Marriage AdjustmentsJournal:To keep the fire burning brightly, keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm, and far enough apart for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage.

- Marnie Reed Crowell

Objectives / Standards:

• The student will be able to:• Identify common marital adjustments and how to

resolve them.• Identify the difficulties in the first two years (myths

versus reality).• Discuss the impact of parental approval or lack or

approval of the marriage (in-laws).• Discuss adjusts in marriage (dual income,

personal needs and expectations, sexual adjustments).

Questions:1. What is your biggest fear about getting

married?2. What do you look forward to the most about

marriage?3. What do you think are the most important

things to look for in mate?4. If you could ask any question about marriage

and adjusting to marriage and no one would know it was you, what would you ask?

5. How do you think you will handle conflict in your marriage?

Marriage – Many-Splendored, Sometimes Splintered, ThingsDr. Daniel Wayne Matthewshttp://www.utahmarriage.org/index.cfm?id=MORE07

A number of stumbling blocks inevitably arise to challenge the couple's best intentions.

For example, young couples often fail to see things realistically. Caught up in the romance and in the excitement of wedding plans, many couples are unable to envision what their relationship will be like on a routine, day-to-day basis. For those anticipating a Cinderella-like happily-ever-after storybook marriage year after year, disappointment is likely to come sooner or later. Conflict, crises, and daily hassles are part of virtually every marriage relationship.

Discussing important issues like money, children, role expectations, sex, and in-laws before marriage will help set the stage for a smoother relationship. The single most accurate word to describe what happens in a new marriage is "change." Anything which can be done to help prepare for the inevitable changes of marriage is a good investment in the relationship.

Adapting to Change• Change always produce stress!• A lot of change is required while getting married.• Judith Wallerstein, in her book entitled The Good

Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts, says:“ that the common thread characterizing good

marriages is flexibility. Couples who have the ability to adapt to unexpected change plus a "marvelous facility for looking down the road" and anticipating the potholes and detours of life are more likely to have a strong and lasting relationship.”

Marriage – Many-Splendored, Sometimes Splintered, ThingsDr. Daniel Wayne Matthewshttp://www.utahmarriage.org/index.cfm?id=MORE07

Some of the more obvious changes and differences

which most couples will have to face include:

• Change in lifestyle. • Change in location. • Change of friends • Differences in the way

you do things. • Differences of opinion. • Change in attitude.

• Changes in personality.

• Change in appearance.

• Different expectations. • Having children.

Realistic Expectations

• Many, if not most, expectations for marriage are based on idealized myths. If realities within a relationship do not match the myth, one or both partners may think they have made a terrible mistake. A few of the myths about marriage are:

Myth of Marriage:1. Marriage benefits men much more than women.2. Having children typically brings a married couple closer together and

increases marital happiness.3. The keys to long-term marital success are good luck and romantic

love.4. The more educated a woman becomes, the lower are her chances of

getting married.5. Couples who live together before marriage, and are thus able to test

how well suited they are for each other, have more satisfying and longer-lasting marriages than couples who do not.

6. People can’t be expected to stay in a marriage for a lifetime as they did in the past because we live so much longer today.

7. Marrying puts a woman at greater risk of domestic violence than if she remains single.

8. Married people have less satisfying sex lives, and less sex, than single people.

9. Cohabitation is just like marriage, but without "the piece of paper." 10. Because of the high divorce rate, which weeds out the unhappy

marriages, people who stay married have happier marriages than people did in the past when everyone stuck it out, no matter how bad the marriage.

Myths: Reality:A good marriage will always be romantic.

Just because the feelings of love are not always present doesn't necessarily mean a lack of love; love is more of a choice than a feeling.

Marriage will make me happy.

A marriage partner does not have the power or ability to make another person happy. A person's sense of happiness must come from deep inside himself.

If we really love each other, everything else will fall into place.

Constant sensitivity to one another's needs and continual adaptation to relational changes are necessary to keep love alive.

Myths: Reality:

My partner should intuitively know my needs.

a spouse's does not have the ability to read her/his partner's mind. Needs often must be verbalized in clear language, sometimes repeatedly.

Conflict means a lack of love.

Conflict is inevitable, but it doesn't have to be damaging to the marriage relationship, but handle appropriately can strengthen love.

Marriage benefits men much more than women.

Contrary to earlier findings, men and women benefit about equally from marriage.

Make a list of adjustment a Married Couple may experience during the first and second years of marriage.

Steps in resolving marital adjustments.• 1. Look at this period as a transition all

couples go through, not as a sign of a bad marriage.

• 2. Concentrate on adapting yourself rather than trying to change the other person.

• 3. Share your feelings about the adjustment with your spouse.

• 4. Strengthen the marital commitment. • 5. Pour on positives.

Work through the Marital Adjustment Scenarios Case Studies

“Caring Days” for couples

• http://www.utahmarriage.org/index.cfm?id=STRENGTH16

• Take specific steps to nurture love in marriage

• By Steve Duncan Brigham Young University

• Can parental approval or lack of approval of the marriage have any impact on a marriage?

How?

Give examples.

Why?

Give examples.

When, Where?

Give examples.

Helpful hints for a positive relationship with your new family might include:

• Respect your in-laws as family members of the spouse you love.

• Don't compare your spouse's family with your own. • Don't run to your own parents for support when you have

conflict with your spouse. • Don't direct anger you may feel for your spouse toward

his or her family. • Establish a family atmosphere that avoids a contest

between your two families for your time, attention and affection.

• Treat both families equally and fairly. • As a couple, try to establish as much independence from

both families as possible. For example, it may create conflict to borrow money from in-laws.

Performance Assignment: Develop a list of ways personally build and strengthen a marriage.

WAYS TO STRENGTHEN A MARRIAGE

Develop a list of at least 20 ways to personally build and strengthen a marriage. This may take a little bit of reading and research on your part. Websites that may be helpful are:

www.marriagebuilder.com

www.utahmarriage.org

Hand out worksheet

How did “Traditional” get to be a tradition?

• Before the industrial revolution in the early part of this century, men and women worked side by side. It was not until work was moved to the factories that women’s work place became the home and labor was rigidly divided by sex.

• But currently, the number of women in the work force have dramatically increased with more than half of all married women and mother working outside the home.

• The biggest increase in women in the work force are women with preschooler and infants.

What would you say are the main reasons for women being in the workplace?1. Economics Factors

– Most women use their income on necessary goods and services for their families.

– Almost 20% of families are headed and supported by single-parent mothers.

– For many families where the husband is the major wage earner, the wife’s earning often raise a family above the poverty level.

– The economic reasons for women being employed remain throughout the life cycle.

• Young couples stage: to save for car or home.• Young children stage: make car & home

payments.• Older children stage: to support children in college.• Children fully launched: to save for retirement.

2. Changing Gender Roles– Although men have traditionally found their

identity through work outside the home while women found their identity through work inside the home.

– Women are moving into the occupational world as an important avenue for personal fulfillment.

3. Family Life Cycle Changes– In early years childbirth was difficult and the

large number of children born meant that most women never lived to see all their children fully grown.

– Women are living longer, having fewer children, and more time left over from raising children to work.

– 25 years is the average number of years remaining for employment outside the home.

Case Studies

1.

2.

3.

What are the main problems encountered by two-income families?1. Competing demands of career and family life.

– Have not had family roles models to help them know how to manage career and families together

– Less time spend with children.

2. Working women often suffer from high blood pressure, headaches, tension, and depression caused by stress.

Sharing Roles Successfully

1. Men have to accept the fact that they are needed to help with the housework.

2. Small children can help out with easy jobs.

3. Older children can help take responsibilities for house work, child care, and meal preparation.

4. Other conflicts may include:– Work hours may be opposite each other.– Transportation and arranging child care.– Jealously over partner higher paying or more

prestigious job.– Parent may feel “ownership: for specific roles.

Video clips

Work individually using the orange information sheet to answer “Two Careers and Children Equal Stress”.

Discussion:

• Sexual Adjustments

Summary:

• The key to a happy and healthy intimate relationship in marriage is open and honest communication that focuses on the good and assists the relationship to move forward into a move positive situation for both partners.

• Adjustments in the Early Marriage Yearsby Thomas R. Lee, PhD Department of Family and Human DevelopmentUtah State University http://www.utahmarriage.org/index.cfm?id=STRENGTH26

• Marriage – Many-Splendored, Sometimes Splintered, ThingsDr. Daniel Wayne Matthewshttp://www.utahmarriage.org/index.cfm?id=MORE07

• Marriage – A many-Splendored, Sometimes Splintered, ThingDr. Daniel Wayne Matthewshttp://www.utahmarriage.org/functions/function_frame01.cfm?link=http://

• The Top Ten Myths of MarriageDavid Popenoehttp://marriage.rutgers.edu/Publications/Print/Print%20Myths%20of%20Marriage.htm

• Take Specific Steps To Nurture Love In Marriage Dr. Stephen DuncanBrigham Young Universityhttp://www.utahmarriage.org/index.cfm?id=STRENGTH16