Loving Your Relationships

8/10/2019 Loving Your Relationships

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By Thomas Altaffer LCSW

Pamela M. Altaffer LCSW

August 31 2014

HELPING YOU HEAL YOUR RELATIONSHIP FROM THE INSIDE OUT

WWW.LovingYourRelationship.com


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Table of Contents

DISCLAIMER ................................................................................ 2

CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION .................................................... 3

CHAPTER 2: THIRTY YEARS LEARNING TO LOVE ................. 4

CHAPTER 3: THE ULTIMATE SPIRITUAL PATH........................ 6

CHAPTER 4: DEPENDENCE RELATIONSHIP ........................... 8

CHAPTER 5: 50/50 RELATIONSHIP ......................................... 10

CHAPTER 6: INTIMATE COMMUNION ..................................... 12

CHAPTER 7: TWO VIEWS OF RELATIONSHIP ....................... 14

CHAPTER 8: TWO TYPES OF THERAPY ................................. 16

CHAPTER 9: INTEGRATING STAGES INTO TREATMENT ..... 18

CHAPTER 10: TREATMENT IS DYNAMIC ................................ 20

CHAPTER 11: NEGOTIATING TRANSITIONS .......................... 22

CHAPTER 12: WHAT STOPS US FROM LOVING? .................. 24

CHAPTER 13: RELATIONSHIP DRIVERS ................................ 26

CHAPTER 14: ATTACHMENT DISTURBANCE ........................ 28

CHAPTER 15: ATTENTION IS IMPORTANT ............................. 30

CHAPTER 16: SWAY TEST ....................................................... 32

CHAPTER 17: CHECKING SELF CONCEPT/SELF ESTEEM .. 34

CHAPTER 18: CHECKING SOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS ............. 36

CHAPTER 19: COMMITTED PARTNERSHIPS ......................... 38


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DISCLAIMER

This booklet is presented for educational and research purposes. It is notintended to replace medical care. There is no guarantee that theseapproaches will perform as discussed. Negative side effects of thesetreatments are not documented. However, there is no assurance that therewill be no negative side effects for your patients. Any consequences of the

use of these techniques are the responsibility of the individual. Theprocedures presented are not intended to diagnose, treat or prevent anydisease.


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CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION

What follows in this booklet is derived from a training Pam and I did at the ImagoInstitute in New York City in 2012.

At this advanced training for therapists we demonstrated our approach to workingwith couples that does not depend on diagnosing dysfunction, setting rules ordeciding who is right and who wrong. Instead, our approach is centered in theunderstanding that it is our own judgments, trauma, limiting beliefs and negativefeelings that are interfering with the natural expression of love and intimacy.

The therapists at Imago were particularly well suited to understand this point. Dr.Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt began Imago in 1980, with theunderstanding that much of the frustration that develops in our adult relationshipshave their roots in early childhood.

This presentation is designed to help you understand what this means for yourrelationship and introduce you to the possibility that by healing trauma, judgment,

limiting feelings and beliefs, it is possible to obtain a level of freedom and intimacy inrelationship that you might not have even thought possible.The specific steps to healing trauma and limiting feelings and beliefs is beyond the

scope of this booklet but can easily be found on our website atwww.AskandReceive.org.


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CHAPTER 2: THIRTY YEARS LEARNING TO LOVE

Relationships are not easy. In fact, they are the hardest thing any of us will ever do.For Pam and me, our relationship almost ended before it began.

When my wife Pam and I were married almost 30 years ago, we were under a greatdeal of stress. We had moved, gotten new jobs, gotten married and made a number ofother changes as well, and we knew we needed help. As young therapists ourselves weasked around and found the best couples therapist around and drove an hour up tosee her every week. On our trip up to see her we would be happy and getting along.


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Then we would meet with her for an hour and fight the whole way home.As this repeated week after week we started to pull away from each other until one

week the therapist told us that we should get divorced. She felt that our differenceswere too much and that we should divorce now and find other partners.

Luckily, even though we were just beginner therapists, we knew that there wassomething wrong with that advice. It felt wrong for a therapist to be making thedecision about the future of our relationship. It felt wrong to focus so painfully on

what was making us unhappy. And we were smart enough to know that if weabandoned each other we would both carry that scar for the rest of our lives.

As a result we started looking for another way to heal, and what we found turnstraditional couples therapy on its head. What we found doesnt focus on what is not

working. It doesnt involve making deals. It doesnt even involve changing ourpartner. In fact, what we found turns couples therapy into the most powerful tool forpersonal healing yet discovered!


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CHAPTER 3: THE ULTIMATE SPIRITUAL PATH

When two people fall in love and decide to spend the rest of their lives together they

are making an incredible leap of faith. They are choosing love over fear andcommitment over selfishness, and doing it for better and for worse, in sickness andin health, until death do they part.

Is it any wonder that so many relationships fall apart? It is hard to stick to theselofty goals when the children are screaming, you are unemployed and the mortgagehas to be paid. This is why we consider relationship to be the ultimate spiritual path. Itforces us to do battle with our selfish nature on a regular basis. Whatever issues we


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have will come up in the context of the relationship and will act as a lever to separateus, both from each other and from our loving nature.

It is this separation from our loving nature that is of primary importance. It is thisseparation that leads to our experience of pain and upset. In the context ofrelationship though, it is so easy to blame this separation on our partner and convinceourselves that if we can only control (or get rid of) our partner, then we will be happy.

It is this misperception that leads to most conflict in relationship and virtually alldivorce. It is an easy mistake to make, and one that all of us make over and overagain. If a relationship is to ripen and mature there has to be a gradual evolution as weshift from an external focus on changing our partner to an internal one focusing onhealing ourselves.

It is this crisis which is the opportunity for a couples evolution. We refer to this asa spiritual evolution because it is a developmental process leading us away from ourfrightened ego defined childish views to a deeper, wiser more loving and open

understanding.While all of us will resist this evolution (because it can be painful), it is one thatleads not only to improved relationships, but to a quieter and more loving mind.


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CHAPTER 4: DEPENDENCE RELATIONSHIP

David Deidahas written and spoken about the spiritual and developmental nature of

relationships and sexuality for years, and he believes that there are basically three typesof relationship. We think this is important because the different forms of relationshipoften require different types of coaching. Also, often when someone presents forhelp, they are trying to negotiate a shift from a lower level of relationship to a higherone.

Mr. Deida believes that for almost all of human history there was pretty much onlywhat he calls the Level 1 relationship. This is a relationship based on dependence
http://www.deida.info/http://www.deida.info/http://www.deida.info/


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between the members. Think of an arranged marriage or a marriage based on verydistinct roles (e.g. the man hunts or works while the woman cares for the children andthe home).

This is a very stable form of relationship. Divorce is unusual because each memberneeds the other to perform his or her role. Love and intimacy are not necessary to arelationship such as this, and while there can be a good deal of passion, this can alsoinvolve a good deal of fighting and abuse.

Level 1 relationships are still the norm, both in the United States but especially inareas where there are limited social resources.

According to Mr. Deida, it really wasnt until the 1960s that a new form ofrelationship evolved. The reason this happened had to do with increasing socialresources but also because of an arising need within some of these relationships formore flexible roles and a greater sense of equality and possibility. While this wasdriven largely by women wanting more from their relationship, many men also

realized that this new way of relating brought them many benefits as well.


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CHAPTER 5: 50/50 RELATIONSHIP

The level 2 relationship is what we now think of as the modern style. It involves a

more or less equally shared relationship in which two independent people cometogether to share in the tasks of partnership. Instead of each member shouldering hisor her distinct role, responsibilities are divided so that there is a more or less equaldistribution of work. In this form of relationship it is common for both partners to

work, to perform childcare and household chores.This is very different than the Level 1 relationship and it brings a great deal more

equality and freedom into the relationship but it does so at the risk of turning the


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relationship into more of a business partnership, of losing the aliveness that mighthave existed in the level 1 relationship.

Because each member of this relationship is more independent, these relationshipsare dramatically less stable and more prone to divorce. If we dont have to staytogether for survival, many people will decide to leave in hopes of creatingsomething better with someone else.


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CHAPTER 6: INTIMATE COMMUNION

Deidas third level of relationship is Intimate Communion. This is a level ofrelationship that is only just now starting to manifest in the world. It is a level ofrelationship that can only be consistently practiced by people who are willing and ableto take full responsibility for their lives, their feelings, their judgments and theiractions. It is a form of relationship that is entirely voluntary, not based on survivalneeds or a desire for help doing chores. It involves the moment to moment


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willingness to choose to be open and alive within the relationship, to share oneselffully and to practice, practice, practice.

There are many couples who are starting to feel the limits of their 50/50Relationship and want more. They yearn to be more fully themselves within theirrelationship and to be fully seen, while at the same time, fully see and accept theirpartner. As wonderful as it sounds, this is the least stable of all the relationship formssince it is entirely voluntary. Also, since true intimacy is so frightening, it takes greatmaturity to not run and hide when our fears or insecurities start to come out.

For those who can do it though, this is where the juice is. This is where passion,intimacy, acceptance and freedom lie, but it can only be had for those who are willingto risk losing it all to obtain.

Because of the nature of our work, Pam and I find ourselves almost exclusivelyworking with clients who (whether they know it or not) yearn for this level ofrelationship.


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CHAPTER 7: TWO VIEWS OF RELATIONSHIP

Having seen the three levels, it becomes easy to see that there are really two different

ways of looking at relationship. Depending on which of these views you hold to reallydetermines what your relationship looks like as well as what form of coaching is mostlikely to benefit you.

We call the first view Traditional because it has been around the longest. It seeslove as something separate from the lover. In this view, love is something thathappens to you. It is something that comes from outside of you and is as delicate as abutterfly, likely to take flight if someone makes a wrong move or a loud noise. And,


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once it is gone, it may never come back. Once the infatuation period in therelationship has ended, judgments begin to emerge about your partner. The

Traditional relationship will try to change the other or try to make a deal orcompromise with the partner.

On the other hand, what we call the Evolved view sees love as something innate.The state of love belongs within you. It can be triggered by your partner, your child, abeautiful sunset, but it lives within you. As a result, your experience of love dependson you. Each partner is responsible for his or her own happiness, pleasure andsatisfaction. When there is an interruption in the flow of loving connection then, itcan be found again within you once you have released whatever fear, judgment,trauma or limiting belief might be interfering.

Couples who are willing to embrace the Evolved view have so much added powerfor transforming their relationships for the good because it brings home thetransformative power to each member of the couple.


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CHAPTER 8: TWO TYPES OF THERAPY

So there are two types of treatment for the two views of relationship, the Traditional

and the Evolved.Traditional treatment tends to involve a great deal of discussion of resentments,

disappointments and problems, expression of negative emotions and there is a strongfocus on compromise. This is the sort of therapy Pam and I received as newly mintedtherapists. Because even at that time we were struggling toward an Evolvedperspective, the Traditional approach didnt workfor us.

In the Evolved approach treatment always begins with a strong, positive mutual


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intention (e.g. We want to share our lives joyfully with each other). And then eachmember of the couple owns whatever comes up to block them from realizing thatintention in every moment.

If you think it, its yours.

If you feel it, its yours.This is practically the opposite of the Traditional response. What makes theEvolved treatment possible are new techniques for shifting and releasing trauma,limiting beliefs and negative feelings. There are many of these new techniques that arefinding support now in the world of psychotherapy, but few people have startedapplying them to healing relationships. This is one of the major ways that we havecontributed to the field of couples coaching.

When we are working with a couple, we always teach them several ways of healingtheir own negative feelings, thoughts and judgment. Releasing Through LoveandAsk andReceiveare two powerful techniques that we have developed to specifically target these

issues and release them. Once released, it is amazing to see how relationships can berapidly and powerfully transformed!

To learn more about these techniques, please come to www.AskandReceive.org.With our friend and co-developer, Sandi Radomski, we have created powerful toolsfor shifting not just emotional issues but almost any kind of chronic problem.
http://www.askandreceive.org/http://www.askandreceive.org/http://www.askandreceive.org/


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CHAPTER 9: INTEGRATING STAGES INTO TREATMENT

Since this presentation was developed to train Couples Therapists, this slide

demonstrates the importance of directing treatment at each stage of relationship.While we discuss the stages as discrete levels, the truth is that most of us have parts ofall three forms in our current relationship.

As a result, especially in the beginning of a coaching relationship it can be useful tomake sure that issues of safety, power and role dynamics are looked at and goals andstructure are built in where needed in order to help people get on with the job ofevolving their relationship to the highest level they may desire.


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We do not mean to suggest that higher levels of relationship are better thanlower ones. The designation of higher and lower was made by Deida to mark the levelof complexity within each. There are happily married people at each level ofrelationship, so we dont want to imply that everyone should strive for a level 3relationship. If it aint broke dont fix it, or first do no harm are good precepts forany kind of coaching. It is not a matter of moving people along to level 3 relationshipsno matter what. What is important is to help couples derive happiness from therelationship they have. Of course, having said that, many couples do choose toprogress to higher level relationships once they discover that such things are possible.


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CHAPTER 10: TREATMENT IS DYNAMIC

As we work with a couple we find that they move between all three stages. Forexample their household management may be at level 1 with very distinct roles and

expectations about what is the mans responsibility and what the womans, while theirwork lives are at level 2 in which they each have their own money and are responsiblefor different parts of the budget. And perhaps their relationship with their sexuality isat level 3 in which they take responsibility for their own feelings, needs andsatisfaction, and they work at not projecting judgment or blame.

This sort of relationship is common and often there is a good deal of shifting as the


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couple discovers what is best for them at this time.


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CHAPTER 11: NEGOTIATING TRANSITIONS

Often coaching starts with one member trying to negotiate a transition from a lowerstage. Very often this will be driven by the female partner (though not always) whohas become dissatisfied at the current level and wants more. This often provokesanger and confusion in the other partner who is still unaware that more is possible.

That partner might say I am the same man you married., I do the same things Ialways did, or Why cant you go back to the way you used to be?

When one member of the couple is ready to move up to the next level, it can be


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very hard for the one who feels left behind. The result is that that member will oftenregress as an attempt to regain some control, coming up with rules, agreements or insome cases becoming explosive, violent or withdraw.

In these situations, both members are acting out of love and a desire to strengthenthe relationship, but because they are focused on a different stage, their efforts aremisperceived.


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CHAPTER 12: WHAT STOPS US FROM LOVING?

There is a secret revolution going on now in psychotherapy in which those therapistswho are in the trenches working with people day in and day out are starting to usesome amazing new techniques for treating trauma. The revolution is a secret becauseinsurance companies and licensing boards are very strict in what they will consider forreimbursement. If a technique or treatment doesnt contain the word Behavioral it

wont be paid for.Even though many of these new treatments such as Eye Movement

Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) or Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)have been around for years and have significant positive research behind them, theyare still not considered evidence based by many insurance companies. This


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movement toward trauma treatment is therefore done under the radar of theinsurance companies and is part of the reason so many honest therapists have left thefield and redefined themselves as coaches.

These techniques are the missing link when helping people who are at a higher levelof functioning. What is the point of recognizing that you are responsible for your ownfeelings and thoughts if you cant do anything to change them. This is where thesenew trauma treatments are proving so useful. With these simple techniques, manypeople find that feelings, thoughts and judgments that have plagued them for yearscan be released in moments.

What we are discovering is that all of us have trauma in our lives and that traumashapes our perceptions, thoughts and feelings. It is as though when a person isexposed to a trauma it locks a negative thought and feeling into a persons psyche andthen locks it away so the person can deal with the traumatic situation. In locking thethought and feeling away though it turns it into a filter that then influences how a

person thinks and perceives from then on and the embedded feelings can be triggeredlater in their lives by unexpected stimuli.Tom and Pam have studied many of these techniques and train therapists both

naturally and internationally in Releasing Through LoveandAsk and Receive.We feel thatthese two techniques are particularly good at helping people to release the judgments,limiting beliefs and feelings of unforgiveness that really block our loving natures.
http://www.askandreceive.org/http://www.askandreceive.org/http://www.askandreceive.org/http://www.askandreceive.org/


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CHAPTER 13: RELATIONSHIP DRIVERS

Much of the time when we first meet with a couple their relationship is challenged.The members of the couple have become polarized and there is a good deal ofarguing, with each member insisting on the correctness of their view. There is a greatdeal of blaming and everyone is very focused on what is going wrong. Thisperspective does not lend itself to positive change. Since what you focus on getsstronger, this perspective only builds more polarization.

When we begin coaching with a couple we quickly want to shift to a more


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successful perspective. In the successful perspective, there is a mutual intention ofsupport, joy and love in the relationship. The focus is on developing appreciation,gratitude and what is going well.

Most couples can manage this change in perspective at least briefly, and notice abig shift in how their bodies feel and even a shift in their thinking. Once someone canaccess this perspective the challenge is to find and release thoughts, feelings, trauma,judgment and unforgiveness that act as triggers to pull the person out of this state.

Much of our focus is on helping each member to hold on to this positiveperspective so that it can feed back on itself and develop.


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CHAPTER 14: ATTACHMENT DISTURBANCE

Looking more deeply into the real drivers of relationship problems we find that most

of them did not begin in the current relationship. The seeds of our relationshipproblems existed long before.

A well accepted principle of couples treatment derives from Attachment Therapyand looks at distortion in the attachment between parent and child. Incomplete orproblematic attachment can lead to problems with intimacy and trust that can distortany relationship to some degree. The problem is that all of us have some attachmentdisturbance. We cannot escape childhood without some, even if we had the best


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parents in the world.The good news is that what causes attachment problems are the same things that

block feelings of love: trauma, limiting beliefs, judgment and negative feelings. Thenew techniques for resolving trauma can be used as successfully for these earlyattachment wounds as for more recent issues if you are working with a coach who is

well versed in their use.


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CHAPTER 15: ATTENTION IS IMPORTANT

Childhood attachment issues are not all the same. Parents often say that they treated

all their children the same way but they turn out very different. Part of the reason forthis is that we each have a different nature, and the timing of the attachment woundcan result in very different learning. Also, as a child ages he or she is moving througha developmental process that can also change the meaning of a wound. For example,if a parent leaves a family, even just for a few days, it can be interpreted verydifferently depending on the developmental level of the child. A very young infantmight experience extreme abandonment and feel that the world is a dangerous and


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uncaring place, a young child might think that he did something to make the parentgo away and feel that there is something wrong with himself, or an older child mightbe angry that the parent went away.

Depending on the developmental level and other fairly random factors, theseattachment wounds act to distort our understanding of intimacy and our willingnessto be vulnerable. It is through relationship that we experience these hurt places inourselves which then allows us to heal them. All we have to do is understand thatthese thought/feelings are within us and that we can learn to use tools to releasethem. Once released, what we experience is much greater freedom and happiness inour intimate relationships. Those upsetting incidents that seemed to occur withfrustrating frequency before will dramatically reduce or even stop all together.


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CHAPTER 16: SWAY TEST

One simple experiment that we can do to help us find some of our attachment issues

is to learn to communicate with our bodies. Our bodies are always trying tocommunicate with us but we have never learned to listen. The feelings, thoughts andreactions within the body provide all the information we really need to begin to heal if

we can only start to listen and understand better.A simple exercise for tuning into the body is something our partner Sandi

Radomski, ND, LCSW, calls the Sway Test. All you need to do to try this out is tostand up with your feet together, your arms crossed in front of your chest, and your


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eyes closed. Then you make a statement such as Yes, and simply stand there andnotice the reaction of your body. Does your body sway forward? If so, it is answeringyes or I am congruent with that statement. Does it sway backward? If so, it isanswering no or I am not congruent with that statement. For almost everyoneyes is signaled by swaying forward and no is signaled by swayingbackward. Testthis out first with things you already know the answer to. Say my name is (say yourname) and notice if you sway forward. Then say my name is (say a different name) and notice if you sway backward.

For some people the reactions of their bodies are very dramatic and distinct, forothers it is very subtle and takes some time to really calibrate. This is really worth yourtime because coupled with a powerful technique such as Ask and Receiveor ReleasingThrough Love, it allows you to start repairing those early attachment issues.


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CHAPTER 17: CHECKING SELF CONCEPT/SELF ESTEEM

As a little test of concept, here is a list of self concept/self esteem statements that youcan now use along with the Sway Test to check for early attachment issues. When youdo the Sway Test notice if you sway forward or backward when you make thestatements. If you find yourself swaying backwards to a statement such as I likemyself, dont blame or argue with yourself. It doesnt mean that you hate yourself orthat you are psychologically disturbed. It means that the statement is not congruentfor you at this time and it presents an area for potential healing.

If you go through all of these statements and they are all positive, think about a


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situation that is not working out so well and do the statements again. Sometimes itcan be a bit complicated to find these unhealed aspects because they are hidden bydissociation.


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CHAPTER 18: CHECKING SOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS

Now if you wish, you can use the Sway Test to check for your congruence with a list

of statements regarding social relationships. As with the self esteem statements, youmight find that you get a different response depending upon what areas of your lifeyou are thinking about.

Many people who are sensitive to their inner process may notice that they donteven really need to do the Sway Test, that they get other forms of body focusedcommunication when they make the statement. They might feel a twinge in their heartor solar plexus area, or a voice in their head may say thats not true! or the


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statement may just not feel true when you say it. These are all interesting and usefulforms of communication.

If you notice that one or more statements do not appear true for you (at least incertain contexts), dont worry about it or try to argue yourself out of it. Neither ofthese reactions will change your result. Instead, you can use one of the new Power

Therapies to release the reaction. It is often quite surprising how releasing these issuescreates change in your life.


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CHAPTER 19: COMMITTED PARTNERSHIPS

Having come this far, her are 16 more statements having to do with committed

partnerships. You can check them out in the same way you did the earlier beliefstatements. Again, remember if you find one (or several) statements that are notcongruent for you, you can easily release them with one of the Power Therapies.

If you are interested in finding ways to release limiting beliefs, trauma or negativefeelings we recommend that you find a coach to help you though because it can behard to find and treat your own limiting beliefs. However if cost is an issue for you,

we have created quite a bit of training material that is available atAskandReceive.org.
http://www.askandreceive.org/http://www.askandreceive.org/http://www.askandreceive.org/http://www.askandreceive.org/


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For more ideas and special offers, look at our relationship packages below.

Apply for aFREE 30Minute

Discovery Session

Pam is offering COMPLEMENTARYTransfo rm Your Relat ionsh ip Discovery

Sessions(Value@over $100).

There are 3 different Discovery Sessions you canchoose from:

1) Transform your Relationship Discovery Session2) Transform you Relationship with YourselfDiscovery Sessionor

3) Bringing in a Beloved Partner DiscoverySession

In these Discovery Sessions, Pam will walk you through:

Discovering what is unconsciously sabotaging you fromhaving the relationship of your hearts desire.

Getting clarity about what you want in a relationship.

One simple steep you can take immediately to get intoaction.

(For more information just click one of the 3 sessions above)
http://lovingyourrelationships.com/transform-your-relationship-discovery-session-offer/http://lovingyourrelationships.com/relationship-with-self/http://lovingyourrelationships.com/relationship-with-self/http://lovingyourrelationships.com/bringing-in-a-beloved-mate/http://lovingyourrelationships.com/bringing-in-a-beloved-mate/http://lovingyourrelationships.com/bringing-in-a-beloved-mate/http://lovingyourrelationships.com/bringing-in-a-beloved-mate/http://lovingyourrelationships.com/relationship-with-self/http://lovingyourrelationships.com/relationship-with-self/http://lovingyourrelationships.com/transform-your-relationship-discovery-session-offer/


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LOVING YOUR

RELATIONSHIPS.COM

19 N. Sierra Vista Dr.Tucson, AZ 85719

Phone Pam at: (609) 432-0174

Lovingyourrelationship.com

For more information and more free stuff:

Visit us on the Web at:LovingYourRelationships.com
http://www.lovingyourrelationships.com/http://www.lovingyourrelationships.com/http://www.lovingyourrelationships.com/

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