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Mindful Communication

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MINDFUL COMMUNICATION FACILITATOR GUIDE for mindfulness based communication practice Inspired by the work of Jon Kabat-Zinn (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, MBSR, Mindfulness, Mindful Communication, Mindfulness Based Practices, Mindfulness at Work, Mindfulness in the Workplace) www.minfulnessatwork.org / Valérie Saintot / June 2010 [email protected]
Transcript
Page 1: Mindful Communication

MINDFUL COMMUNICATIONFACILITATOR GUIDE

for mindfulness based communication practiceInspired by the work of Jon Kabat-Zinn

(Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, MBSR, Mindfulness, Mindful Communication, Mindfulness Based Practices, Mindfulness at Work, Mindfulness in the Workplace)

www.minfulnessatwork.org / Valérie Saintot / June [email protected]

Page 2: Mindful Communication

Targeted users

When putting this presentation together I address it to users who:

are advanced practitioners/facilitators/teachers of MBSR or mindfulness practices

know the basic tools (formal and informal practices) that belong to the well spread mindfulness based therapies

are in search of impulses to bring their teaching/practice in relation to mindful communication further

Grateful to hear your opinion

www.mindfulnessatwork.org / [email protected]

Page 3: Mindful Communication

Background

This presentation is much inspired by the work of Jon Kabat-Zinn. Dilemna: quoting MBSR and being told that MAW is not MBSR / Not quoting MBSR and being told that MAW is MBSR. >>> “my” solution: quoting MBSR and calling it MAW hoping for unity versus separation.

The presentation describes what I do in Mindfulness at Work (MAW) sessions of 45 min I offer in the workplace including:

the set up of a typical session a theme for each session proposal of formal and informal practices

www.mindfulnessatwork.org / [email protected]

KEYWORDSMBSR / Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction / Mindfulness at Work

Jon Kabat Zinn / Mindful communication

Page 4: Mindful Communication

Mindfulness at Work (MAW)

MAW targets personal development rather than therapeutic healing (which is the ambition of MBSR). While MAW sessions are much modelled on MBSR sessions, various constitutive MBSR elements are not part of MAW sessions, namely:

The preliminary interview with participants does not take place systematically The duration of sessions is reduced to 45 minutes to fit workplace constraints As a consequence of the duration of the sessions, the part on personal inquiry is much

limited The formal commitment to practice is turned into an invitation to do so

MAW aims at Being an entry door into mindfulness based practices and leave to the participants the

responsibility to search for more Giving participants the chance to experience the oneness of being and the quality of

presence also in the workplace

www.mindfulnessatwork.org / [email protected]

Page 5: Mindful Communication

Use this presentation as a scientist This presentation is not a prescriptive approach to teaching

mindful communication.

Working hypothesis are proposed, so like a scientist: test > experiment rigorously > observe > enhance your learning > draw conclusions > fine tune your practice > etc.

Some of what is presented will not suit your needs while other parts will be transformative. Discovering what works or not for you is the self- discovery process at the heart of a mindful approach to life.

You are responsible for choosing what works and for letting go of the rest.

www.mindfulnessatwork.org / [email protected]

Page 6: Mindful Communication

About mindful communication

Since the mid-90s, brain studies have proven that it is not the strongest that survive but those who can best cooperate; one way of achieving successful cooperation is communication

Mindless communication does not necessarily take into account the person with whom we interact nor the context. It is only punctually and partially successful

Mindful communication facilitates fluid information exchange and processing. It allows to adjust dynamically moment after moment, avoiding that people only download past certainties or future plans

Mindful communication stimulates the ability to empathetically relate to others, to embrace the context and act with intention

www.mindfulnessatwork.org / [email protected]

Page 7: Mindful Communication

Session set up / 45-minute (can of course be longer…)

Introduction of the theme (5-7 min) Very few, well selected and focused messages on the theme of the

session Brief experiential learning (10 min)

For each theme a matching experiential learning excercise is proposed Formal practice in the classroom (20-25 min)

Usual MBSR practices (body scan, yoga, walking meditation, sitting meditation)

Invitation to informal practice outside the class (2 min) Closure (2 min)

Short sessions oblige the facilitator to be extremely clear in her/his intention and remove low added value statements from her/his contribution. It requires from the facilitator that she/he

embraces what is said with presence, so less becomes more. A good practice for facilitators to be mindful communicators .

www.mindfulnessatwork.org / [email protected]

Page 8: Mindful Communication

8 + 1 themes on mindful communication

1. Other people can be a source of stress in our lives2. Fighting or flying as default patterns in interpersonal relations3. Experiencing that ‘I am not my thoughts or feelings’4. Being in touch with ourselves without ‘selfing’5. Using connectedness to discover new perspectives6. Listening actively and suspending judgement7. Expanding the field of awareness to include the context8. Learning to assert mindfully9. ½ day workshop on mindful communication

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www.mindfulnessatwork.org / [email protected]

Page 9: Mindful Communication

1 Other people can be a source of stress in our lives

Introduction (5-7 minutes)Main messages:People stress: at work, at home, with our

families, friendsSources: misunderstanding, control,

unclear demand and expectationsCauses: not only external stressors: stress

comes from our way of interacting with the world and not only how the world interact with us

Coping strategies: acting out of habits, avoiding or creating conflicts, aggression or lethargy, auto-pilot

Experiential learning (up to 10 minutes)

ENCOUNTERS, walking in the room:Step 1: going fast and not caring for who is

aroundStep 2: slowing the pace and looking into the

eyes of people you cross without facial expression

Step 3: slowing even more and taking the time to say hello to each of the person you cross with a smile in your face

Informal practice10 minutes per day paying mindfully attention to your interactions with others (spot when you are paying attention as well as when you are not).

www.mindfulnessatwork.org / [email protected]

Formal practice (up to 25 min)Body scan: when guiding the body scan you may insist on the capacity of the body to communicate with the mind through the feedback it gives us via our physical perceptions, emotions and thoughts that are present during the practice

Page 10: Mindful Communication

2 Fighting or flying as default patterns in interpersonal relations (A/B)

Introduction (5-7 minutes)Main messages: Communication can be described as

an energy flow It implies a joining or a sharing When we are absorbed by our feelings

and own agenda, it is virtually impossible to have a genuine communication

In this case, opposing views may become stressful

Way out: building the ability to view the world from the other person view point

Experiential learning (up to 15 minutes)

AIKIDO OF COMMUNICATION: (details on following slide)

Step 1: passivity-aggressionStep 2: aggression-avoidanceStep 3: aggression-aggressionStep 4: mindfulness based stress response

Formal practice (up to 20 min)Body scan: when guiding the body scan you may insist on the capacity of the body to communicate with the mind through the feedback it gives us via our physical perceptions, emotions and thoughts that are present during the practice

Informal practice10 minutes per day paying attention to passivity, aggression, avoidance, unity in daiiy life

www.mindfulnessatwork.org / [email protected]

Page 11: Mindful Communication

2 Fighting or flying as default patterns in interpersonal relations (B/B)

Experiential learning (explanation)AIKIDO OF COMMUNICATION: two-partner exerciseStep 1: passivity-aggression: partner A lies on the floor totally passive while partner B

takes physically aggressive postures and threatening facial expressions, gesticulating as if Partner B would end up hitting partner A (without ultimately doing !). The facilitator stops the role play and ask participants to close their eyes and feel within how it is for them. Then partners change role.

Step 2: aggression-avoidance: partner A and B are standing. Partner A stands still. Partner B walks towards partner A with both feast/arms stretching forward without changing trajectory. Just before being impacted, partner A escapes sidewise. Then partners change role.

Step 3: aggression-aggression: partner A is challenged by partner B as above. This time partner A oppose feast/arms straight when partner B comes closer. Both resist and push on their heels (give the guidance that this is role play and power should be adjusted to help make the point but not to enter a fight ).

Step 4: mindfulness based stress response: the first three steps were about the stress reaction. This step is about the stress response. We are aware of the partner without loosing our own balance of mind. Grounded in our breath and seeing the situation as a whole. Partner A stands still. Partner B comes at partner A as above. Partner A grasp the wrists of partner B and come to partner B side still holding the wrists. Both partners are in confrontational contact but now looking together in the same direction.

Each of the steps carries a different message. In the ½ day workshop,repeating this with time for inquiry between each step at partner level and after step 4 in plenary can be a useful warm up for the workshop.

www.mindfulnessatwork.org / [email protected]

Page 12: Mindful Communication

3 Experiencing that ‘I am not my thoughts or feelings’

Introduction (5-7 minutes)Main messages: Believing we are our thoughts makes

us loose on our freedom to interact If we are aware that we are not our

thoughts or feelings, we increase our ability to listen and communicate with more presence and openness towards others without the risk on loosing our identity

Our thoughts are not the truth but an event that uses our mind to signal itself to our attention

The level of awareness we have of it conditions the quality of our communication

Experiential learning (up to 10 minutes)

NOT BEING OUR THOUGHTS:Step 1: the facilitator suggests thoughts asking

the participants to think sequentially ‘I am a frog’, ‘I am a table’, ‘I am a car’, ‘I am a computer’. After each, allow silent time for people to explore for themselves the impact.

Step 2: the facilitator uses directed thoughts less easy to not ‘believe’: ‘many people are not good at communicating’, ‘I do not communicate as good as I could’, ‘I am not a good communicator’. After each, allow silent time for people to explore for themselves the impact.

Formal practice (up to 25 min)Yoga in lying: during the practice, make the point that mindfulness is not only for the classroom but that it can take place in the middle of doing. The yoga movements bring the opportunity to be mindful while doing.

Informal practice10 minutes per day, keep on doing whatever you are doing and be mindful

www.mindfulnessatwork.org / [email protected]

Page 13: Mindful Communication

4 Being in touch with oneself without ‘selfing’

Introduction (5-7 minutes)Main messages: Most of the time, we are ‘selfing’

which is the process of identifying with everything we think, do, have, feel, believe, etc.

When we become aware that the more we do this the less we are able to relate to others because we are ‘busy with ourselves’ and not available for anybody else.

Not all what people tell me has to do with me. Avoid claiming ownership for all what you hear.

By recognising and letting go of ‘selfing’ impulses we give the universe more room to make things happen.

Experiential learning (up to 10 minutes)

BREATHING TOGETHER:Step 1: participants are asked to sit still and

concentrate on their breathing (e.g. focus on each in and out breath)

Step 2: participants work with a partner: (1) they align on partner A’s breathing rhythm; (2) then on B’s; (3) then they let breathing happen.

Allow a time to focus within after each step

Informal practice10 minutes per day choose a person to whom you adjust your breathing rhythm

www.mindfulnessatwork.org / [email protected]

Formal practice (up to 25 min)Yoga in standing: during the practice, make the point that the yoga postures help to experience centeredness. A necessary quality to develop to create the conditions for being a mindful communicator.

Page 14: Mindful Communication

5 Using connectedness to discover new perspectives

Introduction (5-7 minutes)Main messages: Most of us are not particularly

sensitive to either our body or our thought process.

When we work systematically to bring our undivided attention to the body or the mind, e.g. practicing body scan, yoga, meditation, we increase our connectedness to our body and our mind.

As a result, we know our body and our mind better.

Increasing connectedness to body and mind helps us to respond better to life challenges.

Experiential learning (up to 15 minutes)

THE POWER OF BEING HEARD & SEEN:

Step 1: partner A speaks to partner B for 2 minutes. Partner B does not pay any attention though staying silent (looks elsewhere, watch the floor, etc.) Step 2: roles are reversed

Step 3: partner B speaks to partner A. Partner A offer his full attention non judgementally.

Step 4: roles are reversedLeave time after each step to focus withinFormal practice (up to 25 min)Loving kindness meditation: acknowledge the challenges this meditation brings along. Intention: give the chance to people to experience one of the essential reason for the pain communication may generate

Informal practice15 minutes per day cultivate a mindful way to take part in a conversation: bring your attention moment after moment to the conversation

www.mindfulnessatwork.org / [email protected]

Page 15: Mindful Communication

6 Listening actively and suspending judgement

Introduction (5-7 minutes)Main messages: Our default mode is to classify our

physical perceptions, feelings and thoughts into ‘I like/ I dislike’ categories

This pattern stems from our memory as primitive survivors in a hostile world where external stimuli would trigger the fight or flight reaction depending on our chances to survive

Mindfulness helps us experience that we can suspend the rather constant judging mode and learn to leave things as they are without wanting them to be different

In communication, judgment is often the cause of misunderstanding and conflict and prevent active listening

Experiential learning (up to 10 minutes)

DIRECTED LISTENING:Step 1: use a CD player, put the radio on,

tune it between two channels so it produces unpleasant noises. Ask the participants to listen and observe their physical perceptions, feelings and thoughts.

Step 2: play a music that you consider harmonic and soothing. Then same as above.

Step 3: now repeat the above and ask the participants to focus on their breathing and suspend judgement (letting go of ‘I like’ / ‘I dislike’ thoughts. Focus instead on the breath) . Allow space for silent self-reflection.

Formal practice (up to 25 min)Walking meditation: insist on returning to the practice when the mind goes around, in particular when it judges what is happening.

Informal practice15 minutes per day pay attention non-judgementally, returning to your breathing when you feel trapped in ’I like’ / ‘I dislike’ dynamics

www.mindfulnessatwork.org / [email protected]

Page 16: Mindful Communication

7 Expanding the field of awareness to include the context (A/B)

Introduction (5-7 minutes)Main messages:Read and hand out the poem of Chuang

Tzu quoted by Jon Kabat-Zinn in Coming to our senses in the chapter called ‘Reminding myself that self-righteousness is not helpful’.

Poem reproduced on the next slide.

Experiential learning (up to 10 minutes)

COMING TO OUR SENSES:Step 1: ask the participants to be still and

focus on listening to the sounds they can hear.

Step 2: ask the participants to count how many different colours they can see.

Step 3: ask the participants how many textures they come in contact with while staying where there are

Ask each of them after each step the number they have counted. Then also ask them whether they remembered their breathing, their body, other thoughts or feelings while practicing

Formal practice (up to 25 min)Sitting meditation: enable participants to train returning to their breath as an ever present option

Informal practice15 minutes per day practice expanding awareness: start with your breath, then your body, then activate your senses, then integrate the people and surrounding. Start the process over again every time you notice your attention has drifted away.www.mindfulnessatwork.org / [email protected]

Page 17: Mindful Communication

7 Expanding the field of awareness to include the context (B/B)

If a man is crossing a riverAnd an empty boat collides with his

own skiff,Even though he be a bad-tempered

manHe will not become very angry.

But if he sees a man in the boat,He will shout at him to steer clear.

If the shout is not heard, he will shout again,

And yet again, and begin cursing.And all because there is somebody in

the boat.Yet if the boat were empty,

He would not be shouting, and not angry.

If you can empty your own boatCrossing the river of the world,

No one will oppose you,No one will seek to harm you.

www.mindfulnessatwork.org / [email protected]

Poem from Chuang Tzu quoted by Jon Kabat-Zinn in Coming to our senses in the chapter called ‘Reminding myself that self-righteousness is not helpful’

Page 18: Mindful Communication

8 Learning to assert mindfully

Introduction (5-7 minutes)Main messages: When you know what you are feeling

and you know they are just feelings or thoughts, you can be true to your feelings and thoughts without creating a problem for you

Feelings and thoughts create problem if you ignore them or inflate them

To be assertive means to know your feelings or thoughts and to be able to communicate them to others respecting yours and others integrity

Using ‘I’ statements is key: moving from ‘you make me angry’ to ‘I feel angry’

Experiential learning (up to 10 minutes)

Use the two dialogues sequentially and reverse for each step the roles.

Allow time to focus within after each step.

See the two dialogues on the following page.

Informal practice15 minutes per day practice returning to your breath, in particular if you feel under communication stress

www.mindfulnessatwork.org / [email protected]

Formal practice (up to 25 min)Sitting meditation: enable participants to train returning to their breath as an ever present option

Page 19: Mindful Communication

8 Learning to assert mindfully

Dialogue 1 A: You are always interrupting when I want to explain something to you

B: That’s not true, you are inventing and you are just frustrated

A: How can you say this? You perfectly know how your behaviour is disruptive

B: It is impossible to discuss with you

Dialogue 2A: when I explain something to you, I feel upset if you interrupt me

B: sorry, I do not mean to upset you. Are you open to talk about finding alternatives to avoid creating this discomfort?

A: I appreciate your offer and accept it

B : thank you, let’s do so

www.mindfulnessatwork.org / [email protected]

Page 20: Mindful Communication

½ day mindful communication workshop

Connectedness

Flying or fighting

In touch with oneself

Perspectives

Active listening & non-judging

Asserting mindfully Expanding awareness

I am not my thoughts or emotions

FORMAL & INFORMAL PRACTICE

REVIEW OF THE 8 SESSIONS

SPACE FOR INQUIRY

www.mindfulnessatwork.org / [email protected]

Page 21: Mindful Communication

½ day mindful communication workshop

www.mindfulnessatwork.org / [email protected]

Timing / 4 hours workshopHour 1: practicing and warming

up 10 min sitting meditation 15 min overview of the day,

presentation round 20 min body scan 15 min sharing (sub-group,

plenary)

Hour 2: experiencing and responding

15min Aikido of communication 15 min inquiry on reacting to

stress versus responding to stress

20 min loving kindness meditation

10 min walking meditation

Hour 3: reflecting and sharing 30 min review of the 8 themes

(1) the facilitator runs through the 8 themes(2) the participants look back into their experience(3) the participants select on the pin board up to 3 themes they would like to discuss

30 min questions and answers discussion

Hour 4: practicing and cultivating intention 15 min yoga in standing 15 min breathing meditation 15 min selecting and committing

to one formal and one informal practice 15 min feedback and closing round

Page 22: Mindful Communication

If you are interested to share your ideas and practices in relation to the following themes, I would welcome to get/stay in touch with you MBSR, Mindfulness Practices, Stress reduction, Mindfulness at Work

Jon Kabat-Zinn Thich Nhat Hahn

Mindful leadership, mindful coaching Mindful communication Mindful parenting Integral thinking (AQAL, Wilber), human evolution (Spiral Dynamics, Graves), systemic thinking, knowledge management, conscious business (Kofman), learning organisation (Senge), Theory U (Scharmer), Ethics & governance, the power of Now (Tolle) Personal development at work & Collective intelligence

CONTACT

Valérie Saintot

www.mindfulnessatwork.org / [email protected]

@xing.com / @linkedin.com @http://community.presencing.com/profile/ValerieSAINTOT


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