Meeting 4 - The Family Check-Up · 2019-12-20 · 02 mins Home Practice: Family-care What You...

Meeting 4: Active Listening

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Meeting 4: Active

Listening

Table Of Contents

5 Slides and Activity Sheets

21 Taking the Program Home

23 Tips & Tools

31 Home Practice Sheets

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Slides and Activity Sheets

WelcomeMeeting 4: Active Listening

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15 mins

Self-care Check-in

• Personal Goals – Small Steps• Self-kindness • Mindful Breathing• Comforting Activities

05 mins

Self-careMindful Breathing

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12 mins

Family-care Check-in

03 mins

Family-care Check-In

• Family Time

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02 mins

Active Listening to Bereaved Children

How to listen so your children will talk• Why active listening matters• Four Talk-to-Me’s• Gently postponing

12 mins

Self-CareStrong Family Bonds

Listening

Today’s Group

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NOT Active Listening Example30 secs

Active Listening Makes a Difference

01 min

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Active Listening02 mins

03 mins

What Is a Quick Fix?

• Parent gives children an answer to fix the problem before they have fully listened to what the child is saying

• Quick fix is common and often very well-meaning

• Parents use quick fixes because they what their children to feel better BUT it gets in the way of listening

Quick Fix Active Listening

Cuts children off Keeps your children talking to you

Doesn’t give children a chance to solve their own problems

Allows you to understand their problems, but not solve the problems for them

Keeps you from understanding your children’s feelings and problems

Helps you understand their feelings and problems

Doesn’t provide an opportunity for them to share

Shows children that you are trying to understand and that they are not alone

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30 secs

Inviting Body Language

01 min

My teachersaid…

Open-ended Questions

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01 min

Say More’s

02 mins

Asking Open-ended Questions

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10 secs

Parent Is Busy but Doesn’t Postpone

15 secs

Parent Gently Postpones Listening

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02 mins

Home Practice: Family-careWhat You Practice Grows Stronger

02 mins

Gently Postponing

• Tell your child you’re busy and what you are doing.

• Make it clear that you want to talk later, so you can provide your full attention.o If your child mentioned a topic,

repeat it so he/she knows you listened.• Set a definite time and keep it

(even if your child forgets)!

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02 mins

Home Practice: Family-care

• Family Time• One-on-One Time• Catch ‘em Doing Good

What You Practice Grows Stronger

02 mins

Home Practice: Self-care

• Personal Goal —Small Steps

• Self-kindness• Mindful Breathing• Comforting activities

What You Practice Grows Stronger

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01 min

Next meeting• More listening tools• More self-care tools

Closing ritual

Wrap-up

01 min

Online Resources

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SayMore’s

» Um-hmm » Nodding » Yup » Yeah » Uh-huh » Wow » Tell me more » Tell me about it » I’d like to hear more

More Say More’s

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OPEN QUESTIONS

OPEN QUESTIONS

OPEN QUESTIONS

OPEN QUESTIONS

OPEN QUESTIONS

OPEN QUESTIONS

Two of my children are talking loudly in the

bedroom. I am in the living room when

one of them comes into the room.

My child comes home from school.

My child and I have just been to a religious service. We are sitting

down to lunch.

I’ve just picked up my child from a birthday

party.

My child has been away at a day camp.

I pick her/him up in the parking lot.

My child comes home from a baseball game.

OPEN QUESTIONS

OPEN QUESTIONS

OPEN QUESTIONS

OPEN QUESTIONS

My child just came home from a friend’s house.

My child has been working hard on

homework and I want to know how it’s going.

My child comes home from shopping.

My child comes home after tryouts for a play

at school.

; Home Practice Sheets

Taking The Program Home

1. Look through Tips and Tools

2. Do Getting to Know More About your Child

3. Continue using your other Family-care and Self-care Tools:

• One-on-One Time – 15 minutes per child

• Catch ’em Doing Good – Every chance you get!

• Family Time

• Personal Goal – Small Step

• Self-kindness words

• Comforting Activities

• Mindful Breathing

Comforting Activities What comforting activities did you do since we last met?

Mindful Breathing

A Lot -----------------------------------

Once a day Sometimes

-----------------------------------A couple of

times a week

Rarely -----------------------------------

Once or twice since last meeting

Notat All

How often did you do your comfort activity since we last met?

A Lot -----------------------------------


-----------------------------------A couple of

times a week

Rarely -----------------------------------


Notat All

How often did you do mindful breathing since we last met?

How did it go? Choose the face that shows how you felt about doing mindful breathing.

Did not doAwful Bad GoodOkay Great

How did it go? Choose the face that shows how you felt about these comforting activities.


Write down anything that other parents said during the meeting that you found helpful for your own self-care or family care.

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Self-kindness

Self-care ActivitiesPersonal Goal – Small Step What small steps did you take since we last met?

A Lot -----------------------------------


-----------------------------------A couple of

times a week

Rarely -----------------------------------


Notat All

How often did you use self-kindness words since we last met?

How did it go? Choose the face that shows how you felt about taking these small steps.


How did it go? Choose the face that shows how you felt about using self-kindness words.


Catch ‘em Doing Good! (cont.)

WEEK 1

WEEK 2

How often did you do Catch ‘em Doing Good?

A Lot -----------------------------------


-----------------------------------A couple of

times a week

Rarely -----------------------------------


Notat All

Continued on next page 5

How did it go? Awful Bad Okay Good Great

Name

Choose the face that shows how you feel Catch ‘em Doing Good went with each of your children.

Did not do

WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2

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Child: ______________ Spent 15 minutes Let child choose activity

Followed child’s lead

Gave positive attention

Showed acceptance Did not do













Make a check mark next to each thing that happened this past week.

One-on-One Time

How do you feel One-on-One Time went? Awful Bad Okay Good Great

Name What did you do?Did not

doWEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2

Catch ‘em Doing Good!

Child: ______________ Told child I noticed good behavior

Gave child a hug, kiss, or touch

Gave another kind of praise

Was specific about the behavior that I liked

Did not do





Did not do





Did not do





Did not do

Make a check mark next to each thing that happened since our last meeting.


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How did Active Listening go?Awful Bad Okay Good Awful

Child’s NameDid not


Make a check mark under the column that best describes how often you used each technique when talking to your children since we met.

Big Ears (stop what you were doing and just listen)

Inviting Body Language (face child, make eye contact, get close)


Say More’s

Quick Fix

Awful Bad Okay Good Great Did not do

How did Family Time go?

Getting to Know More About Your Child

Active Listening

Choose the face that shows how you feel this activity went with each of your children.

Awful Bad Okay Good Great

Child’s Name Did not do

(turn in at Meeting 5)

Home Practice SheetMeeting 4 Name

A Lot -----------------------------------


-----------------------------------A couple of

times a week

Rarely -----------------------------------


Notat All

Family TimeWhat did your family do for Family Time?

Continued on next page 5 25

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WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2

Complete online

or bring to Meeting 5

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Tips And Tools

1. Tips for replacing the Quick Fix with Active Listening

2. What other parents say about Active Listening

3. Ideas for Catch ’em Doing Good

4. Developmental Issues in Active Listening

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It’s difficult to see your children upset. As a parent, you might feel it is your job to “fix” things for your children.

However, by choosing to listen rather than do a Quick Fix, you can help your children learn to solve problems and become good decision makers. Avoiding the Quick Fix also eases your workload. It is not your job to solve every problem that comes up! Below are some common quick fixes and ways to avoid them.

Tips For Replacing The Quick Fix With Active Listening

If you catch yourself about to… try to…

tell your child her problem is not such a big deal,

put yourself in your child’s shoes—it is a big deal to him or her. Use Say More’s to find out what happened.

share your opinion before hearing all the details about what is bothering your child,

remember how you feel when someone tells you her opinion before you get a chance to tell your story. Let your child talk and ask open-ended questions to encourage your child to say more.

lecture or jump right in with advice before your child has a chance to come up with ideas,

give your child the chance to work on his own good solutions, and let him or her know you are there if he or she needs you.

tell your child not to worry and you will take care of the problem,

use active listening to figure out if this is a problem she or he can solve on her or his own.

tell your child what he or she should have done,

remember that your child is coming to you because he or she is upset. Use active listening while he or she tells you what happened and how he or she feels.

Give yourself a break from Quick Fixing and remember how good it feels to be heard and

to come up with your own solutions.25

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What Other Parents Say About Active Listening

I saw my daughter become a lot more willing to communicate as a result of some of the skills that we learned about communicating with each other. It’s great for her to feel safe to talk about the feelings she was processing, as we went through what we went through. And I think that just all contributes to the way that our relationship has grown.

Now, every night when he goes to bed, he says, “Mom, can we talk?” And before that, we never had times like that because whenever he would talk, I would quickly fix it. If he was telling me something bad that had happened at school, it would be like, “Okay, well here’s how we do it, Mom will fix this,” or “Next time don’t talk to that boy.” Rather than just letting him get it all out. And so one of the major advantages has been this increased line of communication that has made him feel more free to share things with me, that before he never shared because he knew I would just cut him off and fix it.

The listening skills helped me. The Big Ears helped me to make sure I was listening to my son, that he felt like he was being heard. Sometimes I would notice a frustration level and I would check, and I would be talking at him, instead of with him. Also I was very guilty of shooting questions at him and not giving him a real chance to answer. Learning to pause and listen to what he had to say, and using open-ended questions helped to get more information, instead of just yes and no answers.26

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Ideas for Catch ‘em Doing Good

HELPING OUT

ACHIEVEMENTS

Picked up toys/things

Made bed Put away toothpaste

Helped set/ clear table

Fed dog/cat/fish Folded some clothes

Did dishes Cleaned kitchen, bedroom or family room

Got good grades Did well on a test

Played hard in sports

Drew a picture

Worked on badge in Scouts

ROUTINES

RELATIONSHIPS

Got dressed with few reminders

Got ready for school on time Studied for 15 minutes

Did homework with few reminders

Practiced musical instrument

PERSONAL QUALITIES

RULES

OTHER

Brave Considerate Creative Hard-working Helpful Cooperative Thoughtful Polite

Made curfew Called home to check in Got ready for bed with few reminders

Shared with sibling/friend Played well with sibling/friend

Few squabbles all day

Ideas of things to “catch” your children doing.

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Developmental Issues in Active Listening

Being a good listener is one of the most powerful ways parents and caregivers help their bereaved children. Bereaved parents often wonder about how their bereaved children are doing; what is happening in their lives and what they are feeling. The best way to learn about their children is to listen to them. Indeed, there is a great deal of research which finds that parents’ listening is associated with multiple benefits for children, including more effective coping with stress and lower levels of mental health problems. But it is often not easy for parents to really listen to their grieving children. Listening takes a lot of time and energy and bereaved parents are often under a great deal of stress themselves which makes it difficult to listen. Because bereaved parents want to fix any problems their children are experiencing, they are often more concerned with telling them what to do than listening to what is happening with them.

Resilient Parenting for Bereaved Families Program teaches a set of practical tools which we refer to as Active Listening, in which the parent focuses on what the child is saying both in their words and their actions, and provides feedback to let the child know that they are being heard. Active listening tools work for children of all ages. It conveys the message that that the child is important, that their experience and feelings are valued by the parent and that they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings. But children have different ways of expressing themselves at different ages. Therefore, there are special considerations for parents in listening to children at different ages.

YOUNG CHILDREN: TODDLERS AND PRE-SCHOOLERS (BIRTH THROUGH AGE 5). Express themselves through their play. They may play out their concerns, wishes and feelings through play re-enactments of a distressing theme or through their drawing. They may express themselves with brief emotional displays along with periods in which they engage in normal activities. Active listening involves behavior in which you


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follow the child’s play. There are a number of ways in which you can do that: Praise the child’s behavior (e.g., “You are doing a great job of coloring”); Reflect the child’s behavior (e.g., “The truck is going very fast”; “that is a very big horse”); Be enthusiastic by the inflection in your voice (e.g., “Pow!”) or the emotionally expressive tone of voice to match the child’s play; Describe the content of the child’s play (e.g., “A purple horse”). For children at this age shorter sentences are better (e.g., “A purple horse” rather than “I like the way you drew that horse with purple legs and a yellow tail”). And a short time period for playing and listening, such as 5 minutes, may be appropriate rather than the longer time period with older children.

SCHOOL AGE CHILDREN (AGES 6-12)School age children can express themselves in many ways, verbally as well as through their play and drawings. Listening can be done either following a child in doing an activity (e.g., play) or in a verbal conversation. Listening in the context of play should involve developmentally appropriate toys such as putting together models, making things like jewelry or toy cars, puzzles, etc. Listening to school age children’s talk involves following the child’s conversation using your open-ended questions, summary, and feeling responses which can be a little more elaborate than for pre-school age children. Also, because these children are capable of longer periods of self-expression, you can spend longer periods of time in which you just attend closely, and show it by your inviting body language (e.g., attending posture, head nods) and using verbal encouragement (e.g., “tell me about it”) rather than your talking (e.g., make summary and feeling responses). Also, the feedback to school age children may be less exaggerated than it might be with younger children, and may simply follow the child’s level of enthusiasm. Summary responses may use more paraphrasing and summarizing multiple things the child is telling you rather than directly repeating or mirroring each one as you might do with a preschool child.

ADOLESCENTS (AGE 12-18)Although one of the tasks of adolescence is to seek more independence from their parents in order to develop their own identity they still need the warm and supportive relationship with their parents. Adolescence is a time in which many things are changing including their biology, their thinking, their social lives, and their sense of identity. It is also a time when they are more likely to experience negative emotions. In particular, studies found that

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girls are more likely than boys to experience depression at this age. Thus, although they may be reluctant to openly share many things that are happening in their lives and their emotions, they benefit from the acceptance and warmth that are provided by an adult who is using active listening skills. Active listening can create a space for adolescents to share what they feel safe to share, and at their own time and in their own way. Showing respect for their growing independence is important, but can also be accompanied by showing the availability of a listening ear, when and where the adolescent is ready to talk. Adolescents are sensitive to being judged, and to be talked down to so active listening needs to be genuine and accepting. As part of their maturing thinking ability they may be developing ideas that challenge those of their parents. This can be challenging for parents who also have an important task in keeping the adolescent safe, protect them from dangerous situations, and provide guidance for their decision making. Parents’ active listening need not reflect agreement with what their adolescent is saying, but acceptance of their different ideas. Parents can be direct and open about their dual roles to both be supportive and nonjudgemental, while at the same times, setting reasonable rules and boundaries. Opportunities to listen may come at unexpected times, when you are engaged in other activities with them, so listening opportunities may be increased by finding more times to engage the adolescents in regular activities, like helping with projects around the house, taking a walk, or playing ball.

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Home Practice

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How did Active Listening go?Awful Bad Okay Good Awful

Child’s NameDid not


Getting to Know More About Your ChildSuggestions for introducing this activity and questions to choose from are on page XXX.

Active Listening

Family-care Activities

Choose the face that shows how you feel this activity went with each of your children.

Awful Bad Okay Good Great

Child’s Name Did not do

(turn in at Meeting 5)

Home Practice SheetMeeting 4 Name


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Make a check mark under the column that best describes how often you used each technique when talking to your children since we met.

Big Ears (stop what you were doing and just listen)

Inviting Body Language (face child, make eye contact, get close)


Say More’s

Quick Fix

A Lot -----------------------------------


-----------------------------------A couple of

times a week

Rarely -----------------------------------


Notat All

WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2

















Make a check mark next to each thing that happened this past week.

One-on-One Time

How do you feel One-on-One Time went? Awful Bad Okay Good Great

Name What did you do?Did not


Catch ‘em Doing Good!





Did not do





Did not do





Did not do





Did not do

Make a check mark next to each thing that happened since our last meeting.


Awful Bad Okay Good Great Did not do

How did Family Time go?

Family TimeWhat did your family do for Family Time?

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Self-kindness

Self-care ActivitiesPersonal Goal – Small Step What small steps did you take since we last met?

A Lot -----------------------------------


-----------------------------------A couple of

times a week

Rarely -----------------------------------


Notat All

How often did you use self-kindness words since we last met?

How did it go? Choose the face that shows how you felt about taking these small steps.


How did it go? Choose the face that shows how you felt about using self-kindness words.


Catch ‘em Doing Good! (cont.)

WEEK 1

WEEK 2

How often did you do Catch ‘em Doing Good?

A Lot -----------------------------------


-----------------------------------A couple of

times a week

Rarely -----------------------------------


Notat All


How did it go? Awful Bad Okay Good Great

Name

Choose the face that shows how you feel Catch ‘em Doing Good went with each of your children.

Did not do

WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 1 WEEK 2

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Comforting Activities What comforting activities did you do since we last met?

Mindful Breathing

A Lot -----------------------------------


-----------------------------------A couple of

times a week

Rarely -----------------------------------


Notat All

How often did you do your comfort activity since we last met?

A Lot -----------------------------------


-----------------------------------A couple of

times a week

Rarely -----------------------------------


Notat All

How often did you do mindful breathing since we last met?

How did it go? Choose the face that shows how you felt about doing mindful breathing.


How did it go? Choose the face that shows how you felt about these comforting activities.


Write down anything that other parents said during the meeting that you found helpful for your own self-care or family-care activities.

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Getting to Know More About Your Child

For home practice for the group I’ve been going to I need to interview you. It’s an interview like on TV, radio, or YouTube. I’m going to be the interviewer and my job is to learn as much as I can about children in our community. Your job is to be yourself – and just tell as much as you can about the things I ask.

You could start your interview with: OK – this is Parent TV – I’m interviewing a very special guest who lives nearby.

Toddlers & Preschoolers (Ask 3 or 4)

1. What are your favorite foods?

2. What are your favorite games?

3. What fun things do you like to do with me?

4. What are your favorite toys?

Elementary-school Children (Ask 3 or 4)

1. What do you like to do at school?

2. Who do you like to play with?

3. What are your favorite holidays?

4. What fun things do you like to do with me?

5. What are your favorite shows, movies or books?

Teenagers (Ask 3 or 4)

1. What are your favorite books, movies or shows?

2. What things do you like best about school?

3. What things would you like to change about your school?

4. What famous people do you like best?

5. If you could visit anywhere where would you go?

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Reminder Note 4 Talk

to Me’s

Do

Don’t

; Use your Big Ears and pay attention to what your children are saying and doing

; Make eye contact with your children when they talk to you

; Ask open-ended questions that encourage longer answers

; Use Say More’s to keep your children talking

; Tell your children you were glad to talk with them

: Do a Quick Fix

: Turn away, look away, or fidget when your children are talking to you

: Ask lots of closed questions that call for “yes” or “no” responses

The more you use the 4 Talk to Me’s, the more your children will open up

and share ideas and feelings. 39

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© 2018 REACH Institute l Arizona State University l All rights reserved.

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Meeting 4 - The Family Check-Up · 2019-12-20 · 02 mins Home Practice: Family-care What You...

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