Pro-football strongmen

muscle up to the summer’s

newest water toysB y R o b e r t S t e p h e n s

P h o t o s b y D o u g D u K a n e

Are You Ready for Some Tubing?

From the look on Chris Samuels’ widescreen face and from the strange sounds

coming from the subwoofer in his chest, he isn’t quite sure what he’s getting into — or, in the case of the Connelly Interceptor, he doesn’t know what he’s get-ting onto. He has carefully lowered his dense 6-foot-5-inch, 317-pound body atop the big rubber toy, and already there are signs he’s overmatched.

See the funniest moments of our tests at boatinglife.com/tubes08.

Samuels (far right) and Redskins’ teammate Mike Sellers were nearly “de-cleated” from the HO Triple Shot with their co-rider.

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He has not eaten well this morn-ing — a bagel and a couple of sips of Gatorade. He did not sleep well last night — a train passed his room at 3 a.m., followed by a wake-up call two hours later. Now he looks confused. His normally rhythmic laughter is hitched. For the five-time Pro Bowl offensive tackle of the Washington Redskins, this was supposed to be an off-day. It is only when Samuels reaches for the Intercep-tor’s handles and nearly swipes his girlfriend, Monique (Hazel) Cox, off the tube in the process, that Samuels real-

izes he better be on today.As one of the most-dominating

offensive linemen in all of football, the 30-year-old Samuels gets paid good money to push other huge men around. During his playing days at the Uni-versity of Alabama, he went two years without allowing a defender to lay a finger on his quarterback — unheard of. So you can only imagine how he must feel to be strewn across the water, facedown no less, on a glorified air mat-tress. His self-preservation instinct is taking over. Next to him, or behind him,

or underneath him, somewhere, his petite girlfriend is trying to find just a sliver of space on the Interceptor’s back so she can attempt to save herself.

“That’s unsportsmanlike conduct, dude,” someone says quietly from inside the Centurion. Were Samuels to grab an opposing lineman the way he’s clutching the Interceptor, he’d also be penalized for holding. Maybe worse.

And this is just the beginning.“I’m not sure that tube’s big enough

for a 330-pound man,” he says, taking a blow on the swim platform after what

will prove to be a warm-up ride. “Wait,” says a boat passenger. “Your

bio says you weigh 317.”“That’s my playing weight. I need to

work some to get it back down.”Unbeknownst to him, he’s come to

the right place. The Sevylor Triple X stands across from him. The tube looks more like an extra-small next to Samu-els, who is wearing an XXXXL life vest around his torso. “Let’s do it,” he says, letting out a confident baritone chuckle.

Then he pins the Triple X to the water with arms the size of the Dakotas

and rides. Never underestimate the impact of

speed. Last season, Dallas Cowboys defensive lineman DeMarcus Ware, 70 pounds lighter than Samuels, used his quickness and leverage on one play to actually knock the House of Samuels onto his French doors. “He’s so fast,” the big man says humbly of Ware. “It was embarrassing to have to pick my-self up in front of everyone.”

That’s because it doesn’t happen often. But a similar thought must be coming to mind after he muscles the

Triple X through whips and fancy moves across the wakes. The long series of fast-forward plays ends with him laid out flat on the tube, his right ear resting on the canvas and his Rushmore shoul-ders overlapping the edges. Exhausted, he has to … pick himself up in front of everyone.

“This is more than I thought it would be,” says Samuels, coughing. “I swallowed some water, too.”

“I wanna ride, so don’t drink the whole lake,” says a visitor in the boat.

Samuels leads the chorus of laughter.

AIRHeAd MegA SlICeTHe BReAkdOwn: When a man with legs the size of dueling pianos says he has plenty of surface area to move around in whips, you know it’s a big toy. Extra air toward the front edge makes it a smooth ride in rough stuff. Big as the Slice is, it’s also easy to fill with air. BeST MATCH-uP: One rider wants pleasant, one wants fastInSIde STRATegY: Keep weight back during start-ups to prevent nose divesTHe TICkeT: $219, boatersworld.com

COnnellY InTeRCePTORTHe BReAkdOwn: Muscle up. Our big guinea pig had to use all his upper-body strength to stay aboard with his lithe little bunny because of the G-forces generated in turns. He also dominated 95 percent of the riding area in doing so. BeST MATCH-uP: Two equal-size riders wanting a workoutInSIde STRATegY: Lean to the center in whipsTHe TICkeT: $199, connellyskis.com

RAdAR AFTeRBuRneRTHe BReAkdOwn: The bottom surface of the Afterburner is bulbed, so it moves on a smaller surface area than you’d think. It’s also slightly hollow on top, and large — a combina-tion that kept a tiring Mr. Samuels from collapsing late in the fourth quarter. BeST MATCH-uP: Passengers seeking a fast, but sportsmanlike, rideInSIde STRATegY: Fill the center tight for best speedTHe TICkeT: $326, radarskis.com

SevYlOR TRIPle XTHe BReAkdOwn: Triple X, meet Quadruple X. The manly offensive lineman dwarfed the tube when they stood nose to chest, but then Sevylor’s most athletic tube sprinted and hurdled with 330 pounds on its back, and with minimal scheming at the wheel.BeST MATCH-uP: Rider vs. driver, settling a scoreInSIde STRATegY: Drive simple S-turns at 15 mphTHe TICkeT: $173, sevylor.com

STeARnS X-3THe BReAkdOwn: What do you do with a scud-shaped inflatable with a slick bottom and narrow surface area? You turn it over to an eager 11-year-old. Turns out, the convex design on top helped our rider move his legs and hips like a shifty running back in hard maneuvers. BeST MATCH-uP: One midsize rider — the tube needs some weight to get movingInSIde STRATegY: Use bumps in the water to heighten the actionTHe TICkeT: $208, stearnsinc.net

ManhandlersYou can clutch ’em all you want, but that doesn’t

mean you’re in control.

watch nFl stars Chris Samuels and Mike Sellers get launched at boatinglife.com/tubes08.

The Mega Slice was more fitting for the mega lineman and his girlfriend, Monique Cox.

51July/August 2008 boatinglife.com

But his upper body is admittedly sore, a sum of flesh that happens to cover a lot of real estate. He could quit on us. Who would stop him? Six of us could wrap our arms around his ankles and still not prevent his size-15 feet from walking up the dock to the bench. But this is what has made Samuels stand out in a sport of gargantuan men with outland-ish strength and Olympic speed: power above the neck.

Notice that he’s riding with a dis-located ring finger on his right hand, compliments of (here’s that name again)

DeMarcus Ware. He also has tape around his right index finger, which got caught and wrenched on a Redskins lineman during practice. The fingers, remember, are the first line of defense when riding a tube.

“On the field, you’re evenly matched with guys across the line,” says Samu-els, who will play his ninth NFL season this fall. “As the game goes on, you get banged up and tired, but you can’t get sloppy. It all comes down to mental toughness. I can push through when I’m hurt or exhausted because I’ve been

through the worst.”He points to a particular moment

during his freshman year at Alabama as a turning point in his career. (It seems to be on his mind right now.) The team’s strength and conditioning coach ran Samuels until he lost his biscuits and gravy on the floor of the indoor practice facility. Then the coach made Samuels get a dustpan and broom to clean up his own mess. One hands-and-knees expe-rience like that tends to change a man.

This is why, with fingers burning and shoulders aching, he willingly

crawls on top of the Radar Hovercraft. This will be another hands-and-knees encounter. Square as it is, the Hover-craft becomes surprisingly aggressive outside the wake, nearly flipping. A “normal” 330-pound person would have given up on the play immediately, but Samuels is toughing it out, hanging off the edge and looking very much like a cowboy trying to wrestle a steer. The man’s agility in this situation is (no ex-aggeration) astonishing. The Hovercraft is righted under the arm-twisting influ-ence from its rider. The same scenario

plays out across the opposite wake, the ’craft trying to shake the anchor of the Redskins’ offensive line, but he’s holding firm. This wherewithal from an opponent is nothing new for Samuels.

“Guys get pumped up to play against me, to make a name for them-selves,” he says at the boat. “Nobody gives up.”

On the rare occasion when a de-fender does get past Mount Samuels, he sometimes has blocking help in the way of fullback Mike Sellers, a Pro Bowl-caliber player himself. This is why

Sellers, a chiseled 280 pounds, has ar-rived on site to aide his teammate. He is here to absorb some of the punishment — physically and, when this article comes out, verbally from his Redskins’ teammates.

Sellers is the ideal fullback in football. That also makes him the ideal tube tester. On the field, his body is treated like the bumper on a crash-test car. During kickoffs he’s known as a wedge-buster, the guy who leads the charge downfield and uses his head and shoulders to sledge through a wall of

Skill Players You cannot anticipate the moves these models could pull off.

COnnellY TRIFeCTATHe BReAkdOwn: Redskins fullback Mike Sellers entered our game on this three-leaf clover and was promptly eliminated from the action. The three riders sit against the backrest, unable to see each other until the backseater bounces out every time (even a 280-pound bulldozer).BeST MATCH-uP: Two tough guys and a girlInSIde STRATegY: Sit low to keep your heads from bumping THe TICkeT: $369, connellyskis.com

glAdIATOR THundeRTHe BReAkdOwn: This shallow taco-style ride can be rocked in turns, so you can tactfully slide up and down wakes. As Sellers and Jane Everets found out, with two people (one having arms as meaty as Thanksgiving turkeys) the Thunder was more difficult to predict than a tropical storm.BeST MATCH-uP: A couple in counseling, practicing teamworkInSIde STRATegY: Push down on the side that rises off the waterTHe TICkeT: $229, overtons.com

HO IOnTHe BReAkdOwn: HO came out with the first “sphere” design three years ago, and they’ve per-fected it with the Ion. The corner balls absorbed the wakes, and the middle riding pad flexed under the weight while Samuels and Monique Cox changed riding positions at least seven times on the fly.BeST MATCH-uP: Two adults, one kid … just pile onInSIde STRATegY: Rest your back on the spheres for a different sensationTHe TICkeT: $530, hosports.com

RAdAR HOveRCRAFTTHe BReAkdOwn: Our scouting report was on target when we found it challenging to get outside the wakes. But once it turned the corner, the Hovercraft skated on one of its three bottom keels. A slap on Samuels’ shoulder pads (no wait, those are just shoulders) for riding it out.BeST MATCH-uP: The more weight, the betterInSIde STRATegY: Use the sponsons on top to brace your legsTHe TICkeT: $304, radarskis.com

SeA-dOO BReeze BY wHAM-OTHe BReAkdOwn: We would have maxed out the capacity of the Breeze with one of the players’ arms, so we let a lithe pro wakeboarder give it a rip. It crossed the wakes with the quickness of a tailback, but the square edges slowed it down in the flats.BeST MATCH-uP: One or two small riders up to a mild physical challengeInSIde STRATegY: Ride with weight back for maximum actionTHe TICkeT: $129, wham-o.com

See the big man’s favorite tubes at boatinglife.com/tubes08.

Strength and agility were taken to task when Samuels butted heads with the Radar Hovercraft.

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blockers. “I got knocked out against the

[Minnesota] Vikings last season,” says Sellers, 32. “I literally woke up on the field.”

He’s now wide awake on the Con-nelly Trifecta, though it’s hard to be sure while watching from the boat,

because Sellers is facing backward on the clover-shaped ride, with only the back of his shaved head visible. This seems appropriate for an unsung player who gets noticed only when he’s staggering to the sidelines. We can’t tell if he’s swearing, laughing or falling asleep — only that he appears as a

bobblehead with each ripple under the Trifecta. And then a succession of wakes strikes … and Sellers gets blown out the back. Head, shoulders, glutes — the entire wrecking ball crashes into the water. And what does he get? Honks. Chuckles. Razzing. Samuels: “Just like the Minnesota game!” This is how it

neutralizersYou’ll sit back to relax, but don’t get too comfortable

AquAglIde SuPeRCROSS 2THe BReAkdOwn: Co-rider Derek Seaman was tempted to use Samuels’ big toe as a handle when the ominous lineman sat down next to him. When maxed out for inflation, the Supercross rode high, with no surface ten-sion on the edges. There was some tension in the test team, however, making it seem like training camp. BeST MATCH-uP: A couple — a real coupleInSIde STRATegY: Small wakes give it the best actionTHe TICkeT: $209, aquaglide.net

COleMAn HYdROFuSIOnTHe BReAkdOwn: Given the choice of riding with the seat inserts in place (creating a wide deck tube) or stuffing rear ends into open cockpits, we took the latter. You can’t fight the action when seated, as the outside riders proved when they came unstuffed. Samuels smartly rode in the middle of the line.BeST MATCH-uP: Two amped riders outside and one leisure cruiser insideInSIde STRATegY: Do not get cocky and loosen your gripTHe TICkeT: $329, coleman.com

HO TRIPle SHOTTHe BReAkdOwn: After 12 hours of abuse, our two Pro Bowl players sat back in the Triple Shot’s first class seats. Just as they were about to order drinks (it has cupholders!), the Triple Shot took flight. That’s 610 pounds of meat, plus a 90-pound water boy, sliding outside the wakes and lifting off.BeST MATCH-uP: Bring on the biggest dudes at the dockInSIde STRATegY: If you don’t like water in the face, don’t rideTHe TICkeT: $375, hosports.com

goes for a fullback.“Time to relax, guys,” says a mem-

ber of the photo crew. That means it’s time for the HO

Triple Shot. The Triple Shot looks as if it’s been stolen from the first-class cabin of an airplane — a row of large, cushy lounge seats for three passen-gers, or for Samuels and his two arms. But instead he sits in the aisle seat, with Sellers at the window and an 11-year-old rider in the middle. You can practically hear the ’Skins players say-ing “Ahhh” as they kick back, much as they would on a flight home after a tough game.

Not for long, though. The ride turns bumpy. Then it gets downright hairy. The Triple Shot goes airborne … and shakes the 700 pounds of cargo upon landing. “Nothing comes easy,” Samuels said earlier about his Sunday gridiron battles. On his face is grit, determination … ah, heck, it’s fear. His eyes are the size of manhole covers. The tough guy is screaming. The tube and its passengers touch down one more time, skidding to a stop.

“You’re a cream puff,” the boy in the middle says to Samuels. No, he’s not. To prove it, Samuels, still sitting, lifts the kid from the middle seat and throws him out the back as if toss-ing aside an empty Gatorade cup. He appears to be on his game. Or at least he’s very much into the tube.

“You might need a giant shoehorn to get my butt out of here,” he says. His piano-key smile and booming laughter say that while he might be on his game today, maybe the game is really on him. ■

The Meaning of “Big”This wasn’t the first time Washington Redskins’ left tackle Chris Samuels had his hands full with big circular objects. During his personal offseason training, he hefts and flips a 500-pound tractor tire end over end. He also sprints down a field while pushing a wheelbarrow filled with cement bags. Samuels prefers these unconventional workouts, which is why he didn’t mind pulling the reins on runaway tubes.

“Old-school stuff works better for me,” says the man described by teammate Mike Sellers as the locker-room cutup. “It’s more realistic than a weight room to what happens on the field.”

Truth is, he’d rather do his heaviest lifting through the Chris Samuels Foundation that came to fruition in 2007. “He meets kids all the time who are looking up to the wrong people,” says his girlfriend, model Monique (Hazel) Cox. “When he retires, he wants to run the foundation and coach high-school football. If he can lead one young person to aspire to something bigger, then he’ll feel like he’s done his job.”

When his larger-than-life silhouette moved away from the stack of 16 water toys at the end of our tests, he appeared to be on his way to accomplishing much bigger feats. — R.S.

Samuels and derek Seaman gritted it out on the Aquaglide, even with bandaged digits.

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Check out our video reviews at boatinglife.com/ tubes08.

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COnnellY Full TIlTTHe BReAkdOwn: Our kids wanted to try a different position after 10 minutes of riding back-to-back. So we hooked up the second tow point on the outside edge, which allowed them to ride sideways. The change kept them in the game.BeST MATCH-uP: One slightly older kid and a young ’unInSIde STRATegY: Take some air out to slow it downTHe TICkeT: $239, connellyskis.com

RAve HYdROTHe BReAkdOwn: This is one of the deepest-riding tubes we’ve tested. Even our daintiest rider was all teeth when the speed picked up. The thick lip up front deflects most of the spray, while the water pipe under the rear spoiler sucks it back up and shoots water skyward.BeST MATCH-uP: Little ones tubing without parents for the first timeInSIde STRATegY: Fill it tight, so water doesn’t slap the hineyTHe TICkeT: $139, ravesports.com

SevYlOR wAke SlIdeRTHe BReAkdOwn: A 140-pound adult was athletic enough to make this bullet do whatever he wanted (including tumbleturns). But the Wake Slider’s slender build would be ideal for an even smaller rider.BeST MATCH-uP: An experienced kid who might need humblingInSIde STRATegY: Tighten up the waist on your shortsTHe TICkeT: $99, sevylor.com

Laying the foundation for future tubing stars

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