Marriages and Families:Changes, Choices, and Constraints

Seventh Edition

Nijole V. Benokraitis

Chapter Eight

Choosing Others: Dating and Mate Selection

How Often Do We Date?A majority of Americans age 18 and

older either are dating or would like to be. Dating has declined among people under age 18, but 24% of high school seniors say they date frequently. How we meet people and what we call dating has changed over the years.

Why Do We Date?Sociologists consider dating a marriage

market in which the participants look at the assets and liabilities in each partner and decide which is the best for what they have to offer.

Dating fulfills a number of specific functions that vary according to a person’s age, social class, and gender. Functions may be manifest or latent.

Manifest Functions of Dating

Maturation

Fun and recreation

Companionship

Love and affection

Mate selection

Latent Functions of DatingSocialization

Social status

Fulfillment of ego needs

Sexual experimentation and intimacy

Big business

The Dating SpectrumIn traditional dating, males and females follow

clear, culturally defined gender role scripts, at least among the middle class.

Bat mitzvah and bar mitzvah—rites of passage in the Jewish community.

“Going steady” and “getting pinned” were popular after WWII. A woman was pinned when her boyfriend gave her his fraternity pin.

“Going with” or “going together” means a couple is dating exclusively.

Contemporary DatingMuch casual and usually happens in groups.

Teenagers these days “hang out.”

“Getting together” is more intimate and structured than hanging out. The specifics are more spontaneous.

“Hooking up” is a little more serious and usually involves a physical encounter. It is a vague term and can mean anything from kissing to having sex.

Traditional and Contemporary Combinations

Proms and homecoming parties—still among the most popular dating events for young people.

Dating in later life—dating after divorce or after being widowed can be both therapeutic and intimidating.

Online dating has become more popular in recent years.

Personal ads—published in mainstream

magazines, on the Web, etc.

Mail-order brides—There are more than 200 international services that provide an international bride. There is still a lot of controversy over this type of business.

How Do We Meet People

How Do We Meet People?Professional matchmakers—make a

living by matching people up.

Speed dating—the idea is to meet as many people as you can in a very short time.

CyberdatingMillions of people turn to the Internet to

find the right person these days. There are pros and cons to trying to find a dating partner in this way.

Choosing Whom We Date: Choices and Constraints

In the U.S. we think we can marry whomever we want, and we can to an extent, but there are many forces at work in helping us make that decision.

We are affected by many things like our religion, family, and socioeconomic status.

Homogamy and Filter Theory

According to filter theory, we sift eligible people according to specific criteria and thus narrow the pool of potential partners to a small number of candidates.

Homogamy refers to dating or marrying someone with similar backgrounds to our own.

Homogamy and Filter TheoryThese are some of the things we use to “filter”

potential mates:– Propinquity—geographic closeness– Ethnicity and race—to some these are

still important factors in finding a partner– Religion—can also affect dating and

marriage relationships

Homogamy and Filter Theory

–Social class—we tend to stay with groups within our own social class–Physical appearance—no matter how we want to look at it, appearance does matter–Age—we generally marry someone close to our own age–Values and personality—we look for partners who are much like ourselves

Heterogamy: Expanding the Marriage Market

As U.S. society becomes more diverse and multicultural, marrying across traditional boundaries is bound to happen.

Some “"new kinds" of relationships include:– Same-sex relationships– Social class relationships– Interfaith relationships– Interracial and interethnic relationships

Theories of Mate SelectionSocial exchange theory—posits that

people will begin and remain in a relationship if the rewards are higher than the costs.

Equity theory—an intimate relationship is satisfying and stable if both partners see it as equitable and mutually beneficial.

A Global ViewMost traditional cultures do not have the open

courtship abilities that we have in this country. In some very traditional countries, children are betrothed to someone when they are very young and a marriage is seen as a contract between two families.

These traditional marriage arrangements are changing in some traditional cultures, especially the ones that have more educated young people.

Dating ViolenceJust as there can be abuse in married

relationships, there can be violence in dating relationships. The violence is usually born out of the struggle for power in the relationship, with mostly women losing.

Not only violence, but rape can happen just as easily in a dating relationship.

Consequences of Date Rape

The victims in many cases blame themselves. Others often blame the victim as well.

This makes it extremely difficult to tell to a judge and a jury what really happened.

Why We Break UpAccording to one poll, nearly half of

Americans adults have gotten the romantic heave-ho at least twice in their lifetime.

Reasons for breaking up include:Individual reasons—communication problems,

different interests, emotional and physical abuse

Structural reasons—moving away, economic hardships that trigger unemployment and fights about money