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The other day Iwas sitting in aBar having abeer. Imust have looked like shit because acompletestranger asked me if Iwas "alright". Imust have been wearing my feelings on my face and that feelingwas mud.

Ilooked up at the stranger and said "Why is there always some douche bag out there in this bigworldtrying to fuck with ya"? The stranger got an understanding grin and shook his head as he turned his faceto the floor. Iturned back to my beer not really caring if Iever received a reply.Still staring at the floor the stranger slowly lifted his arm like an elephant's trunk and slapped it on myback and said "Doesn't it just make ya wanna beat your head against awall"? Then turned and made hisway outthedoor into thesunlight, leaving his scent ofwet wool and stale alcohol breath behind.Itook aswig of my beer as my face started to tick and mumbled to myself "No, that's exactly what Idon't want to do! Imuch rather beat that douche bags head against the wall. Why risk chipping myteeth? Why bruise my face?Aswollen eye?Hell no.Imyself think all ofthat bludgeoning would look more appealing on that douche oftheweek. Plus Ithinkwe should make up a random name for ass bites, like furmacurd, in my opinion calling people assholesand douche bags kinda gives anuses and feminine hygiene a bad rap. Further more

Hold uphold up....jeez I'm sorry. Ididn't mean to go and burn you guys out with my rants. Hellit's Christmas time for Christ sakes.Ihope ya all have anice cozy Holiday and asuper safe New Years and Iwish good thoughts toall anusesand feminine hygiene products around theWorld. Peace on Earth and may all the Furmacurds rot inhell.

Just Some Dude, Old Saint Nielzine

Speaking ofHell. Hells Bell's that is. ADD/C is playing ashowat Billco's Billiards in Napa on December 23rd. ThisALL AGES show starts at 9:00pm and admission is FREE!So all you Night prowlers grab your Rosie round the waistand head on down and catch that show.For a preview check out WWW.addcband.com

COYER ART:M1IL MBERA

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DUMPSTERB Y A LE X LEIBERT

I decided to stay home on New Year's Eve. Ididn't get invited to any house parties and thebars downtown are always too crowded. The last time Iwent to abar on New Year's Eve Igot punched in the face for something someone else said. Also, the rain was pounding downand it just felt like agood night to stay home and drink and listen to records. My friendChris called and tried to convince me to go to some dive bar with him. The bar is close tomyhouse and I considered it for awhile butdeclined. Chris said he'd call me from the barlater and try to convince me to join him. Chris is of the opinion that it is unfathomable tostay home alone on New Year's Eve. He says it's the easiest night ofthe year to get laid. Bethat as it may, I stayed home.Iwas having adecent evening before Chris called from the bar at about eleven-thirty. Iwaslistening to some new records I had recently purchased and drinking beer and whiskey. Ifelt a little lonely but nothing Iwasn't used to. Chris sounded really drunk and itwas hardto hear him with all of the bar noise in the background.He said he was talking to acoupleof cute ladies and he needed awingman. He needed me to keep one ofthe ladies occupied sohe could try and hook up with the other one. Ididn't really want to go but Chris has alwaysbeen agood friend to me and I know how much he loves trying to score with women inbars.Fuck it. I put on my rain jacket and ventured outside.It took me about ten minutes to walk to the bar. Iwas soaked when I finally got there. Asusual, the rain intensified the second I leftmy apartment. Thebarwasn'tas crowded as Ithought itwould be. I looked around for Chris and spotted him down at the end ofthe longbar. He was standing withhis back tomeand the two aforementioned women were seatedatthebar with their backs tothebartender. As Iwalked towards them I could see Chriswas swaying backand forth likehe does when he's had too much to drink.Either Chriswas lying to me to get me to come down here or hewas so smashed he couldn't see straightbecause these women were not attractive. It's not like I havewomen beating down my doorto go outwith me, but every man has his limits. Imean these women were really ugly. Ihate to even say that, I'm sure they are beautiful in other ways, butit's the truth. God blessChris. When I reached the three ofthem, Chris put his arm around me and slurred out anintroduction. Idon't remember their names but they looked even uglier up close. Chris andthe skankier ofthe two quickly excused themselves to go have acigarette outside. I turnedto the other woman and she gave me a big smile. I gulped.I really struggled to make conversation with this lady. When the clock struck midnight shelooked atme like she wanted to kiss me but I just stared atthe television behind her. Shewas really drunk. I started to feel sorry for her. She probably never gets any attention frommen. Iwondered if she was as lonely as Iwas. I suddenly realized thatChris had beenoutside for about ahalf an hour. I excused myself and went outside to make sure he wasn'tpuking in the gutter or something. I didn't see him in the smoking section but I heard somenoise coming from the alley behind the bar so, regrettably, Iwent back there to have a

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look.

The woman was bent over with her arms outstretched and her hands against adumpster.She had her skirt up around her quite large midsection and Chris was fucking her frombehind. Man, he was really giving it to her. She was making quite a racket and thedumpsterwheels squeaked as they moved back and forth. Chris saw me and gave me awink. He made amotion that I took to mean I could go next and I quickly turned aroundand went back inside. I should have just gone home. What kind of awoman lets aguy likeChris bend her over a dumpster behind a bar in the pouring rain?The other woman was waiting for me when Igot back inside the bar. Iwas hoping somedesperate guy would bechatting her up upon my return. No such luck."They're having sex out there, aren't they?" she said."Yes.Yes, they are," I replied."That's nasty," she said."Yes. Yes, it is," I answered.Just then, afight broke out. Actually, itwas more ofan assault than a fight. Ayoung,skinny guy accidentally hit a lady in the chest with the back ofhis pool cue while he wastaking ashot. The bar was much too small for pool tables and I've seen this happen before.Thewoman's boyfriend saw what happened and walked over to the skinny guy. Theboyfriend was huge with a shaved head and sleeve tattoos. I knew I should have lookedaway, but itwas impossible. The huge guy dropped the skinny guywith one powerfulpunch just as the skinny guy was eeking out his apology. My stomach turned. The bouncersthrew out the big guy and the skinny guy's friends tended to their fallen buddy. He wasunconscious and there was blood all over his face. I felt sick. I turned to the lady Iwaswith ."It was nice tomeetyou,but I'm going home now.""Can I comewith you?" she asked."No," I said."Please," she said. "I have nowhere to sleep tonight.""I'm sorry," I replied. "I can't."I turned and walked back home in the rain. I drank beer and watched television until threeo'clock in the morning and then I brushed my teeth andwent to bed.

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SEMEN IN THE STOMACH, COCAINE UP THE BUTT(I tried to come upwith a better title, but couldnft.)The truth behind rock n* roll's most notorious urban legends.By Andy Covert"Don't tellme the old, old story,Tell me th e t ruth this t ime"- Billy BraggSo, you've heard them. In locker rooms and dingy bars, in rec rooms and stadium parkinglots, atparties and in detention. "Hey, man, I heard that...(insert rock n' roll myth here.)Now, I have the amazing (or some would say annoying) ability to retain tons and tons ofuseless rock trivia facts in my head. Add to that an almost insatiable curiousity to learn thereal story behind things and Iwould like to think that I am a pretty knowledgable expertonthe subject ofrockn' rollmyths, rumors, urban legends, half-truths and flat outlies.(Note: The writer ofthis piece is NOT anexpert on anything.) A lot of these stories areright now being debated on the internet, so let's get on with ourquest for the truth ands t ar t o ffwith this one:Urban legend #1: Rod Stewart collapses on stage. He is rushed to the hospital and has hisstomach pumped. In his stomach doctors find a gallon of semen.The reality: Agallon ofsemen? Really? How many dicks would someone have to suck inorder to ingest that much sperm? The average male ejaculates a tablespoon ofsemen. Thismyth has been applied to otherperformers overtheyears, but thereisno truth toit.Bonus rock trivia: The bands lOcc and The Lovin' Spoonful are both supposedly namedafter the amount that comes outwhen a guyorgasms.

Urban legend #2: Stevie Nicks was so addicted to cocaine that sheused to have a roadieblow it up her ass.The reality: Stevie herself has called this rumor "absurd", but ifI had tohave cocaineblown up my ass Iwouldn't want to admit iteither. I think we can safely say that this one isfalse, though. Ms. Nicks did have a big hole in her nose from doing so much blow, so maybethat was how this rumor got started.Bonus rock trivia: As far as I know, this rumor did not inspire thealbum title "Rumours."

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Urban legend #3: "Mama" Cass Elliot ofThe Mamas And The Papas died of choking on aham sandwich.The reality: Didn'thappen. She passed away inLondon in 1974 from massive heart failurebrought on by obesity and crash dieting. Asandwich may have been found in her room,but there was no food in her trachea.

Urban legend #4: Marilyn Manson played Paul Pfeiffer, Kevin Arnold's pal, on the TVshow "The Wonder Years."The reality: Come on, people. The part ofPaul was played by Josh Saviano. Where do youcome up with this stuff? Also, Mr. Manson a.k.a Brian Warner didn'tplay Kevin Owens onthe TV show ,Mr. Belvedere, either. Rob Stone was the actor in that role. There are many,many myths associated with Marilyn Manson which range from him throwing puppies intothe audience and demanding they be killed before he continues to the one about him havinghis lower ribs removed so he could suck himself off. I'm suprised the gallon ofsemen in thestomach one hasn't been attributed to him, too.Bonus rock trivia: Ifyou want some actual child actors who grew up to become musiciansthere is Alanis Morissette. She was a cast member on thatNickelodeon show "You Can'tDo That On Television" when she was ayoung girl. Also, that kid who played Andy on"Family Ties" grew up and started a band and I think Tina Yothers (also on "FamilyTies") was doing some singing for awhile. Oh, and let's not forget Robbie Rist, who playedCousin Oliver on "The Brady Bunch." And then there is Corey Feldman, who had a couplealbums out. (One was called "FormerChild Actor", which is not to be confused withAlanis Morissette's album "Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie." Anyway, Corey, buddy,I thought you did great work in "The Goonies", "Stand By Me", "Gremlins", The LostBoys" andvarious other80's movies, but dude, that album just flatoutsucked. I thinkIwould rather listen toKim Kardashian fart through a cardboardtube for6 hours thanlisten to that album again.)

Urban legend #5: The lyrics to "Louie, Louie" are dirty.The reality: Sorry, but they are totally clean. There are probably several reasons for thismyth. One of them being that the words are almost unintelligable because the lead singerstrained his voice the night before they recorded. Also, he was wearing braces, the boommic was set too high and the band thought that they were only rehearsing. The sad thing isthat the FBI actually spent two and ahalf years investigating a rock n' roll song!

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Bonus rock trivia: Although the song "Louie, Louie" was recorded by both The Kingsmenand Paul Revere &The Raiders in1963, it is The Kingsmen's version that has become thedefinitive version.

Urban legend #6: Awoman was killed during the recording ofThe Ohio Players song"Love Rollercoaster."The reality: No one was harmed during the recording of this song. The reason for this mythis that just before the second verse, you can hear what sounds like awoman screaming. It'sactually just the keyboard player. Imean, come on, the idea ofa killer hiding out in arecording studio and then jumping out and killing awoman while a band is recording asong is pretty ridiculous.

Urban legend #7: Led Zeppelin stuffed amud shark into a groupie's orifices.The reality: Not quite as exciting. Supposedly, itwas just Zep's road manager, RichardCole, stuffing a red snapper up the groupie while members ofZep's tour mates VanillaFudge watched. Members ofLed Zep may or may nothave been inthe room at the time.Bonus rock trivia: Hands down, Iwould say thatFrankZappa had thebest stories aboutthings going in and coming out ofgroupie's orifices.

Urban legend #8: Grand Funk Railroad were being heckled by an audience member at aconcert. Fed up, the guitarist says,"If you think you can do better, come up here." Theheckler comes uponstage and it turns out to be Eric Clapton.The reality: There are several different versions of this one, which pretty much means itnever really happened. In other versions the heckler turns out to be Jimmy Page(maybeafter he got donewith the mud shark and the groupie, he decided to go heckle GrandFunk.) I think Clapton and Page probably had better things to do with their time, don'tyou?

Urban legend #9: Michael Jackson bought the remains of the Elephant Man.

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The reality: Nope, butyou have to love the fact that Jackson was aman thatwas so bizarrethat any crazy rumor you could come up with about him seemed plausible. In reality, theElephant Man's skeleton is in ahospital in England and not for sale and his organs weredestroyed in an air r aid back in WWII .Bonus rock trivia: Canadian novelty rockers Barenaked Ladies list the Elephant Man'sremains as something they would buy if they "hadamillion dollars" intheir hit ofthesame name.

Urban legend #10: Gene Simmons ofKiss had a cow tongue surgically grafted onto hisown.

The reality: Wait, let me stop laughing first. Have you ever seen a cow tongue? How couldhe get that thing in his mouth? This myth is as silly and ridiculous as the movie "KissMeets The Phantom Of The Park."Bonus rock trivia: In the early 90's there was an urban legend going around that PeterCriss ofKiss was a homeless alcoholic. Roseanne Barr&Tom Arnold even started acampaign to help him out. Itwas eventuallly revealed that the man who everyone thoughtwas Criss was actually an imposter named ChristopherDickinson.

Urban legend #11: Ozzy bit the head off a live bat during a concert.The Reality: Yes, it's true! Although, hedidn't know itwas a real batthat someone threwonstage. He thought itwas a rubber one, so he picked it up and chomped down on itwhichresulted in rabies shots for the Oz man. Oh, and the one about him biting the heads off ofdoves is also true, but the one about him pissing on The Alamo is only half true. He actuallyurinated on amemorial across the street from The Alamo while drunk and wearing hiswi fe 's d r es s .

Urban legend #12:The Phil Collin's song "In The Air Tonight" is based on a true storyabout someone drowning.The reality: It's asong about Phil's divorce. That's all, but it is amazing how many storiesare floating around about the true meaning behind this hit. Itwould take forever to go intothem all, but here are a few:Story 1: Phil's wife is raped and killed and Phil is forced towatch. The killer i s never

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Dr Feltersnatch's mothermcking surefire remedy for an angry soulFuck.. .Fucking Free at last.It feels so good to type fuck. It's like motherfucking therapy. Because this motherfuckingeconomy sucks. I spend mywork days presenting, talking, selling, writing,running, educating,but I never get to write or say flick- and if I let one slip it's likeeveryonejust saw that I have a tattoo on my penis and I AM the fucking freak they allfeared. SureI will sneaka fuck in at the water coolerwith one of thosework friends youcan trust, but other than those brief interactions, there will be no fucking during my dayverbally or otherwise.Fuck the fucking flickers! It's a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, interjection, it slices itdices, it motherfucking juliennes.I love flick - you love flick. Its profane, its offensive, and it provokes a big flickingreaction just like our music. And since I am writing under an assumed name and none ofyoumotherfuckers will knowwho I am; this seems the perfect venue to releasemy innermotherfucking motherfucker. Andyes, I don't know if that flicking semi-colon goesthereso flick you.Fuck = MusicFuckkeepsme close to music. You knowdamnwellwhat I am talking about. We flick tomusic; weget fucked-up to music; wefucking lovemusic; hell you ladies out there seemto like to fuck musicians.Well I guess I wanted to flickLita Ford and Blondie, and thatchick from thatBerlinvideo back in the day.. .andofyeahTawnyKitean fromtheWhitesnack video andpretty much alloftheRunaways. But I digress.Mypointherepeople is thatmusic is the sound track to ourmotherfucking lives BUTit'salso thecureto badmotherfucking day. Areyou seeing the flicking connection?We live for the loud music thathelps us release. Sogetin your car, or turn on your stereoat home, or get that weak-ass iPod ifyou still live with mama.. .and turn thatmotherfucker to eleven. When you find yourself saying flick a lot, getting fucked a lot(ina bad way), or otherwise in a bad fucking mood, turn to your music and gogetfucked.. .(in a good way).Sinfuckingcerely,Dr. Feltersnatch

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