NIST SelfConfidenceSession27November2010

8/8/2019 NIST SelfConfidenceSession27November2010

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How doesself-confidence

help kids?

Thursday 2 December, 2010Presented by the Counsellors @ NIST


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How can I feel good about myself?


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W hat is self-confidence?Self-confidence (or self-esteem) is the picture wecarry around in our own minds about ourselvesThat picture comes from our interactions with

others and the worldParents are mirrors for children in that you showthem a picture of themselves as capable orincapable

This is particularly true during the first 9-10 yearsof life when children are trying to sort out whatthey can achieve and how they fit inAdolescents begin to look to peers for this mirror


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Section 1: Confidence and ABCsAudio from Michael Grose


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Mindsets of Children

Confident ChildrenI accept myself as I amI want to take risks andam comfortable tryingthings I am not good atI am independent and amnot too worried about

what other people thinkof me

Children Lacking ConfidenceSelf-doubtPerfectionistNeed for approval


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S ection 2: Promoting Confidence in

Children through Language

S trategy: Changing the child s mindset

M indset for taking risks = Have a go! Try it!M indset for acceptance = You re okay. It sokay.

M indset for being independent = It s not whatothers think it s what you think that counts.


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Promoting Confidence in Children

through Language

Strategy: Catch your child in the act!

Ex ample: You must be so proud of yourself for doing e x tra work on that project.


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Promoting Confidence in Childrenthrough Language

S trategy: Reframe the negative eventG et children to look at the positive sideChallenge the negative viewThis positive frame needs to come fromschool and from home


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S ection 3: Optimism

S trategy: Positive trackingPositive tracking = looking at the bright side of lifeYou can teach positive tracking by playing a gamewith your children- Child: We came home and there was no food inthe fridge.- Parent: That s bad!

- Child: No! It was good because we got to goout to a restaurant.


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Optimism

S trategy: Three Blessings/Gratitude JournalIdea comes from Th e Optimistic C h ild byM artin SeligmanEvery day, for 28 days, the child records threegood things that happened to them that dayEx ercise in gratitude


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S ection 4: Explanatory S tyles

Questions to consider:Are you a pessimist or an optimist?

Do you see things as problems or challenges?

ACTIVITY:Please take a moment to think about thesequestions.


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S ection 4: Explanatory S tylesHow can we help kids?

We need to be aware of our own style. Learn to beoptimistic and speak optimistically in front of ourkids!Let our kids brag and boastChallenge children s negative mindsets particularly when they catastrophize. For e x ample,

Everyone hates me. It was the worst day onearth.Remember that everything that happens to us canbe attributed to ourselves, to luck and to otherpeople.


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S elf-esteem storyAshley


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Like a plant needs water,children need encouragement.

M ichael G rose


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S ection 5: Encouragement & Praise

The self-confident child takes risks. In order to do thatthey must receive encouragement. The word couragecomes from the Latin word for heart.

What helps our kids take risks?1. Being determined2. Having a cheerleader

ACTIVITY: Think about the followingAre you naturally encouraging? Is your partner?


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S ection 5: Encouragement & PraiseAudio from Michael Grose


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How do we learn to

be more encouraging?ACTIVITY:

Think about the people in your life whohave been encouraging

On your hand-out, make note of their

characteristicsWhat do these people have in common?


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Common characteristics of

encouraging people:Focus on strengths

G enuinely believe the child can do thingsBright and personableM ake child feel better about him/herself

Language was encouraging: Come on!You can do this!


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Randy s S tories: IALAC

I = IA = AmL= LovingA = And

C = Capable


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Randy s S tories: LA S ERBEAMand Activity

L = Look forA = AnyS = Signs of E = E ncourageableR = ReinforceableB = Behavior so thatE = Ex pectationsA = AreM = M otivated


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Becoming more encouraging

S trategy: S tart smallBegin with one new habit at a timeM ichael G rose began by making adecision that when he tucked his kids intobed every night, he would talk with themabout one amazing thing they did thatday


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Becoming more encouragingS trategy: S aying I love you

When you tell your children that you lovethem, you promote self-worth

When kids have a healthy sense of self worth,they know they are loveable. This is at the coreof who they are their being

When kids feel loveable it is easier for them todevelop good self-esteem which is aboutdoing

You cannot say I love you too often


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Children are hard wired for struggle when theyget here. When we hold that perfect little babyin our hands, our job is not to say, I need tokeep her perfect. Our job is to say You are

imperfect and you are wired for struggle andyou are worthy of love and belonging.

- Dr. Brene Brown


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S trategy: Language of Encouragement

Parents can help their children by developing a

language of encouragement about the following:EffortImprovement

ContributionE njoymentConfidence


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S trategy: ICE ChartICE = Improvement, Contribution, EffortUse a chart for process rather than resultsChildren tell you when they have beensuccessful


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S trategy:

Begin family meetings with encouragements


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Encouraging teenagers

Teenagers need a lot of encouragement fromtheir parents even if it doesn t seem that way

Teenagers hear, on average, 5 negativecomments for every positive commentWe need to hold up their hopes and dreams

Being a teenager is much harder today than itwas when we were growing up!


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S elf-esteem storyBrenda


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Helpful Praise for Children

1. Descriptive praiseBe specific and say how you felt about their successG ive praise in private especially with boys

2. Summary praiseFocus on praising your child s success at achieving oneimportant thing such as persistence or initiative

3. E ncourage self-praiseThis is especially important for children who alwaysneed parental approval


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S ection 6: Discouragement

In what ways do we discourage our children?Taking a fault-finding approach even whenit is intended to help children improveConditional Acceptance You can helpwhen you are older.Peer and sibling comparison

Spoiling children and over-protecting them.This style of parenting sends the messagethat the child is not capable


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S elf-esteem storyJulia


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How to avoid becoming a Helicopter Parent

Parents do not need to know everything about

their childrenAdopt a Big Family mindset. If you had si x children, would you be worried about this

issue?


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S ection 7: Competency

Kids who are self-confident feel

competent at the ordinary stuff It is important for children to learn howto make a sandwich before they learn

how to play the violin


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Never regularly do fora child that which the

child can do for himself.- M ichael G rose


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How do we help children

become competent?M ake it easier for kids to be successful byscaffolding or chunking big tasks into smallerpieces.

Help children to be independent so that theycan be competent, self-fulfilled adultsEarly years are key in developing competencyand independence


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S elf-esteem storyKim


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Dr. Brene Brown:W

holeheartednessWholehearted people feel worthy of love andbelonging. They share the following attributes:

Courage to be imperfect (Original meaning of courage = To tell the story of who you are withyour whole heart)Compassion to be kind to themselves first

Connection as a result of authenticity (not whothey thought they should be)They fully embrace vulnerability they believe thatit is necessary


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We cannot give our children what we don t have.- Dr. Brene Brown


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Resources

Br ing Out You r C h ild s Confidence: At HomePa r enting P r og r am by M ichael G rose

Dr. Bren Brown: T E Dx Houstonhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9c G Rub0

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NIST SelfConfidenceSession27November2010

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