MUDFOGANDOTHERSKETCHES

BYCHARLESDICKENS

MUDFOGANDOTHERSKETCHES

PUBLICLIFEOFMR.TULRUMBLE—ONCEMAYOROFMUDFOG

Mudfogisapleasanttown—aremarkablypleasanttown—situatedinacharminghollowbythesideofariver,fromwhichriver,Mudfogderivesan agreeable scent of pitch, tar, coals, and rope-yarn, a rovingpopulationinoilskinhats,aprettysteadyinfluxofdrunkenbargemen,andagreatmanyothermaritimeadvantages.Thereisagooddealofwater about Mudfog, and yet it is not exactly the sort of town for awatering-place,either.Waterisaperversesortofelementatthebestoftimes,andinMudfogitisparticularlyso.Inwinter,itcomesoozingdown the streets and tumbling over the fields,—nay, rushes into thevery cellars and kitchens of the houses,with a lavish prodigality thatmightwellbedispensedwith;butinthehotsummerweatheritwilldryup, and turn green: and, although green is a very good colour in itsway,especiallyingrass,stillitcertainlyisnotbecomingtowater;anditcannotbedeniedthatthebeautyofMudfogisratherimpaired,evenbythis triflingcircumstance. Mudfog isahealthyplace—veryhealthy;—damp, perhaps, but none the worse for that. It’s quite amistake tosuppose that damp is unwholesome: plants thrive best in damp

situations, and why shouldn’t men? The inhabitants of Mudfog areunanimous inasserting that thereexistsnota finer raceofpeopleonthe face of the earth; here we have an indisputable and veraciouscontradictionof thevulgarerroratonce. So,admittingMudfog tobedamp,wedistinctlystatethatitissalubrious.ThetownofMudfogisextremelypicturesque.LimehouseandRatcliffHighwayarebothsomethinglikeit,buttheygiveyouaveryfaintideaofMudfog. Thereareagreatmanymorepublic-houses inMudfog—morethaninRatcliffHighwayandLimehouseputtogether.Thepublicbuildings,too,areveryimposing.Weconsiderthetown-halloneofthefinestspecimensofshedarchitecture,extant:itisacombinationofthepig-styandtea-garden-boxorders;andthesimplicityofitsdesignisofsurpassingbeauty.Theideaofplacingalargewindowononesideofthedoor,andasmalloneontheother,isparticularlyhappy.Thereisafine old Doric beauty, too, about the padlock and scraper, which isstrictlyinkeepingwiththegeneraleffect.In this room do the mayor and corporation of Mudfog assembletogetherinsolemncouncilforthepublicweal.Seatedonthemassivewooden benches, which, with the table in the centre, form the onlyfurnitureofthewhitewashedapartment,thesagemenofMudfogspendhourafterhouringravedeliberation.Heretheysettleatwhathourofthenightthepublic-housesshallbeclosed,atwhathourofthemorningtheyshallbepermittedtoopen,howsoonitshallbelawfulforpeopletoeat theirdinneronchurch-days,andothergreatpoliticalquestions;and sometimes, long after silence has fallen on the town, and thedistant lights from theshopsandhouseshaveceased to twinkle, likefar-offstars,tothesightoftheboatmenontheriver,theilluminationinthetwounequal-sizedwindowsofthetown-hall,warnstheinhabitantsof Mudfog that its little body of legislators, like a larger and better-knownbodyofthesamegenus,agreatdealmorenoisy,andnotawhitmoreprofound, arepatriotically dozingaway in company, far into thenight,fortheircountry’sgood.Among this knotof sageand learnedmen,noonewassoeminentlydistinguished, during many years, for the quiet modesty of hisappearance and demeanour, as Nicholas Tulrumble, the well-knowncoal-dealer. However exciting the subject of discussion, howeveranimated the tone of the debate, or however warm the personalitiesexchanged, (and even in Mudfog we get personal sometimes,)Nicholas Tulrumble was always the same. To say truth, Nicholas,

being an industrious man, and always up betimes, was apt to fallasleep when a debate began, and to remain asleep till it was over,whenhewouldwakeupverymuch refreshed,andgivehisvotewiththe greatest complacency. The fact was, that Nicholas Tulrumble,knowing that everybody there had made up his mind beforehand,considered the talkingas justa longbotherationaboutnothingatall;andtothepresenthouritremainsaquestion,whether,onthispointatallevents,NicholasTulrumblewasnotprettynearright.Time, which strews a man’s head with silver, sometimes fills hispockets with gold. As he gradually performed one good office forNicholas Tulrumble, he was obliging enough, not to omit the other.Nicholasbegan life inawooden tenementof four feetsquare,withacapitaloftwoandninepence,andastockintradeofthreebushelsanda-halfofcoals,exclusiveofthelargelumpwhichhung,bywayofsign-board,outside.Thenheenlargedtheshed,andkeptatruck;thenheleft the shed, and the truck too, and started a donkey and a Mrs.Tulrumble; thenhemovedagainandsetupacart; thecartwassoonafterwardsexchangedforawaggon;andsohewentonlikehisgreatpredecessorWhittington—onlywithoutacat forapartner—increasinginwealthand fame,until at lasthegaveupbusinessaltogether,andretiredwithMrs. Tulrumble and family toMudfogHall, which he hadhimself erected, on somethingwhich he attempted to delude himselfintothebeliefwasahill,aboutaquarterofamiledistantfromthetownofMudfog.About this time, it began to be murmured in Mudfog that NicholasTulrumblewasgrowingvainandhaughty;thatprosperityandsuccesshad corrupted the simplicity of his manners, and tainted the naturalgoodness of his heart; in short, that he was setting up for a publiccharacter,andagreatgentleman,andaffectedtolookdownuponhisold companions with compassion and contempt. Whether thesereports were at the time well-founded, or not, certain it is that Mrs.Tulrumble very shortly afterwards started a four-wheel chaise, drivenby a tall postilion in a yellow cap,—thatMr. Tulrumble junior took tosmoking cigars, and calling the footman a ‘feller,’—and that Mr.Tulrumblefromthattimeforth,wasnomoreseeninhisoldseatinthechimney-corner of the Lighterman’s Arms at night. This looked bad;but, more than this, it began to be observed that Mr. NicholasTulrumble attended the corporation meetings more frequently thanheretofore;andhenolongerwenttosleepashehaddoneforsomany

years, but propped his eyelids openwith his two forefingers; that hereadthenewspapersbyhimselfathome;andthathewasinthehabitof indulgingabroad in distant andmysteriousallusions to ‘massesofpeople,’and ‘thepropertyof thecountry,’and ‘productivepower,’and‘the monied interest:’ all of which denoted and proved that NicholasTulrumblewaseithermad,orworse;anditpuzzledthegoodpeopleofMudfogamazingly.Atlength,aboutthemiddleofthemonthofOctober,Mr.Tulrumbleandfamily went up to London; the middle of October being, as Mrs.TulrumbleinformedheracquaintanceinMudfog,theveryheightofthefashionableseason.Somehoworother, justabout this time,despite thehealth-preservingair of Mudfog, the Mayor died. It was a most extraordinarycircumstance; he had lived in Mudfog for eighty-five years. Thecorporationdidn’tunderstanditatall;indeeditwaswithgreatdifficultythat one old gentleman, who was a great stickler for forms, wasdissuaded from proposing a vote of censure on such unaccountableconduct. Strange as it was, however, die he did, without taking theslightest notice of the corporation; and the corporation wereimperatively calledupon toelecthis successor. So, theymet for thepurpose; and being very full of Nicholas Tulrumble just then, andNicholasTulrumblebeingaveryimportantman,theyelectedhim,andwrote off to London by the very next post to acquaint NicholasTulrumblewithhisnewelevation.Now,itbeingNovembertime,andMr.NicholasTulrumblebeinginthecapital, it fell out that hewas present at the LordMayor’s show anddinner,atsightofthegloryandsplendourwhereof,he,Mr.Tulrumble,wasgreatlymortified, inasmuchas the reflectionwould force itselfonhismind, that,hadhebeenborn inLondon insteadof inMudfog,hemight have beena LordMayor too, and have patronized the judges,andbeenaffabletotheLordChancellor,andfriendlywiththePremier,andcoldlycondescending to theSecretary to theTreasury,andhavedinedwitha flagbehindhisback,anddoneagreatmanyotheractsand deeds which unto Lord Mayors of London peculiarly appertain.The more he thought of the Lord Mayor, the more enviable apersonageheseemed. TobeaKingwasallverywell;butwhatwastheKingtotheLordMayor!WhentheKingmadeaspeech,everybodyknew it was somebody else’s writing; whereas here was the LordMayor, talking away for half an hour-all out of his ownhead—amidst

theenthusiasticapplauseofthewholecompany,whileitwasnotoriousthat theKingmight talk tohisparliament tillhewasblack in the facewithout getting so much as a single cheer. As all these reflectionspassedthroughthemindofMr.NicholasTulrumble,theLordMayorofLondon appeared to him the greatest sovereign on the face of theearth, beating the Emperor of Russia all to nothing, and leaving theGreatMogulimmeasurablybehind.Mr.NicholasTulrumblewasponderingoverthesethings,andinwardlycursingthefatewhichhadpitchedhiscoal-shed inMudfog,whentheletterofthecorporationwasputintohishand.Acrimsonflushmantledover his face as he read it, for visions of brightness were alreadydancingbeforehisimagination.‘Mydear,’saidMr.Tulrumbletohiswife,‘theyhaveelectedme,MayorofMudfog.’‘Lor-a-mussy!’saidMrs.Tulrumble:‘whywhat’sbecomeofoldSniggs?’‘ThelateMr.Sniggs,Mrs.Tulrumble,’saidMr.Tulrumblesharply,forhebynomeansapprovedofthenotionofunceremoniouslydesignatingagentlemanwho filled the high office ofMayor, as ‘OldSniggs,’—‘ThelateMr.Sniggs,Mrs.Tulrumble,isdead.’The communication was very unexpected; but Mrs. Tulrumble onlyejaculated ‘Lor-a-mussy!’ once again, as if a Mayor were a mereordinaryChristian,atwhichMr.Tulrumblefrownedgloomily.‘Whatapity’tan’tinLondon,ain’tit?’saidMrs.Tulrumble,afterashortpause;‘whatapity’tan’tinLondon,whereyoumighthavehadashow.’‘ImighthaveashowinMudfog,ifIthoughtproper,Iapprehend,’saidMr.Tulrumblemysteriously.‘Lor!soyoumight,Ideclare,’repliedMrs.Tulrumble.‘Andagoodonetoo,’saidMr.Tulrumble.‘Delightful!’exclaimedMrs.Tulrumble.‘Onewhichwouldratherastonishtheignorantpeopledownthere,’saidMr.Tulrumble.‘Itwouldkillthemwithenvy,’saidMrs.Tulrumble.So it was agreed that his Majesty’s lieges in Mudfog should beastonishedwithsplendour,andslaughteredwithenvy,andthatsuchashowshouldtakeplaceashadneverbeenseeninthattown,orinanyothertownbefore,—no,noteveninLondonitself.Ontheverynextdayafterthereceiptoftheletter,downcamethetallpostilion in a post-chaise,—not upon one of the horses, but inside—actually inside the chaise,—and, driving up to the very door of the

town-hall, where the corporation were assembled, delivered a letter,writtenby theLordknowswho,andsignedbyNicholasTulrumble, inwhichNicholassaid,allthroughfoursidesofclosely-written,gilt-edged,hot-pressed,Bathpostletterpaper,thatherespondedtothecallofhisfellow-townsmenwithfeelingsofheartfeltdelight;thatheacceptedthearduousofficewhichtheirconfidencehadimposeduponhim;thattheywouldnever findhimshrinkingfromthedischargeofhisduty; thathewould endeavour to execute his functions with all that dignity whichtheirmagnitudeand importancedemanded;andagreatdealmore tothesameeffect.Buteventhiswasnotall.Thetallpostilionproducedfromhisright-handtop-boot,adampcopyofthatafternoon’snumberofthecountypaper;andthere,inlargetype,runningthewholelengthofthevery firstcolumn,wasa longaddress fromNicholasTulrumble totheinhabitantsofMudfog,inwhichhesaidthathecheerfullycompliedwith their requisition,and, inshort,as if topreventanymistakeaboutthematter,toldthemoveragainwhatagrandfellowhemeanttobe,inverymuchthesametermsasthoseinwhichhehadalreadytoldthemallaboutthematterinhisletter.The corporation staredat oneanother very hardat all this, and thenlookedasifforexplanationtothetallpostilion,butasthetallpostilionwasintentlycontemplatingthegoldtasselonthetopofhisyellowcap,andcouldhaveaffordednoexplanationwhatever,evenifhisthoughtshad been entirely disengaged, they contented themselves withcoughingverydubiously,andlookingverygrave.Thetallpostilionthendelivered another letter, in which Nicholas Tulrumble informed thecorporation, thathe intendedrepairing to the town-hall, ingrandstateandgorgeousprocession,ontheMondayafternoonnextensuing. Atthisthecorporationlookedstillmoresolemn;but,astheepistlewoundupwithaformalinvitationtothewholebodytodinewiththeMayoronthatday,atMudfogHall,MudfogHill,Mudfog, theybegan tosee thefunofthethingdirectly,andsentbacktheircompliments,andthey’dbesuretocome.NowtherehappenedtobeinMudfog,assomehoworothertheredoeshappen to be, in almost every town in the British dominions, andperhapsinforeigndominionstoo—wethinkitverylikely,but,beingnogreattraveller,cannotdistinctlysay—therehappenedtobe,inMudfog,amerry-tempered,pleasant-faced,good-for-nothingsortofvagabond,with an invincible dislike to manual labour, and an unconquerableattachment to strong beer and spirits, whom everybody knew, and

nobody,excepthiswife,tookthetroubletoquarrelwith,whoinheritedfromhisancestors theappellationofEdwardTwigger,andrejoiced inthesobriquet of Bottle-nosedNed. Hewas drunk upon the averageonceaday,andpenitentuponanequallyfaircalculationonceamonth;andwhenhewaspenitent,hewasinvariably inthevery laststageofmaudlin intoxication. Hewasa ragged, roving, roaringkindof fellow,with a burly form, a sharpwit, and a ready head, and could turn hishand to anything when he chose to do it. He was by no meansopposed to hard labour on principle, for he would work away at acricket-matchbythedaytogether,—running,andcatching,andbatting,andbowling,andrevelling in toilwhichwouldexhaustagalley-slave.Hewouldhavebeen invaluabletoafire-office;neverwasamanwithsuch a natural taste for pumping engines, running up ladders, andthrowing furniture out of two-pair-of-stairs’ windows: nor was this theonly element inwhichhewasat home; hewasahumanesociety inhimself, a portable drag, an animated life-preserver, and had savedmorepeople,inhistime,fromdrowning,thanthePlymouthlife-boat,orCaptain Manby’s apparatus. With all these qualifications,notwithstanding his dissipation, Bottle-nosed Ned was a generalfavourite; and the authorities of Mudfog, remembering his numerousservicestothepopulation,allowedhiminreturntogetdrunkinhisownway, without the fear of stocks, fine, or imprisonment. He had agenerallicence,andheshowedhissenseofthecomplimentbymakingthemostofit.We have been thus particular in describing the character andavocationsofBottle-nosedNed,because itenablesus to introduceafactpolitely,withouthaulingitintothereader’spresencewithindecenthastebytheheadandshoulders,andbringsusverynaturallytorelate,that on the very sameeveningonwhichMr.NicholasTulrumble andfamilyreturnedtoMudfog,Mr.Tulrumble’snewsecretary,justimportedfromLondon,withapalefaceandlightwhiskers,thrusthisheaddownto theverybottomofhisneckcloth-tie, inat the tap-roomdoorof theLighterman’s Arms, and inquiring whether one Ned Twigger wasluxuriatingwithin,announcedhimselfasthebearerofamessagefromNicholas Tulrumble, Esquire, requiring Mr. Twigger’s immediateattendanceatthehall,onprivateandparticularbusiness. ItbeingbynomeansMr.Twigger’sinteresttoaffronttheMayor,herosefromthefireplacewithaslightsigh,and followed the light-whiskeredsecretarythroughthedirtandwetofMudfogstreets,uptoMudfogHall,without

furtherado.Mr.NicholasTulrumblewas seated ina small cavernwitha skylight,whichhecalledhislibrary,sketchingoutaplanoftheprocessiononalarge sheet of paper; and into the cavern the secretary usheredNedTwigger.‘Well,Twigger!’saidNicholasTulrumble,condescendingly.Therewasa timewhenTwiggerwould have replied, ‘Well,Nick!’ butthat was in the days of the truck, and a couple of years before thedonkey;so,heonlybowed.‘Iwantyoutogointotraining,Twigger,’saidMr.Tulrumble.‘Whatfor,sir?’inquiredNed,withastare.‘Hush,hush,Twigger!’said theMayor. ‘Shut thedoor,Mr.Jennings.Lookhere,Twigger.’As the Mayor said this, he unlocked a high closet, and disclosed acompletesuitofbrassarmour,ofgiganticdimensions.‘IwantyoutowearthisnextMonday,Twigger,’saidtheMayor.‘Blessyourheartandsoul,sir!’repliedNed,‘youmightaswellaskmetowearaseventy-fourpounder,oracast-ironboiler.’‘Nonsense,Twigger,nonsense!’saidtheMayor.‘I couldn’t stand under it, sir,’ said Twigger; ‘it would make mashedpotatoesofme,ifIattemptedit.’‘Pooh, pooh, Twigger!’ returned theMayor. ‘I tell you I have seen itdonewithmy owneyes, in London, and themanwasn’t half such amanasyouare,either.’‘Ishouldassoonhavethoughtofaman’swearingthecaseofaneight-day clock to save his linen,’ said Twigger, casting a look ofapprehensionatthebrasssuit.‘It’stheeasiestthingintheworld,’rejoinedtheMayor.‘It’snothing,’saidMr.Jennings.‘Whenyou’reusedtoit,’addedNed.‘Youdoitbydegrees,’saidtheMayor.‘Youwouldbeginwithonepieceto-morrow,andtwothenextday,andsoon, tillyouhadgot itallon.Mr. Jennings, giveTwiggeraglassof rum. Just try thebreast-plate,Twigger. Stay; takeanotherglassof rum first. Helpme to lift it,Mr.Jennings. Stand firm, Twigger! There!—it isn’t half as heavy as itlooks,isit?’Twigger was a good strong, stout fellow; so, after a great deal ofstaggering,hemanagedtokeephimselfup,underthebreastplate,andevencontrived,withtheaidofanotherglassofrum,towalkaboutinit,

andthegauntletsintothebargain.Hemadeatrialofthehelmet,butwasnotequallysuccessful,inasmuchashetippedoverinstantly,—anaccident whichMr. Tulrumble clearly demonstrated to be occasionedbyhisnothavingacounteractingweightofbrassonhislegs.‘Now, wear that with grace and propriety on Monday next,’ saidTulrumble,‘andI’llmakeyourfortune.’‘I’lltrywhatIcando,sir,’saidTwigger.‘Itmustbekeptaprofoundsecret,’saidTulrumble.‘Ofcourse,sir,’repliedTwigger.‘Andyoumustbesober,’saidTulrumble;‘perfectlysober.’Mr.Twiggerat once solemnly pledged himself to be as sober as a judge, andNicholasTulrumblewassatisfied,although,hadwebeenNicholas,weshouldcertainlyhaveexactedsomepromiseofamorespecificnature;inasmuchas,havingattendedtheMudfogassizesintheeveningmorethan once, we can solemnly testify to having seen judges with verystrong symptoms of dinner under theirwigs. However, that’s neitherherenorthere.The next day, and the day following, and the day after that, NedTwiggerwassecurelylockedupinthesmallcavernwiththesky-light,hard at work at the armour. With every additional piece he couldmanagetostandupright in,hehadanadditionalglassofrum;andatlast, aftermanypartial suffocations,hecontrived togeton thewholesuit, and to stagger up and down the room in it, like an intoxicatedeffigyfromWestminsterAbbey.NeverwasmansodelightedasNicholasTulrumble;neverwaswomanso charmed as Nicholas Tulrumble’s wife. Here was a sight for thecommonpeople ofMudfog! A liveman in brass armour! Why, theywouldgowildwithwonder!Theday—theMonday—arrived.If themorning had beenmade to order, it couldn’t have been betteradaptedtothepurpose.TheynevershowedabetterfoginLondononLordMayor’sday,thanenwrappedthetownofMudfogonthateventfuloccasion. Ithadrisenslowlyandsurely fromthegreenandstagnantwaterwith the first light ofmorning, until it reacheda little above thelamp-post tops; and there it had stopped, with a sleepy, sluggishobstinacy,whichbadedefiancetothesun,whohadgotupveryblood-shotabout theeyes,as ifhehadbeenatadrinking-partyover-night,andwasdoinghisday’sworkwiththeworstpossiblegrace.Thethickdampmisthungoverthetownlikeahugegauzecurtain.Allwasdim

anddismal.Thechurchsteepleshadbiddenatemporaryadieutotheworld below; and every object of lesser importance—houses, barns,hedges,trees,andbarges—hadalltakentheveil.Thechurch-clockstruckone.AcrackedtrumpetfromthefrontgardenofMudfogHallproducedafeebleflourish,asifsomeasthmaticpersonhadcoughed into itaccidentally; thegate flewopen,andoutcameagentleman,onamoist-sugarcolouredcharger,intendedtorepresentaherald, but bearing amuch stronger resemblance to a court-card onhorseback.ThiswasoneoftheCircuspeople,whoalwayscamedownto Mudfog at that time of the year, and who had been engaged byNicholasTulrumbleexpressly for theoccasion. Therewasthehorse,whisking his tail about, balancing himself on his hind-legs, andflourishingawaywithhisfore-feet,inamannerwhichwouldhavegonetotheheartsandsoulsofanyreasonablecrowd.ButaMudfogcrowdnever was a reasonable one, and in all probability never will be.Insteadofscatteringtheveryfogwiththeirshouts,astheyoughtmostindubitably to have done, andwere fully intended to do, byNicholasTulrumble, theynosooner recognized theherald, than theybegan togrowlforththemostunqualifieddisapprobationatthebarenotionofhisriding likeanyotherman. Ifhehadcomeoutonhishead indeed,orjumping through a hoop, or flying through a red-hot drum, or evenstandingonone legwithhisother foot inhismouth, theymighthavehad something to say to him; but for a professional gentleman to sitastrideinthesaddle,withhisfeetinthestirrups,wasrathertoogoodajoke.So,theheraldwasadecidedfailure,andthecrowdhootedwithgreatenergy,asheprancedingloriouslyaway.On the procession came. We are afraid to say how manysupernumerariestherewere,instripedshirtsandblackvelvetcaps,toimitatetheLondonwatermen,orhowmanybaseimitationsofrunning-footmen,orhowmanybanners,which,owing to theheavinessof theatmosphere, could by no means be prevailed on to display theirinscriptions:still lessdowe feeldisposed to relatehow themenwhoplayedthewindinstruments,lookingupintothesky(wemeanthefog)with musical fervour, walked through pools of water and hillocks ofmud, till they covered the powdered heads of the running-footmenaforesaid with splashes, that looked curious, but not ornamental; orhowthebarrel-organperformerputonthewrongstop,andplayedonetunewhilethebandplayedanother;orhowthehorses,beingusedtothearena,andnottothestreets,wouldstandstillanddance,insteadof

goingonandprancing;—allofwhicharematterswhichmightbedilatedupontogreatadvantage,butwhichwehavenottheleast intentionofdilatingupon,notwithstanding.Oh!itwasagrandandbeautifulsighttobeholdacorporationinglasscoaches,providedat thesolecostandchargeofNicholasTulrumble,coming rollingalong, likea funeraloutofmourning,and towatch theattempts the corporation made to look great and solemn, whenNicholas Tulrumble himself, in the four-wheel chaise, with the tallpostilion, rolledoutafter them,withMr. Jenningsononeside to looklike a chaplain, and a supernumerary on the other, with an old life-guardsman’ssabre, to imitate thesword-bearer;and to see the tearsrollingdown the facesof themobas theyscreamedwithmerriment.Thiswasbeautiful!andsowastheappearanceofMrs.Tulrumbleandson,astheybowedwithgravedignityoutoftheircoach-windowtoallthedirtyfacesthatwerelaughingaroundthem:but it isnotevenwiththisthatwehavetodo,butwiththesuddenstoppingoftheprocessionatanotherblast of the trumpet,whereat, andwhereupon,aprofoundsilenceensued,andalleyeswereturnedtowardsMudfogHall, in theconfidentanticipationofsomenewwonder.‘Theywon’tlaughnow,Mr.Jennings,’saidNicholasTulrumble.‘Ithinknot,sir,’saidMr.Jennings.‘Seehoweager they look,’ saidNicholasTulrumble. ‘Aha! the laughwillbeonoursidenow;eh,Mr.Jennings?’‘Nodoubtofthat,sir,’repliedMr.Jennings;andNicholasTulrumble,ina state of pleasurable excitement, stoodup in the four-wheel chaise,andtelegraphedgratificationtotheMayoressbehind.Whileallthiswasgoingforward,NedTwiggerhaddescendedintothekitchenofMudfogHallforthepurposeofindulgingtheservantswithaprivate view of the curiosity that was to burst upon the town; and,somehow or other, the footman was so companionable, and thehousemaidsokind,and thecookso friendly, thathecouldnot resisttheofferofthefirst-mentionedtositdownandtakesomething—justtodrinksuccesstomasterin.So,downNedTwiggersathimselfinhisbrassliveryonthetopofthekitchen-table; and in a mug of something strong, paid for by theunconsciousNicholasTulrumble,andprovidedby thecompanionablefootman,dranksuccesstotheMayorandhisprocession;and,asNedlaidbyhishelmetto imbibethesomethingstrong,thecompanionablefootmanputitonhisownhead,totheimmeasurableandunrecordable

delightofthecookandhousemaid.Thecompanionablefootmanwasvery facetious to Ned, and Ned was very gallant to the cook andhousemaidbyturns.Theywereallverycosyandcomfortable;andthesomethingstrongwentbrisklyround.At last Ned Twiggerwas loudly called for, by the procession people:and,havinghadhishelmetfixedon,inaverycomplicatedmanner,bythecompanionablefootman,andthekindhousemaid,andthefriendlycook,hewalkedgravelyforth,andappearedbeforethemultitude.Thecrowdroared—itwasnotwithwonder, itwasnotwithsurprise; itwasmostdecidedlyandunquestionablywithlaughter.‘What!’ said Mr. Tulrumble, starting up in the four-wheel chaise.‘Laughing? If they laughataman in realbrassarmour, they’d laughwhentheirownfathersweredying.Whydoesn’thegointohisplace,Mr. Jennings? What’s he rolling down towards us for? he has nobusinesshere!’‘Iamafraid,sir—’falteredMr.Jennings.‘Afraid of what, sir?’ said Nicholas Tulrumble, looking up into thesecretary’sface.‘Iamafraidhe’sdrunk,sir,’repliedMr.Jennings.NicholasTulrumble tookone lookat theextraordinary figure thatwasbearingdownuponthem;andthen,claspinghissecretarybythearm,utteredanaudiblegroaninanguishofspirit.ItisamelancholyfactthatMr.Twiggerhavingfulllicencetodemandasingleglassofrumontheputtingonofeverypieceofthearmour,got,bysomemeansorother,ratheroutofhiscalculationinthehurryandconfusion of preparation, and drank about four glasses to a pieceinsteadofone,nottomentionthesomethingstrongwhichwentonthetop of it. Whether the brass armour checked the natural flow ofperspiration,andthuspreventedthespiritfromevaporating,wearenotscientificenoughtoknow;but,whateverthecausewas,Mr.Twiggernosooner found himself outside the gate of Mudfog Hall, than he alsofoundhimselfinaveryconsiderablestateofintoxication;andhencehisextraordinarystyleofprogressing.Thiswasbadenough,but,asiffateandfortunehadconspiredagainstNicholasTulrumble,Mr.Twigger,nothavingbeenpenitentforagoodcalendarmonth,tookitintohisheadtobe most especially and particularly sentimental, just when hisrepentance could have been most conveniently dispensed with.Immense tears were rolling down his cheeks, and he was vainlyendeavouringtoconcealhisgriefbyapplyingtohiseyesabluecotton

pocket-handkerchiefwithwhitespots,—anarticlenotstrictlyinkeepingwithasuitofarmoursomethreehundredyearsold,orthereabouts.‘Twigger, you villain!’ said Nicholas Tulrumble, quite forgetting hisdignity,‘goback.’‘Never,’saidNed.‘I’mamiserablewretch.I’llneverleaveyou.’Theby-standersofcoursereceivedthisdeclarationwithacclamationsof‘That’sright,Ned;don’t!’‘Idon’t intendit,’saidNed,withall theobstinacyofaverytipsyman.‘I’mveryunhappy.I’mthewretchedfatherofanunfortunatefamily;butI am very faithful, sir. I’ll never leave you.’ Having reiterated thisobliging promise, Ned proceeded in broken words to harangue thecrowduponthenumberofyearshehadlivedinMudfog,theexcessiverespectabilityofhischaracter,andothertopicsofthelikenature.‘Here!willanybodyleadhimaway?’saidNicholas:‘ifthey’llcallonmeafterwards,I’llrewardthemwell.’Twoor threemenstepped forward,with theviewofbearingNedoff,whenthesecretaryinterposed.‘Takecare! takecare!’saidMr.Jennings. ‘Ibegyourpardon,sir;butthey’d better not go too near him, because, if he falls over, he’llcertainlycrushsomebody.’Atthishintthecrowdretiredonallsidestoaveryrespectfuldistance,andleftNed,liketheDukeofDevonshire,inalittlecircleofhisown.‘But,Mr.Jennings,’saidNicholasTulrumble,‘he’llbesuffocated.’‘I’mverysorryforit,sir,’repliedMr.Jennings;‘butnobodycangetthatarmouroff,withouthisownassistance.I’mquitecertainofitfromthewayheputiton.’HereNedwept dolefully, and shook his helmeted head, in amannerthatmighthavetouchedaheartofstone;butthecrowdhadnotheartsofstone,andtheylaughedheartily.‘Dearme,Mr.Jennings,’saidNicholas,turningpaleatthepossibilityofNed’s being smothered in his antique costume—‘Dear me, Mr.Jennings,cannothingbedonewithhim?’‘Nothingatall,’repliedNed,‘nothingatall.Gentlemen,I’manunhappywretch.I’mabody,gentlemen,inabrasscoffin.’Atthispoeticalideaofhisownconjuringup,Nedcriedsomuch that thepeoplebegan togetsympathetic,andtoaskwhatNicholasTulrumblemeantbyputtinga man into such a machine as that; and one individual in a hairywaistcoat like the top of a trunk, who had previously expressed hisopinion that if Ned hadn’t been a poorman, Nicholas wouldn’t have

dareddoit,hintedattheproprietyofbreakingthefour-wheelchaise,orNicholas’shead,orboth,which last compoundproposition thecrowdseemedtoconsideraverygoodnotion.Itwasnotactedupon,however,forithadhardlybeenbroached,whenNed Twigger’s wife made her appearance abruptly in the little circlebeforenoticed,andNednosoonercaughtaglimpseofher faceandform,thanfromthemereforceofhabithesetofftowardshishomejustasfastashislegscouldcarryhim;andthatwasnotveryquickinthepresent instance either, for, however ready theymight have been tocarryhim, theycouldn’tgetonverywellunderthebrassarmour. So,Mrs.TwiggerhadplentyoftimetodenounceNicholasTulrumbletohisface: to express her opinion that he was a decidedmonster; and tointimate that, if her ill-used husband sustained any personal damagefromthebrassarmour,shewouldhavethelawofNicholasTulrumbleformanslaughter.Whenshehadsaidallthiswithduevehemence,sheposted afterNed,whowas dragging himself along as best he could,anddeploringhisunhappinessinmostdismaltones.WhatawailingandscreamingNed’schildrenraisedwhenhegothomeat last! Mrs.Twigger tried toundothearmour, first inoneplace,andthen inanother,butshecouldn’tmanage it;soshe tumbledNed intobed, helmet, armour, gauntlets, and all. Such a creaking as thebedsteadmade, under Ned’s weight in his new suit! It didn’t breakdownthough;andthereNedlay,liketheanonymousvesselintheBayof Biscay, till next day, drinking barley-water, and looking miserable:and every time he groaned, his good lady said it served him right,whichwasalltheconsolationNedTwiggergot.NicholasTulrumbleand thegorgeousprocessionwenton together tothe town-hall, amid the hisses and groans of all the spectators, whohadsuddenlytakenit intotheirheadstoconsiderpoorNedamartyr.Nicholaswasformallyinstalledinhisnewoffice,inacknowledgmentofwhich ceremony he delivered himself of a speech, composed by thesecretary,whichwasverylong,andnodoubtverygood,onlythenoiseofthepeopleoutsidepreventedanybodyfromhearingit,butNicholasTulrumblehimself.Afterwhich,theprocessiongotbacktoMudfogHallanyhowitcould;andNicholasandthecorporationsatdowntodinner.But the dinner was flat, andNicholas was disappointed. Theyweresuchdullsleepyoldfellows,thatcorporation.NicholasmadequiteaslongspeechesastheLordMayorofLondonhaddone,nay,hesaidthevery same things that the Lord Mayor of London had said, and the

deuceacheerthecorporationgavehim.Therewasonlyonemaninthepartywhowasthoroughlyawake;andhewasinsolent,andcalledhimNick.Nick!Whatwouldbetheconsequence,thoughtNicholas,ofanybodypresumingtocalltheLordMayorofLondon‘Nick!’Heshouldliketoknowwhatthesword-bearerwouldsaytothat;ortherecorder,orthetoast-master,oranyotherofthegreatofficersofthecity.They’dnickhim.But thesewerenot theworstofNicholasTulrumble’sdoings. If theyhad been, he might have remained a Mayor to this day, and havetalkedtillhelosthisvoice.Hecontractedarelishforstatistics,andgotphilosophical; and the statistics and the philosophy together, led himintoanactwhichincreasedhisunpopularityandhastenedhisdownfall.At the veryendof theMudfogHigh-street, andabuttingon the river-side, stands the Jolly Boatmen, an old-fashioned low-roofed, bay-windowedhouse,with a bar, kitchen, and tap-roomall in one, and alarge fireplace with a kettle to correspond, round which the workingmenhavecongregatedtimeoutofmindonawinter’snight,refreshedbydraughtsofgoodstrongbeer,andcheeredbythesoundsofafiddleand tambourine: the JollyBoatmenhavingbeenduly licensedby theMayorandcorporation,toscrapethefiddleandthumbthetambourinefrom time,whereof thememoryof theoldest inhabitantsgoethnot tothecontrary.NowNicholasTulrumblehadbeenreadingpamphletsoncrime, and parliamentary reports,—or had made the secretary readthem to him, which is the same thing in effect,—and he at onceperceived that this fiddle and tambourine must have done more todemoralize Mudfog, than any other operating causes that ingenuitycouldimagine.Sohereadupforthesubject,anddeterminedtocomeoutonthecorporationwithaburst,theverynexttimethelicencewasappliedfor.The licensing day came, and the red-faced landlord of the JollyBoatmenwalkedintothetown-hall,lookingasjollyasneedbe,havingactually put on an extra fiddle for that night, to commemorate theanniversaryoftheJollyBoatmen’smusiclicence.Itwasappliedforindueform,andwasjustabouttobegrantedasamatterofcourse,whenuproseNicholasTulrumble,anddrownedtheastonishedcorporationina torrent of eloquence. He descanted in glowing terms upon theincreasing depravity of his native town ofMudfog, and the excessescommitted by its population. Then, he related how shocked he hadbeen, to see barrels of beer sliding down into the cellar of the Jolly

Boatmenweekafterweek;andhowhehadsatatawindowoppositetheJollyBoatmenfortwodaystogether,tocountthepeoplewhowentinforbeerbetweenthehoursoftwelveandoneo’clockalone—which,by-the-bye, was the time at which the great majority of the Mudfogpeopledined. Then,hewenton tostate,how thenumberofpeoplewho came out with beer-jugs, averaged twenty-one in five minutes,which, being multiplied by twelve, gave two hundred and fifty-twopeoplewith beer-jugs in an hour, andmultiplied again by fifteen (thenumberofhoursduringwhichthehousewasopendaily)yieldedthreethousandsevenhundredandeightypeoplewithbeer-jugsperday,ortwenty-sixthousandfourhundredandsixtypeoplewithbeer-jugs,perweek. Then he proceeded to show that a tambourine and moraldegradation were synonymous terms, and a fiddle and viciouspropensitieswhollyinseparable.Alltheseargumentshestrengthenedanddemonstratedby frequent references toa largebookwithabluecover, and sundry quotations from theMiddlesexmagistrates; and intheend,thecorporation,whowereposedwiththefigures,andsleepywith thespeech,andsadly inwantofdinner into thebargain,yieldedthepalm toNicholasTulrumble,and refused themusic licence to theJollyBoatmen.ButalthoughNicholastriumphed,histriumphwasshort.Hecarriedonthewaragainstbeer-jugsandfiddles,forgettingthetimewhenhewasglad todrinkoutof theone,and todance to theother, till thepeoplehated, and his old friends shunned him. He grew tired of the lonelymagnificence of Mudfog Hall, and his heart yearned towards theLighterman’sArms.Hewishedhehadneversetupasapublicman,andsighed for thegoodold timesof thecoal-shop,and thechimneycorner.AtlengtholdNicholas,beingthoroughlymiserable,tookheartofgrace,paidthesecretaryaquarter’swagesinadvance,andpackedhimofftoLondonbythenextcoach.Havingtakenthisstep,heputhishatonhishead,andhisprideinhispocket,andwalkeddowntotheoldroomattheLighterman’sArms. Therewereonly twoof theold fellowsthere,andtheylookedcoldlyonNicholasasheprofferedhishand.‘Areyougoingtoputdownpipes,Mr.Tulrumble?’saidone.‘Ortracetheprogressofcrimeto‘bacca?’growledanother.‘Neither,’ replied Nicholas Tulrumble, shaking hands with them both,whethertheywouldornot.‘I’vecomedowntosaythatI’mverysorryforhavingmadeafoolofmyself,andthatIhopeyou’llgivemeupthe

oldchair,again.’Theold fellowsopenedtheireyes,and threeor fourmoreold fellowsopened thedoor, towhomNicholas,with tears inhiseyes, thrustouthishandtoo,andtoldthesamestory.Theyraisedashoutofjoy,thatmadethebellsintheancientchurch-towervibrateagain,andwheelingtheoldchairintothewarmcorner,thrustoldNicholasdownintoit,andordered in thevery largest-sizedbowlofhotpunch,withanunlimitednumberofpipes,directly.Thenextday,theJollyBoatmengotthelicence,andthenextnight,oldNicholas andNedTwigger’swife led off a dance to themusic of thefiddleandtambourine,thetoneofwhichseemedmightilyimprovedbyalittlerest,fortheyneverhadplayedsomerrilybefore.NedTwiggerwas in the very height of his glory, and he danced hornpipes, andbalanced chairs on his chin, and straws on his nose, till the wholecompany, including the corporation,were in raptures of admiration atthebrilliancyofhisacquirements.Mr. Tulrumble, junior, couldn’t make up his mind to be anything butmagnificent,sohewentuptoLondonanddrewbillsonhisfather;andwhenhehadoverdrawn,andgotintodebt,hegrewpenitent,andcamehomeagain.As to old Nicholas, he kept his word, and having had six weeks ofpubliclife,nevertrieditanymore.Hewenttosleepinthetown-hallattheverynextmeeting;and,infullproofofhissincerity,hasrequestedus towrite this faithful narrative. Wewish it couldhave theeffectofreminding theTulrumblesofanothersphere, thatpuffed-upconceit isnotdignity,andthatsnarlingatthelittlepleasurestheywereoncegladtoenjoy,becausetheywouldratherforgetthetimeswhentheywereoflowerstation,rendersthemobjectsofcontemptandridicule.Thisisthefirsttimewehavepublishedanyofourgleaningsfromthisparticularsource.Perhaps,atsomefutureperiod,wemayventuretoopenthechroniclesofMudfog.

FULLREPORTOFTHEFIRSTMEETINGOFTHEMUDFOGASSOCIATIONFORTHEADVANCEMENTOFEVERYTHING

We havemade themost unparalleled and extraordinary exertions toplace before our readers a complete and accurate account of theproceedings at the late grand meeting of the Mudfog Association,holden in the townofMudfog; itaffordsusgreathappiness to lay the

result before them, in the shape of various communications receivedfrom our able, talented, and graphic correspondent, expressly sentdownforthepurpose,whohasimmortalizedus,himself,Mudfog,andtheassociation,allatoneandthesametime.Wehavebeen,indeed,forsomedaysunabletodeterminewhowilltransmitthegreatestnameto posterity; ourselves, who sent our correspondent down; ourcorrespondent,whowroteanaccountofthematter;ortheassociation,who gave our correspondent something to write about. We ratherincline to the opinion that we are the greatest man of the party,inasmuchasthenotionofanexclusiveandauthenticreportoriginatedwithus; thismaybeprejudice: itmayarise fromaprepossessiononour part in our own favour. Be it so. We have no doubt that everygentleman concerned in this mighty assemblage is troubled with thesamecomplaintinagreaterorlessdegree;anditisaconsolationtousto know that we have at least this feeling in commonwith the greatscientific stars, the brilliant and extraordinary luminaries, whosespeculationswerecord.Wegiveourcorrespondent’slettersintheorderinwhichtheyreachedus.Anyattemptatamalgamatingthemintoonebeautifulwhole,wouldonlydestroythatglowingtone, thatdashofwildness,andrichveinofpicturesqueinterest,whichpervadethemthroughout.‘Mudfog,Mondaynight,seveno’clock.‘Weareinastateofgreatexcitementhere.Nothingisspokenof,butthe approaching meeting of the association. The inn-doors arethrongedwithwaitersanxiously looking for theexpectedarrivals;andthe numerous bills which are wafered up in the windows of privatehouses, intimating that therearebeds to letwithin,give thestreetsavery animated and cheerful appearance, thewafers being of a greatvariety of colours, and the monotony of printed inscriptions beingrelieved by every possible size and style of hand-writing. It isconfidently rumoured thatProfessorsSnore,Doze,andWheezyhaveengaged three beds and a sitting-roomat thePig and Tinder-box. Igiveyoutherumourasithasreachedme;butIcannot,asyet,vouchfor its accuracy. The moment I have been enabled to obtain anycertain informationupon this interestingpoint, youmaydependuponreceivingit.’‘Half-pastseven.Ihave just returned fromapersonal interviewwith the landlordof thePig and Tinder-box. He speaks confidently of the probability of

ProfessorsSnore,Doze,andWheezy takingup their residenceathishouse during the sitting of the association, but denies that the bedshavebeenyetengaged;inwhichrepresentationheisconfirmedbythechambermaid—agirlofartlessmanners,andinterestingappearance.ThebootsdeniesthatitisatalllikelythatProfessorsSnore,Doze,andWheezywillputuphere;butIhavereasontobelievethatthismanhasbeen suborned by the proprietor of the Original Pig, which is theoppositionhotel.Amidstsuchconflictingtestimonyitisdifficulttoarriveat the real truth; but you may depend upon receiving authenticinformation upon this point themoment the fact is ascertained. Theexcitement still continues. A boy fell through the window of thepastrycook’s shopat thecornerof theHigh-streetabouthalf anhourago,whichhasoccasionedmuchconfusion. Thegeneral impressionis,thatitwasanaccident.Prayheavenitmayproveso!’‘Tuesday,noon.‘Atanearlyhourthismorningthebellsofallthechurchesstruckseveno’clock;theeffectofwhich,inthepresentlivelystateofthetown,wasextremelysingular.WhileIwasatbreakfast,ayellowgig,drawnbyadarkgreyhorse,withapatchofwhiteoverhisrighteyelid,proceededatarapidpaceinthedirectionoftheOriginalPigstables;itiscurrentlyreported that this gentleman has arrived here for the purpose ofattending the association, and, fromwhat I have heard, I consider itextremelyprobable,althoughnothingdecisive isyetknown regardinghim. You may conceive the anxiety with which we are all lookingforwardtothearrivalofthefouro’clockcoachthisafternoon.‘Notwithstandingtheexcitedstateofthepopulace,nooutragehasyetbeencommitted,owingtotheadmirabledisciplineanddiscretionofthepolice,whoarenowheretobeseen.Abarrel-organisplayingoppositemywindow,andgroupsofpeople,offeringfishandvegetablesforsale,parade the streets. With these exceptions everything is quiet, and Itrustwillcontinueso.’‘Fiveo’clock.‘It isnowascertained,beyondalldoubt, thatProfessorsSnore,Doze,andWheezywillnotrepairtothePigandTinder-box,buthaveactuallyengagedapartmentsattheOriginalPig.Thisintelligenceisexclusive;andIleaveyouandyourreaderstodrawtheirowninferencesfromit.WhyProfessorWheezy,ofallpeopleintheworld,shouldrepairtotheOriginalPig inpreference to thePigandTinder-box, it isnoteasy toconceive.Theprofessorisamanwhoshouldbeaboveallsuchpetty

feelings. Some people here openly impute treachery, and a distinctbreachoffaithtoProfessorsSnoreandDoze;whileothers,again,aredisposed to acquit them of any culpability in the transaction, and toinsinuatethattheblamerestssolelywithProfessorWheezy.IownthatI incline to the latter opinion; and although it givesme great pain tospeak in terms of censure or disapprobation of a man of suchtranscendentgeniusandacquirements,still Iambound tosay that, ifmy suspicions be well founded, and if all the reports which havereachedmyearsbetrue,Ireallydonotwellknowwhattomakeofthematter.‘Mr. Slug, so celebrated for his statistical researches, arrived thisafternoonby the fouro’clockstage. Hiscomplexion isadarkpurple,and he has a habit of sighing constantly. He looked extremelywell,andappearedinhighhealthandspirits.Mr.Woodensconcealsocamedowninthesameconveyance.Thedistinguishedgentlemanwasfastasleeponhisarrival,andIaminformedbytheguardthathehadbeenso thewholeway. Hewas, no doubt, preparing for his approachingfatigues; butwhat gigantic visionsmust those be that flit through thebrainofsuchamanwhenhisbodyisinastateoftorpidity!‘The influxofvisitors increaseseverymoment. Iam told (Iknownothowtruly)thattwopost-chaiseshavearrivedattheOriginalPigwithinthe last half-hour, and I myself observed a wheelbarrow, containingthree carpet bags and a bundle, entering the yard of the Pig andTinder-boxnolongeragothanfiveminutessince.Thepeoplearestillquietlypursuing their ordinaryoccupations; but there is awildness intheir eyes, and an unwonted rigidity in the muscles of theircountenances, which shows to the observant spectator that theirexpectationsarestrainedtotheveryutmostpitch.Ifear,unlesssomeveryextraordinaryarrivalstakeplaceto-night,thatconsequencesmayarisefromthispopularferment,whicheverymanofsenseandfeelingwoulddeplore.’‘Twentyminutespastsix.‘Ihavejustheardthattheboywhofellthroughthepastrycook’swindowlastnighthasdiedof thefright. Hewassuddenlycalledupontopaythreeandsixpenceforthedamagedone,andhisconstitution,itseems,wasnotstrongenoughtobearupagainsttheshock.Theinquest,itissaid,willbeheldto-morrow.’‘Three-quarterspartseven.‘ProfessorsMuffandNogohavejustdrivenuptothehoteldoor;theyat

onceordereddinnerwithgreatcondescension.Weareallverymuchdelightedwith theurbanityof theirmanners,and theeasewithwhichthey adapt themselves to the forms and ceremonies of ordinary life.Immediatelyontheirarrivaltheysentfortheheadwaiter,andprivatelyrequestedhim to purchasea live dog,—as cheapa oneashe couldmeetwith,—andtosendhimupafterdinner,withapie-board,aknifeand fork, anda cleanplate. It is conjectured that someexperimentswillbetrieduponthedogto-night;ifanyparticularsshouldtranspire,Iwillforwardthembyexpress.’‘Half-pasteight.‘Theanimalhasbeenprocured. He isapug-dog,ofrather intelligentappearance,ingoodcondition,andwithveryshortlegs.Hehasbeentiedtoacurtain-peginadarkroom,andishowlingdreadfully.’‘Tenminutestonine.‘Thedoghasjustbeenrungfor.Withaninstinctwhichwouldappearalmosttheresultofreason,thesagaciousanimalseizedthewaiterbythe calf of the leg when he approached to take him, and made adesperate, though ineffectual resistance. I have not been able toprocure admission to the apartment occupied by the scientificgentlemen;but,judgingfromthesoundswhichreachedmyearswhenIstood upon the landing-place outside the door, just now, I should bedisposed to say that the dog had retreated growling beneath somearticle of furniture, and was keeping the professors at bay. Thisconjecture is confirmed by the testimony of the ostler, who, afterpeeping through the keyhole, assures me that he distinctly sawProfessor Nogo on his knees, holding forth a small bottle of prussicacid, to which the animal, who was crouched beneath an arm-chair,obstinatelydeclinedtosmell.Youcannotimaginethefeverishstateofirritationwearein,lesttheinterestsofscienceshouldbesacrificedtotheprejudicesofabrutecreature,who isnotendowedwithsufficientsensetoforeseetheincalculablebenefitswhichthewholehumanracemayderivefromsoveryslightaconcessiononhispart.’‘Nineo’clock.‘Thedog’stailandearshavebeensentdown-stairstobewashed;fromwhichcircumstancewe infer that theanimal isnomore. His forelegshavebeendeliveredtothebootstobebrushed,whichstrengthensthesupposition.’‘Halfafterten.‘Myfeelingsaresooverpoweredbywhathastakenplaceinthecourse

of the lasthourandahalf, that I havescarcelystrength todetail therapidsuccessionofeventswhichhavequitebewilderedall thosewhoare cognizant of their occurrence. It appears that the pug-dogmentionedinmylastwassurreptitiouslyobtained,—stolen,infact,—bysome person attached to the stable department, from an unmarriedlady resident in this town. Frantic on discovering the loss of herfavourite,theladyrusheddistractedlyintothestreet,callinginthemostheart-rendingandpatheticmanneruponthepassengerstorestoreher,her Augustus,—for so the deceased was named, in affectionateremembrance of a former lover of his mistress, to whom he bore astriking personal resemblance, which renders the circumstancesadditionally affecting. I amnot yet in a condition to inform youwhatcircumstanceinducedthebereavedladytodirectherstepstothehotelwhichhadwitnessedthelaststrugglesofherprotégé.Icanonlystatethatshearrivedthere,attheveryinstantwhenhisdetachedmemberswere passing through the passage on a small tray. Her shrieks stillreverberateinmyears!IgrievetosaythattheexpressivefeaturesofProfessorMuffweremuchscratchedandlaceratedbytheinjuredlady;andthatProfessorNogo,besidessustainingseveralseverebites,haslost some handfuls of hair from the same cause. It must be someconsolationtothesegentlementoknowthattheirardentattachmenttoscientific pursuits has alone occasioned these unpleasantconsequences; for which the sympathy of a grateful country willsufficientlyrewardthem.TheunfortunateladyremainsatthePigandTinder-box,anduptothistimeisreportedinaveryprecariousstate.‘Ineedscarcely tellyou that thisunlooked-forcatastrophehascastadampandgloomuponusinthemidstofourexhilaration;naturalinanycase, but greatly enhanced in this, by the amiable qualities of thedeceased animal, who appears to have been much and deservedlyrespectedbythewholeofhisacquaintance.’‘Twelveo’clock.‘I takethelastopportunitybeforesealingmyparcelto informyouthattheboywhofell throughthepastrycook’swindowisnotdead,aswasuniversally believed, but alive andwell. The report appears to havehaditsorigin inhismysteriousdisappearance. Hewasfoundhalfanhoursinceonthepremisesofasweet-stuffmaker,wherearafflehadbeen announced for a second-hand seal-skin cap and a tambourine;andwhere—asufficientnumberofmembersnothavingbeenobtainedat first—he had patiently waited until the list was completed. This

fortunate discovery has in some degree restored our gaiety andcheerfulness. It is proposed to get upa subscription for himwithoutdelay.‘Everybodyisnervouslyanxioustoseewhatto-morrowwillbringforth.If any one should arrive in the course of the night, I have left strictdirectionstobecalledimmediately. Ishouldhavesatup, indeed,buttheagitatingeventsofthisdayhavebeentoomuchforme.‘NonewsyetofeitheroftheProfessorsSnore,Doze,orWheezy.Itisverystrange!’‘Wednesdayafternoon.‘Allisnowover;and,upononepointatleast,Iamatlengthenabledtosetthemindsofyourreadersatrest.Thethreeprofessorsarrivedattenminutesaftertwoo’clock,and,insteadoftakinguptheirquartersatthe Original Pig, as it was universally understood in the course ofyesterday that theywouldassuredlyhavedone,drovestraight to thePigandTinder-box,wheretheythrewoffthemaskatonce,andopenlyannounced their intention of remaining. Professor Wheezy mayreconcile this very extraordinary conduct with his notions of fair andequitable dealing, but I would recommend Professor Wheezy to becautious how he presumes too far upon his well-earned reputation.How such a man as Professor Snore, or, which is still moreextraordinary,suchan individualasProfessorDoze,canquietlyallowhimself to be mixed up with such proceedings as these, you willnaturally inquire. Upon this head, rumour is silent; I have myspeculations,butforbeartogiveutterancetothemjustnow.’‘Fouro’clock.‘Thetownisfillingfast;eighteenpencehasbeenofferedforabedandrefused. Several gentlemen were under the necessity last night ofsleeping in thebrick fields,andon thestepsofdoors, forwhich theywere taken before the magistrates in a body this morning, andcommitted to prison as vagrants for various terms. One of thesepersons I understand to be a highly-respectable tinker, of greatpracticalskill,whohad forwardedapaper to thePresidentofSectionD. Mechanical Science, on the construction of pipkins with copperbottoms and safety-values, of which report speaks highly. Theincarceration of this gentleman is greatly to be regretted, as hisabsencewillprecludeanydiscussiononthesubject.‘Thebillsarebeingtakendowninalldirections,andlodgingsarebeingsecuredonalmostanyterms.Ihaveheardoffifteenshillingsaweek

for two rooms, exclusive of coals and attendance, but I can scarcelybelieveit.Theexcitementisdreadful.Iwasinformedthismorningthatthecivilauthorities,apprehensiveofsomeoutbreakofpopularfeeling,hadcommandeda recruitingsergeantand twocorporals tobeunderarms;andthat,withtheviewofnot irritatingthepeopleunnecessarilyby their presence, they had been requested to take up their positionbeforedaybreakinaturnpike,distantaboutaquarterofamilefromthetown. The vigour and promptness of thesemeasures cannot be toohighlyextolled.‘Intelligencehasjustbeenbroughtme,thatanelderlyfemale,inastateofinebriety,hasdeclaredintheopenstreetherintentionto“do”forMr.Slug. Somestatistical returnscompiledby thatgentleman,relative totheconsumptionofrawspirituousliquorsinthisplace,aresupposedtobethecauseofthewretch’sanimosity.Itisaddedthatthisdeclarationwasloudlycheeredbyacrowdofpersonswhohadassembledonthespot;andthatonemanhadtheboldnesstodesignateMr.Slugaloudby theopprobriousepithet of “Stick-in-the-mud!” It is earnestly tobehoped that now,when themoment has arrived for their interference,themagistrateswillnotshrinkfromtheexerciseofthatpowerwhichisvestedinthembytheconstitutionofourcommoncountry.’‘Half-pastten.‘The disturbance, I am happy to inform you, has been completelyquelled,andtheringleadertakenintocustody.Shehadapailofcoldwater thrown over her, previous to being locked up, and expressesgreat contritionanduneasiness. Weareall ina feverofanticipationabout to-morrow; but, now that we are within a few hours of themeetingoftheassociation,andatlastenjoytheproudconsciousnessof having its illustrious members amongst us, I trust and hopeeverythingmaygooffpeaceably. I shall sendyoua full reportof to-morrow’sproceedingsbythenightcoach.’‘Eleveno’clock.‘I open my letter to say that nothing whatever has occurred since Ifoldeditup.’‘Thursday.‘The sun rose this morning at the usual hour. I did not observeanythingparticular in theaspectof thegloriousplanet,except thatheappearedtome(itmighthavebeenadelusionofmyheightenedfancy)to shine with more than common brilliancy, and to shed a refulgentlustreuponthetown,suchasIhadneverobservedbefore.Thisisthe

more extraordinary, as the sky was perfectly cloudless, and theatmosphere peculiarly fine. At half-past nine o’clock the generalcommitteeassembled,withthelastyear’spresident inthechair. Thereportofthecouncilwasread;andonepassage,whichstatedthatthecouncil had corresponded with no less than three thousand fivehundred and seventy-one persons, (all of whom paid their ownpostage,) on no fewer than seven thousand two hundred and forty-threetopics,wasreceivedwithadegreeofenthusiasmwhichnoeffortscould suppress. The various committees and sections having beenappointed, and the more formal business transacted, the greatproceedingsofthemeetingcommencedateleveno’clockprecisely. Ihadthehappinessofoccupyingamosteligiblepositionatthattime,in

‘SECTIONA.—ZOOLOGYANDBOTANY.GREATROOM,PIGANDTINDER-BOX.

President—Professor Snore. Vice-Presidents—Professors Doze andWheezy.‘Thesceneatthismomentwasparticularlystriking.Thesunstreamedthrough the windows of the apartments, and tinted the whole scenewith itsbrilliant rays,bringingout instrong relief thenoblevisagesofthe professors and scientific gentlemen,who, somewith bald heads,somewithredheads,somewithbrownheads,somewithgreyheads,some with black heads, some with block heads, presented a coupd’oeil which no eye-witness will readily forget. In front of thesegentlemen were papers and inkstands; and round the room, onelevated benches extending as far as the forms could reach, wereassembledabrilliantconcourseofthoselovelyandelegantwomenforwhichMudfogisjustlyacknowledgedtobewithoutarivalinthewholeworld. The contrast between their fair faces and the dark coats andtrousers of the scientific gentlemen I shall never cease to rememberwhileMemoryholdsherseat.‘Time having been allowed for a slight confusion, occasioned by thefalling down of the greater part of the platforms, to subside, thepresident called on one of the secretaries to read a communicationentitled,“Someremarksontheindustriousfleas,withconsiderationsonthe importance of establishing infant-schools among that numerousclassofsociety;ofdirectingtheirindustrytousefulandpracticalends;andofapplyingthesurplusfruitsthereof,towardsprovidingforthema

comfortableandrespectablemaintenanceintheiroldage.”‘Theauthorstated, that,having long turnedhisattention to themoralandsocialconditionoftheseinterestinganimals,hehadbeeninducedtovisitanexhibitioninRegent-street,London,commonlyknownbythedesignationof“TheIndustriousFleas.”Hehadthereseenmanyfleas,occupiedcertainlyinvariouspursuitsandavocations,butoccupied,hewasbound toadd, inamannerwhichnomanofwell-regulatedmindcould fail to regardwithsorrowand regret. One flea, reduced to thelevel of a beast of burden, was drawing about a miniature gig,containing a particularly small effigy of His Grace the Duke ofWellington; while another was staggering beneath the weight of agolden model of his great adversary Napoleon Bonaparte. Some,brought up as mountebanks and ballet-dancers, were performing afigure-dance (he regretted toobserve, that,of the fleassoemployed,severalwere females); otherswere in training, in a small card-boardbox, for pedestrians,—mere sporting characters—and two wereactually engaged in the cold-blooded and barbarous occupation ofduelling; a pursuit from which humanity recoiled with horror anddisgust.Hesuggestedthatmeasuresshouldbeimmediatelytakentoemploy the labourof these fleasaspartandparcelof theproductivepowerofthecountry,whichmighteasilybedonebytheestablishmentamong them of infant schools and houses of industry, in which asystemofvirtuouseducation,baseduponsoundprinciples,shouldbeobserved, and moral precepts strictly inculcated. He proposed thateveryfleawhopresumedtoexhibit,forhire,music,ordancing,oranyspecies of theatrical entertainment, without a licence, should beconsideredavagabond,and treatedaccordingly; inwhich respectheonlyplacedhimuponalevelwiththerestofmankind.Hewouldfurthersuggest that their labour should be placed under the control andregulationofthestate,whoshouldsetapartfromtheprofits,afundforthe support of superannuated or disabled fleas, their widows andorphans.Withthisview,heproposedthatliberalpremiumsshouldbeofferedforthethreebestdesignsforageneralalmshouse;fromwhich—asinsectarchitecturewaswellknowntobeinaveryadvancedandperfect state—we might possibly derive many valuable hints for theimprovement of our metropolitan universities, national galleries, andotherpublicedifices.‘THEPRESIDENTwishedtobeinformedhowtheingeniousgentlemanproposed to open a communication with fleas generally, in the first

instance,sothattheymightbethoroughlyimbuedwithasenseoftheadvantagestheymustnecessarilyderivefromchangingtheirmodeoflife,andapplyingthemselvestohonestlabour.Thisappearedtohim,theonlydifficulty.‘THE AUTHOR submitted that this difficulty was easily overcome, orrather that there was no difficulty at all in the case. Obviously thecoursetobepursued, ifHerMajesty’sgovernmentcouldbeprevailedupontotakeuptheplan,wouldbe,tosecureataremunerativesalarytheindividualtowhomhehadalludedaspresidingovertheexhibitionin Regent-street at the period of his visit. That gentleman would atonce be able to put himself in communication with the mass of thefleas, and to instruct them in pursuance of some general plan ofeducation,tobesanctionedbyParliament,untilsuchtimeasthemoreintelligentamongthemwereadvancedenoughtoofficiateasteacherstotherest.‘The President and several members of the section highlycomplimentedtheauthorofthepaperlastread,onhismostingeniousand important treatise. Itwasdetermined that the subject should berecommendedtotheimmediateconsiderationofthecouncil.‘MR.WIGSBYproducedacauliflowersomewhat largerthanachaise-umbrella,whichhadbeenraisedbynootherartificialmeansthanthesimple application of highly carbonated soda-water as manure. Heexplainedthatbyscoopingoutthehead,whichwouldaffordanewanddeliciousspeciesofnourishmentforthepoor,aparachute,inprinciplesomething similar to that constructed by M. Garnerin, was at onceobtained;thestalkofcoursebeingkeptdownwards.Headdedthathewasperfectlywillingtomakeadescentfromaheightofnot lessthanthreemilesandaquarter;andhadinfactalreadyproposedthesametotheproprietorsofVauxhallGardens,whointhehandsomestmannerat once consented to his wishes, and appointed an early day nextsummer for the undertaking; merely stipulating that the rim of thecauliflower should be previously broken in three or four places toensurethesafetyofthedescent.‘THEPRESIDENTcongratulatedthepubliconthegrandgala instorefor them, and warmly eulogised the proprietors of the establishmentalludedto,fortheirloveofscience,andregardforthesafetyofhumanlife,bothofwhichdidthemthehighesthonour.‘AMemberwished toknowhowmany thousandadditional lamps theroyalpropertywouldbeilluminatedwith,onthenightafterthedescent.

‘MR.WIGSBYrepliedthatthepointwasnotyetfinallydecided;buthebelieveditwasproposed,overandabovetheordinaryilluminations,toexhibitinvariousdeviceseightmillionsanda-halfofadditionallamps.‘The Member expressed himself much gratified with thisannouncement.‘MR.BLUNDERUMdelighted the sectionwith amost interesting andvaluable paper “on the last moments of the learned pig,” whichproducedaverystrongimpressionontheassembly,theaccountbeingcompiled from the personal recollections of his favourite attendant.Theaccountstatedinthemostemphatictermsthattheanimal’snamewasnotToby,butSolomon;anddistinctlyprovedthathecouldhavenonearrelativesintheprofession,asmanydesigningpersonshadfalselystated, inasmuch as his father, mother, brothers and sisters, had allfallenvictimstothebutcheratdifferenttimes.Anuncleofhisindeed,hadwithverygreatlabourbeentracedtoastyinSomersTown;butashewasinavery infirmstateat thetime,beingafflictedwithmeasles,andshortlyafterwardsdisappeared, thereappeared toomuchreasontoconjecturethathehadbeenconvertedintosausages.Thedisorderofthelearnedpigwasoriginallyaseverecold,which,beingaggravatedby excessive trough indulgence, finally settled upon the lungs, andterminated in a general decay of the constitution. A melancholyinstance of a presentiment entertained by the animal of hisapproaching dissolution, was recorded. After gratifying a numerousandfashionablecompanywithhisperformances,inwhichnofallingoffwhateverwasvisible,hefixedhiseyesonthebiographer,and,turningtothewatchwhichlayonthefloor,andonwhichhewasaccustomedto point out the hour, deliberately passed his snout twice round thedial. Inpreciselyfour-and-twentyhoursfromthattimehehadceasedtoexist!‘PROFESSORWHEEZYinquiredwhether,previoustohisdemise,theanimalhadexpressed,bysignsorotherwise,anywishesregardingthedisposalofhislittleproperty.‘MR.BLUNDERUMreplied,that,whenthebiographertookupthepackof cards at the conclusion of the performance, the animal gruntedseveraltimesinasignificantmanner,andnoddinghisheadashewasaccustomed to do, when gratified. From these gestures it wasunderstood thathewished theattendant tokeep thecards,whichhehadeversincedone. Hehadnotexpressedanywish relative tohiswatch,whichhadaccordinglybeenpawnedbythesameindividual.

‘THEPRESIDENTwishedtoknowwhetheranyMemberofthesectionhadeverseenorconversedwiththepig-facedlady,whowasreportedtohavewornablackvelvetmask,andtohavetakenhermealsfromagoldentrough.‘AftersomehesitationaMemberrepliedthatthepig-facedladywashismother-in-law,and thathe trusted thePresidentwouldnotviolate thesanctityofprivatelife.‘THEPRESIDENTbeggedpardon. Hehadconsidered thepig-facedladyapubliccharacter.Wouldthehonourablememberobjecttostate,with a view to the advancement of science,whether shewas in anywayconnectedwiththelearnedpig?‘The Member replied in the same low tone, that, as the questionappearedtoinvolveasuspicionthatthelearnedpigmightbehishalf-brother,hemustdeclineansweringit.

‘SECTIONB.—ANATOMYANDMEDICINE.COACH-HOUSE,PIGANDTINDER-BOX.

President—Dr.Toorell.Vice-Presidents—ProfessorsMuffandNogo.DR.KUTANKUMAGEN(ofMoscow) read to thesectiona reportofacasewhichhadoccurredwithinhisownpractice,strikinglyillustrativeofthepowerofmedicine,asexemplifiedinhissuccessfultreatmentofavirulentdisorder.Hehadbeencalledintovisitthepatientonthe1stofApril, 1837. He was then labouring under symptoms peculiarlyalarmingtoanymedicalman. His framewasstoutandmuscular,hisstep firm and elastic, his cheeks plump and red, his voice loud, hisappetitegood,hispulsefullandround.Hewasintheconstanthabitofeatingthreemealsperdiem,andofdrinkingatleastonebottleofwine,andoneglassofspirituous liquorsdilutedwithwater, in thecourseofthefour-and-twentyhours. He laughedconstantly,and insoheartyamannerthat itwasterribletohearhim.Bydintofpowerfulmedicine,low diet, and bleeding, the symptoms in the course of three daysperceptibly decreased. A rigid perseverance in the same course oftreatment foronlyoneweek,accompaniedwithsmalldosesofwater-gruel,weakbroth,andbarley-water,ledtotheirentiredisappearance.In the course of amonth hewas sufficiently recovered to be carrieddown-stairsby twonurses,and toenjoyanairing inaclosecarriage,supportedbysoftpillows.Atthepresentmomenthewasrestoredsofarastowalkabout,withtheslightassistanceofacrutchandaboy.It

would perhaps be gratifying to the section to learn that he ate little,drank little,slept little,andwasneverheard to laughbyanyaccidentwhatever.‘DR.W.R. FEE, in complimenting the honourablemember upon thetriumphantcurehehadeffected,beggedtoaskwhetherthepatientstillbledfreely?‘DR.KUTANKUMAGENrepliedintheaffirmative.‘DR.W.R.FEE.—Andyoufoundthathebledfreelyduringthewholecourseofthedisorder?‘DR.KUTANKUMAGEN.—Ohdear,yes;mostfreely.‘DR.NEESHAWTSsupposed, that if thepatienthadnotsubmitted tobebledwithgreatreadinessandperseverance,soextraordinaryacurecould never, in fact, have been accomplished. Dr. Kutankumagenrejoined,certainlynot.‘MR. KNIGHT BELL (M.R.C.S.) exhibited a wax preparation of theinteriorofagentlemanwhoinearlylifehadinadvertentlyswallowedadoor-key. It was a curious fact that amedical student of dissipatedhabits,beingpresentatthepostmortemexamination,foundmeanstoescapeunobservedfromtheroom,withthatportionofthecoatsofthestomach uponwhich an exactmodel of the instrumentwas distinctlyimpressed,withwhichhehastenedtoalocksmithofdoubtfulcharacter,whomadeanewkeyfromthepatternsoshowntohim.Withthiskeythemedicalstudententeredthehouseofthedeceasedgentleman,andcommittedaburglarytoalargeamount,forwhichhewassubsequentlytriedandexecuted.‘THE PRESIDENT wished to know what became of the original keyafterthelapseofyears.Mr.KnightBellrepliedthatthegentlemanwasalwaysmuchaccustomedtopunch,anditwassupposedtheacidhadgraduallydevouredit.‘DR.NEESHAWTSand several of thememberswereof opinion thatthe key must have lain very cold and heavy upon the gentleman’sstomach.‘MR.KNIGHTBELL believed it did at first. It wasworthy of remark,perhaps,thatforsomeyearsthegentlemanwastroubledwithanight-mare,undertheinfluenceofwhichhealwaysimaginedhimselfawine-cellardoor.‘PROFESSORMUFFrelatedaveryextraordinaryandconvincingproofofthewonderfulefficacyofthesystemofinfinitesimaldoses,whichthesectionweredoubtlessawarewasbaseduponthetheorythatthevery

minutest amount of any given drug, properly dispersed through thehuman frame,would be productive of precisely the same result as avery largedoseadministered in theusualmanner. Thus, the fortiethpart of a grain of calomel was supposed to be equal to a five-graincalomel pill, and so on in proportion throughout the whole range ofmedicine. He had tried the experiment in a curiousmanner upon apublicanwhohadbeenbrought into thehospitalwithabrokenhead,and was cured upon the infinitesimal system in the incredibly shortspaceof threemonths. Thismanwasaharddrinker. He(ProfessorMuff)haddispersedthreedropsofrumthroughabucketofwater,andrequestedthemantodrinkthewhole.Whatwastheresult?Beforehehaddrunkaquart, hewas in a stateof beastly intoxication; and fiveothermenweremadedeaddrunkwiththeremainder.‘THE PRESIDENT wished to know whether an infinitesimal dose ofsoda-waterwould have recovered them? ProfessorMuff replied thatthe twenty-fifth part of a teaspoonful, properly administered to eachpatient,wouldhavesoberedhimimmediately.ThePresidentremarkedthatthiswasamostimportantdiscovery,andhehopedtheLordMayorandCourtofAldermenwouldpatronizeitimmediately.‘A Member begged to be informed whether it would be possible toadminister—say,thetwentiethpartofagrainofbreadandcheesetoallgrown-up paupers, and the fortieth part to children, with the samesatisfyingeffectastheirpresentallowance.‘PROFESSORMUFFwaswilling to stake his professional reputationon the perfect adequacy of such a quantity of food to the support ofhumanlife—inworkhouses;theadditionofthefifteenthpartofagrainofpuddingtwiceaweekwouldrenderitahighdiet.‘PROFESSOR NOGO called the attention of the section to a veryextraordinary case of animalmagnetism. A privatewatchman, beingmerely looked at by the operator from the opposite side of a widestreet,wasatonceobservedtobeinaverydrowsyandlanguidstate.He was followed to his box, and being once slightly rubbed on thepalms of the hands, fell into a sound sleep, in which he continuedwithoutintermissionfortenhours.

‘SECTIONC.—STATISTICS.HAY-LOFT,ORIGINALPIG.

President—Mr. Woodensconce. Vice-Presidents—Mr. Ledbrain and

Mr.Timbered.‘MR.SLUGstatedtothesectiontheresultofsomecalculationshehadmade with great difficulty and labour, regarding the state of infanteducationamongthemiddleclassesofLondon.Hefoundthat,withinacircleofthreemilesfromtheElephantandCastle,thefollowingwerethenamesandnumbersofchildren’sbooksprincipallyincirculation:-

‘JacktheGiant-killer7,943DittoandBean-stalk8,621DittoandElevenBrothers2,845DittoandJill1,998Total21,407

‘HefoundthattheproportionofRobinsonCrusoestoPhilipQuarllswasasfourandahalftoone;andthatthepreponderanceofValentineandOrsonsoverGoodyTwoShoeseswasas threeandaneighthof theformer tohalfaoneof the latter;a comparisonofSevenChampionswith Simple Simons gave the same result. The ignorance thatprevailed, was lamentable. One child, on being asked whether hewould rather be Saint George of England or a respectable tallow-chandler, instantly replied, “TaintGeorge of Ingling.” Another, a littleboyofeightyearsold,wasfoundtobefirmlyimpressedwithabeliefinthe existence of dragons, and openly stated that it was his intentionwhen he grew up, to rush forth sword in hand for the deliverance ofcaptiveprincesses,andthepromiscuousslaughterofgiants.NotonechildamongthenumberinterrogatedhadeverheardofMungoPark,—someinquiringwhetherhewasatallconnectedwiththeblackmanthatswept thecrossing;andotherswhetherhewas inanywayrelated tothe Regent’s Park. They had not the slightest conception of thecommonest principles of mathematics, and considered Sindbad theSailorthemostenterprisingvoyagerthattheworldhadeverproduced.‘A Member strongly deprecating the use of all the other booksmentioned, suggested that Jack and Jillmight perhaps be exemptedfrom the general censure, inasmuch as the hero and heroine, in theveryoutsetofthetale,weredepictedasgoingupahilltofetchapailofwater, which was a laborious and useful occupation,—supposing thefamilylinenwasbeingwashed,forinstance.‘MR.SLUGfearedthatthemoraleffectofthispassagewasmorethancounterbalancedbyanotherinasubsequentpartofthepoem,inwhichvery grossallusionwasmade to themode inwhich theheroinewas

personallychastisedbyhermother“‘ForlaughingatJack’sdisaster;”besides,thewholeworkhadthisonegreatfault,itwasnottrue.‘THE PRESIDENT complimented the honourable member on theexcellentdistinctionhehaddrawn.SeveralotherMembers,too,dweltupontheimmenseandurgentnecessityofstoringthemindsofchildrenwith nothing but facts and figures; which process the President veryforciblyremarked,hadmadethem(thesection)thementheywere.‘MR.SLUGthenstatedsomecuriouscalculationsrespectingthedogs’-meatbarrowsofLondon.Hefoundthatthetotalnumberofsmallcartsandbarrowsengaged indispensingprovision to thecatsanddogsofthemetropoliswas,onethousandsevenhundredandforty-three.Theaveragenumberofskewersdelivereddailywiththeprovender,byeachdogs’-meatcartorbarrow,wasthirty-six.Now,multiplyingthenumberofskewerssodeliveredbythenumberofbarrows,atotalofsixty-twothousand seven hundred and forty-eight skewers daily would beobtained. Allowing that, of these sixty-two thousand seven hundredand forty-eight skewers, the odd two thousand seven hundred andforty-eight were accidentally devoured with the meat, by the mostvoracious of the animals supplied, it followed that sixty thousandskewersperday,ortheenormousnumberoftwenty-onemillionsninehundred thousandskewersannually,werewasted in thekennelsanddustholesofLondon;which,ifcollectedandwarehoused,wouldintenyears’ time afford a mass of timber more than sufficient for theconstruction of a first-rate vessel of war for the use of herMajesty’snavy,tobecalled“TheRoyalSkewer,”andtobecomeunderthatnametheterrorofalltheenemiesofthisisland.‘MR.X.LEDBRAINreadaveryingeniouscommunication,fromwhichitappearedthatthetotalnumberoflegsbelongingtothemanufacturingpopulationofonegreattowninYorkshirewas,inroundnumbers,fortythousand,whilethetotalnumberofchairandstoollegsintheirhouseswasonly thirty thousand,which,upon thevery favourableaverageofthreelegstoaseat,yieldedonlytenthousandseatsinall. Fromthiscalculation itwould appear,—not takingwooden or cork legs into theaccount, but allowing two legs to every person,—that ten thousandindividuals (one-half of thewhole population) were either destitute ofanyrestfortheirlegsatall,orpassedthewholeoftheirleisuretimeinsittinguponboxes.

‘SECTIOND.—MECHANICALSCIENCE.COACH-HOUSE,ORIGINALPIG.

President—Mr.Carter.Vice-Presidents—Mr.TruckandMr.Waghorn.‘PROFESSOR QUEERSPECK exhibited an elegant model of aportable railway, neatly mounted in a green case, for the waistcoatpocket.Byattachingthisbeautifulinstrumenttohisboots,anyBankorpublic-officeclerkcouldtransporthimselffromhisplaceofresidencetohisplaceofbusiness,attheeasyrateofsixty-fivemilesanhour,which,to gentlemen of sedentary pursuits, would be an incalculableadvantage.‘THEPRESIDENTwasdesirousofknowingwhetheritwasnecessarytohavealevelsurfaceonwhichthegentlemanwastorun.‘PROFESSOR QUEERSPECK explained that City gentlemen wouldrun in trains, being handcuffed together to prevent confusion orunpleasantness. For instance, trains would start every morning ateight,nine,andteno’clock,fromCamdenTown,Islington,Camberwell,Hackney, and various other places in which City gentlemen areaccustomed to reside. Itwouldbenecessary tohavea level,buthehadprovided for thisdifficultybyproposing that thebest line that thecircumstances would admit of, should be taken through the sewerswhichunderminethestreetsofthemetropolis,andwhich,well lightedby jets from thegaspipeswhich run immediatelyabove them,wouldform a pleasant and commodious arcade, especially in winter-time,when the inconvenientcustomofcarryingumbrellas,nowsogeneral,couldbewhollydispensedwith.Inreplytoanotherquestion,ProfessorQueerspeckstated thatnosubstitute for thepurposes towhich thesearcadeswereatpresentdevotedhadyetoccurredtohim,butthathehopednofancifulobjectiononthisheadwouldbeallowedto interferewithsogreatanundertaking.‘MR.JOBBAproducedaforcing-machineonanovelplan,forbringingjoint-stock railway sharesprematurely to apremium. The instrumentwas in the form of an elegant gilt weather-glass, of most dazzlingappearance,andwasworkedbehind,bystrings,afterthemannerofapantomimetrick,thestringsbeingalwayspulledbythedirectorsofthecompany to which the machine belonged. The quicksilver was soingeniouslyplaced, thatwhentheactingdirectorsheldshares in theirpockets, figuresdenotingverysmallexpensesandvery large returnsappeared upon the glass; but the moment the directors parted with

these pieces of paper, the estimate of needful expenditure suddenlyincreased itself toan immenseextent,while thestatementsofcertainprofitsbecamereducedinthesameproportion.Mr.Jobbastatedthatthemachine had been in constant requisition for somemonths past,andhehadneveronceknownittofail.‘AMemberexpressedhisopinionthatitwasextremelyneatandpretty.He wished to know whether it was not liable to accidentalderangement? Mr. Jobba said that the whole machine wasundoubtedlyliabletobeblownup,butthatwastheonlyobjectiontoit.‘PROFESSORNOGOarrivedfromtheanatomicalsectiontoexhibitamodelofasafetyfire-escape,whichcouldbefixedatanytime,inlessthanhalfanhour,andbymeansofwhich,theyoungestormostinfirmpersons (successfully resisting theprogressof the flamesuntil itwasquiteready)couldbepreservediftheymerelybalancedthemselvesfora fewminutes on the sill of their bedroomwindow, and got into theescape without falling into the street. The Professor stated that thenumberofboyswhohadbeenrescuedinthedaytimebythismachinefrom houses which were not on fire, was almost incredible. Not aconflagration had occurred in the whole of London formanymonthspast towhich theescapehadnotbeencarriedon theverynextday,andputinactionbeforeaconcourseofpersons.‘THE PRESIDENT inquired whether there was not some difficulty inascertainingwhichwasthetopofthemachine,andwhichthebottom,incasesofpressingemergency.‘PROFESSORNOGOexplainedthatofcourseitcouldnotbeexpectedtoactquiteaswellwhentherewasafire,aswhentherewasnotafire;butintheformercasehethoughtitwouldbeofequalservicewhetherthetopwereupordown.’

With the last sectionour correspondent concludeshismostableandfaithfulReport,whichwillneverceasetoreflectcredituponhimforhisscientific attainments, and upon us for our enterprising spirit. It isneedlesstotakeareviewofthesubjectswhichhavebeendiscussed;of the mode in which they have been examined; of the great truthswhichtheyhaveelicited.Theyarenowbeforetheworld,andweleavethemtoread,toconsider,andtoprofit.Theplaceofmeetingfornextyearhasundergonediscussion,andhasatlengthbeendecided,regardbeinghadto,andevidencebeingtakenupon, the goodness of its wines, the supply of its markets, the

hospitalityof its inhabitants,and thequalityof itshotels. Wehopeatthisnextmeetingourcorrespondentmayagainbepresent,andthatwemaybeoncemorethemeansofplacinghiscommunicationsbeforetheworld. Until that period we have been prevailed upon to allow thisnumberofourMiscellanytoberetailedtothepublic,orwholesaledtothetrade,withoutanyadvanceuponourusualprice.Wehaveonlytoadd,thatthecommitteesarenowbrokenup,andthatMudfog is once again restored to its accustomed tranquillity,—thatProfessors andMembers have had balls, and soirées, and suppers,and greatmutual complimentations, and have at length dispersed totheir several homes,—whither all goodwishes and joys attend them,untilnextyear!SignedBOZ.

FULLREPORTOFTHESECONDMEETINGOFTHEMUDFOGASSOCIATIONFORTHEADVANCEMENTOFEVERYTHING

InOctoberlast,wedidourselvestheimmortalcreditofrecording,atanenormousexpense,andbydintofexertionsunnpralleledinthehistoryofperiodicalpublication,theproceedingsoftheMudfogAssociationfortheAdvancementofEverything,whichinthatmonthhelditsfirstgreathalf-yearlymeeting,tothewonderanddelightofthewholeempire.WeannouncedattheconclusionofthatextraordinaryandmostremarkableReport, that when the Second Meeting of the Society should takeplace,weshouldbefoundagainatourpost,renewingourgiganticandspirited endeavours, and once more making the world ring with theaccuracy, authenticity, immeasurable superiority, and intenseremarkabilityofouraccountof itsproceedings. In redemptionof thispledge,wecausedtobedespatchedpersteamtoOldcastle(atwhichplacethissecondmeetingoftheSocietywasheldonthe20thinstant),thesamesuperhumanly-endowedgentlemanwhofurnishedtheformerreport, and who,—gifted by nature with transcendent abilities, andfurnishedbyuswithabodyofassistantsscarcelyinferiortohimself,—hasforwardedaseriesofletters,which,forfaithfulnessofdescription,power of language, fervour of thought, happiness of expression, andimportanceofsubject-matter,havenoequalintheepistolaryliteratureof any age or country. We give this gentleman’s correspondenceentire,andintheorderinwhichitreachedouroffice.‘SaloonofSteamer,Thursdaynight,half-pasteight.

‘When I left New Burlington Street this evening in the hackneycabriolet, number four thousand two hundred and eighty-five, Iexperiencedsensationsasnovelastheywereoppressive.Asenseofthe importance of the task I had undertaken, a consciousness that Iwas leaving London, and, stranger still, going somewhere else, afeeling of loneliness and a sensation of jolting, quite bewildered mythoughts,andforatimerenderedmeeveninsensibletothepresenceofmycarpet-bagandhat-box.IshalleverfeelgratefultothedriverofaBlackwallomnibuswho,by thrusting thepoleofhisvehicle throughthe small door of the cabriolet, awakened me from a tumult ofimaginingsthatarewholly indescribable. Butofsuchmaterials isourimperfectnaturecomposed!‘I amhappy to say that I am the first passenger on board, and shallthusbeenabledtogiveyouanaccountofallthathappensintheorderofitsoccurrence.Thechimneyissmokingagooddeal,andsoarethecrew; and the captain, I am informed, is very drunk in a little houseupon deck, something like a black turnpike. I should infer from all Ihearthathehasgotthesteamup.‘You will readily guess with what feelings I have just made thediscovery thatmyberth is in the sameclosetwith thoseengagedbyProfessorWoodensconce,Mr.Slug,andProfessorGrime. ProfessorWoodensconce has taken the shelf above me, and Mr. Slug andProfessorGrimethetwoshelvesopposite.Theirluggagehasalreadyarrived. OnMr.Slug’sbed isa long tin tubeofabout three inches indiameter,carefullyclosedatbothends.Whatcanthiscontain?Somepowerfulinstrumentofanewconstruction,doubtless.’‘Tenminutespastnine.‘Nobodyhasyetarrived,norhasanythingfreshcomeinmywayexceptseveral joints of beef andmutton, fromwhich I conclude that agoodplaindinnerhasbeenprovidedforto-morrow.Thereisasingularsmellbelow, which gaveme some uneasiness at first; but as the stewardsays it isalways there,andnevergoesaway, Iamquitecomfortableagain. I learn from this man that the different sections will bedistributedattheBlackBoyandStomach-ache,andtheBoot-jackandCountenance. If this intelligence be true (and I have no reason todoubt it), your readers will draw such conclusions as their differentopinionsmaysuggest.‘Iwritedowntheseremarksastheyoccurtome,orasthefactscometomyknowledge,inorderthatmyfirstimpressionsmaylosenothingof

their original vividness. I shall despatch them in small packets asopportunitiesarise.’‘Halfpastnine.‘Some dark object has just appeared upon thewharf. I think it is atravellingcarriage.’‘Aquartertoten.‘No,itisn’t.’‘Half-pastten.Thepassengersarepouringineveryinstant.Fouromnibusesfullhavejustarriveduponthewharf,andallisbustleandactivity.Thenoiseandconfusionareverygreat.Clothsarelaidinthecabins,andthestewardisplacingblueplates—fullofknobsofcheeseatequaldistancesdownthecentreofthetables.Hedropsagreatmanyknobs;but,beingusedtoit,picksthemupagainwithgreatdexterity,and,afterwipingthemonhis sleeve, throws themback into the plates. He is a youngmanofexceedinglyprepossessingappearance—eitherdirtyoramulatto,butIthinktheformer.‘An interestingoldgentleman,whocame to thewharf inanomnibus,hasjustquarrelledviolentlywiththeporters,andisstaggeringtowardsthevesselwithalargetrunkinhisarms.Itrustandhopethathemayreachitinsafety;buttheboardhehastocrossisnarrowandslippery.Wasthatasplash?Graciouspowers!‘I have just returned from the deck. The trunk is standing upon theextreme brink of the wharf, but the old gentleman is nowhere to beseen. Thewatchman is not surewhether hewent down or not, butpromises to drag for him the first thing to-morrowmorning. May hishumaneeffortsprovesuccessful!‘ProfessorNogohasthismomentarrivedwithhisnightcaponunderhishat. He has ordered a glass of cold brandy and water, with a hardbiscuit and a basin, and has gone straight to bed. What can thismean?‘The threeother scientific gentlemen towhom I havealreadyalludedhavecomeonboard,andhavealltriedtheirbeds,withtheexceptionofProfessorWoodensconce,whosleepsinoneofthetopones,andcan’tgetintoit.Mr.Slug,whosleepsintheothertopone,isunabletogetoutofhis,andistohavehissupperhandedupbyaboy.Ihavehadthe honour to introduce myself to these gentlemen, and we haveamicablyarrangedtheorderinwhichweshallretiretorest;whichitisnecessary to agree upon, because, although the cabin is very

comfortable,thereisnotroomformorethanonegentlemantobeoutofbedatatime,andevenhemusttakehisbootsoffinthepassage.‘As I anticipated, the knobs of cheese were provided for thepassengers’ supper, and are now in course of consumption. Yourreaders will be surprised to hear that Professor Woodensconce hasabstained from cheese for eight years, although he takes butter inconsiderablequantities. ProfessorGrimehaving lostseveral teeth, isunable,Iobserve,toeathiscrustswithoutpreviouslysoakingtheminhisbottledporter.Howinterestingarethesepeculiarities!’‘Half-pasteleven.‘ProfessorsWoodensconceandGrime,withadegreeofgoodhumourthat delights us all, have just arranged to toss for a bottle ofmulledport.Therehasbeensomediscussionwhetherthepaymentshouldbedecidedbythefirsttossorthebestoutofthree.Eventuallythelattercoursehasbeendeterminedon.DeeplydoIwishthatbothgentlemencouldwin;butthatbeingimpossible,Iownthatmypersonalaspirations(I speak as an individual, and do not compromise either you or yourreaders by this expression of feeling) are with ProfessorWoodensconce. I have backed that gentleman to the amount ofeighteenpence.’‘Twentyminutestotwelve.‘ProfessorGrimehasinadvertentlytossedhishalf-crownoutofoneofthe cabin-windows, and it has been arranged that the steward shalltossforhim.Betsareofferedonanysidetoanyamount,buttherearenotakers.‘ProfessorWoodensconcehasjustcalled“woman;”butthecoinhavinglodgedinabeam,isalongtimecomingdownagain.Theinterestandsuspense of this one moment are beyond anything that can beimagined.’‘Twelveo’clock.‘The mulled port is smoking on the table before me, and ProfessorGrimehaswon. Tossing isagameof chance;butoneveryground,whether of public or private character, intellectual endowments, orscientific attainments, I cannot help expressing my opinion thatProfessorWoodensconceoughttohavecomeoffvictorious.Thereisan exultation about Professor Grime incompatible, I fear, with truegreatness.’‘Aquarterpasttwelve.‘ProfessorGrime continues to exult, and to boast of his victory in no

verymeasuredterms,observingthathealwaysdoeswin,andthatheknew itwouldbea “head”beforehand,withmanyother remarksofasimilarnature.Surelythisgentlemanisnotsolosttoeveryfeelingofdecency and propriety as not to feel and know the superiority ofProfessor Woodensconce? Is Professor Grime insane? or does hewish to be reminded in plain language of his true position in society,and the precise level of his acquirements and abilities? ProfessorGrimewilldowelltolooktothis.’‘Oneo’clock.‘Iamwritinginbed.Thesmallcabinisilluminatedbythefeeblelightofa flickering lampsuspendedfromtheceiling;ProfessorGrime is lyingon the opposite shelf on the broad of his back, with hismouthwideopen.Thesceneisindescribablysolemn.Theripplingofthetide,thenoise of the sailors’ feet overhead, the gruff voices on the river, thedogs on the shore, the snoring of the passengers, and a constantcreakingofeveryplankinthevessel,aretheonlysoundsthatmeettheear.Withtheseexceptions,allisprofoundsilence.‘Mycuriosityhasbeenwithinthelastmomentverymuchexcited.Mr.Slug, who lies above Professor Grime, has cautiously withdrawn thecurtains of his berth, and, after looking anxiously out, as if to satisfyhimself that his companionsare asleep, has takenup the tin tubeofwhich I have before spoken, and is regarding it with great interest.Whatraremechanicalcombinationcanbecontainedinthatmysteriouscase?Itisevidentlyaprofoundsecrettoall.’‘Aquarterpastone.‘ThebehaviourofMr.Sluggrowsmoreandmoremysterious.Hehasunscrewedthetopofthetube,andnowrenewshisobservationsuponhiscompanions,evidentlytomakesurethatheiswhollyunobserved.Heisclearlyontheeveofsomegreatexperiment.Prayheaventhatitbenotadangerousone;buttheinterestsofsciencemustbepromoted,andIampreparedfortheworst.’‘Fiveminuteslater.‘He has produced a large pair of scissors, and drawn a roll of somesubstance,notunlikeparchmentinappearance,fromthetincase.Theexperiment isabout tobegin. Imuststrainmyeyesto theutmost, intheattempttofollowitsminutestoperation.’‘Twentyminutesbeforetwo.‘Ihaveatlengthbeenenabledtoascertainthatthetintubecontainsafewyardsofsomecelebratedplaster,recommended—asIdiscoveron

regardingthelabelattentivelythroughmyeye-glass—asapreservativeagainstsea-sickness.Mr.Slughascutitupintosmallportions,andisnowstickingitoverhimselfineverydirection.’‘Threeo’clock.‘Precisely a quarter of an hour ago we weighed anchor, and themachinerywassuddenlyput inmotionwithanoisesoappalling, thatProfessorWoodensconce(whohadascendedtohisberthbymeansofa platform of carpet-bags arranged by himself on geometricalprincipals) darted from his shelf head foremost, and, gaining his feetwithall the rapidityofextreme terror, ranwildly into the ladies’cabin,under the impressionthatweweresinking,anduttering loudcries foraid.Iamassuredthatthescenewhichensuedbafflesalldescription.There were one hundred and forty-seven ladies in their respectiveberthsatthetime.‘Mr. Slug has remarked, as an additional instance of the extremeingenuityofthesteam-engineasappliedtopurposesofnavigation,thatinwhateverpartofthevesselapassenger’sberthmaybesituated,themachineryalwaysappears tobeexactlyunderhispillow. He intendsstatingthisverybeautiful,thoughsimplediscovery,totheassociation.’‘Half-pastten.‘Wearestill in smoothwater; that is tosay, inassmoothwaterasasteam-vesselevercanbe, for,asProfessorWoodensconce(whohasjustwokeup)learnedlyremarks,anothergreatpointofingenuityabouta steamer is, that it always carries a little storm with it. You canscarcely conceive how exciting the jerking pulsation of the shipbecomes.Itisamatterofpositivedifficultytogettosleep.’‘Fridayafternoon,sixo’clock.‘IregrettoinformyouthatMr.Slug’splasterhasprovedofnoavail.Heis in great agony, but has applied several large, additional piecesnotwithstanding.Howaffectingisthisextremedevotiontoscienceandpursuitofknowledgeunderthemosttryingcircumstances!‘Wewereextremelyhappythismorning,andthebreakfastwasoneofthe most animated description. Nothing unpleasant occurred untilnoon, with the exception of Doctor Foxey’s brown silk umbrella andwhite hat becoming entangled in the machinery while he wasexplaining toaknotof ladies theconstructionof thesteam-engine. Ifear thegravysoup for lunchwas injudicious. We lostagreatmanypassengersalmostimmediatelyafterwards.’‘Half-pastsix.

‘Iamagaininbed.Anythingsoheart-rendingasMr.Slug’ssufferingsithasneveryetbeenmylottowitness.’‘Seveno’clock.‘A messenger has just come down for a clean pocket-handkerchieffromProfessorWoodensconce’sbag,thatunfortunategentlemanbeingquiteunable to leave thedeck,and imploringconstantly tobe thrownoverboard.FromthismanIunderstandthatProfessorNogo,thoughina state of utter exhaustion, clings feebly to the hard biscuit and coldbrandyandwater,undertheimpressionthattheywillyetrestorehim.Suchisthetriumphofmindovermatter.‘ProfessorGrimeisinbed,toallappearancequitewell;buthewilleat,and it is disagreeable to see him. Has this gentleman no sympathywiththesufferingsofhisfellow-creatures?Ifhehas,onwhatprinciplecanhecallformutton-chops—andsmile?’‘BlackBoyandStomach-ache,Oldcastle,Saturdaynoon.‘YouwillbehappytolearnthatIhaveatlengtharrivedhereinsafety.The town is excessively crowded, and all the private lodgings andhotels are filled with savans of both sexes. The tremendousassemblageofintellectthatoneencountersineverystreetisinthelastdegreeoverwhelming.‘Notwithstanding the throng of people here, I have been fortunateenough to meet with very comfortable accommodation on veryreasonable terms, having secured a sofa in the first-floor passage atoneguineapernight,which includespermission to takemymeals inthebar,onconditionthatIwalkaboutthestreetsatallothertimes,tomakeroomforothergentlemensimilarlysituated.Ihavebeenovertheouthouses intended to be devoted to the reception of the varioussections, both here and at the Boot-jack and Countenance, and ammuchdelightedwiththearrangements.Nothingcanexceedthefreshappearanceof thesaw-dustwithwhich the floorsaresprinkled. Theforms are of unplaned deal, and the general effect, as you can wellimagine,isextremelybeautiful.’‘Half-pastnine.‘Thenumberandrapidityof thearrivalsarequitebewildering. Withinthe last ten minutes a stage-coach has driven up to the door, filledinside and out with distinguished characters, comprising Mr.Muddlebranes, Mr. Drawley, Professor Muff, Mr. X. Misty, Mr. X. X.Misty,Mr.Purblind,ProfessorRummun,TheHonourableandReverendMr. Long Eers, Professor John Ketch, Sir William Joltered, Doctor

Buffer,Mr.Smith(ofLondon),Mr.Brown(ofEdinburgh),SirHookhamSnivey, and Professor Pumpkinskull. The ten last-named gentlemenwerewetthrough,andlookedextremelyintelligent.’‘Sunday,twoo’clock,p.m.‘The Honourable and Reverend Mr. Long Eers, accompanied by SirWilliamJoltered,walkedanddrove thismorning. Theyaccomplishedtheformerfeatinboots,andthelatterinahiredfly.Thishasnaturallygivenrisetomuchdiscussion.‘IhavejustlearntthataninterviewhastakenplaceattheBoot-jackandCountenancebetweenSowster,theactiveandintelligentbeadleofthisplace,andProfessorPumpkinskull,who,asyourreadersaredoubtlessaware, is an influential member of the council. I forbear tocommunicate any of the rumours to which this very extraordinaryproceedinghasgivenriseuntilIhaveseenSowster,andendeavouredtoascertainthetruthfromhim.’‘Half-pastsix.‘I engaged a donkey-chaise shortly after writing the above, andproceeded at a brisk trot in the direction of Sowster’s residence,passingthroughabeautifulexpanseofcountry,withredbrickbuildingson either side, and stopping in the marketplace to observe the spotwhereMr.Kwakley’shatwasblownoffyesterday.Itisanunevenpieceof paving, but has certainly no appearancewhichwould lead one tosuppose thatanysucheventhad recentlyoccurred there. From thispoint I proceeded—passing the gas-works and tallow-melter’s—to alane which had been pointed out to me as the beadle’s place ofresidence; and before I had driven a dozen yards further, I had thegoodfortunetomeetSowsterhimselfadvancingtowardsme.‘Sowster is a fat man, with a more enlarged development of thatpeculiar conformation of countenance which is vulgarly termed adoublechinthanIremembertohaveeverseenbefore.Hehasalsoavery red nose, which he attributes to a habit of early rising—so red,indeed, that but for this explanation I should have supposed it toproceedfromoccasionalinebriety.Heinformedmethathedidnotfeelhimself at liberty to relate what had passed between himself andProfessor Pumpkinskull, but had no objection to state that it wasconnectedwithamatterofpolice regulation,andaddedwithpeculiarsignificance“Neverwossitchtimes!”‘You will easily believe that this intelligence gave me considerablesurprise, not wholly unmixed with anxiety, and that I lost no time in

waitingonProfessorPumpkinskull,andstating theobjectofmyvisit.Afterafewmoments’reflection,theProfessor,who,Iamboundtosay,behaved with the utmost politeness, openly avowed (I mark thepassage in italics) that he had requested Sowster to attend on theMonday morning at the Boot-jack and Countenance, to keep off theboys;and thathehad furtherdesired that theunder-beadlemightbestationed,withthesameobject,attheBlackBoyandStomach-ache!‘NowIleavethisunconstitutionalproceedingtoyourcommentsandtheconsiderationofyourreaders.Ihaveyettolearnthatabeadle,withoutthe precincts of a church, churchyard, or work-house, and actingotherwise than under the express orders of churchwardens andoverseersincouncilassembled,toenforcethelawagainstpeoplewhocome upon the parish, and other offenders, has any lawful authoritywhateverovertherisingyouthofthiscountry.Ihaveyettolearnthatabeadlecanbecalledoutbyanycivilian toexerciseadominationanddespotismovertheboysofBritain.Ihaveyettolearnthatabeadlewillbepermittedbythecommissionersofpoor lawregulationtowearoutthesolesandheelsofhisbootsinillegalinterferencewiththelibertiesofpeoplenotprovedpoororotherwisecriminal.Ihaveyettolearnthata beadle has power to stop up the Queen’s highway at his will andpleasure,or that thewholewidthof thestreet isnot freeandopentoany man, boy, or woman in existence, up to the very walls of thehouses—ay, be they Black Boys and Stomach-aches, or Boot-jacksandCountenances,Icarenot.’‘Nineo’clock.‘I have procured a local artist tomake a faithful sketch of the tyrantSowster,which,ashehasacquiredthisinfamouscelebrity,youwillnodoubtwishtohaveengravedforthepurposeofpresentingacopywitheverycopyofyournextnumber.Iencloseit.[Picturewhichcannotbereproduced]Theunder-beadlehasconsentedtowritehislife,butit istobestrictlyanonymous.‘Theaccompanyinglikenessisofcoursefromthelife,andcompleteinevery respect. Even if I had been totally ignorant of theman’s realcharacter,and ithadbeenplacedbeforemewithout remark, Ishouldhave shuddered involuntarily. There is an intense malignity ofexpression in the features, and a baleful ferocity of purpose in theruffian’seye,whichappalsandsickens.Hiswholeairisrampantwithcruelty, nor is the stomach less characteristic of his demoniac

propensities.’‘Monday.‘Thegreatdayhasatlengtharrived.Ihaveneithereyes,norears,norpens, nor ink, nor paper, for anything but thewonderful proceedingsthat have astounded my senses. Let me collect my energies andproceedtotheaccount.

‘SECTIONA.—ZOOLOGYANDBOTANY.FRONTPARLOUR,BLACKBOYANDSTOMACH-ACHE.

President—Sir William Joltered. Vice-Presidents—Mr. MuddlebranesandMr.Drawley.‘MR.X.X.MISTYcommunicatedsomeremarksonthedisappearanceofdancing-bearsfromthestreetsofLondon,withobservationsontheexhibitionofmonkeysasconnectedwithbarrel-organs.Thewriterhadobserved,withfeelingsoftheutmostpainandregret,thatsomeyearsagoasuddenandunaccountablechangeinthepublictastetookplacewith reference to itinerant bears,who, being discountenanced by thepopulace, gradually fell off one by one from the streets of themetropolis,untilnotoneremainedtocreateatastefornaturalhistoryinthebreastsofthepooranduninstructed.Onebear,indeed,—abrownand ragged animal,—had lingered about the haunts of his formertriumphs,withawornanddejectedvisageand feeble limbs,andhadessayedtowieldhisquarter-staff for theamusementof themultitude;buthunger,andanutterwantofanyduerecompenseforhisabilities,hadat length drivenhim from the field, and itwasonly too probablethathehadfallenasacrificetotherisingtasteforgrease.Heregrettedtoaddthatasimilar,andnolesslamentable,changehadtakenplacewithreferencetomonkeys.Thesedelightfulanimalshadformerlybeenalmost as plentiful as the organs on the tops of which they wereaccustomedtosit; theproportionintheyear1829(itappearedbytheparliamentary return) being as onemonkey to three organs. Owing,however, to an altered taste in musical instruments, and thesubstitution, inagreatmeasure,ofnarrowboxesofmusicfororgans,which left the monkeys nothing to sit upon, this source of publicamusement was wholly dried up. Considering it a matter of thedeepest importance, in connection with national education, that thepeople should not lose such opportunities of making themselvesacquainted with the manners and customs of two most interesting

speciesofanimals, theauthorsubmitted that somemeasuresshouldbe immediately taken for the restoration of these pleasing and trulyintellectualamusements.‘THE PRESIDENT inquired by what means the honourable memberproposedtoattainthismostdesirableend?‘THEAUTHORsubmitted that it couldbemost fullyandsatisfactorilyaccomplished,ifHerMajesty’sGovernmentwouldcausetobebroughtover to England, and maintained at the public expense, and for thepublic amusement, such a number of bears as would enable everyquarterofthetowntobevisited—sayatleastbythreebearsaweek.Nodifficultywhateverneedbeexperiencedinprovidingafittingplaceforthereceptionoftheseanimals,asacommodiousbear-gardencouldbe erected in the immediate neighbourhood of both Houses ofParliament; obviously the most proper and eligible spot for such anestablishment.‘PROFESSORMULLdoubtedverymuchwhetheranycorrectideasofnaturalhistorywerepropagatedbythemeanstowhichthehonourablememberhadsoablyadverted.Onthecontrary,hebelievedthattheyhadbeen themeansofdiffusingvery incorrectand imperfectnotionson the subject. He spoke from personal observation and personalexperience,whenhesaidthatmanychildrenofgreatabilitieshadbeeninducedtobelieve,fromwhattheyhadobservedinthestreets,atandbeforetheperiodtowhichthehonourablegentlemanhadreferred,thatallmonkeyswereborn in redcoatsandspangles,and that theirhatsand feathers also came by nature. He wished to know distinctlywhether the honourable gentleman attributed the want ofencouragementthebearshadmetwithtothedeclineofpublictasteinthatrespect,ortoawantofabilityonthepartofthebearsthemselves?‘MR.X.X.MISTYreplied,thathecouldnotbringhimselftobelievebutthattheremustbeagreatdealoffloatingtalentamongthebearsandmonkeys generally; which, in the absence of any properencouragement,wasdispersedinotherdirections.‘PROFESSOR PUMPKINSKULL wished to take that opportunity ofcalling the attention of the section to a most important and seriouspoint.Theauthorofthetreatisejustreadhadalludedtotheprevalenttaste for bears’-grease as a means of promoting the growth of hair,whichundoubtedlywasdiffusedtoaverygreatand(asitappearedtohim)veryalarmingextent.Nogentlemanattendingthatsectioncouldfailtobeawareofthefactthattheyouthofthepresentageevinced,by

their behaviour in the streets, and at all places of public resort, aconsiderable lack of that gallantry and gentlemanly feeling which, inmoreignoranttimes,hadbeenthoughtbecoming.Hewishedtoknowwhetheritwerepossiblethataconstantoutwardapplicationofbears’-greasebytheyounggentlemenabouttownhadimperceptibly infusedintothoseunhappypersonssomethingofthenatureandqualityofthebear.Heshudderedashethrewouttheremark;butifthistheory,oninquiry, should prove to be well founded, it would at once explain agreatdealofunpleasanteccentricityofbehaviour,which,withoutsomesuchdiscovery,waswhollyunaccountable.‘THEPRESIDENThighlycomplimented the learnedgentlemanonhismostvaluablesuggestion,whichproducedthegreatesteffectupontheassembly;andremarkedthatonlyaweekprevioushehadseensomeyoung gentlemen at a theatre eyeing a box of ladies with a fierceintensity,whichnothingbuttheinfluenceofsomebrutishappetitecouldpossibly explain. It was dreadful to reflect that our youth were sorapidlyvergingintoagenerationofbears.‘After a scene of scientific enthusiasm it was resolved that thisimportant question should be immediately submitted to theconsiderationofthecouncil.‘THE PRESIDENT wished to know whether any gentleman couldinformthesectionwhathadbecomeofthedancing-dogs?‘AMEMBERreplied,aftersomehesitation,thatonthedayafterthreeglee-singershadbeencommittedtoprisonascriminalsbyalatemostzealouspolice-magistrateof themetropolis, thedogshadabandonedtheirprofessionalduties,anddispersedthemselvesindifferentquartersof the town to gain a livelihood by less dangerousmeans. He wasgiven to understand that since that period they had supportedthemselvesbylyinginwaitforandrobbingblindmen’spoodles.‘MR.FLUMMERYexhibitedatwig,claimingtobeaveritablebranchofthatnoble treeknowntonaturalistsas theSHAKSPEARE,whichhastakenrootineverylandandclimate,andgatheredundertheshadeofits broad green boughs the great family of mankind. The learnedgentleman remarked that the twig had been undoubtedly called byothernames in its time;but that ithadbeenpointedout tohimbyanoldladyinWarwickshire,wherethegreattreehadgrown,asashootofthegenuineSHAKSPEARE,bywhichnamehebeggedtointroduceittohiscountrymen.‘THE PRESIDENT wished to know what botanical definition the

honourablegentlemancouldaffordofthecuriosity.‘MR. FLUMMERY expressed his opinion that it was A DECIDEDPLANT.

‘SECTIONB.—DISPLAYOFMODELSANDMECHANICALSCIENCE.

LARGEROOM,BOOT-JACKANDCOUNTENANCE.

President—Mr.Mallett.Vice-Presidents—Messrs.LeaverandScroo.‘MR. CRINKLES exhibited amost beautiful and delicatemachine, oflittle larger size than an ordinary snuff-box,manufactured entirely byhimself,andcomposedexclusivelyofsteel,by theaidofwhichmorepockets could be picked in one hour than by the present slow andtediousprocessinfour-and-twenty.Theinventorremarkedthat ithadbeen put into active operation in Fleet Street, the Strand, and otherthoroughfares,andhadneverbeenonceknowntofail.‘After some slight delay, occasioned by the various members of thesectionbuttoningtheirpockets,‘THEPRESIDENTnarrowlyinspectedtheinvention,anddeclaredthathe had never seen a machine of more beautiful or exquisiteconstruction.Wouldtheinventorbegoodenoughtoinformthesectionwhetherhehadtakenanyandwhatmeansforbringingitintogeneraloperation?‘MR. CRINKLES stated that, after encountering some preliminarydifficulties,hehadsucceededinputtinghimselfincommunicationwithMr.FogleHunter,andothergentlemenconnectedwiththeswellmob,whohadawardedtheinventiontheveryhighestandmostunqualifiedapprobation. He regretted to say, however, that these distinguishedpractitioners,incommonwithagentlemanofthenameofGimlet-eyedTommy, and other members of a secondary grade of the professionwhom he was understood to represent, entertained an insuperableobjection to its being brought into general use, on the ground that itwouldhavetheinevitableeffectofalmostentirelysupersedingmanuallabour,andthrowingagreatnumberofhighly-deservingpersonsoutofemployment.‘THE PRESIDENT hoped that no such fanciful objections would beallowedtostandinthewayofsuchagreatpublicimprovement.‘MR.CRINKLEShopedso too;buthe feared that if thegentlemenoftheswellmobperseveredintheirobjection,nothingcouldbedone.

‘PROFESSOR GRIME suggested, that surely, in that case, HerMajesty’sGovernmentmightbeprevailedupontotakeitup.‘MR.CRINKLESsaid,thatiftheobjectionwerefoundtobeinsuperablehe should apply to Parliament, which he thought could not fail torecognisetheutilityoftheinvention.‘THE PRESIDENT observed that, up to this time Parliament hadcertainlygotonverywellwithoutit;but,astheydidtheirbusinessonavery large scale, he had no doubt they would gladly adopt theimprovement.Hisonlyfearwasthatthemachinemightbewornoutbyconstantworking.‘MR.COPPERNOSEcalledtheattentionofthesectiontoapropositionofgreatmagnitudeandinterest,illustratedbyavastnumberofmodels,and statedwithmuch clearness and perspicuity in a treatise entitled“Practical Suggestions on the necessity of providing some harmlessandwholesome relaxation for the young noblemen of England.” Hispropositionwas, that a spaceof groundof not less than tenmiles inlengthandfourinbreadthshouldbepurchasedbyanewcompany,tobe incorporatedbyActofParliament, and inclosedbyabrickwall ofnotlessthantwelvefeetinheight.Heproposedthatitshouldbelaidout with highway roads, turnpikes, bridges, miniature villages, andevery object that could conduce to the comfort and glory of Four-in-handClubs,so that theymightbe fairlypresumedtorequirenodrivebeyond it. This delightful retreat would be fitted up with mostcommodiousandextensivestables,fortheconvenienceofsuchofthenobility and gentry as had a taste for ostlering, and with houses ofentertainmentfurnishedinthemostexpensiveandhandsomestyle.Itwouldbefurtherprovidedwithwholestreetsofdoor-knockersandbell-handles of extra size, so constructed that they could be easilywrenchedoff at night, and regularly screwedonagain, byattendantsprovidedforthepurpose,everyday.Therewouldalsobegaslampsofrealglass,whichcouldbebrokenatacomparativelysmallexpenseperdozen, and a broad and handsome foot pavement for gentlemen todrive their cabrioletsuponwhen theywerehumorouslydisposed—forthe full enjoyment of which feat live pedestrians would be procuredfromtheworkhouseataverysmallchargeperhead.Theplacebeinginclosed,andcarefullyscreenedfromtheintrusionofthepublic,therewould be no objection to gentlemen laying aside any article of theircostume that was considered to interfere with a pleasant frolic, or,indeed, to theirwalkingaboutwithoutanycostumeatall, if they liked

thatbetter.Inshort,everyfacilityofenjoymentwouldbeaffordedthatthemostgentlemanlypersoncouldpossiblydesire.Butaseventheseadvantages would be incomplete unless there were some meansprovided of enabling the nobility and gentry to display their prowesswhentheysalliedforthafterdinner,andassomeinconveniencemightbeexperiencedintheeventoftheirbeingreducedtothenecessityofpummelling each other, the inventor had turned his attention to theconstruction of an entirely newpolice force, composedexclusively ofautomaton figures,which,with theassistanceof the ingeniousSignorGagliardi, ofWindmill-street, in theHaymarket, he had succeeded inmakingwith such nicety, that a policeman, cab-driver, or oldwoman,madeupontheprincipleofthemodelsexhibited,wouldwalkaboutuntilknockeddownlikeanyrealman;nay,more,ifsetuponandbeatenbysixoreightnoblemenorgentlemen,afteritwasdown,thefigurewouldutterdiversgroans,mingledwithentreaties formercy, thus renderingtheillusioncomplete,andtheenjoymentperfect.Buttheinventiondidnotstopevenhere;forstation-houseswouldbebuilt,containinggoodbedsfornoblemenandgentlemenduringthenight,andinthemorningtheywouldrepair toacommodiouspoliceoffice,whereapantomimicinvestigation would take place before the automaton magistrates,—quite equal to life,—who would fine them in so many counters, withwhich theywouldbepreviouslyprovided for thepurpose. Thisofficewouldbefurnishedwithan inclinedplane, for theconvenienceofanynobleman or gentleman who might wish to bring in his horse as awitness; and the prisoners would be at perfect liberty, as they werenow, to interrupt the complainants asmuch as they pleased, and tomake any remarks that they thought proper. The charge for theseamusementswouldamount tovery littlemore than theyalreadycost,andtheinventorsubmittedthatthepublicwouldbemuchbenefitedandcomfortedbytheproposedarrangement.‘PROFESSOR NOGO wished to be informed what amount ofautomatonpoliceforceitwasproposedtoraiseinthefirstinstance.‘MR.COPPERNOSEreplied,thatitwasproposedtobeginwithsevendivisionsof policeof a scoreeach, lettered fromA toG inclusive. Itwasproposedthatnotmorethanhalfthisnumbershouldbeplacedonactive duty, and that the remainder should be kept on shelves in thepoliceofficereadytobecalledoutatamoment’snotice.‘THE PRESIDENT, awarding the utmost merit to the ingeniousgentleman who had originated the idea, doubted whether the

automaton police would quite answer the purpose. He feared thatnoblemen and gentlemen would perhaps require the excitement ofthrashinglivingsubjects.‘MR.COPPERNOSEsubmitted,thatastheusualoddsinsuchcaseswere ten noblemen or gentlemen to one policeman or cab-driver, itcould make very little difference in point of excitement whether thepolicemanorcab-driverwereamanorablock.Thegreatadvantagewouldbe,thatapoliceman’slimbsmightbeallknockedoff,andyethewouldbe inacondition tododutynextday. Hemightevengivehisevidence nextmorningwith his head in his hand, and give it equallywell.‘PROFESSOR MUFF.—Will you allow me to ask you, sir, of whatmaterialsitisintendedthatthemagistrates’headsshallbecomposed?‘MR. COPPERNOSE.—The magistrates will have wooden heads ofcourse, and theywill bemadeof the toughest and thickestmaterialsthatcanpossiblybeobtained.‘PROFESSORMUFF.—Iamquitesatisfied.Thisisagreatinvention.‘PROFESSORNOGO.—Iseebutoneobjectiontoit.Itappearstomethatthemagistratesoughttotalk.‘MR.COPPERNOSEnosoonerheardthissuggestionthanhetoucheda small spring in each of the twomodels ofmagistrates whichwereplaceduponthetable;oneofthefiguresimmediatelybegantoexclaimwith great volubility that he was sorry to see gentlemen in such asituation, and the other to express a fear that the policeman wasintoxicated.‘The section, as with one accord, declaredwith a shout of applausethat the invention was complete; and the President, much excited,retiredwithMr.Coppernosetolayitbeforethecouncil.Onhisreturn,‘MR.TICKLEdisplayedhisnewly-inventedspectacles,whichenabledthewearertodiscern,inverybrightcolours,objectsatagreatdistance,andrenderedhimwhollyblindtothoseimmediatelybeforehim.Itwas,hesaid,amostvaluableanduseful invention,basedstrictlyupontheprincipleofthehumaneye.‘THEPRESIDENTrequiredsomeinformationuponthispoint.Hehadyettolearnthatthehumaneyewasremarkableforthepeculiaritiesofwhichthehonourablegentlemanhadspoken.‘MR.TICKLEwas ratherastonished tohear this,when thePresidentcould not fail to be aware that a large number of most excellentpersons and great statesmen could see, with the naked eye, most

marvelloushorrorsonWestIndiaplantations,whiletheycoulddiscernnothingwhatever in the interior ofManchester cottonmills. Hemustknow, too, with what quickness of perception most people coulddiscovertheirneighbour’sfaults,andhowveryblindtheyweretotheirown. If the President differed from the greatmajority ofmen in thisrespect,hiseyewasadefectiveone,anditwastoassisthisvisionthattheseglassesweremade.‘MR.BLANKexhibitedamodelofa fashionableannual,composedofcopper-plates,gold leaf, andsilkboards,andworkedentirelybymilkandwater.‘MR. PROSEE, after examining the machine, declared it to be soingeniously composed, that he was wholly unable to discover how itwentonatall.‘MR.BLANK.—Nobodycan,andthatisthebeautyofit.

‘SECTIONC.—ANATOMYANDMEDICINE.BARROOM,BLACKBOYANDSTOMACH-ACHE.

President—Dr. Soemup. Vice-Presidents—Messrs. Pessell andMortair.‘DR. GRUMMIDGE stated to the section a most interesting case ofmonomania, and described the course of treatment he had pursuedwith perfect success. The patient was amarried lady in themiddlerankoflife,who,havingseenanotherladyataneveningpartyinafullsuitofpearls,wassuddenlyseizedwithadesire topossessasimilarequipment,althoughherhusband’sfinanceswerebynomeansequaltothenecessaryoutlay.Findingherwishungratified,shefellsick,andthesymptomssoonbecamesoalarming,thathe(Dr.Grummidge)wascalled in. At this period the prominent tokens of the disorder weresullenness, a total indisposition to perform domestic duties, greatpeevishness, and extreme languor, except when pearls werementioned,atwhichtimesthepulsequickened,theeyesgrewbrighter,the pupils dilated, and the patient, after various incoherentexclamations,burstintoapassionoftears,andexclaimedthatnobodycared for her, and that she wished herself dead. Finding that thepatient’sappetitewasaffected in thepresenceofcompany,hebeganbyorderinga total abstinence fromall stimulants, and forbiddinganysustenance but weak gruel; he then took twenty ounces of blood,appliedablisterundereachear,oneupon thechest,andanotheron

theback;havingdonewhich,andadministeredfivegrainsofcalomel,heleftthepatienttoherrepose.Thenextdayshewassomewhatlow,but decidedly better, andall appearancesof irritationwere removed.Thenextdaysheimprovedstillfurther,andonthenextagain.Onthefourth therewas some appearance of a return of the old symptoms,whichnosoonerdevelopedthemselves,thanheadministeredanotherdose of calomel, and left strict orders that, unless a decidedlyfavourablechangeoccurredwithintwohours,thepatient’sheadshouldbe immediately shaved to the very last curl. From thatmoment shebegantomend,and, in less thanfour-and-twentyhourswasperfectlyrestored. She did not now betray the least emotion at the sight ormentionofpearlsoranyotherornaments.Shewascheerfulandgood-humoured, and a most beneficial change had been effected in herwholetemperamentandcondition.‘MR. PIPKIN (M.R.C.S.) read a short but most interestingcommunication inwhichhesought toprove thecompletebeliefofSirWilliamCourtenay,otherwiseThorn,recentlyshotatCanterbury,intheHomoeopathicsystem.ThesectionwouldbearinmindthatoneoftheHomoeopathicdoctrineswas, that infinitesimaldosesofanymedicinewhichwould occasion the disease under which the patient laboured,supposinghim tobe inahealthystate,wouldcure it. Now, itwasaremarkablecircumstance—provedintheevidence—thatthedeceasedThorn employed a woman to follow him about all day with a pail ofwater,assuringherthatonedrop(apurelyhomoeopathicremedy,thesection would observe), placed upon his tongue, after death, wouldrestorehim. Whatwastheobvious inference?ThatThorn,whowasmarching and countermarching in osier beds, and other swampyplaces,wasimpressedwithapresentimentthatheshouldbedrowned;inwhichcase,hadhisinstructionsbeencompliedwith,hecouldnotfailtohavebeenbroughttolifeagaininstantlybyhisownprescription.Asit was, if this woman, or any other person, had administered aninfinitesimaldoseof leadandgunpowder immediatelyafterhefell,hewouldhaverecoveredforthwith.Butunhappilythewomanconcerneddidnotpossess thepowerof reasoningbyanalogy,orcarryingoutaprinciple, and thus the unfortunate gentleman had been sacrificed totheignoranceofthepeasantry.

‘SECTIOND.—STATISTICS.OUT-HOUSE,BLACKBOYANDSTOMACH-ACHE.

President—Mr.Slug.Vice-Presidents—Messrs.NoakesandStyles.‘MR. KWAKLEY stated the result of some most ingenious statisticalinquiriesrelativetothedifferencebetweenthevalueofthequalificationof severalmembers of Parliament as published to theworld, and itsreal nature and amount. After reminding the section that everymemberofParliamentforatownorboroughwassupposedtopossessa clear freehold estate of three hundred pounds per annum, thehonourable gentleman excited great amusement and laughter bystating theexactamountof freeholdpropertypossessedbyacolumnof legislators, inwhichhehadincludedhimself. Itappearedfromthistable, that the amount of such income possessed by each was 0pounds, 0 shillings, and 0 pence, yielding an average of the same.(Great laughter.) It was pretty well known that there wereaccommodatinggentlemeninthehabitoffurnishingnewmemberswithtemporary qualifications, to the ownership of which they sworesolemnly—of course as a mere matter of form. He argued fromthesedatathatitwaswhollyunnecessaryformembersofParliamenttopossess any property at all, especially as when they had none thepubliccouldgetthemsomuchcheaper.

‘SUPPLEMENTARYSECTION,E.—UMBUGOLOGYANDDITCHWATERISICS.

President—Mr.Grub.VicePresidents—Messrs.DullandDummy.‘Apaperwasreadbythesecretarydescriptiveofabayponywithoneeye,whichhadbeenseenbytheauthorstandinginabutcher’scartatthe corner of Newgate Market. The communication described theauthor of the paper as having, in the prosecution of a mercantilepursuit, betaken himself one Saturday morning last summer fromSomersTowntoCheapside; inthecourseofwhichexpeditionhehadbeheldtheextraordinaryappearanceabovedescribed.Theponyhadone distinct eye, and it had been pointed out to him by his friendCaptainBlunderbore,oftheHorseMarines,whoassistedtheauthorinhis search, that whenever he winked this eye he whisked his tail(possiblytodrivethefliesoff),butthathealwayswinkedandwhiskedat thesametime. Theanimalwas lean,spavined,and tottering;andthe author proposed to constitute it of the familyofFitfordogsmeataurious.Itcertainlydidoccurtohimthattherewasno

caseonrecordofaponywithoneclearly-definedanddistinctorganofvision,winkingandwhiskingatthesamemoment.‘MR.Q.J.SNUFFLETOFFLEhadheardofaponywinkinghiseye,andlikewiseofaponywhiskinghistail,butwhethertheyweretwoponiesor the same pony he could not undertake positively to say. At allevents, he was acquainted with no authenticated instance of asimultaneouswinkingandwhisking,andhereallycouldnotbutdoubtthe existence of such a marvellous pony in opposition to all thosenatural lawsbywhichponiesweregoverned. Referring, however, tothe mere question of his one organ of vision, might he suggest thepossibilityof thisponyhavingbeen literallyhalfasleepat the timehewasseen,andhavingclosedonlyoneeye.‘THEPRESIDENTobservedthat,whethertheponywashalfasleeporfast asleep, there could be no doubt that the association was wideawake,andthereforethattheyhadbettergetthebusinessover,andgoto dinner. He had certainly never seen anything analogous to thispony,buthewasnotpreparedtodoubtitsexistence;forhehadseenmany queerer ponies in his time, though he did not pretend to haveseenanymoreremarkabledonkeysthantheothergentlemenaroundhim.‘PROFESSORJOHNKETCHwasthencalledupontoexhibittheskullof the late Mr. Greenacre, which he produced from a blue bag,remarking,onbeinginvitedtomakeanyobservationsthatoccurredtohim,“thathe’dpounditasthat’ere’spectablesectionhadneverseedamoregamerercovenorhevos.”‘Amost animated discussion upon this interesting relic ensued; and,somedifferenceofopinionarisingrespectingtherealcharacterof thedeceasedgentleman,Mr.Blubbdelivereda lectureupon thecraniumbeforehim,clearlyshowingthatMr.Greenacrepossessedtheorganofdestructiveness to a most unusual extent, with a most remarkabledevelopmentoftheorganofcarveativeness.SirHookhamSniveywasproceeding to combat this opinion, when Professor Ketch suddenlyinterrupted the proceedings by exclaiming, with great excitement ofmanner,“Walker!”‘THEPRESIDENTbeggedtocallthelearnedgentlemantoorder.‘PROFESSORKETCH.—“Orderbeblowed!you’vegotthewrongun,Itellyou.Itain’tno’edatall; it’sacoker-nutasmybrother-in-lawhasbeen a-carvin’, to hornament his new baked tatur-stall wots a-comin’down’erevilethe’sociation’sinthetown.Handover,villyou?”

‘Withthesewords,ProfessorKetchhastilyrepossessedhimselfofthecocoa-nut, and drew forth the skull, in mistake for which he hadexhibited it. A most interesting conversation ensued; but as thereappeared some doubt ultimately whether the skull was Mr.Greenacre’s, or a hospital patient’s, or a pauper’s, or a man’s, or awoman’s,oramonkey’s,noparticularresultwasobtained.’

‘I cannot,’ says our talented correspondent in conclusion, ‘I cannotclosemyaccountofthesegiganticresearchesandsublimeandnobletriumphswithout repeating abonmot of ProfessorWoodensconce’s,whichshowshow thegreatestmindsmayoccasionallyunbendwhentruth can be presented to listening ears, clothed in an attractive andplayful form. I was standing by, when, after a week of feasting andfeeding, that learned gentleman, accompanied by the whole body ofwonderfulmen,enteredthehallyesterday,whereasumptuousdinnerwasprepared;wheretherichestwinessparkledontheboard,andfatbucks—propitiatory sacrifices to learning—sent forth their savouryodours. “Ah!”saidProfessorWoodensconce,rubbinghishands,“thisis what we meet for; this is what inspires us; this is what keeps ustogether,andbeckonsusonward;thisisthespreadofscience,andagloriousspreaditis.”’

THEPANTOMIMEOFLIFE

Beforeweplungeheadlongintothispaper,letusatonceconfesstoafondness for pantomimes—to a gentle sympathy with clowns andpantaloons—toanunqualifiedadmirationofharlequinsandcolumbines—toachastedelightineveryactionoftheirbriefexistence,variedandmany-coloured as those actions are, and inconsistent though theyoccasionally be with those rigid and formal rules of propriety whichregulate the proceedings ofmeaner and less comprehensiveminds.We revel in pantomimes—not because they dazzle one’s eyes withtinsel andgold leaf; not because theypresent to us, onceagain, thewell-belovedchalkedfaces,andgoggleeyesofourchildhood;notevenbecause, likeChristmas-day, and Twelfth-night, andShrove-Tuesday,and one’s own birthday, they come to us but once a year;—ourattachment is founded on a graver and a very different reason. Apantomimeistous,amirroroflife;nay,more,wemaintainthatitissotoaudiencesgenerally,althoughtheyarenotawareofit,andthatthis

verycircumstanceisthesecretcauseoftheiramusementanddelight.Let us take a slight example. The scene is a street: an elderlygentleman,witha large faceandstronglymarked features,appears.Hiscountenancebeamswithasunnysmile,andaperpetualdimpleisonhisbroad,redcheek.Heisevidentlyanopulentelderlygentleman,comfortable in circumstances, andwell-to-do in theworld. He is notunmindful of the adornment of his person, for he is richly, not to saygaudily, dressed; and that he indulges to a reasonable extent in thepleasuresofthetablemaybeinferredfromthejoyousandoilymannerinwhichherubshisstomach,bywayofinformingtheaudiencethatheis going home to dinner. In the fulness of his heart, in the fanciedsecurity of wealth, in the possession and enjoyment of all the goodthings of life, the elderly gentleman suddenly loses his footing, andstumbles. How the audience roar! He is set upon by a noisy andofficious crowd, who buffet and cuff him unmercifully. They screamwithdelight!Everytimetheelderlygentlemanstrugglestogetup,hisrelentless persecutors knock him down again. The spectators areconvulsed with merriment! And when at last the elderly gentlemandoes get up, and staggers away, despoiled of hat,wig, and clothing,himself battered to pieces, and hiswatch andmoney gone, they areexhaustedwithlaughter,andexpresstheirmerrimentandadmirationinroundsofapplause.Is this like life? Change the scene to any real street;—to the StockExchange, or the City banker’s; the merchant’s counting-house, oreventhetradesman’sshop.Seeanyoneofthesemenfall,—themoresuddenly,andthenearerthezenithofhisprideandriches,thebetter.Whatawildhallo israisedoverhisprostratecarcaseby theshoutingmob;howtheywhoopandyellashelieshumbledbeneaththem!Markhoweagerlytheysetuponhimwhenheisdown;andhowtheymockandderidehimasheslinksaway.Why,itisthepantomimetotheveryletter.Of all the pantomimicdramatis personae, we consider the pantaloonthe most worthless and debauched. Independent of the dislike onenaturallyfeelsatseeingagentlemanofhisyearsengagedinpursuitshighlyunbecominghisgravityandtimeoflife,wecannotconcealfromourselves the fact thathe isa treacherous,worldly-mindedoldvillain,constantlyenticinghisyoungercompanion,theclown,intoactsoffraudorpettylarceny,andgenerallystandingasidetowatchtheresultoftheenterprise.Ifitbesuccessful,heneverforgetstoreturnforhisshareof

thespoil;butifitturnoutafailure,hegenerallyretireswithremarkablecaution and expedition, and keeps carefully aloof until the affair hasblown over. His amorous propensities, too, are eminentlydisagreeable;andhismodeofaddressing ladies in theopenstreetatnoon-day is down-right improper, beingusually neithermorenor lessthan a perceptible tickling of the aforesaid ladies in the waist, aftercommittingwhich,hestartsback,manifestlyashamed(aswellhemaybe) of his own indecorum and temerity; continuing, nevertheless, toogle and beckon to them from a distance in a very unpleasant andimmoralmanner.Is there any man who cannot count a dozen pantaloons in his ownsocial circle? Is thereanymanwhohasnotseen themswarmingatthewestendof the townona sunshinydayora summer’sevening,goingthroughthelast-namedpantomimicfeatswithasmuchliquorishenergy,andastotalanabsenceofreserve,asiftheywereontheverystage itself? Wecan telluponour fingersadozenpantaloonsofouracquaintance at this moment—capital pantaloons, who have beenperformingallkindsofstrangefreaks,tothegreatamusementoftheirfriends and acquaintance, for years past; and who to this day aremaking such comical and ineffectual attempts to be young anddissolute,thatallbeholdersareliketodiewithlaughter.Take that old gentleman who has just emerged from the Caféde l’Europe in the Haymarket, where he has been dining at theexpenseoftheyoungmanupontownwithwhomheshakeshandsastheypartatthedoorofthetavern.Theaffectedwarmthofthatshakeofthehand,thecourteousnod,theobviousrecollectionofthedinner,the savoury flavour of which still hangs upon his lips, are allcharacteristicsofhisgreatprototype. Hehobblesawayhumminganopera tune, and twirling his cane to and fro, with affectedcarelessness. Suddenly he stops—’tis at the milliner’s window. Hepeeps through one of the large panes of glass; and, his view of theladieswithinbeingobstructedbytheIndiashawls,directshisattentionstotheyounggirlwiththeband-boxinherhand,whoisgazinginatthewindowalso.See!hedrawsbesideher.Hecoughs;sheturnsawayfromhim.Hedrawsnearheragain;shedisregardshim.Hegleefullychucks her under the chin, and, retreating a few steps, nods andbeckonswithfantasticgrimaces,whilethegirlbestowsacontemptuousandsuperciliouslookuponhiswrinkledvisage.Sheturnsawaywithaflounce,andtheoldgentlemantrotsafterherwithatoothlesschuckle.

Thepantaloontothelife!Butthecloseresemblancewhichtheclownsofthestagebeartothoseof every-day life is perfectly extraordinary. Some people talk with asighofthedeclineofpantomime,andmurmurinlowanddismaltonesthenameofGrimaldi.Wemeannodisparagementtotheworthyandexcellent old man when we say that this is downright nonsense.ClownsthatbeatGrimaldialltonothingturnupeveryday,andnobodypatronizesthem—more’sthepity!‘I know who you mean,’ says some dirty-faced patron of Mr.Osbaldistone’s, layingdown theMiscellanywhenhehasgot thus far,andbestowinguponvacancyamostknowingglance;‘youmeanC.J.SmithasdidGuyFawkes,andGeorgeBarnwellat theGarden.’ Thedirty-faced gentleman has hardly uttered the words, when he isinterrupted by a young gentleman in no shirt-collar and aPetershamcoat.‘No,no,’saystheyounggentleman;‘hemeansBrown,King,andGibson, at the ‘Delphi.’ Now, with great deference both to the first-namedgentlemanwiththedirtyface,andthelast-namedgentlemaninthenon-existingshirt-collar,wedonotmeaneither theperformerwhoso grotesquely burlesqued the Popish conspirator, or the threeunchangeables who have been dancing the same dance underdifferentimposingtitles,anddoingthesamethingundervarioushigh-sounding names for some five or six years last past. We have nosooner made this avowal, than the public, who have hitherto beensilentwitnessesofthedispute,inquirewhatonearthitiswedomean;and,withbecomingrespect,weproceedtotellthem.It is very well known to all playgoers and pantomime-seers, that thescenesinwhichatheatricalclownisattheveryheightofhisgloryarethosewhicharedescribed in theplay-bills as ‘Cheesemonger’s shopand Crockery warehouse,’ or ‘Tailor’s shop, and Mrs. Queertable’sboarding-house,’orplacesbearingsomesuchtitle,wherethegreatfunofthethingconsistsinthehero’stakinglodgingswhichhehasnottheslightest intention of paying for, or obtaining goods under falsepretences, or abstracting the stock-in-trade of the respectableshopkeeper next door, or robbing warehouse porters as they passunder his window, or, to shorten the catalogue, in his swindlingeverybodyhepossiblycan, itonly remaining tobeobserved that, themore extensive the swindling is, and the more barefaced theimpudenceof theswindler, thegreater theraptureandecstasyof theaudience. Now it isamost remarkable fact thatprecisely thissortof

thingoccursinreallifedayafterday,andnobodyseesthehumourofit.Letusillustrateourpositionbydetailingtheplotofthisportionofthepantomime—notofthetheatre,butoflife.The Honourable Captain Fitz-Whisker Fiercy, attended by his liveryservantDo’em—amostrespectableservanttolookat,whohasgrowngrey in the service of the captain’s family—views, treats for, andultimately obtains possession of, the unfurnished house, such anumber,suchastreet.Allthetradesmenintheneighbourhoodareinagoniesofcompetitionforthecaptain’scustom;thecaptainisagood-natured, kind-hearted, easy man, and, to avoid being the cause ofdisappointment to any, he most handsomely gives orders to all.Hampersofwine,basketsofprovisions,cart-loadsof furniture,boxesofjewellery,suppliesofluxuriesofthecostliestdescription,flocktothehouseof theHonourableCaptainFitz-WhiskerFiercy,where theyarereceivedwith the utmost readiness by the highly respectableDo’em;while the captain himself struts and swaggers about with thatcompound air of conscious superiority and general blood-thirstinesswhichamilitarycaptainshouldalways,anddoesmosttimes,wear,totheadmirationandterrorofplebeianmen.Butthetradesmen’sbacksare no sooner turned, than the captain, with all the eccentricity of amightymind,andassistedbythefaithfulDo’em,whosedevotedfidelityisnottheleasttouchingpartofhischaracter,disposesofeverythingtogreatadvantage; for, although thearticles fetchsmall sums, still theyaresoldconsiderablyabovecostprice, thecost tothecaptainhavingbeen nothing at all. After various manoeuvres, the imposture isdiscovered, Fitz-Fiercy and Do’em are recognized as confederates,andthepoliceofficetowhichtheyarebothtakenisthrongedwiththeirdupes.Who can fail to recognize in this, the exact counterpart of the bestportion of a theatrical pantomime—Fitz-Whisker Fiercy by the clown;Do’embythepantaloon;andsupernumerariesbythetradesmen?Thebestof the joke, too, is, that theverycoal-merchantwhois loudest inhiscomplaintsagainst thepersonwhodefraudedhim, is the identicalmanwhosatinthecentreoftheveryfrontrowofthepitlastnightandlaughedthemostboisterouslyatthisverysamething,—andnotsowelldoneeither.TalkofGrimaldi,wesayagain!DidGrimaldi, inhisbestdays,everdoanythinginthiswayequaltoDaCosta?Thementionofthislatterjustlycelebratedclownremindsusofhislastpiece of humour, the fraudulently obtaining certain stamped

acceptances froma younggentleman in thearmy. Wehad scarcelylaid down our pen to contemplate for a fewmoments this admirableactor’sperformanceofthatexquisitepracticaljoke,thananewbranchof our subject flashed suddenly upon us. Sowe take it up again atonce.All peoplewho have been behind the scenes, andmost peoplewhohave been before them, know, that in the representation of apantomime,agoodmanymenaresentuponthestagefortheexpresspurposeofbeingcheated,orknockeddown,orboth.Now,downtoamomentago,wehadneverbeenabletounderstandforwhatpossiblepurposeagreatnumberofodd,lazy,large-headedmen,whomoneisin the habit ofmeeting here, and there, and everywhere, could everhavebeencreated.Weseeitall,now.Theyarethesupernumerariesinthepantomimeoflife;themenwhohavebeenthrustintoit,withnootherviewthantobeconstantlytumblingovereachother,andrunningtheirheadsagainstallsortsofstrangethings.Wesatoppositetooneofthesemenatasupper-table,onlylastweek.Nowwethinkofit,hewasexactly like thegentlemenwith thepasteboardheadsand faces,whodothecorrespondingbusinessinthetheatricalpantomimes;therewas the same broad stolid simper—the same dull leaden eye—thesame unmeaning, vacant stare; andwhateverwas said, orwhateverwasdone,healwayscame inatprecisely thewrongplace,or jostledagainst something that he had not the slightest business with. Welooked at the man across the table again and again; and could notsatisfyourselveswhatraceofbeingstoclasshimwith.Howveryoddthatthisneveroccurredtousbefore!We will frankly own that we have been much troubled with theharlequin. We see harlequins of so many kinds in the real livingpantomime,thatwehardlyknowwhichtoselectastheproperfellowofhimof the theatres. At one timewewere disposed to think that theharlequinwasneithermorenor less thanayoungmanof familyandindependent property, who had run away with an opera-dancer, andwas fooling his life and his means away in light and trivialamusements.Onreflection,however,werememberedthatharlequinsareoccasionallyguiltyofwitty,andevencleveracts,andweareratherdisposedtoacquitouryoungmenoffamilyandindependentproperty,generallyspeaking,ofanysuchmisdemeanours. Onamorematureconsiderationofthesubject,wehavearrivedattheconclusionthattheharlequinsoflifearejustordinarymen,tobefoundinnoparticularwalk

or degree, on whom a certain station, or particular conjunction ofcircumstances, confers themagicwand. And thisbringsus toa fewwordsonthepantomimeofpublicandpoliticallife,whichweshallsayat once, and then conclude—merely premising in this place that wedecline any reference whatever to the columbine, being in no wisesatisfiedof thenatureofherconnectionwithherparti-coloured lover,and not feeling by any means clear that we should be justified inintroducingher to thevirtuousandrespectable ladieswhoperuseourlucubrations.We take it that the commencement of a Session of Parliament isneithermore nor less than the drawing up of the curtain for a grandcomicpantomime,andthathisMajesty’smostgraciousspeechontheopening thereofmaybenot inaptly compared to the clown’s openingspeech of ‘Here we are!’ ‘My lords and gentlemen, here we are!’appears, toourmindat least, tobeaverygoodabstractof thepointand meaning of the propitiatory address of the ministry. When weremember how frequently this speech ismade, immediately after thechangetoo,theparallelisquiteperfect,andstillmoresingular.Perhaps the cast of ourpolitical pantomimeneverwas richer thanatthisday. Weareparticularlystronginclowns.Atnoformertime,weshouldsay,havewehadsuchastonishingtumblers,orperformerssoready togo through thewholeof their feats for theamusementofanadmiringthrong.Theirextremereadinesstoexhibit,indeed,hasgivenrise to some ill-natured reflections; it having been objected that byexhibitinggratuitously throughthecountrywhenthetheatre isclosed,theyreducethemselvestothelevelofmountebanks,andtherebytendto degrade the respectability of the profession. Certainly Grimaldineverdidthissortofthing;andthoughBrown,King,andGibsonhavegonetotheSurreyinvacationtime,andMr.C.J.SmithhasruralisedatSadler’sWells,we findno theatricalprecedent forageneral tumblingthrough the country, except in the gentleman, name unknown, whothrewsummersetsonbehalfofthelateMr.Richardson,andwhoisnoauthorityeither,becausehehadneverbeenontheregularboards.But,layingasidethisquestion,whichafterallisamerematteroftaste,wemayreflectwithprideandgratificationofheartontheproficiencyofourclownsasexhibitedintheseason.Nightafternightwilltheytwistand tumble about, till two, three, and four o’clock in the morning;playing thestrangestantics,andgivingeachother the funniest slapson the face that can possibly be imagined, without evincing the

smallest tokens of fatigue. The strange noises, the confusion, theshouting and roaring, amid which all this is done, too, would put toshame themost turbulent sixpennygallery thatever yelled throughaboxing-night.It isespeciallycurioustobeholdoneoftheseclownscompelledtogothrough themost surprisingcontortionsby the irresistible influenceofthewandofoffice,whichhisleaderorharlequinholdsabovehishead.Acted upon by this wonderful charm he will become perfectlymotionless,movingneitherhand,foot,norfinger,andwillevenlosethefaculty of speechat an instant’s notice; or on theother hand, hewillbecome all life and animation if required, pouring forth a torrent ofwordswithoutsenseormeaning,throwinghimselfintothewildestandmostfantasticcontortions,andevengrovellingontheearthandlickingupthedust.Theseexhibitionsaremorecuriousthanpleasing;indeed,they are rather disgusting than otherwise, except to the admirers ofsuchthings,withwhomweconfesswehavenofellow-feeling.Strange tricks—very strange tricks—are also performed by theharlequinwhoholdsforthetimebeingthemagicwandwhichwehavejust mentioned. The mere waving it before a man’s eyes willdispossesshisbrainsofallthenotionspreviouslystoredthere,andfillitwithanentirelynewsetofideas;onegentletaponthebackwillalterthe colour of a man’s coat completely; and there are some expertperformers,who,having thiswandheld firstononesideand thenonthe other, will change from side to side, turning their coats at everyevolution,withsomuchrapidityanddexterity,thatthequickesteyecanscarcelydetecttheirmotions.Occasionally,thegeniuswhoconfersthewand, wrests it from the hand of the temporary possessor, andconsigns it to some new performer; on which occasions all thecharacterschangesides,andthentheraceandthehardknocksbeginanew.Wemight have extended this chapter to amuch greater length—wemight have carried the comparison into the liberal professions—wemighthaveshown,aswasinfactouroriginalpurpose,thateachisinitself a little pantomime with scenes and characters of its own,complete;but,aswefearwehavebeenquitelengthyenoughalready,weshallleavethischapterjustwhereitis.Agentleman,notaltogetherunknownasadramaticpoet,wrotethusayearortwoago-‘Alltheworld’sastage,Andallthemenandwomenmerelyplayers:’

andwe,trackingouthisfootstepsatthescarcely-worth-mentioninglittledistanceofafewmillionsofleaguesbehind,venturetoadd,bywayofnewreading,thathemeantaPantomime,andthatweareallactorsinThePantomimeofLife.

OMEPARTICULARSCONCERNINGALION

Wehaveagreatrespectforlionsintheabstract.Incommonwithmostother people, we have heard and read of many instances of theirbraveryandgenerosity. Wehavedulyadmiredthatheroicself-denialand charming philanthropy which prompts them never to eat peopleexcept when they are hungry, and we have been deeply impressedwith a becoming sense of the politeness they are said to displaytowardsunmarriedladiesofacertainstate.Allnaturalhistoriesteemwith anecdotes illustrative of their excellent qualities; and one oldspelling-book inparticular recountsa touching instanceofanold lion,ofhighmoraldignityandsternprinciple,whofeltithisimperativedutytodevourayoungmanwhohadcontractedahabitofswearing,asastrikingexampletotherisinggeneration.Allthisisextremelypleasanttoreflectupon,and,indeed,saysaverygreat deal in favour of lions as a mass. We are bound to state,however,thatsuchindividuallionsaswehavehappenedtofallinwithhavenotputforthanyverystrikingcharacteristics,andhavenotacteduptothechivalrouscharacterassignedthembytheirchroniclers.Weneversawalioninwhatiscalledhisnaturalstate,certainly;thatistosay,wehavenevermeta lionoutwalking ina forest,orcrouching inhis lair under a tropical sun, waiting till his dinner should happen tocome by, hot from the baker’s. But we have seen some under theinfluenceofcaptivity,andthepressureofmisfortune;andwemustsaythattheyappearedtousveryapathetic,heavy-headedfellows.ThelionattheZoologicalGardens,forinstance.Heisallverywell;hehas an undeniable mane, and looks very fierce; but, Lord bless us!whatofthat?Thelionsofthefashionableworldlookjustasferocious,andarethemostharmlesscreaturesbreathing.Abox-lobbylionoraRegent-street animal will put on a most terrible aspect, and roar,fearfully, if you affront him; but hewill never bite, and, if you offer toattackhimmanfully,willfairlyturntailandsneakoff.Doubtlessthesecreatures roam about sometimes in herds, and, if they meet any

especiallymeek-lookingandpeaceably-disposedfellow,willendeavourto frighten him; but the faintest show of a vigorous resistance issufficienttoscarethemeventhen.Thesearepleasantcharacteristics,whereaswemakeitmatterofdistinctchargeagainsttheZoologicallionand his brethren at the fairs, that they are sleepy, dreamy, sluggishquadrupeds.Wedonotremembertohaveeverseenoneofthemperfectlyawake,except at feeding-time. In every respect we uphold the biped lionsagainst their four-footed namesakes, and we boldly challengecontroversyuponthesubject.With these opinions itmay be easily imagined that our curiosity andinterest were very much excited the other day, when a lady of ouracquaintancecalledonusandresolutelydeclinedtoacceptourrefusalofher invitation toaneveningparty; ‘for,’ said she, ‘I havegota lioncoming.’ We at once retracted our plea of a prior engagement, andbecameasanxioustogo,aswehadpreviouslybeentostayaway.Wewentearly,andpostedourselvesinaneligiblepartofthedrawing-room, from whence we could hope to obtain a full view of theinterestinganimal. Twoor threehourspassed, thequadrillesbegan,theroomfilled;butno lionappeared. The ladyof thehousebecameinconsolable,—for it is oneof thepeculiar privilegesof these lions tomake solemn appointments and never keep them,—when all of asudden there came a tremendous double rap at the street-door, andthemasterof thehouse,afterglidingout (unobservedashe flatteredhimself) to peep over the banisters, came into the room, rubbing hishandstogetherwithgreatglee,andcriedoutinaveryimportantvoice,‘Mydear,Mr.—(namingthelion)hasthismomentarrived.’Upon this, all eyes were turned towards the door, and we observedseveral young ladies, who had been laughing and conversingpreviously with great gaiety and good humour, grow extremely quietandsentimental;whilesomeyounggentlemen,whohadbeencuttinggreat figures in the facetious and small-talkway, suddenly sank veryobviouslyintheestimationofthecompany,andwerelookeduponwithgreatcoldnessand indifference. Even theyoungmanwhohadbeenorderedfromthemusicshoptoplaythepianofortewasvisiblyaffected,andstruckseveralfalsenotesintheexcessofhisexcitement.All this time there was a great talking outside, more than onceaccompaniedbyaloudlaugh,andacryof‘Oh!capital!excellent!’fromwhichweinferredthatthelionwasjocose,andthattheseexclamations

were occasioned by the transports of his keeper and our host. Norwerewedeceived;forwhenthelionatlastappeared,weoverheardhiskeeper,whowasalittleprimman,whispertoseveralgentlemenofhisacquaintance, with uplifted hands, and every expression of half-suppressedadmiration,that—(namingthelionagain)wasinsuchcueto-night!The lionwasa literaryone. Ofcourse, therewereavastnumberofpeoplepresentwhohadadmiredhisroarings,andwereanxioustobeintroducedtohim;andverypleasantitwastoseethembroughtupforthepurpose,andtoobservethepatientdignitywithwhichhereceivedall theirpattingandcaressing.Thisbroughtforciblytoourmindwhatwehadsooftenwitnessedatcountry fairs,where theother lionsarecompelledtogothroughasmanyformsofcourtesyastheychancetobeacquaintedwith,justasoftenasadmiringpartieshappentodropinuponthem.Whilethelionwasexhibitinginthisway,hiskeeperwasnotidle,forhemingledamongthecrowd,andspreadhispraisesmost industriously.Toonegentlemanhewhisperedsomeverychoicethingthatthenobleanimalhadsaid in theveryactofcomingup-stairs,which,ofcourse,rendered the mental effort still more astonishing; to another hemurmuredahastyaccountofagranddinnerthathadtakenplacethedaybefore,where twenty-sevengentlemenhadgot upall at once todemandanextracheerforthelion;andtotheladieshemadesundrypromisesofintercedingtoprocurethemajesticbrute’ssign-manualfortheir albums. Then, therewere little private consultations in differentcorners, relative to the personal appearance and stature of the lion;whetherhewasshorterthantheyhadexpectedtoseehim,ortaller,orthinner,orfatter,oryounger,orolder;whetherhewaslikehisportrait,orunlikeit;andwhethertheparticularshadeofhiseyeswasblack,orblue,orhazel,orgreen,oryellow,ormixture.Atalltheseconsultationsthe keeper assisted; and, in short, the lion was the sole and singlesubject of discussion till they sat him down to whist, and then thepeoplerelapsed into theirold topicsofconversation—themselvesandeachother.Wemustconfess thatwe looked forwardwithnoslight impatience totheannouncementofsupper; for ifyouwishtoseeatamelionunderparticularly favourablecircumstances, feeding-time is theperiodofallothers to pitch upon. We were therefore very much delighted toobserve a sensation among the guests, which we well knew how to

interpret, and immediately afterwards to behold the lionescorting theladyofthehousedown-stairs.Weofferedourarmtoanelderlyfemaleofouracquaintance,who—dearoldsoul!—istheverybestpersonthateverlived,toleaddowntoanymeal;for,betheroomeversosmall,orthepartyeversolarge,sheissure,bysomeintuitiveperceptionoftheeligible,topushandpullherselfandconductorclosetothebestdisheson the table;—wesayweofferedourarm to thiselderly female,and,descending the stairs shortly after the lion,were fortunate enough toobtainaseatnearlyoppositehim.Of course the keeper was there already. He had planted himself atprecisely that distance from his charge which afforded him a decentpretextforraisinghisvoice,whenheaddressedhim,tosoloudakey,as could not fail to attract the attention of the whole company, andimmediatelybegantoapplyhimselfseriouslytothetaskofbringingthelionout,andputtinghimthroughthewholeofhismanoeuvres. Suchflashesofwit as he elicited from the lion! First of all, they began tomakepunsuponasalt-cellar,andthenuponthebreastofafowl,andthen upon the trifle; but the best jokes of all were decidedly on thelobster salad, upon which latter subject the lion came out mostvigorously,and,intheopinionofthemostcompetentauthorities,quiteoutshonehimself. This isaveryexcellentmodeofshininginsociety,and is founded, we humbly conceive, upon the classic model of thedialoguesbetweenMr.Punchandhisfriendtheproprietor,whereinthelatter takesall theup-hillwork,and iscontent topioneer to the jokesandreparteesofMr.P.himself,whoneverfailstogaingreatcreditandexcitemuchlaughterthereby.Whateveritbefoundedon,however,werecommend it toall lions, presentand to come; for in this instance itsucceeded to admiration, and perfectly dazzled the whole body ofhearers.When the salt-cellar, and the fowl’s breast, and the trifle, and thelobster saladwere all exhausted, and could not afford standing-roomforanothersolitarywitticism,thekeeperperformedthatverydangerousfeatwhichisstilldonewithsomeofthecaravanlions,althoughinoneinstanceitterminatedfatally,ofputtinghisheadintheanimal’smouth,andplacinghimselfentirelyatitsmercy.Boswellfrequentlypresentsamelancholyinstanceofthelamentableresultsofthisachievement,andotherkeepersandjackalshavebeenterriblylaceratedfortheirdaring.Itisduetoourliontostate,thathecondescendedtobetrifledwith,inthemostgentlemanner,andfinallywenthomewiththeshowmanina

hackcab:perfectlypeaceable,butslightlyfuddled.Beinginacontemplativemood,wewereledtomakesomereflectionsupon the character and conduct of this genus of lions aswewalkedhomewards,andwewerenotlonginarrivingattheconclusionthatourformer impression in their favour was very much strengthened andconfirmedbywhatwehadrecentlyseen.Whiletheotherlionsreceivecompany and compliments in a sullen, moody, not to say snarlingmanner, these appear flattered by the attentions that are paid them;while thoseconceal themselves to theutmostof theirpower fromthevulgar gaze, these court the popular eye, and, unlike their brethren,whomnothingshortofcompulsionwillmovetoexertion,areeverreadytodisplaytheiracquirementstothewonderingthrong.Wehaveknownbears of undoubted ability who, when the expectations of a largeaudiencehavebeenwoundup to theutmostpitch,haveperemptorilyrefused to dance; well-taught monkeys, who have unaccountablyobjected to exhibit on the slackwire; and elephants of unquestionedgenius,who have suddenly declined to turn the barrel-organ; butweneveroncekneworheardofabiped lion, literaryorotherwise,—andwestateitasafactwhichishighlycreditabletothewholespecies,—who, occasion offering, did not seize with avidity on any opportunitywhichwasaffordedhim,ofperformingtohisheart’scontentonthefirstviolin.

MR.ROBERTBOLTON:THE‘GENTLEMANCONNECTEDWITHTHEPRESS’

In the parlour of theGreenDragon, a public-house in the immediateneighbourhoodofWestminsterBridge, everybody talks politics, everyevening, the great political authority being Mr. Robert Bolton, anindividual who defines himself as ‘a gentleman connected with thepress,’ which is a definition of peculiar indefiniteness. Mr. RobertBolton’s regular circle of admirers and listeners are an undertaker, agreengrocer,ahairdresser,abaker,alargestomachsurmountedbyaman’shead,andplacedonthetopoftwoparticularlyshortlegs,andathinmaninblack,name,profession,andpursuitunknown,whoalwayssitsinthesameposition,alwaysdisplaysthesamelong,vacantface,and never opens his lips, surrounded as he is by most enthusiasticconversation,except topuff forthavolumeof tobaccosmoke,orgivevent to a very snappy, loud, and shrill hem! The conversation

sometimes turnsupon literature,Mr.Boltonbeinga literarycharacter,andalwaysuponsuchnewsofthedayasisexclusivelypossessedbythat talented individual. I foundmyself(ofcourse,accidentally) in theGreenDragontheotherevening,and,beingsomewhatamusedbythefollowingconversation,preservedit.‘Can you lend me a ten-pound note till Christmas?’ inquired thehairdresserofthestomach.‘Where’syoursecurity,Mr.Clip?’‘Mystockintrade,—there’senoughofit,I’mthinking,Mr.Thicknesse.Some fifty wigs, two poles, half-a-dozen head blocks, and a deadBruin.’‘No, I won’t, then,’ growled out Thicknesse. ‘I lends nothing on thesecurityofthewhigsorthePoleseither.Asforwhigs,they’recheats;asforthePoles,they’vegotnocash.Ineverhavenothingtodowithblockheads,unlessIcan’tawoidit(ironically),andadeadbear’saboutasmuchusetomeasIcouldbetoadeadbear.’‘Well, then,’ urged the other, ‘there’s a book as belonged to Pope,Byron’s Poems, valued at forty pounds, because it’s got Pope’sidenticalscratchontheback;whatdoyouthinkofthatforsecurity?’‘Well,tobesure!’criedthebaker.‘Buthowd’yemean,Mr.Clip?’‘Mean!why,thatit’sgotthehottergruffofPope.

“Stealnotthisbook,forfearofhangman’srope;ForitbelongstoAlexanderPope.”

Allthat’swrittenontheinsideofthebindingofthebook;so,asmysonsays,we’reboundtobelieveit.’‘Well,sir,’observedtheundertaker,deferentially,andinahalf-whisper,leaningoverthetable,andknockingoverthehairdresser’sgrogashespoke,‘thatargument’sveryeasyupset.’‘Perhaps, sir,’ said Clip, a little flurried, ‘you’ll pay for the first upsetaforeyouthinksofanother.’‘Now,’saidtheundertaker,bowingamicablytothehairdresser,‘Ithink,IsaysIthink—you’llexcuseme,Mr.Clip,Ithink,yousee,thatwon’tgodown with the present company—unfortunately, my master had thehonourofmakingthecoffinofthatereLord’shousemaid,notnomorenor twenty year ago. Don’t think I’m proud on it, gentlemen; othersmightbe;butIhaterankofanysort.I’venomorerespectforaLord’sfootmanthanIhaveforanyrespectabletradesmaninthisroom.ImaysaynomorenorIhaveforMr.Clip!(bowing).Therefore,thatereLord

must have been born long after Pope died. And it’s a logicalinterferencetodefer,thattheyneitherofthemlivedatthesametime.SowhatImeanisthishere,thatPopeneverhadnobook,neverseed,felt,neversmeltnobook(triumphantly)asbelongedtothatereLord.And, gentlemen, when I consider how patiently you have ’eared theideaswhatIhaveexpressed,I feelbound,asthebestwaytorewardyou for the kindness you have exhibited, to sit down without sayinganythingmore—particklerasIperceiveaworthiervisitornormyself isjustentered.Iamnot inthehabitofpayingcompliments,gentlemen;whenIdo,therefore,IhopeIstrikeswithdoubleforce.’‘Ah,Mr.Murgatroyd!what’s all this about strikingwith double force?’saidtheobjectoftheaboveremark,asheentered.‘Ineverexcuseaman’sgettingintoarageduringwinter,evenwhenhe’sseatedsoclosetothefireasyouare.It isveryinjudicioustoputyourself intosuchaperspiration. What is the cause of this extreme physical andmentalexcitement,sir?’Such was the very philosophical address of Mr. Robert Bolton, ashorthand-writer, as he termed himself—a bit of equivoque passingcurrentamonghisfraternity,whichmustgivetheuninitiatedavastideaof the establishment of the ministerial organ, while to the initiated itsignifies that no one paper can lay claim to the enjoyment of theirservices. Mr. Boltonwas a youngman,with a somewhat sickly andvery dissipated expression of countenance. His habiliments werecomposedofanexquisiteunionofgentility,slovenliness,assumption,simplicity, newness, and old age. Half of him was dressed for thewinter, theotherhalf for thesummer. Hishatwasof thenewestcut,theD’Orsay;histrousershadbeenwhite,butthe inroadsofmudandink, etc., had given thema pie-bald appearance; round his throat hewore a very high black cravat, of themost tyrannical stiffness; whilehis tout ensemblewas hidden beneath the enormous folds of an oldbrownpoodle-collaredgreat-coat,whichwascloselybuttoneduptotheaforesaidcravat.Hisfingerspeepedthroughtheendsofhisblackkidgloves,andtwoofthetoesofeachfoottookasimilarviewofsocietythroughtheextremitiesofhishigh-lows.Sacredtothebarewallsofhisgarret be themysteries of his interior dress! Hewas a short, spareman, of a somewhat inferior deportment. Everybody seemedinfluenced by his entry into the room, and his salutation of eachmemberpartookofthepatronizing.Thehairdressermadewayforhimbetweenhimselfandthestomach.Aminuteafterwardshehadtaken

possession of his pint and pipe. A pause in the conversation tookplace.Everybodywaswaiting,anxiousforhisfirstobservation.‘HorridmurderinWestminsterthismorning,’observedMr.Bolton.Everybodychangedtheirpositions.Alleyeswerefixeduponthemanofparagraphs.‘Abakermurderedhissonbyboilinghiminacopper,’saidMr.Bolton.‘Goodheavens!’exclaimedeverybody,insimultaneoushorror.‘Boiled him, gentlemen!’ added Mr. Bolton, with the most effectiveemphasis;‘boiledhim!’‘Andtheparticulars,Mr.B.,’inquiredthehairdresser,‘theparticulars?’Mr.Bolton tookavery longdraughtofporter,andsome twoor threedozen whiffs of tobacco, doubtless to instil into the commercialcapacities of the company the superiority of a gentlemen connectedwiththepress,andthensaid-‘Themanwas a baker, gentlemen.’ (Every one looked at the bakerpresent, who stared at Bolton.) ‘His victim, being his son, also wasnecessarily the son of a baker. The wretchedmurderer had a wife,whomhewas frequently in thehabit,while inan intoxicatedstate,ofkicking, pummelling, flingingmugs at, knocking down, and half-killingwhileinbed,byinsertinginhermouthaconsiderableportionofasheetorblanket.’The speaker took another draught, everybody looked at everybodyelse,andexclaimed,‘Horrid!’‘Itappearsinevidence,gentlemen,’continuedMr.Bolton,‘that,ontheeveningofyesterday,Sawyerthebakercamehomeinareprehensiblestate of beer. Mrs. S., connubially considerate, carried him in thatconditionup-stairsintohischamber,andconsignedhimtotheirmutualcouch.Inaminuteortwoshelaysleepingbesidethemanwhomthemorrow’s dawn beheld a murderer!’ (Entire silence informed thereporterthathispicturehadattainedtheawfuleffecthedesired.)‘Thesoncamehomeaboutanhourafterwards,openedthedoor,andwentup to bed. Scarcely (gentlemen, conceive his feelings of alarm),scarcely had he taken off his indescribables, when shrieks (to hisexperienced earmaternal shrieks) scared the silence of surroundingnight. He put his indescribables on again, and ran down-stairs. Heopenedthedooroftheparentalbed-chamber.Hisfatherwasdancinguponhismother.Whatmusthavebeenhisfeelings!Intheagonyoftheminuteherushedathismaleparentashewasabouttoplungeaknife into the side of his female. The mother shrieked. The father

caughttheson(whohadwrestedtheknifefromthepaternalgrasp)upin his arms, carried him down-stairs, shoved him into a copper ofboilingwateramongsome linen,closed the lid,and jumpedupon thetopof it, inwhichpositionhewasfoundwithaferociouscountenanceby themother,whoarrived in themelancholywash-house just as hehadsosettledhimself.‘“Where’smyboy?”shriekedthemother.‘“Inthatcopper,boiling,”coollyrepliedthebenignfather.‘Struck by the awful intelligence, themother rushed from the house,and alarmed the neighbourhood. The police entered a minuteafterwards.Thefather,havingboltedthewash-housedoor,hadboltedhimself. Theydragged the lifelessbodyof theboiledbaker from thecauldron,and,withapromptitudecommendableinmenoftheirstation,they immediately carried it to the station-house. Subsequently, thebaker was apprehended while seated on the top of a lamp-post inParliamentStreet,lightinghispipe.’ThewholehorribleidealityoftheMysteriesofUdolpho,condensedintothe pithy effect of a ten-line paragraph, could not possibly have soaffectedthenarrator’sauditory.Silence,thepurestandmostnobleofall kinds of applause, bore ample testimony to the barbarity of thebaker,aswellastoBolton’sknackofnarration;anditwasonlybrokenafter some minutes had elapsed by interjectional expressions of theintenseindignationofeverymanpresent.ThebakerwonderedhowaBritish baker could so disgrace himself and the highly honourablecalling towhich he belonged; and the others indulged in a variety ofwonderments connectedwith the subject; amongwhich not the leastwonderment was that which was awakened by the genius andinformation of Mr. Robert Bolton, who, after a glowing eulogium onhimself, and his unspeakable influence with the daily press, wasproceeding, with a most solemn countenance, to hear the pros andconsofthePopeautographquestion,whenItookupmyhat,andleft.

FAMILIAREPISTLEFROMAPARENTTOACHILDAGEDTWOYEARSANDTWOMONTHS

MYCHILD,To recount with what trouble I have brought you up—with what ananxiouseyeIhaveregardedyourprogress,—howlateandhowoftenIhavesatupatnightworkingforyou,—andhowmanythousandlettersI

have received from,andwritten toyourvarious relationsand friends,manyofwhomhavebeenofaquerulousandirritableturn,—todwellontheanxietyandtendernesswithwhichIhave(asfarasIpossessedthepower) inspectedandchosenyourfood;rejectingthe indigestibleandheavymatterwhichsomeinjudiciousbutwell-meaningoldladieswouldhave had you swallow, and retaining only those light and pleasantarticles which I deemed calculated to keep you free from all grosshumours,andtorenderyouanagreeablechild,andonewhomightbepopularwithsocietyingeneral,—todilateonthesteadinesswithwhichI have prevented your annoying any company by talking politics—alwaysassuringyouthatyouwouldthankmeforityourselfsomedaywhenyougrewolder,—toexpatiate,inshort,uponmyownassiduityasa parent, is beside my present purpose, though I cannot butcontemplateyourfairappearance—yourrobusthealth,andunimpededcirculation (which I take to be the great secret of your good looks)withouttheliveliestsatisfactionanddelight.It is a triteobservation, andonewhich, youngas youare, I havenodoubtyouhaveoftenheardrepeated,thatwehavefallenuponstrangetimes, and live in days of constant shiftings and changes. I had amelancholyinstanceofthisonlyaweekortwosince.IwasreturningfromManchestertoLondonbytheMailTrain,whenIsuddenlyfellintoanothertrain—amixedtrain—ofreflection,occasionedbythedejectedand disconsolate demeanour of the Post-Office Guard. We werestopping at some station where they take in water, when hedismounted slowly from the little box in which he sits in ghastlymockery of his old conditionwith pistol and blunderbuss beside him,readytoshootthefirsthighwayman(orrailwayman)whoshallattempttostopthehorses,whichnowtravel(whentheytravelatall)insideandin a portable stable invented for thepurpose,—hedismounted, I say,slowlyandsadly,fromhispost,andlookingmournfullyabouthimasifindismalrecollectionoftheoldroadsidepublic-housetheblazingfire—theglassoffoamingale—thebuxomhandmaidandadmiringhangers-onof tap-roomand stable, all honouredbyhis notice; and, retiringalittle apart, stood leaning against a signal-post, surveying the enginewith a look of combined affliction and disgust which no words candescribe.Hisscarletcoatandgoldenlaceweretarnishedwithignoblesmoke;flakesofsoothadfallenonhisbrightgreenshawl—hisprideindaysofyore—thesteamcondensed in the tunnel fromwhichwehadjustemerged,shoneuponhishatlikerain.Hiseyebetokenedthathe

wasthinkingofthecoachman;andasitwanderedtohisownseatandhisownfast-fadinggarb, itwasplain toseethathefelthisofficeandhimselfhadalikenobusinessthere,andwerenothingbutanelaboratepracticaljoke.Aswewhirledaway, Iwas led insensibly intoananticipationof thosedays to come,whenmail-coach guards shall no longer be judges ofhorse-flesh—whenamail-coachguardshall neverevenhaveseenahorse—when stations shall have superseded stables, and corn shallhave given place to coke. ‘In those dawning times,’ thought I,‘exhibition-rooms shall teem with portraits of Her Majesty’s favouriteengine,withboilersafterNaturebyfutureLandseers.SomeAmburgh,yet unborn, shall break wild horses by his magic power; and in thedressofamail-coachguardexhibithisTRAINEDANIMALSinamockmail-coach.Then,shallwonderingcrowdsobservehowthat,withtheexception of hiswhip, it is all his eye; and crowned heads shall seethem fed on oats, and stand alone unmoved and undismayed, whilecountersfleeaffrightedwhenthecoursersneigh!’Such,mychild,were the reflections fromwhich Iwasonlyawakenedthen,asIamnow,bythenecessityofattendingtomattersofpresentthoughminorimportance.Ioffernoapologytoyouforthedigression,for it bringsme very naturally to the subject of change, which is theverysubjectofwhichIdesiretotreat.Infact,mychild,youhavechangedhands.HenceforthIresignyoutotheguardianshipandprotectionofoneofmymostintimateandvaluedfriends,Mr.Ainsworth,withwhom,andwithyou,mybestwishesandwarmest feelingswillever remain. I reapnogainorprofitbypartingfromyou,norwillanyconveyanceofyourpropertyberequired,for,inthisrespect,youhavealwaysbeenliterally ‘Bentley’s’Miscellany,andnevermine.UnlikethedriveroftheoldManchestermail,Iregardthisalteredstateofthingswithfeelingsofunmingledpleasureandsatisfaction.UnliketheguardofthenewManchestermail,yourguardisathomeinhis new place, and has roystering highwaymen and gallantdesperadoeseverwithincall.AndifImightcompareyou,mychild,toanengine;(notaToryengine,noraWhigengine,butabriskandrapidlocomotive;)yourfriendsandpatronstopassengers;andhewhonowstands towards you in loco parentis as the skilful engineer andsupervisor of thewhole, Iwould humbly crave leave to postpone thedeparture of the train on its newandauspicious course for onebrief

instant,while,withhatinhand,Iapproachsidebysidewiththefriendwho travelledwithmeon theold road, andpresume to solicit favourandkindnessinbehalfofhimandhisnewcharge,bothfortheirsakesandthatoftheoldcoachman,Boz.

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