THE MINDY PROJECT

"Mindy Lahiri: Female Empowerer"

Written by

calmdowncheryl

Based on Mindy Kaling’s "The Mindy Project"

January 1, 2014 calmdowncheryl.tumblr.com/ask

TEASER

1 INT. SHULMAN & ASSOCIATES - SATURDAY, 9:30 AM

MINDY walks into the empty office, carrying three boxes of

donuts and a thermos of coffee. She’s dressed in

CAMOFLAUGE-PATTERNED SCRUBS, a beige vest, an army-green

backpack, and black sneakers. JEREMY, DANNY, and PETER have

been waiting for her to show up, and they look annoyed (but

not surprised) when she finally comes through the door.

MINDY

Goooood morning, Vietnam!

DANNY

We were supposed to leave a

half-hour ago!

MINDY

I know, I know, I’m sorry, but I

needed to wait for the scrubs store

to open so I could get these!

She sets the donuts and coffee down on the main desk and

models her CAMOUFLAGE-PATTERNED SCRUBS.

MINDY (cont’d)

I saw them in the store window on

my way home late last night, and I

thought they were perfect for the

debut of "Health on Wheels".

(beat)

Speaking of which --

Mindy jumps around to show them her BACKPACK, which has

"HEALTH ON WHEELS" printed underneath an AMBULANCE JUMPING

THROUGH FIRE.

JEREMY

Is that really what we’re calling

it?

PETER

Well, I wanted to call it "I’m

Gonna Health You Up".

(to Jeremy)

But you were, quote-unquote, sick

the day we voted.

(to Danny)

And you. Traitor. A regular

Benedict Cumberbatch.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 2.

DANNY

I find it best not to fight Mindy

on these types of things. Also,

what did you just say?

Mindy hasn’t been listening. She’s kneeling on the ground,

digging out folded up backpacks similar to hers.

MINDY

Alright, men! Quit your yammering

and bring it in!

No one moves.

MINDY (cont’d)

(still kneeling)

We have one enemy: disease. He is

fierce.

She throws a backpack at Jeremy’s feet.

MINDY (cont’d)

He is rampant.

She throws another at Peter’s feet.

MINDY (cont’d)

He would be easily vanquished if we

worked in a system that endorsed

preventative care more strongly.

She throws the last at Danny’s feet.

MINDY (cont’d)

Alas, that is not our reality. And

so, we must fight.

She stands and peers into her colleagues’ eyes.

MINDY (cont’d)

This is going to be the toughest

fight of our lives... every second

Saturday of the month, except April

because of that one conference.

She stands arms akimbo.

MINDY

Are you ready?

Danny just looks at her, confused but amused. Jeremy mumbles

something that sounds like a "yes". Peter balls his hands

into fists.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 3.

PETER

Yeah!

MINDY

I said, ARE! YOU! READY?

Danny remains still. Jeremy mumbles a little louder. Peter

looks like he’s ringside at a UFC fight.

PETER

YEAH!

MINDY

I SAAAIIIDDD --

DANNY

Damn it, Mindy, we’re already late

as it is!

He pulls out the keys to the truck and heads out. Jeremy

follows quickly behind. Peter is psyched, running after

them with his fist in the air.

PETER

(chanting)

HEALTH ON WHEELS! HEALTH ON WHEELS!

MINDY

Wait! The reinforcements!

She scrambles to gather the backpacks and struggles to carry

them plus the donuts and coffee she bought.

MINDY (cont’d)

Guys! No man left behind!

END TEASER

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 4.

ACT ONE

2 EXT. COMMUNITY CENTER PARKING LOT - MORNING

Jeremy, Danny, Peter, and Mindy sit at portable tables

they’ve set up next to the parked Health on Wheels

truck. Women have formed 4 separate lines at each of their

stations. We watch each of the doctors at work.

PATIENT 1

Well, I have this skin rash, and

it’s just driving me bonkers.

She pulls up her coat sleeve and shows Jeremy her forearm,

which contains a nasty, red RASH. Jeremy, wearing gloves,

takes her arm and gently turns it over to see the extent of

the damage.

JEREMY

(whistles)

That is a beaut. Alright, have you

started using any new lotions or

creams on your arms?

PATIENT 1

Yes, I have.

JEREMY

Have you continued to use them?

PATIENT 1

Yeah, the rash dries my skin out so

bad.

JEREMY

Okay, well, did the rash get better

or worse when you used the lotion?

PATIENT 1

Worse. Way worse.

JEREMY

Okay, I suspect that the lotion is

making it worse.

PATIENT 1

So what do I do?

JEREMY

I’m not a dermatologist, so this

isn’t my area of expertise, but I’d

probably stop using the lotion.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 5.

PATIENT 1

(leans forward)

Well, I came here because... what

if I have a rash that looks like

this... in a place where lotion

doesn’t go?

Jeremy tries his best to stifle the disgusted expression he

desperately wants to make.

CUT TO:

PATIENT 2, a woman with a large belly.

PATIENT 2

Really terrible heartburn. Doesn’t

matter what I eat.

DANNY

Yeah.

PATIENT 2

Headaches. High blood pressure. I

throw up a lot in the morning.

DANNY

Yep. I hear ’ya.

PATIENT 2

Feel like I’m retaining water.

Swollen joints. It’s awful.

DANNY

We should schedule you for a

full-check up back at our practice,

but I don’t really think those are

causes for concern. It’s safe for

you to take antacids for the

heartburn and Tylenol for the other

pain and discomfort, but it sounds

like your symptoms are all typical

signs of pregnancy.

PATIENT 2

(offended)

I’m not pregnant!

Danny looks like he wants to die.

CUT TO:

PATIENT 3, an attractive, older woman.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 6.

PATIENT 3

(a little flirtatiously)

So, what do you think?

PETER

Unless a full work-up revealed

something like a cyst or tumor,

vaginal reconstructive surgery is a

strictly cosmetic procedure.

(beat)

Of which I am a big, big fan.

CUT TO:

PATIENT 4, a kind of ditzy woman inquiring about birth

control.

MINDY

There are combination pills that

have estrogen and progestin, like

Yasmin or Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo.

PATIENT 4

Do I stick them up my butt?

MINDY

(confused/disgusted)

No, you take it orally.

Mindy takes a laminated informational card and points to a

picture of pills.

MINDY (cont’d)

However, if you have a history of

heart disease or are prone to

clots, I’d suggest looking into

these progestin-only pills like

Micronor or Ovrette.

Patient 4 looks up.

PATIENT 4

Do I stick those up my butt?

MINDY

No. You take it orally. By mouth.

(beat)

Why don’t you take this?

Mindy hands her the laminated card. She also hands her a

couple extra pamphlets.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 7.

MINDY (cont’d)

Take these too.

We see their titles: "How to Make Sure Your Birth Control

Works" and "Backup Birth Control Options".

PATIENT 4

’Kay!

PATIENT 4 smiles and leaves gratefully. JASMINE REYNOLDS, a

woman in a CREAM PANTSUIT takes her place.

JASMINE

Hi, I’d like to speak to you about

your practice.

MINDY

Look, lady, I already told your

friends we’re not leaving. You have

the right to your political

opinions, okay, but this

information could help hundreds of

women, and we --

JASMINE

No! Yes! Of course! I love what

your group is doing!

MINDY

Oh. Thanks. Sorry, what do you

want? Are we being too loud? We’re

almost done, I swear.

JASMINE

I’m Jasmine Reynolds, head of the

local chapter of the Female

Empowerment Society, or FEMS.

MINDY

Cool. I like how that acronym

worked out.

JASMINE

We’ve heard a lot about your work,

Dr. Lahiri. You’ve been doing a lot

of great community outreach, what

with the visit to the women’s

prison and your taxi TV promos last

year.

MINDY

Oh, well --

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 8.

JASMINE

And we were thrilled when we heard

about you taking your work to the

streets.

MINDY

Actually, Health on Wheels was Dr.

Prentice’s idea.

She gestures to Peter, who smiles.

PETER

Yeah, it’s my baby!

JASMINE

(with scorn)

How could you even know what having

a baby feels like??

Peter and Mindy exchange glances.

PETER

Well, I mean... it’s just a figure

of speech --

JASMINE

(back to Mindy)

I just wanted to let you know that

due to your work for the women of

New York, you were named FEMS’

"Female Empowerer of the Month".

MINDY

Ohmygod! Really??

JASMINE

Yes! Congratulations!

Jasmine extends her hand for a handshake. Mindy accepts.

MINDY

Oh my god! I can’t believe this! Oh

my god oh my god oh my god!

Jasmine digs into her purse for a GOLD ENVELOPE. Mindy is

immediately captivated.

JASMINE

The awards dinner is this Friday.

It’s black tie, at the Ritz. Deets

in the envelope. We’ve also

included 3 tickets for your...

Jasmine shoots a contemptuous look at Peter.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 9.

JASMINE (cont’d)

...Colleagues...

Peter frowns.

JASMINE (cont’d)

(back to Mindy)

...as well as a plus one, in case

you’d like to bring somebody.

Mindy is still turning the gold envelope over and over in

her hands.

MINDY

I feel like this is what Beyonce’s

mail looks like.

JASMINE

We’re thrilled to have you, Dr.

Lahiri. Call us if you have any

questions.

Mindy beams at Jasmine.

MINDY

I will!

Jasmine stands and walks away. Mindy’s barely able to

contain herself.

MINDY (cont’d)

(calling after her)

Also, I love your pant suit!

3 INT. SHULMAN & ASSOCIATES - FRIDAY AFTERNOON

Business as usual. BETSY sits at the main desk. Mindy shows

a patient out and waves goodbye. She walks back into the

office and sees MORGAN coming out of the break room with a

coffee mug.

MORGAN

Dr. L! Why are you still here?

Shouldn’t you be getting ready for

your big dinner tonight?

Mindy hands TAMRA the patient’s chart.

MINDY

I’m leaving pretty soon, just going

to put the finishing touches on my

speech.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 10.

BETSY

Can we hear some of it?

MINDY

Okay!

She pulls out her phone and opens her speech. After clearing

her throat and doing some quick vocal exercises, she settles

into her on-stage persona.

MINDY (cont’d)

(reading)

What is it that makes a woman

beautiful? Is it mastering the

smoky eye? Is it being able to

pull off two different types of

animal prints?

(beat)

That’s pretty much all I’ve got so

far.

Betsy and Tamra exchange looks.

TAMRA

(stiffly)

That sounds great, Dr. L.

Mindy leans on the desk.

MINDY

What do you guys have going on

tonight?

TAMRA

Ray Ron and I are going ice skating

before my cousin’s intervention.

BETSY

The scarf I’ve been knitting is

almost done!

MORGAN

Dog the Bounty Hunter marathon.

(beat)

Is Dr. C still here?

BETSY

He’s with a patient.

MORGAN

(to Mindy)

Does he have his outfit picked out?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 11.

MINDY

Why are you asking me? I don’t

know.

MORGAN

Well, I heard the dinner was black

tie, so I’ve been sifting through

my cuff link collection all day.

He turns his coffee mug upside down, and CUFF LINKS spill

onto the desk. He peers down at them, squinting and

stroking his chin.

MORGAN

I’ve narrowed it down to two mugs,

but I need to know if his suit is

black or midnight blue.

MINDY

That’s great Morgan, but I think

he’s probably fine.

She smiles at them and goes to her office.

MORGAN

(calling after her)

Oh, Dr. L, don’t wear the black

heels! They look amazing, but they

pinch your feet.

Betsy raises her eyebrows at the glimmering cuff links.

BETSY

Where did you get all these?

Morgan looks threatened.

MORGAN

...Definitely not multiple

graveyards.

He attempts to look surreptitious as he sweeps the cuff

links into his mug. Tamra and Betsy watch him. He maintains

eye contact with them as he retreats back into the break

room.

4 INT. MINDY’S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - NIGHT

Mindy is wearing a long, coral, high neck GOWN, long gold

earrings, a gold bangle, and gold heels. She’s putting nude

lipstick on. She stops and checks her makeup. Then, she

decides to test her "acceptance" face, holding her BRUSH

like it’s an award.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 12.

MINDY

Thank you, women of New York!

She isn’t satisfied. Something’s off.

MINDY (cont’d)

Sisters from other misters, I thank

you!

Still wrong. She notices a Post-It stuck to the mirror, a

note she’s written to herself: "Think Jennifer Lawrence."

Mindy closes her eyes and breathes in and out slowly.

MINDY (cont’d)

(chanting)

J Lawwww... J Lawwww...

She opens her eyes and raises the brush up, displaying it to

the fake audience.

MINDY (cont’d)

I beat Meryl!

Someone KNOCKS at the front door, startling her.

5 INT. MINDY’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Mindy walks to the front door, frowning at her manicure as

she goes.

MINDY

Danny, I don’t think my nail coral

matches my dress coral --

She opens the door to find CLIFF standing there, looking

impeccable and clean-cut in a modern tuxedo.

MINDY (cont’d)

Whoa.

CLIFF

Hey.

He grins and kisses her as he enters the apartment. As they

break from the kiss, Mindy runs her hands down from Cliff’s

neck and smooths his lapels.

She stares at him a moment. Then, she steps back and places

the back of her hand on her forehead and the side of her

neck. Cliff reaches his arms out, prepping in case something

happens.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 13.

CLIFF (cont’d)

You feeling okay?

MINDY

Yeah, I’ve just been doing this

every five minutes since we started

dating to make sure I’m not just in

the middle of a fever dream.

Cliff straightens and smiles sheepishly.

MINDY (cont’d)

You look hot. Like Brad Pitt in

Meet Joe Black.

CLIFF

Well, you are absolutely stunning.

Mindy almost can’t handle how smitten she is.

MINDY

(laughs)

You New York dudes are on a

different level entirely. I’m from

Boston. I would’ve been satisfied

with, "Fancy dress" or "Wicked job

on your face."

(beat)

Let me just grab the tickets.

She disappears into her bedroom.

CLIFF

So... were you expecting Danny?

6 INT. MINDY’S BEDROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Mindy’s grabbing her gold clutch when the question

lands. She pauses a moment. She shakes her head to snap

out of it and continues gathering the items she needs.

MINDY

(high-pitched)

Who?

She furrows her brow. That doesn’t make sense. What just

happened?

14.

7 INT. MINDY’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Mindy walks back into the living room.

CLIFF

Danny? You mentioned him a minute

ago. Were you expecting him?

Mindy’s eyebrows shoot up.

MINDY

Oh, no, wasn’t expecting him. He’s

like the Spanish Inquisition,

because no one ever expects him.

Unexpected, that one.

A KNOCK at the door. Mindy goes to answer it. What the hell

is happening?

Danny is standing in the hallway, wearing a classic tux. If

Cliff is Brad Pitt, Danny is George Clooney.

MINDY (cont’d)

(under her breath)

Completely unexpected.

DANNY

What? What do you mean? I texted

you a minute ago saying we were

downstairs.

Mindy snaps out of it.

MINDY

Oh, sorry. I must’ve missed your

text --

She looks to Cliff.

MINDY

(smiling)

-- because Cliff was telling me how

stunning I am.

Danny rolls his eyes.

DANNY

Yeah, yeah, you got your thing on

with the shoes, it’s nice,

whatever, let’s go.

Mindy beams at Cliff.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 15.

MINDY

The Boston girl in me is swooning.

8 EXT. MINDY’S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

Mindy, Cliff, and Danny go down the stairs. Mindy sees a

parked LIMO by the curb. Jeremy and Peter, who also look

devastatingly handsome, are standing at the front of it.

MINDY

(gasp)

I’m The Bachelorette.

DANNY

This way.

Danny walks over to a parked CAB just in front of the limo.

He opens the door and looks back at Mindy.

MINDY

Oh.

CLIFF

Actually, I...

He walks over to the limo and opens the door.

CLIFF (cont’d)

I actually reserved it for tonight.

Mindy squeals excitedly and runs over to the limo, kissing

Cliff on the cheek before she gets in. Jeremy and Peter

decide, "what the hell" and go into the limo, too. Danny

sighs.

9 INT. LIMO - NIGHT

Danny can’t help but look curmudgeonly as the rest of the

group enjoys the limo, chatting and having a good time.

Danny reaches into his pocket and pulls out a FLASK, but

then someone shoves a GLASS OF SCOTCH under his nose.

Danny looks and sees the glass of scotch is attached to

Cliff’s hand. Cliff smiles at him and encourages him to take

it. Danny does. He downs the scotch in one gulp, then pours

the contents of his flask into the empty glass.

16.

10 INT. BANQUET HALL - NIGHT

Peter, Danny, and Jeremy are seated at a table near the

podium. Two women walk by.

PETER

Well, hello.

They ignore him. Jeremy flashes a smile to another woman who

is peering at him from another table. She makes a disgusted

face, rolls her eyes, and looks away.

JEREMY

When Mindy said we’d probably be

the only men here, I admittedly

thought the outcome would be a

little different.

A female SERVER walks by with a plate full of appetizers.

Peter gestures that he’d like one, but the server completely

ignores him. Peter narrows his eyes at her as she walks

away.

PETER

Really? Even the help?

Looking around the room, it’s becoming disturbingly clear

that they are persona non grata.

PETER

Are they all on their periods?

What’s gotten their panties in a

bunch?

DANNY

Probably years of comments like

that.

PETER

(scoffs)

If anybody’s panties need to be in

a bunch, they’re my panties. I

don’t want to take a giant man-dump

on this parade, but the thing that

clinched Mindy’s award was kinda my

idea.

DANNY

Hey, she’s a good doctor, and she

does good work. Besides, any

positive attention for the practice

is good attention. Shulman &

Associates haven’t exactly been

hitting home runs.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 17.

JEREMY

Guys, I think I’ve got a friendly.

Peter and Danny follow Jeremy’s gaze to an attractive woman

standing by one of the windows across the room. She smiles

pleasantly. Jeremy gives her a little wave, and the woman’s

smile doesn’t disappear. The guys are a little encouraged

by the lack of hostility, when they see her reach for her

WHITE CANE. They see that in her other hand, she holds a

LEASH for her SEEING-EYE DOG.

JEREMY (cont’d)

Ah.

The blind woman crosses the room, and as they watch her go,

Mindy and Cliff come into focus. Danny watches as Mindy and

Cliff chat a little with some FEMS members. They look like

an official couple.

Cliff realizes Danny’s watching him, so he nods and smiles

at him. Danny reciprocates painfully, scrunching up his face

and looking away.

Jasmine walks up to the podium and addresses the crowd.

JASMINE

Good evening, everyone, and welcome

to the Female Empowerment Society!

Everyone applauds.

JASMINE

As you know, before we get started

with dinner, we take the time to

meet this month’s awardee.

On the screen behind her appears Mindy’s professional

headshot.

JASMINE

Tonight, we award Dr. Mindy

Lahiri. She is an OB/GYN with

Shulman & Associates, and she’s

done marvelous work through the

practice as well as through

community outreach. This month, she

has started Health on Wheels --

Peter rolls his eyes.

JASMINE

-- a mobile health unit designed to

reach out to underprivileged women.

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 18.

JASMINE (cont’d)To honor her and the work she’s

done, we give her this plaque, as

well as a $10,000 donation to

Health on Wheels. So, let’s all

welcome Dr. Lahiri, our Female

Empowerer of the Month!

Everyone applauds again, and Mindy walks up to the podium.

Cliff makes his way to the guys’ table to watch. He has

brought with him a napkin of appetizers and a glass of

scotch.

CLIFF

Hey, guys. Saw that server give you

a hard time.

PETER

Cliff, you are a godsend.

He and Jeremy dig into the appetizers.

CLIFF

No prob.

(beat)

Danny.

DANNY

Oh, hey there, Cliff.

CLIFF

Brought you another scotch. Saw you

liked the Macallan neat from the

limo.

Danny smiles, stiffly but politely enough.

DANNY

Thanks.

CLIFF

Sure.

Cliff smiles happily at him. Danny eyes Cliff suspiciously.

Mindy’s at the stage, shaking Jasmine’s hand. Jasmine

gestures to the podium, where a small, gold PLAQUE stands,

the FEMS logo emblazoned on it. Mindy takes the plaque and

holds it up to the crowd.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 19.

MINDY

(into the mic)

I beat Meryl!

Audience members exchange confused looks. Cliff applauds

happily. Danny takes a swig of the scotch.

The applause dies down, and a hush falls over the crowd.

MINDY (cont’d)

I’m not really one for speeches...

She pulls her phone out in case she needs reference.

DANNY

(to the others)

This coming from the girl who spent

45 minutes at the movie theater

ranting about the scientific

inaccuracies of Gravity.

MINDY

(to the audience)

Many a magazine and One Direction

band member have pondered this:

what is it that makes a woman

beautiful?

The audience looks even more confused.

MINDY (cont’d)

Is it mastering the smoky eye? Is

it being able to pull off two

different types of animal prints?

Is it finally mustering enough

courage to try ombre? Am I right,

ladies?

She pauses for laughter but receives none. She clears her

throat.

MINDY (cont’d)

While those are things of

incredible importance in a woman’s

life, none of these things make her

beautiful. What makes her beautiful

is her strength.

The audience starts to trust her again.

MINDY (cont’d)

Every day, I see women at their

strongest. I see them as they learn

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 20.

MINDY (cont’d)how to ensure the safety of their

bodies. I see them when they make

the decision to enter motherhood. I

see them when they start those

families. Seriously, the actual

moment. Literally. I’m right there,

between their...

Mindy catches her table’s reactions. They suggest she leave

out the gory details.

MINDY (cont’d)

Well. You know.

The FEMS members chuckle knowingly.

MINDY (cont’d)

And while I’m relatively young in

my field of work, I eventually hope

to see those women bring in their

little girls as they start to

become women. That’s why my work is

so important. We need to ensure

that all women can be the strongest

they can be, wherever their paths

may take them. I and the women of

New York hope for your continued

support, and we thank you.

The audience loves her. Her table of men beam at her

proudly.

Jasmine approaches Mindy and shakes her hand. Mindy goes to

leave the stage, but Jasmine gestures for her to hang back.

JASMINE

Beautiful words, Dr. Lahiri. I was

hoping you could shed some more

light on your work.

MINDY

Oh. Sure.

JASMINE

How did your association with the

women’s prison begin?

MINDY

That’s actually a funny story. The

guy I was dating at the time was a

pastor, so I kind of volunteered at

the women’s prison to impress him.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 21.

The audience wasn’t expecting this.

JASMINE

Oh. Um, and the taxi spots,

"Mindy’s Minute"?

MINDY

Well, who doesn’t want to be on TV,

right? Gave me an interesting line

to write on my online dating

profile.

The audience is starting to turn.

DANNY

Uh-oh.

JASMINE

(sarcastically)

Did you become an OB/GYN to impress

a guy, too?

MINDY

Well, the OB/GYN resident was the

hottest one.

The audience starts to boo at her. Mindy tries to save it.

MINDY (cont’d)

But it’s really rewarding work! My

patients have enlightened me in a

surprising amount of ways!

Someone throws their DINNER ROLL at her.

MINDY (cont’d)

Hey!

More DINNER ROLLS pelt her dress and land on stage. Mindy

picks one up and shakes it at the audience.

MINDY (cont’d)

Just because you don’t eat carbs

doesn’t mean no one else wants

them!

The guys rush to help her off the stage, but they’re

trapped. Dinner rolls are now being aimed at the men. An

empty wine glass is thrown at Jeremy.

JEREMY

(at the crowd)

Whoa! Completely uncalled for!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 22.

JASMINE

It figures you would just bring a

harem of men to this event!

MINDY

Oh, a "harem"? That’s racist!

Jasmine is taken aback. The crowd stills. Mindy decides to

seize the moment.

MINDY (cont’d)

(into the mic)

Isn’t feminism about equality

between all the genders?

A spiteful murmur starts to buzz around the room.

MINDY (cont’d)

Yeah, I went to the women’s prison

to impress my ex-boyfriend. But

during that visit, we were able to

provide health screenings to a

group of women that often gets

overlooked.

(gesturing to Danny)

Danny --

Danny looks up at her. His glare screams, "DON’T BRING ME

INTO THIS."

MINDY (cont’d)

-- I mean, Dr. Danny Castellano,

helped me with the Mindy’s Minute

spots when I felt a little unsure

about them. And he always helps me

when I’m unsure.

She looks at Danny warmly. He softens and smiles back. He

nods, and Mindy goes on. She gestures to Jeremy.

MINDY (cont’d)

Dr. Jeremy Reed here helped 57

women sign up for health insurance

today. 57!

Jeremy smiles graciously at the audience.

Finally, Mindy brings Peter up to the podium with her.

MINDY (cont’d)

And this is Dr. Peter Prentice.

Health on Wheels was actually his

idea. If Health on Wheels was the

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 23.

MINDY (cont’d)

thing that made you guys decide to

give me this award, well...

She hands him the plaque.

MINDY (cont’d)

You picked the right organization,

but the wrong doctor.

PETER

(into the mic)

Mindy did come up with the name,

though. I think we can all agree

it’s a clever name, clever as

balls!

The audience is about to turn on them again.

PETER (cont’d)

...Or ovaries?

The crowd reacts.

PETER (cont’d)

Mindy’s the one who implemented it,

though! When we were trying to

prove we weren’t racists!

One of the women speaks out from the crowd.

FEMS MEMBER #1

(to Mindy)

You mean you were going to accept

this award and take credit for his

idea to prove you weren’t racist?

Mindy gets a little nervous.

MINDY

That’s not why we did it!

(stammering)

I-I mean, I told Jasmine --

She looks over to Jasmine for help. Jasmine furiously

shakes her head, denying any knowledge.

MINDY (cont’d)

I told her it was actually Peter’s

idea! But she just ignored him!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 24.

PETER

Yeah! It was really invalidating!

Another society member speaks up.

FEMS MEMBER #2

Who’s the other one??

MINDY

That’s my boyfriend!

CLIFF

Cliff Gilbert. I’m a lawyer.

Harsh "BOO!!"s from all around.

FEMS MEMBER #3

(at Mindy)

You materialistic, narcissistic

lawyer-lover!

FEMS MEMBER #4

And I saw the gangly one waving and

making faces at Sylvia!

SYLVIA, the blind woman from earlier perks up at mention of

her name.

JEREMY

Excuse me, "gangly"?!

Mindy nudges him.

Sylvia’s dog starts snarling. Sylvia looks really angry.

SYLVIA

Sappho, sic ’em!

Sylvia reaches down and CLICK! Sappho’s unleashed! She

rushes at Jeremy in full attack mode.

The group SCREAMS in horror. The FEMS cheer loudly. They all

rush out the back exit.

END ACT TWO

ACT THREE

25.

11 EXT. SHULMAN & ASSOCIATES OFFICE BUILDING - NIGHT

The limo’s parked at the curb.

Jeremy and Peter are heading into the building, carrying big

bags of Chinese take-out. Mindy follows with a bottle of

wine. Danny has two more bags of food, and Cliff reaches for

it.

CLIFF

Hey, Danny, let me carry that. You

take this.

Cliff holds up the bottle of scotch from the limo. Danny

stares at Cliff as he pries the bags out of his hands and

hands him the scotch.

DANNY

(jokingly)

You tryin’ to get me drunk? ’Cause

I gotta say, you keep these drinks

comin’, we might have a weird night

ahead of us.

CLIFF

(scoffs)

DANNY

(seriously)

No, c’mon. What is all this?

Cliff faces Danny. For the first time all night, Cliff looks

nervous. He’s gone from "Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black" to

"16-year-old virgin on prom night" in one fell swoop.

CLIFF

I just know that you and Mindy

close. And... I don’t know. I

thought if we were friends...

He sighs. Danny’s careful not to sound too hopeful.

DANNY

What, you guys having trouble or

something?

CLIFF

No, nothing like that. Just...

(earnestly)

Despite the unfolding of events

tonight, I really like her. And I

really want this to work.

Danny understands.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 26.

CLIFF

I don’t know, she’s --

DANNY

(interrupting)

Different.

Cliff looks at him. Danny’s gravely serious.

DANNY (cont’d)

She’s different. She’s special.

Whole ’nother league. Hell, whole

’nother sport.

(beat)

I’m drunk.

Danny goes inside, and Cliff follows.

12 INT. SHULMAN & ASSOCIATES - BREAK ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Slightly worse for the wear, Mindy, Cliff, Danny, Jeremy,

and Peter have decided to still have dinner together. Mindy

and Danny are setting up a make-shift buffet on the counter

and getting some food.

MINDY

What a train wreck, huh?

DANNY

It wasn’t terrible.

Mindy shoots him a look.

DANNY (cont’d)

Okay, it’s the worst event we’ve

been to as a practice. And that’s

saying something.

She sighs and sets her sparsely-covered plate down. Danny

notices the lack of food.

DANNY (cont’d)

Alright, let’s hear it.

MINDY

I feel terrible.

DANNY

About tonight?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 27.

MINDY

Yes, about tonight, Danny! I mean,

Jasmine wasn’t wrong! A

disconcerting amount of my

decisions were influenced by men.

(beat)

Like this dress!

She stands back and gestures to her dress.

MINDY (cont’d)

(in a hushed voice)

I wore it because it goes more with

Cliff’s complexion than mine!

DANNY

Yeah, but just because Jasmine was

right doesn’t mean you were wrong.

You might’ve made those choices for

different reasons, but it doesn’t

change the importance or the

quality of the work you’ve done.

Mindy shrugs.

MINDY

It didn’t matter to them.

DANNY

It doesn’t have to matter to them.

They’re not the people whose lives

you’re changing.

(beat)

Without them, sure, yeah, programs

wouldn’t get big donations and

people wouldn’t win awards. But

without you...

(beat)

how would teens know not to stick

their birth control up their butts?

Mindy cracks a smile, but she’s still not fully cheered up

yet.

DANNY (cont’d)

Do some of that in-the-moment stuff

you keep telling me about when I’m

stressed.

(beat)

Your hair’s doing a cool swoosh

thing on the side there. Your

earrings are really dangly. Your

dress...

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 28.

He gazes at her.

DANNY

Knockout.

Mindy looks at him meaningfully. Danny catches himself.

DANNY

And you’ve got Cliff.

Mindy smiles. She reaches for the noodles and puts more on

her plate.

DANNY (cont’d)

’Atta girl.

She puts even more on her plate. Danny grabs her wrist.

DANNY (cont’d)

Not that much.

Mindy narrows her eyes at him. He looks over at the table

and sees Cliff talking to Jeremy and Peter.

DANNY (cont’d)

I take it this means you and Cliff

are good?

MINDY

Yeah, he’s great.

She turns to Danny.

MINDY (cont’d)

I think I’m really happy.

Danny forces a smile.

13 INT. SHULMAN & ASSOCIATES - BREAK ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Everyone’s seated at the table now, well into the meal.

MINDY

I feel like we need to make a group

decision on whether or not we’re

going to continue antagonizing

people. Because if we continue down

this road, I’m going to need to do

more cardio.

(beat)

Meaning that I’m going to need to

start doing cardio.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 29.

JEREMY

Did you hear her? "Gangly"? I’ve

been pounding protein shakes, but

I’m an ectomorph! It’s harder than

it looks.

MINDY

Aw, don’t listen to her.

PETER

Yeah. You’ve got the hair of a

young Hugh Grant, the smile of a

young Hugh Grant, and the build of

a young, buff, not awkward Hugh

Grant.

CLIFF

Is that the only British guy you

know?

PETER

No, I just think Jeremy looks like

a Hugh Grant.

(beat)

Is Thor British?

MINDY

So, I’m not one for speeches...

The guys groan.

MINDY (cont’d)

But I want to say thanks for coming

and supporting me tonight. I know I

have a few flaws as a co-worker --

JEREMY

Loud and obnoxious.

PETER

Overly-enthusiastic.

DANNY

Prone to speech-making.

MINDY

Okay, jeez.

Danny gestures for the wine bottle, and Jeremy hands it to

him. He pours some wine into an empty cup.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 30.

DANNY

Hey, you deserved that award. And

of course we got your back.

Danny passes the cup over to Cliff. Cliff smiles and takes

it.

Danny raises his cup.

DANNY (cont’d)

No man left behind.

Mindy looks at him meaningfully. They all raise their

glasses.

EVERYONE

No man left behind!

They drink.

END ACT THREE

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 31.

TAG

14 INT. SHULMAN & ASSOCIATES - MINDY’S OFFICE - MORNING

Mindy is reading over a patient file. Someone KNOCKS at the

door.

MINDY

Come in!

Peter enters, his hands behind his back. He smiles at Mindy.

Mindy smiles back, confused.

MINDY (cont’d)

(cautiously)

What’cha got there, Pete?

Peter walks over to Mindy’s desk and sets the FEMS plaque on

Mindy’s desk.

Mindy is visibly touched by this gesture. Peter smiles

nervously at her.

PETER

Also, I ate your cake in the break

room fridge.

Mindy’s glare turns ice cold.

MINDY

You may show yourself out.

Peter nervously and slowly leaves Mindy’s office, carefully

closing the door.

Mindy sighs and pulls out a PLATE OF CAKE from her desk.

MINDY (cont’d)

Good thing I have my trusty ol’

back-up cake.

She eats some.

MINDY (cont’d)

(sing-song)

Back-up cake!

END