MR. CLEMENS · Bixby'sSnag fifty yards offthe port bow! VOICE 1. Bixby'sSnag fifty yards offthe...

MR. CLEMENSAND MR. BROWN

A Comedy Based on the Life and Imagination

of Mark Twain

by

SALLY NETZEL

Dramatic PublishingWoodstock, Illinois • England • Australia • New Zealand

© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois

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©MMbySALLY NETZEL

Printed in the United States of AmericaAll Rights Reserved

(MR. CLEMENS AND MR. BROWN)

ISBN 0-87 129-820-1


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4.4.produced by special arrangement withTIlE DRAMATIC PUBUSHING COMPANY of Woodstoc~ lllinois llll


MR CLEMENS AND MR. BROWN, then entitled SAM,received its world premiere at the Dallas Theater Center onJuly 13, 1976. The production was directed by Bryant J.Reynolds and included the following artists:

CAST

Brown . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. JOHN FIGLMaLER

Livy Clemens . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. JACQUE THOMAS

Sam Clemens RYLAND MERKEY

Burglar. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. JAN ENSIGN

Mrs. Stowe MARY SUE JONES

Jane Clemens . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. CHERYL DENSON

Jean Clemens LAURA THOMPSON

Clara Clemens GRETCHEN BRADY

Susy Clemens . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. LAURA WORTHEN

Frau Kruger. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . CELESTE VARRICCHIO

Paperboy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. STEVE LOVETI

Mr. Burrows JOHN HENSON

Mrs. Orielle. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. REBECCA LOGAN

Mrs. Gashly. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. M.G. JOHNSTON

Robert Chahal JOHN LOGAN

PRODUCTION STAFF

Setting Design by . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. STEVE WALLACE

Costume Design by PAMELA JENSEN

Lighting by RANDY MOORE


MR. CLEMENS and MR. BROWN

A Play in Two ActsFor 3 Men, 6 Women, 2 children

CHARACTERS*

SAM CLEMENS an American humorist, successful, 50BROWN Sam's alter ego, a young SamLIVY CLEMENS Sam's wife, attractive, motherly) 42MRS. STOWE . . . . . .. Harriet Beecher Stowe, a neighborJANE CLEMENS Sam's mother, about 70SUSY CLE:MENS Sam's oldest daughter, a proper 16CLARA CLEMENS the middle daughter, age 10JEAN CLE:MENS the youngest, a questioner, age 8MRS. ORIELLE a society ladyMRS. GASHLY . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. her wide-eyed followerROBERT CHABAL . . . . . . . . . . . a young French diplomat

TIME and PLACE

Act OneScene One: Early morning, various rooms in the Clemens

house, Hartford, Connecticut, July 2, 1885.Scene Two: The same, early morning, July 3.

Act TwoThe same, late afternoon, July 4.

*Additional character notes can be found at end of playbook.


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

SCENE: Playing areas in the Clelnens hOlne include SAMand LIVY's bedrooln, a living room with a door to thekitchen, a landing with doors leading to bedroOlns of thegirls and JANE, a dining area. At the highest level is thebilliard rOOln. Downstage, outside, right to left, is a pathleading to a garden at one side and the town at theother.

AT RISE: It is before dawn, July 2. The cyclorama lightsrise and silhouette the house. A snzall spot hits BROWNstanding behind the brass headboard of SAM and LIVY'sbed. SAM and LIVY are in the bed, asleep. BROWNholds a spyglass or billiard cue used as one in one handand with the other steers the boat with the bed headboard-wheel. Fog rises around hiln, and Q fog hornsounds in the distance. BROWN is currently in charge ofSAM's drealn. The sound of paddle boat engines andthrashing water fades in and then under the voices.

BRO\VN. Fog comin' in over Hat Island! Sound!

VOICE 1 (far offstage). Sound!

VOICE 2 (farther ofj). Mark three!

VOICE 1 (relaying the inforlnation). Mark three!

7


8 MR.. CLE:MENS AND MR. BROWN Act I

BROWN. Reefs are high, boys! Slow 'er down! (Rings aship's bell, real or otherwise.)

VOICE 2. Quarter-less-twain!VOICE 1. Quarter-less-twain!BROWN. Yahoo! She's over the first reef! (Rings bell.)VOICE 2. Half-twain!

VOICE 1. Half-twain!BROWN. Hold yeT breath!VOICE 2. Mark twain!VOICE 1. Mark twain!BROWN. Stand by now, easy does it!VOICE 2. Seven-and-a-half feet!VOICE 1. Seven-and-a-half feet!VOICE 2. Seven feet! She'}] not make it!

VOICE 1. Seven feet!

(There is a grating sound of hull on gravel. BROWNlurches at the wheel, SAM turns over abruptly in bed.)

VOICE 2. We've hit bottom!VOICE 1. We've hit bottom, Captain!BROWN (ringing bell). Now, let her have it! Every ounce

you've got! Pull her down hard! Lift her! Lift her!

(The boat grates painfully on gravel, followed by releasewith a rush of churning water. Voices off yell approvalwith BROWN.)

Yahoo! Over she goes! Don't lay down, boys. Lab'ardlead, there! Lab'ard lead! Sound!

VOICE 2. Mark twain!


Act I MR. CLE~NSAND MR. BROWN 9

VOICE 1. Mark twain!

(Lights rise slowly on bedroom where SAM tosses in hisdrealn and bed. LIVY lies next to hiln, asleep.)

VOICE 2. Walnut Bend straight ahead!

VOICE 1. Walnut Bend straight ahead!

VOICE 2. Bixby's Snag fifty yards off the port bow!

VOICE 1. Bixby's Snag fifty yards off the port bow!

VOICE 2. Quarter-twain!VOICE 1. Quarter-twain!

(Outside on the path, a shado\1) scoots erratically along.This is MRS. STOWE, out for her Inorning constitutional. LIVY stirs, sits up, looks around. SAM's drealncontinues with BROWN annoyed at LIVY's interruptions.She and everyone else is unaware of BROWN. MRS.STOWE exits.)

BROWN. Deep water all the way to Saint Loo-ee now.Start about fifty yards above the woodpile on the falsepoint ...

LIVY. Sanl?

BROWN. Hold on the cabin under Plum Point 'til you raisethe reef quarter-Jess twain ...

LIVY. Sam. Sam, wake up.

BROWN. Then straight up for the middle bar ...

LIVY. Sam!

BROWN. Shush up, woman! Boys, get abreast of the oldone-limbed cottonwood and head on the low place abovethe point, and come through a-boomin'!

LIVY. Sam, wake up!


10 MR. CLE~NSAND MR. BROWN Act I

BROWN. Sta'board lead, there! Sta'board lead!LIVY. Sam!SAM (waking suddenly). What?! Where are we? Have we

grounded?LIVY. Sam, I think there's somebody in the house.SAM. No problem, deep water all the way to ... Why,

hello, Livy!LIVY. You were dreaming, Sam, steering a riverboat in

your sleep again.SAM. Yes! And doing a damn fine job of it. Livy, if I can

do that when I'm asleep, just think what I could do if Iwas dead!

(BROWN laughs. LIVYfrowns.)

LIVY. Sam, pay attention. Someone's prowling around thishouse! Maybe a burglar!

SAM. Probably Ma or one of the girls.LIVY. Please go and look, Sam, I'm frightened.SAM (getting up). All right, don't get in a panic. (Gets his

pants and pulls rheIn on over his nightshirt.)LIVY. Hurry, Sam!SAM. Now, Livy, suppose that's somebody important

down there-President Cleveland come to call, or QueenVictoria, or maybe even a millionaire like our plumberyou wouldn't want me to receive him without my pants,'Nould you?

LIVY. Sam!SAM. All right, I'm going.

(SAM goes cautiously out of the bedroonz and peersaround. BROWN follo1'vS and purposely slams the bed-


Act I MR. CLEMENS AND MR. BROWN 11

room door, frightening LIVY. SAM turns to BROWN andshushes him, whispering. BROWN speaks at a normalvolume, heard only by SAM.)

SAM (cont'd). Dammi~ Brown, don't ... don't slam the door.You know Livy hates it,

BROWN. Hell, Sam, what don't Livy hate? She don't evenlet you dream in peace. We was havin' a good one,wasn't we?

SAM. We were having a noisy one. You see a burglar anywhere?

BROWN. Ain't none here. As long as we're up, how abouta couple hunderd quick games?

SAM. No. Livy wants me to give up consorting with lowcharacters like you.

BROWN. Hellfire, don't she know I made you what youare? Not that that's anythin' to brag about.

SAM. You got it wrong, Mr. Brown. I invented you, notvice versa. Invented you, then couldn't find a story toput you in. Dh, there's a little piece of you here in TheGilded Age, another little piece here and there, I forgetwhat. Mostly you just been botherin' me ever since Ithought you up.

BROWN. You sure?

SAM. Sure I'm sure. Otherwise, other folks could see youand not me. And that ain't the case.

BROWN. Well, all I can say is, the human race is danmedfer sure, havin' to gaze on yer ugly mug when theymight be admirin' mine.

SAM. The human race is damned either way. Now goaway. I'm going back to bed with my wife.


12 :MR. CLEl\1ENS AND :MR. BROWN Act I

BROWN. It's a damn shame you didn't keep yerself purefor old Becky. Remember old Becky?

SAM. Go away.

(SAM tiptoes into bedroom. BROHIN slalns the door behind him; LIVYjumps and SAM winces. BROWN thumbshis nose at both of rheIn and goes to billiard rOOln,

chalks up.)

Sorry, Liv, I know how you hate that.

LIVY. Men slamming doors, like little boys. Never mind.What was it? Did you see anyone?

SAM (renzoving pants). No one, no one at all.LIVY. Are you sure?SAM. Not a living soul, just a mouse or two. Although I

suppose it's an arguable point as to whether or not micehave souls. Hope not. Terrible burden, a soul.

LIVY. Sam, are you telling me the truth?SAM. Well, I'm not an expert on either souls or mice.

LIVY. The truth about the burglar!

SAM (getting back into bed). As far as I know how to tellthe truth. I"ve been lying for so many years, I can't tellwhat is from what ain't anymore.

LIVY. You're lying just to make me feel better.

SAM (nuzzling her). Best use for a lie I know of. I aim tomake you feel fine, always.

LIVY. Don't change the subject.SAM. ~1rs. Clemens, there'ts no burglar and I love you

two truths in one breath. I hope that effort don't kill me.Good night.

LIVY. Good night, dear.


Act I ~. CLEMENS AND MR. BROWN 13

(LIVY rolls over and goes to sleep, but SAM is wideawake. In the billiard room, BROWN is playing andsmoking a cigar. SAlvI sniffs the arOlna and hears theclick of the balls. He creeps out of bed and goes to thebilliard rODIn.)

BROWN. Yer busted out of yer bunk early.SAM. May I join you?BROWN. Fifty cents a game?SAM. I'm already in debt to you ... how much is it?

BROWN. I reckon it to be around two-hundred thousanddollars. You don't want to quit, do you?

SAM. Don't reckon I can afford to.BROWN. Chalk up, then. Have a seegar.

(SAM lights up. They play, easy with the game and eachother.)

SAM. I promised Livy I'd give up cigars.BROWN. That female's gonna ruin you.

SAM. No, she's gonna make me. There ain't much of her,but what's there assays out pure gold. She says cigarsare a filthy vice.

BROWN. Well, sure! Vice is a sign of being a rich man.How's anybody gonna know yer rich if you don't havesome vices?

SAM. Still, I did promise.BROWN. Yer gonna go to hell.SAM. I don't believe in hell.

BROWN. Then why you so damn skeered of it?SAM (ailning). Watch this, young fella! (Shoots.)

BROWN. Nice shot for a sinner.


14 MR. CLEMENS AND MR. BROWN Act I

SAM. Wish I could write as good as I play.BROWN. Worried, ain't ya? Of what the great American

public is gonna say about HuckLeberry Finn.SAM. Not the public. The newspapers.BROWN. You know they ain"t gonna git it. Don't under

stand nothin' simple. You jest copied down everythin ~

we did and heared about when we was kids, with a terrible lot 0' blowin' off at the mouth and downright lying.(Makes a shot.) See that? Caromed as pretty as buckshot off a tin privy .

SAM. Brown, you got to get to talking proper so you cantake your place in the society to which I've become accustomed.

BROWN. Fat chance. Gol-derned, high-falutin' ...SAM. Everybody's got to change. Progress.BROWN. You gettin' harder and stuffier every day ... run

nin' around with all them snobby folks--gettin' yourmind polluted with morals and such-runnin' withpreachers ~n ~ congressmen 'n' ladies ...

SAM. Strike out ....congressnlen.~" lain 't sunk that low.

(Morning light starts to rise. JANE CLEMENS, motherof SAM, cOlnes out of her rOOln, stretches and scratchesand goes off to the kitchen. LIW wakes, dons robe. Focus should relnain with the t)-vo lnen.)

BROWN. See, there you go, censorin' like you was Livy!Why she cut the best parts out of Huck, and what she"sdoin" to you now-makin" you write that claptrap aboutJoan of the Arc, bunch of virgin muck if ever there was.

SAM. I'm writing for my daughters, Brown. I don ~t wantthem to be ashamed of me.


Act I MR. CLEMENS AND MR. BROWN 15

BROWN. Ashamed fer what?SAM. For not being a serious writer. For being a humorist.

I reckon Livy thinks a humorist is about the lowest formof life-rates 'em above Catholics and way below Presbyterians.

(LIVY hears the clack of the balls and starts up to thebilliard room.)

BROWN. Don't let 'enl get to you, Sam.

SAM. Nobody's out to get me. Persecution complexes arefor literary types, not storytellers.

BROWN. Whadyasay we cut out of here, go back west?

SA11. For a figment of my imagination, you're crazier thanyou ought to be. You want to give all this up? Think ofthe plumbing alone!

BROWN. Us figments don't give a fig fer plumbing. I hearSan Francisco's got modern improvements nOV.i, too.

(LIVY reaches door to billiard rooln and hears SAM.)

SAM. If you go, you go without me. You're crazier than adog with an ant up his ass. The idea of leaving ...

LIVY (entering billiard rODln). Sam? A ~ ~what up hi swhaC'?

SAM. Tick on his tail. Much better, HTick on his tail,"yessir.

LIVY. I hope no one else ever hears you talking to yourself. I don 'Jt mind it. I've gotten used to it. But it seemsstrange, dear, running around in your nightshirt, playingbilliards with yourself, muttering language ...

SAM. I don't mutter. I speak plain as day.


16 MR. CLEMENS AND MR. BROWN Act I

LIVY (fussing about room, emptying ash trays, fanningsmoke). It's time to get up. Your mother will havebreakfast ready soon. I told her we could get somebodyin to cook until we can replace the one she insulted lastweek. Calling her an Irish mackerel-snapper, whateverthat is. But she insists.

SAM:. Gives her somethjng to do. She's like a pig in cloverin our kitchen with the inside pump.

LIVY. You have to start working on your Fourth of July

speech today. Congressman Bowls is giving the main address, you know.

SAM. Ah, yes! Congressman Bo\\rls-as fine a bag of gas

that ever passed a resolution.

(BROWN laughs, claps SAM on the shoulder. LIVY looksout a window and sees MRS. STOWE, an ancient WOlnan

in a hoop skirt, riding a bicycle on the path. She sings"Camptown Races" and rings the bicycle bell on the'·Doo-dah. " She is lnad, but has 1noments of lucidity andalways retains her own kind of mad dignity.)

STOWE. HCamptown ladies sing this song, Doo-dah! Doodah! Camptown race track five miles long, Oh, doo-dahda !"y.

LIVY. Oh, my goodness! There's Mrs. Stowe! Riding a bicycle!

SAM. She"s up early. That looks like the paperboy's bicycle, wouldn't you say?

LIVY. Sam, do something!

SAM. Why? She's not hurting anything. Looks to me likeshe"s enjoying herself.

LIVY. She must have escaped again. Sam!


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