Module 3: Co-creating conversations

Live Session Date: March 14th, 2017 - AM session

Presenter: Judith E. Glaser CEO, Benchmark Communications, Inc. Chairman, The CreatingWE Institute

Quotable Quotes/Tweets “Uncertainty is more arousing than what’s familiar” “People must have dreams but at the same time have the courage to put one foot in front of the other when heading down the road.” M. Frieze. “Aspiration means to breath: breathing hope into fear and optimism into pessimism.”

Overview of Session Opening - Facebook Threads Session focus Case studies C-IQ tools Conversational Essentials Homework

Key Points Discussed Aspirations and the brain Goals and Aspirations Neuroscience of Conversations Limiting to Expanding Conversational Roadmap Aspiring leaders Artifact Ritual Creating Spaces Rules Of Engagement Distrust and Trust

Polyvagal Theory Aspiring Cultures Conversational Matrix 3 Levels of Conversation Conversational Essentials: Asking questions for which you have no answers. Case Study: Museum Tools: C-IQ MAtrix, Rules of Engagement and Wisdom of the 5 brains.

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Notes Facebook threads - There is a lot of learning and information. Mastermind groups - check on Facebook Judith’s grandson: I have more words to say… and more questions to ask. Oxytocin was very high as he had his b’day party.

Mother infant bonding - dopamine is associated with human bonding - reward system. The amygdala assesses the amount of cortisol indicating mother-infant bonding.

Aspirations and the Brain What happens to our brain when we have expectations?

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Expectations (limit possibilities) vs. Aspirations (open up possibilities)

● expectations come with positive and negative, good and bad; they come with judgment

● yet as coaches, we practice and encouraging others to stay open to possibilities, push back bias and judgment, enable more of a story to emerge, and enable us to have a positive influence on the outcome

● we need to learn how to move with and not against partners ● We are designed to create space for aspirations and dreams to grow through

conversations ● The neurochemistry of aspirations is aut how different conversations activate

chemicals and networks that either open or close the space for aspirations to grow. How the brain really works?

"Aspiration Means to breathe: breathing hope into fear, and optimism into pessimism. "

-Judith E. Glaser

● As we learn to breathe with & get in sync with others, we create a symphony of connectivity

● No one needs to teach us aspirations -they are natural,universal ,and lifelong desires everyone wants to do well, to contribute, and to be included

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How do we create the right space to have aspirations fulfilled? To have conversations is a group and we want to talk about the future we need to create an environment where people open up and they feel liked and accepted. How? This is the challenge that we as coaches face. What is the problem/challenge? Frame it as an aspiration and then reframe… How do we move to this space?

● Aspirations first recorded in 1400 ● breathing ● Aspirations and goals live in a different part of the brain and activate different

networks ● Goals ancho us - aspire is buoyancy ● Aspirations - co-creating - co-regulating - lifting up - Level III - we give more space

Neuroscience of the amygdala Amygdala - the emotion of fear we need these cluster of neurons to feel afraid. How do you respond to the word fear? double click on it. :

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Cunningham and Brush

“uncertainty is more arousing than what is familiar.”

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Conversational Roadmap Creating the space for aspirations

Stress reduces the size of the brain.

How do we create space? ● Because the feel of the space around us activates our brains ● The more we lower cortisol and raise oxytocin the more readily we bond and

connect.

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● As we move forward, we'll be learning to trigger the Prefrontal Cortex more and more

● Ask questions for which I have no answers ● I to We - voices are heard ● Enable people to voice their thinking

Q: Relationship between dopamine and oxytocin? A: Dopamine exudes some behaviours- I want more Oxytocin gets elevated- a dopamine high elevated the appetite Introverts may learn extrovert behaviours when oxytocin is elevated - brain works like a symphony. Aspiring Leaders:

Keep aspirations alive! Aspirational Leaders have the ability to see bigger and envision further and that activates our ability to take action and be courageous in the face of challenges. What elevates courage? "People must have dreams but at the same time have the courage to put one foot in front of the other when heading down a new road. " Michael Frieze of Gordon Brothers

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Expanding the space around us has been a theme for all cultures around the world forever

● Enter a space where new energy is created - achieve aspirations. ● As we open up our brain space to create more room for us to think about other

people,and bring them into our life and begin co-creating with them, it literally changes our chemistry in dramatic ways.

● merging with an animal, plant, or person - co-creating something special ● bridging science with the metaphysical ● it's time to translate some of this ancient wisdom into true coaching

This exercise is a great opener.

● increases oxytocin and dopamine ● primes for trust

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● engages participants ● activates trust ● risk taking is not always dangerous ● we can find things in common ● like me button lights up

Spaces - Humans - rats and culture:

There are many different types of space: mental space, physical space,and so on

● space and rats ● humans are very much like rats - almost 99% like them

how rats respond in different sized spaces?

● half small space underground ● half larger space above ground o same size rat family

what did the space have to do with the rats? again, we all have expectations

● small space, rats went nuts, actually started eating each other ● in a large enough space, they actually worked together ● how is this important for business and teams and how we work together? ● we need to realize how important a space is ● space and fish in a bowl ● single fish ● added 4 more fish still pretty big ● put Plexiglas between original fish and friends for 3 months ● took away the Plexiglas

How did the fish react after Plexiglas was removed?

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● even without the barrier, none of the fish crossed over ● researcher only put food on the left side with the 4 fish ● the little fish did not cross over and unfortunately passed away ● like fish, people pattern into the space that they are given ● even humans have patterning that prevent us from crossing over ● as coaches notice not only individual behaviors but also group behaviors ● unlike the fish, we CAN impact these boundaries but onlyif we know limits exists ● size and shape of aspirations can be affected by making the invisible visible

When we feel limited or trapped it take away our space to grow.

It is very important to continuously check the space. Ask people;What are they feeling? Questions? This make people feel included.. from limiting to expanding. Yet many organizations have developed limitations that fill the organization with "invisible street signs" Limitations:

● power and politics ● control ● arrogance ● ego ● Invisible Street Signs ● Don't go there ● You can't do this. ● Save face, blame, and protect

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● You don't know that ● There are many ways that our leaders -without realizing it - interact with people that

create barriers, limit their range, and limit aspirations. ● They create an environment that limits vs expands

As coaches, help them deconstruct their conversations and behaviors, to help them see the impact they are having on others -and then activate their aspirations to become bigger, better leaders In the face of negativity and limiting beliefs, our courage and ambition shrivel. Opening up aspirations makes the impossible possible!

How to be an experimentor: Prime the Space - using rules of engagement From limiting to expanding Q: How does the physical space affects our emotional state? A:We are hardwired for safety Co-creating → Mirror neurons Humanizing → PFC and Heart Brain Aspiring → Rostromedial and PFC

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Neuroscience of Conversations:

Healthy Connections: Oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin Unhealthy Connections: Cortisol, testosterone, norepinephrine trust is the platform to go from the lower brain to the upper brain. Safe space: distrust lower brain - trust upper brain Down-regulate and up-regulate - the space change to create our environment.

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The interaction dynamics of trust and distrust: Cortisol: Flight, fright, freeze and appease Oxytocin: PFC: Wisdmo Integrity Stratefy Empathy/Compassion Foresight Insight Trust

Simultaneity: The power of word… “Words create worlds” Amygdala produces cortisol - They are still activated when we are appreciating - we auto-regulate - conscious regulation. - we activate it when we trust. When we are not in synch it affects our heart When we are in synch - it also affects our heart. Eye contact is very important - it releases oxytocin. Helping our clients to be in synch is part of our job.

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Polyvagal Theory: Stephen Porges Ph.D

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How do we warm the environment? How do we create a safe space? How do we connect? Aspiring Cultures:

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To understand the conversational Levels we have the Matrix.

Understand the levels of conversation: Level I - Transactional - Tell / ask - Confirm what we know Level II - Positional - Advocate/inquire - Defend what we know Level III Transformational - Share/discover - Discover what we don’t know. Making the invisible visible:

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Mistakes people make: Level I - Too much telling. Level II - Addicted to being right

Q: Do we have to be in Level III all the time? A: no. We need to be in healthy states all the time. Push - Pull Conversational Essentials: Asking questions for which you have no answers.

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● Create a safe space ● Vagal Nerve ● enables so- regulation ● The moment you get to… What if we…( it is magical) ● Experiment ● Persuado - no / Lead - no

The power of Co-regulation:

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Case Study: Museum

• The director of a museum wanted to use the center courtyard to showcase all of the best pieces of the museum in a single show-stopping place - and was tenacious about this idea • However, the curators didn't view it in the same way - they thought of it as losing their best pieces and that visitors to their exhibit would be cheated from seeing the best there • Judith was brought in after 3 other consulting companies failed, and the director was frustrated to the point where he thought he might have to fire curators. (No pressure!) • Judith had an advocate who suggested to Judith,"You have the ability to open the space" - which no one had tried before. • She decided to neutralize the angst out of the project as much as possible, by rephrasing the problem as 'What's the next level of aspiration for the museum? • In Discovery,Judith was aware of the history around this one idea and conclusion to date. But she viewed her job as opening up the space for many, many ideas of how the project COULD go. • There were 18 curators. With a smaller team,Judith might have met with each person for up to an hour With this larger group, she decided to do a 15-minute "speed interview" all in one day with each of the 18 curators,to ask them to answer two questions:

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1. What are the biggest challenges that you see right now in your role in this project? 2. What are your biggest aspirations moving forward? Some had answers right away; others needed more time -and either way okay. Everyone went away with two questions they could answer and bring forward into the next meeting. • Judith's plan was to begin nudging people in the direction of knowing what their aspirations where, knowing where we were going, a road make - knowing that the more they could see the "next steps" the more they could be present and the better their chances of uniting She asked herself, "How can I create positive chemistry - even before the meeting?" She wanted to shift the curators closer to Experimentor, instead of Resistor, at the start • Looked for a common theme to unite them - by asking them to describe common points of their experiences: struggles, challenges, and aspirations. Helping them to see they did have things in common, instead of nothing in common. Helping to create connection. Before they were only voicing opposition opinions, and nothing about commonalities • Judith served "Conversational Cocktails" before everyone came into the room to meet. Shared the commonalities to create connection and empathy - that they weren't adversaries, they wanted many of the same things. Now Judith had to dive deeper into the curators' aspirations to see if we could meet some of them as well. Once they got into the meeting they were more willing to share with each other. • Put the same Conversational Dashboard up in the room. Judith was able to check in with them about where they were at that moment - even if they were resistant - at least they know where they are. We often need a mix of people in all areas of the dashboard to get conversation going • People came in the room feeling that something was different.

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Asked them to share those two things at the beginning: challenges and aspirations. Put them on the wall so people could see them. People look at the board as you are writing and view it as some new history.It's like a cave drawing - they get to see the drawing on the wall. • Then team building and recognizing the individuals -the "I" before the 'WE" "Let's go around the room. We have 19 of the most incredible curators in the world here. I'd love for you to speak to what you like most about each of the curators in the room." Spent two hours and spoke about each of the curators in the room. Blown away by the gentleness and sensitivity of what they shared with each other. Dramatically shifted the room chemistry. A couple of people said, "I love it when you do this, and I'd love it even more if..." Moving from I-centric to WE-centric. The I inside of the We. They don't lose themselves -they get to uncover MORE of themselves. • Anytime you hear "consensus building," double-click on it. In consensus building, people give up and give in to be part of a team and to be included, even when they know they are right. This can lead to team or group break-down later Consensus building is no longer a solution. We have to build up the individual voices, and strength the "I" inside the 'WE." • Judith's Meeting Agenda: Created space for them to be in the "I" before moving them into the 'WE" Rules of Engagement Conversational Dashboard Worked together on Day One, allowed them the next day to think and integrate, and met together as a group again on Day Three • Instead of working to the lowest common denominator of the first idea thrown out,

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Judith got them primed to work together by suggesting MANY high-level ideas right from the beginning. Then they got to build on those great ideas and open the space for more. • What is the challenge that they all shared? They all felt that the loss of their best pieces was going to diminish and limit them.They were feeling the death of their aspirations and their identities which were those best pieces.Moving from expanding to limiting - instead of from limiting to expanding. If we don't want to put our best stuff in the center, what COULD we do to create something together in the center of the museum? • They looked across the world to see what the world had in common at different times in history. Near the 1850's, there was a new color of blue that appeared in the room that no one had noticed before. What OTHER ideas could be mined when they all came together? They discovered that it was more than just the blue. It's not a big thing, they're just pods. They found a number of pods to showcase that no other museum in the world had. • From Michelle:P.O.D.S. = Potential,Openness, Discovery, Synchronized! • At the end of the meeting, they brought the director in and presented thisidea to him,and he got so excited. He wanted to save all the flip charts as their history of how this project got started. • After three years of trying to get these curators together with other consulting groups,it took Judith about two weeks. She listened to their concern and their worries. Their concerns weren't new, and they heard the director, but they hadn't connected. The moment they could put words to their feelings it opened it up. They all wanted to move forward together and create a solution that would please the director and give him a special central exhibit - but not in a way that took their best away.

• Many people can relate to the idea of a director wanting something great for

everyone on the team, but not being able to encourage them to contribute. The idea of consensus building is passe

Instead move from 1-dentity and 1-dea to WE-dentity and WE-dea

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Q: What is nudging? A: Instead of selling something, or make a hard request or pushing… you soften it and move people in the direction you want them to go. Tools and frameworks. Levels of Conversation:

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Key words: Inform - Persuade - Co-create Experimentor - always embody C-IQ while introducing. Look at your company… Where do you see this? Where would you like it to be? Rules of Engagement:

Creating the space.

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Wisdom of the 5 Brains:

Please read the book: Chapters 4 and 5 All the one pagers are in the member’s area. Please review the Facebook page for more questions.

Notes submitted by : Gabriela Herrero CPCC

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