Nobody is perfect. I’m sure there are things about yourself that you would

love to change. And often, there are things about our partners that we

really want to change!

Not just because there are things about our men that annoy us. It’s also

because we want the best for a guy we care about, and we want to help

him achieve his ultimate potential.

When you are in a relationship, you are in a partnership. Never lose sight of

this. You can support each other and provide motivation.

Together, you can achieve things that individually would have been difficult.

And when you share your life with somebody, you have the ability to bring

out the best in them.

The problem is that many women enter into

relationships with plans for “changing” their

partners.

Most of the time, when a woman approaches

a man with plans for “fixing,” “helping,” or

“improving” him, she comes to realize that he

doesn’t really WANT to change. And so he

won’t. In fact, he can’t.

A change within a man has to begin with him

recognizing the need to change, and then

having a desire to do so.

This chapter is designed to help you help him—to make changes that he

wants, in a way that will benefit not only him, but your relationship.

It might be tempting to think of a man you care about as a “work in

progress,” and you think you’ll supply the motivation to make him change

in drastic ways.

But this almost never works out!

If a man is an introvert, for example, you won’t be able to change him into

an extrovert. That is his core personality.

If a man is lazy and completely unorganized, it will be difficult to change

him into an ambitious, organized guy—unless he really WANTS this for

himself.

The only changes that are realistically achievable with your partner are in

areas where he wants to change. Then, it’s about supporting your partner

and guiding his change. These are the types of changes where he is happy

to have you in his corner.

Rather than resenting you for PRESSURING him, he will appreciate you

for HELPING him.

The Three Levels of Change

There are three levels of changes that we might desire for our man to make.

We’ll simply call these “small, medium and large” changes.

Small changes would be things like fixing annoying habits:

• Getting him to pick up after himself

• Getting him to be more organized

• Getting him to be more attentive to you and listen better

These types of changes are the simplest to implement, and success can

come quite quickly. Beyond these are the medium problems we want to

change...

• Getting him to quit smoking

• Getting him to exercise and lose weight

• Getting him to stop partying excessively with his friends

• Getting him to manage his temper and stop blowing up over minor

things

• Getting him to stop flirting with other women

These changes can be tougher, and may require more of a journey (and

more patience on your part). But when you in a committed, loving

relationship with a man, and he realizes that by NOT changing, he might

lose you, any of these changes are possible.

Our final level contains the large problems. Some of these are real

monsters, and might require professional help. You have to realize that

some problems are just too big to fix on your own – especially addictions.

These can be problems like:

• Getting him to stop cheating with other women

• Getting him off drugs

• Getting him to stop gambling

There are strategies for each level of problem (although with large levels,

the only truly effective strategy may be getting him to seek professional

help).

Whatever the case may be, realize which level of problem you are working

with, as you begin to figure out a way to deal with it.

Helping Him See the Problem

Oftentimes, he will have a bad habit that he doesn’t know about, or he isn’t

aware that it’s really bothering or harming anyone.

In this situation, you’ll want to point out the problem without attacking him.

Don’t tell him that you want him to change. Just use the formula we

covered earlier in this guide:

“When you do X it makes me feel Y.”

Examples:

“When you leave your clothes on the floor it makes me feel like you

don’t care about our home.”

“When you don’t listen it makes me feel like I don’t matter to you.”

“When you don’t take care of yourself it makes me feel like you don’t

care about us.”

“When you smoke it makes me feel like one day I will be a single

mother and a widow.”

“When you look at pornography it makes me feel like you’re not

attracted to me anymore.”

“When you flirt with other women it makes me feel like you don’t love

me.”

“When you gamble it makes me feel like I am in this marriage by

myself.”

If he has a habit that bothers you or makes you feel bad, be very clear

about how it affects you. He may never have really noticed its harmful

impact, and he’s been living in “blissful ignorance.”

Once he is aware of the issue, it’s up to him to decide how to move

forward.

If he wants to change, then you can support him using the techniques from

this guide. If he doesn’t express a desire to change quite yet, just give him

time. He probably wants to try and fix the problem on his own.

(Men can be stubborn this way, but if he is being sincere about changing,

tell him that you support him without nagging him or telling him what he

“needs” to do.)

Even if it’s something like a bad habit that you can’t stand, you’re not

simply going to “cure” him of this behavior if he doesn’t see it as a

problem.

Before you can try to change him, he must feel that you are truly there to

support him. He needs that solid sense of security to allow him to try.

Without a sense of security and stability, he won’t risk change in his life.

Once he has given you his heart and received yours in return, he will feel

ready to make a transformation.

This is where the following technique comes into play…

Affection Anchors

With this technique, we want to establish YOU as his primary source of love,

support and affection.

He needs to know that he can come to you

whenever he wants affirmation or advice about

his life.

You want to start off by being positive about all

of his great attributes. You never want to lie to

him. If there is something that you don’t like or

think he should change, just wait to bring that

up. It’s not safe to do that until he is anchored to you.

Use the “magic words” we discussed earlier to reinforce your relationship.

As he comes to you for advice and affirmation, you will know when you are

in a position to support him in a big change.

Simply compliment him about the things you like about him. As long as you

are honest and don’t compliment the things you don’t like, he will start to

notice.

As you are his source for affirmation, he will want to change to maintain

that steady supply of good feelings.

To guide a man towards making positive changes, you need to first get him

to listen to you. Then he will understand the message you’re trying to get

through to him.

It’s not always easy to get a man’s full attention, but by using the right

timing and words, you can massively improve the way you communicate

with him.

He needs to not only understand what is needed from him, but he also

needs the motivation to strive for your respect and admiration.

There are ways to help a man make positive changes in his life, through

effective communication. Help him to be a better man, and he’ll be a

happier man—and he will see you as the reason for his happiness.

The strongest connections in life are made when people go through

change together, so what could be better than supporting him to be

happier about himself, and with you?

Small and Medium Problems

Let’s say that your partner has expressed the desire to live a healthier life,

but he lacks the motivation and drive to make serious changes.

Now that you’re in his life, you have an opportunity to help him realize this

desire.

You know that YOU can be the pillar in his life that he can lean on for

support and guidance, as he works towards bettering himself.

But how do you get through to him and get him to really change the habits

that have been holding him back for all this time?

First, you will need to understand what’s been holding him back so far, and

where the root of this habit lies. Unless it’s apparent, you will need to talk

to him and find out.

He may not even realize that he is doing something that’s negatively

affecting him, or he might tell you something like, “I just have so many

things to deal with at work, I don’t have time to exercise.”

If he makes it clear what the problem is, then you are set to move on to the

next stage—breaking down his mental “roadblocks.”

If there is no clear indication as to what is holding him back, then you’re

going to have to do a bit of investigative work. Remember, we already

know what the habit is that we want to change—what we are trying to find

is the cause.

Once you’ve found the cause of the habit, you can work with him so that he

understands the problem. This allows you to work together to find a

solution.

The attempt to lead a healthier life is the example we are using, but this can

be applied to a lot of other issues, such as a lack of confidence, sleeping

disorders, trust issues, anger management, procrastination, and laziness,

among other things.

Make sure that the conversation

takes place in a relaxed

environment, and be careful that

you don’t come across as if you

are interrogating or attacking him.

You want him to feel safe being

himself with you and opening up.

We always want to communicate without judgment.

It is very important to ease into this conversation. Remember, do not offer

him any advice until he expresses a desire to get some help in this area.

And sometimes, he’ll need a few days or weeks to process what you’ve told

him.

Only after he has pondered the issue for a little while will he be ready to

talk to you about ways to take action on this issue.

If you move too quickly, you turn from his supportive partner into his

enemy. If you tell him that you think he should quit smoking and then start

throwing out his cigarettes in front of him, he will react negatively. It’s too

much, too fast.

He knows he needs to quit, but you have to wait for him to make the

decision. Otherwise, your efforts will be wasted.

Once he admits that he has a problem and expresses a desire for change,

you can move forward. You want to assure him you know what he’s going

through and you then offer a solution.

Sometimes the best solution you can offer is to support him and be there

for him. To let him know that you will support him in his effort to quit and

never judge him when he slips up.

It may be difficult but sometimes your partner will simply say that he has no

desire to change his habit. He might say that you have to take him as he is

or leave him. He will put you in a tough position.

At this point there is no way for you to force him to change. He is digging

his heels in. The only thing you can do is stick to our formula and express

how much he’s hurting or scaring you.

If he still doesn’t care about your feelings, then you have a big problem, not

a small one. It’s time to consider getting professional help.

Guiding Him to His Own Solution

We have discussed how men approach conversations from a

problemsolution mindset. He may be looking for you to offer a solution,

but wait until he finishes speaking.

Often, just by speaking out loud to someone who cares and is willing to

listen, he will find the solutions on his own.

If he looks to you for an opinion, start by telling a story where you had to

fix a similar problem in your life. Rather than telling him what to do, you are

just sharing your own personal experience. It comes across much softer.

By telling your “story,” you offer a proven solution to the problem. This is

the best way to give advice to a man.

Ask him when he first started noticing the habit. If you are the one who

noticed it, ask him when he thinks the habit started.

Depending on his answer, you can work with him to figure out what may

have caused the onset of the habit. Maybe he started smoking in high

school because he really wanted to be “cool.”

We want to try to isolate a root cause behind each bad habit. Once we

isolate that cause we can discuss it. Do you think he still wants high school

kids to think he’s cool? Of course not.

So now he will realize that his core reason to smoke is flawed. This will

decrease his desire and make quitting much easier for him. Your goal is to

be his guide through this process.

He might ask you something along the lines of:

“If you don’t like (the habit), then why did you date me/put up with me in

the first place?”

An easy response—to defuse a brewing argument, and to assure him that

you are on his side—would be this:

“I love you for who you are, and you’re perfect for me as you are, but I

want you to be happy and help you X.”

Focus on why helping him shed this bad habit will be a wonderful thing for

both of you. Say something like:

“I love you for who you are, and you’re perfect for me as you are. I love

you so much that I want you to live as long as possible. I can’t bear the

thought of being without you. That’s why I want to help you quit

smoking.”

When you point out a flaw in a man, his knee-jerk reaction will be to ask

why you want to change him. If you can get past this one objection,

changing becomes achievable.

Some men find it extremely hard to talk about their flaws or emotions with

sincerity. They have kept their feelings bottled up all their lives.

If you are in a relationship with one

of these men, you are going to

have to go the extra mile to make

him feel comfortable opening up to

you, and to let him know that

together, you can move forward.

Neither of you will be able to

break

through this challenge on your own. If you try, you’ll simply be wasting your

energy. You need to face these challenges together.

You really do need to be there with him as you both break through those

mental blocks. Facing and overcoming challenges is how you can

strengthen your relationship in the long term.

We remember the people who supported us through our toughest

struggles.

Okay, you’ve come this far. You both know what needs to be changed and

you both know what caused the behavior. So now, how do you go about

changing it? How do you get your partner to really change?

By finding out what caused the behavior in the first place, you can replace

that cause with something better. Maybe he needs to find a new way to

boost his confidence or realize that his reason for smoking no longer

applies.

The Six-Step Process

Six simple steps can be used to remove bad habits and start new good

ones. Let’s review them one final time.

Step One: Identify the habit that your partner wants to change.

Step Two: Talk with your partner about this behavior and try to identify the

cause. Finding out when (and how) it began is a good way to figure out

that root cause.

Step Three: Offer supportive reasons why you want to help him change.

Let him know that you only want what is best for him. Only offer advice in

the form of stories about your own life.

Step Four: Reassure your partner that you want to make him happy and it’s

your mission to help him with any aspirations he has.

Step Five: Devise a plan to solve the problem together. Let him lead the

conversation. He may find the solution just by using you as a sounding

board.

Step Six: Work on the solution and implement his plan together. Your job

is to support him and be his primary source of affirmation.

The key is to always think of the two of you as a team. Team problems

require team solutions. Instead of it just being his problem, it is a problem

that you two share.

That feeling will give him strength and keep him from feeling persecuted.

He will want to change for the sake of both of you.

You may get stuck on Step Two. That’s ok. We want to delve a little deeper

to see how this can help us in different specific examples.

Finding The Root Problem

Let’s look at some different types of problems, and see how discovering the

root problem can help.

1. He has a bad habit of drinking too much. The first thing is to

determine if he is an alcoholic. If he has an addiction level problem,

then you may need to approach this as a large problem (which we will

discuss in the next section).

In this situation we want to find out when he

started drinking. Was it in high school to fit

in with the “cool kids?” Maybe he started

drinking in college because he didn’t feel

confident.

When he gets a few drinks in him he feels

like the most confident and popular guy in

the bar.

So he drinks to feel confident and popular.

Now that we know this root cause we can replace his need for

alcoholconfidence with confidence he gets from you supporting and

adoring him totally.

He can be popular because you are amazing, and you would never be with

a man who wasn’t equally amazing.

2. He flirts with other women. What feeling does this flirting give him

now? What hole is he trying to fill with this bad behavior? What

need does flirting fill that your relationship doesn’t?

Once we know the root cause of this problem we can tackle it head

on. You discover that he flirts with other women as a way of

confirming that he’s still attractive. He wants to be desired.

Part of this stems from his mom having an affair as a child because

his father got fat and acted like a slob after they were married.

So really his flirting isn’t about you. It’s all about a fear from

childhood. He needs constant affirmation that he is good enough, so

that you won’t want to cheat on him or leave him.

His problem has nothing to do with making you jealous. It has

nothing to do with these other women. It’s about making sure that

he can keep your love.

As we discover each root cause, you may notice that the consistent

thing about them is a lack of confidence or some sort of fear, and the

best cure is almost always being his Affirmation Anchor.

3. He’s a complete slob. He doesn’t clean up after himself. He leaves

dirty dishes on the table and dirty clothes on the floor. He treats your

house like a dump.

After working to find the root cause you discover that he never got

enough love from his mother. The only time she paid attention was

when he made a mess. Then she would come and shout at him to

clean up.

He learned that the only kind of attention he could get from his mom

was negative attention. Once we bring this problem to light and

point out that he gets positive attention from you, it will be easy for

him to change his core behavior.

You just have to create the desire within him.

With each of these medium level problems it might take more than

just one conversation to change him. It is a process, not a magic

button.

Each time he does a good job you want to pour on the affirmation:

“When you spend time with me instead of out drinking with your

buddies, it makes me feel like a princess.”

“When you clean up after yourself it makes me feel like a real

partner in this relationship.”

“When we go out to dinner and you don’t drink it makes me feel

so much pride in my amazing husband.”

These words of affirmation are extremely powerful and can keep him

on the path to success.

Large Problems

Sometimes his problem is a big one. We want to start by figuring out if it is

a medium problem or a big problem during our six-step process.

Flirting because he needs affirmation is a medium-sized problem; carrying

on affairs with other women could mean he has a full-blown sex addiction,

which would be a large problem.

The root cause often tells us how serious the problem is. When dealing

with a large problem it’s time to realize that there is more going on here

than just desire or motivation.

If he has an addiction-level problem then there are complex factors at work.

Addictions often rewire the brain. There is a reason that alcoholics who join

Alcoholics Anonymous often go to a meeting every single day. The

problem is so big that they have to grapple with it daily.

If your man has a problem at this level, we want to slightly modify our plan.

Steps five and six will have to involve outside help. He may need to seek

counseling, group therapy and possibly addiction meetings. Maybe you

need to go to those meetings with him, and then further develop your plan

with the leaders.

One of the most important things

that you can do is realize when a

problem is too big for you to face on

your own. There is no shame in

seeking outside help when a problem

is too big for the two of you to face

on your own.

Whatever the habits or problems you want to help your partner to fix, the

techniques in this chapter are here to help you.

Make sure that you look at each problem as a team. Stay strong as his

affirmation anchor. Then, develop a solution together.

Two people in love can conquer all.