November 2009

BOSH BRISTOL 1 Issue 5

SAVING YOU

MORE MONEY!

ISSUE 5 NOVEMBER 2009 www.boshmonthly.co.uk

BOSHBRISTOL

YOUR MONTHLY DOSE OF SAVAGE BANTER

BOSH BRISTOL 2 www.boshmonthly.co.uk

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EDITORIALBOSH

RossAdvertising

SimonEditor

JamesDesign

JennaPhotographer

AlexAgony Aunt

So Freshers’ Week (Fortnight? Month?!) has been and gone, and I’m sure you all had a great time. Hopefully you’re now also getting back into the swing of this education malarkey! But never fear, if you’re feeling a bit bogged down with work then BOSH is here to brighten your day...

As ever, we’ve endeavoured to keep this issue crammed full of the deals and offers that we know students actually want to see. With another exclusive offer of a FREE coffee at Caffe Gusto, as well as our regular FREE entry to Po Na Na on Tuesdays AND Wednesdays, there’s surely something for everyone. That’s not forgetting 50% off at Dominos, exclusive ‘2 for 1’s at Blue Juice, and plenty more in between!

Content wise, we have the follow up to our BOSH Bibles to help those about to start the gruelling hunt for student housing (see page 16), our Agony Aunt is back answering your problems, and there’s a brand new Babe to meet. We also welcome Lewin onto the BOSH Team. He’s the definitive word on avoiding the same old clichéd nights out and brings a whole host of alternative ideas. All of this, along with the usual smattering of jokes, crazy news stories, mad facts, and competitions.

Also, as we mentioned in our Freshers’ issue, BOSH has now moved into the world of student events. Our inaugural BOSH Crawl was a huge success and everyone from Hiatt Baker had a top night. It was so good, in fact, that it even made the BBC national news! (Video available on our website) See page 5 for all the details, and join our new Facebook group ‘BOSH l Bristol’ to stay in the loop about future BOSH goings on.

Finally, I hope you enjoy this issue and find it as useful as ever. If you have any feedback, or would like to get involved as either a regular or one-off guest writer, then get in touch!

Simon MelvinEditor

MAKE SURE YOU CHECK OUT:

LewinNight-Life

Get on down to Blue Juice with a mate for your 2-4-1 smoothies!

Another 2-4-1, this time on Falafel King’s Falafels & Mezze Plates.

Find a whole host of offers at Caffe Gusto, from 2-4-1 paninis to free coffee.

With the Downs just up the road, what better excuse to give something new a go!

Free entry to Fat Poppadaddy’s the rest of the term - check out a BOSH favourite.

Take advantage of free entry to Secret Discotheque all term as well!

Dominos is now staying open later for you! Make sure you pick up your b-o-g-o-f offer!

Enjoy a whole host of offers from one of Whiteladies’ newest establishments


BOSH

16 Bibles: The follow up to our first BOSH Bible brings

you a load of useful information about looking for student housing, in association with Anthony James & Co.

18 BOSH Nosh: With Christmas now fast

approaching, we thought what better way to get into the festive spirit than with a Christmas dinner. BOSH shows you how!

19 Lists: A new feature this month, we bring

you interesting lists of just about anything really. This month we show you the rudest films and most annoying adverts!

20 Film Reviews: They’re back! On the hitlist this

month are Paranormal Activity and The Invention of Lying, come and see what rocked and what flopped...

22 Agony Aunt: Alex is back for her latest instalment, as she

tries to sort out all your problems and make Bristol a happier place!

5 Bar Crawl: Have a look at how our inaugural BOSH Crawl went

down! Pics and info on our Freshers’ bar crawl to Basement 45.

6 Humour: Another selection of top jokes for your

consumption, as well as Confucius Corner!

8 News: A light-hearted look at some of the funnier news

stories over the last month that you probably won’t have seen...

10 Night-Life: Come and meet our newest team member,

Lewin! He’s here to bring you the best alternative nights out around Bristol.

12 Babe of the Month: Meet this month’s babe, Georgi,

and hear what she has to say.

15 Puzzles: Give the sudokus a bash and try to solve our

tricky brainteaser!


THIS MONTH...


THIS MONTH... BOSH

As we mentioned last issue, BOSH has now

entered the world of student events! During

Freshers’ Week, Hiatt Baker was treated to

an awesome seven-stop bar crawl down

Whiteladies, kicking off in the bar to the sound

of the BOSH power hour, then taking advantage

of top drinks deals along the way. The night

ended up in Basement 45, exclusively hired out

by BOSH, where local DJs Bounce and Mark

Davis kept everyone dancing through the night.

The night made such an impact that it even made the

national BBC news! They were filming a piece about the

concerns of Freshers’ Week, but were so

surprised at how well run

our night was

that it made

prime time

television. The

full video can

be seen on

our website

and Facebook

page.

They were pretty hard to miss kitted out in

customised bright red BOSH t-shirts...

Finally, a quick heads up to look out for another

quality BOSH night early next term! We can’t give

too much away, but fully expect it to be at least as

hectic as the BOSH Crawl! Let’s just say, the floods

are coming...

HIATT BAKER BOSH CRAWL



TELEVISION EPISODESome kid came up to me today and said, “What’s your favourite telly tubby?”

I said, “It’s my Samsung 42 inch you cheeky little bastard!”

PROPER BO!Apparently Craig David has quit the music business to concentrate on helping the GB archery team win gold at London 2012 Olympics.

He’s their Bow Selector!

DON’T WINEA woman walks into a police station and says “I want to report a grape.”

The policeman asks “Do you mean a rape?”

She says “No, there was a bunch of them!”

STICKY SITUATIONI’ve spent all day combing chocolate and coconut out of my hair...

Apparently there’s a bounty on my head.

CONTINENTAL BREAKFASTWhy do Frenchmen never eat more than one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf!

A BUM DEALDid you hear about the suicidal dyslexic?

He shat himself.

DESERT OR DESSERT?Two guys are stranded in the desert, dying of thirst. Far off in the distance they suddenly see a group of tents. They decide to make one last effort to make it there before giving up.

They eventually reach the tents, and the first guy crawls up to the man stood outside and says, “Please, please can we have some water, we’re dying of thirst!”The shopkeeper says, “I can’t give you any water but can I interest you in this custard and jelly pie?”

The guy says no and they move on to the next tent. This time the

Here’s this month’s selection of jokes and pictures. They’ve been carefully hand picked for your amusement. So...enjoy!

BOSH HUMOUR


second guy does the asking for water to which the shopkeeper replies, “No can do I’m afraid, but how about this custard and jelly pie though?”

They say no and move on through all the tents with the same outcome. They leave the area and are out in the desert again when one guy turns to the other and says, “That was weird, wasn’t it?”

His friend replies, “Yeah, it was a trifle bazaar!”

JUAN IN A MILLIONWhat do you call a Mexican who’s recovered from swine flu?

Manuel.

NUN TOO TIREDWhat do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roaming Catholic.

WHAT A BALLS UPDid you hear about the circumcisionist with Parkinson’s?

He got the sack!

TENTILISINGDid you hear about camping?

It’s intense!

Pretty good eh? But think your jokes are better than these? Well send them in then!

The best one will win this book, the snappily named “A Rough Guide to staying amused online when you should be working”, the coolest virals, hoaxes and YouTube clips.

CONFUCIUS CORNERWar not determine who is right, war determines

who’is left

Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands

Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time

Man who run behind car get exhausted

Man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money

Virgin like balloon... one prick, all gone

Man who put face in punchbowl get punch in nose

Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent

Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok

Man with hand in pocket is always on the ball

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day

Man who goes to bed with sex problem,wakes up with solution in hand


BOSH NEWS

Our favourite story this month comes straight from Germany. Imagine for a moment if you

will, that you’re a parent and today’s the day that you’re moving house. Everything is going to plan, the furniture’s all packed up and ready to go, when your youngest son decides he doesn’t like the idea of moving.So what would you do? Play a game with him? Take his mind off the subject? Well that’s what this family did, except it didn’t end as well as

they might have hoped! The son soon found himself wrapped in packing tape and being bundled into the car in an attempt to pretend that he was a piece of furniture being moved as well. However, this isn’t quite how nosey passers by saw it! In their eyes, there was a small boy being thrown in a car, bound against his will. A few calls to the police later, and the Wellbrock’s drive to their new place was interrupted by armed police pulling them over and staging

a ‘rescue’ for the ‘victim’. After much confusion and explanation however, the situation was calmed and the truth was revealed. “It was very embarrassing. It was a game they’d played, pretending to wrap him up like a piece of furniture.” Said one officer.I guess at the end of the day it’s a little comforting that should this have been a real kidnapping, the situation would have been dealt with reasonably efficiently. Though it’s always amusing to see the police cock up once in a while isn’t it...

JACK IN THE BOX?

PICKING UP THE PIECES

Now theft isn’t something that we condone here at BOSH, but this latest story did put a smile

on our faces nonetheless. This tale comes all the way from China, where a man called Zhang was working assembling motorbikes. I’m sure all of us have taken a liberty or two at work, but Zhang really did take it one step further! As a man who was desperate for a motorbike, but unable to afford one, he set about ‘removing’ one from the factory. As Zhang himself said, “I don’t have that much money, so I came up with the idea of taking the parts home and assembling them on my own” – yup, part by part, he nicked an entire motorbike from his place of work, and put it together at home!

Whilst fairly immoral, you can’t help but give him credit for his inspiration...His success was short-lived though. After 5 years of hard thievery, he took his new toy out onto the roads for a spin and was very shortly seeing blue flashing lights in his mirror (assuming that part had gone missing from the factory already!). With no driving licence or paperwork for the bike, he admitted to the theft, was fined the equivalent of £440, put on probation for a year, and ordered to return the motorcycle to the factory. See kids…crime doesn’t pay!

Fatherhood: hopefully not something you BOSH readers are all that familiar with yet! However, I’m

sure you all have the common sense to know that if say, you were a father with a respectable job in the community…a policeman maybe, and your 5 year old daughter and son had a bit of a falling out in the sandpit, your first course of action shouldn’t be to arrest her!

Well for young Monika Kretzmer from Chiemgau in Germany (what is it with Germany this month!), this is exactly what happened, twice! She was arrested by her own father just days later for allegedly giving him the old middle finger. The girl’s 5 years old for heaven’s sake! If she knew what the middle finger meant, it should be ‘Wolfgang M’ (named as such for legal reasons) arresting himself for poor parenting… though evidently his parenting standards are anything but ordinary.Though it seems that the buck didn’t stop here, Wolfgang continued to dispatch a team of officers to the girl’s home, HIS home, to warn her parents (him surely?) of her actions and tell them she would be charged with anti social behaviour. One really can’t help but think at this point… if he was so set on bringing his work home with his, why couldn’t old Wolfgang just make a call home in his spare time?The family’s lawyer (I’m going to guess not appointed by the man of the household…) has said, “This sort of behaviour by the police in the city casts a shadow over their reputation. We have filed a complaint with the Interior Ministry and we can assure the policeman she doesn’t even know what it means to show someone the finger.”We here have a feeling that someone might be sleeping on the sofa for the next few years in the Kretzmer household!

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT


ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT


Particularly in the heady rush of first year, it’s easy to get caught up in the clubbing routine – same nights, same places. Lounge, Panache, Po-Na-Na, Syndicate, occasionally a daring jaunt to Oceana for those who like sweaty chavs in polo shirts. For many, a night out is synonymous with a night on Whiteladies. But Bristol has far more to offer than identikit clubs playing “dancefloor classics” (Flo Rida, My Sex Is On Fire and the Baywatch theme, in that order). Let’s not forget that this is the city that spawned Massive Attack, Tricky and Portishead, to name but a few. If you’re a fresher, get out there and explore! These three years are the only period of your life where the government will help

fund your nights out, why not make the most of it?If you’re a second or third year, more work means your leisure time is increasingly precious, so why spend it doing exactly what you did last year? A trip to Lounge is always a laugh, but there’s no way you’ll remember it in a month’s time. Pretty soon it becomes a blur of sweat, sore feet and some truly embarrassing pictures. Sure it may be your traditional night out, but traditions aren’t always a good thing. Strict pre-marital celibacy, the divine right of kings and human sacrifice were traditions once, but have now been cheerfully abandoned in all but the most rural areas. Dare to be different! A night off the beaten track for the older amongst us has the additional benefit of getting you away from all those freshers. Nothing makes you feel old faster than a crowd of UV-painted teenagers chanting “down it fresher!”, while you mumble “make it a single, I’ve got a deadline tomorrow”.So, what exactly does Bristol have to offer? Most famously, we’re the UK’s second city of dubstep (London taking the top spot), which ought to be reason enough to throw on those old but oh-so-comfortable trainers, head down to Lakota and let the bass shake you until your teeth fall out. Lakota also hosts the excellent Itchy Feet night, which boasts jazz, blues and more swing than your granddad’s testicles.If that sounds appealing, you should head down to King Street and visit the Old Duke, an internationally renowned jazz venue with live bands every evening (plus Sunday lunchtimes). Eddie Martin hosts open mic night every Wednesday for those of a musical bent. Live music is one of the city’s strong points, you can find classical performances at Colston Hall, or black metal at the Cavern in St. Nick’s Market, as well as everything in between. One of the best venues is Mr. Wolf’s on St. Stephens Street, which has bands every night and serves noodles and more until 1am. Just round the corner, Start The Bus is a costlier alternative but

Lewin is not the recipient of numerous prizes for journalism, or indeed for anything at all. He has never run a marathon. He does not play any sport whatsoever, nor does he regularly contribute to worthy causes. He has never spread his coat over a puddle for a lady, saved a drowning kitten, or reduced greenhouse gas emissions. He has never been hailed as the world’s greatest lover, artist, musician or cage fighter. There is hardly any physical or intellectual pursuit in which he has not disgraced himself.He makes good tea.He is also our newest writer, and is on a mission to educate you, the readers of BOSH, in what Bristol has to offer when lectures are over and the sun has set. Dig into what he has to say, and keep an eye out for his future ramblings!

BOSH Night-Life


Lakota


often hosts up-and-coming acts, for your last chance to say “I was into them before they were famous”. For a quieter evening, Cosies in Portland Square hosts Reggae Sunday every (you guessed it) Sunday evening, which is brilliant if you feel like something a bit gentler before Monday lectures. Entry is around £2, and there’s usually a range of Caribbean food (including an amazing goat curry) on sale until late in the evening.If you’re hankering after a simple drink or three, try the White Lion in Clifton, which boasts a colossal heated beer terrace with fantastic views of the Avon gorge and suspension bridge. Prices are high, but it’s definitely worth a visit at night as the bridge looks stunning when illuminated. The Woods on Park Street is a must for its hunting lodge vibe and massive range of drinks, but again it’s a bit of a strain on the wallet. For somewhere equally characterful but a bit cheaper, the Grain Barge on Hotwell Road has a selection of Bristol ales, does good food, and it’s on a boat! Just across the road, the Mardyke offers Wetherspoons pricing with the “real pub” atmosphere that Spoons tries and fails to imitate. Deserving of a special mention is the Mother’s Ruin in St. Nicholas’ Market, which offers cheap pitchers and an inventive range of shooters such as the Muddy Buttcrack, Ropey Old Hooker, and enticingly-named Blood In Your Piss.Looking for something slightly more highbrow? The newly-renovated Old Vic theatre offers significant student discounts (tickets start around £6!) and a broad spectrum of productions. This means you can have a distinctly non-standard night out for the cost of a couple of drinks, and come away with an invaluable

sense of cultural smugness. Alternatively, the Watershed Media Centre is an independent cinema showing a much wider range of films than you’ll find in any of the chain cinemas. Although it can seem a bit pretentious (about half of the trailers start with “Cannes Palme d’Or nominee...”), you know if it’s in the Watershed it’s probably worth seeing.All of this is marvellous, of course, but sometimes all you want to do is go to a club and get good and sweaty. Fortunately, Bristol has one of the best club scenes in the country. For a truly great night, try Tube (Unity Street, opposite HSBC). Small but perfectly formed, with a max capacity of 150 it’s never going to have that big rave atmosphere but loads of comfortable seating and a homely ambience give it a unique charm. Definitely one of the most interesting clubbing venues in Bristol. Basement 45 on Frogmore Street is good if you’re into D’n’B, and is big enough for two rooms of sweaty fun. At the other end of the scale, Motion (Avon Street, BS2) is colossal. It’s a skatepark by day and boasts a massive main room, with a couple of smaller bars offering different tunes. It’s got the vibe of a big club like Syndicate, but much grittier and less chintzy. There are no glowing dancefloors here, just music and alcohol, and it’s all the better for it.Some of the regular nights to watch out for are Itchy Feet (Jazz/Blues/Swing), Shit The Bed (Drum & Bass), both at Lakota, Phuct (Rock/Metal, free shot with

every drink!) at Bierkellar on Fridays, and the venue-hopping Tribe Of Frog (Psytrance/Dub/Chillout).I could go on. But the point is that there are a million great nights out waiting to happen in Bristol, and they’re often easier to find than you’d think. It’s all about getting out there, trying places, meeting people and having a brilliant time doing it.


The White Lion, Clifton

The Watershed


Another issue, another BOSH Babe! This issue we’d like to introduce Georgi. After her shoot she sat down with our photographer to answer some of her questions.

Hi Georgi, how are you doing? Hey Jenna, I’m really good thanks, chuffed with my shoot!

How does it feel to be in BOSH? Well after seeing my sister as a BOSH Babe I feel really honoured that I’ve now been picked too... We’re two hot sisters!

How would you describe yourself in 3 words? In 3 words: party girl & princess.

So what are you up to at the moment? I’m just working hard at the moment, but also trying to fit in as much play time with my girlies as I can.

BOSH BABE OF THE MONTH


BOSH B

ABE #5

GEORGI

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Have you got many plans for the Christmas holidays? Well I’m working a lot over Christmas, but I’m still so excited! It’s my fav holiday; I’m looking forward to dressing up.

Have you got any suggestions for our readers this winter? Wrap up warm when going out, but always make sure you dress to impress!

Have you got any advice for students about to start looking for housing for next year? Housing’s a really tricky one; just make sure the people you live with are reliable and fun to be around. Always get a second opinion on a place from someone who knows what they’re talking about though!

So what do you get up to when you’re not studying? Outside of studying I like to relax and have fun with my mates. I’m working towards becoming a social worker though, so I’m also trying to get more involved with that.

Do you prefer gigs or clubs? I love going to clubs, but I’ve been to some really good gigs. I went to Creamfields this year and it was amazing.

And what’s your funniest memory from a night out? Probably heading out dressed as sailors for a mate’s birthday; we managed to blag free drinks, sunglasses and some other random objects!

Sounds like a pretty good night... Thanks a lot Georgi; it was great talking to you!


Pho

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[email protected]? Get in touch!


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MIDDLE-EASTERN VEGETARIAN FOOD

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FALAFEL SHAKSHUKABABA GANUSH

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We’ve teamed up with ROUGH GUIDES, a leading publisher of travel and reference information, again this month to bring you a selection of top goodies to give away! They’ve kindly donated them as prizes for solving some of our puzzles, but they won’t hang around for long...

BOSH PUZZLES

8 9 15 3 8

9 1 5 71 6 3

6 1 2 94 2 87 1 5 8

6 4 92 9 7

RATING: EASY

5 9 85 3

7 2 4 5 32 5 49 3 6 7 5

5 8 25 7 3 1 6

7 24 1 6

RATING: HARD

This issue we’ve provided two Su Dokus for you to test yourselves against! Once you’ve completed the tougher of the two, email us the numbers in the five grey squares (from top to bottom), and the first THREE correct answers we receive will once again win a selection of ROUGH GUIDES MINI CITY GUIDES!

[email protected]

?- 37squared 7/11of this

x 5/2 + 186square

root

?51 squared1/3of this

+ 41 ÷ 15 350%of this

3/7of this

9Finally, to keep your mental arithmetic ticking over, we’ve got two number trails for you!

A student asks his teacher, “How old are your three daughters?” The teacher replies, “If you multiply their ages you get 36. If you add their ages you get my house number.”“I am missing a detail,” protests the student. “Oh yes,” says the teacher, “the older one plays piano.” So how old are the 3 daughters?

BRAINTEASER


BOSH BIBLES

This month, BOSH Bibles brings you the definitive guide to moving into rented accommodation. Designed to be as useful as possible for all you freshers, all you second years out there may pick up a couple of tips as well - who knows. In association with Anthony James & Co (Antjam), one of the city’s leading student letting agencies, based on Cotham Hill and managing over 100 student properties, we bring the do’s, don’ts and everything in-between when it comes to renting houses.

Home is where the heart is… apparently! Though for many students this would leave home far, far away from Bristol. A few of you will already have started thinking about where and with who you’ll be living

next year, and all of the associated s t re s s - i n d u c i n g paperwork and social politics behind it. Fear not though, as for a second time this year, BOSH is on hand to take you through this ordeal whilst losing as little hair as possible.The first thing to bear in mind is that it’s not as big an ordeal as you think [or even that may have been made out in the opening paragraph – Ed.], the most difficult challenge you’ll

come across is deciding who you want to live with. Nevertheless, we here at BOSH have a duty to you, so we’ll point out what to you may seem painfully obvious, but still needs to be said. First of all, don’t hurry into it – you’ll hear all sorts of rumours from different people; that the best housing all goes early, that properties are released by the Uni in batches over the year, that if you don’t know what you want to do by the end of second term then you may as well give up, but the most important thing is to take your time. You’re best off not making any firm decisions until after Christmas, then you can come back to Bristol rested with a clear head and the decisions will be much easier to make. Many letting agencies don’t even offer their lets until January so moving fast could possibly mean you’d miss out on a gem. Also you will be at no disadvantage if you leave it all until the third term, although you’ll have to contend with the stress of exams at the same time which isn’t ideal!Once you’ve decided on your housing group, look at as many houses as you can – make sure you find out about typical bill costs, what the neighbours are like towards students, assess the house’s proximity to your lecture theatres (and other necessities like Sainsbury’s and Bunker!), and finally make sure you read the tenancy agreement contracts and anything else you’ll have to sign very carefully. Ensure that everyone in


West Park, Cotham


the group is happy with the decisions being made before paying or signing anything – if at all possible, you should all be present and sign and pay deposits etc at the same time to prevent any arguments. One point of contention between those moving into rented accommodation for the first time is letting agencies and their associated fees. There are a few agencies such as Antjam who will sort everything out with the landlord for you for a nominal fee, usually proportional to the cost of the rent. The opinion of those here at BOSH is that these fees are well worth the money; the agency will be very used to dealing with students and so the whole process will be as pain-free as possible. Repairs due to wear and tear on the house are very often covered by the agency – saving you the potential stress of sorting these things out directly with the landlord. Right, that’s the admin out of the way – now for a few tips on who (and who not) to live with. Halls for most of you at the moment will be the best thing ever – living around so many other people and generally having an awesome time doing it. However, for many,

come the end of the year you may well find that you find the same environment claustrophobic and that there are too many people around for your liking. Make sure that you don’t fall into the trap of trying to recreate halls next year and getting the biggest house you can find – logistics of everything from bills to “who kicked that hole in the wall?” become much more of a headache the more people in the house. In our opinion, houses of 4 to 6 are optimal for your second year – enough to give you a good buzz but still be manageable, remember the chances are you won’t be more than a 10 minute walk from anyone else’s house – so keep life simple for yourself! So that’s it from us for this Bible entry. As a quick

recap; don’t jump into anything, check and double check anything that you sign. Have a chat to your mates about what you want to do over the next few weeks, then come back in the new year refreshed and get house hunting!


Hensmans Hill, Clifton

Hampton Road, Cotham


BOSH nosh In case you hadn’t noticed by all the advertising that seems to have been shoved in front of us for at least the last 2 months, Christmas is on the way! What better to way to celebrate this than with a slap up Christmas dinner for you and your house. With a job for everyone, we’ll guide you through everything from defrosting the turkey to what to do with the leftovers, enjoy!

A n i c e e a s y one for you here. Get your potatoes, peel them, and chop into about 3 pieces. Stick them in some salted water and boil until only just solid in the middle (test with a knife). Strain them in a colander, and once the water has run off, cover liberally in salt and sunflower oil and toss until they’re all coated and the surfaces of the potatoes have fluffed up. Put them on a baking tray lined with grease proof paper, throw 3 or 4 coarsely chopped cloves of garlic over them, and bung in the oven about half an hour before the turkey is due to be finished. When you remove the turkey, toss or turn the potatoes, and replace for another half an hour until crispy.

roast potatoes

The stuffing for your turkey is nice and

straightforward and makes a good bit of meat excellent.The only cooking required is to dice the onion and soften it in a pan with a small knob of butter. Once completed, simply mix together with the sausagemeat, 100g breadcrumbs, a sprig of thyme, a pinch of ground nutmeg, couple of tablespoons of chopped parsley and the juice of half a lemon, job done!

stuffing

The trimmings; arguably the bit that makes or breaks a roast dinner. To compliment everything else, we recommend sprouts, carrots and pigs in blankets. Start with the pigs in blankets - simply cut 6 streaky rashers of bacon in half along the width, and wrap around the sausages. These can be put on the roasting tray with the potatoes for the last 10-15 minutes of their cooking time. For these last 15 minutes, boil the sprouts in salted water for a minute or two, and chop the bacon into lardons in the meantime. Remove the sprouts from the water with a slotted spoon, and put your peeled and chopped carrots in the pan and leave them to boil until soft. Add the sprouts and bacon to a frying pan with a large knob of butter and fry until the bacon is cooked - if you don’t like sprouts normally these are well worth trying!

trimmings

shopping list (for 6 people)

� 8 Large Potatoes � 2 Cauliflowers � 1 Bag of carrots � 1 Bag of sprouts � 1 Onion � 1 Lemon � 1 Apple � 1 Bulb of garlic � 12 Small Sausages � 16 Rashers of streaky bacon � 225g Sausagemeat � 1 Frozen Turkey � 2 Pints of milk � 300g Cheddar cheese � Plain flour � 100g Breadcrumbs � Sunflower oil � Thyme � Ground Nutmeg � Parsley � Salt � Pepper � English Mustard

If any of you made the macaroni and cheese from the last issue, then this will be a doddle - it’s identical except you swap macaroni for cauliflower!

For anyone that didn’t it’s a nice straightforward dish that is best made after the turkey comes out of the oven. Start by breaking the florets off the cauliflowers, and putting them in salted water to boil for 5 minutes. Now crack out a saucepan, and melt 50g of butter in it. Add flour until the mixture resembles breadcrumbs, then gradually add your 2 pints of milk, whisking regularly to prevent it from going lumpy. Once you have reached a good consistency, grate in 3/4 of your 300g of cheese, season with salt and pepper and stick a dollop of mustard in and stir. That’s the cheese sauce done.Drain the cauliflower and put it in an oven dish, pour your cheese sauce over it and grate the remainder of the cheese over it. If you’ve timed it right, you should have 5 minutes before the potatoes are done to whack it under the grill and get some colour on the top!

cauliflower cheese

Preparation for the turkey begins the day before (or at least very early the same morning), so to all of you that have picked this up wanting to cook for tonight, think again! (Or buy a fresh turkey if you’re feeling flush!). Scrub out your sink and fill it with cold water (yup, it’ll defrost faster in cold water). Stick the turkey in it, and leave it in there for an hour for every kilogram that the bird weighs, changing the water every half an hour or so. When it comes to cooking the turkey, the first thing you’ll need to do is prepare your stuffing, so do that then check back here!Right, now that your stuffing is ready and the turkey is defrosted, you need to prepare the turkey. Spread its legs to reveal the cavity inside (ooh-err missus), reach inside and remove the giblets, which should have conveniently been provided in a plastic bag. Leave these to one side for the moment, and then stuff the turkey with your home made

stuffing. Rub a reasonable amount of salt on the skin to help it crisp up, replace the legs to seal the stuffing inside, and place in an oven on a roasting tray, pre-heated to 1900C, for 3 hours plus half an hour for every 2 kg over 4kg, basting every 30 minutes. Now get on with everything else!Once removed from the oven, drain the juices into a jug, cover the turkey in foil, and leave to rest for 30 minutes.

the turkey

The gravy should also be done once the turkey is out and resting, though the stock for it can be prepared beforehand. Take the giblets removed from the turkey, and add to about a pint and a half of water in a saucepan with a couple of cloves of garlic, and some seasoning. Leave that covered and simmering for about half an hour. Once the turkey is out, mix the juices with flour in the same way as with the cheese sauce. Strain the stock that you made, then add that to the juices & flour gradually until you reach your preferred consistency!

gravy


BOSH LISTS1. Fuck (2005) (The Documentary) 824

2. Nil by Mouth (1997) 428

3. Casino (1995) 398

4. Alpha Dog (2007) 367

5. Twin Town (1997) 318

6. Summer of Sam (1999) 315

7. Running Scared (2006) 315

8. Runteldat (2002) 311

9. Menace II Society (1993) 300

10. Goodfellas (1990) 300

Any Smoothie Any Time2 for 1

39 COTHAM HILL 0117 973 4800

With this voucherValid until 30/11/2009

A new feature this issue is Lists, where we’ll bring you, well, lists! Some will be factual, some will be rather more objective, but hopefully overall you’ll find them useful, eye-opening, or even just mildly amusing.

‘Fuck’ is a very naughty word. It’s one of the worst out there, in fact. And yet you still seem hear it repeatedly used in any film with more than a 12A rating! It gets used as a noun, a verb, an adjective and even as an adverb, what sort of lazy screen writing is that? Here, we bring you the ten biggest offenders, in our list of films that most frequently use the ‘F word’

Secondly, we’ve noticed a trend in adverts over the last few months. That trend is that they’re murder-inducingly irritating. So we thought we’d name and shame some of the prime suspects. (Yes, this is reinforcing that they obviously work, and yes, this is more free a d v e r t i s i n g for them, but frankly we don’t care!)

Go Compare That frizzy haired bloke needs a good slap

We Buy Any Car (.com) Get out of my head!

Up Your Viva! We’ll do nothing of the sort thanks gummy...

“I want to do a poo at Paul’s house!” No idea what’s being advertised but it makes us want to kick the screen in.

118 24-sevennnnnnnnn Again, annoyingly addictive...

I’m a PC No, you’re quite clearly not are you?


BOSH FILM REVIEWS

Now we here at BOSH Towers are big fans of Ricky Gervais. His stand-up routines are hilarious and The Office was pretty ground-breaking. However, since then his work’s been on a bit of a slippery slope, despite him now living it large in Hollywood!The Invention of Lying shows more than any other film that a clever idea by no means guarantees a good quality big-screen comedy. Ricky plays Mark Bellison, who frankly is a bit of a tubby loser. He lives in a world identical to our own, but with the simple difference that nobody has thought up the concept of telling a lie. For the first half hour or so this inventive idea works quite well, as we witness Mark’s sad life a struggling nobody, and laugh (sparingly) at him being insulted by his brutally honest co-workers, Mum, and date Anna (Jennifer Garner).It’s briefly enjoyable watching them poke fun at society on subjects such as religion and conformity, but again, this alone isn’t enough substance for a full feature. When Mark’s Mum falls ill the film suddenly takes a spectacular turn for the worse, as Mark, with his new discovery ‘the lie’, makes up a story about the afterlife to help comfort her on her deathbed. Before long the film moves from comedy into the realms of religion and quickly starts to lose all credibility; Mark standing on his lawn reading to his followers about the “Man in the Sky” from pizza boxes being a personal low point... Considering all of this is intertwined with a love story of sorts, as he peruses his original date Anna, the film becomes very confused indeed.‘Acting’ is defined as the art of performing a part or role in a drama. By this definition Ricky Gervais, as ever, isn’t acting, but simply playing himself, almost identically to the way he did in both The Office and Extras. The difference is that in those it worked perfectly; The Office in particular is one of the finest comedies of our generation. However, in this effort, it simply doesn’t work on the big screen. His one attempt at genuine ‘acting’ during the film, in the scene where his mother dies, turns out to be one of the funniest as the audience squirm with embarrassment at his atrocious attempt to portray sadness. It becomes clear why he’s only normally comfortable playing himself, as his acting is more wooden than an oak furniture set.Although a total flop, everybody has to start somewhere! This was Ricky’s first real dabble with the big boys, and hopefully his next effort will be a vast improvement. Some believe it is the work of Steve Merchant behind the scenes that is actually responsible for the comedy genius we saw in The Office, so let’s hope that his involvement in their next project, Cemetery Junction (expected 2010), bodes well! For now though, avoid this like Swine Flu. BOSHRATING:



Demons, haunted houses, and things that go bang in the night... A fairly standard formula for a scary film I’m sure you’ll all agree. Premiering at the Screamfest Film Festival in 2007, but only recently out on general cinema release, Oren Peli’s Paranormal Activity has taken a sidestep in an attempt to scare you senseless yet again. In much the same way that The Blair Witch Project did in 1999, Paranormal Activity attempts to draw the viewer into the film more personally and with more realism by doing away with expensive cameras and lighting, and instead takes the point of view to one man, Micah, and his hand held camera. You experience the events of 3 weeks spent in his house, along with his girlfriend Katie, who has had unexplained disturbances following her since she was a small girl. The film starts rather slowly, 10 to 15 minutes of scene setting through amateur camera work leaves you wondering if there really is any substance to the film. The real tension arises from the night-time camera shots, as the personal video camera is placed overseeing the couple

as they sleep. The “paranormal activity” experienced during these nights builds throughout the course of the film, and for even those least prone to having films scare them, it’ll have you in goosebumps! Those of you that still check under your bed before you go to sleep, watching this with someone else is highly recommended.The formula used by Peli in this film has great potential, as was shown by The Blair Witch Project, though despite 2 or 3 promising moments, Paranormal Activity fails to capitalise on what could have been a really very scary film. Without spoiling it, the ending is quite abrupt and out of touch with the length of time spent building the tension throughout the rest of the film. Nevertheless, it’s

definitely worth a watch, even if it’s just for a bit of a thrill during the night-time scenes.BOSHRATING:


Need to get something off your chest? Got issues? A problem that won’t go away? No one to turn to? A problem shared is a problem halved, so sharing it with the rest of Bristol students will make it 1/(2^15,000) of a problem. That’s a small problem. I am here to help you with all your worries, big or small, with impartial, honest advice. As one of my friends put it, “You don’t bullsh*t Fruits.” I can certify I watch a weekly average of seven hours of Jeremy Kyle; I have learnt from the master. I look forward to reading your problems, no matter what they may, be and giving truthful guidance.

Yours, Alex “La Fruit” Henry – Agony Aunt

BOSH AGONY AUNT

Dear Alex,I have just moved into

halls and found the horror stories to be true, the boy below me plays drum and bass at ungodly hours, the guy above me has sex with his missus every single night, and the girls on my corridor hog the showers every morning. It’s driving me mad! Sarah

Don’t panic Emma! It’s all part of the student experience. There’s no real solution, just coping mechanisms. An obvious solution here is to wear ear plugs at night; but why not try making friends with DnB man or counting sheep to the rhythmical rocking sounds from above? As for women in the shower, try and find out what time their alarm is set for and get up 5 minutes early to snaffle it before them. If all else fails, bitch about it with fellow freshers, everyone’s going through it. Good luck!

Thanks for all your e-mails this month guys, as ever I don’t have space to put them all on the one page, but keep sending them!

Congratulations also to Sarah who wins a signed copy of Jeremy Kyle’s new book! Don’t despair though if you were after one as well,

I’ve dug another signed copy up for one more lucky reader.

Send your winning letters, stories and confessions to:

[email protected]

LETTER OF THE MONTH

My boyfriend and I had been together for a year, but now we’ve moved to separate universities he says he wants a break. He promised me before we left he would stay with me, but after his fresher week he changed his mind and now says he is missing out on a proper student life. I feel so awful, he’s given me until Christmas before he makes up his mind but I’m not sure I can wait that long, he won’t even allow me to phone him. I am so depressed about everything; I just keep picturing him with other women. It’s made easier by photos of him snogging on facebook. I don’t know what to do.Sophie

I feel so sorry for you, I know you like this guy but from my perspective he isn’t treating you right. You need to think about it, could you continue a relationship knowing he’d been with other women and not keep bringing it up? I know it’s easier said than done when you have feelings for someone, but would it not be easier to make a clean break and

get on

with your life rather than waiting around for someone not waiting on you? I think you have to accept he’s not ready for a long distance relationship yet, he’s avoiding your calls, is that really what you want in a man? My advice is talk to him somehow, break it off and get all your girlies round for support and a night on the sofa with face masks OR have a massive night out! Just be strong. Cliché but there are plenty of hunky gentleman fish in the Bristol Sea.

I have just moved into a house with 4 other blokes, like any other student house we make a bit of noise but it’s nothing excessive. My problem is our neighbours, they are a family and the mother just keeps banging on the wall for us to keep the noise down. I would understand if we were being unreasonable, but the other night she banged on the wall when I was watching TV,

my flatmates have experienced similar knockings for talking together

or playing the Xbox. She has come round saying she will inform our landlords and council about the noise level, but we’re just living normally. What can I do?Jack

Well Jack, my first piece of advice is to make sure you keep it down after 11 at night; legally that’s when people can complain about noise pollution. Make sure to inform your neighbours first if you are going to have people round or a loud party, being courteous to neighbours never hurts. Maybe try inviting them round for a cup of tea and a chit chat about what their main problems are and see if you can change things. Remember to be polite! Most problems can be solved over a good cup of tea, I’m sure this is no exception. If all else fails and she keeps knocking, why not try a mass house knocking back to the tune of “We Will Rock You”, she might give up after a while.



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November 2009

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