MODERN FAMILY

"Full-Phil-ment"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY

A PLUMBER (late 40s) is sitting on the floor next to atoilet, staring into space.

Cameron walks in. The Plumber continues to stare. Cameronclears his throat. The Plumber still doesnt react. Cameronclears his throat a second time. Again no reaction. Cameronknocks on the door. The Plumber looks in the toilet for thesource of the knock.

CAMERONHello?

The Plumber looks at the toilet confused. He leans towardsthe toilet bowl.

PLUMBER(into toilet)

Hi.

CAMERONActually, Im over here by thedoor.

The Plumber turns his head and looks at Cameron.

CAMERONUh. How you doing in there?

PLUMBERGood. How are you?

CAMERONIm fine. So, uh, hows my toilet?

PLUMBERIts good. How are you?

CAMERONIm also good. So, I guess youredone here.

PLUMBERNo. I still got some work to do onyour toilet.

CAMERONRight. So, uh, have you figured outwhats wrong with it?

2.

PLUMBERWell. In laymans terms, it allbasically comes down to this: yourtoilet isnt working.

CAMERONRight. Thats kind of what Isuspected. Um. Do you know why thetoilet isnt working?

PLUMBERWell. Heres the way I see it. Themain problem is that your toiletwont flush.

CAMERONHm. Thats actually the way I seeit, too.

PLUMBEROh. So youre also a plumber?

CAMERONNot quite. I just know a littleabout toilets.

PLUMBEROh. You mean you dabble intoiletry?

CAMERON... Im pretty sure thats not whatI mean.

(Play intro)

(Resume scene)

The Plumber stares at Cameron for a few seconds.

PLUMBERMy wife. Shes cheating on me.

CAMERONOh. Thats, uh... you two are agreat couple. Youll overcome this.

PLUMBERYou dont know us.

CAMERONWell. I know a lot of couples likeyou. Uh--can I get you something todrink?

3.

PLUMBERWhiskey.

CAMERONI just bought a big bottle of freshpomegranate juice at Whole FoodsMarket.

PLUMBERGood. Pour it down the drain, andbring me whiskey.

CAMERONHow about Pepsi?

PLUMBERHow about whiskey?

CAMERONWell.

(sings to the tune of "LetsCall the Whole Thing Off")

I say potato / You say po-tah-to/ I say Pepsi / You say whiskey

Cameron smiles semi-nervously at the Plumber.

PLUMBER(sings to the tune of "JackDaniels, If You Please")

"Jack Daniels, if you please /Knock me to my knees."

CAMERON(sings to the tune of "TheWhiskey Aint Workin"

"The whiskey aint workinanymore."

PLUMBERChange the station.

CAMERONWell. Um.

The Plumber puts his ear up to the toilet and listens. Hethen grabs a plunger, and begins using it violently on thetoilet. Finally, he sits down next to the toilet, and looksback at Cameron.

PLUMBERMy wife is sleeping with my cousin.

4.

CAMERONI see. And do you want your whiskeyon the rocks?

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Phil walks in through the front door. A second later, Clairewalks in through the kitchen.

CLAIREHi honey.

They kiss.

CLAIREWhy are you home so early?

PHILYou know the house on Oak Street?Sold!

CLAIREYou sold a $2 million home!

PHILUh. Did Michael Jordan three-peattwice?

CLAIREPhil--I dont know what that means.

PHILThat means the home on MillerStreet--also sold!

CLAIREYou sold another $2 million home?

PHILDid Michael Jordan three-peattwice?

CLAIREAbsolutely! Wow, Phil! Youre onfire! You gotta get on your phoneand do some more selling.

PHILIm actually gonna take a few daysoff to...

5.

CLAIREYou gotta keep the momentum going.Its like youre Michael Jordan,youve scored 50 points, the gameis tied, and you just got a passfrom Lebron James. Shoot the ball!

PHILLebron James and Michael Jordanwere never on the same team. Theynever even played during the sameyear.

CLAIREFine. Youre playing blackjack, andthe dealer just gave you 11. Doubledown!

PHILIs the dealer Lebron James?

CLAIRESure.

PHIL.... Why would Lebron James bedealing blackjack cards?

CLAIREThe point is, you should go withthe momentum, and keep selling.

PHIL... Honey. Lets talk about...Purpose. Passion. Fulfillment.

CLAIREOK.

PHILI sold two homes today.

CLAIREYeah.

(puts up her hand)High five.

He gives her a high five.

PHIL(continues what he was saying)

And it was exciting at first, theway I thought it would be. But then

(MORE)

6.

PHIL (contd)the feeling died down. Thefulfillment just wasnt there. And,I mean, who is Phil, if Phildoesnt have fulfill-ment?

CLAIREUm. What?

PHILLet me state that another way. Iwant to add the full-ment to Phil.

CLAIREExcuse me?

PHILDo the math. Full-ment plus Philequals full-Phil-ment.

CLAIREWell. Right now, Phil sounds likehes full of something.

PHILHoney. I want to change careers....

(puts up his hand)High five.

CLAIREWhen Michael Jordan got a pass inthe championship game, I dontthink he walked off the court andsaid, "Im not playing basketballanymore. I mean, I want to addfull-ment to Michael.Full-Michael-ment."

PHIL(flips over his hand, looks athis palm, and then puts downhis hand)

Claire. That really made no sense.

CLAIREAnd you think youre making sense,with all your fulfillment math?

PHILYes.

7.

CLAIREWell what about money? Did you dothe math on that?

PHILI sold two homes today. And nowthat we have money, we wont beneeding any more money for a while.

CLAIREPhil--please stop talking to thatZen Buddhist guy at the gym. Justchit chat with all of those prettygirls in tight pants.

PHILI want to try out a new career.

CLAIREPhil--weve talked about this. Youcant be a magician. Or a gigolo.

PHILI can be an artist. ... Im gonnapaint. Paintings. Im gonna paintpaintings.

CLAIREAnything else?

PHILYes.

(puts up his hand)High five.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

(Documentary Scene interview)

PHIL(to camera)

Let me put it this way. The ballhas been passed to me, and now Imgonna shoot. Only the ball is apaintbrush. Its not a ball. ... Isthat Zen? I think thats Zen. Andcome to think of it, maybe the ideaof Lebron James dealing blackjackcards is also Zen.

8.

INT. JAY & GLORIAS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Gloria is talking to Manny.

GLORIADo you have any idea why Jay hasbeen playing video games so much?

MANNYMom. Let me explain something toyou about my relationship with Jay.I dont understand him, he doesntunderstand me. Thats the delicatebalance of nature that allows thisecosystem to work.

GLORIAHes a man in his 60s, and hebought himself one of thosebox-boxes.

MANNYYou mean x-boxes?

GLORIAWhatever. Hes always playing thebox-box. He was up till 1 amyesterday.

MANNYWell--the good news is that hedoesnt go to bed at 8 pm, likemost people his age. I mean, yourein your party years, hes in hisSocial Security years--but yourestill living in the same time zone.

GLORIAYou think Im still in my partyyears?

INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Cameron is on the phone.

INT. MITCHS OFFICE - DAY

Mitch answers his phone.

9.

MITCHYeah.

(Back and forth between Mitch & Camerons Home and MitchsOffice)

CAMERON(quietly)

I got a bit of a problem involvingthe plumber. Hes been here for twohours.

MITCHOur toilet must be really broken.

CAMERONNo. The plumbers head is broken.

MITCHOh. Have you tried using a plungeron it?

CAMERONHes acting crazy, because hethinks his wife is cheating onhim. I asked him to leave--but hesaid that he wanted to finish thejob. Should I call the cops?

MITCHYes. And make sure you talk to thedivision of Internal Affairs andToilets.

CAMERONMitch!

MITCHDont call the cops. Just go to thebathroom and have a man-to-man chatwith the plumber.

CAMERONI tired that. He thought my voicewas coming from the toilet! Andthat was before he started drinkingour whiskey. Can you come homeearly and help me deal with this?

MITCHWell. Im kind of busy doingsomething other than talking to adrunk plumber.

10.

CAMERONWell, how snobby of you. Youreunwilling to talk to the bluecollar working class.

MITCHCam. You know perfectly well thatone of my best friends is aplumber.

CAMERONWell why didnt we have him fix ourtoilet?

MITCHBecause having a friend fix yourtoilet is really awkward.

CAMERONAs opposed to having a drunkstranger sit next to your toiletand discuss his marriage with you.Thats not awkward at all!

MITCHCam. I gotta go.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Phil has an easel, canvas, and paint set up, and hesworking on a painting. (The painting remains concealed tothe TV viewer throughout the episode.) Hes wearing a scarfand flip flops.

Claire is sitting nearby on the sofa, watching TV. Haleywalks in.

HALEYHi mom.

CLAIREHi sweetie.

Haley sees Phil.

HALEYUm. Hi dad.

Phil turns around, stares at her for a few seconds, and thenturns around and continues working on his painting.

11.

HALEY(to Claire)

Uh. Two questions, mom. Whats fordinner?

CLAIRESpaghetti.

HALEYAnd, uh, which mental instituteshould we put dad in?

Phil turns around.

PHILHoney. I have a creative life thatbalances out my overall life. Ihave balance. When you think aboutit, that actually makes me sanerthan the rest of you. Im notinsane. Unless by "insanity," youmean that Im in a state of sanity.Im in sanity. How did I get there?Through work that bringsfulfillment.

He does a somersault, and then resumes working on hispainting.

HALEYI was kind of with you until thatwhole part about the somersault.

PHILSpaghetti!

Phi continues working on his painting.

CLAIRE(to Haley)

Honey. Were still looking for theright mental institute.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

(Documentary Interview Scene)

CLAIREApparently, Phil has entered hispost modernist phase. Its markedby vibrant colors and acrobaticbehavior.

12.

INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY

Gloria is putting a loaf of bread in her cart. COLLIN (21,good looking) is a few feet away from her.

COLLINIve been here for five minutes. Ihave no idea which bread to buy.Like, what should I look for in aloaf bread?

GLORIAI dont know. Ive been buying thesame kind for five years.

COLLINIm still trying to find the rightone.

She studies his body language. He seems very flirty.

GLORIAWell... I think you should keeplooking.

COLLINYou have the most amazing voice.Any time I hear you say something,I want you to just keep on talking.

GLORIA(confuses / surprised)

What?

COLLINSay "what" again.

GLORIAAre you doing the scene from PulpFiction?

COLLINWhat?

GLORIA"Say what again." You know.Thats what Samuel L. Jackson saidin Pulp Fiction

COLLINIve never seen that movie.

13.

GLORIAYeah. Its a little before yourtime.

COLLINMaybe we can watch it together.

GLORIAI dont know. Ill have to ask myhusband.

COLLINOK. How was your day, by the way?

GLORIAWhat?

COLLINLike I said. I just want to hearyou talk.

GLORIARight.

COLLINIf you were my wife, you know whatId do?

GLORIAIm afraid to ask.

COLLINId rush home every day to hearyour voice.

GLORIAYoure laying it on a littlethick--dont you think?

COLLINIll bet your husband doesnt askyou about your day. Does he?

GLORIA... How old are you?

COLLINYoure avoiding my question.

GLORIAYoure avoiding my question. Howold are you?

14.

COLLINIm an adult.

GLORIAHow adult are you? Put an age onyour adult.

COLLINYou see that six pack of Coronasover there? Im old enough to buyit.

GLORIAWell. Im old enough to buy a 12pack.

COLLINSo youre also 21?

GLORIAI turned 21 in the 90s. The decadewhen I was watching Pulp Fiction,and you were watching Spongebob.

COLLINLets focus on this decade. The onewhere Im a man who watches 20/20,and youre a woman who watches20/20.

GLORIAIm a married woman. And I watchDestilando Amor and Wheel ofFortune.

INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY

The Plumber is sitting on the floor next to the toilet,finishing a glass of whiskey. Cameron walks in.

CAMERONSo hows the toilet doing?

PLUMBERCan your bring over some morewhiskey?

CAMERONThat depends. Are you gonna drinkit, or pour it in the toilet?

15.

PLUMBERIm gonna drink it.

CAMERONWell. We have actually have a threedrink maximum in thisbathroom--cause we dont wantanyone to drown in the toiletwater. So, um, how about I drop youoff at a liquor store?

PLUMBERIm still not done fixing yourtoilet.

CAMERONThats OK. You can take it homewith you, and then fix it and mailit back to me.

The Plumber looks at Camerons wedding ring.

PLUMBERIs your wife cheating on you?

CAMERONI doubt it. I mean, werenewlyweds--not to mention the factthat my wife is a husband.

PLUMBERSYou mean both of you are homos?

CAMERONWell. In laymans terms, yes-bothof us are homos.

PLUMBERRight. Yeah. I actually detected alot of gayness from you. But Imjust so distracted with mymarriage, that I forgot about yourgayness.

CAMERONThats interesting. Youre thefirst person to ever forget aboutmy gayness after detecting it.

PLUMBERYou know, Ive never had aconversation with a gay before.

16.

CAMERONWow. Thats very surprising.Especially considering how you justreferred to two gay men as "homos,"and one gay man as "a gay."

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

The doorbell rings. Claire opens it to reveal Jay.

CLAIREHi dad.

JAYHi. I came to hang out with Luke.

CLAIREReally? Thats great. Hes in hisroom.

JAYAlright.

He begins walking up the steps. He comes back down, andexamines Phil painting shirtless.

JAY(to Claire)

Uh...

CLAIREHe sold $4 million worth of homestoday.

JAYGreat. That explains nothing.

(to Phil)Phil--keep up the good work.

Phil turns around, stares at Jay for a few seconds, and thengoes right back to working on his painting.

JAYRight. Ill be upstairs, if anybodyneeds me.

17.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKES ROOM) - DAY

Jay walks in.

JAYTime for a rematch.

LUKEIts on.

JAYYoure darn tootin its on. Itson like Donkey Kong.

INT. JAY & GLORIAS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

(Documentary Scene)

JAY(to camera)

In the 80s, I used to take Mitchelland Claire to the arcade. 323,915points. That was my Pac-Man highscore. I set the arcades recordback in 82. But a month ago, Iplayed a few games of Madden withLuke. He beat me. And now its on.Its on like Donkey Kong.Actually--its on like Pac-Man. Ieven ate bananas and cherries inpreparation for this. I haveproblems. I know.

INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY

Gloria in on her cell phone.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKES ROOM) - DAY

Jay is playing a Madden Football video game with Luke. Jaysphone rings. He pauses the game and takes the call.

JAYHello.

(Back and forth between the Supermarket and Lukes Room)

GLORIASome guy is flirting with me.

18.

JAYFlirting? Like, is he harassingyou?

GLORIANo. Its much more serious thanthat. Hes complimenting me.

JAYWhat?

GLORIASay "what" again, Jay! Say "what"again!

JAYUm. What? I mean, um. Honey. Didyou tell this guy that youremarried?

GLORIAYes. He continued to flirt. Hes inthe frozen foods section right now,and Im in cereal--but I think hesgonna talk to me again later. Soon.

JAYYou have your pepper spray?

GLORIAYes.

JAYGreat. Use it.

GLORIAIm not gonna pepper spray him justfor flirting with me.

JAYYou dont have to spray the wholebottle in his eyes. Just give himone spray in the general vicinity,and hell get the point.

GLORIAHe said that he likes my voice.

JAY... What?

19.

GLORIAJay. Dont say "what" again. Myvoice. He said he like it. He saidits like music to his ears.

JAYWell. In that case, you shouldprobably marry him.

GLORIAJay!

JAYGloria. If youre not gonna use thepepper spray, just leave thesupermarket.

GLORIABut we need groceries.

JAYWe can eat out. I hear IHOP servesa magnificent dish called a RootyTooty Fresh n Fruity.

GLORIAJay--you should come down here andmake sure this guy knows weretogether, so he wont get so freshand fruity with me.

JAYThats not really what fruitymeans.

GLORIAJay!

JAYGloria--Id love to come down thereand throw Pop Tarts at your newboyfriend. But Im in the middle ofsomething very important.

GLORIAWhat?

JAYIm, uh--Im spending quality timewith Luke.

20.

GLORIAOh. Well. I guess thats a goodexcuse.

JAYIts a great excuse.

GLORIAOK. I love you.

JAYI love you, too.

He hangs up.

JAYOK. Unpause the game. 3rd down.

Five seconds later, Luke scores a touchdown.

LUKEBoom! Seven to nothing. Next timeyou play me, make sure you stretchyour quads before kickoff.

Luke gets on the ground to do a lying quad stretch.

LUKELike this.

JAYThats it. Im taking you out of mywill.

INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY

The plumber is now sitting on the toiler (with his pantson). Cameron is standing next to him, holding a whiskeybottle.

CAMERONMore whiskey?

PLUMBERFill er up.

Lily walks in.

LILYDaddy--are you done with yourplaydate? Its been, like, threehours.

21.

CAMERONNo, honey. Were still drinkingpretend alcohol.

LILYAnd playing pretend toilet?

CAMERONNo. Were not playing pretendtoilet. Playing pretend toiletwould be very inappropriate. Thisis pretend bartender. You know. Imworking at a bar, and hes sittingat a bar.

LILYOh.

She walks up to the Plumber.

LILYIts my turn to sit at the bar.

The Plumber gets up. Lily sits on the toilet.

LILY(to Cameron)

OK, bartender. Ill have a glass oforange juice.

The Plumber stares at Cameron, not sure what to make ofeverything.

CAMERON(to Lily)

One glass of orange juice. Comingup.

He pours her an imaginary glass of orange juice.PLUMBER

(to Lily)You want some whiskey in thatorange juice?

CAMERONNo. No she doesnt. In thisestablishment, we dont servepretend whiskey to minors.

PLUMBERShe can pretend to be an adult.

22.

CAMERONLike the way youre pretending tobe a plumber?

PLUMBERI am a plumber.

CAMERONGreat. Then how about you plumb mytoilet?

PLUMBER(to Lily)

My wife is cheating on me.

LILYDaddy--what is he talking about?

CAMERONHis wife cheats whenever they playGo Fish.

LILY(to Plumber)

Your wife shouldnt cheat.

PLUMBERYes! Youre right. You understand.You know, if you were 30 yearsolder, Id leave my wife and marryyou.

LILYWell maybe you can find a wife atthe bar.

(points to an imaginary women)Like that woman over there.

PLUMBERShe looks like a gold digger.

LILYWhats a gold digger?

CAMERONIts someone who digs to find gold.

LILYOh. Lets play that.

She does some imaginary digging.

23.

LILYLook! I found gold! Lots of gold.Daddy--Im a gold digger!

INT. DUNPHY HOME (KITCHEN) - NIGHT

Phil is wearing a winter hat that covers his ears, and hesholding a box.

PHILI got you something.

CLAIREOK. Before I open it, let me askyou a question. Does this boxcontain your ear?

PHILWhat? No.

CLAIREThen why are you wearing that hat?

PHILHoney. Im in a creative field. Sosometimes I wear a hat, orsometimes I pet a cat, or sometimesI catch a rat.

CLAIREI dont know how to respond tothat.

PHILDo you think this hat makes me lookfat?

CLAIREWhat?

PHILNothing. I just got carried awaywith the rhyming thing. Open thebox.

CLAIREIts light.

She opens it.

24.

CLAIREIts empty.

PHILIt contains my soul.

CLAIREI see.

PHILNo. You cant see a soul.

CLAIRERight. So, uh, what do you want meto do with this soul?

PHILDont you see?

CLAIRENo. Thats the point.

He kisses her.

PHILWere soul mates. And now I wantyou to give me your soul.

CLAIRESo, uh--do you want me to put mysoul in a box?

PHILNo.

CLAIREI think I get it now?

PHILYou do?

CLAIREYes. You want me to put my soul ina bowl, after youre done putting acat in a hat.

PHILNow you get it.

CLAIREI dont think I do. Phil--what hellare we talking about?

25.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKES ROOM) - NIGHT

JAY(very loudly)

30, 20, 10--Touchdown! RussellWilson!

He starts doing a touchdown dance.

Claire walks in and looks at Jay.

JAYI, uh--I scored a touchdown.

CLAIREYeah. I can see. Youre sweating.

JAYIts, uh--your homes tooinsulated. Its hot in here.

CLAIREIts not that hot. Phil isdownstairs wearing a winter hat.Daddy--this is Pac-Man all overagain. The summer of 82. Rememberthat? The rivalry you had withTommy Jones?

JAYYeah. He was the second best intown. I was the best.

CLAIREYou were in your thirties. He wasin fifth grade!

JAYPac-Man isnt about age. Its aboutdots. And fruit.

CLAIREDad. I got Van Gogh hanging outdownstairs. I have an insanehusband.

LUKEDad says that "insanity" can alsomean that youre in a state ofsanity. In sanity.

26.

CLAIRERight. Yeah. Your fathers 100%right.

(to Jay)Dad--can you please balance outPhils insanity with your ownout-sanity? Try acting a littlenormal.

JAYClaire. Im just playing videogames with my only grandson. I likemy grandson, and I like videogames. It would be crazy for me notto play video games with mygrandson.

CLAIREHave you been talking to that ZenBuddhist guy at the gym?

INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

The doorbell rings. Cameron opens the door the reveal CLARA(45).

CLARAHi. Can I talk to Jeff?

CAMERONJeff?

CLARAThe plumber.

CAMERONRight. Jeff. For some reason, hereferred to himself as Jehosophat.

CLARANo. Thats what he calls hisplunger.

CAMERONOh. Well--Jehosopophat and Jeff areboth in the bathroom. Over there.

27.

INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (BATHROOM) - NIGHT

Clara walks in to the bathroom while Cameron watches.

JEFF / PLUMBERClara? How did you know I was here?

CLARAYou called me ten minutes ago andtold me where you were.

JEFF / PLUMBERRight. By the way

(looks at Cameron)--this is... whats your name?

CAMERONCameron.

JEFF / PLUMBERCameron. Im Jeff.

CAMERONOK, Jeff. Allow me to introducemy plunger, Jebediah.

JEFF / PLUMBER(to Clara)

Honey. This is Cameron. Hes ahomo. And he just got married. Youknow. Prop 8.

CAMERON(to Clara)

Hi.

CLARAHi. I voted no on Prop 8. Butcongratulations on your marriage.

CAMERONThank you?

JEFF / PLUMBER(to Clara)

Youre sleeping with my cousin!

CLARAAre you drunk?

JEFF / PLUMBERI used to be drunk on my love foryou. But now Im just drunk on thecrappy whiskey Jebediah gave me.

28.

CAMERONUm. Im Cameron. Remember? Myplunger is Jebediah. And for therecord, I serve the cheap whiskeyin our bathroom, and the goodwhiskey in our living room.

CLARA(to Jeff)

What makes you think that Imsleeping with Tony?

JEFF / PLUMBERI wasnt talking about Tony. I wastalking about John.

CLARAWhat makes you think Im sleepingwith John?

JEFF / PLUMBERYou both like that movie. The onewith that bearded guy. The funnyguy with the beard. You know thatmovie.

CLARAThe Hangover?

JEFF / PLUMBERYeah. You were both watching thatmovie and laughing.

CLARAThat doesnt mean Im sleeping withhim. Honey--I love you. You meaneverything to me.

JEFF / PLUMBERThe Hangover isnt even that good.

CLARAWell. Its pretty good.

JEFF / PLUMBERYeah. Its pretty good. But itsnot that good. There are some funnyparts, though. I like the beardedguy. And the Chinaman. And thatblack guy. The boxer.

Cameron drinks some whiskey straight out of the bottle,which is almost empty by now.

29.

JEFF / PLUMBERSo youre not sleeping with John?

CLARANo.

JEFF / PLUMBEROr Tony?

CLARAOr Tony.

JEFF / PLUMBER(points to Cameron)

Or this homo?

CLARAI dont even know this homo.Honey--I only have eyes for you.

(to Cameron)Hes the jealous type. This happensevery month or so.

CAMERONAh.

Cameron drinks some more whiskey out of the bottle.

JEFF / PLUMBERI love you, Clara. Come here.

They kiss very romantically, and dont stop.

CAMERONUm. Ill just leave you alone for aminute or two.

He closes the door.

CAMERONFeel free to fix the toilet whenyoure done.

INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

Cameron is sitting on the sofa and has the whikey bottle inhis hand.

Mitch walks in.

30.

MITCHSo. What happened with the plumber?

CAMERONYou missed the make up scene.

MITCHThe make up scene?

CAMERONYeah. Clara dropped by.

MITCHWhos Clara?

CAMERONJeffs wife.

MITCHWhos Jeff?

CAMERONJeff is the plumber, Clara is hiswife, and Jehosophat is theplunger. And it turns out thatClara wasnt sleeping with John. OrTony. Or the gay guy they refer toas a "homo."

MITCHWait. Are you talking about Days ofOur Lives?

CAMERONNo. Days of our bathroom.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKES ROOM) - NIGHT

Jay is on the phone with Gloria.

JAYHey, honey. Im done with myquality time. I won 17-14 inovertime. I mightve cheated,though.

31.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKES ROOM) - NIGHT

(Earlier / Flashback)

Jay knocks the controller out of Lukes hand.

LUKEHey!

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKES ROOM) - NIGHT

GLORIA (V.O.)Oh.

JAYIs that guy still flirting withyou?

INT. CAR - NIGHT

GLORIANo. Im on my way home.

(Back and forth between the Car and Lukes Room)

JAYYou know, Im kind of in the moodto have it out with him now. Didyou get his license plate number oranything?

GLORIAI dont think hes old enough todrive. Jay--let me ask yousomething. Do you want to hearabout how my day was?

JAYAbsolutely.

GLORIADo you want to hear it in my voice?

JAYI want to hear everything in yourvoice. I dont understand half ofwhat youre saying, but I like thesound of it all.

32.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

Phil is alone. His easel is turned so the canvas is facing awall.

PHIL(announcing to the rest of thehome)

Everyone come here! Its time forthe art exhibit!

Claire and Haley come in from the kitchen.

Luke and Jay come down the stairs.

JAYThis should be interesting.

Alex walks in through the front door.

PHILAlex. Perfect timing.

ALEXUm. What did I miss?

CLAIRELong story.

HALEY(to Alex)

Short version: dads insane.

LUKEBut only because hes in sanity.

CLAIREOh. And hes adding full-ment toPhil. Dont forget that part.

HALEYGreat. That explains nothing.

PHIL(addressing everyone)

OK, guys. I know Ive been acting alittle weird today.

JAYNo weirder than usual.

33.

PHILI just--I realized that I wanted todo more than sell homes. Or domagic. I mean, Im not abandoningreal estate. Or magic. Or being agigolo. But anyways. Withoutfurther ado. Here it is.

He turns around the easel and reveals the painting. (Itstill remains concealed to the TV viewer.)

HALEYThats... good.

ALEXIm still not clear on whats goingon right now. What exactly isfull-ment?

CLAIRE(to Phil)(referring to painting)

I like it. I mean, I also like itwhen you sell $4 million in homesper day. But its a nice painting.

JAYI gotta say. Its a great painting.

PHILDo you mean, it, Jay?

JAYAbsolutely. You know what? Id behonored if youd let me buy it, andhang it in my home. Now, I cantgive you $4 million for it.

PHILHow about 3.9 million?

JAYSold. Send me the bill.

CLAIRE(to Phil)

Wow. Youre really on a roll,honey. That brings you up to $7.9million for the day. Go sellsomething else.

Jay grabs the painting and walks towards the door.

34.

JAYAlex. Open the door for me.

Alex opens it.

Jay walks out with the painting.

ALEXHm. So. Whats for dinner?

HALEYSpaghetti!

INT. GYM - DAY

Jay is on a rowing machine, and BOB (40) is on the machinenext to his.

JAYSo, I tried that Zen meditationthing you taught me. But, how do Iknow when Ive experiencedenlightenment?

Bob seems mesmerized by something.

JAYBob?

BOBSorry, Jay. I was a littledistracted by that girl in tightpants.

JAYThats my wife.

BOBThats your wife?

The camera reveals an attractive 40 year old WOMAN on anelliptical machine.

JAYJust kidding. Thats my wife.

He points to Gloria, whos also wearing tight pants, and onanother elliptical machine.