Mental Health Essentialsby John Joseph Rohrer

Copyright ©2013 John Joseph RohrerNew Standard Publications

www.createspace.comFirst Edition

License NoteThis guide was written for the good of all,so by all means – copy and share it freely.

Table of Contents

Introduction (p.2)

I. Personal Exploration (p.3)

Basic Drives (p.4)Responding to Frustration (p.5)Formative Memories (p.6)Role Models (p.7)The Present Moment (p.8)The Unwritten Future (p.9)Goals and Personal Success (p.10)

II. Addiction Resolution (p.11)

Priorities, Goals, and the Threat of Addiction (p.12)Cost / Benefit Analyses of Crucial Life Decisions (p.13)Decision-Mindfulness (Awareness of Choice) (p.14)Dealing with Likely Future Situations of Temptation (p.15)Emotional Wisdom – Learning to Feel Well (p.16)Growing into a Healthy, Empowered Sense of Self (p.17)Addiction in Perspective (p.18)

III. Healthy Relationships (p.19)

A Healthy Spirit (p.20)Foundations of the Heart (p.21)Essential Ethics (p.22)Maintaining Grace (p.23)Assertiveness (p.24)Breaking Through (p.25)The Significance of Emotion (p.26)

IV. Leadership (p.27)

The Story of Sensible Sam (p.28)Child and Parent Argue about Parenting (p.29)The Power Trap (p.30)Leadership Styles (p.31)Identity Plasticity (p.32)Modifying Behavior (p.33)Levels of Care (p.34)

Conclusion (p.35)

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Introduction

This volume of therapeutic exercises has been written and organized with four goals in mind: (1), to facilitate better understanding of oneself; (2), to enable the reader to extinguish or better manage any addictive dysfunctions; (3), to reinforce perspectives which may prove essential for a healthy social life; and (4), to educate the reader on essential qualities of effective leadership.

Section One of this workbook, titled “Personal Exploration”, aims at the heart of what it is to be uniquely you. Its exercises provide a good foundation for further examination of your direction of personal growth and thereby support the sections which follow it.

Section Two is titled “Addiction Resolution”, as it contains perspectives and questions which aim to provide a cohesive set of tools for growth beyond the cycles which hold us back from reaching our higher potentials. These tools are focused on rational empowerment, rather than the acknowledgment of powerlessness which other methods may promote.

Section Three is focused on fostering social harmony and is therefore titled “Healthy Relationships”. The exercises within this section range from conflict resolution to an education of what healthy relating might look like, while examining one’s perspective and how it may be changing for the better.

Finally, Section Four is titled “Leadership” and concerns itself with the effective guidance of you who would guide the next generation in the pursuit of meaningful success. While leadership styles vary greatly, we examine the effects of each and work to understand just what makes one style better or worse than the others.

This brief workbook is a carefully designed tool created to foster better personal insight and skills for life. What the reader takes from its guidance is the true test of its utility, of course. In this vein, I have come to the tested conclusion over the many instances in which I have presented these materials in group and individual therapy, that this publication’s potential is significant for those who are willing to examine themselves and any unfamiliar information with an open and thoughtful perspective.

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I. Personal Exploration

This section of the book is a collection of exercises created for the purpose of personal exploration. Its intended purpose is to help souls to come to better understandings of themselves – and perhaps of one another as well – as they examine their unique points of view, enabling closer, more meaningful bonds with a deepening sense of their respective perspectives.

One must learn to recognize one’s feelings and concerns for any healthy balance of assertiveness to emerge, as well as for the ability to relate and express such empathy to the kindred spirit with whom one is relating. The health of one’s relationships is of vital importance for every social creature, and so I have worked to keep this in mind as I composed the questions which constitute this section and the perspectives which define this book.

Consider the following exercises which form this exploration:

1. Basic Drives2. Responding to Frustration3. Formative Memories4. Role Models5. The Present Moment6. The Unwritten Future7. Goals and Personal Success

I feel confident that this questionnaire holds the key to personal revelations of many kinds. It is my hope that, upon examining your point of view, you will find a deeper sense of both your unique and shared humanity.

Examining the fundamentals of one’s soul – and comparing these basic qualities with those of others in one’s life – is well worth the time spent, I have personally found, having tested this course with my peers, and so I urge you to discover your own answers to these open inquiries into your own distinctive aspects of person.

I invite you to bare your soul and become the “open book” which is in your potential to be. Find acceptance in your heart and in the bonds which you hold dear; we now begin with a necessary introduction from you…

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Basic Drives

My name is ____________________, and my hobbies and interests include__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I think that my best qualities are _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My hopes for the future are _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I value or care about ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I feel that the purpose of this life is ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I find meaning in _______________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

The Path to Meaning

Conscience(One’s cares for those whose moral worth one perceives)

↓Purpose

(Conscientious goals which one may help to bring about)↓

Meaning(Fulfillment of one’s purpose, granting profound pleasure)

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Responding to Frustration

Threat (Frustration of Peace and Security) makes me feel _______________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________An example of this might be ______________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________A healthy response to this might be __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Disrespect (Frustration of Love and Harmony) makes me feel _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________An example of this might be ______________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________A healthy response to this might be __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Tragedy (Frustration of Joy and Hope) makes me feel ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________An example of this might be ______________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________A healthy response to this might be __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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Formative Memories

Formative memories are recollections of events which have had a major impact on how you have learned to view yourself and your world. In this exercise, you are invited to consider the effect that such memories have had on your life and mind, for better or worse.

One formative memory which I would like to share was when ___________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

This experience has shaped who I’ve become in the following way(s):_____ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The upside(s) of this formative event might be _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The downside(s) of this formative event might be _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Another formative memory which I would like to share was when ________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

This experience has shaped who I’ve become in the following way(s):_____ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The upside(s) of this formative event might be _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The downside(s) of this formative event might be __________________________________________________________________________________

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_____________________________________________________________Role Models

Who are (or were) my role models? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What is it that I admire (or used to admire) about them? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What (if anything) do I dislike about any of them? ____________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

How are we similar? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

How do I feel about these similarities? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

How do I wish to be? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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The Present Moment

How safe and secure do I feel right now (on a scale from 1 to 10)? ____

I think that I feel this way because _________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

How warm and caring do I feel right now (on a scale from 1 to 10) ____

I think that I feel this way because _________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

How happy and well do I feel right now (on a scale from 1 to 10) ____

I think that I feel this way because _________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

If you are in a pleasant state of mind, of course that is good, so long as your wellness does not rely on others’ suffering. On the other hand, if you spend your time in an unpleasant state of mind, consider that perhaps this suffering means that you deserve even more to find happiness in life – that your suffering makes you even more worthy of peace, love, and joy. Perhaps your self-esteem (sense of self-worth) should reflect this ethical reality, as perhaps it should reflect how caring you are as well.

Considering all of this, what is your current level of self-esteem (1-10)? ___

Explain your reason(s) for this assessment: __________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

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_____________________________________________________________The Unwritten Future

Am I on a path of growth to a healthy state of maturity? ____

If so, in what ways? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

If not, in what ways? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

How much control do I feel that I have to affect my life (from 1 to 10)? ____

In what ways do I have such control? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

In what ways do I not have such control? ____________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

“Nothing endures but change.”-Heraclitus

“If you don’t know where you’re going, you wind up somewhere else.”-Yogi Berra

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Goals and Personal Success

What are my goals in life? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Why am I committed to such goals? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Which of my qualities are most essential for success in these endeavors? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What do I do from day to day to work toward the fulfillment of my goals?_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What more could I do in this regard? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What are some of my life accomplishments? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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II. Addiction Resolution

In the United States for much of the last century, the conventional method used for the treatment of addiction has been the 12-Step Model, long seen by those in American treatment culture as the only option for combating unhealthy habits.

However, other techniques have been shown to work as well as – if not better than – that model of recovery. In this group, we will be employing the most progressive of these methods, which have been organized with the goal of enabling souls to recover from addiction and stay mindfully empowered concerning the important decisions of life.

From an exploration of one’s basic human drives, to cost / benefit analysis of one’s possibly dysfunctional behaviors, to mindfulness of one’s goals and decisions, there are real, working, effective solutions for us, which we will explore together, if you choose to participate in this program for a healthy dose of reading and reflection.

Consider the following “treatment outline” which has been organized for one to follow throughout the course of this module of therapy:

1. Priorities, Goals, and the Threat of Addiction2. Cost / Benefit Analysis of Crucial Life Decisions3. Decision-Mindfulness (Awareness of Choice)4. Dealing with Likely Future Situations of Temptation5. Emotional Wisdom – Learning to Feel Well6. Growing into a Healthy, Empowered Sense of Self7. Addiction in Perspective

Throughout the course of this group, you may be “waking up” in important ways which could prove vital for the ultimate success of your life’s path. What you choose to do with your unique time here on Earth is ultimately up to you, of course. This workbook is simply a tool designed to help those who are ready to grow past their dysfunctions, to discover what they truly need in order to find and keep a state of emotional wellness which is not dependent

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upon any of the many dangerous vices which ruin so many lives around the world in this day and age. I invite you to try this method of personal change and witness for yourself that you are truly in charge of your life.

Priorities, Goals, and the Threat of Addiction

Your direction in life is dependent upon your personal priorities and goals. In this exercise, you are invited to examine your innermost drives and aspirations, so that they may serve to put your habits into perspective as compulsions which may not accurately represent who you have been, who you have become, and who you are growing to be.

Now, most have hobbies, which serve to pass the time and satisfy us in meaningful ways. When such activities become dysfunctional for us and/or those whom we affect in life, however, change becomes perhaps necessary, and we are faced with an important decision – we can either re-direct ourselves to healthier activities or persist in what is then called “addiction.”

This exercise examines your priorities and goals – your desired life direction – so that you may better know yourself and so become capable of contrasting your core self with what addictive mentality may “hijack” your will with habitual compulsion. In the light of this awareness, you may begin to more clearly see the personal necessity of healthy change.

My General Priorities: _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My Specific Goals: _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Threats to My Priorities and Goals: __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Possible Solutions to These Problems: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Cost / Benefit Analysis of Crucial Life Decisions

This chart is a tool for those who wish to re-examine the costs and benefits of any habitual behavior or change being considered. Mindfulness of such pro’s and con’s is crucially important for sensible decision-making and healthy life habits to emerge for those plagued with addictive cycles.

Costs of Benefits of

Costs of Benefits of

Costs of Benefits of

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Decision-Mindfulness (Awareness of Choice)

Acting on “auto-pilot” can allow you to “get out of your own way” when it comes to many healthy behaviors, maximizing your functionality by relying on “muscle memory” and “second nature” to guide you true.

However, when one falls into dysfunctional cycles of craving and the satisfaction of that perceived need, it becomes necessary to maximize one’s awareness of the many small decisions which add up to create an addictive behavior, thereby interrupting what has become an automatic self-sabotage.

What follows is the story of my development of this particular technique:

In my early twenties, I was a heavy cigarette smoker. It got to the point where my health was rapidly deteriorating, so I began to think about how to curb my habit. After much struggle and reflection, I developed a strategy – which was to become mindful of each small decision that I made along the way, to take control of my addiction. From pulling out a cigarette and lighter, to putting the cigarette to my mouth and striking the lighter, to lighting the cigarette and taking each hit, to putting the cigarette out, what I discovered was that I could curb this habit simply by judiciously using my awareness of each of my decisions along the way and asking myself with each “hit”, whether or not I really needed that hit. I quickly noticed that I only really craved the first few hits, after which I was in the routine of habitually smoking the cigarette down, just because cigarettes were expensive, and I didn’t want to waste them. So I began to put them out early and smoke the half-smoked butts when I would finish off a pack. In just a few weeks’ time, I had kicked the habit, and I didn’t smoke again for several years.

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Begin to consider each decision on the path of your addictive process, in the light of the goals which you may have gained or reinforced with the previous pages’ exercises, to become more fully aware of the step-by-step process by which you meet your addictive needs, while becoming more mindful of the previously unseen options with which you might redirect yourself at any point of choice along the way.

Ultimately, you may wean yourself off of your dysfunctional habits and settle into a healthier auto-pilot which more accurately reflects your desired direction in life. Taking the reins in order to make this change is vital for the successful resolution of addiction. It is this author’s hope that those who are exposed to such wisdom are able to recognize it as such and choose health.Dealing with Likely Future Situations of Temptation

What makes a situation risky for your continued sobriety and therefore dangerous for mental and/or physical health? More to the point, how did it come to pass that you settled into the unhealthy rut of addiction in the first place? It might be wise to reflect on how it took over your life so easily.

Were you compelled to “fit in” (Y/N)? Were you interested in the adventure of it (Y/N)? Were you simply trying to cope with overwhelming emotions, such as anxiety or boredom (Y/N)? Did the reason for continuing your behavior change as you became increasingly dependent (Y/N)?

These forces still potentially exist within your soul, remaining as triggers for relapse. Such lapses of good decision-making are said to be “par for the course” and may end up reinforcing your habits’ healthy closure as you use your experience and insight to “nip it in the bud” more consistently.

Vulnerability for relapse must be taken into account as an obstacle to be dealt with, of course. Finding healthy alternative solutions to the problems which act as your triggers is an important effort in which to succeed. Becoming emotionally well and socially well-supported could hardly steer you back into self-destruction, as it satisfies the valid underlying needs.

Consider the following advice:1. Avoid situations which may enable and tempt a relapse.2. When tempted, stay mindful of your desired life direction.3. When emotionally distraught, practice your coping skills.

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Affirm your progress and have faith in yourself to be mature enough not to chase after every single life pleasure – using your mindfulness, for example, that quick highs often precede quick lows, thus fueling the addictive cycle. Employing your growing wisdom to gradually make life better in more sustainable ways, such as reinforcing the health of your relationships, is a more practical perspective to keep and a more sensible course to take.

Mature decisions come from a mature mindset, of course, and so, if we want better lives for ourselves and those whom we affect in life, we must cultivate a deeper understanding of effective ethical wisdom which we learn to act upon and live with, in our ever-changing lives of personal growth.

Emotional Wisdom – Learning to Feel Well

The following reflections on suffering and happiness may serve to keep emotions in perspective and enable the reader’s natural well-being.

What are the upsides of suffering?

Learning Effective Ways to Cope Learning to Relate with Others’ Suffering Developing a Deeper, More Profound Soul Developing a Deeper Appreciation of Well-Being Accumulating a Broader Range of Life Experience Earning Higher Worth, Known to Self (and God, if God Exists)

How may I better cope with stress?

Express Catharsis and Find Closure (Counseling, Journaling) Deal with your Stressor (Assertiveness, Problem-Solving)

What are the basic forms of well-being?

Peace – From An Absence of Fear Love – From An Absence of Hate Joy – From An Absence of Sadness A Good Laugh – Appreciation of Absurdity A Good Cry – Immersion in the Profound

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A Good Romance – Intimate or Feral A Good Fight – Playful or Serious A Good Run – Exercise or Life-Sustaining Disinhibition – Feeling Loose and Free Success – Meeting Goals and Satisfying Cares Acceptance – Seeing that Life Happens as It Must

How may I get and stay happy?

Let Go of Negative Fixations and Live Beyond Fixation on Desires Well-Being Emerges Naturally from Calm, Neutral States of Being

Growing into a Healthy, Empowered Sense of Self

Those of us who view ourselves as mentally healthy and socially assertive tend to possess the inner resolve and easy strength which is necessary to maintain abstinence from addiction. How may I grow into such a healthy self-concept, you may ask? The longer you maintain your self-restraint, the easier it becomes and the more comfortable you’ll feel in your “new skin”.

This shift in identity is simply the necessary growth of an evolving, adaptive soul which has come to the realization that the dysfunctional past must be left behind if one is to move forward in life, ever closer to the success which one values above the short-term “high” of some depraved, compulsive behavior.

I now invite you to affirm this change for yourself, so that you may begin to cement the process of your personal progress toward mindful decision-making and an identity which now says “No” to destructive behavior, for the sake of a better future for itself and those whom that soul affects in life.

I suggest a shift in mindset toward a higher personal dignity, which will form the foundation of your healthy new behaviors – decisions of speech and action which represent a soul which acts not from a place of deficiency, but from a state of relative inner peace and confidence in its ability to achieve the goals which it sets out to accomplish.

This core confidence, joined with more wisely ordered priorities, bears significance not just for the quelling of addiction, but also in terms of living

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with a healthy sense of purpose and for the fulfillment we feel from success in the actualization of that life-purpose by meeting the challenges which are encountered all along the way.

A Look at Your Life DirectionGoals: _______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ Challenges: ___________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________Strengths: ____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

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Addiction in Perspective

Life offers us many choices – some healthy, some not. The activities which we engage in enrich us with life experience and personal meaning, and it is these rewards which compel us to make habits of our behaviors, for better or worse. Our attempts to create well-being (through our words and actions) train us to pursue certain hobbies, and I submit that is important to recognize when those hobbies are working for or against our values and goals.

In this spirit, please consider who, I submit, almost all of us are – naturally social souls attuned to a harmony which, for many, no longer exists. In the absence of such healthy relationships, one feels a deep sense of dissatisfaction, as this harmony is essential for the most souls’ well-being. As a result, many become fixated on addictive mirages of happiness (like money, drugs, and power) – illusions which some elements in society tragically present as central to a happy life.

While these fixations may grant temporary satisfaction or relief from a nagging desire, it is my experience that only social harmony is adequate to grant meaningful well-being – a finding which I hope is shared by my audience. In the process of shedding the dysfunctional fixations of addiction, one must re-focus one’s priorities, confronting dysfunctional urges with mindfulness of the tragic nature of unhealthy habits and what natural alternative is attainable and sustainable for our souls.

Personal Priorities: _____________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hobbies and Habits: ____________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Crucial Changes: _______________________________________________

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_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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III. Healthy Relationships

This section of perspectives and questions was intended as a guide to help facilitate better relationships in the reader’s life. From conflict resolution to ideal relating, these exercises have been designed to reinforce the essential social qualities of grace and love, so that participants might grow to be better able to maintain healthy relationships.

The bonds we grow are strengthened by the harmony which emerges when we realize that our differences can be a good thing – that they enrich our potential and open our minds to other ways of thinking and being. So I ask you: Why not live with as much openness and curiosity as you can cultivate within your heart and mind?

It is the author’s hope that this collection of insight will go beyond merely affirming healthy values, to help the reader to hone the essential social skills with which one may function better in life’s many important interactions.

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Consider the following list of exercises contained within this section of the Mental Health Essentials workbook:

1.A Healthy Spirit2.Foundations of the Heart3.Essential Ethics4.Maintaining Grace5.Assertiveness6.Breaking Through7.The Significance of Emotion

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A Healthy Spirit

Hope enough to dream…Faith enough to cope…

Wisdom, what to say or do which fosterswhat is best for whom you love… built on:

insight (knowledge of the self),which lets one rightly speak, assertive;

empathy (to know another),helping one to peacefully relate; and

balanced ethic (recognizing each soul’s worth),which forms the warm foundation of esteem –all for our social harmony, why we feel well…

How does your idea of mental health compare with this?

What are the highlights of this poem for you? Explain...

How might these ideas be useful in your own life?

Has this poem changed your perspective? In what way?

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Foundations of the Heart

Love is the emotion of highest regard, shined upon another,warming hearts in its fulfilling energy.

From pain compelling self-endearment, to peace flowing in warm regard,the heart moves to love and understanding.

Kindness is felt in the reflected warmth of one’s expressions of good will.The embrace is an extension of regard, and a reassurance of acceptance.

So I say, I accept you, faults and all, as I would wish you would for me,because together we are more than otherwise we’d grow to be.

How do you feel about these perspectives on the nature of love?

Do you feel better equipped to care for those in your life?

Were these insights already a part of your intuition?

What views of yours are related to this exercise?

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Essential Ethics

We all have basic freedom of thought, speech, and action, though with this freedom come consequences for others as well as those imposed upon us by the world in which we participate. Acceptance of this reality is a basic acknowledgement of responsibility for one’s states of mind and the resulting expressions of self.

Yet, are all people this mature? No, so we have law. Law is a system of balancing what may be called “Freedom From” and “Freedom To.” “The freedom to extend your fist,” one may say, “ends where my freedom from violence begins.” This expresses the basic social contract of Mutual Nonviolence, which intuitively keeps the peace among we good souls who are driven by a natural desire for peace, love, and harmony, rather than these states’ opposites – excitement, contempt, and horror – fixations from which violence may tragically result.

So, other than a soul’s healthy drive for peace, love, and harmony, what reason is there to care about one’s fellow man? Can one understand the fundamental logic of morality at a deeper level and mature accordingly? Consider the following: One is not alone in life, but co-exists with other souls. This is ethically significant, in that it is not only oneself who matters, but others, as well, whose perspectives make sense to them, just as mine makes sense to me, compelling our respective actions in comparable ways, with universal emotions, or “action energies,” which one cannot easily avoid experiencing.

Does moral criticism truly walk in others’ shoes enough to see the inescapable process of one’s consciousness and forgive it as such? Consider this a seed for true awareness of our common humanity – an attempt to establish the validity of the notion of Universal Worth, which may be seen to increase through one’s caring and suffering, yet, conversely, cannot be extinguished. Perhaps Mahatma Gandhi understood this “universal worth” when he taught his followers to “hate the sin yet love the sinner.” One feels the tragedy of evil but keeps the love which one may learn to see as morally right, from a certain ethical perspective.

Of course, evil must be dealt with, for the closure of those affected, as well as for the prevention of future crime. Without ethical consideration for the presumed criminal, however, further tragedy is enacted in the form of the suffering of the wayward soul whom society so prevalently demonizes. Clearly, a balance must be struck between resolute righteousness and caring compassion, as well as between the societal efficacy of law and one’s ideals of forgiveness and empathy for even the selfish and violent.

For those who may not be so open-hearted and accepting in their views of those whose hearts lack basic human warmth, I acknowledge that such views are arguably just as valid as those I advocate earlier in this essay. A being in pain, however, is a horror to be concerned about as an ethical being, I feel, despite that being’s sins.

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Maintaining Grace

Maintaining grace in the face of aggressionenables a stable and able response.

So we under-react, with tolerant tact,or assert that we're hurt and are not without worth.

There's a better way than the bitter way;expressing concerns without getting stern is

one way which one mayharm only that which afflicts harmony,

keeping eyes on the prize –greater peace’s new leases on life,

waiting there in the carebreaking walls down for all

who are growing the knowingwe need as the seed

for such unity in our community’sstrife-solving, evolving life.

What is your understanding of this poem’s message?

Do you agree with the insights displayed in this work?

Which of it stand out as wise or unwise, helpful or not?

How might this apply to your life’s social challenges?

What change might you bring to your next conflict?

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Assertiveness

“Assertiveness” – Perhaps you’ve heard the word and some soul’s understanding of it, but do you have a firm, functional grasp on this communication style? For that matter, why is this social skill so important for your particular life? Is it really cure-all for your relationships’ problems? Let us begin by describing its extreme counterparts (passiveness and aggression) and work on conveying the functionality of assertiveness as a final point.

Passiveness is when you decline to assert your valid needs, concerns, and emotions which have apparently stemmed from another’s words or actions. In deciding not to “make a fuss,” you are perhaps taking the most selfless and cautious approach, yet letting problems fester without curative action.

Aggression is when you let an agitated emotion and behavior get the better of you and try to get your needs met by expressing hurtful words and actions in response to what, for you, is another’s problematic behavior. Why doesn’t this work? It destroys relationships and drives people away, encouraging further conflict, when there is almost always a more effective solution to your social stressor – like assertiveness.

Assertiveness is the act of expressing your apparently unseen or disregarded emotions and needs in a manner which is nonjudgmental of your conflict’s counterpart. The method works by giving a caring soul a conscientious reason to change or correct a dysfunctional behavior and heal the rift created by the problematic words or act. Passivity doesn’t express your needs, and aggression just creates more conflict, but assertiveness helps to ground the exchange in a calm, rational tone, allowing the other soul to caringly change without the compulsion to rebel or ignore others’ needs.

A final word – even assertiveness isn’t foolproof. Some don’t care, and anger can be almost impossible to separate from an attempt at assertiveness, causing the problems usually associated with aggression – escalated tensions and reactive indignation. Yet, it is a vital skill for healthy relationships. While it may not always work, especially as you are just starting to learn to use it effectively, it may be your best bet at encouraging a solution which works for all concerned individuals in the relationship or situation.

Describe a situation of conflict which assertiveness might have helped with.

What specific communications might have helped to resolve this conflict?

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Breaking ThroughWho's right? Who's wrong? Will every side ever agree?

Whose version of events truly represents reality?Whose arguments don't have another half that's contradictory

to the fraction that that faction holds of the whole story?

Things seeming true to me don't make sense to you.Can reality exceed a point of view?

Can one see past one's past?Can I break through what I've been through?

Do our eyes see different hues?What is life like in different shoes?

If I choose to admit that I don't know, what do I lose?

...when the walls are down, when we've made it through,and when we speak with love, in no desire to

control or to defend all that we spend our lives clinging to,we see: we don't need it, when we break through.

Do you agree with the general sentiment of open-mindedness in this poem?

Do you agree that our relationships get stronger when we let our defenses go?

Which of this poem’s ideas affected you most profoundly?

What are the upsides of holding onto your perspective in a conflict?

What are the downsides of habitually trying to win your arguments?

Has this poem opened your mind to better relating and relationships?

Do you agree to carry its message forward in your future social interactions?

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The Significance of Emotion

Our cares add meaning to our thoughts, generating our emotions, giving our lives the significance which makes them matter ethically and to each social soul whose will is compelled by every feeling’s useful energy, described below:

The Acceptance EmotionsPeace – Promoting harmony with a calm emotional climateLove – Promoting harmony with a caring emotional climateJoy – Promoting harmony with a cheerful emotional climate

The Non-Acceptance EmotionsFear – Resolving conflict by avoidanceAnger – Resolving conflict by confrontationSadness – Resolving conflict by appeal to compassion

What do you care about?

What has been happening with regard to your cares?

How do you feel about this?

Do you see your emotions as valid?

What actions feel emotionally appropriate?

Do you see such actions as healthy and functional?

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IV. Leadership

Effective leadership is fundamental to the successful pursuit of group endeavors, including the socialization of each generation, professional training, and economic enterprise. The continued existence of tribes and nations has historically rested most heavily on the shoulders of leaders, including new leaders upon whose shoulders it falls to help their followers to evolve and adapt to their ever-changing world.

This final section of the workbook concerns itself with the effective guidance of you who would guide the next generation in the pursuit of meaningful success. While leadership styles vary greatly, we examine the effects of each and work to understand just what makes one style better or worse than any other.

Consider the exercises which follow this introduction:

1. The Story of Sensible Sam2. Child and Parent Argue about Parenting3. The Power Trap4. Leadership Styles5. Identity Plasticity6. Modifying Behavior7. Levels of Care

Being a leader means conveying a compelling and effective vision of success for others to find inspiration enough in to wish to follow. It may also mean understanding the dynamics and process of the task at hand enough to teach it to those who wish to participate in the group’s endeavors. Each individual has his or her place in the collective and helps to realize the potential of the group – by learning and, in time, to lead.

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The Story of Sensible Sam

Sensible Sam wanted to live a long and happy life. When good things were possible, Sam worked to make them happen. And when bad things like Danger threatened, Sam made sure to avoid them.

Sam was young, though, and didn’t know what all was dangerous in the world. Sam had to trust Mom and Dad to know and to teach at the natural pace of life.

Sam was very curious to know their reasons, of course, and often asked “why” when Mom or Dad pointed out Danger. They often made Sam promise to avoid it, once they had explained just how it was so dangerous.

Once, Sam pain them no mind and started to do something which Mom knew was Very dangerous. Little Sam did not know it was so dangerous, but when Mom shouted his name in fear, intuition let Sam know that stopping was the wisest thing to do.

Mom hugged Sam in relief. “We’re going to have a talk about this thing and staying safe. You have to trust me, Sam. I’ve been around for long enough to know.”

Sam trusted Mom and felt badly for scaring her. “I just want you to be safe,” Mom said with a kiss to her child’s forehead. Sam was happy to be safe and loved, and so were Mom and Dad.

Sam made sure to play it safer and safer with each lesson and trust in the wisdom which Mom and Dad taught and lived as an example to Sensible Sam.

How were Sam’s parents able to teach Sam to avoid danger?

How do you think this method of teaching compares to punishment?

Do you think that punishment has a place in raising children? Explain.

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Child and Parent Argue about Parenting

Child: Ow! Fine! I refuse to participate in your culture of violence, pending your ethical conversion to nonviolence and respect for my soul’s basic worth. I will continue to judge your expressions of ethic.

Parent: What?? It is for your own good!

Child: No, it gives me guilt and anger. Guilt added to anger creates evil. Don’t you see? When you feel like you’re a bad person, and you want to hurt people, you’re evil! What are you trying to do??

Parent: You did something wrong!

Child: Mistakes are to be learned from, with appropriate guidance. That you don’t trust my intent indicates that you have fundamental mistrust, a dark and dysfunctional view of human nature. Please stop projecting that onto me.

Parent: People are evil – they need to be held accountable for their actions, you idiot!

Child: A personal attack – that is not ethical behavior in a logical debate. To counter your error of reasoning, I submit that reward and punishment create that kind of person, through their focus on consequences for oneself.

Parent: What are you even talking about?? I’m giving you up for adoption!

Child: It’s for the best. I need to spread my enlightenment so that the future leaders of the world may find their ethical ground.

Parent: Fine – Whatever!

Child: I’d say that it’s been nice knowing you, but… you’re mean.

Does the child’s point of view represent your own perspective at any point in your life?

Do you think that this point of view is valid or, on the other hand, lacks wisdom?

Do you see how easily one may take the parent’s point of view in some situations?

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The Power Trap

Callous hearts shouldn’t wield power, but power callouses hearts.Permission to pull rank enables judgmental coldness to emerge.Superior status inflates the ego, and “lessers” are less respected.

Relationships are lost to the perception of one’s harder heart.This may be inevitable – authority tempts a stalwart disregard.One must learn to see every soul as valid in a most basic sense.

With consideration of one’s story, thoughts and cares gain context.In understanding, empathy dissolves one’s rank and ego.

Without the role of power, one returns to softer heart.Humanity is thus restored, and a cautionary tale is born.

Softer hearts that know of power know that it’s a tragic trap.

Do you agree with the assertion that power roles are a corrupting influence on people?

Do you see that people usually respond to coldness with coldness and to warmth with warmth?

Do you agree that maintaining your positive regard for others may help you to avoid conflict?

Do you think that if you really understood what a person has been through, you might soften your view on his or her shortcomings?

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Leadership Styles

Authoritarian – A strict approach which expresses sentiments like, “Do as I tell you or else!” The following are common reactions:

Passive Response (It becomes hard to express or “find” oneself.) Rebellion Response (Confidence enables defensive righteousness.) Conversion Response (A coercive approach to interactions is learned.)

Permissive – A hands-off approach which basically says, “Do whatever you want – you’re free to make your own decisions in life.” Future behavior will then depend upon life’s many role models and one’s unique growth of personal values and views.

Care and Reason – Leads in a balanced, rational way. For example, “That is a real person, who really matters, same as you and me. Why don’t we all calm down and try to get along?” This approach can be highly effective if the leader understands the subject on which he or she is leading and is an effective communicator in that regard.

What do you think should be the primary concerns of a leader?

Which leadership style do you think might be most effective for these concerns?

Why would this style of leadership be more effective than the others?

What is your personal experience with this different style of leadership?

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Identity Plasticity

Sense of self is, in part, the ground from which thoughts and actions emerge. Crucially, if one is “called names” by those one respects, those names tend to “stick” to some degree, reinforcing the notion of one’s ever-changing self as unchanging in a certain way. Simply internalizing another’s directed esteem, be it tone of voice, facial expression, or body language, sends the suggestible mind a powerful message of projected esteem, which can be insidious in affecting one’s self-concept.

A soul may, of course, attempt to maintain his or her identity by insulating against hurtful relationships, thereby protecting one’s self-respect from erosion and shift, but a certain nagging doubt may remain with a person for some time. One may find oneself wondering, unacknowledged beneath a mood of insecurity: Am I good enough? A basic acknowledgment that we are so suggestible to the social content of our lives – even when it’s not directed at us – may come easily to many, given how deeply aware we are that we learn constantly throughout our uniquely growing and ultimately self-defining lives.

Yet we tend to think of ourselves as the same people through our lives’ many lessons. But is that really as rational as it feels? I challenge you to think of your earliest memories and consider how different you are today. Consider your unique path of growth through life’s many interests, hobbies, and relationships. Are you not a different incarnation of person now and at every point of time throughout your life? All that endures is change, to quote the ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus, despite our instinctive impressions on the matter, and much of this change comes from our interactions with others.

The implications of this are enormous. Every person in a position of authority has significant power, for better or for worse, to affect real people. In the home, school, workplace, military, prison, or treatment center, we are all suggestible to some degree. It is for this reason that I advise authorities to consider well, just how they think of – and therefore treat – their subordinates of such obvious plasticity. It is my assertion therefore that such labels as “brat”, “criminal”, and “addict” have no place in our civil discourse, despite what the status quo may think of the matter. People change in every moment and grow to leave such labels behind.

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Modifying Behavior

“Softies” and The Hard-of-Heart

Soft Power is the influence one has over others through one’s personable charisma.Hard Power is the influence one has over others through violence and intimidation.

One of these fosters healthy relationships and emotional climate, and the other destroys such social essentials. One inspires emulation and respect of goodness, while the other incites rebellion and fear of authoritarian badness. One builds up compassionate “softies” who think the best of people, and the other instills a hard heart which is jaded to a cynicism regarding others. How one meets and treats the world decides that soul’s social “ripple” in life. Which life would you wish to have? Who you are is an ongoing, mindful decision.

Conditioning, Conformity, and Conscience

There are three basic reasons why a social being refrains from hurting those around him or her when he or she realizes that a behavior being considered may cause harm:

Conditioning affects one’s sense of consequences through the behavioral associations of reward and punishment.Conformity affects one’s sense of consequences through fear of rejection, playing on one’s desire to belong.Conscience affects one’s sense of consequences through a basic caring for those one holds in high esteem.

The implications of these insights amount to wisdom for the behavioral corrections of any who are mature enough to be affected by the attempted induction of these modifiers of thought, speech, and action.

Insights on Negative Esteem

Shame has to do with what others think of you.Guilt has to do with how you feel about yourself.Self-Doubt allows the conversion of Shame to Guilt.Self-Assurance allows one to battle both Shame and Guilt.

Along this line of thought, perhaps one functional purpose of introspection is to come to a deeper understanding of oneself, thus empowering one’s assertiveness with personal insight and conversely enabling apologetic maturity with the informed closure of defensiveness and an honest acknowledgement of responsibility for one’s mindset, words, and acts. Healthy, balanced self-esteem comes along with this maturity, as well as with a mindfulness of personal success or failure grounded in the honest acknowledgement of one’s propensity to care.

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Levels of Care

In the interest of a deeper understanding of what personal values one may possess, this essay explores some useful categories with which one’s conscience may be described. I organize these pathologies of basic motivation into what I term the Levels of Care, which are as follows:

Level 0 (Nihilism) is a complete lack of care – a personally and socially destructive and dangerous point of view for any to carry through life.

Level 1 (Hedonism) cares only for the pleasure one may glean from life, perhaps heedless of another being’s possible resulting pain.

Level 2 (Tribalism) looks out for the good of a select in-group, in short-sighted concerns of love and/or pragmatism.

Level 3 (Moralism) cares for the well-beings of all good and moral, genuinely caring souls, whether or not they are known to the moralist.

Level 4 (Universalism) identifies a basic worth in all beings and sees all suffering as tragic, rejecting the paradigm of severity, even for evil.

One’s conscience may be accurately described by more than one of the Levels, of course. This exploration is intended as fuel for the generation of personal insight and social empathy, yet may fall short as definitive. Ultimately, what resonates with you is what will be carried on as bearing truth for you. The true test is in your understanding and your life. Your perspective decides the weight of these words and the potential wisdom which may be found within.

From 0-10, circle the extent to which each of the levels now describes you.

Level 0 (Nihilism) 0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10Level 1 (Hedonism) 0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10Level 2 (Tribalism) 0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10Level 3 (Moralism) 0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10Level 4 (Universalism) 0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10

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Conclusion

I hope that you have found this workbook to be helpful. I wrote it both as a form of self-therapy and with the goal of sharing my insights with the world at large. Please excuse its brevity – I organized it while mindful to stay focused on topics which I felt were of the highest utility for my potential readers and which flowed well with the rest of the materials I had assembled.

If you have had any personal epiphanies while reading my words, then I should be satisfied that some good has come of my efforts. I believe that this is likely, so I am happy to be finishing the book and putting it out there for people such as yourself to find and explore.

I invite you to share any positive experiences which these exer-cises may have facilitated. I would assume that there are people in your life who could benefit from the deepening of insight which this text has perhaps enabled in your heart and mind, and this proliferation would satisfy my desire to achieve meaningful suc-cess as a person of care, as it might for you as well.

Wishing you the best,

John Joseph Rohrer

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