Love DefinedLove Defined

“What is love?”“What is love?”

» God made us to desire sex» rooted in the

attraction to the beauty we see in others

» This desire leads us to union» Needs to be

ordered toward a sincere gift of self

» God made us to desire sex» rooted in the

attraction to the beauty we see in others

» This desire leads us to union» Needs to be

ordered toward a sincere gift of self

1

» We often confuse love with attraction

» Taught that love and sex are the same

» Often can’t differentiate between love and lust

» We expect love to be easy

» We often confuse love with attraction

» Taught that love and sex are the same

» Often can’t differentiate between love and lust

» We expect love to be easy

2

Opposite of love…Opposite of love…

» Utilitarianism - the philosophy of maximizing pleasure and minimizing pain, often at the expense of others. When applied in relationships, one ends up using a person for one’s own gain.

» Using = makes something or someone a means to an end» Person becomes an object

» Utilitarianism - the philosophy of maximizing pleasure and minimizing pain, often at the expense of others. When applied in relationships, one ends up using a person for one’s own gain.

» Using = makes something or someone a means to an end» Person becomes an object

3

UtilitarianismUtilitarianism

» Emphases on usefulness» It is useful if it gives pleasure and

eliminates pain» Happiness = pleasure» Pleasure is the ultimate good» Moral standards based on

maximizing pleasure and minimizing pain» If this is accomplished you are

“moral”

» Emphases on usefulness» It is useful if it gives pleasure and

eliminates pain» Happiness = pleasure» Pleasure is the ultimate good» Moral standards based on

maximizing pleasure and minimizing pain» If this is accomplished you are

“moral”4

UtilitarianismUtilitarianism

» Modern culture has adopted this philosophy» Not always done

intentionally

» Using is the opposite of loving

» Lust is an example of this kind of philosophy

» Modern culture has adopted this philosophy» Not always done

intentionally

» Using is the opposite of loving

» Lust is an example of this kind of philosophy

5

Utilitarianism and Relationships

Utilitarianism and Relationships

» We often use one another in relationships

» Focused on instant gratification

» We choose to satisfy our desires instead of doing what is best for everyone

» If both parties agree - they are simply agreeing to be used» Contrary to nature of the human

person

» Utilitarianism is contrary to Christ’s commandment to love

» We often use one another in relationships

» Focused on instant gratification

» We choose to satisfy our desires instead of doing what is best for everyone

» If both parties agree - they are simply agreeing to be used» Contrary to nature of the human

person

» Utilitarianism is contrary to Christ’s commandment to love

6

Bellwork 9/1/09Bellwork 9/1/09

» “Love one another as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friend”

- John 15:13-141. What does JPII consider the

opposite of love?2. Briefly summarize utilitarianism

» “Love one another as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friend”

- John 15:13-141. What does JPII consider the

opposite of love?2. Briefly summarize utilitarianism

Personalistic NormPersonalistic Norm» Personalistic norm = “The

person is a good towards which the only proper and adequate attitude is love”» We only deserve love» We should not be used as a

means to an end» We instinctively reject being used» Value of person is greater than

value of pleasure

» Personalistic norm = “The person is a good towards which the only proper and adequate attitude is love”» We only deserve love» We should not be used as a

means to an end» We instinctively reject being used» Value of person is greater than

value of pleasure 7

Movie clipMovie clip

“What is love”“What is love”

What is Love?What is Love?

» Mutual relationship between persons» Not one-sided

» Three aspects of love1. Love as attraction2. Love as desire3. Love as goodwill

» Mutual relationship between persons» Not one-sided

» Three aspects of love1. Love as attraction2. Love as desire3. Love as goodwill

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1. Love as Attraction1. Love as Attraction

» Recognizing the good of another person» Seeing the inner

and outer beauty

» The emotions are present here

» Recognizing the good of another person» Seeing the inner

and outer beauty

» The emotions are present here

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2. Love as Desire2. Love as Desire

» It is aimed at finding a good which it lacks» We are limited beings» Sex (being male/female) is

a limitation to our humanity

» Leads us to seek fulfillment in another

» “I want you because you are good for me”» Never becomes utilitarian

» Felt as a longing for the other person

» It is aimed at finding a good which it lacks» We are limited beings» Sex (being male/female) is

a limitation to our humanity

» Leads us to seek fulfillment in another

» “I want you because you are good for me”» Never becomes utilitarian

» Felt as a longing for the other person 10

3. Love as Goodwill3. Love as Goodwill

» “For love is not merely a feeling; it is in an act of the will that consists of preferring in a constant manner, the good of the other, to the good of oneself.”» John Paul II

» “For love is not merely a feeling; it is in an act of the will that consists of preferring in a constant manner, the good of the other, to the good of oneself.”» John Paul II

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3. Love as Goodwill3. Love as Goodwill

» To will the good of the other» This is the closest to the

love with which God loves us

» An active decision» Giving of oneself totally» Love is not judged by

intensity of emotion felt » Love does not seek to

gain but to give

» To will the good of the other» This is the closest to the

love with which God loves us

» An active decision» Giving of oneself totally» Love is not judged by

intensity of emotion felt » Love does not seek to

gain but to give 12

Living love in RelationshipsLiving love in Relationships

» Ask the question: » Is what we are doing

really BEST for my beloved?

» This question should be asked in all relationships

» If you are doing what is genuinely best for the beloved, then you are living love

» Ask the question: » Is what we are doing

really BEST for my beloved?

» This question should be asked in all relationships

» If you are doing what is genuinely best for the beloved, then you are living love 13

Bellwork 9/2/09Bellwork 9/2/09» “For God so loved the world that he

gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him might not perish but might have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him.” - John 3:16-17

» What is Chastity in your understanding?

» “For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him might not perish but might have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him.” - John 3:16-17

» What is Chastity in your understanding?

Chastity frees us to love

Chastity frees us to love

The word “chastity” needs to be rehabilitated - John

Paul II

The word “chastity” needs to be rehabilitated - John

Paul II

Chastity is not…Chastity is not…

» Sexual repression » Unhealthy response to

sexuality» Leads to prudishness

and fear of sexuality» Can le ad to reckless

sexual behavior later

» Abstinence» Not having sex

» Sexual repression » Unhealthy response to

sexuality» Leads to prudishness

and fear of sexuality» Can le ad to reckless

sexual behavior later

» Abstinence» Not having sex

14

Chastity is…Chastity is…

» A virtue that directs our sexual desires and attitudes toward the truth of love» Virtue: a habit of doing

good. Done easily, joyfully, promptly.

» Chastity is the integration of sexuality within the person» Unity of body and spirit

» A virtue that directs our sexual desires and attitudes toward the truth of love» Virtue: a habit of doing

good. Done easily, joyfully, promptly.

» Chastity is the integration of sexuality within the person» Unity of body and spirit 15

Chastity is…Chastity is…

» Perfect expression of love - not too much, not too little» Say with your body what you really

mean» Expressing love physically in the right

way

» Exercise of the will - a choice to express love properly

» Keeps us from using each other as objects makes them capable of love

» Perfect expression of love - not too much, not too little» Say with your body what you really

mean» Expressing love physically in the right

way

» Exercise of the will - a choice to express love properly

» Keeps us from using each other as objects makes them capable of love

16

Bellwork 9/9/09Bellwork 9/9/09

» “When you resolve fully to live a clean life, chastity will not be a burden to you; it will be a triumphant crown” -Josemaria Escriva

1. List the 3 aspects of love.2. Summarize in a few words: Love

as desire3. List two things chastity is not.4. In a few words: define what

chastity is.

» “When you resolve fully to live a clean life, chastity will not be a burden to you; it will be a triumphant crown” -Josemaria Escriva

1. List the 3 aspects of love.2. Summarize in a few words: Love

as desire3. List two things chastity is not.4. In a few words: define what

chastity is.

Chastity is…Chastity is…

» “Only the chaste man and woman are capable of love”- JPII

» Not possible without love» Requires us to put others

before ourselves» Expressing yourself in the way

that is best for them

» Says yes to the demands of love and fights the selfish desire to lust

» “Only the chaste man and woman are capable of love”- JPII

» Not possible without love» Requires us to put others

before ourselves» Expressing yourself in the way

that is best for them

» Says yes to the demands of love and fights the selfish desire to lust 17

Chastity is…Chastity is…

» not just a virtue for the unmarried or dating

» All Christians are called to chastity» Even married couples

» When we are not expressing love perfectly with our bodies we are lying with our bodies - sexual lie

» not just a virtue for the unmarried or dating

» All Christians are called to chastity» Even married couples

» When we are not expressing love perfectly with our bodies we are lying with our bodies - sexual lie 18

Chastity includes…Chastity includes…

» Purity (CCC 2517-2527)» When our intellect and

will are conformed to God’s holiness

» Enables us to see as God sees

» Seeking to find God and do his will in everything

» Purity requires modesty

» Purity (CCC 2517-2527)» When our intellect and

will are conformed to God’s holiness

» Enables us to see as God sees

» Seeking to find God and do his will in everything

» Purity requires modesty

19

Chastity includes…Chastity includes…

» Modesty: (CCC 2521-2522)» “refusing to unveil what

should remain hidden”» It protects the dignity of the

person» Encourages patience and

moderation in love» It demands fulfillment of the

appropriate commitment between man and woman

» Includes: clothing, choice of language and humor, dancing

» Modesty: (CCC 2521-2522)» “refusing to unveil what

should remain hidden”» It protects the dignity of the

person» Encourages patience and

moderation in love» It demands fulfillment of the

appropriate commitment between man and woman

» Includes: clothing, choice of language and humor, dancing

20

Is chastity an obstacle?Is chastity an obstacle?

» When we lust instead of love…» Pleasure is the end instead of the

good of the other person» Chastity is then seen as repression

» When we equate sex or sensual feelings with love…» Chastity appears to separate them

and therefore is the enemy of love

» When we lust instead of love…» Pleasure is the end instead of the

good of the other person» Chastity is then seen as repression

» When we equate sex or sensual feelings with love…» Chastity appears to separate them

and therefore is the enemy of love

21

Living ChastityLiving Chastity

Living chastity while single

Living chastity while single

» Physical expressions should always match the type of relationship and the commitment attached to it.» Friends with benefits?» Dancing? Does it properly

express the kind of relationship?

» Physical expressions should always match the type of relationship and the commitment attached to it.» Friends with benefits?» Dancing? Does it properly

express the kind of relationship?

22

Living chastity while dating

Living chastity while dating

» Expressing love physically is ok» Nothing that

arouses sexual desire

» Arousal is symbolic of readiness to give oneself fully

» Touch that is affirming

» Holding hands, kissing

» Expressing love physically is ok» Nothing that

arouses sexual desire

» Arousal is symbolic of readiness to give oneself fully

» Touch that is affirming

» Holding hands, kissing

23

Living chastity while engaged

Living chastity while engaged

» Promise to marry has been made» Element of

commitment that is not present in dating

» Initial gift of self has been made

» Physical expression» Arousal permitted

» Promise to marry has been made» Element of

commitment that is not present in dating

» Initial gift of self has been made

» Physical expression» Arousal permitted

24

Living chastity in marriage

Living chastity in marriage» Most difficult in marriage!

» Vows indicate complete gift of self

» Body should image that gift» Sexual intercourse is most

perfect bodily expression of the gift

» is exclusive to marriage for this reason

» “Renewal of vows”

» In marriage there are reasons to be abstinent: financial, health, emotional, etc.

» Most difficult in marriage!» Vows indicate complete gift of

self» Body should image that gift

» Sexual intercourse is most perfect bodily expression of the gift

» is exclusive to marriage for this reason

» “Renewal of vows”

» In marriage there are reasons to be abstinent: financial, health, emotional, etc.

25

Sum it up!Sum it up!

» Utilitarianism vs. the Personalistic Norm

» 3 aspects of love: love as attraction, desire and goodwill

» Defined love as willing the good of the other

» Chastity helps us express love perfectly

» Living Chastity in relationships

» Utilitarianism vs. the Personalistic Norm

» 3 aspects of love: love as attraction, desire and goodwill

» Defined love as willing the good of the other

» Chastity helps us express love perfectly

» Living Chastity in relationships