being loved,to learn to love children and love as struggle.

To Learn to Love by Being Loved

At home I learnt the life values that I have retained throughout my life: agood person has a good working morale and is hard-working, honest andenterprising. You can bravely speak out your mind, but you should alsorespect others (respecting difference). Your family is the most importantproject of your life, and you must manage it as best you can. You mustnurture your human relationships, for you are nothing on your own(helping). Never let the sun set over your anger. You are responsible foryour own life and you should therefore develop yourself. You go to school,children, we did not have that opportunity. I’m glad my parents did notconsider my constant drawing a waste of time … I became interested in artwhile still a little girl. My grandmother wrote poems and even plays, andwe felt strong mutual solidarity. My maternal grandfather was really skilfulin woodwork. A love of art and a sense of beauty have always been part ofme.5 (Letter to Eila)

Helena’s voice of love speaks of how she should be and act in relationships.6 She alsorecalls part of the ‘golden rule’: ‘Love thy neighbour as thyself’, when describing hergoals in being in relationships. In her childhood family, Helena and her olderbrother were loved and cared for. Being loved made Helena conscious of her ownvalue (cf. Noddings, 1984). At home, she learnt charity: her parents were alwaysready to help both Helena’s friends or anyone else in need of assistance.

Helena’s story resonates with Taylor (1989, pp. 34–35), who points out thatidentity and its moral elements begin to develop in children’s early relationships withadults, when the basic values are adopted in the language in practice.

To Learn to Love Children

While studying, Helena had her � rst impressions about the obligation of teachers tolove their work and pupils. The teaching of art emerged as the core of Helena’s

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evolving teacherhood. These two dimensions of love persist throughout her wholeautobiography. The student teachers of early education and art were taught bymemorable and impressive teacher educators. The lecturer of the early educationcourse emphasised calling as a crucial part of teachers’ work and simultaneouslypointed out that the teacher is for the children, not the other way round. “I reallylearnt to teach, integrate and understand small children’s need for art education. Ibegan to � nd the teacher in myself”. The teacher of art education inspired her tobecome committed to arts and creative work. The love of the subject gave Helenaa tool for establishing emotional links with children. The teacher’s love for thesubjects radiates to the pupils, as is shown by the memories of Pryer (2000).

Having quali� ed as a teacher, Helena was full of plans “to wake up the schoolsystem like Sleeping Beauty out of the hundred years’ sleep to better meet thepupils’ needs. But I have since realised that there are many obstacles on this road”.

From the very beginning of her practice Helena wanted to work for ‘pupils’ needs’and similarly to many other teachers (cf. Lauriala, 1997, pp. 148–149), Helenakeeps referring to her pupils as “my children”. In her autobiography she also recallsher memories how she, as a young teacher, realised how much responsibility isinvolved in teaching (Hansen, 2001).

The � rst insights about the importance of trust, loving emotions and meaningfulexperiences in learning grew and deepened as Helena continued to work. How ithappened was, however, unexpected.

Re-born and Under the Cross-pressure of Roles: love as struggle

The serendipity and predicaments of loving become obvious at the stage of theautobiography where Helena’s private life and teaching begin to speak at the sametime with similar and contradictory voices. Helena writes about the experience ofrebirth after two years as a teacher. She fell in love again (she had broken herengagement a few months earlier), got a new home, lost weight and gained newenergy. After getting married, she continued her hectic life: participation in a sportsclub and trade union activities took up her spare time. “I lived a completely sel� shlife: together but still alone”.

The birth of her babies forced Helena to re� ect on her own role as a mother, ateacher and a spouse (Freedman, 1987; Sikes, 1997). She was now been drawn intotwo different directions by children, her own children at home and the children shewas teaching in her classroom. Although Helena wanted to become a motherpassionately and at once, becoming a mother was much harder than becoming ateacher. During her pregnancy Helena did not have any ‘maternal feelings’, andafter giving birth to her � rst baby, she often felt tired with the small, constantlycrying colicky baby. “The � rst baby was a hard lesson for us and made us grow ina short time more than any other thing could have”. She recalls the experience offeeling like a failure as a mother after admitting at the health centre that she foundit “awful to be a mother”.

Helena’s story resonates strongly with Ruddick’s (1995) view of love as work thatis not an innate feeling or power that automatically guides us in the correct

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direction, but a historically evolved way to act, which each mother is ‘forced’ toadopt.

Helena’s re� ections also tell about the tensions between Helena’s personal emo-tions and the idealised views that teachers are not supposed to be mothers whoneglect their children (Dehli, 1994) or that both being a teacher and motherhoodinvolve self-sacri� ce (Casey, 1990). In listening to the voices of her own child andher work, Helena decided to resume teaching halfway through her maternity leave.She did not want to sacri� ce herself, but wanted to do the work she loved so muchand to integrate motherhood as part of the identity of a career woman. Her husbandstayed at home to take care of the baby, and soon after he returned to work, he losthis job and became unemployed.7 “It was anxiety”, Helena writes.

A few months later Helena was offered her present job as an art class teacher. Shedecided to accept the offer. Helena wanted to make her dream come true of teachingart to children and to work for a full four years with the same group, establishingclose contacts with both the children and their families. Her plans changed,however, as she had a ‘surprise baby’ and another maternity leave. Althoughmotherhood was much easier this time, Helena again resumed work halfway throughher maternity leave, and her husband, being still unemployed, took care of the baby.

Loving seemed very dif� cult, the marriage between two completely differentpeople seemed a risky effort, and the many different aspects of Helena’s moralhorizon called her, often in contradictory voices. Even Helena’s own motherwondered why her daughter wanted to resume work halfway through her maternityleave. Helena gradually gave up her hobbies to have more time for her family andwork. Hence she thoroughly enjoyed her job and worked long hours: “I had to keepa low pro� le at home, because my husband would not have tolerated my constantpraise of my work”. At the same time, however, she began to wonder about thepossibilities of being able to continue her studies, despite the opposition of herparents and husband, because she felt she needed some inspiration after havingworked for nearly 10 years.

In the story line of her autobiography, love is exposed to con� icts and mutuallycompetitive moral voices. It turned out that love was not such a dynamic, soft,happy and positive feeling it is generally described to be. To quote Nussbaum’s(1990, pp. 267–268) perceptive description: “The love is not some separate factabout us that is signalled by the impression: the impression reveals the love byconstituting it. Love is not a structure in the heart waiting to be discovered: it isembodied, made up out of it, experiences of suffering.

Diary and Re� ections through the Body

The Body in the Diary

Helena has been writing for years, often several diaries at the same time (see alsoWiener & Rosenwald, 1993). The diary that we analysed was originally written byHelena for herself, and she started writing it a year before she wrote her autobiogra-phy. The diary covers the period August 1996–August 1997.

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Helena herself says: “the diary re� ects my feelings at a given moment. By readinga diary entry, you can truly re-capture the atmosphere of the situation you wroteabout”. Researchers, also, de� ne diary writing as confessional, re� ecting on one’sown feelings, thoughts and actions in relation to others (Allport, 1942; Korthagen,2000).

In her diary, Helena repeatedly records her concern about not feeling motivatedto teach any more and lacking the passion to teach.8 It took us a long time, however,to realise that Helena expresses her concerns and joys, emotions and morals throughher body.9 At � rst, we were rather more confused than happy about our discovery.We were tied to the Western autobiographical genre, which is a universal anddisembodied subject (Smith, 1993, pp. 17–18). Leena felt particularly dubiousabout how moral voices could be re� ected in embodied expressions.

Although it has been generally accepted that identity is always embodied, i.e. itbelongs to somebody (Burkitt, 1999, p. 1), educational research has also been quitenon-committal about the body in education. However, there is research that theteacher is seen by others and sees the others through the body (Mitchell & Weber,1999; Weber & Mitchell, 1995). The concept of bodily work has traditionally beenassociated with physically heavy occupations that require strength (Burkitt, 1999;Tedre, 1996).

We were helped forward by feminist readings of narratives, in which a ‘body’ ofwriting is seen as re� ecting the bodily rhythms and potencies of the woman herself,as a re-inscription of that body, or a reconstruction of identity. Instead, writing “‘outof the body’ subverts male-inspired traditions of confessional writing” (Bleakley,2000, p. 18 quoting Cixous, 1991 and Irigaray, 1985). The body gives a place to seere� ection as a process equally volatile, strong, powerful and vulnerable as ourbodies. In Helena’s texts we identi� ed two aspects of love that she analysed throughbodily descriptions: love as interaction with children and love of oneself.

Embodied Love as Interaction with Children

I’m done with the � rst week of school. I feel strangely light and energetic.I still seem to be slow in producing ideas and the old things keep comingback to my mind—it is dif� cult to make a fresh start. The pupils seem sosmall, and I sometimes feel irritated about having to repeat something ahundred times. … I’m beginning to feel they are my pupils. It is a goodsign.

I’ve been thinking about irritability. All of a sudden, I’m back to thebeginning … And even if I have said something � ve times, it doesn’tguarantee that we’re talking about the same thing. Then I feel irritated, buttry to cover and contain my feelings, not to frighten the pupils. I don’t wantto shout at them, but I know that I have a ‘fed up’ look when I feelirritated, and the children notice that they have caused me a disappoint-ment. I should not be so impatient. (16 August 1996)

Helena tells about herself as a teacher by using her bodily sensations as a voice.

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While she feels light after the � rst working week and the children seem like her own,she complains about the dif� culty of starting with a new group of children, and feelsirritated. At the same time, she also knows that the children must be able to trusttheir teacher to establish a loving relationship with her. The irritation shows in herbody posture and facial expressions. Helena is aware that her own good intentionsare not always in harmony with her bodily sensations: the mind and the body are notaiming at the same goals.

For the past four years, Helena had been working with the same group of childrenand she still misses them. Simultaneously, however, she should already be able tobecome attached to the new group. Although Katz (see Goldstein, 1997), amongothers, has claimed that the teacher’s attachment to his or her pupils is professional,restricted and temporally limited, Helena’s experience seems to speak for a differentinterpretation. A strong feeling of attachment does not end when the children go toa different school. Love in teaching is hence a continuous process: the teacherbecomes attached to his or her pupils and then has to give them up.

Love, even for a teacher and her pupils, means an ability to live together(Goldstein, 1997; Van Manen, 1991). In Helena’s case, physical contact andhugging are part of her relationship with the children in her daily work as well as onspecial occasions. “The children hugged me a good autumn break” (18 October1996).

The voices of the children call to Helena to nurture and love them, even at timeswhen she herself feels unable to do so. “We have managed to do all sorts of things,but I have felt myself an outsider. Today, my heart jumped for joy when a dif� cultsixth-grader said during the art class: ‘I appreciate you because you always listen tous and talk to us about all kinds of things’ ” (19 September 1997). Helena alsophysically feels the heaviness of teaching: overwhelmed by someone always “hangingon her sleeves” and demanding her attention.

Helena expresses the sense of somehow losing her energy and enthusiasm at work,which causes her to feel powerless and vulnerable, emotions which she connects toher body by describing them as corporeal phenomena and with embodied metaphors(Lakoff & Johnson, 1999).

I cannot stand the terrible noise all around me. I feel like getting out ofit—I am tired of meeting endless demands. Everything irritates me and badthings seem as huge as mountains. Even small things make my hair standon end. I have to carry on and be able to organise even impossible tasks,although what I would most like to do is to pull the blanket over my headand sleep. (19 September 1997)

Helena’s diary reminds us about the silenced side of teaching: along with the joy andpositive feelings, teaching includes daily routines, endless repetitions, noise, perpet-ually moving small bodies, questions, arguments (Hansen, 1995, 1998). This iswhat women are used to accepting as part of love and care. Teaching consists verymuch of making your body available to others: the smaller the children are, the morethe teacher’s body is a place for touch, for sympathy, for anger. Ruddick (1995,

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p. 68 citing Lazarre) writes: “I hate them and everything, but I love them”,reminding us that there are various emotions present in love.

Embodied Love of Oneself

To be somebody is quite identical to the question of ‘Who am I?’ of knowing whereone stands, of knowing what is meaningful in life. The body is not the neutral homeof one’s mind, but rather a construction that connects mind and identity withsomebody, provides a unique place for one’s emotions, perceptions, body languageand morals (Grosz, 1994).

Throughout her life, Helena has been used to controlling her body, which hasbeen supported by her high level of physical activity. In this sense, Helena is likemost modern women: the body is also an object (Burkitt, 1999). Appearance andbodily characteristics serve as messages (Melucci, 1996, p. 71; Weber & Mitchell,1995) and mental change can be enhanced by bodily change. Helena is used toseeing herself as a powerful somebody, as an energetic, ambitious and active person,who appears to pay attention to her appearance. Aesthetics and physical � tness gohand in hand as feelings of empowerment in Helena’s embodied identity. In herautobiography, Helena explained how she changed her appearance by slimming andsimultaneously experienced a mental revival. In the autumn 1996, Helena writes inher diary that, because she was taking on a new group, she felt as though she hadto start anew and she dyed her blond hair red.

Changes in the body are also signals of mental change, in Helena’s case: to slowdown a bit. Indeed, the diary reveals the signi� cance of the good health for a teacher:the issue, which is well known in theory but often neglected in practice. Helenaregularly wrote in her diary about how she often felt unwell, had a � u, lost her voice(sic!), and had some other vague symptoms: “My body gets ill because I am notsensible enough to give it enough rest. I just can’t relax and when I’m sick I can’texercise enough. This is simply torture” (31 January1997). Finally, Helena went tosee a doctor, who referred her to a surgeon, which made her think about her pupils:“I keep remembering the words of one of my parents: ‘I hope that the teacher won’tbe out of school a lot’. One should not always think about what other people say.I � nd health so important that I am not going to sacri� ce it just for not having tomiss work 0 (7 January 1997).

Helena’s descriptions of her way of knowing, her emotions and the meaning oflife through her body and with the language of her body support Burkitt’s concep-tions (1999, p. 151) that ethical relations can be traced back to embodiment. As ateacher, Helena works with her body, i.e. as a corporeal, living person. Whatshe does or does not do has very concrete consequences. Helena was caughtbetween two voices: on the one hand, she realised that she could not sacri� ce herhealth, but on the other hand, she heard many other voices that urged her to trymore and not to rest. The way Helena can put her love into practice goes throughher body: how she behaves, touches, looks like, listens to the others, and how she isable to love herself in order to remain healthy. Love turned out to be doing ratherthan feeling.

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The Change: love in the curriculum

The third set of material consists of our discussions in Helena’s class in February2000, about two years after Helena had made the written material available to us.In these discussions, we tried to identify the directions from which teachers hearvoices that inspire, motivate and demand change. Change is a moral voice thatchallenges teachers to re-consider their previous views and practices (Estola &Syrjala, 2000). Change therefore requires re� ection and simultaneously assigns amoral content to re� ection. The two are mutually indispensable.

Helena located herself in her autobiography and diary. She reminds us that shewrote them under cross-pressure of roles, but now she had made her choices andwas concentrating on her work and family. She had given up her plan to startpostgraduate studies at this point, but is acquiring other in-service education all thetime. She points out that their family life is more peaceful now that she has moretime for her family.

The Curriculum of Helena’s Own

Helena describes her curriculum as “more or less like writing history” (cf. Gud-mundsdottir, 1995). She already began to dream of her ‘own’ curriculum while inher � rst job, because she realised that the children did not feel enough joy of learningdue to the restrictive arrangements of the school.

But even there, I had this problem of always feeling that things can bechanged in life. I mean, if something is not good, we can make a change.That we can just do it differently. They used to have strict schedules in thatschool when I started there, but I said I was not going to put up with that.

While working on school-speci� c curricula,10 Helena realised that the curriculum isto help the pupils participate in planning their own activities and to allow thefamilies to see what their children had accomplished at school. Helena’s relationshipwith the of� cial curriculum is more distant: she is familiar with the content, but shepointedly argues that, for her personally, it is not important to follow guidelinesgiven by someone else.11

For Ruddick (1995) the future orientation of education requires a welcomingresponse to change. In Helena’s case this starting point seems obvious. For her,change is nothing special, but rather just one aspect of the practice of teaching andsomething demanded by the voices she keeps hearing from different directions (cf.Estola & Syrjala, 2001).

In Helena’s story, change is anchored on coping with two loves: her love ofinteraction with children and her love of herself. Helena’s love of interaction withchildren makes her sensitive to hearing the children’s needs12 and ability to envisiongood learning environments, where children can interact naturally both with eachother and with the teacher. Her love of herself, however, obliges her to respond toher own interests. It also resulted in her decision to teach philosophy to her pupils,

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although philosophy is not a regular subject in primary school. Helena herself likesphilosophy, and she feels it would be dif� cult to understand art without it.

Helena talks about her work as an artistic process and shares many of the notionsof Woods (1990, 1996), who often connects creative acts with changes withinclassrooms, and who describes the multiple forms of understanding and emotions asessential features of teaching. Love of the subjects taught are part of Helena’s artisticprocess in teaching.

Time and Power

Time and power made up a ‘plot’ that connected the changes to each other andallowed Helena to re� ect on the causes and effects of changes in the frame of love:what the consequences are for the interaction and learning in the classroom. Timeis one of the school routines that is used to manage pupils and learning (Schwab,1978). Helena has been � ghting against this routine and has tried to make thechildren feel that they can manage time rather than vice versa.

When Helena was at school, she did not want to go out during the breaks andtherefore often had detention. She has never wanted to impose such forced sched-ules on her own pupils. Helena speaks about a “natural working rhythm” and “thepassion” to learn new things: studying should not be disturbed by technical divisionsof time, but it should rather be allowed to take place in experiential time: “ ‘interiortime’—the times of desire and of dreaming, of the affections and the emotions”(Melucci, 1996, p. 14).

Change is also always a matter of power. Helena considers the teacher the primusmotor of the class. She says that if the teacher refuses to plan in order to make thelearning process and the learning environment versatile, there is nothing the pupilscan about it. On the other hand, however, Helena is also willing to make changesbased on the children’s opinions. For example, although she liked dancing lessons,she discontinued them because of the children’s wishes. Precisely because theteacher is the primus motor, love obliges her to hear and listen and to take thechildren seriously.

One of the most potent forms of power wielded by teachers is the evaluation ofpupils. Helena appreciates verbal feedback and uses it as long as possible, until theautumn term of grade 5.

From the viewpoint of student evaluation, the change has been dramatic.The child need not be afraid of the last school day to � nd about his or herreport, because the marks have been openly discussed beforehand. A markcan even be changed on the basis of that discussion.

The new system of evaluation aims at a dialogue rather than mere teachers’authority and Helena � nds this relevant and good. Helena � nds it important toinvolve the whole family in the discussion. The presence of one or both of theparents in the discussion makes the child feel safe enough to even disagree with theteacher.

Helena is typically interested in ‘everything’. Although she is developing her work

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to meet the needs of the children, another signi� cant motivation is her own desirefor change. Therefore, teaching with love is not something soft and stable, but rathera powerful, demanding, challenging duty, which may become, if taken seriously, amajor political element.13

Love and Unsynchronised Voices

“I wrote this story of my life as a teacher. This is the truth—today”(Helena’s conclusion of her autobiography)

We described Helena’s re� ections about her life and work, within which love14

turned out to be a con� ict-sensitive way of acting. The vital source of strength issimultaneously the basic cause of concerns and identity crises (cf. Taylor, 1989).Helena herself said that the biggest trials in her life have been related to love.Helena’s identity seems to be an active process, ‘doing’ as opposed to ‘being’(Bloom, 1996, p. 178).

Being sensitive to the language, which Helena used, also promoted her to besensitive to the content of it. Love in Helena’s work is manifested in her unique wayof being a teacher. At the same time love is part of the practice of teaching tied withthe traditions, where children call their teachers to see them and take them seriously(Hansen, 2001). Love as a language of practice is not a monologic but rather adialogic voice (see Wertsch, 1991, p. 59), and the multi-voiced chorus underlyingHelena’s identity caused her to feel powerless, vulnerable, insuf� cient, confused, asif she were on the verge of losing her sense of who she should be and would like tobe.

The three different narrative ways to re� ect indicated that, although they sharecertain features and themes, they also underline different things. In order tounderstand re� ection and the re� ective practice, we need to hear and analysedifferent stories. This � nding reminds us about Brown and Gilligan (1992), whodescribed three approaches to reading the stories of young girls.

First, they concentrated on ‘who is speaking’. In our case, Helena’s autobiographyprovides an answer to this question. The autobiographical re� ection outlinedHelena’s life in its totality, showing how love was integrated as part of her identityand how it changed over the years, becoming more vulnerable and a major challengein the chorus of multiple voices inviting her to choose different paths.

The second question posed by Brown and Gilligan (1992) was: ‘in what body’.The bodily aspects brought out in Helena’s diaries indicate that re� ection consistsof holistic thinking, which should pay due attention to all modes of knowing,including bodily knowledge. Helena’s work as a teacher also seemed to open up ina new way to us: the moral dimension of work emerges in concrete situations, oftenin a tumult of complicated emotional, moral and bodily feelings (Boler, 1999).

Brown and Gilligan (1992, p. 22) point out that “the dominant voice in the � eldof education has been oracular, disembodied, seemingly objective and dispassion-ate … a story about separation”. Helena’s diaries provide a counter-narrative to this:a narrative of relationships with implicit closeness and contact. A story of embodi-

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ment that was contradictory and did not allow the body to be controlled, but wasstill an important tool for showing love. A story of a woman and a teacher.

The third question posed by Brown and Gilligan was: ‘in which social situation’.This question was answered in the discussions between Helena, Leena and Eila. Thediscussions made it visible that changing is an essential aspect of Helena’s teacheridentity and that her teaching is tied to many contextual voices, in the middle ofwhich she tries to put her love into practice. The narrative-biographical approachalso encourages us to view all the three stories together. By doing so we can see, forexample, that change is not an isolated technique in teaching, but part of themanifestation of Helena’s moral identity. Changes are part of the life-stories of theteacher, the class and the school, and the moral character and versatility of changeare therefore best revealed by different narratives (see also Clandinin & Connelly,1998).

Helena told her story as a teacher but she implied that there are also other storiesand other identities in her life. She argues, however, that she told a true story—thetruth today (cf. Lather, 1991). In Helena’s narrative identity, relational ethics, whichwe called loving, turned out to be the loudest voice in her moral horizon during thetwo years we spent working together. Helena’s story also points out that teachers areexposed to contradictory demands and it is not easy to decide which voices to listento. Although, for now, Helena seems to be able to connect the voices of loving, weshould do well to bear in mind that, even in loving, she tried different solutions: afterhaving her second baby, she cut short her maternity leave and returned to work. Yet,it is impossible to predict what choices Helena will make in the future.

Our work with Helena made it increasingly clear to us that re� ection itself has adialogical character. We understand better our own stories when we share them withsomeone. Successful sharing results in ethical dialogue (Miller, 1996), where boththe narrator and the listener feel that they are understood and heard. It appears thatHelena found the process encouraging; she recently promised to participate in a newresearch project where stories will be shared. She said: “the idea sounds promis-ing … I’m busy … but I guess I will � nd some time to write a biography … after all,that’s more like a hobby than work”.

As we tried to understand Helena’s moral horizon from the perspective of love, wefound ourselves re� ecting on our moral standpoints and the role of love in it. Weasked ourselves with whom we would like to share the most fundamental matters ofour lives: What are we like as teachers, do we work with love? How does the loveshow in our lives? We shared many of the feelings described by Helena, and thisprocess of sharing encouraged us to look at ourselves more bravely, not only asresearchers who appreciate reason and intellect, but also as � esh and blood.

Acknowledgements

Our warmest thanks to Dr Freema Elbaz-Luwisch from the University of Haifain Israel for her encouraging support and comments on the earlier version of thispaper.

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Notes

1. The best-known concept is probably Noddings’ (1984) ‘ethic of care’. She underlines theprivate relationship between the teacher and the pupil, which should be both responsiveand reciprocal (see also Tirri & Husu, in press).

2. Re� ective thinking is dif� cult to de� ne. Korthagen (2001, pp. 51–52) has pointed out thatsometimes “it seems that the term ‘re� ection’ is used without a careful conceptualisation,in a loose way, which makes it almost synonymous to ‘thinking’ “. Re� ection can beconsidered as a process consisting of certain stages, such as the ALACT model (Korthagen,2001) or as aesthetic, as art (Bleakley, 2000, p. 15) or as writing and telling (Hatch &Wisniewski, 1995), which is also our way. However, more and more often, re� ection isconnected with moral implications (see Korthagen, 2001).

3. Finnish schools produce their own curricula, which means that each school can utilise itsspeci� c strengths.

4. We have earlier written about Helena in some conference papers (Estola & Syrjala, 1999,2000), and this paper provides a re-interpretation in a (theoretically) never-ending process(Clandinin & Connelly, 2000)

5. We distinguished four dimensions as the basic moral horizon which makes life worth livingfor Helena: Loving (relations to other people, especially to those who are close), doing,creating and developing (Estola & Syrjala, 1999).

6. Nussbaum (1990, pp. 274–276) also points out that knowledge of love is “a complex wayof being, feeling, and interacting with other persons” and that this view also seems to betypical of women’s way of thinking.

7. In Finland, maternity leave lasts for 263 days, of which 158 days constitute a ‘parental’leave, which can be used by either the mother or the father.

8. Without the diary, Eila, whose son was in Helena’s class, could never have guessed thatHelena was experiencing a crisis in her own teaching career. This was a signi� cantobservation of how one may feel the responsibility to work in a certain way even withouttrue inspiration. But how long can a teacher go on like this without burning out or losingher vocation? (cf. Hansen, 1995; Huebner, 1987)

9. There is more about discovering the body in the conference paper by Estola andElbaz-Luwisch (2001).

10. In the 1990s, the curriculum system was changed in Finland: the national curriculum is avery general core curriculum, and the municipalities are encouraged to develop their owncurricula. The third step will be school-based curricula.

11. This is reminiscent of Westbury’s description (1999, p. 357): “the curriculum is only oneof the organisational structures around teaching, and bears an uncertain relationship today-to-day practice”, which for him is “a messy business … the only questions that are realin the real world are: what might we want to do in this here-and-now world?”

12. In her diary, Helena often mentions individual children (and their parents) by name,describing their skills and life situations and � nding solutions to their problems.

13. In this, we refer to Ruddick (1995), who points out that mothers can become a strongpolitical force in peace-making if their work is taken seriously.

14. Love is, indeed, coming to focus in teacher research. Pryer (2001) recalls that her love ofballet grew out of profound love of her ballet teacher, who passionately loved dance.Schwab uses the concept ‘eros’ to describe teachers’ passion towards their work. Accordingto Bleakley (2000, p. 20), on the other hand, the oppression of eroticism is typical of‘patriarchal’ educational practices.

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