Miscellaneous Gender Issues

Dating, marital communication and conflict(33 slides)

creatively compiled by dr. michael farnworth

From: My Fair Lady

A Hymn to Him

Why can’t a woman be more like a man?

Women are irrational-- that’s all there is to that!There heads are full of cotton, hay and rags.

They're nothing but exasperating, irritating, vacillating, calculating, agitating, maddening and infuriating hags!

Pickering… why can’t a woman be more like a man?

Yes, why can't a woman be more like a man? Men are so honest, so thoroughly square;

Eternally noble, historically fair; Who when you win will always give your back a pat.

Well, why can't a woman be like that?

Why does ev'ryone do what the others do? Can't a woman learn to use her head?

Why do they do everything their mothers do? Why don't they grow up well, like their father instead?

Why can't a woman take after a man?

Men are so pleasant, so easy to please; Whenever you're with them, you're always at ease.

Would you be slighted if I didn't speak for hours? 

Of course not.

Would you be livid if I had a drink or two?  Nonsense.  Would you be wounded if I never sent you flowers? 

Never.  Well, why can't a woman be like you? One man in a million may shout a bit.

Now and then there's one with slight defects. One perhaps whose truthfulness you doubt a bit.

But, by and large we are a marvelous sex! Why can't a woman behave like a man?

Men are so friendly, good-natured and kind; A better companion you never will find.

If I were hours late for dinner would you bellow?  Of course not. 

If I forgot your silly birthday, would you fuss?  Nonsense. 

Would you complain if I took out another fellow?  Never. 

Well, why can't a woman be like us? Mrs. Pierce… you’re a woman…

why can't a woman be more like a man? Men are so decent, such regular chaps. Ready to help you through any mishaps. Ready to buck you up whenever you are

glum. Why can't a woman be a chum?

Why is thinking something women never do? Why is logic never even tried? Straightening up their

hair is all they ever do. Why don't they-- straighten up the mess that's inside?

Why can't a woman behave like a man?

If I was a woman who'd been to a ball, been hailed as a princess by one and by all;

Would I start weeping like a bathtub overflowing?

Or carry on as if my home were in a tree? Would I run off and never tell me where I'm going?

Why can't a woman be like me? 

The dating scene

• The social roles, expectations and behaviors of males and females continue to change.

• The issues of equality, relationship goals and sexual values have had a tremendous impact upon the male-female interaction.

• some it has been good and some of it has been bad.

The bad boy syndrome in dating.

• Why do some females seem to be fascinated with the boys who are bad?

• What’s in for the female?

• Why are females typically turned off by the boys who are too nice?

• What is that all about?

The bad boy dynamics

• What control issues are at play in a bad boy relationship for the female?

• How about for the bad boy?

• What sexual tension, risk is being experienced by the female dating the bad boy?

The male- female agenda in dating

• What agendas are played out in dating?

• Are the goals the same for male and female or are they simply determined by the individual? Or by the culture?

• How aware are you of your hidden agendas (the socially acceptable ones versus the not so acceptable ones of your shadow or defended parts).

• How sophisticated are you regarding the other gender’s agendas?

What are your perceptions of gender differences in communication?

Couples will need to fight for intimacy

• “Some conflict and disagreement are crucial for a marriage’s long term success, conflict is healing.

• In a sense, a marriage lives and dies by what you might loosely call its arguments by how well disagreements and grievances are aired.”

John Gottman

Gender differences in communication

Maleness• 1. Independence• 2. Status• 3. I’ll fix it• 4. Report talk• 5. Public speak• 6. Home silence• 7. Life of party• 8. General gossip• 9. Political• 10. Lecturing

Femaleness• 1. Intimacy• 2. Connection• 3. I’ll listen• 4. Rapport talk• 5. Private talk• 6. Home talkative• 7. Public silence• 8. Detailed gossip• 9. Personal• 10. Sharing

Differences continued

• 11. Information• 12. Respect issues• 13. Asymmetrical• 14. Talking• 15. Humor control• 16. Titles• 17. You talk too..• 18. Assertive• 19. Parent like• 20. “Macho”

• 11. Experiences• 12. Like issues• 13. Symmetrical• 14. Listens• 15. Laughter• 16. Names• 17. You never...• 18. Accommodating• 19. Child like• 20. “Nice”

Famous phrases: male or female origins

• That is not what I meant!• You talk too much!• You never listen!• Stop nagging me all the time!• Talk to me!• Why can’t you just say what you mean?• Trust me.• What am I suppose to do, read your mind?• Just hold me.• Don’t gossip.• You just don’t understand.

Communication exposed

COMPLEMENTARY

SYMMETRICAL

1. SHARED POWER

HELPING

3. SHARED POWER

NEGOTIATING

2. UNEQUAL POWER

COERCION

4. UNEQUAL POWER

POWER STRUGGLE

Energies and passions

• The fuel of life is our energies and passions.

• There is danger in shutting them down or ignoring them, because eventually they leave.

• Energies have an origin and purpose in our life.

M. Scott peck, further along the road less traveled

• “One’s feeling are the source of one’s energy.

• They provide the horsepower that makes it possible for us to accomplish the tasks of living.

• Since they work for us, we should treat them with respect.”

• Where is your energy in life??

We men are not really that complicated

• We need someone to love us.

• A way to get all our ego needs meant.

• Food and fluid.

• A nice car.

• And...

Energies opposites

• Love and hate are bedfellows not opposites...

• Ever had a love-hate relationship?

• The opposite of love and hate is: indifference!

• Apathy! Not caring one way or the next!

The capacity to love someone is directly tied into the energy and capacity to dislike that same person.

When a marriage is really in trouble

• The couple comes into therapy and one of them does not care.

• It isn’t that they hate them , they just want out because it is over.

• The danger of fantasy bonds is that it nurtures and disguises the indifference and apathy that kills the intimacy between a couple.

Are the differences innate or learned?

The dangerous symptoms

• 1. Rigidity in form, patterns of interaction that cannot change.

• 2. Silence and being defended because of safety not being felt.

• 3. Denial of the reality.

• 4. Isolation and feelings of loneliness and not being understood.

Maybe there are just basic differences between men and women that will never be changed.

Or maybe the culture has such a wounding way of socializing the male and the female, the process of socialization makes it

near impossible to join in true intimacy.

My paradigm

• The male and female are more alike than different and since we are to become one, the changes need to be made in our hearts and minds since society is not going to make the needed changes.

How we make those changes will impact the quality of our marriage, family and love life together.

the end