MEEKIE MONTHLY Issue 5 June 2007
FREE!
It’s as mad as a badger
GIVE IT SOME HEAD
FREE
OMEGA 66
TRACK WITH
THIS ISSUE!!
Read our exclusive
interview with a
Hollywood celebrity!
CELEBRITY S
PECIAL!
Editor’s welcome
Dear readers,
Well it’s good to be back. As you
know, last month I was in
hospital having penis reduction
surgery. It was awfully
embarrassing having to tuck it in
my socks all the time. (blush)
So it’s back to business– for
those of you in the UK, summer’s
here and for the lads and
ladettes of the Northern
Hemisphere, time to enjoy the sun. As for me–
well, my family and I are off to West Wales for a
few days– my surgically enhanced wife Brenda
is getting my rubber ring ready for my...erm…
visit to the pool. My young daughter Cindy has
been busy buffing up her ‘Brazilian’ (some kind
of nut I’m guessing) and young
Timmy has been buying some
top-shelf magazines to take with
him. Juggz Ahoy!
Have a great June.
Editor
Royston
MEEKIEMONTHLYMEEKIEMONTHLYMEEKIEMONTHLYMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 2Page 2Page 2Page 2
meekiemonthly
Contact details: [email protected]
Editor: Royston Butterscotch
Cover girl: Holly from Walsall
Find us at www.meekiemonthly.com and www.myspace.com/meekiemonthly
Meekie Monthly is a free subscription-based E-Magazine.
To subscribe, email [email protected]
A small portion of our profit goes to Cancer Research
www.meekiemonthly.com
Contents Issue 5 June 2007
In this month’s Meekie Monthly:
5. Interesting facts about horses
6. Celebrity Showdown
8. The BIG Interview– with a real life celebrity!
9. Letters page
13. The Lads’ Page– Tits and Beer. Wahay!
14. Agony Aunt– your problems solved
15. Rugby World Cup Preview– how to punch
someone in the face
16. Page 16
20. A Flowchart Thing that says
you’re lazy.
22. Fok knows
24. Have a look yourself
26. Siop Meekie Monthly
28. Horoscopes
30. Sport
MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 3 Page 3 Page 3 Page 3
I read Meekie M
onthly
every night before I watch
Cagney & Lacey I believe
that Meekie Monthly is
great quality, second to
none.
A Pope, Italy
Comment
Say NO to
the Severn
Barrage
Of all the fokkin sea in the world, you
want to build a barrage on my fokkin
doorstep to power the rest of the UK.
You know where you can stick it
WRITERS WANTED
We’re looking for writers to write for our
hallowed pages. You don’t need any experience–
just the cheek to think that you’d be good
enough. Go on back yourself– drop us a line at
For our new readers….
(both of them) …..
What is a
meekie?
Royston says:
“For some meekies,
having a headache can
be a real headache.
The pharmaceutical
industry can overcome
this by building bigger
tablets to take”
MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 4 Page 4 Page 4 Page 4
This is a real-life
photo of a meekie
Meekie Fact: Meekies can be found the whole
world over– even in places like Germany
Sigh! Do we really have to go through this every
month?
For those of you who do not yet know, a meekie is a person with
a very large head, usually through no fault of their own. There is
nothing wrong with these people. Meekie Monthly aims to
celebrate these amazing people and has been doing so since
1988.
This is a drawing of
a meekie by a well-
renowned artist
MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 5 Page 5 Page 5 Page 5
101 things you n
ever
knew abou
t horses
1. Horses were invented in 204 AD
by a Roman soldier called Terry. H
e was fed up of
pulling his own chariot, and invente
d the horse to help him pull his rag
and bone cart
around.
2. Throughout history, horses have
featured prominently in wars. They w
ere used heavily in the Second Wo
rld War when they
were dropped from a height of 3000f
t onto army positions. Horses have a
lso started many wars, including that
one that they made
a film about.
3. Horses have very small brains wh
ich explains why they never say any
thing interesting.
4. Stallions are the male horses and
they have very large love glands. T
his comparison is often made betwe
en horses and Italian
men, who also have large love glan
ds.
5. Some horses are used for racing
. People in the UK get very excited b
y the biggest race of them all, the G
rand National, which
is held once a year. Lots of people e
njoy seeing the age old tradition of h
orses falling onto their jockey and th
e jockey getting up
and shooting the horse as a reprim
and. The punishment is 100% effec
tive and the horses never do it again
.
6. Most horses are born with 4 legs
although the Short Highland Breed
are renowned for having just the on
e leg that they hop
around on.
7. Horseshoes are traditionally worn
by horses.
8. The most famous horse in the wo
rld is Zippo the Wonderhorse. He c
ould fly, turn in an outstanding ventr
iloquist performance ,
and even ride a bicycle. He died in
1986 in mysterious circumstances.
His body has never been found. Le
gend has it that he rode
his BMX off a cliff at Nash Point in S
outh Wales. Some say that he was d
epressed after he had bad reviews
in the local paper for
his ventriloquist act that went wrong
.
9. Horses are quite tall and some ar
e quite short. This reflects the great
variation between some horses and
other horses.
10. You can actually paint a horse.
11. If ever wanted to.
V
Looks: B
arker’s sturdier fram
e made him a lot m
ore cuddly
than his little chum.
8/10
Comic Ta
lent: Often conside
red the funny man o
f the duo,
Barker’s undoubted
comic talent is lege
ndary
10/10
Hair: Bar
ker retained a full h
ead of hair for his e
ntire life.
Impressive
9/10
Height: R
onnie B wasn’t that
tall but compared to
Ronnie C,
Barker looked very m
uch a tall man
9/10
Total: 36/40
It’s a draw! Hoorah!
Looks: Ronnie C’s diminutive size belied the fact that he was a rampant sex god 9/10 Comic Talent: Corbett’s legendary monologues on the couch remain to this day, timeless 9/10 Hair: Corbett still sports exactly the same hair that he had in the 1970s. Splendid 10/10 Height: Legend has it that Ronnie B met Ronnie C at a wedding– Ronnie C was stood on the cake. However, Corbett’s height only adds to his appeal 8/10
Total: 36/40
MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 6 Page 6 Page 6 Page 6
Barker Corbett
Celebrity Showdown
MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 7 Page 7 Page 7 Page 7
The Great
Meekie
Monthly
Giveaway!
As you may well have noticed, you’ve received a
lovely MP3 of Cardiff superband, Omega 66,
courtesy of your favourite E-mag, Meekie Monthly.
Omega 66 reformed in June 2006, keeping two of the
original members of Dark Chunk, who famously
played at the Glastonbury Dance Tent in 2004.
Your track has been exclusively mixed by renowned DJ, Angel Farringdon, and you
can get the whole of Omega’s brand new album by visiting them at
www.omega66.com or www.myspace.com/omega66.
Omega’s guitarist Krik has also been exclusively interviewed on page 17! “are currently awaiting reviews of their debut album and recent live shows.
Don’t miss them on Radio One’s Annie Nightingale Show on 4th June.
If you have a band you’d like to promote through the beautiful pages of Meekie
Monthly, please drop Royston a line at [email protected]
What day is your bin day? Thursday
Have you ever seen the film Groundhog Day? Multiple times, yes, multiple times
If you get in a taxi on your own, do you get into the front or the back? Back seat "Driving Miss Elaine" style
What did you have for tea last night? Astro Burger and fries to celebrate Memorial Day. Yeah baby!
Have you ever seen the film Groundhog Day? Multiple times, yes, multiple times What’s your favourite yellow crescent-shaped fruit? Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 8 Page 8 Page 8 Page 8
The BIG Interview This month, we’ve spoken to the beautiful Hollywood actress, famous for appearing in CSI, ER, Friends, Charmed, Joan of Arcadia and loads of other films including The Parent Trap and Inspector Gadget II. Elaine is a talented writer and musician in her own right, and tells us that she’s been to London and seen Big Ben and also seen the film My Fair Lady. We think she’s a bit crazy, but we love crazy women! Find Elaine at www.elainehendrix.com
Meekie Monthly Exclusive!
In response to many reader enquiries– yes, these interviews are real!
Egg-sploding Ethel
My mother-in-law Ethel c
ame round last
week for tea and I cooked her one of my
speciality omelettes. Afterwards, I realised
that the eggs were out of date and my
fears were confirmed a few hours later
when she detonated an huge salmonella
salvo in the pan of my newly refurbished
bathroom.
Now, every time I visit a toilet and see a
similar straw-coloured splatter, I think of
my mother-in-law. Do any of your readers
have any similar visual cues that remind
them of someone?
Colin Cupcake
Colchester
Dear Meekie Monthly........
Your favourite letters page....cos we s
ay so
Train Trauma
I am a train conductor and I’m sick of mothers getting on to my trains, with six or seven kids and with prams wider than a pickup truck. It’s my job to help these lazy women get their troop of clones on and off my train. I even had one woman tell me to learn some manners after I told here where she could stick her pram. Perhaps these women should learn to keep their legs closed instead? Andy Merthyr Tydfil
MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 9 Page 9 Page 9 Page 9
Meekie Monthly Wales UK World
TV Made My Son a Superhero Who says television doesn’t influence young children? My 8 year old son got bitten by a spider last week and now runs around Maesteg in a red suit saving people from burning buildings (which is quite common in Maesteg). Who says television turns children in monsters? My son is a hero! Les Gardner Maesteg I’ve enclosed a pic of him in his last heroic adventure
Pointless Penguins
Last night, my wife a
nd I sat down to watch the BBC’s Planet E
arth programme.
We watched the one with all the penguins
on. They keep warm by standing in a
huddle, taking it in turns to go on the outs
ide of the huddle so that they all get a
turn in the warm middle.
If they’ve got the sense to do that, then w
hy haven’t they got the sense to move
somewhere warmer? Talk about bloody-m
indedness. And they’ve got the cheek to
call themselves birds! Any sensible bird w
ould get out of that dump pretty sharpsih!
David Kagool
Saltash, Cornwall
Hi. My name’s Dan and
I’m your new
Spiderman. As you can
see, I’m in a bit of a
pickle right now. But
with a bit of Spidey-
magic I’ll be out in no
time– ready to fight
crime wherever it
happens….
MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 10 Page 10 Page 10 Page 10
Yes, here’s your chance to win your very own island!
It’s got everything that you’ve ever wanted– beaches, some grass and even a regular boat service to the mainland. All you have to do to win this splendid prize, is answer this very easy Isle of Wight question:
What is Cilla Black’s real name?
Send your answers on a postcard (or in an email) to [email protected] All entries must reach us by June 30th.
Stop press! Due to an oversight by one of my family members, I do not in fact, own the Isle of Wight and am therefore unable to offer it as a prize in this competition. I am very sorry for all distress caused and I will do my best to find a suitable alternative. Isle of Man any good anyone?
Meekie Monthly
Competition Time!
Back Issues
The Isle of Wight
We’ve got lots of back issues of Meekie Monthly
left. We’ve been doing Meekie Monthly since
1988, but we only launched the electronic
version back in March
2007. We think you’ll
find that we’re getting
bigger and
better every month.
If you’ve missed out on
the earlier issues, fear
not– you can order them, free of charge, from
us. I think we’re a bit
too good to you, but
then we think that in
this day and age, you
deserve something for
free.
All you need to do is
email us at
[email protected], requesting which
issue you want. We’ve got them all from March
onwards. Think– they might be worth something
in a few years’ time. Probably not though.
Get noticed
MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 11 Page 11 Page 11 Page 11
Even in small business, image is everything Press releases · web page content · sales letters · newsletters · advertisements · advertorials · brochures · feature writing
www.beacon-media.co.uk
MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 12 Page 12 Page 12 Page 12
Advertisement
Ginger
Person
of the
Month
I read Meekie Monthly
before every fight. It
gives me an edge over
my opponents.
Vladamir Nokabolokov
Every month, Meekie Monthly celebrates those wonderful ginger people by interviewing them
Name: Rachelle
Location: Ely, Cardiff
Why I love being ginger: It's eye catching and certainly not boring. Out of a group, the redhead is the first one you spot! Also we're least likely to go grey! Having red hair feels special cos it's quite a rarity, and takes up something like 2% of the population, how cool is that?
MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 13 Page 13 Page 13 Page 13
We interview a footballer !!
MM: What’s it like playing football?
Darren: It’s quite nice
MM: How far can you kick a football?
Darren: Quite far
MM: What’s it like falling over?
Darren: It really hurts
MM: Does it hurt when a football hits full
in the face then?
Darren: It depends
MM: On what?
Darren: Whose face it hits
The Lads’ Page Balls * Bad Ass Cars * BO * Boobs
Top Fuel Dragster
Top Speed: 330+ mph
Fuel: Nitromethane
0-100mph: Under 1 second
1/4 mile: 4.5 seconds
Bad Ass Fiesta
Top Speed: 42 mph
Fuel: 4* Unleaded
0-100mph: It doesn’t but it’s
got a fokkin massive exhaust
on it
Start collecting your
trump cards. We’ve
given you the first
two for free! Collect
yours every month!
Meekie Monthly reader of the month– Madd Carter from Australia
MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 14Page 14Page 14Page 14
I can’t get laid What is the best way to ensure that I get laid on my first date? I've spent so much money wining and dining women and I never get to the 69ing. It's become so bad that I've started turning up for the first date, saying "Hi" and then leaving again as nothing ever happens on the first date. Please help Trevor Lincoln Before you reach for the Roofies, Trevor, you might want to consider this statistic. Only 0.001% of people named Trevor have ever had sex. And those that did were doing farmyard animals. So go on down to your town hall and get your name changed by deed poll. (Tip: Kevins, Leslies and Kenneths are even less likely to get laid). Oh, Trevor? And this is just a thought, mind, you might want to stop thinking about dating as a capitalist transaction where the woman is just a provider of a service. That might be where you’re going wrong. I’m not sure women are very inclined to engage in orally-based sexual acts with men who think that saying “Come on love, I just spent fifty quid on that meal” while pushing her head towards his crotch is foreplay. Second thought, forget my advice about the name. Mas-turbating is probably the better option for you m’duck.
The Impotence of being Ernest Dear Briony My husband Ernest recently come home from the doctors and told me that he was
impotent. The fact of the matter is, he's not impotent- he's just a road digger. Now
take our next door neighbour Colin– he’s very impotent- he's on the local Council
and sings solo in the local church choir. How can I break the news to my husband
that he's not as impotent as he thinks he is? Sally Bath I know for a fact Colin is not only impotent, but he’s important too. Importance is when a
man can’t, you know, ahem, do the special thing that men do to women (and in some
cases other men). Importance is a real problem for men of a certain age. Once they get
to 50 or so, and you see them driving their little penis shaped cars down the local
Morrison’s, swollen with their own impotence, you just know there’s no other “swelling”
taking place. Anyway, about your husband. What’s to say he isn’t impotent, with a smart
cookie like you for a wife?
My daughter is an embarrassment Dear Briony My daughter has the most hugest head that the world has ever seen. Every time we go to Kwik Save, children stop and stare. Last Christmas, the Council even decorated it and made her stand outside the Town Hall for 7 weeks. However, she's now become depressed. She's become a recluse and all she does all day is sob on her (huge) pillow. What can I do? Sarah Newcastle
I’ve got good news for you Sarah. Soon, you won’t have to shop at quick save any more. You’ll be able to ascend to the highest rung of the grocery ladder, Waitrose. Actually do they even have Waitrose in Newcastle? Probably not. You’re probably at the pinnacle of shopping excellence already, aren’t you? Scrap that. My point was that you are sitting on a goldmine. Guinness will probably pay you a million pounds a day to feature your daughter’s head within it’s esteemed pages. You could get hats made especially for her. What more does she want? You need to teach her about life: you play the hand (or head) you’re dealt
Dear Briony…..
Your embarrassing problems published to the world
MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 15 Page 15 Page 15 Page 15
Rugby World Cup Preview
In a new series,
Meekie Monthly
counts down to
the Rugby World
Cup this
September by
looking at the
various tactics
used by the
world’s teams.
This month we
look at the art of
punching your
opponent
Step One: Pick an opponent Preferably someone smaller than you and on his own. The last thing you want is his bigger mate wading in.
Step Two: Start an argument This can be for any reason whatsoever. This chap on the left has singled out his target and is going over to punch the little fellow firmly on the nose.
You startin’…?
Have a bunch
of fives you
little rotter you Step Three: Deliver your blow
Strike your opponent firmly on the hooter.
Step Four: Make your escape Leave the scene of the crime immediately. Ensure that your escape route is not blocked by an larger opposing player, referee or policeman.
Striking your opponent full in the face is illegal in most rugby games
these days. However, it does still make for exciting viewing and always
goes down a treat with the lads down the pub. Have fun!
Mfmfmfmsdsjhfdfdfd!
MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 16 Page 16 Page 16 Page 16
ORRITE?
Issue 1 June 2007
EXCLUSIVE!
RIKKI
GALLUP
SITS ON
HER
SETTEE
AND
WATCHES
HOLBY
CITY
For celebrity Rikki Gallup, settling down to watch an episode of ‘Holbs’ is a life-changing experience. “I always have a cup of tea and some Hob Nobs. “I like the drama in Holby City. There’s always someone falling over and hurting themselves and it’s amazing how these actors, who you often see in other programmes, manage to save people’s lives. Take Nigel from Eastenders for instance. He’s done ever so well to become a consultant. He was always thick as shit in Eas-tenders”. But life isn’t all about Holby City for Rikki.
Holby Heaven Celebrity Rikki Gallup puts her
feet up and relaxes with an exciting episode of the BBC’s
flagship medical drama.
“Sometimes I’ll pop to the shops in the day. Most of them are open 9-6 and it’s nice to have them open all day. It gives the shopper nine hours to select their sundry goods”. Rikki’s favourite shop is Gregg’s, the bakers. “They do a lovely choco-late flake cake there. They even put a small section of a Flake bar on the top and it’s nice with another cup of tea”. Rikki hopes to become even more famous this year. “I hope to become even more famous this year” she says.
Above; Rikki relaxes and watches her favourite medical drama Below: Rikki poses outside her small detached house just outside Gatwick Airport
MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 17 Page 17 Page 17 Page 17
EXCLUSIVE!
Omega 66’s
Krik is
famous for
strumming
in public.
And also
for driving
quite fast
ORRITE?
Issue 1 June 2007
“If it wasn’t for my tortoise I wouldn’t be here today”
Krik opens his heart to
Meekie Monthly about his music, his sniffing and his coming to terms with his
SP30
Above: Krik singing Below: A recent picture (picture courtesy of South Wales Speed Enforcement (Speed camera) Department)
As Welsh celebrities go, Krik (he only has the one name in honour of his childhood super-hero Superted), is one of the most famous. In some countries, he is even more famous than that bloke out of Def Leppard. You know- the one with one arm. I think he might have died. Him anyway. But there’s more to Krik than just plucking the strings of love: “I sometimes like going to Kwik Save and sniff things. I can spend hours in the fabric conditioner aisle. I just love smelling things– herbs, spices, fabric conditioners, washing powders, marker pens– anything that reminds me of my childhood basically”. Krik’s certainly come a long way since those days and now lives in a 14 bedroom flat in the trendy area of Cardiff known as Grangetown, with his 17 dogs and a tortoise called Sid. But living in the fast lane has taken its toll on the South Wales rocker. “I got caught driving my Fiat Uno through town at 140mph. I was only trying to clear my carburettor. I was flashed by a camera. A copper then pulled me over and told me that he’d been waiting for me, so I told him that I got there as fast as I could”. Krik was fined £60 and had three points put on his licence. “Coming through driving rehab was hell but I got there in the end thanks to my dogs and tortoise”
MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 18 Page 18 Page 18 Page 18
Advertise here for
as little as
£20 per month.
Meekie Monthly is a fast growing E-Magazine
with its roots in South Wales but with a global
readership base. You can be part of this
growing phenomenon by advertis-
ing on our hallowed pages. Just £20
will buy you a full page advert in
glorious technicolour, street cred
and exposure to new clients.
Email [email protected]
You?
MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 18 Page 18 Page 18 Page 18
Josie: Right th
en, let’s see. 08701911966
Machine: Than
k-you for calling Traveldodge, f
or reservation queries, please p
ress One
Josie: One
Machine: For d
irections, please press Two
Josie: One, on
e
Machine: For a
ll other calls, please hold and
you’ll be transferred to the lod
ge reception
Josie: Oh for g
ods’ sake! Ok, try again. 0870
1911966
Machine: Than
k-you for calling Traveldodge…
Josie: One, da
mn you.
Machine: I’m L
isa. I’m the voice of Traveldod
ge. By speaking to me, you’ll g
ain access to
our best rates normally availab
le via our website.
Josie: Lisa? G
ood god, they’re giving them n
ames now.
Alys: What?
Machine: Do y
ou know the name of the Trave
ldodge where you want to stay
?
Josie: It’s Lisa
, the machine is called Lisa.
Lisa: I’m sorry
, I didn’t catch that. Do you kno
w the name of the Traveldodg
e where you
want to stay?
Josie: Wemble
y
Alys: What? L
isa who?
Lisa: I’m sorry,
I didn’t catch that. Do you kn
ow the name of the Traveldod
ge where you
want to stay?
Lisa: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. Do you know the name of the Traveldodge where you want to stay? Josie: WEMBLEY Alys: Lisa Wembly? Lisa: So you’d like to stay in Traveldodge Wembley Hotel. Is that right? Josie: Yes. Lisa: When will you be arriving? Josie: Tuesday the eighteenth of April. Lisa: Staying for how many nights? Josie: Three. Lisa: Ok. You’d like to arrive on Tuesday the eighteenth of April and stay for three nights. Is that right? Josie: Yes. Lisa: Great. Now tell me how many adults will be staying. Josie: Two. Lisa: And how many children aged fifteen and under will be staying? Josie: One. Lisa: And would you prefer smoking or non-smoking? Josie: Non-smoking.
Conversation with a
Machine
By Josie Henley
Lisa: Great! So you
want to book a non-s
moking room at
Traveldodge Wembl
ey Hotel, for two adu
lts and one child,
arriving on Tuesday
the eighteenth of Ap
ril to stay for three
nights. Is that right?
Josie: Ye
s.
Lisa: Grea
t, just a moment while
I check availability…
Josie: Sh
e’s checking availab
ility.
Alys: Ok.
Lisa: I’m s
orry, there is no avai
lability in Traveldodg
e Wem-
bley Hotel, but there
are spaces available
in Traveldodge
London Park Royal, w
hich is zero-point-eig
ht miles from
your first choice. The
re is parking on site
at an additional
charge. The total cos
t of this booking will
be one-hundred
and sixty five pounds
, would you like to bo
ok this?
Josie: Wh
at?
Alys: Wha
t?
Josie: Bu
t it said twenty-six po
unds a night on the w
ebsite!
Lisa: I’m s
orry, I didn’t catch tha
t. Would you like to b
ook
this room?
Josie: A h
undred and sixty five
pounds, which doesn
’t in-
clude car parking.
Lisa: I’m s
orry, I didn’t catch tha
t. Would you like to b
ook
this room?
Alys: But
it said twenty-six pou
nds a night!
Josie: Tha
t’s what I said.
Lisa: I’m s
orry, I didn’t catch tha
t. Would you like to b
ook
Lisa: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. I’m having technical difficulties. If you wish to
speak to a call representative, our lines are open between eight am and eight pm
any day of the week. Alternatively you could try our website. Goodbye. Josie: Oh for fok’s sake! Alys: What? Josie: She’s gone. Alys: Try again. Try for two nights. Josie: Ok. 08701911966 Machine: Thank-you for… Josie: One Machine: I’m Lisa. I’m the voice of Traveldodge. By speaking to me, you’ll gain
access to our best rates normally available via our website. Do you know the name of the Traveldodge where you want to stay? Josie: WEMBLEY Lisa: So you’d like to stay in Traveldodge Wembley Hotel. Is that right? Josie: Yes… Tuesday the eighteenth of April…Two… Yes… Two… One… Non-
smoking. Lisa: Great! So you want to book a non-smoking room at Traveldodge Wembley
Hotel, for two adults and one child, arriving on Tuesday the eighteenth of April to
stay for two nights. Is that right? Josie: Yes. Lisa: Great, just a moment while I check availability… Josie: She’s checking availability.
Continued next month……..
How lazy are you? Let Meekie Monthly decide whether you’re a lazy arse
Do you ever get
out of bed late? Would you stay
there all day?
You’re a liar.
You’re also a
lazy arse.
Are you over-
weight?
Would you
try and
work the
food off?
Would you order in
pizza, two kebabs
and a bottle of
coke?
yes
no
yes
yes
no
Would this be by
getting out of bed
to turn the TV
over?
yes
Is that pizza
going to work
itself off?
no
Would you use
a skateboard
to take you
across the
room? yes
Do you
maintain
regular bowel
movements? no
Only to get some
more pizza
You are in danger of
exploding. Please
consult a vet
Please go to
the next square
no matter how
you got here
START HERE
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 20MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 20MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 20MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 20
yes
no
yes
yes
no yes
no
no no
no yes
Lazy arse
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 21MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 21MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 21MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 21
All the scandal al
l the goss on the messed up stars
of
today!!!
King Kebab
So Kate Middleton
has split up with future king Prince Wil
liam. And he is getting snapped with a
ll sorts of slappers around town. I per
sonally find the
whole thing hysterical, and think it’s ab
out time the Royal Family move into th
e 21st century. Maybe he
wants a bit of ‘rough’ for a change, and
fan-
cies someone with a bit more ‘ buy one
get 2 free’ white star running through
their blood, and someone with a little
bit of kebab lettuce sticking out of
their teeth, fresh from chippie lane! You
cant blame him, must be terribly borin
g for him surrounded by all those posh
‘ladies’. I think he should come
down to Cardiff now that he’s newly sin
gle, and find a real bird! So Wills, if yo
u do decide to come down for a prope
r bird hunt, I’ll be dancing round
the lamppost , just north of life bar, in
a nurses outfit! Dog shit kebab in one h
and, bottle of Bud in the other. Join me
if you like, cigarette is optional!
Druggie Duo
Oh the joy! Get in queue for the single
already! Robbie Williams and 50 Cent
are in talks for recording a single toget
her! Apparently the singers
have a lot in common to talk about! U
nderstandably true, the list is endless!
I mean there’s their love of drugs they
share. 50 cent has openly talked
of his love for recreational drugs in the
past, having been arrested several tim
es. And then there’s Robbie; only last
week he got caught by 3 armed
‘Boots – the chemist’ security guards fo
r trying to smuggle out 2 packs of para
cetamol and Extra Strength Lemsips!
And then there’s their ‘hard
knock’ childhoods. 50 cent clearly had
a hard time, spending time behind bar
s for firearm offences and battery. And
there’s Robbie who spent most
of it in that band with dungarees on, h
aving pillow fights with Gary Barlow! He
could have got 3 years if the feathers
came out and he choked! Per-
sonally I can’t wait to hear the single!
Shitney Bears
And Britney Spears is back in the reco
rding studio! Finally, the Princess of Po
p is going to be releasing a new album
soon, and some songs are ru-
moured to be based on her recent ‘bre
akdown’. I can’t wait to hear some of t
he song titles- ‘Drop me baby one mo
re time’, ‘I’m a shave 4 u’, and
‘Oops I’ve lost it again! ’ being just a fe
w she could choose from.
Josie: WEMBLEY Alys: Lisa Wembley? Lisa: So you’d like to stay in Traveldodge Wembley Hotel. Is that right?
Josie: Yes. Lisa: When will you be arriving? Josie: Tuesday the eighteenth of April. Lisa: Staying for how many nights?
CELEBRITY UPDATE By Sian
Hill
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 22MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 22MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 22MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 22
Backside Stateside
Mel B has blam
ed her mum arriving in America
during her pregnancy, as the
reason she has piled on so muc
h weight. The unrecognisable S
pice Girl, says
her mum has been fattening her
up, by feeding her roast dinners
. Her reaction to
her piss-takers about her weigh
t has simply been – ‘Kiss my ass
!’. Personally, I
was gonna ask if I could write th
e whole of War and Peace on it
!
Golfing Goon
Justin Timberlak
e arrived in the UK and decided
to have a round of golf in Scot-
land. Apparently he was bomba
rded by fans and groped all ove
r. Said to be a
little shaken up, Timberlake’s se
curity has been increased for th
e duration of his
stay. Seeing as the golf course
was public, it’s probably equivale
nt to Tom Jones
turning up to use the lav in one
of our very own Castle Bingos!
I heard he had a
lucky escape. Michelle McManu
s was on the next course and o
ut right flattened
2 of his security guards, when s
he heard he had discarded half
a Curly Wurly
and a bottle of Tizer!
Halitosis HeartThrob
And talking of S
ir Tom Jones, he has come und
er the spotlight this month, afte
r
his wife has stepped out to talk
about her depression this week
. Seems Mr
Jones’s wandering hands was a
factor of much of it, and the We
lsh stud has also
admitted in the past that he has
lost count of the amount of wom
en he has slept
with. One conquest told how he
liked to dip his ‘Welsh rhythm s
tick’ into bottles
of Listerine during foreplay ! – P
erhaps he needed to remove a
little plaque
before going back to the wife ! E
wwwwww!
CELEBRITY
UPDATE Continued
MEEKIE MONTHLY WEB DIRECTORYMEEKIE MONTHLY WEB DIRECTORYMEEKIE MONTHLY WEB DIRECTORYMEEKIE MONTHLY WEB DIRECTORY This is a web directory of Meekie Monthly readers This is a web directory of Meekie Monthly readers This is a web directory of Meekie Monthly readers This is a web directory of Meekie Monthly readers and friends. It’s free to add your website on here and friends. It’s free to add your website on here and friends. It’s free to add your website on here and friends. It’s free to add your website on here but we can’t accept responsibility for the sites and but we can’t accept responsibility for the sites and but we can’t accept responsibility for the sites and but we can’t accept responsibility for the sites and their contents. their contents. their contents. their contents.
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HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE REPAIRS AND TACKLE HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE REPAIRS AND TACKLE HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE REPAIRS AND TACKLE HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE REPAIRS AND TACKLE
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MUSIC PROMOTIONMUSIC PROMOTIONMUSIC PROMOTIONMUSIC PROMOTION www.tantrum.co.uk
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PUBLICATIONSPUBLICATIONSPUBLICATIONSPUBLICATIONS www.redhandedmagazine.co.uk
RUGBY RUGBY RUGBY RUGBY www.rugbyrebels.com
WHAT’S ONWHAT’S ONWHAT’S ONWHAT’S ON www.urbantraffic.co.uk
WOMEN’S ACCESSORIESWOMEN’S ACCESSORIESWOMEN’S ACCESSORIESWOMEN’S ACCESSORIES www.funkandfashion.co.uk
MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 24 Page 24 Page 24 Page 24
1. You've just woken up and go
ne downstairs for some Cornf
lakes when you open
the fridge door to find that all
the milk has gone. Do you?
a) sigh gently, slowly closing the
door and putting on your coat r
eady to pop to Kwik Save?
b) slam the fridge door shut and
stomping to Kwik Save sighing
very loudly to yourself.
c) Rip the door off the fridge, pull
out all the food onto the floor, b
efore throwing that gone off cab
bage at a passing
car?
2. You're driving to work when
a cyclist pulls out in front of y
ou, pedalling very slowly and
not allowing you
to overtake. Do you?
a) sigh gently, waiting patiently f
or a clearing to pass
b) toot your horn in frustration an
d gesturing them to pull over?
c) slam your foot down hard on
the accelerator, driving straight o
ver the cyclist, before selecting r
everse to make
sure that the cyclist doesn't have
time to readjust his helmet and
remount.
3. You get to work to find that
your boss has sacked you an
d employed some bird with bi
g wabbers. Do
you?
a) sigh gently, before gathering
your stuff from your desk and ma
king your way back to the car?
b) Tell your boss that he's an ars
ehole, before gathering your stu
ff from your desk and making yo
ur way back to the
car?
c) Boot your boss hard in the bo
llocks, throwing him out of the w
indow and knocking over his "Yo
u don't have to be
mad to work here- but it helps" s
ign off the wall.
4. When you get back to your car,
you find that a traffic warden
has just put a ticket on your c
ar. Do you?
a) Sigh gently, muttering to yours
elf?
b) Challenge the traffic warden o
n his decision to ticket you and r
emonstrating for at least ten min
utes?
c) Start the car up, drive forward
s for 10 feet before reversing, s
topping only to pick up the traffic
warden and putting
him in the boot with the cyclist?
How angry do you get
? Are you as cool as a cucumber
or do you need to visit an
anger management class? Let
Meekie Monthly diagnose
you with this fab quiz!
5. You arrive back at home and notice
that some young scamp has put his f
ootball through
your front window. Do you?
a) sigh gently, picking your way through
the broken glass and handing the young
whippersnapper his
ball back?
b) chase the kid up the street with a bro
om?
c) boot the kid through the other window
, before heading inside, picking the kid u
p by his ears and
taking him home- without his football.
6. You settle down
with a few beers to comfort yourself b
y watching an episode of
Countdown. Unfortunately, the cricke
t has run over, meaning that today's e
pisode will now be
shown at a later date. Do you?
a) sigh gently, turning over to watch Rich
ard and Judy?
b) slam your remote control down hard o
n your sofa?
c) drive down to Lord's, taking your car
straight onto the cricket field and mowing
down any players who are too slow to
make it back to the pavilion?
7. When you get back,
your partner has left you, in favour of
a homosexual relationship with some
one they met
yesterday. Do you?
a) sigh gently, allowing them to dabble i
n their duplicious debauchery?
b) shout loudly at your partner, before re
alising that they have in fact left several
hours earlier?
c) Growl on the spot very angrily, unsure
of what to do next?
8. You decide to co
mfort yourself with a bag of chips, bu
t Mr Wong has decided not to open today a
s he's gone to
watch the cricket. Do you?
a) sigh gently to yourself, getting back in
to your car and heading home for some c
ornflakes?
b) Smash his window before running off
quite fast?
c) Drive your car through Mr Wong's win
dow, helping yourself to as many chips a
s you can get into your back seat and
driving home singing "It's My Life!", the p
opular beat combo made famous in 1982
by Talk Talk?
Mostly As– Nothin
g bothers you in the slightest. Your h
ead would fall off and you wouldn’t no
tice
Mostly Bs– You’re neither a particular
ly angry person or a non-angry perso
n
Mostly Cs– You’re an animal. I sugges
t that you arrange for some anger ma
nagement immediately
MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 25 Page 25 Page 25 Page 25
An angry man yesterday
MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 26 Page 26 Page 26 Page 26
Meekie Monthly
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MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 28 Page 28 Page 28 Page 28
ARIES
Mar 21 - Apr 20
What a boring month it's been for you. Has
n't it? Hasn't it? (Reader: "Yes it has").
Never mind. June promises to be a stunnin
g month for you. Everything you do will be
come a fantastic
success and everyone you meet will want
to sleep with you. In fact, there....oh hang
on. Sorry, I've been
reading Leo's by mistake. Sorry about tha
t.
TAURUS
Apr 21 - May 21
Ah yes. The bovine wonder. Have you rece
ntly that people have started moving away
from you when you get
close to them? That's be the smell of Bovr
il you're giving off. Better keep your legs cl
osed if I were you. Your
breath smells. Lucky name related to defr
osting a field of cows- Thora Hird.
GEMINI
May 22 - Jun 22
Wasn't there a crap pop band called Gemi
ni. Yes. I think they were the ones that wen
t into the Eurovision
Song Contest and got Nil Pwar. Well that j
ust about sums you up this month Gemini.
A complete waste of
space. Unlucky day for entering a song co
ntest- 18th June.
CANCER
June 23 - July 23
The crab people. Hard shells, soft centres
and an aroma like....erm...crab paste. It's
not wonder you seem to
have lost your mojo this month. The fact t
hat you walk in and out of clubs sideways
also doesn't help. Why
can't you just be like normal people? Luck
y day for cleaning out your fish tank- Frida
y nights.
LEO
July 24 - Aug 23
June promises to be a stunning month for
you. Everything you do will become a fanta
stic success and
everyone you meet will want to sleep with
you. In fact, there hasn't been a better mon
th for you in your life.
But you do deserve it, don't you Leo?
VIRGO
Aug 24 - Sep 23
With Jupiter in your house this month, ther
e isn't much room left for you, so you'll be
spending most of June in
the garden shed with the spiders. Remem
ber to move the barbeque stuff out into th
e garden to give yourself
more room, and keep the rats out with a bi
g pointy stick.
Horoscopes with Enog
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 28MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 28MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 28MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 28
LIBRA
Sept 24 - Oct 23
The sign of the scales. Li
terally quite true this mon
th as you'll develop fish-li
ke scales all over. Not to
worry too much
though. Pisces has the s
ame problem every month
. A shop at Kwik Save on
the 17th turns into a nig
htmare terrorist/
hostage-taking scenario,
and you escape with you
r life after the SBS. who w
ere on their way to the loc
al swimming
baths, stop by to help out
. Lucky trolley to hide beh
ind- the one with the baki
ng tray left in it.
SCORPIO
Oct 24 - Nov 22
Sexy Scorpio. So sexy, th
ey turn gay people straigh
t. Their thighs are always
moist and their genitals a
lways
primed ready for action.
Shame you've got the cla
p this month then Scorpio
. We told you last month
to avoid
that munter down the loc
al pub. The one with the b
ig nose and wart on their
eyelid. Serves you right.
SAGITTARI
US
Nov 23 - Dec 21
Nothing much to shout ab
out this month Sagittariu
s. In fact, if I were you, I'd
write off June and get sta
rted on
July a month early.
CAPRICORN
Dec 22 - Jan 20
Capricorns can expect a
varied month in June. The
re'll be some good days a
nd some bad days. There
'll be some days in
between and some days
that are more days that a
re better than the bad da
ys and some days that wi
ll be badder than the
better days. All in all, I ca
n't be arsed to think of an
ything exciting to ply you
with.
AQUARIUS
Jan 21 - Feb 19
That goes for you too.
PISCES
Feb 20 - Mar 20
As for you. Well, it's gettin
g late, the dog needs his
walk. He ate my son's m
iniature chemistry set from
Argos and Pippin the
Spaniel has been shartin
g all over my house. So I
have neither the time, no
r the inclination to go spo
uting off made-up
horoscopes to you. You
don't take any notice of th
em anyway.
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 29MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 29MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 29MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 29
Horoscopes with Enog
Due to the end of the sporting season, we are
unable to bring you any sports stories of any kind.
We can tell you though that we will be back in
September, when people all over the world start
playing sport again.
Sport
MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 30 Page 30 Page 30 Page 30