Relational Aggression WorkshopTips & Tools for Mentors

By Renée Haber

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Part 1

Language &

Research

Part 1

Language &

Research

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Conflict is normal.

The Teasing Continuum from Barbara Coloroso’sThe Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander

Teasing

• Both people swap roles w/ease• Is innocent, not intended to hurt• Maintains everyone’s dignity• Is meant to make both people

laugh• Stops when someone becomes

upset

Bullying

• Is based on an imbalance of power

• Is sinister, intended to harm• Involves humiliation, demeaning

comments disguised as jokes• Laughter is at the target, not with

the target• Continues especially after

someone becomes upset

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Topics Off Limits To All:

Race, Religion, Physical Attributes, Gender, Mental Ability

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Bullying . . .

Three Criteria Intention to harm Carried out repeatedly Relationship characterized by

an imbalance of power

Negative actions carried out by physical contact, words, making faces, gestures, rumors, intentional exclusion (Olweus, 1997)

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Michael Thompson’s top 3 criteriafor popularity:

Boys:SportsSize

Humor

Girls:Looks

ClothesCharisma

The computer is the great equalizer!

What gives some kids more power than others?

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Bullying (Peer Aggression) can be . . .Physical: harm or threat of harm to a person or

his/her property

Verbal: spoken acts of harm (threats, putdowns, name calling)

Relational: intending to hurt someone by harming their relationships

Cyber: the use of information & communication technologies to support deliberate and repeated hostile behavior (beware of cumulative effect)

It’s all harassment – creates a hostile environment,and interferes with a student’s ability to learn!

Examples of Cyberbullying• Masquerading - pretending to be someone

else while sending/posting harassing material

• Flaming – sending angry, rude or vulgar messages

• Outing/Trickery – sending/posting sensitive, private or embarrassing information about a person. Attempting to solicit embarrassing information that is then made public.

8(The Ophelia Project, 2012)

Examples of Relational Aggression

• Exclusion• Ignoring (silent treatment)

• Name calling

• Put downs/taunting

• Alliance building

• Gossip/Rumor spreading

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© 2005 The Ophelia Project

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Where does bullying most frequently happen?

1. Hallways2. Playgrounds3. Cafeterias4. Bathrooms5. Buses6. Internet, etc.

What do all these places have in common?

Minimal adult supervision!

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The Latest Research (from Ophelia and others)

• RA is equally as harmful as physical aggression.

• Studies show girls are as aggressive as boys.

• RA can be seen in children as young as preschool and appears to peak in middle school.

• Peer Aggression may be related to loneliness, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, cutting, substance abuse and suicide.

• Aggressive behavior is stable over time – it will not go away by itself!

• Several studies show that more aggressive bullies often have criminal records later in life.

• A recent CAPS survey of 6th & 7th graders on LI found that 83% said their school had a bullying problem; 45% said it was significant or severe.

Why is bullying worse today?Dr. Dorothy Espelage, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, suspects it's related to a growing trend among parents - arranging playdates: "One hypothesis might be that the reliance of parents on playdates ... is sending this message that if you're not in this particular playdate you're being excluded."

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(NPR, 2002)

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2 Basic Types of Aggressors:

Proactive Aggressor: Hurts someone to gain power(the antidote is empathy)

Reactive Aggressor: Hurts someone to retaliate (the antidote is forgiveness)

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There are 2 different kinds of victims:

• The Passive Victim - This type of victim is submissive, often alone and insecure, signaling that he or she is an easy target and will not retaliate.

• The Provocative Victim - This type of victim behaves in ways that may be characterized as annoying (ex: an ADHD child with poor impulse control).

According to Barbara Coloroso: “The kid with physical and/or mental

disabilitiesis 2-3 times more likely to be bullied.”

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The Roles Children PlayThe Roles Children Play Aggressor (often called the bully)Aggressor (often called the bully) Bystander (the kid in the middle)Bystander (the kid in the middle) Target (the victim of the aggressor Target (the victim of the aggressor **)) Defender/Upstander Defender/Upstander

(the one who stops the aggressor)(the one who stops the aggressor)

* It is important to recognize the It is important to recognize the differencedifference

between the words target & victim.between the words target & victim.Just because a child is targeted,Just because a child is targeted,

she does not have to become a victim!she does not have to become a victim!

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T

A

S

F

D

PD

K

The Bully Circle(Adapted from Olweus, 1999)

The Bully Circle(Adapted from Olweus, 1999)

The AggressorsStart the bullying

Take an active part but does not start the

bullying

Support the bullying, but do not take an active part

Watch what happens; “is none of our business; don’t take a stand

Dislike the bullying and thinkthey ought to help (but don’tdo it)

Dislike the bullying andtry to help the targetFollowers

Passive Supporters

Bystanders

Possible defenders

Target

Defenders

Kids in the Middle

© 2005 The Ophelia Project

Roles of Covert Aggression

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Victims Aggressors

Majority of students switch roles consistently.

Need to address the role of

REVENGE.

8-15% 8-15%This is fluid!!

KIMKIMKIMKIM

© 2005 The Ophelia Project

The Kids in the Middle…• Are about 70-80% of children

• Intervene about 15% of the time, yet have a high success rate!!!

• Have similar feelings to the victim and may show lasting effects

• Need a safe, supportive environment

• Need to learn strategies

• Are the key to stopping peer aggression!

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Elie Wiesel: The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.

Warning Signs of a Child Who is Bullied

1. Shows an abrupt lack of interest in, or refusal to go to, school.

2. Takes an unusual route to school; does not want to ride the bus.

3. Experiences a drop in grades.4. Withdraws from family & school activities, wants to be

alone.5. Has few or no friends.6. Becomes aggressive, irritable or quick tempered7. Hungry after school; says he lost his lunch money or

wasn’t hungry at school.8. Taking parents money.9. Runs to bathroom when she gets home.

19The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander

Warning Signs Continued10. Is sad, angry or scared after receiving a phone call or

e-mail.11. Does something out of character.12. Uses derogatory or demeaning language when talking

about peers.13. Stops talking about peers & everyday activities.14. Has disheveled, torn or missing clothing.15. Has physical injuries inconsistent with explanation.16. Has stomachaches, headaches, panic attacks,

nightmares, is unable to sleep, sleeps too much, is exhausted.

17. Is overly concerned about personal safety.

20The Bully, the Bullied, and the

Bystander

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Part 2

Empowering Through

Coaching

Part 2

Empowering Through

Coaching

What’s the difference betweentattling and reporting?

• Tattling – is about getting someone in trouble.

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• Reporting – is about keeping someone safe.

It’s a difference of intention!

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Empowering the KIM• Mt. Everest Story – bravery/fear/courage• Explore HERO stories & the truth about

strength• Magic words: According to Dr. Craig, If

one child says, ‘Stop it!’ it can end the bullying in 10 seconds.”

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How many friends does the average kid have?

Experts say . . .

Five

But, she only needs . . .

One!

Toni Morrison, 2000Toni Morrison, 2000

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“Does your face light up when

your child walks in the

room?”

Regarding friendship…Regarding friendship…

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… … Safety in numbers.Safety in numbers.

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Helping Children Make Friends• Make a list, with the child of everything she/he

is good at (ex: math, art, sports, dancing, singing, sharing, etc.) and say, “Anyone would want to be your friend!”

• Personal hygiene; it’s important!

• Compliment 3 people a day.

• Be a good listener – it makes others feel important.

• Practice smiling – look in the mirror.

• Look people in the eye when talking to them.

How Kids Make Friends…Secrets for Making Lots of Friends, No Matter How Shy You Are

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Tips to try if you’re shy . . .1. Start the day by saying hi to at

least 1 person; or, tell someone teasing you to stop.

2. Prepare for Conversation - Make a list of 3 topics you’re comfortable talking about and use it with someone you’d like to know better.

3. Invite someone to get together.

Stick Up For Yourself! Every Kid’s Guide To Personal Power & Positive Self-Esteem

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Coaching Kids

Advice for Mentors

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Questions to ask your mentees:

• Are there any bullies in your class?

• What kinds of things do they do or say?

• Are there kids in your class who tend to get picked on?

• Do they ever bully you?

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How to Respond:► Take the child seriously, and reassure

him it’s not his fault.

► Listen with empathy, and share a time you went through something similar.

► Ask, “What have you done so far? Do any teachers know?” Help identify adults to go to for help.

► Say you will help HER solve the problem.

► Brainstorm a list of options to try (good and bad).

► Role play responses to bullies.

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Advice for Parents of Victims

Don’t . . .•Don’t confront the bully’s parent (unless it’s someone you know really well - this is the exception, NOT the rule).

•Don’t overreact! You might make things worse.

Do . . .•Do use a well-rounded approach! Inform the school and “coach” the kid (use role play).

•Do keep a written record (calendar); take pictures if there is physical evidence.

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The Don’ts . . .

•Don’t cry (it gives the bully more power).

•Don’t try to get revenge (it will make the bullying increase).

•Don’t fight back (bullies are often stronger).

•Don’t skip school.

The Do’s . . .

•Do stick up for yourself, with eye contact and a firm, confident voice (deeper & louder).

•Do stay calm, take deep breaths & walk away.

•Do practice positive self-talk.

•Do report bullying. Tell the adults who can help (parents, teachers, principals, bus drivers, etc.). Keep telling until you get the results you need.

Stick Up For Yourself! Every Kid’s Guide To Personal Power & Positive Self-Esteem

Advice for Kids/Victims

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Responding to Bullies:• Agree, then turn it into a Compliment:

“Yes, I am short. It must begreat to be tall like you.”– then, walk away from the Bully,toward other people.

• Give feedback: “Ouch. That hurts. I’m out of here.” – then, walk away from the Bully, toward other people.

• Make a simple statement: “I’m trying to like you, but you’re making it really hard.” – then, walk away from the Bully, toward other people.

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Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.

“In the end, we will remembernot the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”